Imagine This… A meaningful quote with a side of signs.

A while back I was perusing this site Tiny Buddha Site and came across this piece of wisdom:

“Imagine This: If you had $84,400 in your account and someone stole $10.00 from you, would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person who took your $10.00? Or move on and live? Right, move on a dn live. See, we have 86,400 seconds each day. Don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the remaining 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that.”

Even though we all knew that… Isn’t it more powerful spelled out like that? That stuck in my mind since I saw it. It’s even better when something comes to you at a time of much needed contemplation anyway. Like today, or tonight…

Before leaving for a nice dinner I had an even better workout. It was one of those workouts that I was almost in pain but I didn’t want to stop so it turned into an almost hour and half of intense awesomeness. That makes me happy for so many reasons but one of those is that when I run or walk it gives me time to think.

If you read my posts you’ll already know just how much I’m into signs. The problem with signs though is that they are never what you want, nor expect. I heard once, somewhere, that the universe or God first whispers in your ear. If you don’t pay attention you get a tiny pebble thrown at you in hopes of you picking up that sign… If you are STILL not listening then you get a brick thrown at your head. I am someone who’s had to have a lot of bricks thrown at me.

Let me explain my type of situation… This is a scenario of something that could possibly happen to me as things similar have:
– I’d get five flyers in my mailbox that had something to do with my car. Ignore them all. That’s the whisper.
– Then I’d have someone I knew have something happen to their car and in the same instance they’d say something like, “You should get your car checked out. This should be a lesson to you. That would be the pebble.
– I’d run out of gas or my check engine light comes on and my car stops on the freeway… That would be the brick.

So my point being is we all get some sort of signs in our lives leading up to what our next “step” or “stage” should be… It’s just whether or not we actually choose to listen to it. Recently I have had that happen. It was a health thing but I pretty much had the whisper, the pebble, the brick and finally a freight train barrel toward me before I finally listened.

Since I’m trying to meditate more now, which actually just turns into sessions of me thinking too much, I realized that there’s been a few instances of this lately. First instance was this health issue which I finally listen to. The second, which I have not listened to just yet is this place where I live. There have been signs that I shouldn’t be here for years but yet I stay.

Mostly my reasons for not moving are because moving sucks. I live 5 miles from work which would be about 25 minutes to bike there once I get my new bike but it’s also because I have way too much shit. Lastly, It’s because I’ve always thought that I’d leave here when I would be moving in with someone else.

That last thought brought me to another “Sign” that I’ve been ignoring. Staying in this town I’m in. The reasons why I’ve stayed here so long, I used to feel, they outweighed the bad. That is not the case and I don’t think it’s been the case for sometime now.

Reason 1: My job – I’ve been here for almost 18 years… That’s a long fucking time. I make decent money but it’s not challenging. It’s not fun and I work for an asshole who is more selfish than anyone else I know which just makes me want to dick punch him all the time. That’s not a good place that I want to be in.

Reason 2: The friends – This one is a bit strange because I realized that when my brother threw me a surprise party the hotel room that he bought for the night held about 10% of the people that I actually spend my time with. I have friends everywhere in all my little worlds so I can move wherever and I’d still be spending time with people that I shared history with.

Reason 3: I like this city. Most of the people that I know who’ve moved away don’t appreciate this city because they lived a sheltered life and never ventured out much. I’m not saying this is a perfect place but it’s got some great qualities.

Reason 4: I was far enough from my family that I didn’t need to see them all the time but was still close enough to get there if needed.

Reason 5: THE friend. Yep, it absolutely sucks to admit that I’ve stayed here longer than I ever wanted to because of THE friend. Some convoluted part of my brain thought that the longer I stayed here the more potential he’d have to realize just how awesome we’d be together. That occurred somewhere in my subconscious because my conscious thought always knew the reality of “us”. That reality has just become so loud in my mind and I’m not ok being stuck in this weird, boring, limbo rut that we’re in as friends. I’m not ok with any of it.

The problem with reason 5, in the past, has been that all the “signs” were pointing to a much different future for us. I wanted to believe in those signs so badly that I’d miss anything else. My mind is much more open to receiving now and it’s sees things in an entirely different way. I stopped reading the signs how I wanted to interpret them and finally l saw what I was meant to see which means I was finally ready to see it.

So the moral of the story here is a few things. First, don’t let someone else’s 10 minutes of shit kill the rest of your 86,390 minutes of a day. Second, watch out and listen for signs. Pay attention before you get freight trained. Lastly, when the reasons stay become so much less than the reasons to leave then it’s time to go.

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Waiting… yet again, for something we all deserve.

This week has been a strange one already. Aside from work driving me crazy, my ex that I work with and I have had to do a bunch of personal stuff for my boss who’s on his millionth vacation this year. At least him being away gives us the power to come and go as we please. That takes away a bit of stress. But next week he’s going to have a shock to the system when we (my ex and I) both go in to his office and demand a difference.

His favorite phrase since this whole new change at the office is “Wait till the smoke clears. Everything will be great.” Problem with this is, not only has the smoke not cleared but it feels like Hiroshima. I even went as far as making a humor t-shirt that depicted the boss drinking a margarita saying everything will be fine on the front while on the back was an actual picture of Hiroshima and the quote “While in the real world” above. We presented it to him before his vacation and instead of understanding our point he just narcissisticlly smiled at the fact that he now had a t-shirt with his photo on it. I really need less narcissistic people in my life.

Aside from that I also had another go in the surgical chair for three and a half hours. That is way to long to be awake at all for something that painful and again against everyone else’s better judgement I drove home afterward. I really shouldn’t have but when I got here THE friend was here making himself at home. That made me feel better except when I thanked him for staying he promptly stated that he really only stayed cause he was lazy and it had nothing to do with me… Yet again proving that my company doesn’t make a difference. That’s one he really could have just lied about.

Today I’d decided I was going to call an old friend to see if he could get me tickets to Guns N Roses this Friday. I’d been planning on going for a while but never got around to getting tickets assuming they’d just fall into my lap if I was meant to go. When I did, I realized I hadn’t talked to him in a while and of course he wanted to “get together”. I told him that wasn’t a good idea because I’m not doing that with just anybody anymore and if that was his caveat then I’d just miss the show. The moment I said no he seemed to have lost all sweetness because he said, “I thought we had a good thing”. (Please read that in a dopey voice). All I could think of saying was, “Are you kidding me? Is getting your rocks off that important to you cause that’s all it was”. However, I didn’t say that at all. I could have also said, “Look you little f*cker! I helped start your business, and did a shitload for you and this is how you repay me.” But I didn’t say that either.

The point is I’m tired of being around selfish, narcissistic assholes that honestly can’t see any other wants or needs than their own. I’m tired of making sure everyone else is taken care of and that everyone else has what they need before I get anything. I’m tired of getting treated as an ATM, a grocery store or a whore. That’s the bottom line. Is anyone else capable of doing something that isn’t somewhat selfish? While it’s possible that I’m in pain, in a mood and hormonal it is also possible that these are the times that I speak the most truth.

My friend, the Shaman, always said to write out what I want in that moment so that the universe hears me. So here is my “want” right now. I want someone to wake up to that sweet, kind and gives a shit about my feelings, my desires and MY wants. I want someone in my life who speaks in honesty, with kind words and who leaves beautiful footprints on my soul and not shoe scuffs on my heart. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have someone actually treat me like a princess for just one evening. I’m not delusional enough to want that every single day but once in a while is deserved.

It seems as though the most honest, loyal and mutual relationship I have is with my ex that I work with. He’s the first boy that I was ever in love with and we have a great relationship. We joke with each other, confide in each other, truth each other and have each others back. We give each other honest but kind advice. There’s fun sexual banter thrown around but it’s harmless and we respect each other. I don’t want anything else from him and vice versa.

Now, if I could duplicate that type of relationship with the comfort I feel with THE friend and find someone who treats me the way I should be treated, then I’d have the perfect boy. The problem is I’ve got all these assholes in the path to finding something better. When I ask for surprises, and hugs and kisses it’s never too much to ask. And it’s also not like I’m out there in the real world obsessed in finding someone but I’m almost at the point where I’d rather be completely alone that feel lonely in others company.

I don’t know who else to phrase the same prayer that I need someone in my life to make me feel something other than shit. I need some sort of a sign that things will get better other than a psychic friend who tells me things that I no longer yearn to hear because it’s all shit. It’s all false hope and I’m done today. I’m aware that if you all had a $1.00 for each time I said I was done then you’d all be rich right now but you have no idea how close I am to this. Life would just be a little sweeter with someone that I can be with that gets to be treated the way that I want to treat them. There’s so much more kindness, love and compassion and fun in me to show the right person.

So, I guess I leave one more prayer tonight: I pray that God show me a sign that there is someone that’s been worth the wait and that there has been a reason why it’s never worked out with anyone else and that it’s not my fault that I passed up some pretty amazing men in my past. I pray that he just bring a man that treats me even better than I think I deserve to be treated.

And that’s all folks, for tonight.
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Signs of maturity and other things I’ve learned…

As I grow older there’s things that show signs of growing up, not just growing up but maturing. The first and foremost thing is the acceptance of responsibility. Basically owning up to your wrongs without hesitation and without excuses and apologizing. I you eff up, say you’re sorry and prove it from that point on that you are sorry. Don’t make the same mistakes twice. Another sign of maturing is letting go of anger, resentment, jealous and realizing what is right in front of you and what you actually have instead of coveting someone else’s anything.

In the same token you also have to be willing to understand others, understand their flaws, accept them for who they are and move on. This does not mean that you have to keep them in your life especially if they’ve harmed you in anyway but you can at least learn to let go of the negativity. Don’t judge anyone. Don’t speak badly of anyone and don’t flaunt yourself or your belongings with the intent to make others want your life. I think all that is shallow and leaves no room for a true existence.

I thought about all this today because someone sent me this… “The older you get, the more you realize that it isn’t about material things, or pride or ego. It’s about our hearts and who they beat for.” This quote couldn’t be any more true today. I’m not perfect and I have a hard time letting go of the things that hurt me the most. It’s true. I’m working on that. I’m also working on making amends for the things that I’ve done wrong and no I’m not in some 12-step anything. I just figure that I can complain about my life and where it is right now if I don’t change anything in it.

I’ve had another eye-opening predictable weekend. But I suppose that predictable is good because as much as there were no good surprises, there were also no bad ones either. It’s been very low-key. But it’s been the weekend that I needed. A busy week ahead with half of it planned out already, I really hope that my new normal starts to feel ok soon.

I hope you’ve all had a great weekend and have a great week. Good night.

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Competitions and contemplation…

I’ve had an interesting, relaxing, weekend. Friday night I was supposed to go out to dinner but my ex said he needed some paperwork notarized and asked if he could come by. I told him, as long as he didn’t eff with my Friday afternoon nap I’d be fine with it… Didn’t realize he’d have stayed the whole weekend. :-/ But with that said, it was completely platonic… Mostly. I slept through dinner Friday after taking the longest nap in history and woke with the door bell ringing around 9ish. He was nice enough to have brought a dinner he’d cooked especially for me so we ate that first. After that I told him he’d need to sit tight and watch TV as I needed to get a workout in.

These workouts are where the competition come in. One of the greatest inventions in my life has been the fitbit. I’ve probably gone through at least ten, losing some, breaking some. But on the app itself I’ve got a bunch of family and friends on there and we do competitions every work week and each weekend. I was destined to beat them this week AND weekend so I’ve been walking, jogging and running since last Sunday. I enjoy it so it’s all in fun plus there’s some pretty humorous banter on the app as well between all parties involved. I didn’t win but I did put up some of my biggest numbers ever which I’m excited about.

Back to the ex though, so he got into some TV when I was working out, then it got late and he’d had a bit too much wine. I told him he could stay but nothing was going to happen. I don’t even know if that bothered him, he was so tired. We then, finally hit the bed around 3:30 am. It was nice to have a warm body next to me and I made sure that nothing was going to happen by not having any protection in the home. The strange little things I do to keep myself out of trouble.

Saturday morning comes around and we just lazily got out of bed and made coffee. In a short amount of time, with him, we’ve become very succinct, it’s been nice to have that again. He then sat around while I worked out, yet again. We’d gotten into a show on Showtime (I think) and got really into it but I’d had dinner plans with some girl friends so I told him he could stay BUT he couldn’t watch any without me. I have no idea what he did while I was gone. I think he took a nap though. I was gone for a few hours then got back home, took the pants off and just got cozy on the couch and watched more of the show with him. I was sure by today he’d be ready to go home but after another platonic night in bed, having a nice warm body next to me I started contemplating this shit again. Is this supposed to be THE relationship? Truth is, I’m just really sick and tired of dating. I’ve been doing it way too long. So, we don’t have that wicked crazy connection. Lately, I don’t have that with anyone so maybe it was just a figment of my imagination. Maybe I’ve just been on a long acid trip for the last almost two years. If all the guys that I’ve “interviewed” lately said that they realized their wives were just the one person that they were the most comfortable with then why can’t I get to that too. If I choose this path, I could be married and have a family within a year. He’s been talking about moving to Bali and setting up a little business there. That would be nice. I wish this shit was easier. If I really felt like he was the one then I suppose I’d have already said yes and I would have no been ok with a completely platonic weekend.

By the time this morning rolled around and he was already up and making coffee I was ready for some peace and quiet. I was ready for him to be gone already. So, I lied. I told him I had to work and he’d have to go home which he did and I’ve had my workout, my peace and quiet and my contemplation. As the saying goes, with this one, I’ll have to shit or get off the pot soon enough. He’s a really good guy, with good intentions and he’s stable. Yet again, I am faced with the idea that I could either do this with him or wait until when? Is it fair to pick someone that’s not your first choice because you don’t want to be single forever? Is it more fair if you’re honest with him about it? This is where I need my sign.

I’ve written about this before but since I deleted it I’ll say it again. When there’s something that God needs to tell you he first whispers it in your ear. If you don’t listen (which most of us don’t) then he throws a pebble at you. If, after that, you’re still not listening to him then he chunks a brick at your effing head. I’ve had lots of bricks to my head and apparently this decision is no different. I either need a sign that he’s the one or that there’s someone else that’s supposed to be with me. I’m not only exhausted at dating but I’m exhausted with the idea of some sort of clock running out on finding someone to be happy with. I’ve never been happy with any time frame and this is no different but I just want to move on past this. This feels like such a consuming issue with me.

I’ve ended the evening with a bath, more exercise and some decent TV. Thank goodness for HBO. When I finally decide to make it into my bed, I’m wondering if it’ll feel very empty tonight. Two nights with a warm body next to me and the curtains opened to drown in the morning sun. I’m wondering if I’ll miss it. I guess we’ll have to see. Hope you all had a great weekend. Good night.

My song for the evening.
Burn That Broken Bed By: Calexico and Iron and Wine