A Late Happy New Year and …

The first thing is, Happy New Year to all of you. My year ended on a strange note and actually boring. For the first time in years I stayed home and brought in the New Year solo. My friend and I that I usually spend it with doing our “traditions” did it about a week late but for all intents and purposes it worked out for the both of us.

So, if you’ve been here for a while you know that my 2018 was all about, well, married men and the affairs that they have and some woman. I can safely say that I did NOT compromise my position on sleeping with a married man at all. Even though I was not sure I’d be able to hold out but I did.

My friend, the wife of my ex, and I did not finish out the year speaking. In fact, our last outing was way too dramatic and I actually thoughts that because of her antics I’d lost even more friends but that ended up not being the case. Well, actually the one “friend” that I did end up losing because of her was her mister who ended up being a piece of shit anyway.

That was another problem that I had last year. I chose to see the good in everyone, even long after they’d shown me who they actually are. I kept saying, “They just need a good friend” and then I tried to be one. You might think that’s actually a good trait of mine except it almost put a new added segment to my own #metoo movement. There is a difference between seeing the good in someone and just plain ignoring the bad, or even hurtful things about someone. Not sure I’ll delve into that story or not but in the end she (my friend) and I only just started talking again. I don’t like what she did to her husband, my friend, my ex but I understand why she did it. There’s a bit of reason behind her insanity. I am trying to be the friend that she needs in order to get help this year. We shall see. She is a fun person to be around but in small doses. I realized very quickly that in order for her and I to spend any time together out in the real world, or even just being silly girls inside my apartment I’d have to learn to shrink in size because she’s overwhelming. We’ll see where that ends up.

This year started with an immense need to help others. I started to realize that maybe I really don’t get to have that happy ending that all girls secretly want. Maybe I don’t get to have that fairytale romance or that earth shattering whatever. I’d decided that if none of those things are destined to be in my life then I would just enjoy a life helping others. So one of those “help others” actually started toward the end of last year and is continuing now.

My boss and his girlfriend had a violent, dramatic end to their relationship which I found myself being thrown into by both of them. It started with a frantic phone call early November at 3 am by my boss’s girlfriend basically saying that she was fearing for her life. By the time I’d heard from my boss the very next, early, morning I was screaming at him. I screamed at him that I hated him for what he’d done and that I would have called the police and blah blah blah… It’s now been just over 2 months and I’ve found myself as a confidant for him and a conduit to her. I have talked him off the ledge at 2 in the morning some nights and I have consoled her till she was so emotionally exhausted that she’s passed out from pure emotions.

People always ask me why I still work for this guy. Well, first, it’s been over 20 years of a relationship. There’s loyalty and love there. But I think some of the other reasons is because of his friends that become mine, his kids which I’ve watched grow since they were born and because we are, in the end, like family. There was one point, the day after the fight, that I’m calling his own brother and crying that he needed to get off his ass and just go sit with his brother (my boss) because I thought he was going to hurt himself. In 20 years I’ve never felt the need to get his brother involved but there I was basically ordering him to go see him. This has been a surreal experience and to be honest with you, I’ve watched myself grow through all of this and I think that whatever happens with them I will always cherish this time that I’ve been spending helping both of them.

Next, as I stated above, one of the reasons why I’m so loyal to my boss is because some of his friends become mine and I cherish them. They all have their quirks but the relationship that I have with each of them is so different. A couple weeks ago one of this friends, that he’s know since he was a tiny child, called the office. He was looking for my boss, saying that he needed a ride somewhere. I knew my boss would be out doing stuff and I knew that this guy was going through his own shit-storm of things. I offered my assistance in case my boss couldn’t. After a few minutes I got a call back from this guy who asked if I could pick him up. My idea was to pick him up and drop him off. Sound simple enough right? Think again.

My first clue should have been where I was picking him up from. The hospital. I pull up to the front and there is this seemingly attractive older man essentially covered in blood with a nap sack. My first words, “Should I be concerned that you’re covered in blood?” then started the weird, almost 2 hour, car ride. He didn’t have anywhere to go, he looked and felt like shit. Here was a guy, not just hitting rock bottom but slamming into the deepest, blacked bottom of the bottom all while landing on shards of glass. No wonder he called me his angel. He kept asking, “Why are you helping me? I’m a fucking mess.” The only thing I could reply with was, “Because one, you’re (my boss’s) friend and you need help. It’s ok to ask for it.” But kindness to this guy meant that he had full open season to continually tell me how beautiful I was and kept saying that “If I wasn’t a mess right now I’d be making a move”.

In a matter of a year this guys marriage had ended, his business went into financial ruins and he hadn’t seen his 2 year old son in a long time. I submitted some of my advice, assured him that he was loved and cared about by his friends and family and that he needed to get help because he was choosing to handle his black hole of emptiness with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. He is now, thankfully, in a 30 day rehab facility.

So these are just a few of the things that have gone on over the course of a few months and I realized something. First, people are so use to humans treating other humans like shit that the moment that someone does something out of pure kindness it’s, all of a sudden, weird or they have an agenda. Do you know how many times over the last few months that I’ve heard, “Why are you being so nice to me?” and whatever reason I have isn’t good enough. It’s never about money or favors or sex but only about the basis of every single religion which is kindness. Treat others how YOU yourself would like to be treated and because I don’t feel like I’m getting a fair shake at being treated with kindness I’m probably overcompensating. But is that a bad thing to be too kind? This brings me to my next thing…

So last year there was never a shortage of men that I could have had but I only wanted one. It became more of a conquest thing than anything but I couldn’t even entertain the idea of sleeping with anyone else because he was on my mind, not all the time but more than I’d care to admit. I’d seen this weird side of him though and one that he probably didn’t mean for me to see. I saw someone who was unhappy and not confident at all. I saw a man that had been beaten down by a woman so badly that it seemed like, in his mind, there was nothing that he could do right. I saw defenses come out and for some reason people were telling me all his secrets. No matter what these secrets were I still wanted to help this man that I started seeing as a hurt boy. There it is folks, my need to “fix” something that I didn’t break.

We’d messed around a few times but there was something about his soul that was attractive, maybe it is my need to “fix” things but I switched our relationship to a business one and not a “mess around with each other” one because, at the time, he was married. He told me a couple weeks ago that he’s getting divorced but I didn’t feel any different. We’ve never fully moved into the “friendship” that I want. Truth here is that I think this guy is insanely talented but he’s forgotten what it’s like to be appreciated. So, I started there. I appreciated him. Then I realized that after I’d heard all his secrets that he might not have a 100% loyal friend, so I tried to become that 100% loyal friend. None of this seems to be working out the way I think that I wanted it to but the weird part is that I don’t even know what I want, not from him anyway.

He is probably a story for another night but at least I’ve gotten these parts out of my head and on paper. I refuse to let this guy become another “THE Friend”. The one thing that there isn’t here is love. There’s respect and something else but not love. I couldn’t even tell you if that’s what I want. I have spent months and months trying to fix other peoples lives that I’ve forgotten and become unclear what I want out of my own life. That’s the real tragedy right now. I have no idea what I want. Except, right now, to sleep.

On that note, I’ll write again but for tonight that’s all and again, Happy New Year!

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Music and what it means to me…

You all know that I am in love with music. In fact, Music is the first love of my life and no man will ever replace that. There’s a comfort in knowing that, no matter how you feel, there’s a piece of music out there to fit your needs. It’ll never leave you, hurt you or not understand you. Music will explain and describe how you feel when you don’t even have the words. It’s like having a best friend whenever, wherever you need one.

Music is peace, love, light, joy, understanding and it’s my everything.

With all that said, it’s only fair that one of my favorite movies is Almost famous. If you’ve never seen it, or even heard of it you must go right now and watch it, especially if you love music. It explains so much. Also, if you are in love with music as much as I am then you’ll get so many references that are hidden to the average person. Almost each and every single line, action or shot in the movie can be traced back to history in music.

And yes, at times, I have felt like Penny Lane. It goes way beyond the fact that I have been told that I looked like Kate Hudson. I have showed many a girl the lives of “musicians” and explained to them that, “Just because they show interest doesn’t mean that it’s real”. There’s a high that musicians get when they have “fans” and by flirting it’s their version of marketing and networking. It’s a job. That’s not to say that they won’t like you in some way, shape or form but it takes me to a great line in the movie, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, if ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends”. Perfect line!

I have met and meet musicians all the time and most are married. I think I’ve always had this dream to be with a musician in a relationship because I don’t want a full time man, sometimes. I’m ok with the idea of them going out and being with their “fans” and allowing them their freedom when it comes to a relationship. I already have dating ADD anyway so this would be perfect. I don’t want to be the “mistress” but I would be ok with being the wife or girlfriend and letting them do their thing as long as they came home to me. Is that weird?

Part of that is because I’ve just never felt like “wife” material but mostly it’s because I understand the lifestyle. Don’t strangle a man with the rope but give him some slack and it tends to be a happy relationship which is apparently what is lacking in all the marriages that I am around lately. If way “A” doesn’t work, what’s wrong with trying way “B”. Nothing has to be set in stone. There are no “rules”. Make them up as you go. Just my thoughts for the day on that subject.

Next fantastic line that stands out, “So Russell… What do you love about music” “To begin with, everything”. That’s probably the most true and relatable line in the movie. That’s the truth. There’s nothing NOT to love about music. Even if you don’t like the song in it’s entirety you can still appreciate the talent that it takes to build the song. I tried to explain this the other day after my friend was saying how terrible this one song was. I said, “Take it apart. Listen to the guitar. Do you hear the talent that it takes to sound like that? Now take the bass. Do you hear how perfect that bass line is? Now, take the drums. Can you hear how precise and dominant they and how they carry the song? Lastly, even though you don’t like the singers range do you understand how hard that is to pull off? Do you understand that takes practice? See, so even if you don’t like the song you can still enjoy the structure and the talent and the expertise that it takes to put it all together.”

I guess that’s where I love the movie so much. It explains why I am NOT a groupie or a fan. I love the idea of being called a “Band Aid” and here’s why, “We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids”. I’ve been with my share of musicians in many forms but it’s never about that. How can you not be around those feelings when the music is playing and not have some sort of connection to the people playing it. The emotions spill out. They spill out onto the people who are being catalysts for the songs. It’s an inevitable outcome.

“They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” I have felt this. Just the other day I had to explain this. There’s a band that I go see a lot and I’ve become friends with the musicians that play in the band. The lead-singer was going through my videos and photos and she asked, “Why do you keep recording the same stuff. I don’t even like us that much”. I explained that it wasn’t just about the songs but that I loved music so much and it will allow me to remember the song, the moment and the night if I can relate it to a recording. So what if it’s the same piece of music that I’ve recorded fifteen times.”

That was this past Friday, on the full moon, which made me do things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I have NO regrets. Regrets are for the weak and I believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a weekend of music, the beach and of setting intentions and relaxation. I haven’t had my home to myself in over a week but the moment that it is mine again I will take my pants off and watch Almost Famous again and again. Because that’s what I do. Now, I’m going to go back to my “Full Moon setting intensions” post and see where things went wrong, if they even did. Again, everything happens for a reason.

Music is my religion, my spirit and my faith. Music is my lover and my friend and my family. Music is my everything.

What’s your favorite movie about music? It’s always possible that I’ve no seen it.

I am grateful for music, the beach and for having sexual chemistry that would blow your mind, with someone. 🙂

Contradictory Life…

My life is a contradiction of itself. I can’t even explain it but I know that when I write about the good things, they stop happening. Today has been a rough day for several reasons. Mostly, they’re all contradictory.

I’m laughing and sad.

I’m leather and lace.

I’m velvet and blades.

I’m baby’s breath and bondage.

I’m a virgin and a whore.

I’m a rocker and classic.

I’m a blonde and a brunette.

I’m an honest liar.

I’m a tarnished shine.

I’m a dull star.

I’m a lonely socialite.

I’m a lazy overachiever.

I’m a mystery. I’m a desire. I’m exactly what I wanted that I knew I’d never be.

And none of it is good enough.

Yes, today I want to run away all over again.

For some reason this song is my only saving grace tonight. Please listen to it in case it’s yours.

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Helping others follow their dreams…

The other night, out with my ex, he’d confided in me that he was feeling both stagnant and lost. This is a feeling I know all too well, lately. He wasn’t sure what to do. I’d thrown out some suggestions but none of them stuck and they were interrupted by a story he wanted to tell me. During the story it hit me… This guy needed to write a book.

He’s had a very strange life. It’s a life that most people would not have faced and that’s not even up to the part that he almost died in a horrific motorcycle accident. Aside from that he’s got stories of peyote laced days in the desert, outrageous road trip stories and one of his worst which was walking in at four and a half to find his Father dead. He’s lived the life of Kurt Vonnegut meets Earnest Hemingway meets Timothy Leary. It’s the perfect idea for a book… His life.

So after a lot of hesitation and a long night of drinking I’d made him promise that he would write a first chapter before the new year. I told him that if he did then I would shop it to a book publisher that I know. After many nervous texts the next day he reluctantly decided to start. I think once he had pen to paper it just started to flow. He’d texted me later in the day to announce that the first page, possibly the introduction was done and all he had to do was transfer to type.

After lots and lots of me sending the most “I know this will be amazing” supportive texts he sent one final text to tell me that he’d emailed it to me. At that point, on that late Sunday night I was tired, sad and just wanted to sleep. I’d told him that I was so excited to read but it wouldn’t happen till the morning. That was just in case what I read was not something that I had the energy to be fake supportive about.

Finally, I lay down in my bed in my quiet home and with the only light being the iridescence of my phone I pulled up my email. I started to read and knew that I’d made the right decision in pushing him into this. In only a few words I was hooked and wanted more. I couldn’t wait to just keep reading and I found myself smiling and laughing at his words.

As I stated the other night, I would travel the ends of the world to help a friend find and conquer his dreams and my ex is included in that. I saw something in him that he couldn’t see himself and I wont’ let him quit this. My blessing is that he confided in me and I, in repayment, realized he could use my help. That feels like a great day.

I don’t spend much time with people that don’t have some sort of special power to make me want to elevate them to reach their dreams. I’ve certainly never invested my time in anyone that I thought wasn’t worth it. Some need a push, some need a pull and others just need the support of someone standing next to them as they try to do it all by themselves. Those are the things in life that I don’t and won’t regret.

Maybe that should be m calling. I’ll be a life coach and request 1% of their annual salaries once they get to where they want to be. Who am I kidding… I need a life coach and quite possibly a new country to live in by the time this night is over. I can at least give it up for the Political Erection of 2016. It has, at the very least, been entertaining but now we’ll have to live with the decision. I’m also happy that the damn political meme’s will stop being sent on an hourly schedule from friends to my phone.

I was going to do an entire political post a few weeks ago but just realized that I didn’t have the strength. I had the words but none the intention of actually posting it. We’re all sick of the fighting. I think I’ll allow myself one night to get shitfaced because of the outcome and then I’m done worrying about it for a while. I mean, I have four years to worry about it don’t I?

At least I can go to bed tonight knowing that I will help one friend get out of their stuck, lost life. I’m aware of what else would help as well but that I can not do. I can’t even decide to actually date the new guy let alone let an old ex into my life the way he wants to be let in.

One thing at a time. There’s already one ending to something and that’s about all I can handle right now.

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