Something wicked this way comes…

This weekend has seriously been strange. The “I’m not ok with this” strange. A sort of “Something wicked this way comes” strange. I can’t really even describe things better than than though. Instances, occurrences and events have put me in a strange mood.

After a bit to drink last night and an enjoyable evening I came home late and wrote. I wrote first on paper so I could get it all out and it really did just keep coming all out. Then I formulated a better plan and rewrote on the computer and almost hit send… What was this life changing letter that I was writing? Well, it was my “break-up” letter to THE friend.

It occurred to me while I’m in the middle of this heartfelt, crushing, emotional letter basically saying all the things I’ve ever wanted to say but didn’t know how, I was literally ONLY writing this for an audience of one. Me. The more and more I wrote this the more and more I got angry because I realized that if he ever actually cared, I’d never have to write this. If he’d ever actually cared I’d never felt as shitty as I did in that very moment. If he ever actually cared I wouldn’t have felt like it was his favorite past time to rip out my heart whenever he could.

That’s all giving him a lot of power and I understand that it was too much responsibility. He can’t take care of himself so asking for him to take care of my heart was way too much. You know once, when I told him that I still had feelings for him his reply was, “I feel betrayed. I thought you’d taken care of that shit.” I should have know then that I couldn’t have given my heart to someone any less deserving of it.

There has always been over a thousand reasons why hanging around in this “friendship” was a terrible idea but I was so sure that WE were meant for more than we ever actually were. I’ve allowed this guy to steal my happiness when we were never really friends. Do you know how sad that is?

Things have gotten just so bad in my mind that there’s nothing to be done. I am miserable when he’s not here but I’m even more miserable when he is because he could care less that I’m the one he’s with in that moment. He’ll never treat this friendship or me even close to the way it should be. Lastly, whatever joy this relationship ever brought to me died along time ago.

I realized just how much happier I am in other circles and just how much my true self shines around others. I’m the life of the party. I’m enjoying every moment with others. I’m not questioning “why” they’re there. I’m not worried that as soon as they get something they need or want then they’re gone. I’m not worried around everyone else. My heart isn’t breaking around everyone else. I’m not left feeling like an invisible piece of shit with anyone else.

I tried to remember last night the last time I felt good about “us”. It was over three years ago. That’s way too long. Then, I tried to remember what or when it was that things changed. I can’t even point that out anymore but what did come to mind was all these moments in this “shitty movie montage” of all the times when I ended up crying or angry or just plain feeling like shit about “us” or myself or the evening or whatever.

This is the first time that I’m realizing that these roadblocks that are between us will never move, in fact, they’ll only get worse. It’s not fixable anymore and I don’t actually think that I want to fix things. I don’t think there’s enough superglue in this entire world that will fix all our broken bits together.

I don’t remember when I stopped being a strong independent woman when it came to him but when that did happen is when I should have realized that a boy should fan the flames of an independent woman and not stomp them out.

I am officially done with feeling sad or angry about something that I put so much into. I know that’s been said before but there’s been a real change. Trust me. The second job interview. The other friend and some words of wisdom from other friends have just made me realize that by attaching myself to lost causes, I’m bringing myself down and miserable. Just to be clear I do not think that HE is a lost cause, I think that WE are a lost cause.

So after all that thought went into the breakup letter and I was just about to hit send so that it slips out of my mind and into the universe to end up in his email only to be ignore as he does so many other things for week. I realized that on the off chance he did read it I didn’t want him to have a crappy weekend because of that…. WOW. I’m awesome. Course then I realized that, again, he’d still never see things through my eyes. He’d pull some bullshit and send me some angry vindictive text messages about how I suck and how everything is really my fault somehow.

None of any of that matters now. I’ve been immune to his “charm” this entire time and have only been running off some emotions that our combined energy brought into this world that others felt as well in the beginning. That was enough to bring me this far but has now finally reached empty. I told you that my weekend has been strange.

I suppose I’ll keep you all informed as to what I end up doing but by typical calculations I maybe or may not hear from him in a week or two, possible three. By then, maybe I’ll have figured out the best way to have the most need finale ever. It sucks that the most needed things to do in the world are also the hardest but I suppose those are the adult things we all have to do at some point. I just wished I wasn’t the only one that is going to hurt like hell.

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Awkwardly horrible yet still smiling day… 

So today has had a lot of highs and lows, mostly lows, however I am not going to let any of that get me down. Someone, yet again, tried to salt my world with their lonely bitterness this morning and it made me do something that I really didn’t want to do but had too. This goes back to my post about people trying to push their shitty agendas on others because their world sucks. Blah. Some people are just assholes and I have no idea why I’ve become the recipient of their negativity.

I have been a more than kind person to a few close people in my life. This has never exhausted me nor made me regret anything I’ve done out of care but for some reason something I’ve done for one friend has obviously upset someone who had feelings for him. I think I’m pissing them off more because I’m not responding to their level of immaturity rather than engaging in it. See, I’m not a bitch but you also don’t fuck with people I care about, regardless of where we are with each other.

I really don’t understand why people choose to infect their bad moods, self-loathing or shitty disposition on other humans. When I’m in a bad mood, I’d rather shut myself away and not pass that on to anyone else. Unless I’m at work, then I usually take it out on my boss. I’d never say this to anyone but this asshole’s words affected me to the point of tears, for a third time and so I’m pretty sure I’ve made things so they can’t anymore. I teared. I fixed it. I moved on. After having two workout sessions today, seeing my friend’s beautiful baby girl and writing a bit, I feel so much better.

I think I want to start packing my stuff this weekend. My move date will come way too quickly and I have lots of stuff. The good thing is if I start now then I might be done in time 🙂 Plus I’d like to sell some stuff for extra cash, stuff I never use anyway. Then I have very early plans all weekend which is weird because I don’t do early but it’ll give me time to get a good nights rest? Who am I kidding, I’ll probably got to bed late all weekend. This is the time of year when all the concerts, charity events and parties are many. It’ll be the time to dress up, look pretty and have fun. I’m actually looking forward to them this year.

I spoke to my friend who lives in the northeast this week and he’s planning on coming here for Thanksgiving. I miss his face so that should be fun as well. Aside from all of that today ended with a cash bonus somehow and tickets to a new winter festival in town. I will miss the perks of this job for sure although I’m pretty sure I’ll still be able to get them when I’m gone. Sixteen years is a long time to work somewhere and knowing the owner for almost 20 years will help as well.

On my last note of today, I finally went to my mailbox (which I never do) and found a letter. I have no idea who the letter was from but it was very sweet and you all know how I feel about getting a hand written letter. This would be out of my normal “strange” but it’s not. I’ve said before that weird things happen to me all the time. For years I’ve gotten an anonymous gift on Valentine’s Day. No clue who those were from. I’d been given all the 50 shades of shit books left, gift wrapped on my door step, teddy bears, flowers… It’s all been a strange mystery but I’m not that inquisitive. I might actually be one of the lease noisy people ever. My thought was, “If I’m supposed to know, then I will. If not, then it’s none of my business”. You all know how much of a private person I am already so this just goes with the flow.

I’m going to go do one final workout, get ready for bed and watch a scary movie before sleeping. Have a great night.

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Feeling like a drunk monkey without the alcohol…

I’m sitting here and my A.D.D. has kicked into high speed. I’ve got the TV on, watching some crap I’m sure I’ve seen before, with my iPad in my lap doing stuff on there, my iPhone next to me replying to people in between phone conversations and typing my post for tonight. I guess you could say I’m trying to keep my mind busy.

I’ve had a weird week. I sit here, alone (yet not lonely) mid-week and the most exciting part of my week is after my workouts, after my dinners out, after parties, to just put on my Flashdance shirt and relax completely soberingly sober. I thought about having a glass of wine but decided against it. I’m not one to drink alone. Part of my weird week is because I’ve been asked out three times this week by all different guys and I have absolutely no interest in any of them. I’m so over this dating crap.

I’m much more interested in my workout challenge that’s going pretty well so far. What I have learned though is that I have the balance of a drunk monkey. I’d love to be someone who’s awesome at yoga but the truth is, I have no effing balance what-so-ever. I honestly don’t know how I became a cheerleader or how I was ever in dance. Somewhere along the way my equilibrium has gotten twisted or something. So, I’m doing these challenges and thanking the man upstairs that I’m doing them alone because otherwise I’d look like an idiot to any other human. I’m slightly embarrassed for myself. BUT I’m trying which is what they’re all about.

The challenge consists of 2 miles a day and it’s been three days but I’ve already almost done ten miles. I’m excited about that and the fact that I’ve still had a social life the whole time too. In years past, I’ve worked so late that it’s either a workout day or a go eff off day but never both. Now, I’ve decided that I’m not working for the man past five o’clock anymore. In fact, as of 5:01 it’s my time! By then there’s a me shaped hole in the front door cause I can’t leave fast enough. Then I’ve been coming home, changing, working out, then going out. Granted it’s only been three days but I’m happy about it so far.

My family has been really up my ass about going to visit them. They’re only 2/3 hours away but oh I hate that drive, especially alone. It’s so boring and by the time I leave work I’m so not in the mood for that but I do know that’s something I need to do sooner than later. I’d gotten tickets to the ACL festival there but that didn’t work out as planned 😦 so I’m going to have to sell them or find someone that can take off three days. There’s some really great bands there too and of course I miss my little niece. She’s such a tiny adult it’s so weird. I really should get or have one of those little tiny adults soon or a puppy. I’d much rather have a kid though.

I’m in a bit of a weird mood tonight as you can tell. My mind is everywhere and I have to keep checking to see if there’s a full moon out. Somethings happening up there in the stars. That’s all I do know. I’m not sure if it’s for the good or bad but somethings brewing. It’s it too late to think about taking my Friday afternoon nap? I feel like my thoughts are exhausting me right now. They’re jumping from one thing to another, from one person to another. I am obviously feeling much better after last weekend and the shitty shit I had to deal with. Still not quite 100 percent but getting there or as close to it as I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my sleeping pill is no where close to kicking in and even though it’s almost 11:00 I have a strange desire to go take a walk outside. Probably not the best idea but I seem to have some residual energy that needs to find it’s way out of me soon.

I’m still not entirely sure that I’m not bipolar or a bit crazy. I really am all over the place right now, like I’ve had too much coffee but I know that’s not it. Hell, I have no idea. I am just happy I’m not crying or in pain in this very moment. I am feeling quirky though. We’ll see where this mood leads me tonight… Good night 🙂

This will probably be one of those posts I read later and think “WTF!”. I promise you though I’m mind numbingly sober right now. Maybe I shouldn’t be. Maybe I’m just trying to keep my mind of other things or people.

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The strange rarities in life…

The weird and wonderfully strange rarities in life. I like the strange and the weird and that’s good because all that is usually attracted to me in some form or fashion. Whether this be in people or in situations, I find myself being drawn to the different. This has always been the opposite of the types of men I usually date because they’re all stupid and rich and normally boring but that’s not what I’m attracted to.

I’d just had a conversation with someone who described me as quirky, humorously witty and unknowingly sexy. I probably should have been a bit humble but I wasn’t and told him that I appreciated him more for noticing all the right things. This conversation wasn’t really going any place for me because I was quickly bored. After that I went to leave but for some reason decided to go through notes from a future reading I’d had done not that long ago.

Most of the time, when I get these new age entertainment readings I usually forget everything that was said but this is the one that’s been spot on for a long time now. The one that said it would bring all this luck and happiness to myself and another if we were to be together. I went back through all their stuff and everything that’s happened in the last few months was totally predicted, for both of us. I also know the “outcome” of some bad luck but only if “certain things happen” blah. I like and hate this because as much as you can give it as much or as little merit as you want, this truth of what’s happened so far can not be denied. There’s a certain point where coincidence doesn’t really apply anymore. There is actually a sort of pseudoscience to all this astrology and other new age practices. My ex was part Cherokee Indian and he really believed in all these things. He’d done a peyote sweat thing, knew his spirit animal and got his readings done by gypsies.

Then, not too long ago, I mean a female fifth generation Shaman who’s also a Catholic. We’ve had many conversations about both of these ideas conflicting with one another. She’s pretty amazing and gift and strangely has also had the same stuff to say as what I’d already heard. At this point, it’s about asking the same question, getting told the answer is always the same but never being happy with it… or something like that.

So basically my life is like this, I know what I want to happen, I know what is supposed to happen and I know what should happen to make two people very happy and very lucky but since I don’t actually believe in that future I try to fight it all the time. It’s as if I’m pushing then pulling my way through a perceived future that feels like it’s no longer in my hands because all the fighting that I’m doing brings me back to the same person every. single. time. I’ve tried to purge this person. I’ve tried to just go about my day but somehow something pulls us back. Just like the fact that we were pulled back into each others lives after 20 plus years. Effing weird, is my life most of the time. Also, how do you tell someone that doesn’t believe in this stuff, “Hey your life sucks because of this reason and here’s how you fix it.” Especially when they don’t want that future anyway. You’d assume that enough history that’s been predicted and proven would but no. Not to some.

I feel like I need to have a very large martini for dinner. I usually never feel like that.

Hope you are all having a great day and if any of you go have a drink, have an extra one for me as well. Thanks.

Choices By: Nero

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Answered Prayers and Altered Realities…

Why is it that when I pray about or for someone else God seems to hear me but when I pray about myself, nothing seems to change? Now that I’ve asked that I’ll ask this. Who do you pray for and what do you pray about? This is a strange topic for me, being that I’m not religious but I’ll answer those latter questions that I’ve asked of you. I pray for world peace. Just kidding. Beauty contestants do that enough for all of us. I pray for my BFF, that she stay well, be happy and make the right decisions in her life. I pray for my niece, that she be healthy, happy and safe. I pray for my friend that seems to always be on the wrong path of life. I pray that he finds peace, happiness and that he finds acceptance with his state of mind and that he lives a great life. That being said, I prayed for a few different things for him last night and at least one of them appears to have come to fruition today. Not sure I had anything to do with it but still. I always wonder what they all pray for. It’s always seemed a bit strange that right before you go into bed, you kneel, clasp your hands together and talk to someone that you can only have faith is listening to you. I suppose it brings comfort and some sort of clarity once the words pass your lips but it’s still strange none-the-less.

Today has been strange in all parts. My ex was being a bit of a brat today. We watched John Wick over the weekend and there’s a scene in there with a puppy. If you’ve seen it then you know what I’m talking about but it had me crying like a broken water faucet. Here’s the thing, I don’t cry. Very few people have witnessed this and I didn’t think I would have but it came out and he’s not let me forget it since. Any normal human should have cried over that. But regardless, he’s annoyed me and we were supposed to watch the meteor shower Thursday but I told him I couldn’t because I had to work. That seems to be my “go-to” excuse these days when I’m just not feeling it. Instead, I’d still like to watch it but I’m in need of having something let me sleep a few hours, wake me at 3 in the morning so we can watch for a few hours then go back to sleep for a while and wake me back up with a lot of coffee. I need to be rich so I can afford to pay someone to do that. I don’t usually stay mad for long so he might get to take me out Sunday, to the movies, like we’d planned. We shall see.

Even before all that annoyance though I was woken up by my “brother from another mother” who lives in the east coast, DC, New York, I don’t even know anymore but he was asking when I was coming to visit him. He’s offered an expense paid vacation and I really need to go see him. It’s a business expense for him so that’s a bonus but I need to get the hell outta here for a while. Go somewhere. Do something new. This town and these people are boring me so much right now. I’m not looking forward to anything and that’s a problem. When that happens I tend to get antsy and start looking for homes and jobs in random cities. One day I’ll actually do it. I don’t think there’s anything left here for me. It would be different if some of the extremely vivid dreams I’ve been having would come true but they are not and my mind feels heavy. I feel the need to have someone perform a trepanation on me. As they say, this too shall pass, I hope.

After that this morning, I found out my ex FWB went to save a friend of his that was getting beaten her boyfriend and they got into this fight where he (the ex FWB) actually didn’t hit back. His daughter was in the room and he didn’t want her to see that side of him. He’s a tall, buff guy. Back in the day he used to be a fighter and could probably take on anyone but he’s grown up and realized that he never wanted his daughter to meet that side of him. I have much respect for him for so many things that happened last night and now the poor guy is staying in a hotel because he’s new third wife is insane and he’s probably going to get a divorce, again. What a weird set of events that occurred for him. He’s a really sweet guy, never was too terribly smart though but he seems to have grown up a lot from the guy I met years ago. Good for him.

There’s a bunch of other stuff that happened that brings the scale of weird way past where it should be but the truth is, I’m so tired tonight I don’t even want to rehash it all. I guess you could say that I’m in a weird mood tonight. I will say this though, after seeing the temperature earlier and the “feels like” at 115 it’s nice to hear the pitter-patter of the rain drops tonight. It’s a bit comforting. Apparently comfort is what I’ve been searching for lately as I’m not getting it anywhere. I’m not sure I’ve ever really had it much. I’ve also never really confided in anyone. Well, not the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Who actually wants one person to know that much about you though? It seems like such a weapon that you hand over, freely. Maybe that’s the wrong approach. I don’t know anymore. I told you I was in a weird mood today, tonight. This blog is my outlet and hopefully it won’t use any of my truth against me at a later time.

I’m going to, hopefully, go to sleep soon as my dreams are much better than my reality right now. Hope you all had a great day. Maybe I’ll bathe this mood off me. Good Night.

Sleep To Dream By: Fiona Apple