Yet again, it’s all about the connection…

I think that even before I wrote that blog, last night/this morning, I’d already decided that I was done with the band. Before the band drama I was focused on myself and making myself and my life better. That went a bit to the side since meeting them. I need that piece and peace back. I’ll admit that before them and becoming so close to my friends wife my world was a lot more quiet and a bit more lonely but I felt free. Free from emotions and free from the rest of the world. That was a nice feeling.

Things have all changed since this time last year or pre-hurricane cleansing, as I call it. I was in, what seemed like, a masochistic relationship which is gone now. I was having issues at work and even wanting to just get out of bed in the morning was tough, which is gone now. I wasn’t feeling connected to my own life, that’s still a bit there but it’s better than it was. But that’s where my whole life turns… When I’m connected.

My personal life is still just crazy and after a phone call I just got it’s even crazier. Like I said yesterday, for some reason, married men are finding me to flirt with. This is a weird time for me. This has happened before and I brushed it off but now I look better and feel better physically than I have in a long time. Apparently that type of attitude is what they’re looking for. But I’m not this person that they think I am. I am done.

This really does go back to the “connection” part of life. I, so rarely, feel that with people. I get along with everyone but it’s few that peak my interest. When I feel that type of connection whether it be emotionally or sexually it’s as if I never want to let it go. But tonight all I can think about is one of my favorite movies… If you’ve been here before then you know what I’m going to quote, “There’s girls you fuck and there’s girls you marry and never the two shall meet”. I have never felt like more of the first one than I do right now.

I am not innocent, by any means, I am NOT rationalizing my behavior either. I know that I have crossed a line with ONE of them. But the other two LIED to me and have been lying to their wives this entire time. I simply can not say this enough that I am done. Fucking done with men being selfish and not realizing who their hurting. Yes, I might have been the girl you marry for several way back when but it’s not like that now and I can’t stop being angry at myself for not saying Yes to one of those guys years ago.

There is nothing worse in my world than the realization that I am partially to blame for someone else being upset, angry or any other negative emotion. That’s NOT who I am. All I want to do is make people feel better and their lives happier. I’m so sickened right now. I’m so angry at myself. You all here know that I’ve never been more honest than I am here and to write all this down makes me sick. This is just fucked up. I need to be the person I was not that long ago now. I’m done being the person I am right now and I write that in tears.

I have already delete all the things that remind me of the last few months and can only wish that new and better memories will be made soon. I’m sorry for not being the person that I should be right now and for causing any pain to ANYONE. I can only hope that tomorrow I can start to pay forward kindness instead of what I’ve been doing.


Contradictory Life…

My life is a contradiction of itself. I can’t even explain it but I know that when I write about the good things, they stop happening. Today has been a rough day for several reasons. Mostly, they’re all contradictory.

I’m laughing and sad.

I’m leather and lace.

I’m velvet and blades.

I’m baby’s breath and bondage.

I’m a virgin and a whore.

I’m a rocker and classical.

I’m a blonde and a brunette.

I’m an honest lier.

I’m a tarnished shine.

I’m a dull star.

I’m a lonely socialite.

I’m a lazy overachiever.

I’m a mystery. I’m a desire. I’m exactly what I wanted that I knew I’d never be.

And none of it is good enough.

Yes, today I want to run away all over again.

For some reason this song is my only saving grace tonight. Please listen to it in case it’s yours.


Taking the path of most resistance…

It seems as though America has taken the path of most resistance. I am in shock and woke up sick to my stomach. I think the worst part for me is that we’ve just taught all the little boys in the country that if you are a vile, disgusting and misogynistic asshole you can do anything in this world, even rule it.

I did my research and as much as there were things that I didn’t like about both candidates there’s were far less with Hillary. At least she was progressive, something that most republicans can’t say. I’m sickened by the way that republicans are acting today as if they were jolted even higher on their pedestal. And I quickly realized, on my facebook feed, who those that voted for him were. These were mostly men, aged 40 and above who either are or aim to be in the top 1 percenters. Some that I have regretfully dated and some that have just salted my world over a lifetime.

This was a hard election for me though because it brings up situations that have come up in my past. It became the political erection of 2016 that even surpassed the Cosby scandal. Yes this was a historic election but not for the right reasons. We didn’t do anything new. This country voted for the old white guy that bullied his way into the highest position that he could.

Before you ask, “Did you vote” yes I did. I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if I complained about the outcome and didn’t. People can look at me and say, “What do you care? You’re a white woman”. Well first, I am an immigrant. I was not born here but have been raised as an American. I thought this country was more progressive. I guess I was wrong. Second, I’m a woman which apparently doesn’t get you far unless you want things grab with no repercussions.

So what to do now? Well, we can either continue complaining about what has happened which in my opinion is the big industries won themselves and their buddy’s a grand campaign or we can take a day to heal then make the most of it. I hope this does work out for the best of the entire country because all I do know right now is that every other country has just watch us elect a complete an total bully with no soul as president.

I literally did wake up with the worst feeling of doom this morning in the pit of my stomach which is why I went right back to sleep and spent most of the day there. I also realized that the new guy was one of the American’s that elected his. That’s strike two. I guess it’s good he’s still in California and staying there for another week. The problem isn’t that he’s a republican it’s that he voted for THAT guy.

I could have used a warm body to lie right next to today and it wasn’t the new guy.

Father’s and men in general my plea to you is this tonight: Please teach your son’s that it’s NOT ok to treat women like property. It is NOT ok to grab, poke or prod any woman without consent. It’s not ok to cheat, lie or act as though you are better than anyone. It is possible to be the nice guy and finish first. I promise.

Lets see just how great America can get now. Oh and by the way 1 percenters…. No complaining allowed if things don’t go the way you planned.


The weekend so far and some insight… I guess.

Weekend has been good so far, pleasant. For some reason I hate that word “pleasant” but it feels appropriate. I’ve had some great conversations, some great friends and a few drinks. The last place I went tonight I had my weird experience of the evening when a drunk girl who sloshed her drink on my pants said, “You look like a girl who’d steal my boyfriend. Fuck you!”. I don’t even know what that means but then her boyfriend paid for a round of drinks for us so maybe…

But after a full weekend so far, I decided to take one of my cathartic drives that I’ve not taken in a while. I put my Spotify playlist on my favorite songs of the “right now” and sang like I didn’t know I was horrible, cranked the sound up to 35 (must be divisible by 5) and relished in the slight cool breeze that was flowing through the car. While these songs were playing I heard one that was a basic an anthem to how my life is feeling right now. And of course, here ya go…

But for part of the drive I was also thinking about this article I’d read earlier about a mother of three who had three jobs. She was at a Dollar General store and has just cashed her paycheck. She’s accidentally left the envelope on the counter after she paid and left the store. She went back later to see if it was still there and watched the surveillance video of the woman directly behind her putting the envelope in her purse. The story turned out warm and fuzzy when she threatened the woman on a Facebook post that went viral and some hours later the envelope had turned up in her mailbox but I was that moment. The moment you decide in your head to do something or not. To say something or not. That’s a pivotal moment.

Do you realize that in one moment your life could taken an entirely new direction based on the tiniest little decision that you make? If that woman behind her had just given her the envelope right then things would have been no different except maybe the woman who left it might have said an extra prayer for her kindness. Or maybe the woman decides to not give it back, gets arrested and goes to jail, loses her job and some other bad things occur just because of that one moment.

This is the reason that I believe in fate so much. I don’t always agree with it but it’s one tiny decision. What if I’d not gone to that party. Would I have ever met the new guy? What if I didn’t choose to leave a job because they drug tested and that wouldn’t have gotten me where I am today. What if I hadn’t said things that I’ve said in the past? What if I didn’t think there was a purpose for every encounter, every relationship, every word spoken or not spoken.

Bottom line is that I do believe those things. I believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be whether it be a place I like or not. For the first time, lately, in a very long time I’ve mentioned the word “regret” and it was only about one person and the truth is I still don’t like where we are at all. This place sucks. It feels like purgatory between heaven or hell. That might be a bit dramatic but that’s the truth of how it feels. However, it’s decision that I made that put me here right now. In this place. There’s a strength in knowing that. Just like there’s strength in knowing that if this is it, if this is our finally then his secrets are safe, his wrong doings are safe and if it ends in the right way then there will still be love. I will still refuse to say an unkind word about him to our friends and will always defend his choices. I’ll always be supportive if needed and I’ll know at the end of the day that I was everything that I could have been because he’s never said otherwise.

I don’t actually want things to end but I can not stay in purgatory any longer when I don’t have to. I’d sworn that I’d always be here if he needed but he doesn’t need or want anything from me and can’t even put words together on in a response so we’re back to, I’ve done what I can. There’s a whole world of people out there that appreciate just the importance of being me.

This would be that pivotal point where, if it truly mattered, I’d know it. Without a doubt. But since nothing has every gone as planned or as needed in this relationship I can focus on the relationships that do. I’ve learned that relationships are like plants or even pets. You can’t just feed them or water them when you want attention or because you just remembered they were there. You have to constantly take care of them. Maybe I’ll ask one of the relationships that he does care about one day, what she did right. Actually, I don’t care because it’s not about any body but the two of us and right now there’s not even two of us in this relationship.

Did I mention that I am a bit tipsy? Obviously I don’t want to keep talking about this but it’s my only vent. It worries me that I can’t not focus on this when there’s a potential new relationship that I could be focused on and I am, kind of. The problem is that the new guy doesn’t feel like home as much as THE friend used to. When it comes to men in my life I’ve, I guess, always had a grand checklist to make up for an empty feeling somewhere. With THE friend I never had that. I guess some would ignorantly call it basic but all I wanted from him was what I know he has the capacity to give. He then chose to give that small amount and much bigger amounts to others. That shows true colors right there. But I never believe them. I wonder if he actually will ever have the capacity to look back and wished he’d done things differently. Guess I’ll never know.

These were all the things that I thought about on my cathartic drive tonight. While listening to some great music and trying to figure MY shit out before I can no longer check the “single” box.






Friendship and Money is like Oil and Water… (Quote by Mario Puzo)

Since my little minor surgery my world has been off balance. I’ve not been going out as much, not eating as much and not spending as much. I’m choosing to think of some of those things as good things. But the truth of it is I’ve not been going out as much because almost everyone wants to “go have dinner” which is where the whole not eating as much comes in. I can’t really do that yet which sucks because unless I puree a grilled chicken breast and some spinach my options are a bit limited. I’ve not been spending as much because I just spent a crap load of money on this surgery crap.

Typically, even though I want to go shoe shopping with most of my extra bonus money, I’m usually a smart cookie and invest in somewhere instead after a tiny bit of splurging. But no one really likes to talk about money, as best said by a comedian I watched last night. It’s not a fun topic and technically, unless you’re talking to “your other half” it’s really none of anyone’s business.

There is a class system that revolves around money. Money makes people crazy. It’s drives people to steal, kill or just feel generally miserable. Typically three weeks out of the month I’m fine with money but rent week especially after dropping a crap load of money on something just feels painful. Truth is, I’d be fine if I didn’t have a credit card addiction. This is something that my BFF and I learned together right when we turned 18. The sad part is that neither of us learned very well at all.

We both make a very decent living and would feel very comfortable if it wasn’t for those crafty little plastic pieces of shit. So, I’m in the process of shredding all of them, of putting myself on a budget and making sure that I’m very comfortable well before my retiring age. However, I do fault the credit card conglomerates and the marketers. While, yes, they’re good at their jobs they are not nice to consumers. As proved every time THE friend and I watch TV. After all the commercials are said and done he’s added to the grocery list almost the entire repertoire of food laced propaganda.

If you’re strong willed, have absolutely no addictive tendencies then great but I’m not that way, as explained in previous posts about my adolescence I have an addictive personality. There have been many scientific studies that show that spending money, even on the stupidest things, creates the same hormone as “falling in love”. So, instead of having love, I have shoes. That’s not a new realization that just hit me. I’m well aware and have been for some time now.

But here’s the uglier side of money. Some people don’t understand what it exactly is. I mean, there’s no correlation to what things cost. For instance, THE friend and I where driving around one night and we’d decided to go have a nice meal at a nice restaurant. That one night for about two hours cost me $330.00 and either he didn’t care that it did or didn’t realize that it did but he never really gave a crap about the meal, the company or the experience. I can, at least, take away that the company was worth if, even if he didn’t.

But that’s always been an issue between the two of us. The monetary class system of money, which we’re not allowed to talk about. I’ve said it here and to him till I’ve become blue in the face about how things are not equal and have never been. We don’t discuss money but I think we silently know where each other are with things. But yesterday he wanted to go to a movie and I didn’t have the cash to spend. It was literally painful for me to admit that I didn’t have it for a couple reasons. First, being that I’ve always felt like we’re in a relationship that relies on one of us having money and the other not. Once that goes away then his interest moves somewhere else. Two, because it just sucks to say. To my shock, he purchased the tickets and food. And now I’m awkwardly grateful.

Why did this move me to awkwardly grateful? Because, if you haven’t noticed before, our relationship is anything but normal and while he’s the only person I have this type of relationship with, I assume he’s got this with many. Also, I’ve learned that most niceties do NOT come without disclaimers or requests that come up later. This was the case. Whether that was his intent or not it still happened which makes me just question the nice things he does. That’s a sad place to be in and I don’t want to be in it however history constantly repeats itself with us.

I know that he tries his hardest to be a little bit different version of himself sometimes. A bit cleaner, a bit sweeter, a bit…. something else. And then his real self explodes and it’s someone that I fully accept but because he tries to be someone else for a moment it’s as if he’s stuck between who he thinks I want him to be and who he actually is. There’s times that I think he wants to say something to me but he doesn’t. There’s times that I think he wants to do something but he doesn’t. Sometimes he’s afraid of letting his entire self, vulnerability and all shine through because he thinks that I’ll just say, “Oh God, I’m so over you.”

The funny part there is that I have no problem with the real him when he chooses to show me. I have no problem with his situation. The only reason that I truly need to distance myself is because it breaks my heart all the time that I can see who he is truly and completely and that’s enough for me. It always has been but what I have, what I offer and who I am has never been enough for him.

I’m not sure why but writing that last line as many times as I have and every single time it makes me cry like stupid, crazy tears. And each time he does something less than stellar, like leaving the milk out on my counter, in summer it makes it ok that he doesn’t care and it solidifies it. But then he treats me to something as small as a movie, because it’s not small to him. Or he brings flowers for no reason at all which are dead now but I refuse to throw them away. Or takes my shit to goodwill for me… I realize that these are sometimes all the kindness that he can muster and those are big things, they’re huge. And some days I actually don’t care that he’s actually reviling the 13 year old sitting next to me with Facebook screen time and some days it’s the worst thing in the world.

I wish this was all easy some days but I think if it was easy we might not be friends. This is the most that I’ve ever tried with any relationship through understanding, compromise and learning. But why? What’s the attraction anymore? What’s the reason? It’s literally like I’m pushing away guys who are completely interested and have arms, hearts and minds wide open to me so that I can keep the company of someone who responds to me when he wants something, ignores me when I say I can’t and can’t literally listen to an entire story I want to share without checking his phone for a “way out of listening to me”. Am I truly that masochistic? I don’t know one person in my life that has this much tolerance and I’ve never had it with anyone else. WTF?

Here’s what I know though. I know that I need to start the next phase of my life and I know that I need to only do things that make me happy and feel appreciated and like I matter. I need to have relationships that are never questioned and that are truthful and real. I don’t need relationships that come with disclaimers, or that are just so someone else can get something from me. I need people around me that are 100% honest and that are kind and loving. While I feel blessed to have him in my life, it’s a bit pointless if having that relationship only makes me question myself, feel insecure and feel betrayed by my own karma and heart. The only thing that I’ve ever wanted truly from him is to know that I matter. Not in secret, but in the real world. That who I am matters to him and that he’s not just buying time until he needs the next thing. He has never shown me that up till this point. I know why I’m here for him but what’s the other side of that? Where’s my benefit, growth and love? It is no longer my responsibility to be all of that to someone who shows only what he thinks he needs to to get what he thinks he deserves.

This has never been about money for me. Our “thing” that we have. I know, at the end of the day that if we were just two people on an island I’d be ok with that, with nothing else. I’m not looking for the same acknowledgement but I am looking for a truthful validation of some thing that dissipate with each request of something. I don’t know why but I have managed to make myself sad and cry over all of this and that’s not ok. I’m going to go do something with someone that I don’t question their loyalty.

I hope that you are all having a blessed day and that you are all being treated with unconditional love. That will be my prayer tonight.




Taking my mind off things…

For days now I’ve been attempting to take my mind off what’s going on outside my bubble. My tiny little home bubble. Dates didn’t work, working out only worked while I was doing it, movies barely. So the last couple days I’ve been diving into cleaning and organizing and fixing shit.

This little endeavor which actually seemed a lot less a few days ago probably started from me pinning something on some site that made me think “Oh, that should be fun”. That actually led me to dump all my clothes out on the floor and start going through all of them again to donate. Then, because I have OCD and ADD and I’m sure a bunch of other acronymed crap, makes me move on to a thousand different things at once.

But anyway, the point is I’m actively looking for something to de-stress, de-clutter and blur my mind for a moment or two. One other thing that I started to do is to make Christmas lists for people I’m buying for. I know this seems a bit too early but I’ve a giver… I like to give good gifts. One of my ideas this year is to bundle so stuff from the year they were born like movie, record, candy, magazine and book. Sounds almost cool right? Well it was until I got to my niece. I searched for the most popular book from 2012 and came up with (drum roll please) Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m not giving my niece that book. It’s bad enough that I’ll have to admit to her one day that I actually read that diatribe of crap.

But it’s still a fun process of looking for the best thing to give each person. I’ve said this before but in my family, that’s how we either show we care OR we show the other person just how much we don’t know about them by buying them the most horrible stuff. Moving on though…

So even at work I was tired of getting all these news stories that were depressing and Taylor Swift’s life is not anywhere near breaking news to me so I came home at lunch, changed into my workout clothes and went back to work to move a bunch of heavy shit around that wasn’t even my job but I was tired of seeing chaos all around me. It’s typically human nature to try to fix things that are broken or chaotic around you, or at least it is with me. I just want to fix shit, people, things… What ever is around.

I’m also trying to take my mind of a mini-little surgery I’m having on Friday. I have a shard of bone, from a previous injury (long sad story) that is stabbing my nerve in my mouth… All that sounds awesome right? So I’m going in Friday afternoon to have this done. Now, a normal person would probably ask someone for help. They’d probably say, “Hey I need you to pick me up and take me home and just randomly check to make sure I haven’t swallowed my tongue or something but who ever said I was normal? Why is it so freaking hard for me to ask for help?

The only people that know I’m doing this is my BFF because she’s my beneficiary in case anything happens and my boss because he’d wonder where I was if he ever showed up. Sometimes I wish I could just be more girly, not that that is a girly thing but that is the main reason why I need a man that will force me to take care of myself or he will for me. I need someone who will always look out for my best interests because apparently I have a hard time doing that for myself. I have no problem doing that in return but it’s the whole, “asking for help” thing.

Blah, broken record anyway. By the time the “one” I’m supposed to be with shows up I’ll be too tired for him anyway. I’d probably say “Seriously, it’s taken you this long to find me? Lets just have sex and then you can go”. Come on now, I still know what’s most important 🙂

So apparently all I have on my mind is cleaning, organizing and sex now. But instead of cleaning up my bedroom, that I’ve trashed, for some fun, I’ll be cleaning it up so I don’t trip on anything in my post-surgery coma I plan to be in. But you know me, my weekends never go as planned. We shall see. I really just want something completely unexpectedly awesome to happen because now I feel like I’m just cheating all of you with boring thoughts lately… I wish I had fireworks.

That’s all folks…


June Challenge Day 5

Today has been a busy day of dealing with assholes and liars. Something tells me that I’m not done yet. The thing that amazes me the most is that these people don’t assume that they’ll get caught OR they just don’t care. I think lying is probably the most unattractive quality a person can have. I won’t put up with that. Anyone who lies to me… just assume that I already know the truth or that I will find it out. It’s just happens that way. I am kind until I’m not, then look out. Yes, people have pissed me off today but it’s their loss, not mine. Maybe I should tell them all this is the “love myself challenge” month and that is NOT ok.

I still made my challenge the important thing today so here they are.

1. Exercise – Yes 56 minutes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write 3 positive words that you believe your closest friends would use to describe me?

Is it always this hard to think of the good stuff?

Beautiful – This doesn’t pertain strictly to the outside but my BFF says this to me all the time.

Strong – My GBF tells me this all the time.

Crazy smart – My boss says this all the time.

I wish I could remember something that THE friend says but truth is he’s less forthcoming with the compliments as he is with the other stuff. He was a lot nicer in the beginning of all of this. He was able to either find things to say or find things to make up. But I’ve learned to not pay much attention of the words anymore. Not that I don’t want to hear nice things but I won’t hold my breath for them. I will choose to see the actions for a while now.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What sound are you grateful for today? Sounds… Music, thunder, rain, making someone laugh, hearing my niece on he other end of the phone, hearing THE friend get up in the middle of the night because it means he’s still here. These are the sounds that I am grateful for today.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Do you collect anything? Yes I do. I collect vinyl, makeup, shot glasses, shoes, concert tshirts, little trinkets that remind me of a moment, greeting cards, crosses and apparently shoes.