Black silk sheets and sleepless nights…

I often think about those of you that come here to read my diatribes of dating. All I know is where you’re from, I mean from what country and that’s all. That might have been what I was wondering at 4 this morning.

I went to sleep around 1 am and because I’d worked out like crazy yesterday I thought I’d go out like a light. However, that wasn’t the case. I woke just before 4 this morning and just lied there in my black silk sheets, starring at what I think was the outline of the fan and listening to a rainstorm on my phone that’s supposed to keep me asleep. It did not. I tried once to go right back to sleep but wasn’t able to. I seriously cannot shut my mind off. I’d finally gotten up and used the restroom came back and sat on my bed. Wasn’t even tired. At around five I decided to just get up and work out. See, it becomes my obsession when needed, my therapy if you will.

I finished working out, showered and texted my co-worker and told him I was going back to sleep at 7. This did not happen. I lied there again thinking all these weird things likes these:

  • Hmmm, I never did replace my sex toys. I’d really like to get a new whip and cuffs.
  • I’m pretty sure my crazy friend (co-workers wife) has an STD.
  • I wonder if I should buy that outfit now, the “new goal outfit”.
  • I totally forgot to call that person back, and that person, and text that guy back and my mom.
  • I wonder if my ex-boss who used to stalk me knows where I live now?
  • (Staring at my bedroom light) I should really replace that bulb.
  • (Stares at phone while it’s ringing) Uh, I don’t think so.
  • Man, I am super emotional right now. Where is this coming from? Full moon, retrograde, FUCK! I can’t tell if I want to punch something or cry or scream.
  • I really dislike people who post songs that they don’t know or appreciate the meaning of.
  • Oh they’re coming to town for a show. I should go see them.
  • I seriously can’t wait for it to get cool at night again.
  • I need a date to that stupid gala thing.
  • Why is my neighbors dog so mad right now?
  • I really shouldn’t have drank all that water during my 5 am workout. (Gets up to use the restroom).
  • OH MY GOD BRAIN SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
  • Okay, think about something happy and fall back asleep.
  • Oh fuck, really, car alarm… Wait is that mine? Nope nope it’s not.
  • Okay, this isn’t working.

At this point I sit up and start pinning erotic art on Pinterest but that’s making me depressed because I just kinda want someone to cuddle right now. So, I eventually get up having had 3/4 hours of sleep and start working after a huge cup of coffee.

So that was my morning. I’m usually never this detailed but I have no idea what was going on this morning. Then, later in the day I got a call from out of the blue from my Shaman friend. She and I haven’t spoken in a while and I knew she had something to tell me.

First, we caught up on each others lives and then she mentioned that she’d just seen my boss. Let me explain this. After his really bad breakup I’ve been teaching him crystals and meditation and as a last resort which I never thought he’d go to I gave him my friends number. Yes, she’s a seventh generation Shaman but she’s also a psychic. He was desperate for answers so he actually called her up and went to see her months ago.

Now, I did tell you all about a huge argument that he and I had not too long ago that we’ve never really made up from. So one of the things she said to me was that he was sitting in her office talking about how bad he feels about that fight and how he’d wished it’d never happened. My Shaman friend basically scolded him for his entire reaction during the fight and he was asking how he was supposed to make it better. I’m sure there’s some code that she might have broken telling me this but I know that he knows she and I are close so, maybe it was all manipulative. Who knows?

Then she asked how my ankle was. I keep saying, “How do you know this shit?” But, well, cause she’s a psychic. I have had my ankle taped for a few days now because I strained it. She has no way of knowing that because even my boss doesn’t know that. Then she went into some other things especially about how she knew that all the shit going on with energy is fucking me up right now and my romantic life and some friends that I haven’t seen for a while but will be seeing this weekend and next weekend. It’s crazy to hear her sometimes and hear the things she knows knowing that I don’t tell anyone anything. But maybe that’s why she and I met.

So now, it’s almost midnight and I’m afraid that I’m almost as tired as I was last night and am hoping that I get more sleep than before because as much as I love my new workout routine I am exhausted. Then THE friend asked if he could stay here for a couple nights while his home is being rented out of AirBnB. I said fine but am so exhausted I don’t really care one way or another.

I really am just rambling at this point but I do have some good news. I did more steps today on my Fitbit that I ever have which is pretty amazing. I have also lost some weight in my challenge for July and when I saw a friend the other night he said, “Wow, you look great but don’t get skinny okay?” Pretty sure I’ll never be skinny and that’s never my goal BUT I am doing this to get healthy and to look good in some really sexy outfits. I’m not gonna lie, that last piece is more of an incentive.

With all that said, whether or not it makes sense anymore I am officially going to try to wind down for the night and hopefully sleep. I’ll leave you with a song that I think is kinda sexy and tell me what you think is sexy… Nite xXx

My Naked Truth Right Now…

I say this a lot but my life has been weird lately. I’ve been in this carefree vibrating happy mood. I think some of it has to do with my July Challenge which is going awesomely. I’ve been sweating every day, not because it’s hotter than hell but because I’m working out like crazy. But I also just feel “lighter”, spiritually and emotionally. No clue what that’s from.

I’ve been going out a lot lately also. Sometimes with a purpose and sometimes it’s just to get out. I’ll go meet friends, clients or sometimes people I hardly know. I guess I’m really “putting myself out there” as some would say but not for any real reason. I go through phases though. I’ll stay at home for a month straight then I’ll go out every single night for a month. I have no rhyme or reason for any of it.

Even with all my going out lately I’ve still gotten a few “I miss you” messages from a few friends. I do accidentally neglect some while being a free spirit. My life is rarely in balance but I do find my life seems like it’s on track more when I have my routine. I am a free spirit and spontaneous a lot of the time but you’d be surprised to know, or not, that I do have A LOT of routines. This is the reason I hate not sleeping in my own bed, not being in my own home.

Since being on keto, which makes my life much easier, I wake up and first drink lemon water. Then after about an hour I make my coffee which in itself is a routine which seems therapeutic, and have a hard boiled egg, 5 raspberries and a piece of cheese. After that I don’t have much of a routine because I could be sitting at my desk at home for hours, out visiting clients or at my boss’s house tanning (I mean working) out by his pool. If I stay home at night then I’ll usually go workout, come home cook dinner, workout again then watch TV. By “watch TV” I mean have it on in the background as I’m doing something else like cleaning, laundry or writing. The next routine is my evening one, before bed. It’s ritualistic. It basically comes down to taking a bath or shower then an elaborate task to cleanse my face with way too many products than anyone should care to hear about. I will say this though, I have had many friends and boyfriends that sit there and watch this happen. No clue why. But whatever the reason it keeps my face looking like “beautiful young porcelain” which is what my boss says, not me.

It’s funny when I think about it though because there’s very few people that have seen my naked face before. A few of my female friends, my boss, THE friend. I tend to keep my makeup on like a mask. My GBF’s sister and I were discussing this the other night. She said something about me not needing to put makeup on for anyone because I’m beautiful anyway which is kind and also something you generically say to your female friends. I then explained to her that I don’t wear makeup for anyone else. I feel better, more sexy and much more confident with it on. I know this is a weird topic for my blog but it all ties in to something I promise.

That conversation with my GBF’s sister got us talking about being naked. I don’t just mean a naked face or a naked body but also a naked soul. I started thinking about the last time I ever let my soul be naked in front of another person. The moment something is usually emotional I tend to put up my wall of sarcasm and deflect it. So in my world it’s easy for me to get naked, than to show my soul to someone. I’m sure that’s not a surprise here. I think that I would have to find a seriously strong man, emotionally and spiritually that would make me even want to show him my soul.

Maybe that’s my problem that I’ve never seen someone else’s soul that’s complimented mine enough to make me show mine. I mean I show people kindness and gratitude but to truly be “one” with someone. I don’t know that’s ever happened to me. I can remember situations where I’ve seen a guys soul truly but I’ve never felt… Safe enough, I guess that’s what it is. I’ve never had a man make me feel safe enough to show all my nakedness. I think that I just typed that and had an AH-HA moment. That was weird.

Speaking of weird, she and I also went into some other things that are apparently perplexing about me to her. This led me to think about all the strange things that I do. Lets see if I can list some of these that I remember:

  • I have to watch movies a few times before I know what’s actually going on because I have no attention span what-so-ever.
  • Since I quit smoking and turned to vaping I actually hope that the FDA bans vape pens as well so that I’ll quit. I hate that I do it but it’s my last vice.
  • I used to keep a list of songs that would be on the “soundtrack of my life” but got depressed reading them so I deleted it. However, if any man ever really wanted to know me he’d probably figure me out best by the songs that would make it on to the soundtrack of my life.
  • Sometimes it scares me how fine I am being alone. Then I have days where it drives me crazy.
  • I judge restaurants by their ranch dressing.
  • I’m pretty sure that my crazy friends ex-Mister drives into my complex sometimes. I’ve seen his SUV. He has always creeped me out.
  • As sexual as I am I can happily take care of myself for months if I can’t find a guy that I can connect with on some level. Apparently that’s what’s going on with me right now.
  • I used to have numerous boxes of trinkets, concert tickets and letters from my past that I kept until the hurricane destroyed all but one. I recently went through that one and threw almost all of it away. I had poems that where so sad and emotional that I’d written 20 plus years ago. I read them as an outsider thinking how sad that girl was that wrote them and then realized that that sad girl was me. I remember all the things that made me that sad back then and gladly threw them away physically and symbolically.
  • I recently became friends with another musician that I met. He’d seen what type of work I’m in and asked if I could help him with his band. I told him I couldn’t even though I do that for the drummer and his band. Then I realized that being in my business for over 20 years I’ve never asked my contacts for any favors like I have for the drummer and felt like I’d be betraying him if I helped someone else. So I said no.
  • I compulsively spray my home with sage and take baths with sage because I’m afraid to pick up someone else’s energy on me. Especially if it’s negative which most people are.
  • I have a chalk board in my kitchen that my friends always write funny or kind words on and when they leave I always erase it and write “Love” on there because I think that’s what I need in my life more than anything else.
  • I fidget all the time but I recently realized that I fidget the worst when something emotional is happening. It’s almost an allergic reaction to emotions.
  • I have a vast aptitude for kindness which some men seem to take as “I’m really into them”. What they don’t understand is that my kindness is from the friend in me. If I was “falling for them” they’d probably never see me again. Yes, I know this is fucked up.
  • I have a guitar in the corner of my living room which I’ve never played. I wrote songs which I’d never sung.
  • Sometimes, when I drive and the sun is setting, I get a true smile on my face because I just think that it’s beautiful.
  • I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla, coffee and liquor on a man’s breath.
  • Every single psychic that I’ve ever seen has said I was going to have 3 kids. I always assumed that one would have been my dog and I’m getting too old to actually have the other two. Unless it doesn’t count my dog then I’m really too old to have 3 kids.
  • I met a man the other night who asked me if I was attracted to him. I told him I have no idea I haven’t met your soul yet. I think he looked at me like I was crazy.
  • I keep seeing the numbers 12:34 everywhere. It’s meaning is either I need to organize my life because it’s crazy or that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s very unclear.
  • I listen to the rain while going to sleep because I think it’s beautiful and now if there’s a rainstorm during the day I get sleepy. 🙂

There’s so much more weirdness about me but it’s now 1:13 in the morning and I’ve been waking up early lately and not being able to sleep so that’s all for now. I hope you had a great weekend.

What’s some weirdness in your life? xXx

Artistic naked women series - 2017

Points of Clarity That I Wish I Didn’t See…

This last week has been strange. While contemplating it last night, I was up till almost 5 am then awake again at 9 this morning. I was exhausted but looking forward to spending some more time with THE friend because Game of Thrones was back on tonight and it’s one of our many shows that we watch. However, things did not go as planned.

To say his moods are all over the place isn’t fair. Mine are as well and they’re usually dictated by his. I assumed (which you should never do) that after an text “argument” the other day that things would feel a little different tonight. I suppose more so that I wished they’d have been different. He still holds the reward for the person that I’ve been most honest with ever. Things may not get worked out the moment they happen but we usually discuss things after the fact. They might change for a moment or two but they usually go back to where they were. This used to be ok.

Over the last week while he was here, which I was happy about, I had some issues. Clean up after yourself. Don’t eat things that I ask you not to because they’re for my breakfast and a few other points. I admitted to him that he made me feel invisible and that it always feels as though he never really wants to be here. Those words hurt the worst to admit because I’ve never felt that before. I thought with his response of “that really bothers me that I make you feel that way” that things would change. Again, that’s what I get for assuming.

I have many friends that I see more often than him and that I speak to more often than him and yet we always find things to talk about. We put our phones away and just talk about anything. Tonight, however, there was a moment when there was 37 minutes of silence because he was buried in his phone. 37 minutes is a long time when all you want is for someone to prove to you that they actually want to be here. So, I went into my room to charge my phone and lied down for a moment. The next thing I know I’m waking up about an hour later to a dark house.

I don’t blame him for leaving but in a funny twist of fate I wonder if he realizes that that’s what it’s like to be around him. Here’s the other funny part. I live my life, with him, in two sections. The first being how I feel and how he makes me feel. The second is why he does the things he does and how he feels about things. I never want to upset him. I never WANT to argue with him and I NEVER want to make him feel like he makes me feel. Why? Because it fucking sucks.

On the way home the other night, when I knew he was still at my home, my mom decided that would be a great time to call me and tell me that my dad is going blind. My family has a strange way of breaking bad news. When I got home I thought that would have been a nice time to “let him in” and tell him and maybe have him help me inventory my feelings about that except he was passed out in what looked to be a depressed slumber so I decided not to ruin his night and decided to forgo what might have turned in to an emotion conversation.

That’s the thing. I think about his feelings. I try to step lightly on egg shells ALL THE TIME. Half my grocery list is things that he likes, or wanted, or mentioned in passing. I think about him way more often than I should and I suffer for it. He can’t see what he’s doing to me because he can’t see outside of his own self. He has no idea what goes through my head and this next part is the part that would hurt him beyond what I’m ever willing to do. He has no idea how hard it is to be his friend. The next part is the hardest for me to admit to myself and that’s I often wonder how the hell I’m still in love with him but I am. Through all the shitty conversations that we’ve actually had, through the shitty things he does and says and through all HIS tough times it is still the hardest decision in my life to leave him even though I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about this friendship. He takes me for granted all the time and sometimes, I think he manipulates my feelings to see what I’ll do. Or what’s worse than that is that I am more terrified to realize that he doesn’t think about me at all. That would be the worst case, I think.

For some reason, he knows the emotional me. No one else really knows that. I thought about this the other night. I’d gone out with some friends to our usual Friday night spot and was flirting with the very young waiter. I was being who I usually am around others. By the end of the night he’d slipped me his phone number and said we should hang out which is pretty much any young man’s code for lets get nasty. I thought about that tonight because THE friend and I don’t have that type of relationship. There’s so much crap mixed in everything. There’s emotions, favors and secrets. Not so much secrets between us but I think we hold a lot back from each other. Maybe we don’t. Short of some sort of miracle or intervention I can’t see this getting any better. As much as I talk about it on here I think I can already write our ending which might just be coming way too soon. I think I always knew our story never had a happy ending but I wished that there was so much more happy in the middle.

What I need from this “ship” is to know that he actually wants to spend time with me. That I make a positive difference in his life. I need to know that this isn’t a friendship of convenience for him or that this is his last resort. I need him to not make me feel like an invisible piece of shit and I need to know why I can’t “quit him”.

It’s a bit funny that I try to give all the worst parts of this relationship to my therapists and they’ve all had some sort of insight that goes way beyond what I’ll ever understand or believe. I explain to them all the shitty parts of this and how I feel so completely unappreciated yet they always have come back with some insight as to where his feelings might actually lie. So the therapists, the fortune tellers, the shamans and my own best friend all betray me with the impression that he does actually care and have feelings that he might not even know he’s got. I hear all that and want to act like a child by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE ARE NO FEELINGS! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOVE ME!”.

It boils down to this… You can say anything you want. It doesn’t matter. If your actions don’t backup those words then you’re just lying. Bottom line. You can’t say, “I love you and care about you” and then treat me, my home and my words like they don’t matter. Life doesn’t work like that. But instead of screaming, fighting and saying things that could hurt him, I just fall asleep in a dark cold room 20 feet away because sitting next to him in 37 minutes of silence, while he desperately seeks out the rest of the world and shows me that every one else is more important was the easier thing to do.

I would love to know why he feels the need to take the harshness this world has bestowed upon him out on me, the one who’s been here with everything that he needs, wants and could ever have for three plus years now. Where the fuck is my happy ending and if I don’t get one then what’s the point in all of this anyway? About a month after we starting spending time together, three plus years ago, he once told me that he felt I was an angel that came to him. I wish that his actions made me actually believe that because it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. That seems like such a long time ago now. The trouble with memories is that you can always remember a time that was better than it is right now.

I can’t believe I’m crying over him again. When will I use up my tears on this one boy? Why will my tears not dry up? I’m sick of crying over someone that’s never cried over me.

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Grounding myself, yet again…

I realized that when my 80 year old neighbor says, “Haven’t seen you in a while. I was beginning to think you’d moved.” It’s probably time to ground myself. There’s plenty to do around the home anyway. Laundry, dishes, cleaning… Nothing really and truly fun but necessary anyway. This might actually be the last free weekend I have until the new year anyway. So, I’ve decided to go ahead and ground myself. I’ll have time to actually sit and watch TV for the first real time in forever. It might be nice.

Most of my shopping, this year has been online. I’d decided that a while ago when I realized that everyone was moving way too slow for me and it was just annoying me. I find myself trying to find a zen zone a lot lately. Luckily, I’ve had some very generous clients this year from sports tickets, concert tickets to lots of extra cash. This allows me to really find some nice gifts for others this year. I’m not really one for treating myself to something extravagant although, I did purchase some very nice 1800 count sheets which I plan on passing out in this weekend. Aside from that I splurge on makeup but that’s about it. It’s not that I can’t be a snob, because I can be but I’d rather buy things that my friends or family wouldn’t usually buy.

For years now, I’ve sent out an email to close family and friends and asked them for their top five gifts that they want. I usually try to buy 3 or 4 items each. This tradition started because I realized that without lists, you just really start to see how much your family (especially) really doesn’t know about you at all. So instead I thought it would be a lot better to just say this is what I want or need now you tell me your list. It’s worked out much better but there’s still things that I’d put on my list that no one has gotten me or that I’ve never done.

I’ve always wanted to see a drive in movie, never have.
I want another puppy but I realize that it’s mean right now because I’m never home.
I want one weekend away, anywhere, where I don’t have to do a thing.
I’d like someone to help me finish my book.
I’d like free personal training FOREVER!
I’d like a family, a man and a child of my own… It’s weird to say that now because for so long I pushed this notion away probably because none of the boys I knew were the ones I wanted in my “ever after”.

Those are just a few but I’d settle for the practical things right now like, someone coming and hauling all my donations to Goodwill or my laundry or my dishes… See, I’m not hard to please 🙂

The last one on my “non-practical list”, this one my friend and I talked about at dinner the other night. He seems to think it’s totally appropriate to just go into some bar and get knocked up by some random. I have absolutely no desire to just get injected by someone that I don’t even know. A friend, I’d consider but not a no one. The only things he’s right about on this one is that it would be easy to do but that’s not my style. If I’m going to co-parent, I at least need to respect that person and care for that person. We don’t have to actually be “together” either. Aside from the fact that I’m easily annoyed, I also have people A.D.D. so I’d need space, a lot.

I’m not actually sure how serious he was about all that but it was an interesting conversation anyway and a strange one at that since he’s more like my brother than a friend. But I move on… This is probably the part in life when I’m supposed to just give up, and give in to whatever destiny or fate has to offer. I’ll see how that works.

I’m kinda looking forward to my grounding. 🙂 We’ll see how far that gets.

Hope you’re all having a great day.

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Happy Monday… zzzzzzzzzzzz.

So freakin tired this morning. Apparently, I’m back to having my insane dreams. My night started with a horrible nightmare then it was followed by a weird but kinda cool dream. This all was probably due to my crazy weekend. If I see another hospital ever, it’ll be too soon.

I have been going crazy over the last few weeks and just need a vacation, so desperately bad. Of course I’ve been saying that for a very long time. But, for those of you that have read my stuff for years you’ll understand it best when I say this… “I’ve had so little time for myself that I’ve barely listen to any music.” Even in the car, it’s usually these long exacerbated phone calls.

What I’d like to do is take a week vacation to somewhere exotic, then come back home and take a week of from my vacation… Is that too much to ask? And to top everything off, I’ve been doing so many fitness challenges that my butt is soar. Literally, I feel like I could crack a walnut. I’m sure that was a charming image. 🙂

In the interim of all this ‘drama filled time’ I’ve also been organizing a baby shower, a move and trying to write and work at home. I’m just so tired. Soon, I’ll be needing to start buying useless crap for Christmas, which if yesterday’s shopping was any indicator of what I’m in store for, everything I buy will be on the internet.

It’s not that I dislike all humans. I general like to be a social butterfly; however, I do dislike stupidity and that seemed vast yesterday. Everywhere I turned it was it was just rude, stupidity which is double exhausting.

I know it appears that I’m not in a good mood today but I am, for the most part. Mostly, because I think I’ve finally gotten a lot better at meditation. It’s still pretty hard to me to stay completely clear minded through the process but at least it’s easier to blow those unwanted thoughts out of my mind during it. Maybe that’s why my dreams are so screwed up… hmmm.

So what’s on the agenda for this week? Sleep, sleep, coffee, coffee and sleep… Well, we all know that things will not work out like that for me at all. In fact, the only thing that is certain will most likely be the coffee and more of a soar butt 🙂 Those, I can accept. I am fully ok with those.

As I’ve been attempting to write here for a while now, my phone has not stopped going off. This shall be one of those days that I get home and turn that sucker off. I need my quiet time. Someone ground me!

Hopefully, I’ll be fully awake by the time 5 o’clock hits… That’s usually how my Monday’s work. Hell, that’s how everyday works for me. I need a fruity cocktail, a foot massage and a good movie right now. Who knows when I’ll get any of those 😦

So, yeah, my usual Monday is currently going on so I shall drink my coffee and expect the worst and hope for the best.

Hope you all had a great weekend and just go you know, the entire time I’ve been writing this, I’ve been doing butt exercises 🙂

Twin Peaks Coffee

Emotional breakdown with a side of reality…

I had finally reached my breaking point yesterday. I just physically broke down. So, in an attempt to be a true friend, my GBF came over today with tissues in hand. I literally look as though someone has punch both my eyes. They are both swollen and red and I’ll need to come up with a great excuse as to why they look so bad for work tomorrow. But the GBF succeeded in pulling out all the information from the last couple of months. I think he was more shocked at the information rather than the intended resolution I’d come up with yesterday. He also had a completely different outcome in mind.

You see, my GBF has always been a huge advocate of “my friends” saying that he really does care and a lot of other BS that I always rolled my eyes at. So, even with the knowledge of my ex, my GBF is still on his side 100%. But these are the facts, as I see them. Has my friend lied to me? Yes, does it matter that I think that it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt me? Maybe. That’s such a huge thing to me, the lying. But aside from that I sat and thought about writing a “Dear John” letter today but knowing that he wouldn’t read it if I did. One thing you have to understand is that I’ve never had a friendship like this before. I’ve never questioned why a friend or a boyfriend has been by my side but his situation is so different.

Just to get it out of my system I’ll let you read the letter…

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend to just be your friend. My feelings for you won’t go away so I need to not have you in my life because it hurts too much. I turned down a marriage proposal not that long ago because I knew I’d never feel about him the way that I feel about you.

You emotionally effect me more than anyone I’ve ever known and I think that you manipulate me because of my feelings. I think that you use me when no one else is around to keep your attention, and I think that you don’t care because you think I’ll always be around, as a last resort to your boredom. I deserve a better friend. I never expected you to love me back but I did expect respect, compassion and someone that I could count on. You said that “X” needs you more right now and that’s why you spend time with him and because I don’t need you at all. I did need you but you never wanted me to actually need you, that was too much responsibility for you.

I can’t get passed the disregard of monetary payback. It’s as if you’ve forgotten about the 520.00 for the application fees that you’ve never attempted to pay back. In this entire time we’ve been friends I’ve spent thousands on you and yes, you didn’t ask for a lot of it but things like the app fees and the tow haven’t even crossed your mind and then you choose to tell me of things you’ve bought your friends, outings, gifts and a new bike, all that became more important than paying back a favor or several. You told me of these gifts and outings without any regard to my feelings, as if you did it with malice.

You DO treat others better than me. You’re kinder, show more concern and you have this charming side with them that I’ve never seen from you. You take your anger out around me, you disregard my feelings and you drop me at a moments notice when someone else comes along. You acknowledge their existence in your life freely but I’m some sort of secret.

I prayed every night that nothing came about with your work stuff and I was fully prepared to help you out no matter what the cost until I realized that I can’t do this to myself anymore because you are not and have never been my responsibility. I have always treated you as someone in my life that you’ve never been. I treated you like a boyfriend when I was getting treated like a piece of trash in return. I deserve better from you.

This pains me to type this because I do love you so much and I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you accidentally have broken my heart over and over again and you’ll keep doing it because I let you. You have more than enough people, especially women, in your life that this won’t effect you at all. It might even take you a long time to notice that I’m gone. I will never be replaceable and one day I need you to acknowledge that I wasn’t. I need to be around friends that I’ve never questioned their love. I never knew that there was a point where you could love someone too much. Maybe I was loving you for the both of us.

If you choose to reply please do not do so in anger. This is not an angry message. it’s a painful one and anger does not help. This doesn’t take away the appreciation I have for the things that you have done, but I have just become aware of what you could have done, how you could have treated me and that others who’ve given you less have gotten more from you.”

And there you have it folks the most honest truth that I can give right now. It’s never been his fault that I could see a future with us, kids, a good life. I would never tell him that because he’s just too jaded to hear that. I’ve loved beyond words and have been hurt beyond comprehension. Short of a miracle this is actually it for us. I can’t keep putting myself in the position to have my heart broken over and over again.

I hope to feel better soon. Good Night.