Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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27 Days of Music – The T’s… and some rambling.

My day was rough. My night was much better but I’m still working out the rough part of the day. I think I’m going to focus my weekend internet usage on searching for a new place to live… This place is just getting worse. However, when it comes to the “new home search” I barely gain much momentum. I just always assumed I’d move right from this place to Austin unless something magical happened. Nothing magical has happened.

I’m going to go soak this day off in the tub. Hope you had a nice day.

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Social Media boycott and other useless things…

I just, finally, got a chance to think for a while and realized that I hadn’t been on here for sometime. My world has been crazy and strange as usual but I’ve also been boycotting social media as I’ve been going through a lot. After reading an article and talking to a friend of mine we’d discussed how much better it feels to not be on any site but rather out in the real world. The article was stating the obvious, that people are happier, healthier and more mentally stable when they are not on social media and the ones that aren’t on there are often more intelligent and well grounded. I do understand that this site is considered social media but I look at it more as an online journal. I deleted some site profiles and facebook will be dumped as soon as I can switch over the admin rights to my business site.

But it started me thinking that I was supposed to be going sky diving in a few days. Which made me think of my friend that I’ve talked about so much on here. We’ve not seen or spoken to each other in months. I’m not really sure how I feel about that but I do know that I can read this as God answering my prayer. My last prayer for him was that if my friend truly loved and cared for me as he said he did then he’d find a way to reach out to me without any asterisk or reason but if my “friend” was just using me and never really cared about our friendship then I wouldn’t hear from him. Well, I’ve not heard from him. I’ve been so wrapped up in some really bad stuff that I’ve not had time to process this much but it makes me sad that this will be his first birthday in a few years that someone else will get to make sure he gets pampered. Since God might have answered my prayers, it’s possible he never really cared that it was me that was making sure his day was what he wanted anyway. I miss his face, our time together and I miss our weird relationship but as I’ve said many times before, I guess this had an expiration date. It didn’t have to but he has had no drive to reach out once he found someone else to spend his time with. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths again and maybe one day I’ll realize why this happened.

But moving on passed that bit of sadness, it’s now the time for giving. I’ve been doing a lot of volunteer work lately and trying to, at the very least, make others happy. Truth is, and please don’t spread this, but I’m actually a very nice and kind person. I’m just wrapped in an icy package. If you can break through that then there’s hope for you.

I’m not sure I’m ready to write about the bad stuff that’s been going on lately but only because I’m trying to sort it all out. I’m not so good at the communication or the emotional stuff. This is where I need help, always have. I’ve still not had any time to just sit and watch TV for months now. My DVR queue is doubling by the day and I don’t really even have much desire to care about it. Three of my favorite shows started in the past couple months and I’ve not watched any of it.

Soon we’ll be doing the Thanksgiving thing with family and friends and not long after that it’ll be Christmas. I can’t even think about that let alone be reminded every time I walk into any establishment. People are already asking what I want for Christmas and the things I really want I can’t ask for or don’t know how. This would be my list:
I want to be able to be emotionally healthy.
I want bad things to stop happening to the people I care about and me.
I want a redo on a few things.
I want someone to realize that I need things that I’m not willing to ask for and just help anyway.
I want to have not been right about a lot of things lately.
I want my world to stop spinning so fast for just a little while.
I want some happy in my life.
I want all the stupid, fake, simple and hurtful people to just go away, far far away from me.

That’s my list. Should all be easy to do right? Not so much but I have been going to church and meditating a lot lately. That helps, both do. My music is still there which helps. Today, apparently, I was supposed to spend my time driving listening to the Velvet Underground and Nico. Not such a bad idea, iTunes music. Thank you. But what I’m really in need of is some good or even great surprises. I need this to happen sooner than later or I’m going to go off the deep end. I’m so tired of the same, simple, shitty expectations being met. Even the boys that are around me are the same, simple and shitty. Well, that’s not true. They’re not shitty. They are, however, boring. There’s just no spark. I don’t waste my time without a spark anymore. There’s just no reason too.

Blah, I wish I had something perfectly amazing to write about but not lately, I don’t. Maybe I’ll have better luck this weekend. I have no idea why. Too many things to do when all I want to do is sleep.

I hope you all are having a amazing and blessed day. What’s on your Christmas list?

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