Ripping off the hand that fed you and ripping apart the heart that loved you…

This year is ending in almost the same way it ended last year, in betrayal. It’s so hard to believe that this is where we are at again and it’s all my fault. I should have never trusted enough to let it back again. If it was a silent betrayal it wouldn’t feel as though I was just being mocked at this point but it just proves that this is so over. It’s the kind of over that been dug up and resurrected from the grave only to have ripped apart again and again.

How many times do I need to be shown how completely insignificant this was to him? Adding insult to insult. While I ignored horrible emails from people going so far as to tell me that he’d given them an STD,  not that it mattered with us. Ignoring friends telling me that he’d just make me feel like shit and I never deserved that. People have never been accepting of whatever we were anyway and he’s never even tried to fight for a damn thing. The only things he’s ever emphasized is his lack of care and concern about me as a human and this relationships as anything but just a joke.

My masochistic phase is OVER! I’m done getting slapped in the face and kicked in the heart over and over and over again. I’ve never done a thing to him that was intentionally hurtful. You want something real and true and you fight for it. Damn me for caring… I’m so done with this bullshit. I’ve never done anything to warrant this feeling that keeps flowing through me again and again.

I want to scream so fucking loud right now. The thought that this feeling of horrific pain that he’s probably never felt is only caused by him has me writing one last thing about him to get him out of my system and then I am truly done.

Dear THE Friend,

I will never understand why you’ve turned to hate me or at the very least be apothetic which is what your actions prove to me. This whole thing was never planned by either of us but I guess I should have heed the warnings from the beginning. Just so we’re clear I ALWAYS defended you. I ALWAYS had your back. Not to mention the times that I helped you out that you don’t even know the lengths I went to to do it.

Are you aware of MY sacrifices for you? I gave you EVERYTHING and you chose to take EVERYTHING for granted. Occasionally you’d think that some sort of letter or text was sufficient enough for me to just forgive everything? YOU USED ME! YOU TREATED ME WITH THE MOST DISRESPECT. You are NOT a kind person, a giving person or a caring person. Not to me. You’ve canceled plans to be with others whom you thought to be more “worthy” and you spent money on others for pleasure when you have had obligations to me. You’ve lied repeatedly to me.

You kept us a secret from everyone, in which I can only assume was because you didn’t want our mutual friends to know who was breaking my heart at any given moment. You used my feelings for you as a stepping stone to get as much out of me as you possibly could. It’s always been your way, your time, your mood.

YOU HAVE HURT ME FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE BROKEN MY TRUST FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FROM ME and the saddest part is YOU DON’T EVEN CARE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAYS DOING THINGS THAT I’VE ASKED OF YOU AND YOU’VE IGNORED BUT GLEEFULLY DO WITH OTHERS. I HOPE YOU’VE ENJOYED THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS THAT I’VE SPENT ON YOU.

I want you to remember this for as long as you can. Remember when you had nothing, no car, no money and (your words) no one true friend) I WAS THERE FOR YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED AND YOU WANTED. What did I get in return? All your bad moods, all your shitty words and an occasional nice deed done more because you were bored than out of something that I wanted.

I have prayed for you more than myself and I can only assume that you’ve NEVER returned that favor. I got you things because YOU needed them and sacrificed things that I needed because of it and all I got was more and more requests for things. I can’t say this enough, I gave you EVERYTHING! There is not one true honest kind person on this earth that allows someone to give them everything and just keeps taking it all.

The saddest thing of all is that I’ll never get the chance to tell you how I feel but I’m not sure I would anyway because YOU DON’T CARE. One day I’ll finally be over you entirely and I’ll focus on the people in my world that care immensely about it but right now the only thing I can think about is why you chose me to be so fucking cruel too? I HAVE NEVER WRONGED YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH YOU. I was once told that you were soulless and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I stuck up for you so many times when it was never my fight and you wouldn’t have ever done the same for me.

So of the things you’ll never know… That issue at one of your last jobs was a lot more serious than you thought and I called in favors so that you’d never know or feel the repercussions. You actually had more issues with your new job than you were aware but when I found out I called in another favor to make that go away. When I was repeatedly being told by bitter people in your life some of the most horrible things I kept and will always keep them to myself because I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU! There’s a few other things that you’ll never know but remember that I did all those things plus the ones you know about because I TRULY CARED ABOUT YOU.

I have never cared what your situation was and I even tried to invest in you so you have a better future which you’ve so soon forgotten about. And by the way, I couldn’t afford to do it then and then you actually had the nerve to be upset because I couldn’t do more. Of all the nasty things that I could say about you and how you live your life and I never have to you because you’re “sensitive” even though you have absolutely no problem returning the negative comments, looks and actions.

Do you realize that I’ve had a family member physically hurt me and it felt better than all the things you’ve done to me. At least he’s apologized and actually feels hurt because of it. You don’t feel a thing do you? You are completely emotionless when it comes to me? Don’t you dare blame fear, depression or things being a “defense mechanism.” What the hell are you being defensive about? YOU DON’T CARE! That’s it plain and simple. You only care about who’s the prettiest you can spend your time with or who has more money or a better evening planned.

This person that you are now is NOT the person that I fell in love with and that hurts just the same. I’m not sorry that I fell in love with that person. I’m sorry that he’s become this person. I’m so sorry that I gave you what you asked for. That I tried everything to make sure you were sated, at a place you could call home and with someone you could trust. I’m even more sorry that none of that truly mattered to you.

I can be damn sure though that I am happy that I never changed for you because nothing makes you happy. Well, move on to your next victim. You have had more experiences in life and a greater opportunity to make a difference but instead you’ve decided to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still can’t say the “H” word to you or about you.

I’ve prayed for so many things since we’ve been “friends”. I’ve prayed for your happiness, for you to love yourself, for you to find your path in life and so many other things and when you walk into your church you don’t even think of praying for any of that for me do you?

Congratulations – you’ve lost someone who would never betray you. Never hurt you and never want anything less than you to be happy. Well, now you can be as happy as you want to be because you no longer have to pretend that this is any thing to you. You’ve wanted this to be secret for so long and now you’ve got your wish. It’s so secret that it doesn’t even exist.

I always knew why you came back this time around. It was for the one thing you said it wasn’t for which you’ll never know what it cost me to get you. I’d say have a great life and truly mean it but it appears that you already are and one that doesn’t include me in it. YOU HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO ME. I hope one day you’ll actually understand that.

Stop looking at all things from YOUR point of view since I’d spend so many years looking at things through your point of view and trying to understand and excuse everything away. Now, it’s your turn. Or maybe you’ll just gleefully walk away knowing that you got what you wanted and didn’t have to do much at all. Stop thinking about ONLY yourself and what you can get out of things. If you ever choose to look at this from my point of view you’ll realize that this is about so much more than you think it is, if you even think about it at all.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what’s happened here and maybe you never will but until you truly realize just how hurtful and painful this has been from beginning to end then it will never matter to you. Maybe you just don’t care. Turns out that being the greatest love of my life also made you into the greatest mistake of my life and nothing that I learned from being hurt by you was worth it. NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT ITS COME TO. You are off enjoying life yet again with those that you openly care about and I’m here left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart knowing that you’ll never understand, nor care because as honest as I’ve been with you this entire time (to which you’ve mostly ignored) I will never feel like it’s acceptable to share THESE thoughts with you. Whatever I tried to fight for is gone.

If someone that you actually cared about was made to feel like this you would want to kill that person that hurt them. Why even bother making me trust men again, making me fall in love with you? Was all this just a fucking game to you? Well, congratulations… I guess you won. Because I’m the only one who’s ever cared about this enough to let it ruin me. The next time you are in need of something… Remember that you can’t ask me anymore because YOU BROKE THIS! YOU BROKE ME. Add that to your little book of secrets. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME.

Sincerely,

The girl who gave you everything and you repaid by killing her soul. NEVER AGAIN! You not only stabbed me in the back but you stabbed me in the heart. Goodbye.

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Lost moments and pointless arguments…

I’m just getting back from dinner with friends. I’d actually canceled plans with them earlier because I was feeling tired and sick but decided to go ahead and go anyway. It was fun. We laughed and joked with the waiter who gave me free dessert. Not a bad night. I figure it was balancing my night from the day before because it wasn’t as fun.

You all know me, I never really reach out to people because I always feel that if they want to spend time with me then I’ll make the time. I’d decided, since we’d watched all the other debates together, that I’d ask THE friend if he wanted to watch. He’d said yes and we agreed on dinner, drinks and debates. I was looking forward to it.

I’d ordered the food, bought two bottles of recommended wine and came home to shower the shitty work day off me. I’d changed into my pajamas because I just wanted a chill night to relax. While I was waiting for him I’d gone out on my patio and the door locked behind me… I really should have taken that as a precursor to the rest of the evening. I then became someone who had to ask for someone else’s help. I had to wait till THE friend showed up just to get back in my home.

After the moment of “Wait let me get some embarrassing photo’s first of her then I’ll let her in” he immediately went to the kitchen and grabbed food, placed his stuff in a pile on my desk and preceded to sit there for the rest of the night on my computer, his TWO phones and not even engaging in the moment.

At first, I could tell that I was getting mad but I was trying to be calm and just relax. So, I had one glass of wine. Dinner then came and he was still on my computer and his TWO phones and still not engaging, so I had another glass of wine. Now, the debate is over, dinner is over, I’m on my third glass of wine (and I don’t drink) and I try one more time to have a conversation trying to tell a story that he only had to listen to for two maybe three minutes and he never even started to listen.

At this point in the evening, I’m a bit tipsy which should have been fun but I’m so upset that I just shut down. There’s nothing more to do on my end ever again. He knows I’m pissed and I hope that whatever captured his attention was worth it because then I just grabbed my stuff and went to bed, early, in my own fucking home.

I wake this morning probably feeling physically better than I should have but emotionally I just want to fucking scream. HE DOESN’T GET IT. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK! But even though I’m still upset I’m trying to get ready so quietly so I don’t wake him up.

A few hours later, I’m at work and receive an apology text. I replied with pure emotion and didn’t even wait till I thought out what I wanted to say. I had an emotional purge which was long overdue. I basically told him all the things that I’ve said here. I told him that he keeps apologizing for doing the same thing but he keeps doing the same damn thing which makes the apology useless. I told him that the little amount of time we spend together and all I ever asked for were small things, never too much nor anything that I don’t think he can actually handle. Maybe I’m wrong there. I also told him that he makes me feel like the loneliest person on earth while he’s sitting right next to me. Then I apologized for not being bright or shiny or new anymore but he needed to start showing me that he cares even the tiniest amount.

Basically, yet again, I was the most honest with him than I’ve been with anyone and explaining that all I want to do is get some semblance of a connection of what we used to have. I ripped myself open and showed my vulnerability again and what did I get in return… NOT A FUCKING WORD.

Literally not one more thing was said after that. I didn’t get an apology, an explanation, a “fuck off”. I got nothing. What’s the worst thing that you can say to someone who’s just been completely honest with you? NOTHING.

I’m disgusted with myself for trying, caring or even assuming that things could actually get better between us. The saddest part of all of this is that I would be his greatest ally, his loudest cheerleader, his best friend if he could just do the smallest of things. I wouldn’t question our friendship, requests nor favors if it actually seemed like it wasn’t all just for killing time for him.

The worst part was I actually brought up money. I basically said I’d spend almost $100.00 on an evening that I was ignored the entire time. I hate that. 2-3 years ago I would have NEVER looked at things like that but his complacency has me doing that. I needed him to understand and see things from my perspective. But then I got home, knowing he was still here because he’s lost my key, and realizing that he had ever opportunity to response to another vulnerable conversation but he chose to be on my computer and his two phones the entire day.

Out of all the things I’ve tried to ignore or work through internally or fight for with us and I am not even worth listening to or responding to. This is not a fault or flaw of my own. This is entirely on him and why he feels the need to either push away or smash me in to the ground so far that I end up only crying over my stupid decisions. NO ONE DESERVES THAT TYPE OF HATRED OR DISRESPECT FROM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING WHO’S BEEN KIND, LOVING AND CARING TO THEM. NO ONE!

All I do know at the end of this day is that I love myself way too much to do this ever again. There is literally no amount of love that you can give someone enough to make them love you back even in the smallest of ways. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

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This is a 2% happy post and 98% something else…

First I’ll get to the good stuff. The new guy and I have been chatting and flirting and it’s been so great. He says stuff that just makes me smile immediately. I loved that he was in a meeting today and just couldn’t stop texting me and he was leading it. We haven’t gotten to make plans yet and that’s on me because, honestly, I’m scared. And here’s where I’ll be as honest as hell with you all… I’m scared to death of being hurt, of hurting him or of it turning out like THE friend. That’s where this turns from the great to making me cry, again.

I honestly thought that, first, THE friend would forget about our “appointmented Sunday’s” and I wouldn’t see him yesterday which I would have been pissed about but am used to that. Then I assumed that my happy mood would be enough to carry me through if THE friend did anything upsetting. He didn’t forget and just showed up which wasn’t a “first thought pop by” so not on my list because I basically thought that I’d be doing something different last night as an alternative plan. I was happy to see him until the exact same stuff happened.

He walked in, went straight to the kitchen and then got on his phone. I swear it literally wouldn’t make a different if I was here or not. In fact, here are our statistics. Out of the time he’s at my home we spent maybe 25% of that together. The rest of the time I’m either asleep or at work. Out of that 25% he spends 23% of that on his phone talking to EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD but the one sitting right next to him and out of that last 2% that he might actually be speaking to me he’s saying insulting things 1.5% of the time. And not one single time that I’ve brought this up has he EVER looked at things from my perspective Which I have tried to do so many times.

Then he has the nerve to bring up other things he does with other people that actually entail him having fun, talking without his phone cemented in his hand and him spending money on things that don’t really seem as important as other things in his life.

So, way back when between mutual friends of ours and a few callous emails from an anonymous source I was warned. I was warned that he’d use me, throw me away like yesterday’s trash when someone else came alone and would never repay his words or keep promises. I was told that, “chances are he’ll never really care about you”. I was also told that he didn’t keep good company most of the time. Was always focused on the next piece of ass he could get and that he would never take any responsibility for any hurt he causes what-so-ever.

First, every single time someone we mutually knew said these things I’d tell them to go eff themselves because I didn’t believe he was like that. I believed that he was in a bad place and wasn’t going to just write him off because of how others viewed him. That wouldn’t have been fair, then or now. I ignored the emails from whoever was bitter enough to try to spreed their hate. I was also told, at one point, that the person I was speaking with actually gained some respect for him because he and I were friends and because I wasn’t like some of the “friends” that he usually spent his time with.

The only thing those words ever did was make me feel worse about myself or make me want to help him to prove his “friends” wrong about who they thought he was. Even now, that I feel some of those things I would still never spew hate or talk badly about him because regardless of what they thought or think they don’t know “us”. They don’t know the times that he actually clean up after both of us. The times when I was important enough to just randomly send a nice text to. The times that he made a mix CD never being asked. The times that he brought and made dinner. The times when he actually thought outside the box. The times when staying over, sleeping on my couch, eating all my food and ignoring me was never even thought about.

This time around he couldn’t even have cared to put on a shirt that wasn’t stained or torn. He, so intricately placed all of his items down as if he’s done this at hundreds of women’s home except… They don’t get ignored. They get the nice side of him. I literally feel as though he saves every last breath of horrible crap to take out on me so that he can save the good stuff up for every other person in his life.

I’m pissed because NO ONE should EVER make you feel like this. This is wicked and horrible and I’m so tired of caring about it especially when I know that I’ve NEVER done anything to him that would have ever hurt him even a tiny bit like this. I’ve NEVER treated him so bad that it’s made him cry. He has never acted like he’s cared as little as he does right now. If he was standing in front of me I’d probably push him or scream or something that’s out of character for me because I’m so angry. I’m angry that I still care way more than he ever has. I’m angry because I’m not worth a fucking thing to him. I feel like I’m that annoying layover flight before you get to where you actually want to go. WHO THE FUCK MAKES PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THAT?

Here’s the thing. I’ve said this so many times before but this has NEVER been about feelings that he so obviously was never going to reciprocate it’s always and is only about how you treat people that you “claim” to care about and that are supposedly like “family” to you. We don’t even fight anymore because there’s nothing left to fight for.

So here I am with a double edged sword. It’s obvious that I still love and care for him and unlike him when I’m angry the first thing I don’t do it spew out “fuck you. why even do this anymore if you can’t just get over shit”. (I’m paraphrasing a previous argument). Instead, I’m realizing that because of this new guy and how he’s handling things, even when I say I JUST want to be friends right now, is completely different than anything that THE friend has ever done.

THE friend was too embarrassed to introduce me to any of his friends or family. The new guy is nice when he knows there’s no reason to be except because he’s actually just nice. I’m not trying to intentionally compare the two because every single relationship is different but, as someone who’s a friend, I know what I deserve out of any relationship.

I know that a week ago I was ready to help THE friend out in a way I knew I’d never be paid back for. That was just a week ago. I know that six months ago I was so happy that we’d found our way back to each other again after a hiatus that HE took. I know that two years ago I was ready to live with him, put him on insurance and do other things that I’ve never considered before.

Lets turn the tables… What do I know about him and his feelings towards me? I know that he ONLY reaches out to me when he might need help. I know that he shows up when he hasn’t found something else to occupy his time. I know that he must treat every other person in his life better than this and that he doesn’t have any problems hanging out with others, their family and their friends. I know that his priorities are no where close to where mine are with our relationship.

I also know that I’ve been praying a lot and what I have prayed for is to be made for certain that he cares because his action don’t show that to me at all and I was sent an opportunity to meet someone that acts truly different when we’re talking or around each other. So my interpretation is that instead of THE friend showing me how he feels, I was sent someone who shows me what I deserve.

I’m not a victim. I could at any point say I’m done and be done. I could go on with the rest of my life knowing that I did everything that I could do and that should have been enough and that you can’t please everyone especially when your “new and shiny appeal” wears off. I would miss him and what we USED to be but I would be ok. But I also know that because I’m still pissed about it and because I’m still crying over it that I still care.

He wasn’t the first man that I was ever in love with but for the longest time I wished that he would be the last one that I found. He was the first man that I said those words too ever. He was the first man that I’ve let share my space. He was the first man that I ever gave a key to which he’s lost which is a bit symbolic I guess. I know that I’ve passed up a lot of opportunities in my life over these last years because of him. I’ve given up relationships, jobs, moving out of this town and many nights or memories with a lot of other people because I’ve put him first above and beyond anything else and the irony of it all is that he’s done NONE of that for me. He’s never given up a thing.

Being fair he’s never asked me too but I’m pretty sure he’s know it. The last vestige of this relationship was the “secret” time we spend on his appointment Sunday’s which he shows up ever few weeks to now and he can’t even muster enough strength to be nice to me in the 2% of time that he actually has to charge his phone and possibly converse with me. That makes me feel pretty low right now and that’s so fucking sad. I remember a time that he’d say something crappy and realize later that it was wrong and he’d actually apologize for it and I believed it. But now, it’s passed in the wind as if nothing wrong was done on his part. I’ve never even considered saying things half as bad to him because I actually DON’T want to hurt him. Why does it feel like he has to take everything out on me?

Since my prayers, I suppose, have been answered I have no idea what to pray for next. I do know that regardless of how I feel right now which is so fucking horrible that I still sing his praises to every one else. BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ASSHOLE! I’m sure that it matters even less right now as I won’t see him for weeks again.

I honestly felt like THE friend could have been the “new guy” in my life for a long time or ever and I’m sad that I don’t feel that at all right now. I wish things were different with us more than anything else in my life right now. I wish that his action mirrored his, once long ago words, about how important I was. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just sent him this site and make him understand what he does whether knowingly or not. I wished he’d understand my perspective as much as I’ve tried to understand his situation. I wish he gave a shit… That’s all.

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Tears From The Moon…

She left one who was essentially oblivious to anything outside his wifi’ed world to reply to another that only wanted her in his whole world. 
But at that very moment, what did she want? She wanted the one that didn’t exist. She wanted the one who looked and felt like the one she was with but had the emotions for her as the one that wanted her to be his world. 
Things are shifting in a direction that things were never supposed to go. 
She wondered how it was possibly that she felt more alone in the presence of the one she loved than when she was actually alone. 
She wonders why just the thought of leaving him brings salted tears to her cold eyes. 
There is nothing more to do here but to run. In to the arms of another? Or just away from it all. There’s literally nothing left. 
She tries to grasp at memories from the beginning of all this but his occasional verbal outbursts bring her to the now and she’s reminded that it really doesn’t matter to him who the warm body is next to him. 
This has become a sick and twisted version of her self abuse. Is this what it’s like to be an emotional cutter? 
She has a humorous thought and wondered how long it would take to notice if she’d just replaced herself with someone else. Anyone else. Would he notice? Ever? 
He calls this state passive aggressive but what he doesn’t know is that this silence is the only way to stop from crying. It’s her trying to grab ahold of what she thought they used to be. 
The music in the background, the smell of what would have been a nice dinner, the sense that this night could have gone totally different if he knew how to live in the moment and not attached to a world of others that aren’t there right now. 
She screams, in her head, “I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!” But he has made for certain that that promise will not end in forever. 
It’s painfully obvious that she needs to be done. So. Very. Done. 
She never asked him to reinvent the wheel, to do something he couldn’t do or to be someone he wasn’t. 
She just wanted him to see her, right then. To be acknowledged for being her. She had to know in that very moment that it was her smile, her eyes, her being that he actually wanted to be around and not her surroundings. 
It seems like the smallest thing in the world. It seems like something that should have never been taken for granted. 
She realizes that she’ll never get that because he’ll never understand. Because he’s never tried to understand. Because he’s never actually seen her. 
Full moons are supposed to be great and tonight’s is supposed to be even better than that. But it’s hard to see the moon through tears. 
The more she loves him the more she realizes she’s not broken but he might be more than she ever thought. 

I wonder if he’d care that it was so easy for someone else to see everything she has that’s great and to want all that. I wonder if he’ll ever have appreciated it. 

Points of Clarity That I Wish I Didn’t See…

This last week has been strange. While contemplating it last night, I was up till almost 5 am then awake again at 9 this morning. I was exhausted but looking forward to spending some more time with THE friend because Game of Thrones was back on tonight and it’s one of our many shows that we watch. However, things did not go as planned.

To say his moods are all over the place isn’t fair. Mine are as well and they’re usually dictated by his. I assumed (which you should never do) that after an text “argument” the other day that things would feel a little different tonight. I suppose more so that I wished they’d have been different. He still holds the reward for the person that I’ve been most honest with ever. Things may not get worked out the moment they happen but we usually discuss things after the fact. They might change for a moment or two but they usually go back to where they were. This used to be ok.

Over the last week while he was here, which I was happy about, I had some issues. Clean up after yourself. Don’t eat things that I ask you not to because they’re for my breakfast and a few other points. I admitted to him that he made me feel invisible and that it always feels as though he never really wants to be here. Those words hurt the worst to admit because I’ve never felt that before. I thought with his response of “that really bothers me that I make you feel that way” that things would change. Again, that’s what I get for assuming.

I have many friends that I see more often than him and that I speak to more often than him and yet we always find things to talk about. We put our phones away and just talk about anything. Tonight, however, there was a moment when there was 37 minutes of silence because he was buried in his phone. 37 minutes is a long time when all you want is for someone to prove to you that they actually want to be here. So, I went into my room to charge my phone and lied down for a moment. The next thing I know I’m waking up about an hour later to a dark house.

I don’t blame him for leaving but in a funny twist of fate I wonder if he realizes that that’s what it’s like to be around him. Here’s the other funny part. I live my life, with him, in two sections. The first being how I feel and how he makes me feel. The second is why he does the things he does and how he feels about things. I never want to upset him. I never WANT to argue with him and I NEVER want to make him feel like he makes me feel. Why? Because it fucking sucks.

On the way home the other night, when I knew he was still at my home, my mom decided that would be a great time to call me and tell me that my dad is going blind. My family has a strange way of breaking bad news. When I got home I thought that would have been a nice time to “let him in” and tell him and maybe have him help me inventory my feelings about that except he was passed out in what looked to be a depressed slumber so I decided not to ruin his night and decided to forgo what might have turned in to an emotion conversation.

That’s the thing. I think about his feelings. I try to step lightly on egg shells ALL THE TIME. Half my grocery list is things that he likes, or wanted, or mentioned in passing. I think about him way more often than I should and I suffer for it. He can’t see what he’s doing to me because he can’t see outside of his own self. He has no idea what goes through my head and this next part is the part that would hurt him beyond what I’m ever willing to do. He has no idea how hard it is to be his friend. The next part is the hardest for me to admit to myself and that’s I often wonder how the hell I’m still in love with him but I am. Through all the shitty conversations that we’ve actually had, through the shitty things he does and says and through all HIS tough times it is still the hardest decision in my life to leave him even though I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about this friendship. He takes me for granted all the time and sometimes, I think he manipulates my feelings to see what I’ll do. Or what’s worse than that is that I am more terrified to realize that he doesn’t think about me at all. That would be the worst case, I think.

For some reason, he knows the emotional me. No one else really knows that. I thought about this the other night. I’d gone out with some friends to our usual Friday night spot and was flirting with the very young waiter. I was being who I usually am around others. By the end of the night he’d slipped me his phone number and said we should hang out which is pretty much any young man’s code for lets get nasty. I thought about that tonight because THE friend and I don’t have that type of relationship. There’s so much crap mixed in everything. There’s emotions, favors and secrets. Not so much secrets between us but I think we hold a lot back from each other. Maybe we don’t. Short of some sort of miracle or intervention I can’t see this getting any better. As much as I talk about it on here I think I can already write our ending which might just be coming way too soon. I think I always knew our story never had a happy ending but I wished that there was so much more happy in the middle.

What I need from this “ship” is to know that he actually wants to spend time with me. That I make a positive difference in his life. I need to know that this isn’t a friendship of convenience for him or that this is his last resort. I need him to not make me feel like an invisible piece of shit and I need to know why I can’t “quit him”.

It’s a bit funny that I try to give all the worst parts of this relationship to my therapists and they’ve all had some sort of insight that goes way beyond what I’ll ever understand or believe. I explain to them all the shitty parts of this and how I feel so completely unappreciated yet they always have come back with some insight as to where his feelings might actually lie. So the therapists, the fortune tellers, the shamans and my own best friend all betray me with the impression that he does actually care and have feelings that he might not even know he’s got. I hear all that and want to act like a child by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE ARE NO FEELINGS! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOVE ME!”.

It boils down to this… You can say anything you want. It doesn’t matter. If your actions don’t backup those words then you’re just lying. Bottom line. You can’t say, “I love you and care about you” and then treat me, my home and my words like they don’t matter. Life doesn’t work like that. But instead of screaming, fighting and saying things that could hurt him, I just fall asleep in a dark cold room 20 feet away because sitting next to him in 37 minutes of silence, while he desperately seeks out the rest of the world and shows me that every one else is more important was the easier thing to do.

I would love to know why he feels the need to take the harshness this world has bestowed upon him out on me, the one who’s been here with everything that he needs, wants and could ever have for three plus years now. Where the fuck is my happy ending and if I don’t get one then what’s the point in all of this anyway? About a month after we starting spending time together, three plus years ago, he once told me that he felt I was an angel that came to him. I wish that his actions made me actually believe that because it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. That seems like such a long time ago now. The trouble with memories is that you can always remember a time that was better than it is right now.

I can’t believe I’m crying over him again. When will I use up my tears on this one boy? Why will my tears not dry up? I’m sick of crying over someone that’s never cried over me.

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When Is Enough, Enough? And my jumbled thoughts.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last written and my last post I was feeling pretty crappy about things. I’m not sure much has changed, in that aspect. First, the beginning of my weekend. We’ll start there cause then it might go a bit downhill after that.

My GBF’s sister’s birthday is today and he wanted to take her to Austin so she could have dinner at this place off Lake Travis. We’d made this plan. We were going to leave early Saturday drive to my brothers, hang for a while then go to the restaurant around the time the sun sets and meet up with a few other people. We’d gotten a bit of a late start but pretty much flew there and the plan went accordingly. We were all having a great time. Family, friends (new and old) and of course my niece and my BFF were there. We were all joking and playing and having a great time. The drive back was a great karaoke of 80’s hits which were being sung too loudly. We ended up getting home a bit later than expected around 11 but nothing too drastic.

I came in, changed and went to have drinks with a friend very late Saturday. He’s an old but great friend. We were telling these stories to his friends about some of our ‘good ole times’ and it was happy and fun. We were all having a blast. Towards the end of the night or I guess I should say early morning, he walked me to my car. We’d leaned against it for a bit and giggled at a few things and then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t forcefully with passion, it wasn’t in hopes of getting laid, it was just something he wanted to do right then and he did. I respect those types of actions. It lasted longer than it should have but it made me realize just how much I miss that. You know? All the Oxytocin that runs through your body after that. So, we kissed a bit more then said our goodbyes with promises to get together soon but I don’t know if I want to yet.

So, after a great Saturday, you know my “read somewhere wisdom” about getting seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day makes someone healthy? Yeah, so I was feeling pretty great. One of those days that you kind of don’t want to end but eventually I had to get to sleep. I was having THE friend come over the next day (or later that day) and he was going to make a healthy meal. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the “he forgot about me” incident but I was looking forward to it. I was going to leave the bad where it was and start fresh. No judgement, no grudges and was hoping to continue the vibe from the day before’s fun.

He came, a bit later than what I’d thought. I’d cleaned the kitchen. Bought a few things he’d requested after he bought the other half of the ingredients and I’d worked out a bit and added to my motivational wall of determination. I was ready for some more fun. He walked in with a sigh which felt like a “Ugh, I’m here again like an appointment” sigh. Went straight into the kitchen and just went to work. Talking to himself mostly. A few “where’s this” or “could you get this” sternly from him and that’s when it started…

Nothing I had was good enough. I’d bought the wrong this, or this was shitty or this was wrong. I have shitty this and that and NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH! I was trying really hard to not just walk out or scream or cry. Then when he starts out like that I start retreating into my own head and become small, so small and quiet. Then he gets mad because I don’t speak up but it’s because he’s already made me feel like shits never good enough. Then we eat and since we eat over “our TV shows” there’s no conversation. There’s no engaging.

After dinner, he was doing something on his computer which was important however, still no conversation. He does this thing when I don’t fast forward the commercials so I did it back and because he’s so into whatever he’s doing he yells at me. At this point, I’m feeling like a child that can’t seem to do anything right. I want to cry, a lot but again, why? What’s the point anymore?

On his way out the door, he’d asked about hanging out on Wednesday and I said no for two reasons. First, our last two Wednesday’s hadn’t worked out and two because HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, AGAIN. I feel like he thinks I said no because of some sort of punishment because he forgot but I’m trying so damn hard to not care anymore because this is still one sided. This is still not and never where this was in the beginning. I remember when we used to have fun and laugh and do new and exciting things but now it just feels like a chore or an appointment for him.

So, you are all asking why I keep doing this to myself right? Well, at first, there was such a strong connection that I felt toward him and yes, the whole being in love thing was a lot of it. You want to talk about Oxytocin? Even though he’s never and will never have those feelings for me he still acted with love, and care (sometimes) but he was also playful and did the hand holding and the inappropriate touching which I craved because I hated it from most others. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but it was where a lot of my good feelings about us were coming from. Being around him for one day gave me the 7 hugs, kisses (not compliments) that I needed to leave some of the bad shit behind us.

I still believe that there’s a whole lot of women out there who get to see a really great, nice and caring man that I don’t get to see. I really don’t know why HE keeps wanting to do this dance we do. On a good day it’s great but on a bad day, he makes me question myself which isn’t healthy, fair and it’s certainly NOT what I deserve. I deserve a friendship that grows and that is caring and that is helpful and NOT one that has me dripping tears in between key strokes. I am not this fragile and sensitive or at least I wasn’t. But it just makes me think about all the people who get his best and I don’t understand why I’m not on that list after what we’ve been through. This is bullshit.

The first guy that I was truly in love with, who I still work with, and I have this ritual. He usually brings his lunch and heats it up early. While he’s waiting he’ll come into my office, sit down and say, “So, ‘insert nickname here’, did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” I respond, “Yes, ‘insert nickname here’ I did such-and-such. How was yours? What did you do?” and we talk about things for a few moments. He and I have worked together for almost 17 years and known each other for almost 20. But we still have conversations, some meaningful some not so much. We ask each other questions, ask about problems that we’re going through. We still care enough about each other to TALK to each other and to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER. It’s never forced conversation. There are no other feelings there but respect and friendship but that’s how things SHOULD BE!

Maybe the oxytocin from the sex that THE friend and I shared once three plus years ago has finally worn off completely. Maybe there’s just nothing good left here. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse as they say. Maybe I should let him out of this invisible contract that I feel that he thinks he’s in. He can go forth with making all his other friends happy and sharing things with them that he can’t seem to do with me. I should tell him that he’s served his time or community service and isn’t under any obligations any longer to HAVE to spend time “working” on this friendship. I’m sure he’s got other ‘people’ he’d rather be with.

Yes, I’m well aware that all sounds horrible and probably jealous or whatever but if I felt that I got half of the nice words that others got this wouldn’t seem so futile to me. Maybe I am a masochist or maybe God is still mad at me. I have no idea because I really can’t understand why THIS makes me feel as bad as it does. Sometimes, I feel like, since he’s working on his life and he’s getting to a better place that I’m a starter friendship or that I’m the test subject. I still feels so very replaceable which is the worst word EVER to use in a friendship and I’ve never used it before for any other.

I miss those days I was a cold hearted bitch that didn’t give a shit. I miss the days when his actions didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I miss the days when he didn’t make me cry. I miss the days when it meant more to write about the boy on Saturday who WANTED to spend time with me verses the boy who just didn’t have anything else to do that night. I miss the days when I wasn’t a Sunday and half-ass Wednesday girls. I think I’m still pretty envious of the other nights of the week girls in his world.

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27 Days of Music – The X’s… and some more rambling.

I do realize that some of my rants or ramblings would normally put me in the nut house and that it really appears that I am bipolar but these are the reasons why this is my secret space. It helps me get all my crap out here so it doesn’t explode in the real world.

I had a whole other thing written but decided against it because I took most of my anger out in an hour long cardio session. My evening tonight was much more productive and healthy than last night. Last night I decided to have drinks with a friend, late. I got tipsy, we got flirty and he got an idea. I’m sure I would have gone ahead with his idea except I was too tired, tipsy and angry to care. Plus, it’s not that easy to get inside of any part of me. That might be the reason so many try because it becomes sport and there’s some sort of trophy at the end.

Blah, and there’s my mood showing again. I’m still angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know the rest. I don’t drink much at all and especially not when I’m emotional but it felt like something I wanted to do. I usually just workout like a crazy person which is much better therapy. There’s forty reasons why I felt like shit yesterday and only one thing that would have truly made it all go away. I didn’t get that or at least from the right person anyway and I know I never will.

My ex wants to take me out for my birthday this week. That’s the question on everyone’s lips, “What do you want for your birthday?” Honestly, I just want a quiet night at home with a home cooked meal and a movie, maybe a bath and a back rub… That’s all. Some people might call me basic for that but I like simplistic. Friends give flowers, jewelry and expensive dinners. Some even offer trips and other expensive things but I can do all that myself. It’s times like this I wish someone could read my mind. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience at all. I need that feeling of being coupled without the responsibility right now. I can’t really handle anything more than that. I don’t say this much but I just need to not be alone right now. Wow, that even sounds weird hearing myself say it in my head. I have denied what I’ve needed in my life for as long as I can remember. So there you have my honesty tonight.

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