True Confessions… Time for some telling tales.

Strange things go through your mind while about to have a knife cut into you for surgical purpose, or for any purpose I suppose. For some reason from then through today my mind has been invaded by these weird confessional thoughts or maybe just some realizations about my past or present. So, it’s now time to share those wondering thoughts with all of your because, well, you all already know I’m a bit crazy.

It’s now time to pull up a chair, pour a glass of wine, turn the lights down low and…. fuck it. These will get weird. Probably.

When I was 7 my brother and I found exlax and just like kids we assumed that it was chocolate. My mother has never purchased any since that day, nor have I and I can’t blame her for that.

When I was 9 I thought that Vaseline was hair gel and before anyone else makes that mistake let me just say that it takes days of hair washing to get that shit out.

When I was 10 my brother had a friend stay over and we got along really well. I didn’t want him to leave so I thought that if I hid his shoe he’d never leave. (Kids brains are dumb at times) When he couldn’t find it his father was so angry at him. It was years later when I found out that his father was an abusive asshole and that he probably got hit for that at 12 years old. That’s the story I’ve never forgiven myself for.

My father was an alcoholic monster and my boyfriends hated him. One night, my ex peed in his gas tank. I never found out if anything happened to my dads car or not.

I’m never not in the mood 😉 There’s been times when I’m too sick to eat that I’ll still “take care of myself”… My boyfriends have never minded.

One of my biggest fantasies is having sex in the elevator of a hotel that I’m not staying at. A nice ritzy hotel.

When my BFF lived with me I was bulimic. She decided to treat me to a really fancy dinner one night but as soon as we pulled into my driveway afterward I puked everything up. That’s the day she made me get help. I still purge occasionally. No one knows that.

I racked up a large credit card bill once and took an old engagement ring to sell it thinking it was worth a few hundred dollars. It was actually worth $10,000.00. I got $8,000.00 for it and paid a lot of bills off.

My parents never cared where I was when I was younger. I would stay at friends houses when I was 14/15ish for days, weeks and they never looked for me. When my BFF moved in when she and I were both 18 they started making us “check in” at 11 every night. I was always was too fucked up so I made her do it every single night.

My “Shaman friend” has literally been right about everything so far and if that’s the case then what comes next in my life will be pretty magical, for me and for whoever gets to spend that time with me.

I still think about running away every single day. I just don’t talk about it as much these days.

When I’m really really bored I put out an ad on craigslist for men to send me their fantasies. Within hours I’ll usually get a hundred or so and most of them are so bad or boring that I wonder why I even did it.

I stopped doing my #jarchallenge because when I’d go back and read all of the post-it’s they were all about THE friend and I need to stop with all that.

Having the job I have I’m around money all the time. Lots of money but I’ve never had the desire to steal it. Even when someone drops a penny I give it back to them because I’m afraid that karma will come back ten fold.

Sometimes I think God didn’t give me the perfect body because he knew I’d be a high class escort or because he knew unless I worked my ass off for it, I’d never appreciate it. Probably the second.

Speaking of THE friend…

This whole “minor surgery thing” was not something I really told anyone about. When THE friend found out he said it bothered him that I didn’t tell him things like that. That felt good that it did but I didn’t tell him because I just assumed he’d not care. Funny how that works. And actually I wish that he’d actually articulated why it bothered him that I didn’t tell him that.

Normally, when no one is home except me, I keep the temperature around 75 but when THE friend is here I turn it down to 72 for two reasons. First, it allows me to bundle myself and my insecurities in a soft blanket that I believe to be my invisibility cloak. Second, I secretly hope that it makes him want to cuddle at some point. The latter never happens anymore.

The friend does some of the weirdest, grossest things sometimes and I wonder if he realizes that it might take a very long time for another woman to not be turned OFF by those things. Either that or I’m just terribly used to all of it by now. Yes, folks, the magic is gone… It’s left the building. There’s no trying to impress, there’s no holding back, there’s pretty much nothing left to look forward to at this point… And this is why I am moving on. Because it’s totally unfair to be that enamored by another human who feels nothing for you. Sad face.

THE friend has left his Facebook signed in on more than one occasion on my computer. When I realize that I immediately log off and delete all signs of it for two reasons. First, I very much value someone’s privacy and two because I’m terrified to find out all the other women he spends his time with that get so much more than me who’ve given him less than half of anything that I have given to him.

I probably spend 100-200 a month extra on groceries that I would never have in my house but it’s for THE friend because sometimes I think he only comes by to eat and watch TV.

There are way more weird things and secrets up in my head floating around but that’s all I can think of enough to straighten them out for human consumption. I’ve put these out so that maybe that’ll make some room in my head for other things.

Hope you’re all having a great week. P.S. I miss eating solid food.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 16.

1. No complaining. I’m changing this to just finding one thing about today was the best part.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. My one good thing today was talking to my BFF for about two hours.
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and five minutes.
4. Eat healthy – Check however I did eat a cookie but I’m ok with that. It was just one.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

Today, I’m in a bit of a strange mood. I was perfectly fine after work but then I talked with my BFF about what’s going on in her life. I feel bad that I can’t fix the bad parts for her. I guess if I’m not perfect I’ll try my hardest to fix everyone else around me. I know I can’t do that either.

Some days I feel like Dorthy who needs to take all my friends to the wizard to get “fixed”. I’d take my BFF to get healthy. I’d take my GBF to get a normal relationship of equal love and care. Lastly, I’d take THE friend to get courage. I’m not sure what I’d ask for… love, a soulmate, maybe nothing. Right now the only thing that I want is a rainy day, someone to cuddle with and someone that asks me how my day was and actually wants me to answer that.

Actually, I think right now, I just want a secret relationship. My friends would probably say that I have those a lot but I haven’t had one in a while. I want to be with someone that’s with me when they’re with me and when we’re not it doesn’t matter. What we’d have is just ours for those moments we’re together. Why is that so intriguing to me? I do love my secrets. There’s some sort of intimacy about something being between just two people and no one else knowing… I like that. Call me crazy.

So I guess that’s what I’d ask for from the wizard right now. That would bring me some happiness. What would you ask for? Where would your yellow brick road lead you?

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day Two.

The Challenge:

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. I didn’t complain – Check. I have had several good moments today. First, I’ve got tickets to four concerts in the next few months which I’m so excited about. Second, something that I was dreading wasn’t that bad at all. Lastly, the weather was beautiful today.
2. No spending money unnecessarily – Check. Saving up for my “running to somewhere” fantasy. 🙂
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour today until I almost fell down from weak legs. That makes me happy.
4. Eat healthy fives days a week – Half Check – I need to improve on this drastically but it wasn’t horrible. It just wasn’t as healthy as I’d like. I’ll get there though.
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week – Check. I have actually declined invitations knowing that I wouldn’t be able to get in my workout so I can absolutely check this off today.

So, today was a decent day that ended on a higher note than expected. That might be because I’m not complaining about anything. For the remainder of the evening I am going to finish up some other “to do” list that I’ve created, watch some TV and shop for a Mother’s Day gift and mom’s birthday since they are on the same day this year.

Here’s my final thought for the day though… Secrets. Is it possible to have a secret that some might consider so big and not tell anyone even though you think about it a lot? I had this one secret that I hated to have kept and for some reason I told my friend in the northeast the other day. I think I’d just reached a point where it had to come out. It was about a boy from a long long time ago and we were talking about growing up together and the people we knew. The funny thing there is that THE friend wasn’t brought up at all. It’s as if we talked about everyone except. I’m not sure why that is. He and I never discuss THE friend though. It’s almost as if he’s a taboo topic which neither of us dare bring up or because he has no idea that we even spend time together. The latter might be the case more so.

But back to secrets. So the one I told my friend the other night was something that had always bothered me. It was basically an innocent action of a young girl that had a horrible effect on an older boy. I realize that sounds ominous but I’m not sure that I’m ready to have that action here forever yet. But that’s not even my biggest secret. The one that I hold affects no one but me. Actually that’s probably not true. It would affect a lot of people but it’s an extremely personal one.

So, I guess my question is this. If you have a secret that you feel guilty over or one that you think about a lot. Is it ok to keep in inside your own head? Do you have to share it? I think that I’d shock a lot of people with it but it would also explain a lot of things about me… To keep or not to keep. That is the question. Maybe it’s a thing that I should only tell my therapist and no, I wasn’t born a man and I’m not harboring dead bodies. It’s nothing like that.

Oh well, that’s a whole other conversation about a whole other thing. My day will soon be complete. Good night to you all.

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The Power of THAT Word… and what I need right now.

This week has been a strange one again. I’m still sad and can’t seem to fix this. It’s no one else’s place to but I do wish that I had the strength to ask for help. I’m not sure what I would be asking them for right now specifically. I do know that I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I think it’s an accumulation of a lot of things but things that I can’t articulate right now.

The week started with a long email at work from my ex. I’ve not been texting him back for a while now and he knows why but this was an emotional email. He basically said that he’d been fighting with being lonely and depressed for such a long time and didn’t see hope until he and I started talking again. He said that it felt like fate that we were back in each others lives again and then he said something that I didn’t realize that I’d longed to hear for such a long time but not from him. He’d said, “I’m still in love with you.” Right words, wrong man. 

For such a large portion of my life I’ve pushed those words away so far and it almost hurt to hear. Whether it was “I love You” or “I’m in love with you” I just couldn’t bare to have those words hit me. But for some reason, I realized that I NEED to hear those words right now. I usually don’t have much of a reply or any at all and the only person that I actually can muster the words to say back is to my BFF but I HAVE TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.

I’d realized that for a split second, those words, that word has so much power over me and I’d probably do anything for that person who says that right now. In that second, I second guessed my judgement to not give him a chance. I quickly realized that I don’t want to be with him and even suggesting it for a second would be horrible of me to do to him. I don’t want to be with him and I’m not even sure I care to have his energy in my world right now, or ever again.

People say that you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy by yourself. Well, I’ve made an art form out of being by myself. In a crowded room I can still be miles away from anyone and I’ve had to be for a very long time. That’s just been normal for me. Like this weekend, it has been a hailstorm of people from a big birthday party Friday night to a wedding tonight. Both nights I’ve been standing around people who say “I love you” all the time to me but I felt like I was in a glass bowl and they were all mingling around the outside of the bowl.

I’d assumed that I make it hard to love me sometimes but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t agree with that. Those are the things that I find myself needing to hear right now. As much as it still stings a bit, I need to hear the reasons why? Why do they love me? Why do they think I’m pretty or beautiful? Why do they care so much? Or maybe I don’t need to hear it from everyone. Maybe I just need to hear it from one person…

My life, in its entirety, doesn’t suck. I like my job (even though some of the people I deal with suck). I love my friends. I have a food, shelter and clothing and I’m grateful for all those things but what I long for is humanity and touch and words and kindness and love right now.

If I really just needed some random human touch then I have a boat load of “booty call” numbers in my phone that I could do that with but it’s so beyond that. I need someone that I can cry in front of, someone that will hold my hand for no reason at all and someone that will finally tell ME that “everything will be alright”. I guess I just realized that it’s my turn for that. Funny thing about being a human rock of strength for others, after a while people just assume that you don’t need some of that strength returned.

I do understand that I just need to open my mouth up and say that I need these things but the thing about that is, I don’t know if I can and still just hope that one day, someone will just know that I need these things and just give them to me. I know that life isn’t that easy. I know that I might never meet someone who will just know that I need these things in my life and even those closest to me don’t realize that I might just not be as strong as I appear. Someday, I pray, that someone does those things for me because they care enough and realize that I need it more than I don’t.

I realized a while ago now that life isn’t about quick fixes, one night stands or fast and fleeting friendships. It’s about the times when you’re at your worst. When you’re cowered down in the fetal position and then when you look up and see who’s left. That is when it hits you. Those people that are there when you are at your lowest point, those are the ones that are meant to be the recipients of your love, kindness and blessings. Not the fly by night ones that you find yourself trying to impress because you don’t have to impress the important ones. They’re happy with you just being who you are and nothing more. I think if I look around my life, I can see two maybe three people that are completely content and happy with me, being me at this point right now. That’s not such a great number in a crowd full of “friends” but luckily I’ve spent my weekend with those that do.

I had big plans for April, for no other reason that just because I felt like it was time. I still do but choose not to talk about them because it seems that the moment life figures out I’m happy about something is when things turn to shit. That’s why I don’t talk to anyone about my happy moments as much as I should.

So, I guess, this post finds me indifferent than where I was on my last post. I’m still sad. I still need things that I can’t ask for and I’m still a ball full of secrets but just the fact that I’m not ok with being in this place gives me the strength to get up each day and try to fix myself.

I understand that I NEED to hear the “L-word” but I NEED to hear it from someone that can say it like an arrow piercing my heart. I know that human touch is something that I need too and that sitting in silence with my secrets next to someone else is so much better than sitting in silence alone with my secrets. I just need real, true and honest right now. I hope I get that soon.

Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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25 Random Facts from my Rambling Brain…

1 – My hair has been every color of the rainbow and then some. It’s going back to some semblance of my original color, if I can remember what this is but I miss my blonde hair. It was empowering.

2 – I hate social media with a passion because it brings about insecurities in me that I don’t like. People choose to show you what they want to show you and not much is actual reality. I, however, am addicted to pinterest and flipboard yet knowingly pin and flip things that I know I’ll never do which in turn perpetuates the cycle of me not finishing things that I want to.

3 – My father owned a chain of video stores in the 80’s and 90’s and I have yet to see the majority of the classics because I was too into watching some weird avant garde movie.

4 – Most days, regardless of the fact that I like who I am, I feel disconnected in my own skin. I wake up feeling “unpretty” or worn out through life’s experiences. I wake unsure that this was the life that was planned out for me and often wonder if my Grandmother would be disappointed in my choices.

5 – I do business in two ways. I either flirt my way into getting something that I want or I become the strong woman that I know I am. Logically I know that the latter is better; however, the first is more fun. While doing the flirting I usually flirt myself exhausted and end up not giving a shit about flirting on date nights.

6 – I hate messes and disarray yet my home is a disaster. I’d like to become a minimalist but I like shoes, makeup and jewelry way too much. And I keep strange reminders of time. Napkins, matchbooks and movie ticket stubs fill my memory box so I can remember the moment not the movie later.

7 – I hate authority figures and being told what to do. Yesterday, my boss yelled at me “in email form” for not doing something he’d asked me to do. So I yelled back at him, same form, because I thought his way was stupid and he apologized to me. I felt a sense of power and pride about that. I was never really “parented” when I was young so being told what to do now just feels strange.

8 – On the weekends I don’t charge my phone overnight. I let it die then watch as the texts or calls come in all in unison as I finally charge my phone sometime the next day. I got tired of hearing bad news or receiving “booty call” texts at 3 in the morning. There’s usually nothing good that comes from a text or phone call after midnight.

9 – I went to modeling school when I was an early teenager. I did one print ad for some long gone retailer when I was around 12. This was around the time I was a cheerleader. None of that was what I wanted to do. A friend of my parents wanted me to so I did. I still felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and it didn’t last longer, certainly not as long as the drugs. Regardless of how I feel in my own skin, I never want to be a stick figure. I’d strive for a Marilyn figure verse a Barbie figure any day.

10 – I was also in band, choir, Spanish, French, on the tennis team, on the volleyball team, in dance and theater when I was in school. My parents didn’t know any of that. They never saw a play, a game or concert I was in.

11 – I can’t roller skate or ice skate. I have horrible balance and it shocks me that I can wear the shoes I do sometimes without falling on my ass.

12 – My ex boyfriend made me a mix flash drive months ago but I won’t go get it because I’m afraid that I’ll just be so exhausted that I’ll say “yes” to him because I’m so tired of waiting or because I’m afraid that he’ll drug me and I’ll be his captor for years until I escape and end up 60 Minutes one day.

13 – My favorite part of me is my eyes. I love their color, green and I like what they’ve seen through the years. I also like that, with 99% of people, they can stare right into a persons soul.

14 – I drive, endlessly, some nights when I don’t want to be home alone. I take the same course and listen to music loudly. I ignore texts and calls so that I can be alone, on a dark road with my thoughts.

15 – I hate when people “infer” or “hint” at things. Come out and say what’s on your mind, what you want or what you need. There’s no harm in asking but be honest.

16 – I don’t have a real and true “in case of emergency person”. My best friend is my beneficiary but she’s 2.5 hours away. If something bad was to happen to me right now, I have no idea who I’d call.

17 – I hate that the art of letter writing is dead and that I have contributed to that. There’s nothing more special than a hand written note, card or even scrap of paper to show someone that you care.

18 – I am allergic to amoxicillin, a variety of pesticide that is used in Saudi Arabia and human emotions. I like to deflect feelings with sarcasm, humor and by going deaf for a short amount of time.

19 – I hate smoking but I do it anyway. It’s an escape from stressful situations, it gets me out of feeling uncomfortable and it’s a habit. If I woke up one day and never had the urge again, I’d be happy. It tastes disgusting, smells worse and of course there’s the unhealthy habit part also.

20 – My favorite time of day is around midnight especially when it’s raining during that time of year when it’s warm with a cool breeze during the day but cold at night.

21 – I don’t take near enough pictures as I should. I usually think I don’t look good enough to remember years from now and because I don’t always like to remember how I felt when the picture was taken. I’ll go to my grave with my memories not my photos.

22 – I’ve never met half my family. I found out when I was an early adult that I even had more family than I thought I’d had. I’ve never met my father’s father but have wanted to send him a strongly worded letter telling him he’s a piece of shit for years.

23 – I think people are way too dependent on instant gratification. We expect everything right now and our way. There’s a lost art of courting, romance and getting to know someone because social media has made it too easy to just “jump right on in there”. No one leaves anything to the imagination and it’s made true relationships a mess of passive aggressive, trivial, jealous bullshit.

24 – I yearn for a relationship based on trust, honesty, a bit of romance, thinking outside the box and of mutual respect. I want someone to come home to, to tell my day to. Someone that asks questions and waits for responses. A guy who can say “God bless you” after a sneeze, open a door and make you believe you’re pretty even when you feel like crap. A man that betters you, shows you that things will be ok and that wants to make plans with you for the future. A man with an old soul but a childlike self. Someone with the strength that you find wilted in yourself. Someone that can kiss your forehead with care, kiss your lips with passion and kiss your cheek with purpose.

25 – I secretly like to share all kinds of random things with all of you.

Hope you’re having a great weekend. Share some things of yourself.

-marks

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27 Days of Music – The P’s… and some rambling.

I’ve had a good day today. No real reason why just wasn’t bad. I’m trying really, really hard to be in the moment and I realize that, sometimes, I have to walk myself into the moment. I find myself saying, “Is there anything to be sad, angry or upset about right now in this immediate moment?” The answer is usually no and so I try to just be.

While this might seem like such a simple task with most people, it’s not for me. There’s things that I can be sad about, angry about or even things that could make every minute less than worth living but at the end of the day I can’t waste time on those emotions. I will never be one of those people that walks around with a happy stick up their ass all the time and I’m not sure I’d want to be. Sometimes you do just have to feel shit. But not right now, I don’t.

I even just got another speech from a friend about how I should “share” more and communicate. I’ve already gotten that speech once this week and I’M WORKING ON IT! But I’m not a sharer. Maybe I should just send out this blog to everyone. Maybe that would make things easier. We all know that’s not going to happen though.

Still going to sleep in a good mood which will, hopefully, send me good dreams. Hope you are all having a great week!

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Dancing in the rain… 

My friends and I joke all the time about every situation and the fact that “there’s an app for that”. The ironic part is, there really is. I found one about being broken hearted or going through loss or something. It’s basically hypnosis. I started to look for something like that after I’d been driving around yesterday listening to Songs From An Open Book By: Justin Furstenfeld. It’s half acoustic (which I adore) and half spoken word. There’s one part where he’s quoting his wife. She’d said, “No one grieves this way”. I thought that was brilliant.

This started me on a train of thought about why this is so hard for me right now and why I can’t just turn off these emotions or ignore them like I have always done in my past. What did I come up with? A couple things. First, I think in some weird way this means that I’ve matured, grown up and become somewhat of an adult. Back in my twenties, shit was all about running around with whoever, doing whatever and basically having a childhood that I never really got to. I still had responsibilities and those came first, mostly, but it was all about looking for that hot guy to go to clubs, bars and do other things with.

I was more about my career in the beginning of my thirties and wasn’t focused or had much thought about kids, family. At this point there’d already been a few proposals of which I obviously turned down but then I met the friend. At first it was just all about the fun but something happened through no help of my friend I started picturing a future that was blurred or non-existent up till this point. He’s not the ideal. He’s not responsible, nor much of an adult at times. I’d heard him say a few times “He wants a family, a child” but he never wanted it enough to change his ways. I think he’s more into the idea of what all that means but doesn’t really want the responsibility. But then I’ve also heard him say “Who’s going to marry me in the situation I’m in”. I’ve always hated his self-depreciation and as much as I probably wanted to scream “Uh, me you dumb ass. I’d effing do it because you’re worth it”. Instead I’m sure I just said nothing because he would have made some stupidly shitty joke about it.

But anyway, back to the app, while I was downloading it yesterday, I started thinking about all the broken hearts he’s probably left around the globe. I can’t imagine I’m the only one who’s felt this way. His ways haven’t change since he was probably 20 or so, or so another friend would like me to believe. I never really cared what other people said about him though and all the information was given without request because I believe people should have their secrets. Hell, I’ve dated people for three years and no one knew. I really like my secrets.

I know I’m jumping around here but the point of all this was that, until this friend came alone I’d never really thought about a family and it just hit me one day. I remember the day. It was Christmas night and he had taken Ambien to sleep but hadn’t quite slept yet. I call this the “Ambien Rant” night. It’s the first night he said he loved me and he was throwing out all this “We can do this to get you healthy. Let’s do this. We should do that.” I’d never heard so many “we” and “us” phrases in such a short time and I felt blindsided. Again, this is the rose thorn analogy that his words can be beautiful once you get past the sting, although I hadn’t learned that yet. So after the sting wore off I realized that it’s the first time that I wasn’t scared shitless to hear “we” & “us” and I didn’t vomit when he said the “L word”.

As time grew on, it just became more apparent that I wanted to take care of him like a partner and saw these things about him that I thought were perfect. So knowing, this entire time, that he’s never and will never have those feelings for me I fought them, I pushed, I caused fights, I dated stupid assholes to get my mind off. I did everything humanly possible to make these feelings go away. I went back to my shrink. I went to church. I found a life coach. I consulted the stars, fortune tellers and the psychics. None of this help because here I am now still feeling the same. This really is a cruel joke from the universe.

I know that he wishes I never felt like this. I hope the day comes soon that I don’t have to write about this crap anymore but it really does help. It keeps my crazy secretly on the internet so it doesn’t come out anywhere else. There, my mid-day therapy is done. I like my rainy day today.

The pic, one of my favorite quotes of all times.

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