Since my little minor surgery my world has been off balance. I’ve not been going out as much, not eating as much and not spending as much. I’m choosing to think of some of those things as good things. But the truth of it is I’ve not been going out as much because almost everyone wants to “go have dinner” which is where the whole not eating as much comes in. I can’t really do that yet which sucks because unless I puree a grilled chicken breast and some spinach my options are a bit limited. I’ve not been spending as much because I just spent a crap load of money on this surgery crap.
Typically, even though I want to go shoe shopping with most of my extra bonus money, I’m usually a smart cookie and invest in somewhere instead after a tiny bit of splurging. But no one really likes to talk about money, as best said by a comedian I watched last night. It’s not a fun topic and technically, unless you’re talking to “your other half” it’s really none of anyone’s business.
There is a class system that revolves around money. Money makes people crazy. It’s drives people to steal, kill or just feel generally miserable. Typically three weeks out of the month I’m fine with money but rent week especially after dropping a crap load of money on something just feels painful. Truth is, I’d be fine if I didn’t have a credit card addiction. This is something that my BFF and I learned together right when we turned 18. The sad part is that neither of us learned very well at all.
We both make a very decent living and would feel very comfortable if it wasn’t for those crafty little plastic pieces of shit. So, I’m in the process of shredding all of them, of putting myself on a budget and making sure that I’m very comfortable well before my retiring age. However, I do fault the credit card conglomerates and the marketers. While, yes, they’re good at their jobs they are not nice to consumers. As proved every time THE friend and I watch TV. After all the commercials are said and done he’s added to the grocery list almost the entire repertoire of food laced propaganda.
If you’re strong willed, have absolutely no addictive tendencies then great but I’m not that way, as explained in previous posts about my adolescence I have an addictive personality. There have been many scientific studies that show that spending money, even on the stupidest things, creates the same hormone as “falling in love”. So, instead of having love, I have shoes. That’s not a new realization that just hit me. I’m well aware and have been for some time now.
But here’s the uglier side of money. Some people don’t understand what it exactly is. I mean, there’s no correlation to what things cost. For instance, THE friend and I where driving around one night and we’d decided to go have a nice meal at a nice restaurant. That one night for about two hours cost me $330.00 and either he didn’t care that it did or didn’t realize that it did but he never really gave a crap about the meal, the company or the experience. I can, at least, take away that the company was worth if, even if he didn’t.
But that’s always been an issue between the two of us. The monetary class system of money, which we’re not allowed to talk about. I’ve said it here and to him till I’ve become blue in the face about how things are not equal and have never been. We don’t discuss money but I think we silently know where each other are with things. But yesterday he wanted to go to a movie and I didn’t have the cash to spend. It was literally painful for me to admit that I didn’t have it for a couple reasons. First, being that I’ve always felt like we’re in a relationship that relies on one of us having money and the other not. Once that goes away then his interest moves somewhere else. Two, because it just sucks to say. To my shock, he purchased the tickets and food. And now I’m awkwardly grateful.
Why did this move me to awkwardly grateful? Because, if you haven’t noticed before, our relationship is anything but normal and while he’s the only person I have this type of relationship with, I assume he’s got this with many. Also, I’ve learned that most niceties do NOT come without disclaimers or requests that come up later. This was the case. Whether that was his intent or not it still happened which makes me just question the nice things he does. That’s a sad place to be in and I don’t want to be in it however history constantly repeats itself with us.
I know that he tries his hardest to be a little bit different version of himself sometimes. A bit cleaner, a bit sweeter, a bit…. something else. And then his real self explodes and it’s someone that I fully accept but because he tries to be someone else for a moment it’s as if he’s stuck between who he thinks I want him to be and who he actually is. There’s times that I think he wants to say something to me but he doesn’t. There’s times that I think he wants to do something but he doesn’t. Sometimes he’s afraid of letting his entire self, vulnerability and all shine through because he thinks that I’ll just say, “Oh God, I’m so over you.”
The funny part there is that I have no problem with the real him when he chooses to show me. I have no problem with his situation. The only reason that I truly need to distance myself is because it breaks my heart all the time that I can see who he is truly and completely and that’s enough for me. It always has been but what I have, what I offer and who I am has never been enough for him.
I’m not sure why but writing that last line as many times as I have and every single time it makes me cry like stupid, crazy tears. And each time he does something less than stellar, like leaving the milk out on my counter, in summer it makes it ok that he doesn’t care and it solidifies it. But then he treats me to something as small as a movie, because it’s not small to him. Or he brings flowers for no reason at all which are dead now but I refuse to throw them away. Or takes my shit to goodwill for me… I realize that these are sometimes all the kindness that he can muster and those are big things, they’re huge. And some days I actually don’t care that he’s actually reviling the 13 year old sitting next to me with Facebook screen time and some days it’s the worst thing in the world.
I wish this was all easy some days but I think if it was easy we might not be friends. This is the most that I’ve ever tried with any relationship through understanding, compromise and learning. But why? What’s the attraction anymore? What’s the reason? It’s literally like I’m pushing away guys who are completely interested and have arms, hearts and minds wide open to me so that I can keep the company of someone who responds to me when he wants something, ignores me when I say I can’t and can’t literally listen to an entire story I want to share without checking his phone for a “way out of listening to me”. Am I truly that masochistic? I don’t know one person in my life that has this much tolerance and I’ve never had it with anyone else. WTF?
Here’s what I know though. I know that I need to start the next phase of my life and I know that I need to only do things that make me happy and feel appreciated and like I matter. I need to have relationships that are never questioned and that are truthful and real. I don’t need relationships that come with disclaimers, or that are just so someone else can get something from me. I need people around me that are 100% honest and that are kind and loving. While I feel blessed to have him in my life, it’s a bit pointless if having that relationship only makes me question myself, feel insecure and feel betrayed by my own karma and heart. The only thing that I’ve ever wanted truly from him is to know that I matter. Not in secret, but in the real world. That who I am matters to him and that he’s not just buying time until he needs the next thing. He has never shown me that up till this point. I know why I’m here for him but what’s the other side of that? Where’s my benefit, growth and love? It is no longer my responsibility to be all of that to someone who shows only what he thinks he needs to to get what he thinks he deserves.
This has never been about money for me. Our “thing” that we have. I know, at the end of the day that if we were just two people on an island I’d be ok with that, with nothing else. I’m not looking for the same acknowledgement but I am looking for a truthful validation of some thing that dissipate with each request of something. I don’t know why but I have managed to make myself sad and cry over all of this and that’s not ok. I’m going to go do something with someone that I don’t question their loyalty.
I hope that you are all having a blessed day and that you are all being treated with unconditional love. That will be my prayer tonight.