Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

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A month away and noticing all my flaws…

It’s been a month since I’ve posted something and kept it on here. I’ve posted and written a lot of stuff but, for some reason, decided I didn’t want to keep it on here. My mind has been all over the place lately. There’s been a lot of stuff going on but when I think I want to write about it I, later, change my mind.

What I haven’t been doing lately is taking care of myself. I have been finding it necessary to take care of everyone else first. This was not supposed to be the case. I believe a few posts back I said that I was going to have a very selfish month. Apparently I don’t do selfish very well.

When I see people around me in pain, upset, hurt or lonely all I want to do is comfort them at any expense necessary. That’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure I’ve spent one day in the last month that was entirely for me. What I need is to get my hair done, my nails done and a nice massage. I will probably NOT get any of that done soon though.

My boss’s son is in the hospital. He came home for a few days then went back in. My boss and I are barely speaking because of a fight we got into so that’s been weird. My dad is still in the hospital but making it home Friday, I think. My crazy friend is having health issues and lastly, I haven’t seen my distraction for almost 4 weeks now.

So my boss and his son had a terrible accident happen and for the first week we were all just patiently waiting the results. He’s a tough kid. I love that kid so much and he’s seriously one of the strongest people I know. Seeing him in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes was heartbreaking but he made it through and quickly recovered yet went back in the hospital with complications. He’s strong though, as I said, and he will get through this.

One night, while my boss was dealing with many many emotions I’d gone to his house late to do some work. He, one of his closest friends and I sat talking. This was not a great idea as he’d been drinking and I was emotional as well and we just got into an argument about his ex-girlfriend. He said some really shitty things and even though I could have said something just as shitty or worse back at him I got up and just left without saying anything. I don’t argue to hurt someone. I try my damnedest to not hurt anyone around me. My worst offense is the silent treatment and I know that I need to stop doing that but when I’m hurt or upset or worried that’s what I do.

So within this silent treatment I ignored his “somewhat” apology and we only discuss work. Period. I’ve stop talking to his ex-girlfriend and have just moved on. I’m sure we will have a discussion at some point but as long as we’ve both got something to occupy our minds it’ll be a while because I’m a stubborn bitch.

You know, that’s one of the things they say about Aquarius’s is that we can be thinking about someone till it kills us but we still won’t pick up the phone, text or reach out what-so-ever. It’s a shitty habit we have and it’s not an excuse. I know I need to do better. There’s people that I think about all the time and just don’t say shit. It’s another one of my flaws I suppose.

I have been getting “fitter” by accident also. I’ve not been eating so I’m going to just blame that on “intermittent fasting”. Truth is by the time I’m done with my day I’ve realized that I just didn’t eat and most days don’t care to. I guess that’s what happens when you’re mind is busy worried all the time about everyone but yourself.

My dad, well he’s been in the hospital for almost 2 months now. That’s been a weird thing. I want him to come home as long as he’s ready and willing to work to keep himself healthy. My mom is his caretaker and he needs to treat her more kindly as well but that’s a conversation that my brother needs to have with him as we still don’t have very many conversations over 5 minutes. At least, if he’s home, my mom can stop worry so much and he’ll be comfortable.

My crazy friend with the health issues, she worries herself sick most of the time. I think that’s a flaw that a lot of people have but as soon as something is wrong around her she takes on that guilt or sadness or anger. These are all things that I try to tell her to let go of BUT I am a hypocrite.

I take on guilt and sadness and emotions from others that I have no business keeping. In some weird way I feel like if I take them then they don’t have to feel that anymore. I’m aware that is some flaw and maybe part of being an empath but it doesn’t help me any. At least I am admitting my faults. That’s the first step right?

My one distraction, as of late, was the drummer but as I said we’ve not seen each other in almost a month. The last time we did we had a good conversation and it was about how he wanted to have this “Private girlfriend” type of relationship with me which I was fine with, in fact, it’s what I’d written about on here not that long before and he talked about love again which I was getting more comfortable with and then poof… He’s gone.

The first couple weeks I’d explained his absence by saying maybe he realized what he said and now feels vulnerable. Then it was, “His kids are out of school” or “then this” or “then that”. Now that it’s been as long as it’s been I’ve just sadly written off the good things that he’d said and keep remembering “He’s just not that into you”. I know I’ve referenced this movie so many times but at the end of the day if a guy WANTS to see or talk to you he will. I’ve told him before that I would work around HIS schedule because he’s got more shit going on so… That’s where we are. No where. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Truth here, I miss him. I miss him like I really didn’t think I would because we really haven’t spent that much time together. I just liked his energy and the way I felt around him. I will be sad and maybe for a while but this is why I kept my heart to myself. Hope for the best but expect the worst I guess. There’s always been a chance that he’d go back to his wife, find another girl now that he’s single or just want to stay out of anything emotional for a while. These are all the reasons I kept my walls down but my heart closed.

I’m going to see my Shaman friend on Sunday. Hopefully she’ll be able to tell me something good so I don’t feel so sad right now. Maybe she can cleanse my aura or unblock my bad luck at love. Maybe then I’ll find someone or I won’t feel so alone or something that doesn’t seem depressing. Who knows? He’s been my comfort for a couple months and it sucks to not have that. Even if it was only a couple times a month.

Every once in a while I think that it’s something that I’ve done. Like, I kept him too much of a secret or I don’t look pretty enough or I didn’t say “I love you” back. There’s a thousand and one things that go through a girls mind when a guy just stops wanting to see her. When he stops putting any effort out there and eventually I just have to give up the notion that it was “meant to be”. Because when things are meant to be they just happen and no one is left wondering what they did wrong.

So on top of everything that’s going on above and the fact that my comfort has disappeared I’m just in a blah, stuck place that I hate. I hate feeling sad, lonely, not good enough and not at peace. It sucks… That’s all I can say is that it sucks and that’s my reality these days. I’m just tired of being single I think. I know that I say that knowing that I’ve passed up so many good even great men in my life and this might be my karma. I wasn’t investing all my hopes and dreams on the drummer but I was thinking that I was comfortable for a while now and I wasn’t having to “search” for anything else. I guess I’m back to looking for something.

I hope that YOU are not where I am right now and that your life is awesome and joyful and peaceful. That is what I will be grateful for today if nothing else.

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My continuation from yesterday, on a rainy day…

I realized that I never even got to the weirdness or drama of my life yesterday. Maybe that’s why I don’t write during the day. They say the artist’s time is at night. Not that I’m saying I’m an artist but the creative type… you get it.

So a couple weeks ago I started talking to my friend again. The one who’s husband I work with. We hadn’t really spoken in a while because I was over the drama. I was over being sucked into whatever was going on with her. I don’t actually remember why we started talking again but when we did a huge secret came out of her mouth. She’d told me that she was having a relationship with someone that knows her husband and is actually one of her brother-in-laws best friends.

This news didn’t surprise me from her but it reminded me of one thing that I’ll never do and have never done. I’ve never slept with anyone who was a friend of an ex. I think that is just one of the tackiest things to ever do. I would never sleep with a friend of an ex or current boyfriend or FWB, flirt with or do anything inappropriate with. That’s just a line I wouldn’t cross. Men are territorial. I respect that. Which brings me to my next thought…

I’ve been told on several occasions that I make an amazing friend and I’d make an amazing wife but I’m a terrible girlfriend. I don’t disagree with this statement and never have. Most guys that I date know that my friends come first and always will. I do anything for my friends. Boyfriends just never seem to keep my attention and I’m terrible at communication. I’m quiet and don’t really ever feel comfortable with public displays of affection and because I’m so secretive about who I’m dating, having any sort of relationship with or having feelings for it’s weird for the guy.

I’ve spoken about him before but I think one of my favorite FWB’s was this guy who was dominant. Not so dominant that he was controlling or maybe he was but in a good way. He would kind of take over everything. He knew what I liked. He’d either buy me or tell me what to wear. He’d order my food or drink and he’d just grab my hand in public knowing that I’d feel uncomfortable but he knew I needed that whether I wanted it or not. In the bedroom he was passionate but also dominant which is perfect too. We’re not talking “Fifty Shades of Shit” here. I don’t know it’s just something about being this professional business woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone during the day and at night I just let him take control.

The thing about that guy above was that he wasn’t in any of my other circles. He’d never met my friends, family or work. I’d go to his work dinners and we’d enjoy these fantastically expensive trips and dinners out. He was classy and sophisticated. I remember sitting listening to classical music laying on the couch one night and looking at him thinking that this was perfect for me until I realized he was always just going to be that. I liked how he treated me but he was strictly classical. If I’d started playing some Lamb of God’s or something he would have lost his shit. So, the great parts of what that relationship was and the great parts about him go into the “intention setting” jar with the best parts of others to find my perfect man.

The reason I bring that guy up is that at one of his work dinners I remember a client of his hitting on me. I was respectful but also quickly respectfully explained that I wouldn’t cross that line. I never told him it happened because there was never a need to. But it just brings up that there are certain “rules” or expectations that should be followed out of nothing more than kindness I guess. Whether you’re with a boyfriend, casually dating or FWB’s there are still “rules”. These are all the reasons why I’ve never made it to the “wife” title and because I’m apparently an enigma. Guys are so used to women being like my friend above that when a girl comes along that’s not like that they almost don’t believe it or they keep testing to see when the “crazy” will come out.

When the boys keep testing the waters to see when the crazy will come out, it’s just annoying and then I lose interest. All I can think is, “Look if you don’t believe that I’m who I say I am then I don’t need to be around you.”. I don’t have a vindictive side, a jealous side or even a cruel side. When someone hurts me I try to understand why they would instead of instantly flying into some emotional craze. I don’t actually know if that’s a flaw or a bonus but when you understand why someone is the way they are it makes me less likely to just disappear. It’s an empath thing I guess. I don’t know.

But now we move on to something that’s fun and kind of ties into the things about the guy above that I liked. The drummer has those qualities. He’s very dominant and I like that. But the other night he actually requested the outfit of the fantasy that I told you all about a couple months ago. I’ve never discussed this with him and was instantly turned on. It didn’t happen for my own reasons but all I can hope is that the opportunity comes up again.

He’s a weird one… I mean HE’S not weird but the way we interact is weird. He’s another one that appears to keep waiting for my crazy to come out. Men just don’t get that I don’t have that bullshit crazy about me that most women do. I have my crazy it’s just in a weird hippy spiritual way. My analytical and logical sides have always won over than my emotional side has. The emotional crazed bitch side of things would probably make it easy for most girls to get jealous or pissed off about all the women he’s with. But my logical side says, “This dudes been in a relationship for a long time. He NEEDS to treat dating like a buffet for a while.” Which is probably by I’m kept my feelings in check.

I’ve never really been one that “falls in love” with a FWB’s anyway. It’s like there’s a switch that can either get turned off or on. At the beginning of meeting someone I quickly assume “leave the switch on” or “keep that switch the fuck off”. I’ve never turned that “he may become more” switch on with him because he’s never been available so it’s still in that mode. However, his comments about how I’m going to fall or going to become emotional or whatever he says are just enforcing that the switch stays in the off position.

The exact type of relationship that I NEED and WANT is hard for guys to understand. Mostly because I don’t communicate it but even in my FWB’s things I need that intimacy. Yeah, I get it, I don’t say that much at all. But I secretly like the private moments of hand holding, caressing and kissing. I don’t need the “How was your day” text messages every day. I need the passion. I don’t need the “What do YOU want to do sweetheart” text messages. I need someone who says, “Be here at 8”. Then when I’m there I need music, and sarcasm and kisses and jokes and passion and sex and laughing and toying and more passion and respect and bonding and stories and hand holding and slow dancing and then when I go home I’m happy to fall asleep with those thoughts and not expect to wake up to a “Good morning beautiful” text message. I guess I need a private boyfriend but a public friend if that makes any sense.

As I said, I’m an enigma. I understand why I’m the perfect friend and wife but a terrible girlfriend. I’m fiercely loyal and understanding. These are the things that I know are great about me. I have my days when I feel like a horrible person for some reason but I know what’s great and amazing about me.

This post has gone on way too long and still not even touched on even more weird shit but I’m done for the day… Just typing my thoughts out so they’re out of my head for today. xXx

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My weird life and other randomness…

These last couple weeks have been strange but again, that’s normal in my not so normal life. There’s been a lot of going out and a lot of meeting people but aside from that there’s been lots of drama. If you’ve been here (my blog) before you’ll know that I don’t usually cause the drama but am somehow in the middle of it while trying to push myself to the closest door to get away from it. Apparently, that’s not been working.

So first I’ll start with last week. I get a text from my brother making sure I knew what was going on. I had been immersed in work and had no idea what he was talking about but quickly found out that my father had been taken to the ER, then passed out, then taken and been admitted into another hospital. At this point everyone was racing around trying to figure out what to do. I was advised to stay where I was until further notice depending on the outcome of whatever the hospital had to say.

In usual fashion, where family is concerned, I was getting different stories, weird updates and disheartening news. The outcome was not going to be good. I had already told my boss that I would be leaving at some point and he’d have to just deal with things himself. By Thursday I was on the road. At this point I had been told my father was in heart, renal and kidney failure and someone was even kind enough to say, “This will be the first Christmas without him”.

My father and I have always had a weird, non-relationship. We’ve never really had a conversation that lasted longer than five uncomfortable minutes and he wasn’t a nice man growing up. With all that said, I’ve learned a lot from him. I am the person I am in business and my wit and business savvy has come from him. I was uneasy about how to feel about all of this but did have a couple cry moments which were unexpected.

The 2 and a half hour drive was cathartic and preparative. When I finally got to my brothers I was met by my sister-in-law and mother and was told that after almost five days my father was able to go home. But he’d be on, basically, hospice care from then on. In case you’re unsure what that is, it’s when someone is sent home to prepare to pass away. Yep, it’s not a pretty thing.

So we went to the hospital and I saw my dad which was weird because, growing up he was this larger than life, dynamic man that I was scared to death of and now he’s just small and frail and looks like he’s given up. I won’t understand what it’s like to be him and I get that but also, he was being so cruel to my mother. She is his only caretaker and I was having a hard time holding my tongue but realizing why he was doing it didn’t make it easier.

After just a day at my brothers I came home the next day and my brother, sister-in-law and niece came to me to visit for a day. We had a blast going to a museum, aquarium and to a nice dinner. They actually all stayed at my place that night and made my small apartment seem even smaller but it worked out. After we got home and everyone went to sleep, I stayed up and chatted with a friend for hours. I think I ended up going to sleep around 3 am and waking up around 6 am not being able to go back to sleep. I kept quiet until my niece popped her head out around 8. We cleaned up and went to brunch then they were on their way home.

I tried to sleep after that but am having a hard time sleeping lately, more than I normally do. Nothing seems to be helping me sleep these days. I just can’t shut my mind off at night. Even during the day if I try to nap my mind is racing like a fucking motorway. There’s so much going on in my world and my head that I can’t work it out. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin again and getting that itchy feeling to run away. I know I say that a lot but one day I’m actually going to do it. I wish that there was something that was truly keeping me here in this place. I just can’t seem to feel comfortable anymore. I’m either out way too much, doing too much or I’m not doing enough. I’m not really talking to anyone these days about my life or how I’m feeling which also, isn’t new.

There is one distraction from time to time and that’s the drummer. I’m happy when we’re together, especially when we’re at his place and it’s just about us and music or even in silence or moaning. But I’m not sure that this is the best thing for me. He’s a great distraction from my life and he’s not complicated. The relationship isn’t complicated. But I think he’s starting to feel too comfortable in this space we’re in that he doesn’t really try like he did in the beginning. I’ve given up on friends for less but he’s my only distraction right now. He’s a good one and I’m enjoying things I’ve dropped 7 potentials because none of them make me feel happy or as happy as when I’m around the drummer and I only have one FWB’s at a time.

If someone comes along and I feel some sort of connection to them then things might change but since I meet new people everyday and that connection is few and far between it appears that I might have to just live in this purgatory space for a while. I’m used to purgatory I guess. It’s where I’ve lived most of my life. I just wish for something amazing soon, something unexpected, something that I’m happily surprised about. I’m so over purgatory. I’m so over being disappointed or unsurprised. Maybe I need a new happy place. And now we’re back to running away again.

I’d love to take a trip soon. Maybe just go be out in nature for a couple days. I imagine the quiet calm of a forest or some shit… I don’t know maybe I’ll just go on a hike. I need to find some peace. That’s all. My mind is all over the place again and I’m losing my focus so that’s it for me today, in the middle of the day, which is weird. I’m such a night writer. Hope your in your happy place today… xXx

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Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me. This was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

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Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

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Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

Putting Together the Best Parts of a Man…

I have spent the last few years finding Mr. Right now except for the fact that most of the time I don’t even want them right now. My type used to be the basic tall, dark and handsome. Had those and that didn’t keep my attention. Then it moved to Latin men, that hasn’t stuck and now I’m just at, “I’d like to meet a man that doesn’t bother the shit out of me, respects me, has an appreciation for something other than his own reflection.” I say that having just had some text messages sent to me from the wrong guy who seems to think that I’m the right woman.

Why do I think I’m the wrong woman? Well, as I was driving back from dinner and game night tonight I was having a conversation with myself in my head and yes, that happens a lot. I was going over all the men I’ve met and that wanted to “get to know me” on some or any level. The one thing that they all had in common was that none of them knew me at all. They each knew pieces of me. Tiny, little pieces that I’ve chosen to let them know but nothing of significance. Even with the guys that I thought I loved, they’ve never seen all of me. I guess that’s a thing right? I guess that that’s how I’ll know he’s the right one, because I’ll let him see all of me.

This isn’t about me thinking that I’m some magnificent mystery or some great mystical muse. It’s about knowing who’s worth showing everything to because everything means the good, the bad and the ugly. It means he gets to see the sexy and the sweet and the bitter and the vulnerable. That last part is the part that I don’t do well with. I don’t like to show the vulnerable at all. Perfect example, I’ve been my boss’s ear for months now. I’ve seen him cry, scream, threaten suicide and I’ve seen his most vulnerable state but after 20 years, while he’s seen a lot of shit, he doesn’t get that from me. Which, sadly, if you think about it is the longest relationship either of us have ever had.

There’s so much that I keep from everyone, friends, family, guys I’m in relationships with. It’s been a problem for many. Some get pissed that I don’t confide in them, some have just given in to what is a flaw of mine and some are just not sure what to make of it. There is always a possibility that because others find it so easy to confide in ME, that this is over-compensation or something.

Anyway, so on my drive tonight I was thinking about my boss’s friend that I’d picked up a couple weeks ago. In the two hours that we drove around he had confessed things to me that he’d not told anyone. That happens a lot. My friends Mister did that to me too. That was problematic considering he was lying to her about things he was telling me the truth about which then made me have to be even more silent. At one point, the drummers wife has friend requested me on Facebook and I’d thought there would be another secret I’d have to keep, not from him but from her. Luckily I appeared to boring or something for her and she deleted me a couple weeks later but he didn’t even know she’d done it.

That was a weird situation in itself. The drummers wife. I knew of her, she knew of me. Either of us knew the extent of each other, I guess. I didn’t because I chose not to. I was afraid that she might ask me something as she’d had suspicions before but she never did. When I’d asked him why she deleted me he seemed surprised but it made no difference to me. He and I had once had a phone conversation where she was in the background and none of my messages to him were anything sexual. Like I’d said before I tried to switch our relationship to a business one. At the time it seemed like a good idea.

Around Thanksgiving though I’d gotten this weird feeling like their relationship was in trouble. He’d never said anything but there were signs. Then BAM, one day I get a message from a mutual friend that asked me about “consoling ‘drummer'” and our friend had said something about some posts he put out on Facebook. I’d reached out to the drummer and offered some advice, told him he could either take it, ignoring or tell me fuck off. He thanked me and that was it. I think I reached out once after that and asked if he was doing ok and got a simple answer back. But there’s a reason I’m going in to detail here. That’s the next part.

So, since day one of meeting this guy there was always something between us. I was not the first to feel it. He was. My Shaman friend had told me we’d known each other in another life and that we were meant for each other in some way, shape or form. I was resistant to this because, well, he was married. But also because he and I are SO much alike. In fact, we are 8 days apart. Which means we’re both Aquarius’s. This is both good and bad. It’s good because I know what he’ll do and it’s bad because I know what he’ll do. Plus, as much as he doesn’t mind me helping him out he’s certainly not gone out of his way to be my friend. That is an Aquarius trait. But at the end of the day, I believe in the movie “He’s just not that in to you”. By those standards, any man, if they want to be in your life will be. Now, I take the things that I am deeply attracted to in him and place them in a jar along with the other traits from other men that I have liked and some that I’ve even loved and that’s what I ask for when setting my intentions on the full moon.

It’s hard to see past the signs which are usually all counter-productive. It’s hard to see past the Shaman saying that we’d been together in another life and that’s why our souls were drawn together in this one. It’s hard to see past the other people that can feel energy between us BUT I’ve been down this road before. What I do know is that I’ve heard his secrets, I’ve kept some of his secrets and I’ve not told anyone that I’m helping him that we both know. After all, I like my secrets. I like keeping him a secret too. I liked knowing that when he found out his wife has friend requested me that he was probably more worried about what she’d say to me than me spilling our secret. He and I have never discussed things after that and I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him in person again but he makes an appearance in my dreams a lot. But, as a fellow Aquarian, it is in our birth right that we can ghost the people that we tend to care about the most more than any other sign.

What a terrible flaw we have. I have seen and done this ghosting all too well and yes, it can happen to someone that you love and care about more than anyone. I don’t know if it’s because we are so emotionally broken or detached that we feel it’s the only way to take control but it’s an annoying feature. I think that’s also why I’ve tried to switch us to a friend/business relationship instead of a fuck relationship. It’s much easier for me to ghost someone that there’s nothing to hold on to.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore and for who. I will admit that I’m finding it way too comfortable to be alone these days. Maybe I don’t want/need to be in a romantic relationship anymore. Maybe I’ve missed my chance and I’m clinging on to the men that I feel something, anything for. As I said, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. We shall see because tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities and new people.

That’s all for now, good night all xxx

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