Different roads lead to the same places…

It’s tough to know where to begin when I’ve been away so long. There’s been a lot of stuff that’s happened, some good some bad and some just downright typical. I suppose we don’t have to get to all of it tonight but I feel like I must unload my mind to some extent otherwise it might lead me to say things to people that I just don’t have the strength to take back.

Let’s start with this. About a month ago an old friend texted me and wanted to start a business. We hadn’t spoken for months but he thought that I’d be the best person to start this with and because he’d said he missed me. There’s a lot to be said about those words, “I miss you”. Maybe that’s why I said yes or maybe it was because I just wanted something new. (I’ll get to that part later). So since the last time I was here I’ve started the process of starting a business. This is the smallest part of this story.

So after seeing him again, I realized that I’ve not had the kind of relationship that he and I used to have in a very long time. We joke, play, plan, respect, admire and have always said that we’d marry each other if nothing else worked out. That’s not where this story goes… He’s married, once happily but now they’ve just settled into their thing so they’re content. I like his wife and she’s completely ok with the fact that we have chemistry together. She see’s us sparing off each other and having a type of relationship that they don’t have and she’s realistically ok with it.

We were all sitting down conversing and she’d actually asked why we never actually officially dated. Basically she knew that we were best friends with a side of the good stuff and we were ok with that but when she asked the question I’m not sure either of us really knew the answer. Maybe we didn’t want to ruin a good thing… I really don’t know. But either way we are both happy with how things hadn’t worked out that way for either of us. It does tend to bring up all the chances that I’ve passed up through the years and just wonder why things have worked out the way that they have.

That brings me to my next section which is my tendency to become bored with relationships, life, work… All things. I’m in that place right now so very badly. There’s nothing that I look forward to. I wish that wasn’t the case but even the one thing that I held close to me which was THE friend and my relationship has become the worst case scenario. This is a man that I once got butterflies every single time he’d text and when I was around him I felt no desire to eat or to talk to anyone else. I knew none of that was reciprocated but I was happy (even though I sought out to complain a lot) because being in love with someone does things to your brain and your body and the being in love part is actually amazing it’s the rest of the crap that was never very nice.

After our longest sabbatical apart since we’d become friends again I thought things would be different. Occasionally I’d feel those old feelings and it was the best worst feelings in the world. He’d cooked for me. He surprised me. He started doing things that he didn’t do the first go around which made me feel appreciated and like we were in an actually friendship. But then things started to go back to where I didn’t want things to be and I realized that we were in a loveless, emotionless, sexless and invisible relationship.

There were no dinners, no surprises, no dishes being done, no pay backs and again I was and am back to feeling like it truly doesn’t matter whether I’m in the room or not because he doesn’t care. Now, he’s not entirely at fault here because I don’t communicate or tell stories or bring things up and there’s reasons for this. I’ve attempted to do all those things but have been met with rudeness, condescension and most times he’s so into someone or something else that he’s actually not even heard a word I’ve said. I’ve literally been three sentences in to something and realized that he’s not paid attention to me what-so-ever so I keep quiet.

I’ve tried to wave shiny objects, or food to get his attention and someone or something else is always more interesting. Well, I guess when I prayed that I soon feel the same way about him as he did about me that my prayers were answered because I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of being ignored until just by happenstance he’s remembered me. I’m tired of being a day of the week only so that he can feed himself with food, TV and internet.

I long miss the days when, even though there was no sexual chemistry there was still some sort of intimacy between us. I long miss the days that I received a text message that didn’t have a request in it. I long miss the days when I knew that it was me and only me that was the reason he’d come around. The truth is, I am more lonely when he’s sitting right next to me than when I’m actually alone. I guess I don’t stay shiny and new to him very long, if I ever did. I thought about praying for him to, for just one moment, feel about me as I did for him. I never actually did though because that’s obviously never going to be or has been the case so why even waste the breath.

It’s funny, as I flip through my news or random articles on flipbook, the ones that always used to catch my attention were ones like “How to make sure he stays happy” or “How to stay in the I love you phase”. Then my attention moved to, “How to fix a relationship” and “What to do when things get complicated”. Now, I scroll through my article feeds and roll my eyes when I see things about relationships. It makes me sad. I’m not sure if I’m sad that I’m not in love anymore or I’m sad that it never actually mattered.

I’m typing this and crying for the first time in a very long time. Maybe I’m crying because it’s the end of an era or I’m crying because I know that I’ll never feel like that about anyone ever again or because what used to bring me comfort, safety and joy now makes me regret things I’ve done. I used to say that I never regretted anything because it’s all taught me lessons but I think I want to go back to that first fight we had, sitting in my car when I blurted out that I was in love with him and I’d take it all back or maybe I’d never have slept with him or maybe I’d never have gotten on that boat… I don’t really know anymore.

We’ve had some good times. I won’t deny that and I won’t deny that half the blame is on me for doing things, not saying enough or saying too much but I hate the fact that someone that I once thought I could be with forever, in a fun, loving and equally compromising relationship is someone that makes me feel like the loneliest person on earth.

They say when love dies it feels like an actual death and that you actually morn. If that’s the case then I guess I’ll be wearing black for a while. He was never required to love me back but he really should have taken on some responsibility to not make me regret anything. The fact that I’m sitting here, in tears talking about him and he’s probably out not thinking about a thing and having fun is just another typical reason why, going back, I would have done so many things so different. If there was ever one single tear shed for me from him this might have been an entirely different post.

My prayer tonight is that if this wasn’t all for nothing and there’s a point to me going through all of this then something needs to change. We, I’ve been stuck in a rut for way too long to continue this at all. Especially when there’s so many people out there that say the things and do the things that I wished he’d done or said and those relationships don’t make me feel like the loneliest person ever…

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 14 (Sunday) and a discussion about mistakes.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and 5 minutes today trying to sweat out emotions.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

As expected my Sunday night didn’t go as planned. The weather or a better offer was a detour for THE friend, which ever. Instead, I spoke to my ex on the phone for a long time. There’s one thing that I admire of him and that’s his insane ability to overcome his fears.

Several years ago he was in a horrific motorcycle accident in which he almost lost his leg. That accident changed the entire course of what he thought his life was going to be. He was engaged to a girl that couldn’t handle what he was going through. He was in a wheelchair for a long time and basically had to relearn everything he’d once known and took for granted. That is all part of why he feels that we’ve come back into each others lives for a purpose. He doesn’t take things for granted anymore and tries to learn from his mistakes. He just recently purchased a new bike and has looked his fear straight in it’s face and said “eff you”!

The truth is, the more I talk to him the more he wears me down about being together. But I have these effed up dreams and thoughts that are making the decision so hard. Yes, it’s true. I have feelings, strong feelings, about THE friend but it’s more than that. I have witnessed THE friend make these decisions or mistakes in his life that lead to him regretting things later and maybe in part I’m trying to hold out hope that I can save him from himself one day.

I’m still being told by these grandiose figures in life and in dreams that we’re supposed to be together. This makes sense to me. I know he doesn’t feel the same but sometimes I try to explain that because he’s scared or thinks he’ll screw something up so bad that we won’t even be friends afterward. The reality is so much different than that.

I know he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. That hurts because of what my vision is. The perfect “coupling”. Two people don’t need to be the same in fact they need to be different in a lot of ways. Puzzle pieces don’t fit together if they’re exactly the same. That’s the way I look at relationships, as puzzle pieces. I have strengths where he’s weak and vice versa. I’ve never met someone that I actually WANT to fit together like that and do until THE friend. 

My mind thinks that “if this was different about me” or “if that was different about me” then he’d want to make this work but the truth is none of that is true. if any of this was meant to be then it would be and it wouldn’t suck so bad that it’s not. I think I’m just tired and don’t want to play this game anymore. I’m okay with knowing that he knows the truth about me and my feelings and if he regrets anything about us later then that’s all on him but I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of knowing that I could be everything that he needs and yet it’s not good enough for what he wants. The sad fact is that again, all he ever had to do was try. I live with the knowledge that being with him, THE friend, would never have been a mistake.

I’ve made plans with the ex. He was set on driving to see me tonight but I convinced him that I was just too tired to see him but I promised that we’d spend time together this week. I know what spending time with him will mean. To him, it means some grand romantic gesture, candles, music, dinner, and a regurgitation of emotions that I’ve already become aware of. So it’s just my turn to define what all those mean to me, one last time. I need to take THE friend out of the equation completely because it doesn’t matter.

The difference between reality and dreams is so obvious and just when I think I know exactly what I need something comes to me to show me what I want and sometimes that’s too powerful to overcome. But again, I’ve done all I can. I’ve been here in any capacity THE friend has needed but it’s never been the capacity in which I WANTED. Not completely. At the end of all this I will know that I do not have any regrets and if he does it’s not my responsibility. 

So, I think this weekend will be me spending time with the ex to try one last time to see if there’s anything there. I’m not going to force anything and there is a lot of history with us he will not be my regret either. He’s a good man. He’s always been truthfully with me which is, at this point in my life, the most important thing with a man. He’s never asked me for anything more than I’m willing to give and has never taken me for granted. As I said, he’s a good man. I’ll have a week to think about this and see where the weekend takes me. Worst case scenario I can always back out if I know this will hurt him too much. Maybe it’ll be raining and we’ll sit outside his house and listen to Prince and I’ll remember why I was so intrigued by him so many years ago.

I’ve decided though, that if there will never be the slightest chance of THE friend and I ever being together then I shall pray that he not be in my life any longer because it’s just cruel. I’ve done all I can. This week is about having no regrets. Anything goes. At the end of everything I will at least have peace in my mind if not in my heart.

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When the ties that bound are now only loosely tethered. 

Yesterday I was feeling bad, pain-wise. I slept most of the day. I went into the kitchen later in the day to fill a water jug and just saw nothing but a mess. There was spilled wine, loose rice, caked oil and both sinks full of dishes. It seemed to be the appropriate symbolism for the relationship that created that mess. It annoyed and upset me because in my mind it’s just disrespect. I couldn’t even fill a water jug and didn’t have the energy through my pain to fix this mess. 

I tried to not let it assault me personally but I couldn’t help but feel that it’s this complacency that I dread. These are the reasons that I feel like I’m losing a connection to someone that I once felt I’d never lose. That makes me sad. 

I think I’ve not felt that connection for some time now but have been trying to lie to myself about it. It’s all about that, that’s what bound us together. So what binds me now? We have no real “friendship”, it’s not sexual or spiritual. It used to feel that way. Neither one of us tells our friends that we hang out. It’s like some weird, strange shameful secret, on his part. On mine part it’s because I don’t want to upset him by saying something I shouldn’t. 

This is an unacceptable place that we have gotten to and one that can no longer be sustained. It’s so unfair to me because I get nothing from this except sadness. I thought my feelings would change from my last post. I thought that I’d feel better but I feel worse. 

I’d read my last post again and thought it might have sounded as though I was done because he doesn’t love me. I’ve always been clear on that. It has to do with the callousness of his words he uses. Who needs their own feelings trampled on, and thrown back in their face with disrespect? No one. I would never discuss “finding the one” with someone that had feelings for me as if their heart didn’t matter and never did. 

It reminded me of when we were more than just one night of the week. When we laughed and made each other mix CDs. Then I realized that after each and everyone of his “sweet” moments came a request for a favor. How did I become this carpet of his to do with how he pleases? How did I become this human trash can for him to dump the crap on? 

I had this thought that if I was actually a close friend to him and I was telling him of all the things someone did to me likes he’s done, if he cared he would have told me that I was stupid and that I deserve to be treated better than that. Funny how that would have worked. This would be where the good days no longer are more than the bad days. 

I can’t believe I’m in this place. I can’t believe I’ve let things get this bad. For what? For what? I know that I’ve never treated anyone like this so its not karma. Especially with this relationship. I’ve been more kind, concerned and accommodating than with anyone else in my life and it’s the worst return in history. I guess it’s one of those compensation things. 

I just realized that he hates these feelings that i had/have but they’re what’s kept me here for him so long and now in a karmic twist he treats my feelings like my home and makes me want to be further away from here than ever. So amongst the spilled wine, the dirty dishes and the broken glass I found you’ll be able to see my heart at the bottom of it all. It’s in tiny pieces with his foot prints all over. What did I ever do to be treated like that? The answer? Nothing. I have never done anything like that. 

My therapist is going to enjoy me today. At least I can be done knowing that there’s nothing more that I could have done. Thank God for therapy, exercise and knowing what I deserve. This too shall pass after a good scrub down of my kitchen later. 

I’ve spent years trying to look at our situation through both our eyes. I wish, just once, he would have done the same. 

  

Mood Music… And Another Discussion About Expectations.

I flip flop about the way I listen to music. Some days I let my iTunes library be my guide, other days I like to listen to the mood playlists on Spotify. I usually don’t agree with their playlists but it gives me the opportunity to listen to new stuff or stuff I’ve missed.

Today, I was thinking about my mood music and what I listen to when I’m “moody” so here’s what I came up with:

Angry: Pennywise, Distrubred, Korn, Nine Inch Nails.

Sad: Tim McGraw’s Don’t Take The Girl (that’s my go to cry song if I feel like I need to cry), Blue October.

Spiritual: Plumb, Enation.

Sexy: The Golden Palominos, Poe, The Weeknd, Fiona Apple, Heather Nova.

Happy: Bastille, The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, Ellie Goulding.

On sunny afternoon drive: Ray LaMontagne, Leonard Cohen, Hozier.

When I feel like I wanna dance: Marc Anthony, Sia.

When it’s a rainy day: Jessie Ware, David Grey, Nina Simone, or any jazz.

When I want to dream: Instrumental or Lindsey Stirling.

Of course this list changes by the day according to the mood I have already verses the mood I want to be in. That’s one expectation that’s always met. Music has the ability to change my mood in a heartbeat.

Expectations are a funny thing. What’s the saying, “Hope for the best and expect the worst?!” Blah horrible yet true phrase. The thing is, I’m not sure that my expectations are that high to begin with.

These are the things in life that I expect…
When I get an amazing blowout I expect it to rain soon.
I expect my GBF to always send me a “Good morning” text with some cute meme.
I can always count on not hearing back from my brother for about three days after I text him.
I know that my boss will always be late, except on Fridays when I have his check ready.
I expect to never have feelings as deeply as I do for THE friend for anyone else.
I expect those feelings to never be reciprocated.
I expect that I will always get tired of my natural hair color and always go back to blonde.
I expect that almost all calls after midnight are usually either booty calls or bad news.
I expect that the feeling of running away will come soon, again.
I expect that the dishes in my sink will stay there until I either don’t have any dishes left to use or I get seriously bored one day.

Those are the things that I can usually count on in life. No surprises there. However, while chatting with my GBF earlier we were joking about finding “husbands” somewhere. He said that I need to lower my expectations. This I won’t do. First, because I tried and it didn’t work and second what the hell is wrong with having an expectation that I want to date someone who I feel connected with. Since when was that a bad idea?

To some girls, settling means that they find a guy less attractive or with less money or with a lessor job than they planned. To me, settling is to find someone that I don’t connect with. It’s that simple. I don’t have strong connections to many people. I have a crapload of friends or acquaintances but few strong connections. These are the people that I’d spend my last dime on, ones that I’d let live in my space, ones that I give more of myself to than I’ve done with anyone else. These people are the ones that know my secrets, almost all my secrets.

So, no. I’m not going to settle in that area. I guess if that means it’s just me, my BFF and a lot of dogs when we grow old and are pulling our insignificant social security check at the end of the month then so be it. I suppose I should start expecting that as well then.

Things aren’t always as simple as changing a mindset. Some days maybe I wish things were that easy. I’d do the whole “Poof” and now I actually want to marry any one of the last few guys that have asked. But no, I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of expectations that are so low in my daily life that there’s not much room for error.

I think this solar eclipse (singing Total Eclipse of the Heart each time I say that) has me feeling strange. A bit anxious, maybe a little sad and something that I’m not quite sure of. I’m sure that the horror movie I just watched didn’t really help that mood much. It’s now time for a run I guess and then bed I guess. I’ll just go about my expected routine tonight.

Hope you’re having a great week. What’s your mood music?

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When the Truth Is Too Truthful… A first hand experience.

Today was a day that I got up way too early and did way too much way too fast. I went to bed last night around 3/4 am and was up at 7/8. That doesn’t happen to me much at all. I had two long conversations about shit I don’t even remember now with my BFF and GBF. Then I finished off the night with some of my favorite TV watching.

It’s not only the shows that make it my favorite but the company and also the fact that it’s the only night of the week when I am not doing thirty different things and really paying attention to what I watch. But tonight went a little different because there was something weighing on my mind. I guess it’s been there for a while now but I haven’t really had the thought process to get it out on here or on paper.

It’s a favor. That’s the bottom line. It’s a friend that asked a favor which would normally be no big deal right? Except this friend THE friend is different. How do you convey that the favor isn’t a big deal, you’ll probably never be happy about it but the only reason you continue to do it is because of the “feelings you have for them” and a few other reasons which seem insignificant at the time. When he asks “What will make it ok?” and your only answer that will truly make you happy about doing the favor is the false sense of there being a future, something that will never happen and yet the only thing that would make it ok. That’s a bitch right?

The truth is a bitch. Reality is a bitch. And so I become a bitch. Well, not so much a bitch but I shut down. It’s not his words, his actions or the favor that shuts me down tonight. It’s the realization as to why I’m doing the favor and what the answer is and knowing that the question will always be unanswered, well answered but not with the outcome as to what’s wanted.

Truth is here, it gets tougher because every single good and decent action or word is something that I can check off my checklist of things that I want or need. That’s the hard part. Cooking – check, cleaning – check, telling stories and history and expanding my knowledge – check, making me feel safe and comfortable – check, making it into my #jarchallenge – check, knowing me or things about me that I inadvertently share – check.

So basically what’s going on here is that with each passing day or time we spend together he’s flaming an ash of a fire that should have never been burning to begin with. He’s doing this “push and pull game” without even knowing it or he knows it and is just a jerk. One day he’s sweet and says the right things but he’s doing the wrong this. The next day he’s saying the wrong things and doing the right things. It’s like a game to see just how long I’ll keep taking the bait.

I read this article the other day about the increasing number of open relationships. I wonder if I’d have to give a disclaimer to anyone I date from now on. The disclaimer would read… “Ready to have a relationship but be warned, you will have to share me with someone else. My body would be yours however my heart belongs to someone who doesn’t treat it well and doesn’t want it. My mind will be half yours only when you don’t do something that reminds me of him. Good Luck. You’ll need it.” I guess it’s a good thing that I’m open to open relationships.

I think he thinks that my reasons for not wanting to do this favor are insignificant and silly. I wonder how he’d feel if he ever knew the truth? I’m sure he’d either roll his eyes or say something rude. Apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t think my feelings for him are a joke. Most days they feel like a punishment only for the lack of reciprocation. On the few days that nothing goes wrong I’m at peace with them. Tonight, they feel like a burden but a strangely comforting burden. If that even makes sense. Tonight, I’ll just go to sleep thinking about what would make me happy. At least, in my dreams, I’m able to get my happy ending.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

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The Tale of Two Men… My Day Today.

I woke up early but exhausted. I don’t know why. I didn’t go to bed late but it might have been the one drink. I told you I’m a lightweight. I threw on some clothes that were clean enough and painted my face, after throwing my hair into a messy tail. I knew I’d have to leave early enough to get a very large coffee that was overpriced because the Folgers just wasn’t going to cut it today.

I arrived at the office with large coffee and breakfast in hand, decided I’d actually open the blinds this morning to let in some semblance of sunshine even though the true light didn’t shine through till the afternoon. Then I sat in my comfy leather worker bee chair and commenced to work. After about an hour, I got a phone call from one of my bosses friends who also happens to be a millionaire investor. He’d asked if he could come by and get some stuff notarized and printed and faxed. He’s a much older gentleman who finds no need for the technology of present day until he does.

When he showed up about 1.5 minutes later (apparently assuming that I would already have been there when he called) he pulls up in this tiny little Honda. This is not a man that fits his car. He excitedly got out and walked over to me, already outside. He immediately started cracking jokes at his expense about Rogaine and Viagra. After his comedy hour had stopped I asked him why he drove such a modest car. Not that it matters but I’m a girl who likes cars and was just curious. He said he’d done the Rolls and the Jag and was just trying to live more simplistically. I can understand and respect that.

I think a lot of his money came from inheritance and from some work that he did in his prime but it’s nice to see that not all the “other half” or the “2%” of the world don’t all have an “in your face” attitude about their money. But we had a nice conversation about different things and then I asked if he was interested in getting into some non-profit type of thing. So, we have an appointment for lunch next week where we can discuss setting up a charity or something. I’m going to have to think about what it is that I want to do first. That’s my dream job.

Which brings me to my current job. I’ve been here for seventeen years and have known one of the owners for 20 years. He likes to say that I’m his sister and I like to say that he’s an asshole. He’s a middle-aged man who thinks he’s a rockstar. We have a very different relationship because I don’t sugarcoat things to him and he lets me get away with quite a bit. Is it equal? Absolutely not, but that’s something that he’ll never see because he’s a control freak, has A.D.D., and is a narcissist. Apparently, I attract a certain type of man in my life but however it’s explained we don’t have a normal Boss/Employee relationship.

He’s been at his worst lately, though. I knew something was wrong but it didn’t concern me so I just was my bitchy self to him and he barely showed up to work. He’d be too drunk from the night before to even answer an email, text or pick up the phone and it was just pissing me and the rest of his employees off. Today, though, we’d started talking about his cousin’s wedding. A wedding that I was supposed to attend but was not feeling well so I couldn’t. I’d asked if he brought his girlfriend and I could kind of see the story on his face already.

They met years ago, my boss and his girlfriend. They were both still married to others at the time with children. Obviously, this led to both of them getting divorces but only in the last few years did that happen. My boss is the type of guy that likes to have his cake and eat it too and being that he was a control freak, he wanted his marriage of convenience and his girl on this side. But that didn’t happen. He went through a huge bit of depression. He had to and still has to deal with his ex-wife’s anger towards him. But after a while he was ready to have the girlfriend move here. She lived in another city about four hours away.

She did move here but instead of the promised, readily available home he’d promised her he asked that she move in to an apartment until his kids had time to adjust. She’s a petite woman in her mid 40’s. She’s very attractive but I’m sure she doesn’t believe it. She doesn’t appear to be that self-aware. We’ve spoken on a few occasions and it left me with the impression that she’s a natural nurturer but that has the tendency to take a backseat to all others in her life. She’s a giver, giver, giver until she breaks. Well, I think she broke.

So, as we sat in my bosses office this morning, he explained that she was moving back to her previous home, didn’t want to talk to or see him anymore and was just over everything. This, I understand. I felt this instant sympathy pain for her because I both knew what she was dealing with as far as he’s concerned (I have know him for 20 years) but also because it reminded me so much of the friendship that THE friend and I have.

To give, give and give to someone who is so focused on themselves and all they can do it take, take, take. To give up so much control as to how things are. To never use the word “no” because it sounds like such an ugly four letter word to them. I understand what it’s like to give until you break. The only differences between her and I are that I’m a strong female who never broke. While it felt or feels as though I’m being ripped in half some days I’ve never fully broken. The second similarity is that I’ve been through this and know what I needed/need and can at the very least pass that knowledge on. So, I did.

I talked a lot about things he could do, say or show her that would help. I told him to write her an actual hand written letter, to get on his knees and be as emotionally vulnerably honest as he could be right in front of her. I explained to him that women don’t remember dates and times. We remember moments and actions. 

For the next hour, my boss sat there and listened to me, only to get shh’ed each time he tried to interject anything. I told him that he was selfish, narcissistic, a control freak and he takes anger, sadness and frustration out on those closest to him because he assumes that they’ll always be there. I explained in detail that he is constantly taking people for granted and that to “on-lookers” it’s as though they become disposable in his eyes. I went on to explain that him trying to control everything was impossible and that he needed to take care of and focus on changing his entire life if he ever wanted to be happy.

After about 45 minutes of this, I could see that things were starting to hit him hard and for the first time in 20 years he looked like how he actually felt inside. With total honesty he looked at me and said he agreed with every single thing I was saying and that he is totally in love with her and scared to death of losing her. Then I saw it. The tear which then turned in to two tears and at the end of this unplanned “intervention” there was a broken, hurting, scared boy but for the first time in a long time he was human to me. His truth and his tears made me realize just how vulnerable he was and just how much I’d hit home with him.

My intent was never to make him cry or to make him hurt. My intention was to make him see and understand her side and how she feels and just how bad she must feel to just up and leave when she is truly and completely in love with him as well. My intent was to use what I have or what I go through as a lesson. If my pain or feeling like I’m being taken for granted or anything that I’ve gone through can help someone else then I’m ok with that. Or at least I can be better at being ok about it.

I don’t live in a world where I have normal relationships. It’s just that simple. I’m not sad about that or I’m just used to that. I don’t even know anymore. I know that my run after work and after grocery shopping was needed more than ever. And because feeling like you’re unappreciated is probably one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt, I reached out to his girlfriend. I asked her to have dinner with me before she leaves and she said she would love to. I’ll see what I can do because I think those two are actually right for each other. They are ying and yang. I know what that feels like as well. 

The other side of the token is this though. During my run, my meditation, I started thinking about his side of things because that’s the curse of being an empathetic person. You get to feel it from both sides… That sucks. But I texted him after and said that I wasn’t going to apologize for being truthful with him but that I was sorry he was hurting. That’s the truth. I also finished off the text with a nice, “But I’m doing this because I care. Stupid asshole”. His response was “Thank you, I love you like my own”. To which he will never see a reply because that shits just getting too real and too emotional now.

So now, after all of that and my BFF going into a multiple sclerosis relapse, I am just emotionally drained. Remember the other night, when I posted something about screaming, “SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ME FOR ONCE!” Yeah, I think I’m silently screaming that now. I’m pretty sure I was also complaining about being bored too. When I do, remind me of days like today and tell me to shut the eff up… Okay?

So that is my life right now. Never normal. Never perfect. So, my tales of two men today: One who has the power to put me in the position to have my dream job and the second who gets to learn the error of his ways from his employee who gets to do it all while calling him an asshole. Now I’m off to soak in the tub, to read and to do yoga… Just kidding. I’m going to spot clean, watch crappy TV and fall asleep exhausted after watching some porn on my iPad.

I hope you all enjoy your evenings.

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And The Award Goes To…

Yep, I watched the Oscars and as I said the other night this will be the year that I’ve watched a lot of the movies that had been nominated. I was happy about that although there’s a few others that I want to see now. Ah, the movies. Life’s little pleasure that takes us out of our own life for just a moment and makes us become voyeurs to another. Sometimes these other lives are better and sometimes not.

That was also a “million dollar question”. What movie would you want to be in instead of your own life? I’m sure my answer back then was probably some Zalman King movie and catch me on a good day and it still would be but as far as a regular movie? I have no idea. I think, right now I’m stuck in between ‘Just Friends’ and the ‘Sweetest Thing’.

Now, speaking of ‘Just Friends’, I watched the award show with THE Friend and shockingly, don’t really have much to complain about. In fact, it reminded me a bit of the times that I’d been missing with the fun and playfulness. He even stayed over but not in that way. He slept on the couch which would not have been my first choice but it’s the only choice in his mind I suppose. If we can stay that way, not get into any ruts, big arguments and he can just be a bit less obvious with his blatant attempts to keep us in the friend-zone forever then I’ll be fine. I’ve always said that I know what we are, well, as far as “that” is concerned.

I liked the fact that while I was sleeping he was going about his morning very comfortably. I like that he feels that he can call this a second home if needed and I won’t even harp on the not picking up after himself. Truth is, I don’t actually mind that much as it’s kind of training for when I actually live with someone.

See, that’s a difference between he and I. He’s lived with a crapload of people, dating or roommates but I haven’t. My space is sacred and has always been until him. I like that I can come home, take my pants off before the front door is shut, kick off my shoes wherever I want and don’t have to make excuses for a mess or unclean dishes or whatever. I’m sure he’s taken sanctuary in many different homes with many different people but I’m good that this is new to me. See, he’s my first there…

I did wake in the middle of the morning sometimes in excruciating pain and reached for a pain pill that was left on my bedside table as a foreshadowing. Then, I seemed to have passed out again and woke sometime late morning. I made my coffee, ate a bowl of granola and worked from home for a bit. But in the interim of my pill coma I seem to remember having a dream about something strange. THE friend and I were camping and we were sitting around this camp fire and he was just talking about his life and I was so ensconced in his stories, his words that I didn’t realize that we were surrounded by shooting stars. It was just the two of us, with his words and shooting stars… WTH does that mean?

That is one thing that I like. I like listening to him when he talks about his family, or history or things he knows. Unfortunately, this communication is always salted with mean comments or shitty things he says but once I get past those things I actually hear not just listen to him. Most of the conversations I have with people are me staring at them intently while making a list of groceries to buy in my head. I’ve learned the subtle art of “Oh Wow!” or “Oh, my God!” intricately placed within someone’s sentences to give the appearance of my attention being paid to them. I suppose that sounds bad but I’ve already said that I don’t have much of an attention span so there’s that.

I know I said that I wouldn’t talk much about him anymore but I feel like I need to paint a better picture than the one I’ve given already and that means touching on the good points of him too. Some days those overwhelm the bad points and on those days I’m happy about our “ship”. He’s strangely been “my first” for a lot of things so he’s important. I do worry that we’ll grow into a rut and I still worry that he’ll take this for granted again and worst of all I’ll worry that he’ll find another, or better second home but until then I can still enjoy him, in (sadly) a none sexual way 🙂

Lastly, on another good note, even though I felt like roadkill today I still got my run in and my exercise. In the past, it’s been easy for me to neglect my exercise and fall off the wagon because I didn’t feel well. That’s how I know this is sticking this time because I need it for my sanity and because it helps in all things. I think I’ll amp things up tomorrow by adding something else.

In closing, I suppose the award goes to THE friend last night. Maybe that’s what he was saying in my dream. Maybe it was his acceptance speech 🙂 or maybe it was my subconscious just having him say nice things to me for an hour. Who the hell knows.

Hope you are all having a great week so far.

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