The simplest explanation is the best…

I’m still a bit saddened by yesterdays events which I wish I wasn’t but I can’t lie to you all. After all the times I’ve said “I’m done” or at least that I was done being upset about stuff it’s just not that easy to shut things off. All day today, in between the laughter and jokes and good times my mind goes back to why I’m so upset about the whole situation with THE friend and my conclusion was this.

Occam’s Razor – the simplest explanation is usually the best.

For years now I’ve had little voices in my head that used to tell me the things that I suppose I wanted to hear about the out come of his and my relationship. I would explain away the bad things by saying things like, “Oh he’s just scare or insecure or shy about his feelings”. “Oh he did that because of this” or whatever. But the truth is the simplest explanation is the only one that I can even focus on. If he’s mean, rude or shitty to me it’s only because he doesn’t care enough to not be. Period. End of story.

There’s two problems with this. One, I’ve spent a long time and a lot of energy believing the hardest explanation is the truth because it was the only one that made me feel better about it. It was the only way that I’d end up being ok with him making me feel the way that I do. Now, since there’s no hope at all with the hardest explanation being the truth it puts things into perspective like it has never before. Second, almost every other time that we’ve had issues or problems or I was feeling like I was being treated like a piece of shit I got visited by his mother in my dreams and once, even his sister. Each time they told me things that put hope back into a relationship that seemed like there wasn’t any. Each time they made me understand that it wasn’t me but him that was there was something wrong with and each time they made me believe that there was a point to all of this above and beyond feeling like I didn’t deserve anything better from him.

So how does that play out now? Well, I’ve not seen any dreams like those and I’ve not been visited by any family members telling me to keep trying and believe me I’ve wished for them to come. I suppose that I really have to come to terms with the fact that it really doesn’t even matter anymore.

The other part of this that I’ve been thinking about is that I’m not a difficult person to get along with or to keep content. I don’t ask for much in return. Since I don’t ask for much in return it’s only fair to assume that it shouldn’t be hard to give me a tiny bit of what I need. But that’s obviously not the case. I often think, “seriously, how are you supposed to have a lasting meaningful relationship with the opposite sex if you can’t even do the simplest things for or with me that have never been asking too much”.

I mentioned yesterday that I’ve passed up opportunities to date or hang with others because I’ve always made him #1 priority when I shouldn’t have and realized that he’s literally NEVER passed up an opportunity to date any else without ever even considering the option that we might have worked out on some level if only for a short time. I’m am sorry to every single man that I ever passed up because I thought they weren’t worth it. I’m not sorry that I don’t give myself away as freely as he does though. I’m honestly tired so very tired of hearing all the stories from people about how freely he has been. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I was just a notch on his bed post “just because he was bored one night”.

I used to wish he would just get drunk one night and tell me he hates me and that hearing that would have just made me say, “Okay, I’m done now. Now I know how you really feel. Thank you for your honesty. Have a great life. I wish you well”. That would have actually felt better than years of showing me that he does instead and having some part of me explain his actions away and continuing to open a wound that should have never been caused in the first place.

It really doesn’t matter that you tell someone “I prioritize you. I care for you. I love you” if you don’t prove it. There are some things that are able to be believed without seeing actual proof of it like faith, God or, ironically love sometimes, but then there are the things that if you can’t show it, it’s never been true. Words are just empty without actions. I can promise you this, if these tables were turned and he felt like any of what I do and told me, being that I truly love and care about him, I would do anything in my power to fix those things about me. But why in the world would he want to fix things between us? He gets to come eat, watch TV and not talk… He shouldn’t have anything to complain about. Especially since I’m too damn tired to continuing bringing up the bullshit.

Here’s my bottom line… I know that I am struggling lately with being depressed and bored. I know that I don’t take it out on him. I also know that regardless of that issue I still go out and have fun with people that I care about even if I have to fake it for an hour or two. I know that he is struggling with depression but he does not chose to deal with it the same. You’d think, in this situation we’d actually find a similarity, a common ground that we can both relate to and help each other.

I am grateful that no one else have ever made me feel anything like this ever before in my life because I know that I don’t deserve it, even if he doesn’t… This too shall pass just not quick enough. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted. I have nothing left to give him to try to make this work.

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When the ties that bound are now only loosely tethered. 

Yesterday I was feeling bad, pain-wise. I slept most of the day. I went into the kitchen later in the day to fill a water jug and just saw nothing but a mess. There was spilled wine, loose rice, caked oil and both sinks full of dishes. It seemed to be the appropriate symbolism for the relationship that created that mess. It annoyed and upset me because in my mind it’s just disrespect. I couldn’t even fill a water jug and didn’t have the energy through my pain to fix this mess. 

I tried to not let it assault me personally but I couldn’t help but feel that it’s this complacency that I dread. These are the reasons that I feel like I’m losing a connection to someone that I once felt I’d never lose. That makes me sad. 

I think I’ve not felt that connection for some time now but have been trying to lie to myself about it. It’s all about that, that’s what bound us together. So what binds me now? We have no real “friendship”, it’s not sexual or spiritual. It used to feel that way. Neither one of us tells our friends that we hang out. It’s like some weird, strange shameful secret, on his part. On mine part it’s because I don’t want to upset him by saying something I shouldn’t. 

This is an unacceptable place that we have gotten to and one that can no longer be sustained. It’s so unfair to me because I get nothing from this except sadness. I thought my feelings would change from my last post. I thought that I’d feel better but I feel worse. 

I’d read my last post again and thought it might have sounded as though I was done because he doesn’t love me. I’ve always been clear on that. It has to do with the callousness of his words he uses. Who needs their own feelings trampled on, and thrown back in their face with disrespect? No one. I would never discuss “finding the one” with someone that had feelings for me as if their heart didn’t matter and never did. 

It reminded me of when we were more than just one night of the week. When we laughed and made each other mix CDs. Then I realized that after each and everyone of his “sweet” moments came a request for a favor. How did I become this carpet of his to do with how he pleases? How did I become this human trash can for him to dump the crap on? 

I had this thought that if I was actually a close friend to him and I was telling him of all the things someone did to me likes he’s done, if he cared he would have told me that I was stupid and that I deserve to be treated better than that. Funny how that would have worked. This would be where the good days no longer are more than the bad days. 

I can’t believe I’m in this place. I can’t believe I’ve let things get this bad. For what? For what? I know that I’ve never treated anyone like this so its not karma. Especially with this relationship. I’ve been more kind, concerned and accommodating than with anyone else in my life and it’s the worst return in history. I guess it’s one of those compensation things. 

I just realized that he hates these feelings that i had/have but they’re what’s kept me here for him so long and now in a karmic twist he treats my feelings like my home and makes me want to be further away from here than ever. So amongst the spilled wine, the dirty dishes and the broken glass I found you’ll be able to see my heart at the bottom of it all. It’s in tiny pieces with his foot prints all over. What did I ever do to be treated like that? The answer? Nothing. I have never done anything like that. 

My therapist is going to enjoy me today. At least I can be done knowing that there’s nothing more that I could have done. Thank God for therapy, exercise and knowing what I deserve. This too shall pass after a good scrub down of my kitchen later. 

I’ve spent years trying to look at our situation through both our eyes. I wish, just once, he would have done the same. 

  

Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.

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