The ups and downs of dating…

As ironic as this next statement will be for a blog about my “dating life” it’s true. I hate dating. I love meeting new people and getting to know them but when it comes to dating, I’m a mess. First, do you realize just how many “dates” I’ve been on and never even knew they were dates? Too many to count. Unless the guy is very specific and says, “Hey we’re going to go out on a date”. I just always assume it’s just dinner or drinks with a friend. At then end of the evening when the waiter asks if it’s on the same check I always say, “Uh, no mine is seperate.”

Most of this has to do with the fact that I hate innuendo. I need someone to be straight up and honest and say what he feels. I can read others when it has to do with others but the moment it has to do with me or my dating life I become completely stupid. I can’t really fault others for this because times have changed and people have changed and because I’m oblivious to things like feelings and emotions that someone else has for me, completely and totally oblivious. It’s a fault of mine I guess.

I remember one of the first real “dates” that I went on. I was 16 and he was a friend of my brothers and in college. I was in between high school boys so I thought I was the coolest. He had this night planned after he was going to pick me up at school. I was so nervous. I mean, I’d been with guys before but this was one of the first real actual dates with an older guy. This is also before I realized that having expectations was a dumb idea.

I’d gotten dressed up that morning in a great outfit. My makeup and hair were perfect (I thought) and I hadn’t eaten all day because I was so nervous. Then, after school I went to the front the wait for him and saw him driving up the wrong way in the pick up line and his car was smoking, like on fire. After he’d gotten the “fire” under control he took me to a very fancy restaurant where we had a decent conversation, where he kept ordering all this weird food and making me try a bite of everything.

After dinner he asked if we could go to one of his favorite spots. I said sure, I never had a curfew. At this point we just start driving… and driving… and driving. After what felt like forever we ended up at this tiny little house which sold antiques. It was weird but ok. We walked around this little store for a while then got back in the car and drove again forever. Then we end up at this overgrown field. He came to my side of the car, opened the door and took my hand. We started walking into this field and after walking about 10 minutes I looked at him and said, “Dude this is weird. If you’re going to kill me just get it over with.” He laughed except I’m not sure I was kidding.

When we were finally done walking we were at an abandoned airplane hangar. I was in very high heeled boots, a short suede skirt and a silk blouse and we were in an abandoned airplane hangar. WTF! Basically he’d taken me there to have wine in the middle of it and he told me the story as to why it meant so much to him and it was a sweet thought that he wanted me to go there with him. It was just a weird date to be one of my first.

After that there was a lot of older men that tried their hardest to do the normal dinner and a movie dates which I actually don’t like going to the movies. Then as I got older it was a lot of expensive restaurants, work dinners or charity galas. I’ve had some pretty amazing dates. But some of the most special ones are the outside of the box dates. I don’t like dinner and movie, I don’t even really like dinner that much. Going to a bar or a concert isn’t a great date, it’s a great hang but never a great date. It’s cheesy and shows no imagination.

I’m not even sure if I can remember the last actual date I’ve been on. I’m sure if I search this blog enough I’ll find it but I don’t like dating. I just want to find another human and be like, “Hey I can tolerate you for an extended period of time. Lets cohabitate a couple nights a week or every two weeks. Maybe every couple months take a weekend trip somewhere. Lets have fun and enjoy each other outside of this fucked up world we live in and not stress each other out. Lets have nights where we don’t even talk, but we listen to music or watch a movie at home with the lights out and just cuddle for a while. Let’s be each others escape for just a few hours a week.

We don’t have to announce it to anyone on face-snap-twit-gram so there’s no one to ruin our fun. Let’s just “be” with each other and embrace the time we spend together then go back to our own lives and if, after a couple years, we continue to not annoy each other maybe we can take it further. That’s what I want. I want easy, safe, fun, comfortable, blissful, no expectations, sexy, peaceful and enjoyable. It’s been so long since I’ve had that. I miss that. I do NOT look forward to being in the dating world at all. I’m not looking for someone to complete me but to compliment me. Is that so hard?

With all that being said and the fact that I’m feeling so stagnant in my world lately I’ve been looking for a new place to live. I still want to stay around Houston, I think but I went so far as to look for a small house on or close to the beach or a little closer to the city. I’m looking to be close enough to my clients to drive to them if needed but not close enough to get a text from my boss that says, “Put pants on, be there in five minutes”.

I looked into a small 2 or 3 bedroom house, townhome and condos. Haven’t really found anything I like yet but am actively looking or looking for something different anyway. I’m antsy. It might be the full moon or the retrograding planets or just the fact that I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I wonder if this feeling with ever go away?! I thought that writing again would help but it’s not, not really. I mean it’s making me remember things that I’d forgotten but sometimes it makes me lonely. It also could be that I just need sex. It’s times like this I wish that I was someone that could just jump into bed with anyone but that’s not me.

So now I’m officially just rambling. Hopefully I’ll be off to bed soon. Tomorrow is a day that I’ll be manifesting and setting my intentions for the full moon. Lets see if I can conjure up the man of my dreams. Hope you all had a great weekend. xXX

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My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

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Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

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A Late Happy New Year and …

The first thing is, Happy New Year to all of you. My year ended on a strange note and actually boring. For the first time in years I stayed home and brought in the New Year solo. My friend and I that I usually spend it with doing our “traditions” did it about a week late but for all intents and purposes it worked out for the both of us.

So, if you’ve been here for a while you know that my 2018 was all about, well, married men and the affairs that they have and some woman. I can safely say that I did NOT compromise my position on sleeping with a married man at all. Even though I was not sure I’d be able to hold out but I did.

My friend, the wife of my ex, and I did not finish out the year speaking. In fact, our last outing was way too dramatic and I actually thoughts that because of her antics I’d lost even more friends but that ended up not being the case. Well, actually the one “friend” that I did end up losing because of her was her mister who ended up being a piece of shit anyway.

That was another problem that I had last year. I chose to see the good in everyone, even long after they’d shown me who they actually are. I kept saying, “They just need a good friend” and then I tried to be one. You might think that’s actually a good trait of mine except it almost put a new added segment to my own #metoo movement. There is a difference between seeing the good in someone and just plain ignoring the bad, or even hurtful things about someone. Not sure I’ll delve into that story or not but in the end she (my friend) and I only just started talking again. I don’t like what she did to her husband, my friend, my ex but I understand why she did it. There’s a bit of reason behind her insanity. I am trying to be the friend that she needs in order to get help this year. We shall see. She is a fun person to be around but in small doses. I realized very quickly that in order for her and I to spend any time together out in the real world, or even just being silly girls inside my apartment I’d have to learn to shrink in size because she’s overwhelming. We’ll see where that ends up.

This year started with an immense need to help others. I started to realize that maybe I really don’t get to have that happy ending that all girls secretly want. Maybe I don’t get to have that fairytale romance or that earth shattering whatever. I’d decided that if none of those things are destined to be in my life then I would just enjoy a life helping others. So one of those “help others” actually started toward the end of last year and is continuing now.

My boss and his girlfriend had a violent, dramatic end to their relationship which I found myself being thrown into by both of them. It started with a frantic phone call early November at 3 am by my boss’s girlfriend basically saying that she was fearing for her life. By the time I’d heard from my boss the very next, early, morning I was screaming at him. I screamed at him that I hated him for what he’d done and that I would have called the police and blah blah blah… It’s now been just over 2 months and I’ve found myself as a confidant for him and a conduit to her. I have talked him off the ledge at 2 in the morning some nights and I have consoled her till she was so emotionally exhausted that she’s passed out from pure emotions.

People always ask me why I still work for this guy. Well, first, it’s been over 20 years of a relationship. There’s loyalty and love there. But I think some of the other reasons is because of his friends that become mine, his kids which I’ve watched grow since they were born and because we are, in the end, like family. There was one point, the day after the fight, that I’m calling his own brother and crying that he needed to get off his ass and just go sit with his brother (my boss) because I thought he was going to hurt himself. In 20 years I’ve never felt the need to get his brother involved but there I was basically ordering him to go see him. This has been a surreal experience and to be honest with you, I’ve watched myself grow through all of this and I think that whatever happens with them I will always cherish this time that I’ve been spending helping both of them.

Next, as I stated above, one of the reasons why I’m so loyal to my boss is because some of his friends become mine and I cherish them. They all have their quirks but the relationship that I have with each of them is so different. A couple weeks ago one of this friends, that he’s know since he was a tiny child, called the office. He was looking for my boss, saying that he needed a ride somewhere. I knew my boss would be out doing stuff and I knew that this guy was going through his own shit-storm of things. I offered my assistance in case my boss couldn’t. After a few minutes I got a call back from this guy who asked if I could pick him up. My idea was to pick him up and drop him off. Sound simple enough right? Think again.

My first clue should have been where I was picking him up from. The hospital. I pull up to the front and there is this seemingly attractive older man essentially covered in blood with a nap sack. My first words, “Should I be concerned that you’re covered in blood?” then started the weird, almost 2 hour, car ride. He didn’t have anywhere to go, he looked and felt like shit. Here was a guy, not just hitting rock bottom but slamming into the deepest, blacked bottom of the bottom all while landing on shards of glass. No wonder he called me his angel. He kept asking, “Why are you helping me? I’m a fucking mess.” The only thing I could reply with was, “Because one, you’re (my boss’s) friend and you need help. It’s ok to ask for it.” But kindness to this guy meant that he had full open season to continually tell me how beautiful I was and kept saying that “If I wasn’t a mess right now I’d be making a move”.

In a matter of a year this guys marriage had ended, his business went into financial ruins and he hadn’t seen his 2 year old son in a long time. I submitted some of my advice, assured him that he was loved and cared about by his friends and family and that he needed to get help because he was choosing to handle his black hole of emptiness with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. He is now, thankfully, in a 30 day rehab facility.

So these are just a few of the things that have gone on over the course of a few months and I realized something. First, people are so use to humans treating other humans like shit that the moment that someone does something out of pure kindness it’s, all of a sudden, weird or they have an agenda. Do you know how many times over the last few months that I’ve heard, “Why are you being so nice to me?” and whatever reason I have isn’t good enough. It’s never about money or favors or sex but only about the basis of every single religion which is kindness. Treat others how YOU yourself would like to be treated and because I don’t feel like I’m getting a fair shake at being treated with kindness I’m probably overcompensating. But is that a bad thing to be too kind? This brings me to my next thing…

So last year there was never a shortage of men that I could have had but I only wanted one. It became more of a conquest thing than anything but I couldn’t even entertain the idea of sleeping with anyone else because he was on my mind, not all the time but more than I’d care to admit. I’d seen this weird side of him though and one that he probably didn’t mean for me to see. I saw someone who was unhappy and not confident at all. I saw a man that had been beaten down by a woman so badly that it seemed like, in his mind, there was nothing that he could do right. I saw defenses come out and for some reason people were telling me all his secrets. No matter what these secrets were I still wanted to help this man that I started seeing as a hurt boy. There it is folks, my need to “fix” something that I didn’t break.

We’d messed around a few times but there was something about his soul that was attractive, maybe it is my need to “fix” things but I switched our relationship to a business one and not a “mess around with each other” one because, at the time, he was married. He told me a couple weeks ago that he’s getting divorced but I didn’t feel any different. We’ve never fully moved into the “friendship” that I want. Truth here is that I think this guy is insanely talented but he’s forgotten what it’s like to be appreciated. So, I started there. I appreciated him. Then I realized that after I’d heard all his secrets that he might not have a 100% loyal friend, so I tried to become that 100% loyal friend. None of this seems to be working out the way I think that I wanted it to but the weird part is that I don’t even know what I want, not from him anyway.

He is probably a story for another night but at least I’ve gotten these parts out of my head and on paper. I refuse to let this guy become another “THE Friend”. The one thing that there isn’t here is love. There’s respect and something else but not love. I couldn’t even tell you if that’s what I want. I have spent months and months trying to fix other peoples lives that I’ve forgotten and become unclear what I want out of my own life. That’s the real tragedy right now. I have no idea what I want. Except, right now, to sleep.

On that note, I’ll write again but for tonight that’s all and again, Happy New Year!

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Music and what it means to me…

You all know that I am in love with music. In fact, Music is the first love of my life and no man will ever replace that. There’s a comfort in knowing that, no matter how you feel, there’s a piece of music out there to fit your needs. It’ll never leave you, hurt you or not understand you. Music will explain and describe how you feel when you don’t even have the words. It’s like having a best friend whenever, wherever you need one.

Music is peace, love, light, joy, understanding and it’s my everything.

With all that said, it’s only fair that one of my favorite movies is Almost famous. If you’ve never seen it, or even heard of it you must go right now and watch it, especially if you love music. It explains so much. Also, if you are in love with music as much as I am then you’ll get so many references that are hidden to the average person. Almost each and every single line, action or shot in the movie can be traced back to history in music.

And yes, at times, I have felt like Penny Lane. It goes way beyond the fact that I have been told that I looked like Kate Hudson. I have showed many a girl the lives of “musicians” and explained to them that, “Just because they show interest doesn’t mean that it’s real”. There’s a high that musicians get when they have “fans” and by flirting it’s their version of marketing and networking. It’s a job. That’s not to say that they won’t like you in some way, shape or form but it takes me to a great line in the movie, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, if ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends”. Perfect line!

I have met and meet musicians all the time and most are married. I think I’ve always had this dream to be with a musician in a relationship because I don’t want a full time man, sometimes. I’m ok with the idea of them going out and being with their “fans” and allowing them their freedom when it comes to a relationship. I already have dating ADD anyway so this would be perfect. I don’t want to be the “mistress” but I would be ok with being the wife or girlfriend and letting them do their thing as long as they came home to me. Is that weird?

Part of that is because I’ve just never felt like “wife” material but mostly it’s because I understand the lifestyle. Don’t strangle a man with the rope but give him some slack and it tends to be a happy relationship which is apparently what is lacking in all the marriages that I am around lately. If way “A” doesn’t work, what’s wrong with trying way “B”. Nothing has to be set in stone. There are no “rules”. Make them up as you go. Just my thoughts for the day on that subject.

Next fantastic line that stands out, “So Russell… What do you love about music” “To begin with, everything”. That’s probably the most true and relatable line in the movie. That’s the truth. There’s nothing NOT to love about music. Even if you don’t like the song in it’s entirety you can still appreciate the talent that it takes to build the song. I tried to explain this the other day after my friend was saying how terrible this one song was. I said, “Take it apart. Listen to the guitar. Do you hear the talent that it takes to sound like that? Now take the bass. Do you hear how perfect that bass line is? Now, take the drums. Can you hear how precise and dominant they and how they carry the song? Lastly, even though you don’t like the singers range do you understand how hard that is to pull off? Do you understand that takes practice? See, so even if you don’t like the song you can still enjoy the structure and the talent and the expertise that it takes to put it all together.”

I guess that’s where I love the movie so much. It explains why I am NOT a groupie or a fan. I love the idea of being called a “Band Aid” and here’s why, “We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids”. I’ve been with my share of musicians in many forms but it’s never about that. How can you not be around those feelings when the music is playing and not have some sort of connection to the people playing it. The emotions spill out. They spill out onto the people who are being catalysts for the songs. It’s an inevitable outcome.

“They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” I have felt this. Just the other day I had to explain this. There’s a band that I go see a lot and I’ve become friends with the musicians that play in the band. The lead-singer was going through my videos and photos and she asked, “Why do you keep recording the same stuff. I don’t even like us that much”. I explained that it wasn’t just about the songs but that I loved music so much and it will allow me to remember the song, the moment and the night if I can relate it to a recording. So what if it’s the same piece of music that I’ve recorded fifteen times.”

That was this past Friday, on the full moon, which made me do things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I have NO regrets. Regrets are for the weak and I believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a weekend of music, the beach and of setting intentions and relaxation. I haven’t had my home to myself in over a week but the moment that it is mine again I will take my pants off and watch Almost Famous again and again. Because that’s what I do. Now, I’m going to go back to my “Full Moon setting intensions” post and see where things went wrong, if they even did. Again, everything happens for a reason.

Music is my religion, my spirit and my faith. Music is my lover and my friend and my family. Music is my everything.

What’s your favorite movie about music? It’s always possible that I’ve no seen it.

I am grateful for music, the beach and for having sexual chemistry that would blow your mind, with someone. 🙂

Contradictory Life…

My life is a contradiction of itself. I can’t even explain it but I know that when I write about the good things, they stop happening. Today has been a rough day for several reasons. Mostly, they’re all contradictory.

I’m laughing and sad.

I’m leather and lace.

I’m velvet and blades.

I’m baby’s breath and bondage.

I’m a virgin and a whore.

I’m a rocker and classic.

I’m a blonde and a brunette.

I’m an honest liar.

I’m a tarnished shine.

I’m a dull star.

I’m a lonely socialite.

I’m a lazy overachiever.

I’m a mystery. I’m a desire. I’m exactly what I wanted that I knew I’d never be.

And none of it is good enough.

Yes, today I want to run away all over again.

For some reason this song is my only saving grace tonight. Please listen to it in case it’s yours.

leatherandlace

Helping others follow their dreams…

The other night, out with my ex, he’d confided in me that he was feeling both stagnant and lost. This is a feeling I know all too well, lately. He wasn’t sure what to do. I’d thrown out some suggestions but none of them stuck and they were interrupted by a story he wanted to tell me. During the story it hit me… This guy needed to write a book.

He’s had a very strange life. It’s a life that most people would not have faced and that’s not even up to the part that he almost died in a horrific motorcycle accident. Aside from that he’s got stories of peyote laced days in the desert, outrageous road trip stories and one of his worst which was walking in at four and a half to find his Father dead. He’s lived the life of Kurt Vonnegut meets Earnest Hemingway meets Timothy Leary. It’s the perfect idea for a book… His life.

So after a lot of hesitation and a long night of drinking I’d made him promise that he would write a first chapter before the new year. I told him that if he did then I would shop it to a book publisher that I know. After many nervous texts the next day he reluctantly decided to start. I think once he had pen to paper it just started to flow. He’d texted me later in the day to announce that the first page, possibly the introduction was done and all he had to do was transfer to type.

After lots and lots of me sending the most “I know this will be amazing” supportive texts he sent one final text to tell me that he’d emailed it to me. At that point, on that late Sunday night I was tired, sad and just wanted to sleep. I’d told him that I was so excited to read but it wouldn’t happen till the morning. That was just in case what I read was not something that I had the energy to be fake supportive about.

Finally, I lay down in my bed in my quiet home and with the only light being the iridescence of my phone I pulled up my email. I started to read and knew that I’d made the right decision in pushing him into this. In only a few words I was hooked and wanted more. I couldn’t wait to just keep reading and I found myself smiling and laughing at his words.

As I stated the other night, I would travel the ends of the world to help a friend find and conquer his dreams and my ex is included in that. I saw something in him that he couldn’t see himself and I wont’ let him quit this. My blessing is that he confided in me and I, in repayment, realized he could use my help. That feels like a great day.

I don’t spend much time with people that don’t have some sort of special power to make me want to elevate them to reach their dreams. I’ve certainly never invested my time in anyone that I thought wasn’t worth it. Some need a push, some need a pull and others just need the support of someone standing next to them as they try to do it all by themselves. Those are the things in life that I don’t and won’t regret.

Maybe that should be m calling. I’ll be a life coach and request 1% of their annual salaries once they get to where they want to be. Who am I kidding… I need a life coach and quite possibly a new country to live in by the time this night is over. I can at least give it up for the Political Erection of 2016. It has, at the very least, been entertaining but now we’ll have to live with the decision. I’m also happy that the damn political meme’s will stop being sent on an hourly schedule from friends to my phone.

I was going to do an entire political post a few weeks ago but just realized that I didn’t have the strength. I had the words but none the intention of actually posting it. We’re all sick of the fighting. I think I’ll allow myself one night to get shitfaced because of the outcome and then I’m done worrying about it for a while. I mean, I have four years to worry about it don’t I?

At least I can go to bed tonight knowing that I will help one friend get out of their stuck, lost life. I’m aware of what else would help as well but that I can not do. I can’t even decide to actually date the new guy let alone let an old ex into my life the way he wants to be let in.

One thing at a time. There’s already one ending to something and that’s about all I can handle right now.

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