It’s tough to know where to begin when I’ve been away so long. There’s been a lot of stuff that’s happened, some good some bad and some just downright typical. I suppose we don’t have to get to all of it tonight but I feel like I must unload my mind to some extent otherwise it might lead me to say things to people that I just don’t have the strength to take back.
Let’s start with this. About a month ago an old friend texted me and wanted to start a business. We hadn’t spoken for months but he thought that I’d be the best person to start this with and because he’d said he missed me. There’s a lot to be said about those words, “I miss you”. Maybe that’s why I said yes or maybe it was because I just wanted something new. (I’ll get to that part later). So since the last time I was here I’ve started the process of starting a business. This is the smallest part of this story.
So after seeing him again, I realized that I’ve not had the kind of relationship that he and I used to have in a very long time. We joke, play, plan, respect, admire and have always said that we’d marry each other if nothing else worked out. That’s not where this story goes… He’s married, once happily but now they’ve just settled into their thing so they’re content. I like his wife and she’s completely ok with the fact that we have chemistry together. She see’s us sparing off each other and having a type of relationship that they don’t have and she’s realistically ok with it.
We were all sitting down conversing and she’d actually asked why we never actually officially dated. Basically she knew that we were best friends with a side of the good stuff and we were ok with that but when she asked the question I’m not sure either of us really knew the answer. Maybe we didn’t want to ruin a good thing… I really don’t know. But either way we are both happy with how things hadn’t worked out that way for either of us. It does tend to bring up all the chances that I’ve passed up through the years and just wonder why things have worked out the way that they have.
That brings me to my next section which is my tendency to become bored with relationships, life, work… All things. I’m in that place right now so very badly. There’s nothing that I look forward to. I wish that wasn’t the case but even the one thing that I held close to me which was THE friend and my relationship has become the worst case scenario. This is a man that I once got butterflies every single time he’d text and when I was around him I felt no desire to eat or to talk to anyone else. I knew none of that was reciprocated but I was happy (even though I sought out to complain a lot) because being in love with someone does things to your brain and your body and the being in love part is actually amazing it’s the rest of the crap that was never very nice.
After our longest sabbatical apart since we’d become friends again I thought things would be different. Occasionally I’d feel those old feelings and it was the best worst feelings in the world. He’d cooked for me. He surprised me. He started doing things that he didn’t do the first go around which made me feel appreciated and like we were in an actually friendship. But then things started to go back to where I didn’t want things to be and I realized that we were in a loveless, emotionless, sexless and invisible relationship.
There were no dinners, no surprises, no dishes being done, no pay backs and again I was and am back to feeling like it truly doesn’t matter whether I’m in the room or not because he doesn’t care. Now, he’s not entirely at fault here because I don’t communicate or tell stories or bring things up and there’s reasons for this. I’ve attempted to do all those things but have been met with rudeness, condescension and most times he’s so into someone or something else that he’s actually not even heard a word I’ve said. I’ve literally been three sentences in to something and realized that he’s not paid attention to me what-so-ever so I keep quiet.
I’ve tried to wave shiny objects, or food to get his attention and someone or something else is always more interesting. Well, I guess when I prayed that I soon feel the same way about him as he did about me that my prayers were answered because I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of being ignored until just by happenstance he’s remembered me. I’m tired of being a day of the week only so that he can feed himself with food, TV and internet.
I long miss the days when, even though there was no sexual chemistry there was still some sort of intimacy between us. I long miss the days that I received a text message that didn’t have a request in it. I long miss the days when I knew that it was me and only me that was the reason he’d come around. The truth is, I am more lonely when he’s sitting right next to me than when I’m actually alone. I guess I don’t stay shiny and new to him very long, if I ever did. I thought about praying for him to, for just one moment, feel about me as I did for him. I never actually did though because that’s obviously never going to be or has been the case so why even waste the breath.
It’s funny, as I flip through my news or random articles on flipbook, the ones that always used to catch my attention were ones like “How to make sure he stays happy” or “How to stay in the I love you phase”. Then my attention moved to, “How to fix a relationship” and “What to do when things get complicated”. Now, I scroll through my article feeds and roll my eyes when I see things about relationships. It makes me sad. I’m not sure if I’m sad that I’m not in love anymore or I’m sad that it never actually mattered.
I’m typing this and crying for the first time in a very long time. Maybe I’m crying because it’s the end of an era or I’m crying because I know that I’ll never feel like that about anyone ever again or because what used to bring me comfort, safety and joy now makes me regret things I’ve done. I used to say that I never regretted anything because it’s all taught me lessons but I think I want to go back to that first fight we had, sitting in my car when I blurted out that I was in love with him and I’d take it all back or maybe I’d never have slept with him or maybe I’d never have gotten on that boat… I don’t really know anymore.
We’ve had some good times. I won’t deny that and I won’t deny that half the blame is on me for doing things, not saying enough or saying too much but I hate the fact that someone that I once thought I could be with forever, in a fun, loving and equally compromising relationship is someone that makes me feel like the loneliest person on earth.
They say when love dies it feels like an actual death and that you actually morn. If that’s the case then I guess I’ll be wearing black for a while. He was never required to love me back but he really should have taken on some responsibility to not make me regret anything. The fact that I’m sitting here, in tears talking about him and he’s probably out not thinking about a thing and having fun is just another typical reason why, going back, I would have done so many things so different. If there was ever one single tear shed for me from him this might have been an entirely different post.
My prayer tonight is that if this wasn’t all for nothing and there’s a point to me going through all of this then something needs to change. We, I’ve been stuck in a rut for way too long to continue this at all. Especially when there’s so many people out there that say the things and do the things that I wished he’d done or said and those relationships don’t make me feel like the loneliest person ever…