Feelings like home… or not.

I’ve had a bad couple of days. The only comfort has been in my home, alone. Moving from the bed to the couch in amazing amounts of pain but doing it so I at least felt as though I was somewhat productive. The new guy asked if he could come over and I declined. I declined to not only let him in my home but also to let him know that I’m not having a great week.

There’s few things that mean comfort to me and he’s not one of them yet. I also feel as though my home is my sanctuary away from being someone that maybe I don’t feel like being right now. Truth is, I want to feel bad in my own home without pants and sleep on the couch with a movie that I’ve seen 20 times on in the background. He’s not allowed to see that. Not right now.

He’s been honest with me about the days he doesn’t feel well and I appreciate that. You all know how I feel about honesty. It is by far one of the most sexiest things for a guy to be. But also, I guess, it excuses behavior as well. He feels as if he doesn’t get right back to me I need some sort of explanation but I don’t.

I’ve tried to explain to him that if we choose to date, he’ll soon realize that I’m not a “normal” girl. I don’t have to see someone all the time nor do I need constant positive reinforcement that we’re ok. I’m not that needy, it’s in my sign. But I do know that his sign requires a bit more attentiveness on my part and I may be willing to do that the more comfortable I get with him. I’m just not there right now.

He left today for California for a week. I feel a little relieved. That’s probably not good but I want him to do his own thing and not have to have each weekend where we’re together. I don’t know, I guess I should allow myself to go a little “girl brain” but right now I just need to make it through the week without having a breakdown.

My friend the Shaman called the other day and asked me to come by. When I did she had some interesting things to say to me. She knew about the new guy but her concern was more on THE friend. I tried to explain to her that that entire thing is a mute point since I don’t even see any love being reciprocated at this point and I’m done trying to love a brick wall covered by a barbed wire fence. She had some other thoughts about it all though and again, I just brushed them all off because I’ve done everything that I can and without any words back anything I’ve said has fallen on deaf ears, or blind eyes.

The sad fact is that I would do anything for THE friend if he’d asked. I would be whatever he wanted and be where he needed. Yet it’s so painfully obvious that he doesn’t need or want me in him life. It shouldn’t hurt since there is someone that does want all those things and more but it does. It hurts that I’ve tried more than I’ve ever tried with anyone to fix things. It hurts that his actions are so emotionless. He’s so emotionless. I’ve not hurt him. I’ve defended him when needed and ignored things that I probably shouldn’t have all for the sake of this friendship and it feels like its dying. If you care for something you fight for it. But if the other person has already left the ring there’s no point.

I am physically and emotionally drained and in pain so that’s all my thoughts this evening. I’m going to just go into the darkness somewhere and have weird dreams that are strangely comforting right now. Apparently it’s the only place that THE friend and I are ok maybe even great with each other. I wish I was strong enough to believe in my dreams right now because I still love him immensely.

Single tree space background

Single tree space background

Time is fleeting… As well as other things.

My mind has not been on writing for a while and it’s kind of rare. There’s been a few things that have happened since the last emotional download. First, THE friend has been at my home for a week and a half. I am happy to have his there. I like being able to come home and there being another body there; however, it’s made me realize a lot.

Let me backtrack a bit. Last Tuesday I’d woken up to a text from my old mechanic. I’ve not seen him in a long time and he sent some messages about “hey where ya been?” “I miss ya”. He never knew me that well but we had a great vibe. The texting went on and he’d asked me out.  He’s not my type and I told him that I wasn’t interested.

The day after that, I’d seen someone that I worked with and he’d asked me out. He said he’d remember that we’d always had fun and wanted to “recreate” that momentum. Fast forward a few days and I go out, Friday night, with some friends. We went to a shitty dive bar and while it’s not actually hard to get hit on with drunk men at that place it was ego boosting. By the time that I got home, a bit drunk and saw THE friend there I realized that this is all there will be, with him.

I have options, a lot. This isn’t because I look like a super model because I don’t. It’s not because I have tons of money because I don’t. It’s not because I have a great car, big house or other tangible items because I don’t. This is all because people, men, actually like my personality and find it fun to be around me. This is something that I’d forgotten, I guess.

I realized that of all the things I WAS willing to do for THE friend, there would never be an equality to our relationship. He would NEVER appreciate the human that I am and he will never fully appreciate the things I have done, or would do for him. I realized early on that it really has never mattered which warm body he’s sitting next to. I literally could have “Freaky Friday’ed” myself with anyone and he would never have realized it wasn’t me any longer.

Then, I thought about the person he makes me become when I’m with him. I become passive-aggressive because being assertive doesn’t make a difference. I say things that I’d normally never say because he literally hurts my feelings all the time. That last sentence sounds like such an elementary thing to say. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

These last few months have been an eye-opening experience. I’ve been so afraid of saying things that might hurt him, or saying the truth because I’ve been so afraid of him leaving and I never see him again. The difference now is that I don’t “have” him. He’s never truly with me when he’s even actually WITH me. He becomes complacent about me, my home and everything. That is not ok.

For whatever reason that he has actually been at my home for the last week and a half it’s never been about me. That is plainly clear. In fact, it was almost apparent that when I actually did come home there was this err of almost disappointment on his face, like “Oh shit. Now I have to try to interact? Fuck!”. It was hurtful to begin with but then I just tried to ignore it knowing that there was obviously a reason that he was there which had nothing to do with me. Maybe he was escaping something, maybe he didn’t have something at his home or maybe he just wanted to “be” somewhere else.

My need for articulation has gone. My need to make him realize that I’m awesome has gone. My need for anything is gone. There was a point where I WOULD have done anything he needed but it’s no longer a position that I care to be in because I realize that whatever action, favor or emotion that I freely gave to him, doesn’t change a thing.

I think that I looked at this last week and a half as an “old married couple” experience which it did seem for a while but what I liked about it was I felt coupled when I realistically should have just felt “roommated”. 

My heart or my emotions are no longer in control. The only thing that I’m listening to is my mind and my gut which both tell me that every single bit of awesomeness that I have will never be appreciated by him what-so-ever. It will never matter to him who I really am. He’ll never greet me warmly when I walk through the door. He’ll never say “bless you” when I sneeze. He’ll never treat my home, my belongings or myself as I deserve.

These realizations have probably come way too late. I’ve spent a long time wondering, “Why am I not good enough”. When this entire time I should have only been wondering, “What’s next? I’m ready!” Because of emotions that I felt for him it’s gotten me to a place where I am ready, happy and excited for my next relationship. I’ll never be sad that happened. I am grateful for the experience.

So, I wore my heart on my sleeve around him. I don’t even wish that one day he’ll figure out just what he had in me. I don’t wish that he regret not “trying” with me. I literally don’t think, or wish anything about “us” or our “ship” any longer. I am already preparing to go home tonight to a messy, empty house and I’ll start to pick up the pieces he’s left behind little by little and I won’t even be mad at the numerous little signs of disrespect that he’ll have no doubt left all around my home. 

I know that he might never find a strong enough female that will love him completely, accept ALL his faults and flaws and still want to come home to him every single night like I would have. I will pray for him to find that person though, as I would hope he’s done for me or will do. But in my life, complacency is no longer an option. 

This is a new era my friends. I finally don’t care. That is truly a good thing. I promise. He will always have access to my life and my home but no longer my heart. You treat something poorly for long enough you lose it. I hope that’s a lesson to everyone. 

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 3.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. Complaint free – Check. Again a few goods things about today. We had a bit too much fun at work joking around and trying to take our minds off the workload that we all have right now. It worked.
2. No spending money – Half check. I was given some money by someone at work today so I used that to splurge on something so I’m half considering this as checked. After all, I didn’t spend my normal money on anything today except groceries.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 40 minutes today before I realized that I need to take a rest day in between these workouts or I won’t stick with them again. I realize that it’s a really good thing that no one else is with me while I’m working out because red-faced, sweaty and probably stinky is not a good look on anyone. But I’m not doing this for anyone else so it’s a moot point.
4. Eat healthy – Check. We even had a catered lunch and I ordered my favorite healthy dish. Plus I’d forgotten just how much I liked that restaurant that we ordered from. Probably one of my top five favorites of all time.
5. Follow my routine – Check. So far I’ve checked this too. It’s still early and I’m sure my friends are getting frustrated at me for declining on them all week but they will have to deal.

I don’t really have any thoughts for today. Not that I didn’t think but none of it was so awesome that I feel like I need to write about it. I’m in a good mood right now so I’m going to go take advantage of this. xx

extraeffort

Emotional breakdown with a side of reality…

I had finally reached my breaking point yesterday. I just physically broke down. So, in an attempt to be a true friend, my GBF came over today with tissues in hand. I literally look as though someone has punch both my eyes. They are both swollen and red and I’ll need to come up with a great excuse as to why they look so bad for work tomorrow. But the GBF succeeded in pulling out all the information from the last couple of months. I think he was more shocked at the information rather than the intended resolution I’d come up with yesterday. He also had a completely different outcome in mind.

You see, my GBF has always been a huge advocate of “my friends” saying that he really does care and a lot of other BS that I always rolled my eyes at. So, even with the knowledge of my ex, my GBF is still on his side 100%. But these are the facts, as I see them. Has my friend lied to me? Yes, does it matter that I think that it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt me? Maybe. That’s such a huge thing to me, the lying. But aside from that I sat and thought about writing a “Dear John” letter today but knowing that he wouldn’t read it if I did. One thing you have to understand is that I’ve never had a friendship like this before. I’ve never questioned why a friend or a boyfriend has been by my side but his situation is so different.

Just to get it out of my system I’ll let you read the letter…

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend to just be your friend. My feelings for you won’t go away so I need to not have you in my life because it hurts too much. I turned down a marriage proposal not that long ago because I knew I’d never feel about him the way that I feel about you.

You emotionally effect me more than anyone I’ve ever known and I think that you manipulate me because of my feelings. I think that you use me when no one else is around to keep your attention, and I think that you don’t care because you think I’ll always be around, as a last resort to your boredom. I deserve a better friend. I never expected you to love me back but I did expect respect, compassion and someone that I could count on. You said that “X” needs you more right now and that’s why you spend time with him and because I don’t need you at all. I did need you but you never wanted me to actually need you, that was too much responsibility for you.

I can’t get passed the disregard of monetary payback. It’s as if you’ve forgotten about the 520.00 for the application fees that you’ve never attempted to pay back. In this entire time we’ve been friends I’ve spent thousands on you and yes, you didn’t ask for a lot of it but things like the app fees and the tow haven’t even crossed your mind and then you choose to tell me of things you’ve bought your friends, outings, gifts and a new bike, all that became more important than paying back a favor or several. You told me of these gifts and outings without any regard to my feelings, as if you did it with malice.

You DO treat others better than me. You’re kinder, show more concern and you have this charming side with them that I’ve never seen from you. You take your anger out around me, you disregard my feelings and you drop me at a moments notice when someone else comes along. You acknowledge their existence in your life freely but I’m some sort of secret.

I prayed every night that nothing came about with your work stuff and I was fully prepared to help you out no matter what the cost until I realized that I can’t do this to myself anymore because you are not and have never been my responsibility. I have always treated you as someone in my life that you’ve never been. I treated you like a boyfriend when I was getting treated like a piece of trash in return. I deserve better from you.

This pains me to type this because I do love you so much and I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you accidentally have broken my heart over and over again and you’ll keep doing it because I let you. You have more than enough people, especially women, in your life that this won’t effect you at all. It might even take you a long time to notice that I’m gone. I will never be replaceable and one day I need you to acknowledge that I wasn’t. I need to be around friends that I’ve never questioned their love. I never knew that there was a point where you could love someone too much. Maybe I was loving you for the both of us.

If you choose to reply please do not do so in anger. This is not an angry message. it’s a painful one and anger does not help. This doesn’t take away the appreciation I have for the things that you have done, but I have just become aware of what you could have done, how you could have treated me and that others who’ve given you less have gotten more from you.”

And there you have it folks the most honest truth that I can give right now. It’s never been his fault that I could see a future with us, kids, a good life. I would never tell him that because he’s just too jaded to hear that. I’ve loved beyond words and have been hurt beyond comprehension. Short of a miracle this is actually it for us. I can’t keep putting myself in the position to have my heart broken over and over again.

I hope to feel better soon. Good Night.