I took my regular sleeping pills early, as in four hours ago and as you can see they have not helped me one bit. I laid down and closed my eyes and my fucking mind wouldn’t shut up. It’s been going through these weird scenarios in my head of what I WANT to happen but know will not. I’ve tried to shut my brain off so many times in the last few hours hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep but nothing seems to be working so I thought that I’d try to write. Maybe then these fucking thoughts would, at least, be out of my mind.
I think I’ve been in a weird mood all weekend but I’ve been so busy running around all over town that today I decided to silence my phone and basically hide from the world. I do that. I do that when I start to feel anything. I run or in this case hide. I realize that I am so tired… of everything.
I’m tired of trying and feeling nothing for people that I should and I’m tired of feeling things for people that I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to everyone. I’m tired of having connections with people that I shouldn’t. I’m just fucking tired and yet somehow I’m up, typing at 3:17 in the morning because my mind is jumbled. I am literally here crying because I don’t know what else to do.
At 2:00 a.m. I took some pill a friend had given me when she gets anxious. That was almost an hour and a half ago and nothing. Still wide awake and tears streaming down my face. I’m not depressed, or freaking out or going crazy but I still feel like I’m a mess right now.
I’d made this mistake earlier in the week and reached out for some divine intervention from the universe and my Shaman friend and got the answer that I WANTED to hear about one situation that’s really bothering me except that version of this story seems so unlikely to happen. I know all that seems very vague of me but I’m actually too scared to put out in the universe what I think that I want. Even for me to put it on here seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not ready to say what I want to the universe, to my friends or even to you all here. That’s how this makes me feel right now. Scared…
Yes, you all know there’s one thing that truly scares the shit out of me and it’s love. I meet these guys all the time and I can tell that they can or would or do love me but they’re never the ones that I want. Perfect example. Yesterday my GBF’s sister and I went furniture shopping. Well, she came with me while I shopped. We’d gone to 8 different places. But it was the last place that stuck with me.
I left my friend in the car as it was already late and she didn’t want to come in any more of these stores. The manager of the store came over and I told him what I wanted. Then we walked around the store and within a few moments he was telling me his life story. Literally in 15 minutes he’d told me that he didn’t have parents, that he’d been a terrible house fire two years ago and lost everything and in that fire he’d lost his dog, cat and got seriously badly burned. He’d shown me the pictures of the fire and his burn scars and he just kept going.
He’d been talking for 45 minutes when my friend came in from the car and gave me the “WTF” look. She’d walked in as he was saying, “There’s a reason I met you. We needed to meet for some reason”. I walked out of there with no new sofa but his phone number. My friend kept saying, “He’s nice. You should go out with him.” Then she’d ask me, “What happened to the guy you went out with a couple weeks ago?”. Then just as I’m typing this tonight I get a message from my music mentor friend saying that he needs me to call him because he “needs to hear my voice”.
There are literally men all around me that want to be with me but the last man that I cared to go out of my way to be around is the drummer and that is such a dumb idea. All I get with him is mixed messages and unsubstantiated truths. But this “feeling” that there should be so much more. That there is so much more. But we don’t want the same things or we both scared as fuck or worse case scenario he’s just completely lied to me about all the things that I actually want to be true from him.
Here’s more truth than I’ve ever said about him, the drummer, I think that we BOTH feel the same way about each other. I don’t know if it’s love, YET. But I do know that it’s a soul connection. However, this soul connection has come at the worst time because we both want something different. I’ll never let myself feel anything real with him unless I know that what he feels is true. He’s said so many things then taken them back and said them again then blamed it on being drunk.
Our truth, to me, WE ARE SOUL CONNECTED FOR A REASON. We met each other at that specific time for a reason. We are supposed to be in each other’s lives for a reason except I am trying so damn hard to protect my heart that I will run the other direction if there is even a possibility that he’ll never truly admit it, sober, without taking it back.
My breakdown tonight isn’t about him. It’s about the fact that I always seem to have feelings or feel the most connected to people that aren’t in the same place as I am. But the worst part is that because he and I are so similar we could sit next to each other every day for a year and never open up our FUCKING MOUTHS AND HEARTS TO EACH OTHER!
My frustration is that even though I’ve been safe with my heart knowing that he doesn’t want the same things that I do that I’ve failed to keep my feelings completely shut off. Now, I’ve done a way better job that ever before. Just when I think I’m completely done with him because I’m done with whatever game he’s playing I close my eyes and I remember the way that we BOTH feel when we’re looking each other in the eyes. There is energy that I’ve never felt before from someone else, from both of us. It’s the rush we both get from each other and when we’re in public it’s this pride that I feel for him. And when we’re alone and being intimate I feel that we’re both there in the moment but we’re both holding back because it’s almost overwhelming. I feel his insecurities. I feel the love that he wants me to give him. I feel like I know more about him than he realizes but I will never let myself be vulnerable enough to tell him any of this without him opening up first.
… And that’s actually unfair because he’s been more honest and vulnerable with me than I have with him already but then he gets insecure and takes it back. I JUST WANT REAL AND HONEST AND SOME FUCKING TRUTH AND NO MORE FUCKING GAMES.
What’s fucking with my mind is that I am meeting more men lately than ever before. Great men. Men that could treat me right and teach me things and love me the way I need to be loved. What’s the fucking lesson here? If I’m supposed to be with one of them then why is the fucking energy with the drummer so strong that I can still feel it when I close my eyes.
I’m fine with it until I meet someone else that’s interested in me and I feel nothing. So what I am asking the universe, tonight, at my weakest hour is if there is to be nothing of substance with the drummer and I, if we have no future then I need to never hear from him again. I am in the precipice of a life event where I need to either see what it’s here for or to be done with it and completely move on because having that connection with him and no future would slowly kill me and I’d never be able to be in a relationship with another man if he was in my life knowing I couldn’t ever feel that electricity with someone else.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense here at all since it’s now almost five in the morning but my mental chaos tonight isn’t because of the drummer. It’s because of the men that keep coming into my world that I don’t want. I’m mad at myself. I’m so very mad at myself for giving a shit and for feeling anything at all.
So that’s what I’m asking for tonight, “Dear Universe, I’m asking that if there is no future of nothing more than what the drummer and I are right now then I ask that he never reach out to me ever again. That will be my answer”. I need answers.