Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 13 (Saturday) And a Thank You for seven years as a blogger.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My one good thing is that most of the day I spent pantless.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – No rest day.
4. Eat healthy – Not really but I kind of miss not eating healthy now when I don’t.
5. Follow a routine – no. It’s still the weekend.

Today has been a weird day. One that was supposed to be spend relaxing and waxing and coloring and such but it became a bit more than that. It became a day of conversations and remembering. I guess it needed to happen a bit.

This all started on Friday. We were chatting at work about different things and of course relationships made the course schedule. My ex was talking about how there was a lot of being my boyfriend that he really liked. Again, this type of thing is weird to hear years and years later but in his list were things like; I wasn’t needy. I didn’t blow his phone up. I didn’t try to change him. I let him pick what he wanted to do (most of the time). He knew when I was being nice or kind that it was genuine. I’d let him pick which ever side of the bed he wanted. I never complained when he left the seat up. I didn’t “bitch and moan” and if I did have a complaint it was probably valid.

These are all great things to hear. I was an awesome girlfriend. We had a great three years together and are better friends now than we ever were anything else. But with all the good things did come some complaints about me as well because you can’t have any of the good without the bad too. These came in the same sort of list; I was never jealous. (I actually probably was a bit I just realized that those were my own insecurities and tried to not bleed them out on him.) I didn’t communicate as much as he wanted. (Seriously a guy WANTS to you talk more. That’s a change.) I seemed to check out a lot. (I still do.) I never wanted him to meet my family, although he did through some weird universal incidents. I never said the “L” word to him. That’s true.

I’m not sure this list did anything but reminded me of what to do that’s different the next time around. I mean, aren’t relationships usually the better opportunities than the ones before? Or shouldn’t they be? I did love him but those words haven’t passed my lips but to one man and they were sort of screamed at the time. Yep, THE friend is the only one that I’ve said, well, I said “I’m IN love with you”. I’ve never verbally said “I love you”. At this place that we’re in right now I’m not sure it matters much to him if I do or not.

But some of that conversation spilled into my day today. I haven’t talked with my BFF in length in a while and my GBF is getting upset with me. Works driving me insane but it’s probably just being used as a distraction anyway. Life doesn’t suck right now but it’s mundane. I said this the other day, there’s no passion in it. I want something different, something fun, something that’s not been there for a long time. I just don’t know what that is.

Instead of worrying what the next thing is, I’m going to say up a bit later (it’s already 2 am), watch so weird show I just found and sleep. Hopefully, I won’t fall asleep on the couch like I did last night. I’ll wake up, exercise, have brunch with some friends. Come home and clean a bit and wait to see if THE friend will come over. I feel like he might have found something else to do instead which is fine. If he does show up then we’ll have a fun time but I’m not expecting anything. Sometimes the best things happen when you don’t expect a thing.

On a different note though, today is my 7 year anniversary on wordpress. I’ve been writing this blog for 7 years now except I’ve gotten frustrated a few times and deleted a lot of posts. I’m wondering if I regret that now. It would be weird to see some of those posts. Keep in mind that THE friend wasn’t there for the first 4 years that I had it. It’s been fun though and I’ve met some great people on here so I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s read this weirdness that is my life. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.



When words seem to fail…

There are three phrases in the English language that seem to lose meaning after a while. “Thank you”, “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. Either they’re used too much and love is referred to when speaking of something meaningless like cheeseburgers or they’re used too little or quite possibly too quietly. I tend to under-use all those phrases or mumble them under my breath because sometimes those words aren’t enough to justifiably describe how I’m feeling.

So it turns out that I can be surprised, in a good way. Humans can still shock me a bit, although he’s not a typical human. He’s probably one of the most perplexing, emotionally jumbled, strangely astute and perfectly imperfect humans that I know. Our relationship is both daunting and draining yet emotionally charged and wonderful all in the same breath. Of all the people I’ve known in my life, no one has ever had the impact on my emotional soul like he and it pisses me off!

That’s actually not true, all the time. Sometimes it’s wonderful because these are new ways of thinking or feeling for me. Tonight I am glad to have this blog because usually, in our perplexing existence with each other, after we have an argument or something great that happens I usually end up sending some emotional vomit disguised as a letter or text but as I said before, I’m done with my old ways. Instead of putting it out there for him to see, which makes him roll his eyes and be uncomfortable or knowing that there’s always a great possibility that he’ll never read it because he’s got the attention span of a hamster, I’m putting it out here.

I’m looking around my home today and realizing that this is his way of care, love and thanks. He’s cleaned and rearranged everything, all while cooking dinner last night while I was sleeping feeling like crap. This is the reason why, over the last couple years, that no one else has had this place in my heart. He knows me. More than I’d like to admit. His care and concern comes across like the brutal sting of a rose thorn but with the beauty of the rose. I have to take a minute to let the sting wear off before noticing the beauty sometimes but when I do, I have no words. This is where words fail me.

Saying “Thank you” is lost on so many. It’s an immediate response for little things. And, like saying any word, it looses its meaning. Saying “I’m sorry” but continuing to do the same action that caused the apology makes the apology less than stellar and some what meaningless. Finally, “I love you”. This is probably the most underused phrase in my vocabulary. I use it sparingly because it’s meaning is so powerful to me. I grew up never hearing those words and will probably breath my last breathe without hearing that phrase pass some of my family’s lips and I’m ok with that. But because of that, when I do tell people it’s because I truly do.

So “thank you”. I could throw out this term to him to verbalize my appreciation of his actions but I believe in actions over words. I will offer my thanks in actions, just not sure how yet. The “I’m sorry” that he gives me after he’s upset me, this one is a bit strange. I know why he does and says things and I know that his ways are usually delivered with a sting but I am accepting of this. It’s going to upset me, maybe piss me off or even make me cry. That’s the hardest part for me. Never in my life has someone’s words affected me to the point that it’s made me cry. I’m sure there’s some BS that I could read about that basically says it’s the people that mean the most to you that have the capacity to hurt you the worst but his words aren’t intentionally laced with sharp blades it’s more about the fact that I let those blades cut me. He thinks I have thin skin, which is only true with him. I am an assertive control freak at work, in life, everywhere that he is not with me. But my guard is down with him. I don’t know why and I understand that is a role that he never applied for. His “I’m sorrys” are appreciated but I never want him to walk on egg shells around me, I don’t want him to change and I don’t ask that he be different with me. I think we’re both still learning how to be with each other though. It’s a process.

Lastly, the “I love you”. I’ve never verbally spoken these words to him. The times he’s said it can be counted on more than one hand but again, he’s a bit careless with that phrase. There are so many times when it’s on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t say it out loud. There’s also many times when I feel the need to just have him touch me. It’s as if he’s so close sitting next to me and all of a sudden, I see this image of me just reaching out and grabbing his hand or kissing his cheek and yet I sit still or just bundle up in my cocoon of safety and move a bit further away. Some days it’s excruciatingly painful to realize that I feel for this guy more than anyone before and sometimes I feel like those feelings are what keeps us from being 100 percent honest with each other. He’s afraid of hurting me and I’m afraid of making him uncomfortable. He’s afraid of giving me the wrong idea and I’m afraid he thinks I have the wrong idea. It seems that we’re both just two kids that are afraid of feeling too much or too little or of hurting or of losing.

I fear that one night on a bit too much to drink one of us will just spill what the other one is thinking or feeling then, like the tube of toothpaste test, we’d never get anything back inside. Maybe that would be a good thing. Some days I feel like we’re two emotionally stunted teenagers, that are dealing with adult situations and emotions. Some days it’s hard but other days it’s nice. Some days I like our bubble we share together and other days it feels like I’m suffocating between a life I want and the life I have. Some days I feel like his angel and other days I feel like he’s my savior. Right now, I’m not sure what I feel but I realize that when I have dated men I’ve never really written about them. When I was dating my ex, I just stopped writing here all together and I stopped talking about my relationships to my friends. My flaw is I shut down. I crawl inside my head and it takes the strength of a thousand men to pull me out.

I don’t always like that I’m so secretive. It’s never intentional and now my friends usually know they’ll get the “I don’t want to talk about it” answer when they ask about my life. I fear that I’d spill everything to him though, for some reason but he chooses not to ask. I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t care or because he doesn’t want to know the answer. He doesn’t know about the ex, the proposal or the most of the other stuff. In fact, the only person who does know about that is our mutual friend and I’m still not sure what he said that got me to spill the secrets. I’ve been told on lots of occasions that I need to open myself up. He still knows two of the darkest secrets I have. I don’t know if he realizes that it took a lot for me to confide in him those things. Not sure he even remembers what those secrets were.

None of this matters though. I look around my home tonight and am happy because I know he’s been here but sad because I don’t know when he’ll be back. This is why I make sure all his stuff is gone when he leaves because I don’t like the reminders that I’d let him stay here forever if he needed or wanted to.

I’ve given in to my confused mind tonight and will drift off to sleep soon. Hope you’re having a great week so far. Sorry for the long post.

My Love Will Never Die By: Hozier

When words fail music speaks