Sexiness, Insecurities and Dreams…

My GBF and I spent last night texting back and forth about what we think is sexy about guys. His response was “Eyes, Hair, Veins, Personality and Sense of Humor”. I agreed with for the most part except “veins”. Really? But to each person sexy is much different.

So, I’m completely obsessed with Big Brother and it’s my ex’s (coworkers) fault. He got me into it years ago and I was hooked because it’s, to me, about watching humans interact and their game play and their mannerisms. This season there was this really sexy guy on the show until he started to be an asshole and I just wanted him booted off then. He was no longer eye candy because his attitude made him look disgusting to me.

When it comes to what’s actually sexy to me though my first answer was eyes. But obviously not just having them works for me. They have to look into my soul. That’s hard to find. Some guys look creepy when they’re trying to stare at you. That’s not what I want. After that, physically would be arms. I love a good arm. One that’s strong and I can picture caressing my face, pinning me down or wrapping around me oh and also slapping my ass. Hair, don’t really care about when it’s on their head or not. I’m not a fan of a hairy chest at all. I like smooth.

When it comes to their personality they have to have substance. This means they don’t talk about cars, money or chicks ALL THE TIME cause that’s a turnoff. Talk about life and dreams and cool shit. Challenge my way of thinking. Dig into your soul and tell me something beautiful. They have to make me laugh and I’m not easily humored. However, if they do make me laugh they’ll get a genuine laugh not a fake one.

Aside from those things I look for weird things. Maybe not weird but different. I think almost any man is at his sexiest wearing a white button down shirt, black pants and barefoot. No clue why that’s the sexiest but I’ve always loved that look. I think it’s sexy when a guy grazes the back of his fingers on my lips. The forehead on forehead thing will get me every time too. A man taking control but still in a sweet way. When a guy notices something that I would have bet money on that they wouldn’t or when he says something that I’ve said a while back I’m always happily surprised. When a guy sings even if he sounds terrible and also introduces me to new music…. Love that!

But with all that above said there’s still got to be something else. I’ve seen people that I thought were sexy and the littles thing changes my opinion. For instance, I used to think Matthew McConaughey was so sexy until I met him and he was just drunk and handsy and kinda gross. Never looked the same after that. That was pre-marriage and kids though.

I guess it just boils down to how they make me feel. I don’t know any human that feels sexy all the time. I mean, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. When I actually think I’m being sexy is when I usually fall down or spill something. There’s days I don’t think my hair, makeup, skin, body look great but on those days it’s a “fake it till you make it” situation. If a guy can make me feel sexy or wanted or desired then that’s reflected and then in return I will make them feel desired and sexy.

These are all the reasons I love my dreams because for some reason they’re either very spiritual and help me workout some sort of issue I’m having OR they are super vivid and sexual. I have the craziest dreams that leave me hot and bothered for hours after I’ve woken up. A lot of times they’ll continue for days or weeks. As soon as my head hits the pillow and I start to dream it just continues from the night before. It’s been pretty cool. On a good night I can control them. I learned this technique about how to access your dreams and since then they’re just like an awesome mini-series. Weird, I know.

Right now, I’m “working” and on a Rihanna kick and listening to her while sparsely dancing around while doing chores. It’s a strange day that started out with an early morning workout and drive around town. Then I just felt like coming home and writing for a minute. On that drive around town I’d heard one of the songs on my “sexy mix”. I have a favorites, workout and sexy playlist and they’re constantly being added to. But I’ll leave you with this song today and might write later if the mood hits me. Hope you’re having a great day.

25 Random Facts from my Rambling Brain…

1 – My hair has been every color of the rainbow and then some. It’s going back to some semblance of my original color, if I can remember what this is but I miss my blonde hair. It was empowering.

2 – I hate social media with a passion because it brings about insecurities in me that I don’t like. People choose to show you what they want to show you and not much is actual reality. I, however, am addicted to pinterest and flipboard yet knowingly pin and flip things that I know I’ll never do which in turn perpetuates the cycle of me not finishing things that I want to.

3 – My father owned a chain of video stores in the 80’s and 90’s and I have yet to see the majority of the classics because I was too into watching some weird avant garde movie.

4 – Most days, regardless of the fact that I like who I am, I feel disconnected in my own skin. I wake up feeling “unpretty” or worn out through life’s experiences. I wake unsure that this was the life that was planned out for me and often wonder if my Grandmother would be disappointed in my choices.

5 – I do business in two ways. I either flirt my way into getting something that I want or I become the strong woman that I know I am. Logically I know that the latter is better; however, the first is more fun. While doing the flirting I usually flirt myself exhausted and end up not giving a shit about flirting on date nights.

6 – I hate messes and disarray yet my home is a disaster. I’d like to become a minimalist but I like shoes, makeup and jewelry way too much. And I keep strange reminders of time. Napkins, matchbooks and movie ticket stubs fill my memory box so I can remember the moment not the movie later.

7 – I hate authority figures and being told what to do. Yesterday, my boss yelled at me “in email form” for not doing something he’d asked me to do. So I yelled back at him, same form, because I thought his way was stupid and he apologized to me. I felt a sense of power and pride about that. I was never really “parented” when I was young so being told what to do now just feels strange.

8 – On the weekends I don’t charge my phone overnight. I let it die then watch as the texts or calls come in all in unison as I finally charge my phone sometime the next day. I got tired of hearing bad news or receiving “booty call” texts at 3 in the morning. There’s usually nothing good that comes from a text or phone call after midnight.

9 – I went to modeling school when I was an early teenager. I did one print ad for some long gone retailer when I was around 12. This was around the time I was a cheerleader. None of that was what I wanted to do. A friend of my parents wanted me to so I did. I still felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and it didn’t last longer, certainly not as long as the drugs. Regardless of how I feel in my own skin, I never want to be a stick figure. I’d strive for a Marilyn figure verse a Barbie figure any day.

10 – I was also in band, choir, Spanish, French, on the tennis team, on the volleyball team, in dance and theater when I was in school. My parents didn’t know any of that. They never saw a play, a game or concert I was in.

11 – I can’t roller skate or ice skate. I have horrible balance and it shocks me that I can wear the shoes I do sometimes without falling on my ass.

12 – My ex boyfriend made me a mix flash drive months ago but I won’t go get it because I’m afraid that I’ll just be so exhausted that I’ll say “yes” to him because I’m so tired of waiting or because I’m afraid that he’ll drug me and I’ll be his captor for years until I escape and end up 60 Minutes one day.

13 – My favorite part of me is my eyes. I love their color, green and I like what they’ve seen through the years. I also like that, with 99% of people, they can stare right into a persons soul.

14 – I drive, endlessly, some nights when I don’t want to be home alone. I take the same course and listen to music loudly. I ignore texts and calls so that I can be alone, on a dark road with my thoughts.

15 – I hate when people “infer” or “hint” at things. Come out and say what’s on your mind, what you want or what you need. There’s no harm in asking but be honest.

16 – I don’t have a real and true “in case of emergency person”. My best friend is my beneficiary but she’s 2.5 hours away. If something bad was to happen to me right now, I have no idea who I’d call.

17 – I hate that the art of letter writing is dead and that I have contributed to that. There’s nothing more special than a hand written note, card or even scrap of paper to show someone that you care.

18 – I am allergic to amoxicillin, a variety of pesticide that is used in Saudi Arabia and human emotions. I like to deflect feelings with sarcasm, humor and by going deaf for a short amount of time.

19 – I hate smoking but I do it anyway. It’s an escape from stressful situations, it gets me out of feeling uncomfortable and it’s a habit. If I woke up one day and never had the urge again, I’d be happy. It tastes disgusting, smells worse and of course there’s the unhealthy habit part also.

20 – My favorite time of day is around midnight especially when it’s raining during that time of year when it’s warm with a cool breeze during the day but cold at night.

21 – I don’t take near enough pictures as I should. I usually think I don’t look good enough to remember years from now and because I don’t always like to remember how I felt when the picture was taken. I’ll go to my grave with my memories not my photos.

22 – I’ve never met half my family. I found out when I was an early adult that I even had more family than I thought I’d had. I’ve never met my father’s father but have wanted to send him a strongly worded letter telling him he’s a piece of shit for years.

23 – I think people are way too dependent on instant gratification. We expect everything right now and our way. There’s a lost art of courting, romance and getting to know someone because social media has made it too easy to just “jump right on in there”. No one leaves anything to the imagination and it’s made true relationships a mess of passive aggressive, trivial, jealous bullshit.

24 – I yearn for a relationship based on trust, honesty, a bit of romance, thinking outside the box and of mutual respect. I want someone to come home to, to tell my day to. Someone that asks questions and waits for responses. A guy who can say “God bless you” after a sneeze, open a door and make you believe you’re pretty even when you feel like crap. A man that betters you, shows you that things will be ok and that wants to make plans with you for the future. A man with an old soul but a childlike self. Someone with the strength that you find wilted in yourself. Someone that can kiss your forehead with care, kiss your lips with passion and kiss your cheek with purpose.

25 – I secretly like to share all kinds of random things with all of you.

Hope you’re having a great weekend. Share some things of yourself.

-marks

66ac