Midweek boredom and other things…

I have been going out a lot lately and I’m a bit over it. You all know that I go through my phases. Every thing is boring to me and all the boys I meet are boring. There’s no originality any more. They are just regurgitating what every other guy has said. It was pretty bad during the World Series.

I like to watch sports. I’m not crazy about it but it’s exciting. Well, let me correct that. I like to attend sporting events but not so much watch it on TV. I’m not an insane fan but I can get on board with the home team if I wanted to. I was a lot more in to sports years ago but have lost interest to be an avid fan.

During the World Series though my friend and I had been going out to sports bars and restaurants and watching. There is something about the whole restaurant jumping up and screaming and hugging everyone around when we won the game that got us into the World Series that was fun to watch.

However, what was not fun to watch was the guys taking this opportunity to hit on the women that were there. This happened a few times. I don’t go out to pick up men or to have men pick me up. That’s not me. When I go out I try to stay in the moment with the person I’m with so their efforts are futile. Yes, I could have probably taken a few home. Yes, I probably could have had sex with a few of them but that’s so not what I want. I want passion and I actually want to feel something. Random sex isn’t going to do that for me, as much as I want the sex part.

I said here, not that long ago, that I am looking for something different. I’m not looking for a random hookup, not looking for a FWB, I’m not looking for yet another player who thinks he’s God’s gift to women and is allowed to treat them like shit. I see way too much of that. I want something that’s real and true. I want a guy who isn’t hooking up with a new one each week. I want a guy who has dreams and plans for the future. I want a guy who can love me privately and respect me publicly. I don’t need to make it “Facebook official” or obliterate social media with my dating status. I don’t need to be with him every day. I don’t even need to hear from him every day but I undoubtedly need the respect, appreciation and love that I’ve yet to find for some time now.

I don’t care if he’s into sports, I don’t care if he’s into cars. I do care that he’s into music and I do care about that “feeling” that I get from him. I need to get that feeling. You all know it but I’m tired of saying connection. I feel like a broken record most days when I write which is why I don’t write as much as I used to but the truth is I figure if the universe knows what I’m looking for then maybe by some Law of Attraction or some divine intervention that I’ll get that person sent to me.

I’m tired of a lot of things lately. I’m tired of expecting some sort of happy ending and not the kind you get in a massage parlor. I’m tired of being underwhelmed by humans. I’m tired of not getting any happy surprises. I’m tired of going out of my way to help people and either getting nowhere or it just being left unappreciated. I’m tired of people being in other peoples business. I’m tired of gossip and I’m tired of people assuming that I WANT to hear gossip.

I know. That’s a lot of shit that I’m tired of. On the other side of things I’m tired of not being able to be where I want to be in my dating life and I understand that some of it has to do with me not really giving these men that I meet a fair chance but when I meet someone I just know. You know? I don’t want bullshit and lies and fake kindness. I want real and true and honest. I would respect a man so much more if he came to me and said, “My life’s a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing but you make me happy” verses “I got my shit together, here’s some flowers and an expensive dinner.” I can see through bullshit and sometimes it’s a curse because I don’t get flattered at the gentlemen crap. I never have.

I think that a lot of women that date expect a guy to woo them and that’s fine but it’s fake. You think that the flowers and expensive dinners will always happen? No. I want to fall into comfort but not a rut. See, I can understand why my dating life is shit. I like the person I’ve become after moving back to Houston. I do but I’m even less inclined to just date someone out of boredom than ever before. But again, I do promise you that I do actually want a relationship but not a normal one. I have yet to find a man that can handle what I want with all the qualities that I want without having to explain shit. That’s when I know it’s real is when it just falls into place.

Let me bring up something that I can’t stand. I’ve said this before and it’s social media. I’m sure the original intent was a great idea but what it’s turned into is just fake news, fake photos and passive aggressive bullshit. I’ve had two Facebook accounts. One I used for personal and one I used for business. Several years ago I deleted the personal and just used the business one. Then when I started adding people on it I unfollowed everyone. I kept some uplifting people and sites on my feed and it became all about positivity but what I hate the most is all the passive aggressive shit people and yes, mostly women, about how they want these men that basically fall at their feet and worship them.

I’m all about worship each other but that’s where most of these people have it wrong. They are quick to judge the men and say that men don’t do enough and that men are always wrong and treat them like shit. However, how many of these women treat their man like a King if they want to be treated like a Queen? I started seeing these things women would post and then I’d see the men that were just worn down, beaten down by negativity and passive aggressiveness. This act does go both ways but I am a firm believer that we both have rolls. Women and men and in order for us to both be happy we have to both help not hurt each other. I am in not way, shape or form perfect but I do understand that in order to have a happy and healthy relationship you BOTH have to work and be positive and loyal and kind but truthful and appreciative and respectful.

I’ve spent my whole life quietly sitting by and people watching. Humans don’t treat humans right. I’ve seen karma get to people who have always thought they were untouchable. I’ve seen situations turn people cold and bitter and I’ve seen humans take out their past damage on people that didn’t cause it. It’s not always been a fun movie to watch but it has taught me a lot about people and who we are and how we treat people and situations. I don’t wish to reinvent the wheel but I do wish that people didn’t suck sometimes. If we take ownership of our actions. If we apologize when we fuck up. If we appreciate the people in our lives then everything else just gets salted in a good way.

So my point about social media is that it’s use today isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I see women my age and older holding men at a higher standard than they’re willing to offer to the men and that doesn’t seem fair to me. I’m not taking sides but am a quiet observer. I spend most of my life doing that. Observing. An old friend and I used to go to this local mall where they had these oversized super comfy chairs and we’d people watch for hours. We’d make up stories about them or our version or who they are. Course this was 20 years ago and we were usually super high at the time but it was another way of looking at the world or at least the people in it.

I guess my wish for today is that people try to happily surprise each other, be kind and forgiving too. I wish that 40 year olds stop using filters because it’s basically fake advertising and I wish that I find a man that I can treat like the King he is for me to be the Queen I am and that I can still do weird shit with. I hope you are all having an amazing week.

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My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

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My continuation from yesterday, on a rainy day…

I realized that I never even got to the weirdness or drama of my life yesterday. Maybe that’s why I don’t write during the day. They say the artist’s time is at night. Not that I’m saying I’m an artist but the creative type… you get it.

So a couple weeks ago I started talking to my friend again. The one who’s husband I work with. We hadn’t really spoken in a while because I was over the drama. I was over being sucked into whatever was going on with her. I don’t actually remember why we started talking again but when we did a huge secret came out of her mouth. She’d told me that she was having a relationship with someone that knows her husband and is actually one of her brother-in-laws best friends.

This news didn’t surprise me from her but it reminded me of one thing that I’ll never do and have never done. I’ve never slept with anyone who was a friend of an ex. I think that is just one of the tackiest things to ever do. I would never sleep with a friend of an ex or current boyfriend or FWB, flirt with or do anything inappropriate with. That’s just a line I wouldn’t cross. Men are territorial. I respect that. Which brings me to my next thought…

I’ve been told on several occasions that I make an amazing friend and I’d make an amazing wife but I’m a terrible girlfriend. I don’t disagree with this statement and never have. Most guys that I date know that my friends come first and always will. I do anything for my friends. Boyfriends just never seem to keep my attention and I’m terrible at communication. I’m quiet and don’t really ever feel comfortable with public displays of affection and because I’m so secretive about who I’m dating, having any sort of relationship with or having feelings for it’s weird for the guy.

I’ve spoken about him before but I think one of my favorite FWB’s was this guy who was dominant. Not so dominant that he was controlling or maybe he was but in a good way. He would kind of take over everything. He knew what I liked. He’d either buy me or tell me what to wear. He’d order my food or drink and he’d just grab my hand in public knowing that I’d feel uncomfortable but he knew I needed that whether I wanted it or not. In the bedroom he was passionate but also dominant which is perfect too. We’re not talking “Fifty Shades of Shit” here. I don’t know it’s just something about being this professional business woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone during the day and at night I just let him take control.

The thing about that guy above was that he wasn’t in any of my other circles. He’d never met my friends, family or work. I’d go to his work dinners and we’d enjoy these fantastically expensive trips and dinners out. He was classy and sophisticated. I remember sitting listening to classical music laying on the couch one night and looking at him thinking that this was perfect for me until I realized he was always just going to be that. I liked how he treated me but he was strictly classical. If I’d started playing some Lamb of God’s or something he would have lost his shit. So, the great parts of what that relationship was and the great parts about him go into the “intention setting” jar with the best parts of others to find my perfect man.

The reason I bring that guy up is that at one of his work dinners I remember a client of his hitting on me. I was respectful but also quickly respectfully explained that I wouldn’t cross that line. I never told him it happened because there was never a need to. But it just brings up that there are certain “rules” or expectations that should be followed out of nothing more than kindness I guess. Whether you’re with a boyfriend, casually dating or FWB’s there are still “rules”. These are all the reasons why I’ve never made it to the “wife” title and because I’m apparently an enigma. Guys are so used to women being like my friend above that when a girl comes along that’s not like that they almost don’t believe it or they keep testing to see when the “crazy” will come out.

When the boys keep testing the waters to see when the crazy will come out, it’s just annoying and then I lose interest. All I can think is, “Look if you don’t believe that I’m who I say I am then I don’t need to be around you.”. I don’t have a vindictive side, a jealous side or even a cruel side. When someone hurts me I try to understand why they would instead of instantly flying into some emotional craze. I don’t actually know if that’s a flaw or a bonus but when you understand why someone is the way they are it makes me less likely to just disappear. It’s an empath thing I guess. I don’t know.

But now we move on to something that’s fun and kind of ties into the things about the guy above that I liked. The drummer has those qualities. He’s very dominant and I like that. But the other night he actually requested the outfit of the fantasy that I told you all about a couple months ago. I’ve never discussed this with him and was instantly turned on. It didn’t happen for my own reasons but all I can hope is that the opportunity comes up again.

He’s a weird one… I mean HE’S not weird but the way we interact is weird. He’s another one that appears to keep waiting for my crazy to come out. Men just don’t get that I don’t have that bullshit crazy about me that most women do. I have my crazy it’s just in a weird hippy spiritual way. My analytical and logical sides have always won over than my emotional side has. The emotional crazed bitch side of things would probably make it easy for most girls to get jealous or pissed off about all the women he’s with. But my logical side says, “This dudes been in a relationship for a long time. He NEEDS to treat dating like a buffet for a while.” Which is probably by I’m kept my feelings in check.

I’ve never really been one that “falls in love” with a FWB’s anyway. It’s like there’s a switch that can either get turned off or on. At the beginning of meeting someone I quickly assume “leave the switch on” or “keep that switch the fuck off”. I’ve never turned that “he may become more” switch on with him because he’s never been available so it’s still in that mode. However, his comments about how I’m going to fall or going to become emotional or whatever he says are just enforcing that the switch stays in the off position.

The exact type of relationship that I NEED and WANT is hard for guys to understand. Mostly because I don’t communicate it but even in my FWB’s things I need that intimacy. Yeah, I get it, I don’t say that much at all. But I secretly like the private moments of hand holding, caressing and kissing. I don’t need the “How was your day” text messages every day. I need the passion. I don’t need the “What do YOU want to do sweetheart” text messages. I need someone who says, “Be here at 8”. Then when I’m there I need music, and sarcasm and kisses and jokes and passion and sex and laughing and toying and more passion and respect and bonding and stories and hand holding and slow dancing and then when I go home I’m happy to fall asleep with those thoughts and not expect to wake up to a “Good morning beautiful” text message. I guess I need a private boyfriend but a public friend if that makes any sense.

As I said, I’m an enigma. I understand why I’m the perfect friend and wife but a terrible girlfriend. I’m fiercely loyal and understanding. These are the things that I know are great about me. I have my days when I feel like a horrible person for some reason but I know what’s great and amazing about me.

This post has gone on way too long and still not even touched on even more weird shit but I’m done for the day… Just typing my thoughts out so they’re out of my head for today. xXx

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Mirror Images and Polar Opposites…

Apparently my weekend summation comes to me on my Wednesday evening. It was a good weekend but also a bad one. So, you all know my aversion to social media. I think it distracts us from the real world and takes us out of our “in the moment” moments. I strongly dislike social media (insert irony that I’m still posting that to a social media-ish site). The reason I bring this up is because I am on Facebook a lot for work. I am friends with a few but usually mute everyone except my clients. I get “like this page” or “invite here” all the time but rarely pay any attention.

Friday, I got an invite to see a band that the drummer had sent me. He’s kind of infamous for inviting lots of girls, friends, whoever to stuff so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later I get a message from him asking if I was going to go. When I went back and looked I was the only one he’d invited. I immediately started going through the roster of people that wouldn’t embarrass me and quickly realized there’s not a lot of those and instead asked my boss if he wanted to go. He’d said, “Sure” and that he was going to invite this chick that has been after him to see what I thought of her. Rolling my eyes I replied, “Whatever just be ready by 8:30”.

One thing that will NEVER change about my boss is that he will always think this world revolves around him. In part, that’s my fault because whenever he fucks up I’ve always been there to fix his blunders. BUT that means that I should have done what I always do and tell him to be ready 30 minutes before I need him ready. In normal fashion I show up and he’s walking around the house half naked and hasn’t even showered yet. I, in turn, yell at him till he’s in the shower and end up sitting on the couch talking with his son.

After my boss gets himself dressed, makes himself a drink we are finally on the road. I’m nervous because the drummer and I hadn’t seen each other since we got really personal with each other before. My boss is spending the entire 30 minute drive talking about his ex-girlfriend, not that I expected anything different but by the time we got to the venue he’d basically put me in a dazed from listening to him for so long that I wasn’t really nervous anymore but I couldn’t take this silly girly smile off my face. I felt like a child.

We go inside the bar, and outside to the patio and grab the first table with direct line of sight to the drummer. My boss doesn’t REALLY know what’s going on with us except that we’re going to see my “friend” and that’s all. I’ve always been this way. I always keep my relationships a secret and not because of the people that I’m interested in. I’ll get into this part later.

The band starts to play and the drummer looks over and smiles and I smile back and with a nod of his head he’s asking me silently how he sounds. My silent reply tells him that he sounds great. But at one point, I guess, the drummer and I were both looking at each other and smiling like children and my boss starts to put two-and-two together. Which usually for him comes out to five. He starts razzing me like an old brother would and then proceeds to keep calling the drummer Thor. This happened until my boss’s interested party shows up.

Okay, so I know that most humans have a “type”. I had a type before I started caring what their souls looked like instead of everything else. BUT this chick walks in and I had to do a double-take. She was the mirror image of my boss’s ex-girlfriend. She and I shook hands and then I just kept watching the drummer play. Every once in a while my boss would nudge me or ask me something and I just replied with some vague answer and kept doing my thing. During the first break the band got while we were there the drummer came over, gave me to obligatory hug and I introduced him to my boss and “what’s-her-name”. He and I then went outside for a bit and just chatted with his bass player while my boss was buying everyone drinks.

So, the night goes on and I’m not really focused on what’s going on around me because I’m just in awe of the drummer’s talent and have told him that in my best sarcastic comments. The chick had finally decided that she didn’t like my boss and I sitting next to each other so she yanks him out of the way and sits next to me, forcing me to take selfies with her and exchanging phone numbers. Once the band stopped playing I went outside while he was loading up his gear and we chatted some more. At this point I was assuming that my boss was just inside drinking especially since I’d passed on his phone call and ignored several messages from him and his new chick.

The drummer and I had gone back inside to drink a bit more and I realized that the text messages were the boss asking where the fuck I was and that he wanted to leave. Which he’d done all on his own. Oops. But I finally felt relaxed because he was gone. It was finally just “us” meaning the drummer and I. We chatted and he got personal and I love that he’s comfortable enough to get as personal as he has. I see that he’s self-conscious about things and I keep giving him compliments which just makes him uneasy but there’s so much more that I’d say to him if we were just alone, no time frame and no agenda. But what happened next was amazing.

So, I do this thing when I meet someone new. I ask them for five songs that would be on their “Life Soundtrack”. I don’t do this because I’m inherently a 13 year old girl. I do this because that question tells me so much about someone whether they know it or not but I’d asked him and he gave them up at our last encounter without any thought as to why I’m asking. But this time, it lead us to talking about music and we ended our night by sitting in my car and listening to music that meant a lot to him and it was… all I needed.

Within our time together he’d told me that he made the final decision to get his own place which meant he was officially done with his marriage. He’d asked when we could see each other again, to which I replied, “Look, you’re the one with 30 things going on. I’ll make the time for you”. He gave me a kiss, hug and I was off home around 2ish in the morning, maybe 3.

Here’s a problem that I have though. I’m trying to be more “open” to love and emotions and all that crap BUT I am also fully aware that he’s a musician, a Latin man and that he’s a flirt. My bullshit radar goes off when he says some of the things he says to me. Let me give you some examples:

  • We should have a British and Peruvian baby running around.
  • Let’s move in together.
  • You’re the perfect girlfriend.
  • Let’s ride off into the sunset together.
  • Yes, I expect you to be at all my shows.
  • I Love you.

Here’s my dilemma… Hidden in some of the bullshit is some truth. BUT he’s literally not even divorced yet so I’m under no assumption that he’s looking to jump right into a relationship. He’s said the “L” word a couple times now to which I’ve ignored. We’ve only technically hung out once that wasn’t after a show. BUT if he’s way more serious than I think then I don’t really know what to feel. So, not knowing what the fuck to think I actually polled a few men in my life. Two of these men have actually seen the drummer and I together and they think he’s more truth than not. The other man who has seen us together but doesn’t know I’m talking about him says I should disregard the “L” word and focus on the rest of the stuff because that’s what happens when you drink liquid courage. So basically I am no closer to understanding what he wants this “ship” to be. I have no clue when I’ll see him again and I’m just at a loss. So, I’m trying to be more open but then the rules change up on my… and welcome to my world of confusing dating.

I have never been that “So where is this heading” girl before and it’s not that I’m there now but I don’t want to hurt him by not thinking it’s what he thinks it is and I certainly don’t want to pass up opportunities from hanging with other men because I’d feel like I was cheating if he’s serious. I can only assume this is why guys think chicks are crazy and women think men are assholes.

There’s a practice of setting intentions around a new moon as well as a full moon so I guess my intention is to find out what the drummer wants this to be so I’m not in a state of perpetual confusion. But I will say this… I’m having fun and I enjoy every moment we do get to spend together. That’s my sober truth for tonight.

Nite xXx

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Her Perfect Man!

There was a quote posted for me about My perfect man by my friend. This is what it said:

“He’s not perfect to anyone but her. He’s kind and sexy. He’s in love with music. He’s tattooed and loud and selfless. He likes that she’s leather and lace and that she’s crazy and free. She likes that his eyes look deep into hers without letting go. He can see into her soul. Now, she’s just waiting to meet him one day…”

Truth, I wrote it. All of it and it embodies what I’m looking for. I thought I’d create the perfect man from all the men I’ve know but turns out all of that came, mostly, from one man. He’s someone that I dubbed “off limits” as much as I want him.

My last few posts have been about all the married men around me and all of their mischievousness. I’d decided that my karma would just be too poorly returned if I’d continued with any sort of anything with any of them so one got blocked from every way of contacting me. One went strictly to a work relationship which means we don’t speak at all right now. This left two, both which happen to be in the same band.

The one guy in the band was/is my friends “Mister”. He keeps this idea in the back of his mind that we’ll all have a threesome one day. This idea, we’ve both told him, will never happen. The problem with this guy is this… I am not sure about their entire affair. She’s married to my co-worker/ex (she doesn’t know about the ex part). I like her husband and probably will always like him. He’s a good man. Actually, he’s a great man. He and I have cultivated this weird brother/sister relationship and it wrecks me every time I see or speak to him to know that she’s doing this. I’ve told her, “WTF are you doing? Your husband’s a good man!” But nothing is changing. No matter how much the Mister is an asshole.

That’s the part that gets me in trouble. See, I believe in connections and believe that we don’t meet people randomly or by accident. I believe that all humans come into and out of our lives for a reason. When my friend met this Mister of hers I felt like it was fate. BUT I now believe that she met him to show just how amazing her husband really is but she’s still claws-deep fighting to keep this affair going.

There was a point that things got so frustrating that I told her I would help by reaching out to the Mister and seeing where his head was at. This was a mistake apparently. Why? Because it appears that he doesn’t have any close friends to talk to so I am now that sounding ear. In fact, he’s confided in me more than he’s ever said to her. I’d be ok with that except he’s confusing a friendly ear for something else. He’s, now, said twice that he’s going to just come by my place knowing that she wouldn’t be here. He’s mentioned the threesome each chance he gets and lastly, he’s very sexual when speaking to me. After he gets advice of course. But each attempt that he’s made has been squashed and I feel like I’m keeping yet another secret. One that means her Mister isn’t as kind or sweet as she once thought but she keeps fighting for this to be real. I don’t understand why and I tell her that every chance I get.

There she is with a loving, loyal and good man and she’s chasing after a dick who can’t make up his mind and has strayed on numerous occasions. She was warned once by a friend of his that he’d never be faithful and never be honest. She chose to not believe that friend then but should really consider it now.

This is where things get a bit sticky… She is one of those women that are passive-aggressive and posts quotes on social media about relationships and how men don’t treat women right. Everyone that follows her on social media thinks she’s talking about her husband… Except me. Because I know the truth. But her brother-in-laws girlfriend, who I am also good friends with, asked me flat-out the other night if my friend was cheating on her husband.

I HATE lies, lying and liars… I always have. Here I was knowing that I would have to come up with something so quick and believable that it made me sick to my stomach. I quickly replied, “No, those posts are for some of her friends, me, mostly and some for you”. See she’s in a shitty life sucking relationship with my boss, my friends brother-in-law and so she understood that. That’s a whole other story there. But I came up with this story about having a “crush” on the drummer and how I’ve been dragging her to their shows and that she thinks he’s treated me like shit…. Yes, this would be the one that made out with me on a drunken night and has said things to me that most girls would kill to hear except, again, he’s also married. But knew that I could prove “something” was going on because I had proof of the drummer consistently starring at me during his shows and this would be enough to win my case. And it did.

So now, I’m the girl with the crush on the married guy and for some reason this is acceptable to those that ask. My only solace is that I actually do. I think I’ve said it before but I have NEVER been as sexually attracted to ANYONE as I am this guy BUT have made the conscious choice that I wouldn’t let anything happen because that’s not who I am. It’s easy since we don’t speak outside of going to their shows which we’ve not done for some time now and it’s hard to keep crushing on someone that you don’t ever see, speak to or have any connection to because I don’t really know him.

My world is full of unhappily married people searching for something while holding on to what they already have in case they can’t find what they’re looking for. Problem is, I don’t think any of them know what they’re looking for. Well, except for the drummer. I think he’s just looking to get laid but is entirely in love with his wife AND yes. I do think that it’s possible to completely be in love with someone and yet still want to screw someone else. I’m just not going to allow myself to be the one who gets fucked anymore.

So why did my friend post that quote for me? I guess it’s because I’m trying to take the good things out of the guy that I do have a crush on and put those qualities out in the universe to come back to me in the same form but just a single man. Is it that hard to find a single, Latin, musically inclined beautiful man? Apparently, yes it is.

I am grateful, tonight, that my home is where people come for solitude, calmness and to feel safe. That, more than anything, is a comfort in know that. I’ll write about why another night when my mind isn’t on sex and one man.

I go through life wondering why my fear of commitment has always trumped my desire to love a man so deeply that it hurts. Maybe one day I’ll figure out why that is…

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#TimesUp – Women’s March

I’m here. Here with women on a day where the power of a woman is unmeasurable.
There’s so much pink, and power and pride.
I have silently screamed for so long and now… I’m done. I will be loud.

#TimesUp – The first time.
I was 10 and cute and innocent.
What one should be at that age.
We were all playing.
Me, my brother and our babysitter.
Parents are out and I was being a kid, a child.
“It’s time for bed”, he said.
I remember going to bed in my nightgown.
My 10 year old kids nightgown.
What happened next made me age beyond years.
He touched and “played”.
He made it sound fun.
I knew it was something that it shouldn’t be.
He had no right!
WHO DOES THAT?
But not the worst that happened.
I woke up and it felt like everyone knew.
But no one spoke about it.
I was told later, “We knew something happened but we just didn’t have him babysit again”.
But for years I thought that my mind was sick.
I thought that I’d made it all up.
I must have.
No one’s confirmed.
Years go by.
15 years go by.
I met a girl that knew me.
I met a girl that knew him.
She had the same memories.
She had the same babysitter.
Finally!
I finally knew I wasn’t crazy.
But then it just felt like I was lost and alone.
Ignorance doesn’t make it go away.
Ignorance doesn’t make it feel better.
Ignorance made it happen to many others.

Fuck you ignorance.

Fuck you babysitter.

Fuck you memories.

#TimesUp – The second time.
He was a neighbor.
I let him in my home.
He brought a friend.
He left knowing his friend was not a friend of mine.
It was on a pool table.
It was unkind.
It was painful.
It was my fault?
I was silent. Again.

Fuck you neighbor!

Fuck you neighbor’s friend!

Fuck you silence!

#TimesUp – The third time.
He was a boss.
I was much older this time.
I was much stronger this time.
I held my own.
But it didn’t stop his attempts.
Over and over and over again.
But would I have let things go on as long if I wasn’t jaded by the first time or the second time?
This would go on for years.
But I figured out his other dirty secret and then it all stopped.

Fuck you boss!

Fuck you secrets!

Fuck you again!

I am NOT a victim.

#TimesUp – The four and fifth and sixth and…. times.
The guy in the parking lot that wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
The guy that fucks you to use you.
The guy that grabs you unasked.
The guy that loves you to use you.
The guy that leaves you to do it to someone else.
The guys that shroud their ignorance with excuses.

The guys that made it impossible for me to love fully and unconditionally. The guys that made it impossible for me to trust another.

I think, in the last 10 years I’ve known one man who made me feel whole again. He made me feel beautiful and strong and like I wasn’t the most fucked up person. He’s accepting and honest and kind and beautiful. He loves me and he tells me. He’s not afraid. He’s got the best soul and he makes me feel like I’m not broken. He’s a true beautiful soul. He’s a true believer in women. He’s my ex and my best friend and maybe one day we’ll be more when we’re both ready but for now. He’s just Dan.

I only bring Dan up because on a day that seems like such a powerful day for women I thought I’d give a shout out to one man that truly stands up for women. He’s the first and only real man that I know. I wish that wasn’t true. I wish I knew more but I am grateful for him because he makes all the times above feel like they never happened. He’s my blessing.

That’s what I have to say as the first post in a long time. So much has changed and maybe I’ll get back into writing. Maybe I won’t. But I just needed to put my blessing out in the world today.

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Charity and arm candy connections…

A few years back I met, through work, a man that was gorgeous, charming and well off. We’d gone out on one date and the evening ended when I realized that he was a horrible kisser, that he’d been “around the block” way to many times and he was a bit too perfect for my taste. However, he became the perfect date to take to these charity gala’s that I go to. He’s very charming, has a nice car and is some pretty nice arm candy but that is as far as any of this goes. One of the biggest turn offs to me and most women is when a guy is just out for one thing. You can usually tell by what they say, how nice they are or by their body movements. It’s not that difficult. After that first date, he’d asked the next night when we could see each other again and I told him it was just better that we were friends. This actually made him relax a bit. We’re not close but he’s my go to for swanky events.

The first event I invited him to was to raise awareness about neuroblastoma and he was the best date. He’d actually given me money to buy a nice dress, shoes and whatever else I wanted. I told him I didn’t need any of it and that he was my date but, as I found out quickly, he’s a control freak and likes to tell women what to dress like, how to do their hair and nails. It was weird being such an independent woman but it was one night, for a good cause and I didn’t mind not having to think about what to put on. The idea of having a thousand dresses and shoes spewed across my bed actually gives me anxiety so it was a win win situation.

The ladies loved him and the men could relate to his love of nice cars. I reminded him several times that it wasn’t a date and he was more than capable of getting any phone numbers he wanted, from any women there. He said he found that to be tacky whether it was an actual date or not. Like I said, he very charming. He’s got the type of charm I like to call “intent charm”. This is when a man says something to push through an agenda and only for that reason. It’s basically fake charm. I prefer the mouth be closed unless there’s an actual compliment that comes out of it that is meant but he gets a lot of women that way.

We’d hung out a few more times, randomly. He’d even taken me out for my birthday one year. That didn’t go as planned and just reassured me that he was not one that I could date, not to mention the fact that as much as he talked about settling down and having a family one day he was in absolutely no rush to do this and quite frankly, I don’t think he’d have been faithful or even really interest no matter who his wife was. You see, after you get past the bullshit and the line is drawn that there will be no future, sex or anything with someone their walls tend to come down and they start to be honest because they finally feel like they don’t have to impress you anymore. The trouble with this theory is that once men do that, they tends to become too comfortable and start to look at you as someone that they could spend the rest of their life with. It’s kind of a double edge sword for those types of guys.

The next big event I’d asked him to go to was the Porsche Macan Launch party, last year I think. He was most certainly into this and did the same thing he’d done before. He sent a dress and shoes. He showed up with flowers and was a complete gentleman. We actually had a really great time. One of the things that I’d always liked about him was that even though he knew we weren’t dating, he’d always treat our time together as a date. He’d bring the flowers, open the doors, pull out the chair. He wouldn’t look at other women, wasn’t interested in what was going on outside of where we were and was completely and always in the moment. It was a nice change. I liked his classy, gentleman aura and always appreciated his authenticity with me after we got past the bullshit. Also, one of the nicest memories I have is this. Right before he moved I went to see him at his condo. His expensive home lacked the cluttered effect that my home has. Clean, organized and everything out of sight but in his office he had this great wall of photos. He had photos with everyone from famous athletes to big wig corporate assholes. Within this wall of his memories was two photos that stood out. One, I remember taking. It was at the Porsche event and we looked great. The other was a picture he’d taken that I didn’t know about. My hair was down. I was smiling and I was looking at something. He’d taken it in black and white and it’s one of the few photos that I would say I look beautiful in. Not to mention that it was taken when I didn’t even know it. He captured something that I didn’t even know was out there to catch.

Now, he’s moved to Dallas for his job. (I still have no idea what he does.) I have an invite to another event in a few weeks and need a nice piece of arm candy to go along with the night. I’ve been thinking about calling him up to see where he’s at in life and see if he’d come down for that evening for no other reason that it’s nice to be treated like a lady and pampered once in a while by someone else. Is that selfish? It’s not as though I’ve not been honest with him and he knows that he’s not going to get lucky that night. We shall see. You never know what’s going to happen in a few weeks. This might be why I’ve been working out so freakin hard lately. I’d like to look good for our pictures too, especially if he decides to take one without my knowledge again.

I always say it’s the little things that make me smile. I’ve been in a great mood all week. This is feel good. I hope for it to only get better. Hope you are all having a great week as well. Good night.

This song has nothing to do with the guy above but I heard it today and realized that I forgot how much I love it.
Share the World By: SPZRKT