Points of Clarity That I Wish I Didn’t See…

This last week has been strange. While contemplating it last night, I was up till almost 5 am then awake again at 9 this morning. I was exhausted but looking forward to spending some more time with THE friend because Game of Thrones was back on tonight and it’s one of our many shows that we watch. However, things did not go as planned.

To say his moods are all over the place isn’t fair. Mine are as well and they’re usually dictated by his. I assumed (which you should never do) that after an text “argument” the other day that things would feel a little different tonight. I suppose more so that I wished they’d have been different. He still holds the reward for the person that I’ve been most honest with ever. Things may not get worked out the moment they happen but we usually discuss things after the fact. They might change for a moment or two but they usually go back to where they were. This used to be ok.

Over the last week while he was here, which I was happy about, I had some issues. Clean up after yourself. Don’t eat things that I ask you not to because they’re for my breakfast and a few other points. I admitted to him that he made me feel invisible and that it always feels as though he never really wants to be here. Those words hurt the worst to admit because I’ve never felt that before. I thought with his response of “that really bothers me that I make you feel that way” that things would change. Again, that’s what I get for assuming.

I have many friends that I see more often than him and that I speak to more often than him and yet we always find things to talk about. We put our phones away and just talk about anything. Tonight, however, there was a moment when there was 37 minutes of silence because he was buried in his phone. 37 minutes is a long time when all you want is for someone to prove to you that they actually want to be here. So, I went into my room to charge my phone and lied down for a moment. The next thing I know I’m waking up about an hour later to a dark house.

I don’t blame him for leaving but in a funny twist of fate I wonder if he realizes that that’s what it’s like to be around him. Here’s the other funny part. I live my life, with him, in two sections. The first being how I feel and how he makes me feel. The second is why he does the things he does and how he feels about things. I never want to upset him. I never WANT to argue with him and I NEVER want to make him feel like he makes me feel. Why? Because it fucking sucks.

On the way home the other night, when I knew he was still at my home, my mom decided that would be a great time to call me and tell me that my dad is going blind. My family has a strange way of breaking bad news. When I got home I thought that would have been a nice time to “let him in” and tell him and maybe have him help me inventory my feelings about that except he was passed out in what looked to be a depressed slumber so I decided not to ruin his night and decided to forgo what might have turned in to an emotion conversation.

That’s the thing. I think about his feelings. I try to step lightly on egg shells ALL THE TIME. Half my grocery list is things that he likes, or wanted, or mentioned in passing. I think about him way more often than I should and I suffer for it. He can’t see what he’s doing to me because he can’t see outside of his own self. He has no idea what goes through my head and this next part is the part that would hurt him beyond what I’m ever willing to do. He has no idea how hard it is to be his friend. The next part is the hardest for me to admit to myself and that’s I often wonder how the hell I’m still in love with him but I am. Through all the shitty conversations that we’ve actually had, through the shitty things he does and says and through all HIS tough times it is still the hardest decision in my life to leave him even though I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about this friendship. He takes me for granted all the time and sometimes, I think he manipulates my feelings to see what I’ll do. Or what’s worse than that is that I am more terrified to realize that he doesn’t think about me at all. That would be the worst case, I think.

For some reason, he knows the emotional me. No one else really knows that. I thought about this the other night. I’d gone out with some friends to our usual Friday night spot and was flirting with the very young waiter. I was being who I usually am around others. By the end of the night he’d slipped me his phone number and said we should hang out which is pretty much any young man’s code for lets get nasty. I thought about that tonight because THE friend and I don’t have that type of relationship. There’s so much crap mixed in everything. There’s emotions, favors and secrets. Not so much secrets between us but I think we hold a lot back from each other. Maybe we don’t. Short of some sort of miracle or intervention I can’t see this getting any better. As much as I talk about it on here I think I can already write our ending which might just be coming way too soon. I think I always knew our story never had a happy ending but I wished that there was so much more happy in the middle.

What I need from this “ship” is to know that he actually wants to spend time with me. That I make a positive difference in his life. I need to know that this isn’t a friendship of convenience for him or that this is his last resort. I need him to not make me feel like an invisible piece of shit and I need to know why I can’t “quit him”.

It’s a bit funny that I try to give all the worst parts of this relationship to my therapists and they’ve all had some sort of insight that goes way beyond what I’ll ever understand or believe. I explain to them all the shitty parts of this and how I feel so completely unappreciated yet they always have come back with some insight as to where his feelings might actually lie. So the therapists, the fortune tellers, the shamans and my own best friend all betray me with the impression that he does actually care and have feelings that he might not even know he’s got. I hear all that and want to act like a child by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE ARE NO FEELINGS! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOVE ME!”.

It boils down to this… You can say anything you want. It doesn’t matter. If your actions don’t backup those words then you’re just lying. Bottom line. You can’t say, “I love you and care about you” and then treat me, my home and my words like they don’t matter. Life doesn’t work like that. But instead of screaming, fighting and saying things that could hurt him, I just fall asleep in a dark cold room 20 feet away because sitting next to him in 37 minutes of silence, while he desperately seeks out the rest of the world and shows me that every one else is more important was the easier thing to do.

I would love to know why he feels the need to take the harshness this world has bestowed upon him out on me, the one who’s been here with everything that he needs, wants and could ever have for three plus years now. Where the fuck is my happy ending and if I don’t get one then what’s the point in all of this anyway? About a month after we starting spending time together, three plus years ago, he once told me that he felt I was an angel that came to him. I wish that his actions made me actually believe that because it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. That seems like such a long time ago now. The trouble with memories is that you can always remember a time that was better than it is right now.

I can’t believe I’m crying over him again. When will I use up my tears on this one boy? Why will my tears not dry up? I’m sick of crying over someone that’s never cried over me.

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When the ties that bound are now only loosely tethered. 

Yesterday I was feeling bad, pain-wise. I slept most of the day. I went into the kitchen later in the day to fill a water jug and just saw nothing but a mess. There was spilled wine, loose rice, caked oil and both sinks full of dishes. It seemed to be the appropriate symbolism for the relationship that created that mess. It annoyed and upset me because in my mind it’s just disrespect. I couldn’t even fill a water jug and didn’t have the energy through my pain to fix this mess. 

I tried to not let it assault me personally but I couldn’t help but feel that it’s this complacency that I dread. These are the reasons that I feel like I’m losing a connection to someone that I once felt I’d never lose. That makes me sad. 

I think I’ve not felt that connection for some time now but have been trying to lie to myself about it. It’s all about that, that’s what bound us together. So what binds me now? We have no real “friendship”, it’s not sexual or spiritual. It used to feel that way. Neither one of us tells our friends that we hang out. It’s like some weird, strange shameful secret, on his part. On mine part it’s because I don’t want to upset him by saying something I shouldn’t. 

This is an unacceptable place that we have gotten to and one that can no longer be sustained. It’s so unfair to me because I get nothing from this except sadness. I thought my feelings would change from my last post. I thought that I’d feel better but I feel worse. 

I’d read my last post again and thought it might have sounded as though I was done because he doesn’t love me. I’ve always been clear on that. It has to do with the callousness of his words he uses. Who needs their own feelings trampled on, and thrown back in their face with disrespect? No one. I would never discuss “finding the one” with someone that had feelings for me as if their heart didn’t matter and never did. 

It reminded me of when we were more than just one night of the week. When we laughed and made each other mix CDs. Then I realized that after each and everyone of his “sweet” moments came a request for a favor. How did I become this carpet of his to do with how he pleases? How did I become this human trash can for him to dump the crap on? 

I had this thought that if I was actually a close friend to him and I was telling him of all the things someone did to me likes he’s done, if he cared he would have told me that I was stupid and that I deserve to be treated better than that. Funny how that would have worked. This would be where the good days no longer are more than the bad days. 

I can’t believe I’m in this place. I can’t believe I’ve let things get this bad. For what? For what? I know that I’ve never treated anyone like this so its not karma. Especially with this relationship. I’ve been more kind, concerned and accommodating than with anyone else in my life and it’s the worst return in history. I guess it’s one of those compensation things. 

I just realized that he hates these feelings that i had/have but they’re what’s kept me here for him so long and now in a karmic twist he treats my feelings like my home and makes me want to be further away from here than ever. So amongst the spilled wine, the dirty dishes and the broken glass I found you’ll be able to see my heart at the bottom of it all. It’s in tiny pieces with his foot prints all over. What did I ever do to be treated like that? The answer? Nothing. I have never done anything like that. 

My therapist is going to enjoy me today. At least I can be done knowing that there’s nothing more that I could have done. Thank God for therapy, exercise and knowing what I deserve. This too shall pass after a good scrub down of my kitchen later. 

I’ve spent years trying to look at our situation through both our eyes. I wish, just once, he would have done the same. 

  

When Is Enough, Enough? And my jumbled thoughts.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last written and my last post I was feeling pretty crappy about things. I’m not sure much has changed, in that aspect. First, the beginning of my weekend. We’ll start there cause then it might go a bit downhill after that.

My GBF’s sister’s birthday is today and he wanted to take her to Austin so she could have dinner at this place off Lake Travis. We’d made this plan. We were going to leave early Saturday drive to my brothers, hang for a while then go to the restaurant around the time the sun sets and meet up with a few other people. We’d gotten a bit of a late start but pretty much flew there and the plan went accordingly. We were all having a great time. Family, friends (new and old) and of course my niece and my BFF were there. We were all joking and playing and having a great time. The drive back was a great karaoke of 80’s hits which were being sung too loudly. We ended up getting home a bit later than expected around 11 but nothing too drastic.

I came in, changed and went to have drinks with a friend very late Saturday. He’s an old but great friend. We were telling these stories to his friends about some of our ‘good ole times’ and it was happy and fun. We were all having a blast. Towards the end of the night or I guess I should say early morning, he walked me to my car. We’d leaned against it for a bit and giggled at a few things and then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t forcefully with passion, it wasn’t in hopes of getting laid, it was just something he wanted to do right then and he did. I respect those types of actions. It lasted longer than it should have but it made me realize just how much I miss that. You know? All the Oxytocin that runs through your body after that. So, we kissed a bit more then said our goodbyes with promises to get together soon but I don’t know if I want to yet.

So, after a great Saturday, you know my “read somewhere wisdom” about getting seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day makes someone healthy? Yeah, so I was feeling pretty great. One of those days that you kind of don’t want to end but eventually I had to get to sleep. I was having THE friend come over the next day (or later that day) and he was going to make a healthy meal. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the “he forgot about me” incident but I was looking forward to it. I was going to leave the bad where it was and start fresh. No judgement, no grudges and was hoping to continue the vibe from the day before’s fun.

He came, a bit later than what I’d thought. I’d cleaned the kitchen. Bought a few things he’d requested after he bought the other half of the ingredients and I’d worked out a bit and added to my motivational wall of determination. I was ready for some more fun. He walked in with a sigh which felt like a “Ugh, I’m here again like an appointment” sigh. Went straight into the kitchen and just went to work. Talking to himself mostly. A few “where’s this” or “could you get this” sternly from him and that’s when it started…

Nothing I had was good enough. I’d bought the wrong this, or this was shitty or this was wrong. I have shitty this and that and NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH! I was trying really hard to not just walk out or scream or cry. Then when he starts out like that I start retreating into my own head and become small, so small and quiet. Then he gets mad because I don’t speak up but it’s because he’s already made me feel like shits never good enough. Then we eat and since we eat over “our TV shows” there’s no conversation. There’s no engaging.

After dinner, he was doing something on his computer which was important however, still no conversation. He does this thing when I don’t fast forward the commercials so I did it back and because he’s so into whatever he’s doing he yells at me. At this point, I’m feeling like a child that can’t seem to do anything right. I want to cry, a lot but again, why? What’s the point anymore?

On his way out the door, he’d asked about hanging out on Wednesday and I said no for two reasons. First, our last two Wednesday’s hadn’t worked out and two because HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, AGAIN. I feel like he thinks I said no because of some sort of punishment because he forgot but I’m trying so damn hard to not care anymore because this is still one sided. This is still not and never where this was in the beginning. I remember when we used to have fun and laugh and do new and exciting things but now it just feels like a chore or an appointment for him.

So, you are all asking why I keep doing this to myself right? Well, at first, there was such a strong connection that I felt toward him and yes, the whole being in love thing was a lot of it. You want to talk about Oxytocin? Even though he’s never and will never have those feelings for me he still acted with love, and care (sometimes) but he was also playful and did the hand holding and the inappropriate touching which I craved because I hated it from most others. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but it was where a lot of my good feelings about us were coming from. Being around him for one day gave me the 7 hugs, kisses (not compliments) that I needed to leave some of the bad shit behind us.

I still believe that there’s a whole lot of women out there who get to see a really great, nice and caring man that I don’t get to see. I really don’t know why HE keeps wanting to do this dance we do. On a good day it’s great but on a bad day, he makes me question myself which isn’t healthy, fair and it’s certainly NOT what I deserve. I deserve a friendship that grows and that is caring and that is helpful and NOT one that has me dripping tears in between key strokes. I am not this fragile and sensitive or at least I wasn’t. But it just makes me think about all the people who get his best and I don’t understand why I’m not on that list after what we’ve been through. This is bullshit.

The first guy that I was truly in love with, who I still work with, and I have this ritual. He usually brings his lunch and heats it up early. While he’s waiting he’ll come into my office, sit down and say, “So, ‘insert nickname here’, did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” I respond, “Yes, ‘insert nickname here’ I did such-and-such. How was yours? What did you do?” and we talk about things for a few moments. He and I have worked together for almost 17 years and known each other for almost 20. But we still have conversations, some meaningful some not so much. We ask each other questions, ask about problems that we’re going through. We still care enough about each other to TALK to each other and to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER. It’s never forced conversation. There are no other feelings there but respect and friendship but that’s how things SHOULD BE!

Maybe the oxytocin from the sex that THE friend and I shared once three plus years ago has finally worn off completely. Maybe there’s just nothing good left here. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse as they say. Maybe I should let him out of this invisible contract that I feel that he thinks he’s in. He can go forth with making all his other friends happy and sharing things with them that he can’t seem to do with me. I should tell him that he’s served his time or community service and isn’t under any obligations any longer to HAVE to spend time “working” on this friendship. I’m sure he’s got other ‘people’ he’d rather be with.

Yes, I’m well aware that all sounds horrible and probably jealous or whatever but if I felt that I got half of the nice words that others got this wouldn’t seem so futile to me. Maybe I am a masochist or maybe God is still mad at me. I have no idea because I really can’t understand why THIS makes me feel as bad as it does. Sometimes, I feel like, since he’s working on his life and he’s getting to a better place that I’m a starter friendship or that I’m the test subject. I still feels so very replaceable which is the worst word EVER to use in a friendship and I’ve never used it before for any other.

I miss those days I was a cold hearted bitch that didn’t give a shit. I miss the days when his actions didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I miss the days when he didn’t make me cry. I miss the days when it meant more to write about the boy on Saturday who WANTED to spend time with me verses the boy who just didn’t have anything else to do that night. I miss the days when I wasn’t a Sunday and half-ass Wednesday girls. I think I’m still pretty envious of the other nights of the week girls in his world.

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27 Days of Music – The X’s… and some more rambling.

I do realize that some of my rants or ramblings would normally put me in the nut house and that it really appears that I am bipolar but these are the reasons why this is my secret space. It helps me get all my crap out here so it doesn’t explode in the real world.

I had a whole other thing written but decided against it because I took most of my anger out in an hour long cardio session. My evening tonight was much more productive and healthy than last night. Last night I decided to have drinks with a friend, late. I got tipsy, we got flirty and he got an idea. I’m sure I would have gone ahead with his idea except I was too tired, tipsy and angry to care. Plus, it’s not that easy to get inside of any part of me. That might be the reason so many try because it becomes sport and there’s some sort of trophy at the end.

Blah, and there’s my mood showing again. I’m still angry, confused, hurt and I don’t know the rest. I don’t drink much at all and especially not when I’m emotional but it felt like something I wanted to do. I usually just workout like a crazy person which is much better therapy. There’s forty reasons why I felt like shit yesterday and only one thing that would have truly made it all go away. I didn’t get that or at least from the right person anyway and I know I never will.

My ex wants to take me out for my birthday this week. That’s the question on everyone’s lips, “What do you want for your birthday?” Honestly, I just want a quiet night at home with a home cooked meal and a movie, maybe a bath and a back rub… That’s all. Some people might call me basic for that but I like simplistic. Friends give flowers, jewelry and expensive dinners. Some even offer trips and other expensive things but I can do all that myself. It’s times like this I wish someone could read my mind. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience at all. I need that feeling of being coupled without the responsibility right now. I can’t really handle anything more than that. I don’t say this much but I just need to not be alone right now. Wow, that even sounds weird hearing myself say it in my head. I have denied what I’ve needed in my life for as long as I can remember. So there you have my honesty tonight.

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Rambling thoughts from a darkened mind tonight…

For someone with such a strange and social life, I’ve turned into boring. More boring than I care to remember. There’s been a lot going on and none of it seems to be fun nor meaningful. I’ve barely had a chance to just sit and actually watch TV or at least remember what I’ve just watched. I want to have a relaxing night and enjoy and embrace the coolness that’s entered the night.

There’s things going on all around me. Most are not that pleasant. As I said before, I’ve been to too many hospitals and been through some strange events over the last few weeks I can’t seem to quiet my mind either. It’s racing to no where or to somewhere that I don’t want it to be. I wish I could write about all the fun I’ve had or the awesomely memorable moments but I’m stressed and even the fun moments seem like they take too much energy which I’m not full of these days.

I can’t even put my thoughts together enough to write here which is where my solace seems to be. I don’t come here much these days because these are not times I want to remember days, weeks, months or years from now. I’m tired, so tired. I’m lost and somewhere between sad and catatonic but at least catatonic is closer to numb than I’ve been in a while.

I just want to do something different than what I’ve been doing. I want a different mindset and a different set of emotions. I want a different place or a different space. My dishes are piled as high as my unwanted thoughts. My trash is overflowing like my head. I should just lock myself in and fix my space before I do anything but home is the last place I want to be. The moment I’m here I’m reminded that it’s too quiet and that I don’t like quiet these days even though I could do with some empty space inside my mind.

I’m jumbled, possibly in trouble but can’t open my mouth to say anything to anyone that’s of any importance. My words are unimportant not the people. I’ve spoken to so many people lately and still nothing is exciting me. There’s no spark or thrill or life line that’s helping me pull myself out. I’m still tired and cracked. People around me are broken and cracked and I can’t fix them. I need to know that I’ve helped. I need to know that they’re different but I won’t ask. I hear their words but forget everything moments later.

Work is a paradox of boredom and busy that takes my mind off happenings for at least 40 hours a week but that’s all monotony. There’s nothing out there that’s reigniting a single solitary ash that’s been left burning in hopes that someone will set fire to it soon. There’s faint smoke but nothing enough to signal for help. I’ve turned off all honest, emotional communication and now it’s all sarcasm and filler. I wasn’t programmed for a life less ordinary and I’m failing myself.

The light is bright from the outside world chiming in with messages of simplicity. I ignore most until I’m requested for something that, at the very least, gets me out of my fortress of solitude. Everyone seems filled with their own sense of dysfunction and my peace is helping them, not me. If I wasn’t proud, too proud, I’d scream “Let me out of here”. But I’ve placed myself in my own paradox.

Ripping intellectual and spiritual advice to others which I pay no attention to myself. I don’t listen to my own words. That’s our own curse isn’t it? We don’t listen to ourselves? We don’t take our own advice? We are our own worst enemies? I can be a strengthening pillar to everyone else but, yet again, I scream, “Where’s my pillar of strength? Where’s my pillar of hope?” I thought it was in a book, that’s kept by a night table that’s supposed to bring me solace. I thought it was in a picture of the past that reminded me what I need. I thought in was in the simple task of dropping to my knees with clasped hands and asking for something that I don’t deserve but want more than anything. I think I thought wrong because that line of communication seems to have been severed on His end, not mine.

But, I will continue to follow the direction of so many and continue my nightly ritual of asking for help from something that’s voice full of answers hasn’t been heard yet. There’s so many things that are being asked of him. I’m just in line. This is what asking for patience and understand gets me but I continue to ask as well as so much more than I need more than I’ve ever wanted.

These are not sad thoughts tonight, only ones of confusion and maybe guilt which is why my next journey starts with the forgiveness of everyone, including myself. There’s a path I need to be one but I’m just not sure that this street of memories will get me there.

That is all for tonight. I feel better.

Crazy Mind

Do overs and other random things…

Remember when you were a kid and you could just have a “do-over”? That’s what I need. I think I would do a lot of things differently. I would have moved out sooner. I would have gone through more college. I wouldn’t have stolen that pack of thumb tacks for my neighbor when I was twelve. And years later, I wouldn’t have gotten on a boat.

Yes, I’m still pissed from the other nights diatribe of anger, too pissed to go into it now without making this a horrific bitchy post but it has to do with social media, helping the wrong person and an over all sense of feeling like shit about the last two years. This is where my real do over would start.

Lately, I’ve been walking around in a haze of disappointment and sadness. It’s work, then dinner out, then work out, then bed. I still have next to no appetite what-so-ever. Struggling with a decision or many decisions and asking God for an answer has been also on the daily routine. The problem is, I think I’ve pissed Him off somewhere down the road. All I get is these mixed messages and signals and signs. People say, “Listen to your head!” “Listen to your gut!” “Listen to your heart!”. So which is it? Because they all say something different and hell if I know which is right.

This time, this break, feels different though, than all the rest. It seems final, so definitive. I don’t know if it’s because I’m just really over it all by now or what the reason is but nothing has moved over into complete apathy yet. I assume I’ll know the real answer in about 15 days and at that point it’ll be my decision and mine alone. I will not be swayed by feelings.

The truth is, I’m hurt and more than I’ve ever been before. I WAS getting better but then someone had to ruin that. These are the reasons why going to live in a completely different place with completely different people has so much appeal to me. I’m not someone who has to assume the “friendship” of a thousand people to help validate my existence so it can be a remote destination. I’d change my number, check in with family and close friends every week or two and just let go of everything else. You know, they say as you grow older the more friends you have the lonelier you are. They say by the time you’re forty you should have weeded out the acquaintances and just have a few close friends. I’d be ok with that. I’d be ok knowing that I wouldn’t get annoying drunk texts from people that I can barely stand at three in the morning.

Other things that I miss from being a kid…
I miss the simplicity of conversation, no texting or messaging or email bullshit.
I miss snow days and riding my bike home from school.
I miss tag and marco polo.
I miss knowing unequivocally knowing that your friends are your friends because of who you are not because of what you do, or what you can do for them.
I miss a single picked flower from the boy down the street that liked you, even though he’d pull your hair.
I miss that first kiss, the first dance or “getting to second base”.
I miss Polaroids and jump rope and skinny dipping.

I think I just miss the last time I was truly happy because I think I’ve forgotten what that’s like. It’s been too long.

I wish I could pull myself out of this hole of sadness that’s been caused by someone else.

I wish God would make it very, very clear what I am supposed to do.

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Loose end reminders…

Feeling like today would be a better day, then I woke up to a reminder of an appointment that he had this morning. Great start. Then I get to work, hoping to brush off that reminder and I get an email confirmation for our skydiving for his birthday. Then after that, I had a client give me tickets to the soccer game this weekend and was also reminded of the football game with his favorite team that we have tickets too.

I guess that’s where the hard part comes in. Remembering that you have all these future plans and realizing that they won’t actually happen anymore. That part makes me sad today. But it’s all my fault. I set some sort of prescience of not saying no. But the truth is I wanted to take care of him. Always did and always might but it doesn’t matter.

It’s been nine days of not seeing him, which is good because I’m not sure I’m strong enough yet to let all this go if he’s in front of me. Yet again, I’m reminded that he knows none of this because he’s in his own little bubble. Today I feel like beating the shit out of something. Half the time I feel like throwing up. I really do feel stupid that I fell this hard. That wasn’t his fault either. He really never did anything to nurture these feelings but I had them anyway. I really need to know what the life lesson is here and what the purpose of all this is some time soon or I’m going to go officially crazy.

Anyway, that’s my current state right now.

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