Being there for the broken ones…

Weird night tonight. I had heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of my ex, Dan. We’d been passing each other for months now. He was going to the beach to see his girlfriend a day or two after I’d already been there and this has been happening for about a year now. Tonight I got a strange feeling that I needed to reach out though. I thankfully did.

He and I were never good together as a couple. The first time our age difference was drastic even though now it seems like nothing. Years went by after that and we’d seen each other again and that was for a short amount of time. Then randomly he’d popped up on Facebook under another name and told me about a weird dream he’d had about me. We started hanging out but only as friends until one night, he randomly asks if I want to have a baby with him. This has been after a long night of us hanging out and talking about the old times and talking about who each other was dating.

So, after that conversation we just got busy with life and significant others and would touch base every now and then but I just had this feeling tonight. I had been driving around town for work, almost to the beach and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way back home. I don’t mind driving since it usually my time to scream or sing or think but I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to chat. We agreed on a place on the other side of town and that was that.

Now, we’d not seen each other in probably over a year I think but he’s one of my friends that I can instantly find a comfortable ground with. Hugging him, laughing with him, it’s all become comforting. But tonight was different. I saw it in his face. He is NOT in a great place in life. In fact, he’s probably at the worst point he’s ever been at and all he could say is that “It might now seem like it but I think about you a lot and just being here with you makes me feel better.”

We got into reasons as to why he feels so bad right now and he almost had me crying for his pain. We sat in this restaurant for hours, until they basically kicked us out, not eating but just talking. His eyes that used to be full of love and brightness were now just filled with sadness and despair. I waited till I got in the car to drive home but it physically hurt my heart to see him in this much pain. THAT’S what gets to me more than anything is to see someone that I love and care about in pain. He’s been there for me in so many different ways through the years and aside from offering him a few words of wisdom and some laughs there’s nothing I could do.

I know I go through life as a cold hearted bitch most of the time. In fact, it’s one of the things we talked about tonight. He kept saying that as much as I like to be this independent woman who doesn’t need anything, it’s sometimes, most time, farthest from the truth. He talked about, almost begged me, to find a man who was strong enough to grab ahold of me and hold me so tight that he’d make me believe that there is love in the world and that it might just be meant for me. This was a hard conversation for me to have with anyone but I could see that this was his way of trying to forget his pain for the moment. So I let the conversation happen.

I’m sure I’ve dabbled a bit before into the realm of my childhood but it wasn’t kind. I grew up being called a piece of shit and hit by two different people. These were people that were supposed to show me what love was. I never learned that. Not completely. That still stings in every relationship I get into. Dan said to me tonight, “When’s the last time someone said they loved you or that you were beautiful or that you were deserving”. He then asked, “When was the last time someone touched you in a non sexual way that didn’t make you tense?”

When he and I first met he got to see some of those inflicted wounds so he knows more than most do. He knows that’s why I overcompensate now by doing everything that I can for others. He wanted me to promise him that the next time a guy reached out in an intimate moment and said something that I’d trying to believe it. That I’d try to accept it.

He knows there’s a reason why I’d gotten into so many relationships with cocky rich assholes because I knew they’d try to buy my affection and try to control me. He also knew that I was strong enough to not let them. Which I never did but this meant that when I met a man that was true and sincere that I’d overlook him.

Yes, I am broken, damaged and somedays I feel like the loneliest person on earth but at some point I realize that it’s in my own head. He commented on that fact that he knew only one side of my mattress had any signs of wear because I don’t let people in. He knew that I was out the door before the guy had a chance to put his pants on. He also knows that most days I believe that I am forbidden to have a happy ending with anyone.

He also knows that I AM worthy of everything that I want but that most days I don’t even know what I want. I made a promise not that long ago that the next man that came into my life I’d try to not be disconnected to. I’d try to be open and I’d try to be the best “girlfriend” that he knew I could be. He basically made me promise to just let someone fucking inside my head, my soul and my heart.

I thought I would try to honor that. Except I was right when I called bullshit on the things that were said that I was supposed to be open to. I knew the moment some of those things were said they were exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The difference is though, I needed and wanted to hear them from someone who was being real and honest.

For me vulnerability isn’t those few moments right before sex when your lying naked and open. My vulnerability comes after. It’s the moment your lying next to each other and actually feel safe and comfortable and welcomed. I just usually don’t stick around long enough afterward to feel that. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt loved, safe or comforted. Again, I guess that’s why I try to do it so much for others. The true character of a man is how hard he tries to make you actually believe you’re loved, safe and comfortable.

That’s all for tonight. I just feel broken and heartache for my friend. No one deserves to feel that bad but if I did anything to help him tonight then I’m grateful for that. I guess my request tonight is for my friend to heal. It’s also to find a man that makes me feel those things without any agenda and without any question, My request is that whatever man comes into my life he makes me believe for the first time ever that maybe I AM not the broken one but that those that hurt me where/are.

I’ll leave you with something my friend sent me tonight that reminded him of me. I can’t remember the last time a man has told me I was beautiful and I believe him completely.

Nite xXx

a7e2e7e61a02dd38b8bde272fea0bab0

Full Moons and Spinning Minds…

The bottom of this post started Wednesday morning at around 4 a.m. but I was going to delete it until I realized that it’s so raw and real. I’m cleaning up my thoughts first and then I’ll share what I wrote the other night.

My week will actually start on Saturday night. To my surprise THE friend asked if I wanted to do something and all I wanted to do is go see the drummer play. I’d suggested it and he actually said yes. So we went out, had dinner and got to the show. It took a while before the drummer and I got to say hi and when we did it was short and sweet. While it was endearing that THE friend was willing to go see my friends band again it was still obvious that he didn’t want to be there. He was falling asleep which is never good for the ego of the band so after about an hour or so I’d said “Let’s just go”.

Without even saying anything to the drummer we left, I got home and for some reason felt emotional about the evening. It just didn’t feel right. I was lying on my couch watching something that I can’t remember and I got a text from the drummer around 2 a.m. who asked “Where’d you go?”. I told him my friend was tired so we left. Then I got nothing back. I thought he’d have been upset but then realized I was girl braining the situation and just left it at that. I had also thought that we’d not see each other for months because of stuff going on in his life and because he didn’t have anything booked for a while so I was sad.

Monday comes around and I go out to dinner with some friends. We always have a great time and it got my mind off things for a while. We were all laughing and telling stories. It was great. Later that night I had come home and was just relaxing when the drummer had messaged me about doing something over the weekend. I said sure. I mean why not? I knew I was attracted to this guy but still didn’t really know him. He said he’d plan something and he’d let me know.

Tuesday comes around and it’s the full moon. I didn’t really set any intentions, say any prayers or put anything out in the universe but I was giving all kinds of information to people about how to charge their crystals on a full moon and what to do. My boss seemed to be getting into a little bit of trouble so I was maneuvering him in the right direction and then I get a call and text from the drummer asking if I wanted to just go get a drink that night. Of course, I said sure.

So, he and I seem to function on a different level because we’ve, so far, only really operated on a full moon. Except the first time we were intimate. But I showed up with no expectations. We listened to some musicians at an open mic night and just chilled. He spoke more than I’ve heard him speak before but never really finished a thought. He didn’t ask me too many questions and when he did he’d get side tracked and talk about something else. To be honest here, it really seemed like he was nervous again. I was as well but I’d like to think that I hid that.

Remember the other night when I’d posted and said that he and I say great lines to each other. Well, the lines kept coming. The things he was saying were, well, most girls would be killing others to hear these things. Like, “Let’s move in together.” “Let’s ride into the sunset.” Even when he called earlier he’d said, “This is the man of dreams calling.” I’d told him he had the wrong number.

See, I love flirtation and I love to flirt. A lot of times there’s no harm in it but I’d never say anything that would intentionally hurt someone when they found out it isn’t true. The reason I say this is because I’m not a stupid woman and when his conversations go into those few fading moments that are salted with nothing but the truth, that’s when I want to be around him. Not when he’s feeding me some bullshit to see if I’ll fall for it because the honesty is poetry to me. Honest, raw and vulnerable.

But after a short amount of time we were already speaking sexual poetry to each other. We then decide to leave and go back to where he was staying. We talked for a little while but then he moved in for a kiss. OMG his mouth all over! We were just two horny teenagers again probably keeping the neighbors up. But it was nice, blissful and so needed.

Here’s where my spiritual side kicks in though. We’re right about to REALLY be intimate and do what I’ve wanted to do this whole time and I stop it. WTF! I’ve wanted him for so long and we’re in the exact moment when I knew it was going to happen and… I stop it.

I’ve been thinking of this since then and am girl-braining why. Turns out that I really am a good person and stopped it for a few reasons. 1. He’s technically still married. I told him a while ago now that I don’t fuck married men. 2. I still don’t know him well. I mean I trust him and I think he’s a great guy BUT I don’t know really intimate details. That’s a barrier that needs to be broken. 3. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he wants to leave but is stuck in this purgatory and I don’t want to be any reason that he can’t make up his own mind.

I’m not saying that I’d be a deciding factor in his decision whether he choses to leave her or to stay but I don’t want to end up liking this guy then all of a sudden he tells me he’s going to try again with her. I’d feel totally “had” and I’m not ok with that. I want to be there as a friend to give him support where he needs it and I want to be friends but am not sure about taking it any further because of my own fears.

Speaking of fears, a few other things that rolled off his tongue. He said the “L” word as you’ll see in my initial writings below. THE ‘L’ WORD. Guys you all know that that word freaks me out. The only reason there’s not a “me shaped hole” in the door is because it was kind of said in passing and not a dreamy-eyed moment that I’ll tell then grandkids about. But, and you all know this to be true, I’m scared to death of that word. Those words: “I love you”. They’re supposed to feel like hands draped in velvet giving you a warm hug but instead they’re blades that prove just how fucked up I am.

Things continued and there was a finale but after we just laid back and talked. I found out a lot more about him and he’s intriguing. I like to listen to him speak. I won’t always agree with every single thing he says but he makes me think about things differently and challenge me. That’s much sexier than just agreeing with everything he saids because, after all, I’m not a sheep.

Now it’s been a couple full days and I’ve not heard from him and he doesn’t have a gig soon and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. I girl-brained things a bit but have to catch myself and re-wire my brain. I have to say though, mind-fuck my brain and I’ll fall for you in a second. Just come around to fuck my body and you’ll never see inside my walls and probably won’t get what you came here for. There’s too much energy and spirituality that swaps between two bodies having sex for it to just be with someone that thinks he’s said the right things to me. I can’t actually believe my own self-restraint tonight.

So now I’ll leave you with what came out of my mind just hours after our encounter and you can judge for yourself whether or not this is worth it. What I’d actually love to do with him, aside from that, is to go to the beach and sit in the sand wrapped in a blanket and share music with each other and our stories behind the music. We’ll see what happens.

giphy

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Right now my head is spinning. I have no idea if it’s the beers, the pot or if it’s you. I still don’t know if I buy into anything that you’ve said tonight but I do like to listen to you talk. How much will you blame on the alcohol? How much will you say was the weed? What I’d love to believe is you only needed those things to have the courage to say the things that you’ve wanted to say for a while and mostly sober.

So, I’m writing this right after I’ve gotten home from seeing you and don’t even know if I have any intentions of posting this but am trying to remember everything. I’m trying to remember every look, every touch, every taste and every word. Every logical bone in my body tells me that they were all just words to make sure parts of you weren’t lonely tonight. But I do believe that there is some crazy energy within both of us.

You played off like you only remember certain things about our previous discussions but then, from out of no where, recite something I would have bet money on that you wouldn’t have known. This is weird. This is fucked up. I honestly don’t know how to feel about you. I guess it all comes down to what happens next and how far away it will be.

That tongue of yours though. I can see that it could cut into a soul like a sharp knife and be smooth like velvet but also that tongue has the capability to make visible all your flaws and your vulnerabilities . I think I saw parts of your soul tonight. I can still taste you, smell you, feel you. It was blissful, even after just laying there with your hand trying to find something to cling to. Then, you said it, right before I leave, you said something.

I wonder if you knew how those three words actually cut me instead of heal me, would you have said them, even in passing? I wonder if you realized just how fucked up I am that you’d have done that? Out of all the things you said tonight, “Lets move in together. Lets ride off into the sunset together”. Instead of thinking of all of that, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you said the “L” word tonight. I wonder if you knew that that word, those words make me want to run away in the opposite direction. That’s how fucked up I am.

It’s times like this that I realize just how broken I am. I’m sitting here at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning after literally getting home from you and all I can focus on is just how, almost, painful those words you said are for me to hear. You said I was the perfect girlfriend, or I would be, but what you don’t know is this is work. I am work because I am hard broken pieces and you need easy. But damn, this is fun. Maybe you’re a bridge to my healing… Maybe you’re just a stone on the path. I haven’t made up my mind yet about you and all I can do it wait and see what your next move is. It’s your turn.

Putting Together the Best Parts of a Man…

I have spent the last few years finding Mr. Right now except for the fact that most of the time I don’t even want them right now. My type used to be the basic tall, dark and handsome. Had those and that didn’t keep my attention. Then it moved to Latin men, that hasn’t stuck and now I’m just at, “I’d like to meet a man that doesn’t bother the shit out of me, respects me, has an appreciation for something other than his own reflection.” I say that having just had some text messages sent to me from the wrong guy who seems to think that I’m the right woman.

Why do I think I’m the wrong woman? Well, as I was driving back from dinner and game night tonight I was having a conversation with myself in my head and yes, that happens a lot. I was going over all the men I’ve met and that wanted to “get to know me” on some or any level. The one thing that they all had in common was that none of them knew me at all. They each knew pieces of me. Tiny, little pieces that I’ve chosen to let them know but nothing of significance. Even with the guys that I thought I loved, they’ve never seen all of me. I guess that’s a thing right? I guess that that’s how I’ll know he’s the right one, because I’ll let him see all of me.

This isn’t about me thinking that I’m some magnificent mystery or some great mystical muse. It’s about knowing who’s worth showing everything to because everything means the good, the bad and the ugly. It means he gets to see the sexy and the sweet and the bitter and the vulnerable. That last part is the part that I don’t do well with. I don’t like to show the vulnerable at all. Perfect example, I’ve been my boss’s ear for months now. I’ve seen him cry, scream, threaten suicide and I’ve seen his most vulnerable state but after 20 years, while he’s seen a lot of shit, he doesn’t get that from me. Which, sadly, if you think about it is the longest relationship either of us have ever had.

There’s so much that I keep from everyone, friends, family, guys I’m in relationships with. It’s been a problem for many. Some get pissed that I don’t confide in them, some have just given in to what is a flaw of mine and some are just not sure what to make of it. There is always a possibility that because others find it so easy to confide in ME, that this is over-compensation or something.

Anyway, so on my drive tonight I was thinking about my boss’s friend that I’d picked up a couple weeks ago. In the two hours that we drove around he had confessed things to me that he’d not told anyone. That happens a lot. My friends Mister did that to me too. That was problematic considering he was lying to her about things he was telling me the truth about which then made me have to be even more silent. At one point, the drummers wife has friend requested me on Facebook and I’d thought there would be another secret I’d have to keep, not from him but from her. Luckily I appeared to boring or something for her and she deleted me a couple weeks later but he didn’t even know she’d done it.

That was a weird situation in itself. The drummers wife. I knew of her, she knew of me. Either of us knew the extent of each other, I guess. I didn’t because I chose not to. I was afraid that she might ask me something as she’d had suspicions before but she never did. When I’d asked him why she deleted me he seemed surprised but it made no difference to me. He and I had once had a phone conversation where she was in the background and none of my messages to him were anything sexual. Like I’d said before I tried to switch our relationship to a business one. At the time it seemed like a good idea.

Around Thanksgiving though I’d gotten this weird feeling like their relationship was in trouble. He’d never said anything but there were signs. Then BAM, one day I get a message from a mutual friend that asked me about “consoling ‘drummer'” and our friend had said something about some posts he put out on Facebook. I’d reached out to the drummer and offered some advice, told him he could either take it, ignoring or tell me fuck off. He thanked me and that was it. I think I reached out once after that and asked if he was doing ok and got a simple answer back. But there’s a reason I’m going in to detail here. That’s the next part.

So, since day one of meeting this guy there was always something between us. I was not the first to feel it. He was. My Shaman friend had told me we’d known each other in another life and that we were meant for each other in some way, shape or form. I was resistant to this because, well, he was married. But also because he and I are SO much alike. In fact, we are 8 days apart. Which means we’re both Aquarius’s. This is both good and bad. It’s good because I know what he’ll do and it’s bad because I know what he’ll do. Plus, as much as he doesn’t mind me helping him out he’s certainly not gone out of his way to be my friend. That is an Aquarius trait. But at the end of the day, I believe in the movie “He’s just not that in to you”. By those standards, any man, if they want to be in your life will be. Now, I take the things that I am deeply attracted to in him and place them in a jar along with the other traits from other men that I have liked and some that I’ve even loved and that’s what I ask for when setting my intentions on the full moon.

It’s hard to see past the signs which are usually all counter-productive. It’s hard to see past the Shaman saying that we’d been together in another life and that’s why our souls were drawn together in this one. It’s hard to see past the other people that can feel energy between us BUT I’ve been down this road before. What I do know is that I’ve heard his secrets, I’ve kept some of his secrets and I’ve not told anyone that I’m helping him that we both know. After all, I like my secrets. I like keeping him a secret too. I liked knowing that when he found out his wife has friend requested me that he was probably more worried about what she’d say to me than me spilling our secret. He and I have never discussed things after that and I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him in person again but he makes an appearance in my dreams a lot. But, as a fellow Aquarian, it is in our birth right that we can ghost the people that we tend to care about the most more than any other sign.

What a terrible flaw we have. I have seen and done this ghosting all too well and yes, it can happen to someone that you love and care about more than anyone. I don’t know if it’s because we are so emotionally broken or detached that we feel it’s the only way to take control but it’s an annoying feature. I think that’s also why I’ve tried to switch us to a friend/business relationship instead of a fuck relationship. It’s much easier for me to ghost someone that there’s nothing to hold on to.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore and for who. I will admit that I’m finding it way too comfortable to be alone these days. Maybe I don’t want/need to be in a romantic relationship anymore. Maybe I’ve missed my chance and I’m clinging on to the men that I feel something, anything for. As I said, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. We shall see because tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities and new people.

That’s all for now, good night all xxx

il_570xn.674897155_osc0

A Late Happy New Year and …

The first thing is, Happy New Year to all of you. My year ended on a strange note and actually boring. For the first time in years I stayed home and brought in the New Year solo. My friend and I that I usually spend it with doing our “traditions” did it about a week late but for all intents and purposes it worked out for the both of us.

So, if you’ve been here for a while you know that my 2018 was all about, well, married men and the affairs that they have and some woman. I can safely say that I did NOT compromise my position on sleeping with a married man at all. Even though I was not sure I’d be able to hold out but I did.

My friend, the wife of my ex, and I did not finish out the year speaking. In fact, our last outing was way too dramatic and I actually thoughts that because of her antics I’d lost even more friends but that ended up not being the case. Well, actually the one “friend” that I did end up losing because of her was her mister who ended up being a piece of shit anyway.

That was another problem that I had last year. I chose to see the good in everyone, even long after they’d shown me who they actually are. I kept saying, “They just need a good friend” and then I tried to be one. You might think that’s actually a good trait of mine except it almost put a new added segment to my own #metoo movement. There is a difference between seeing the good in someone and just plain ignoring the bad, or even hurtful things about someone. Not sure I’ll delve into that story or not but in the end she (my friend) and I only just started talking again. I don’t like what she did to her husband, my friend, my ex but I understand why she did it. There’s a bit of reason behind her insanity. I am trying to be the friend that she needs in order to get help this year. We shall see. She is a fun person to be around but in small doses. I realized very quickly that in order for her and I to spend any time together out in the real world, or even just being silly girls inside my apartment I’d have to learn to shrink in size because she’s overwhelming. We’ll see where that ends up.

This year started with an immense need to help others. I started to realize that maybe I really don’t get to have that happy ending that all girls secretly want. Maybe I don’t get to have that fairytale romance or that earth shattering whatever. I’d decided that if none of those things are destined to be in my life then I would just enjoy a life helping others. So one of those “help others” actually started toward the end of last year and is continuing now.

My boss and his girlfriend had a violent, dramatic end to their relationship which I found myself being thrown into by both of them. It started with a frantic phone call early November at 3 am by my boss’s girlfriend basically saying that she was fearing for her life. By the time I’d heard from my boss the very next, early, morning I was screaming at him. I screamed at him that I hated him for what he’d done and that I would have called the police and blah blah blah… It’s now been just over 2 months and I’ve found myself as a confidant for him and a conduit to her. I have talked him off the ledge at 2 in the morning some nights and I have consoled her till she was so emotionally exhausted that she’s passed out from pure emotions.

People always ask me why I still work for this guy. Well, first, it’s been over 20 years of a relationship. There’s loyalty and love there. But I think some of the other reasons is because of his friends that become mine, his kids which I’ve watched grow since they were born and because we are, in the end, like family. There was one point, the day after the fight, that I’m calling his own brother and crying that he needed to get off his ass and just go sit with his brother (my boss) because I thought he was going to hurt himself. In 20 years I’ve never felt the need to get his brother involved but there I was basically ordering him to go see him. This has been a surreal experience and to be honest with you, I’ve watched myself grow through all of this and I think that whatever happens with them I will always cherish this time that I’ve been spending helping both of them.

Next, as I stated above, one of the reasons why I’m so loyal to my boss is because some of his friends become mine and I cherish them. They all have their quirks but the relationship that I have with each of them is so different. A couple weeks ago one of this friends, that he’s know since he was a tiny child, called the office. He was looking for my boss, saying that he needed a ride somewhere. I knew my boss would be out doing stuff and I knew that this guy was going through his own shit-storm of things. I offered my assistance in case my boss couldn’t. After a few minutes I got a call back from this guy who asked if I could pick him up. My idea was to pick him up and drop him off. Sound simple enough right? Think again.

My first clue should have been where I was picking him up from. The hospital. I pull up to the front and there is this seemingly attractive older man essentially covered in blood with a nap sack. My first words, “Should I be concerned that you’re covered in blood?” then started the weird, almost 2 hour, car ride. He didn’t have anywhere to go, he looked and felt like shit. Here was a guy, not just hitting rock bottom but slamming into the deepest, blacked bottom of the bottom all while landing on shards of glass. No wonder he called me his angel. He kept asking, “Why are you helping me? I’m a fucking mess.” The only thing I could reply with was, “Because one, you’re (my boss’s) friend and you need help. It’s ok to ask for it.” But kindness to this guy meant that he had full open season to continually tell me how beautiful I was and kept saying that “If I wasn’t a mess right now I’d be making a move”.

In a matter of a year this guys marriage had ended, his business went into financial ruins and he hadn’t seen his 2 year old son in a long time. I submitted some of my advice, assured him that he was loved and cared about by his friends and family and that he needed to get help because he was choosing to handle his black hole of emptiness with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. He is now, thankfully, in a 30 day rehab facility.

So these are just a few of the things that have gone on over the course of a few months and I realized something. First, people are so use to humans treating other humans like shit that the moment that someone does something out of pure kindness it’s, all of a sudden, weird or they have an agenda. Do you know how many times over the last few months that I’ve heard, “Why are you being so nice to me?” and whatever reason I have isn’t good enough. It’s never about money or favors or sex but only about the basis of every single religion which is kindness. Treat others how YOU yourself would like to be treated and because I don’t feel like I’m getting a fair shake at being treated with kindness I’m probably overcompensating. But is that a bad thing to be too kind? This brings me to my next thing…

So last year there was never a shortage of men that I could have had but I only wanted one. It became more of a conquest thing than anything but I couldn’t even entertain the idea of sleeping with anyone else because he was on my mind, not all the time but more than I’d care to admit. I’d seen this weird side of him though and one that he probably didn’t mean for me to see. I saw someone who was unhappy and not confident at all. I saw a man that had been beaten down by a woman so badly that it seemed like, in his mind, there was nothing that he could do right. I saw defenses come out and for some reason people were telling me all his secrets. No matter what these secrets were I still wanted to help this man that I started seeing as a hurt boy. There it is folks, my need to “fix” something that I didn’t break.

We’d messed around a few times but there was something about his soul that was attractive, maybe it is my need to “fix” things but I switched our relationship to a business one and not a “mess around with each other” one because, at the time, he was married. He told me a couple weeks ago that he’s getting divorced but I didn’t feel any different. We’ve never fully moved into the “friendship” that I want. Truth here is that I think this guy is insanely talented but he’s forgotten what it’s like to be appreciated. So, I started there. I appreciated him. Then I realized that after I’d heard all his secrets that he might not have a 100% loyal friend, so I tried to become that 100% loyal friend. None of this seems to be working out the way I think that I wanted it to but the weird part is that I don’t even know what I want, not from him anyway.

He is probably a story for another night but at least I’ve gotten these parts out of my head and on paper. I refuse to let this guy become another “THE Friend”. The one thing that there isn’t here is love. There’s respect and something else but not love. I couldn’t even tell you if that’s what I want. I have spent months and months trying to fix other peoples lives that I’ve forgotten and become unclear what I want out of my own life. That’s the real tragedy right now. I have no idea what I want. Except, right now, to sleep.

On that note, I’ll write again but for tonight that’s all and again, Happy New Year!

301317b585f61d602b7cc87c39967728--broken-people-worth-it

Stolen Towels and Revelations…

So I had a revelation tonight as I’m staring at my hurricane hand-me-down stolen Hilton towel in the bathroom. It’s about the L-word. Obviously there’s a problem if I can’t even say the word. But this is not a new revelation.

It’s obvious that I’ve spent years pining after a love that I never really wanted. Not just with THE friend but with all men. I mean look at the guys I’ve loved or been interested in. They were all immune to reciprocation and I’ve known that the entire time. But now, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. It’s been so long that I try too damn hard to make sure that what I’m feeling is not just so the other side of the bed isn’t empty verses what actual true love is.

This whole thinking started, really, a few days ago. My psychic friend and I were sitting talking about life, love and all things that entails and she was saying that I’ve never really been open to it before and that it was more a desperate plea to not be alone. So to all the boys I’ve loved before, I guess I didn’t. Oops. Okay so that’s not entirely true BUT it’s more true than it’s not.

The point is that I’ve never loved a man more than I feared losing my independence. That’s the truth and strangely something that I’ve learned this year and even stranger it’s something that I’ve learned a lot from married men.

One of these married men and I are good friends. He and I talk for hours. I usually text him stupid things when I’m drunk and it’s late at night but it’s stuff that I’d text any friend. Nothing too racy. The other night though he was telling me about getting into a fight with his wife. He said he’d called in sick to work and just decided to go out with a friend of his instead. Apparently he got smashed drunk and they went to a strip club then across state lines to gamble. As he’s telling me this I exclaimed, (in my fake pissed off voice) how I was terribly upset that I didn’t get a drunk text from him as payback for the ones I sent him. His reply, for some reason, shocked me. He said he knew that if he’d texted me he would have spent the night at my place and he knew what would have happened.

Why did this shock me? Well, because I literally have always thought that we’d always just jokingly bantered back and forth and have NEVER realistically thought that anything would have ever happened but he was so honest about it that it made me think. This made me think to the point that I was literally searching google for “Why do I attract married men”. Guess what? I’m not the only one. There’s a whole club of us. There were a few different reasons why but the one that stuck with me was the one about a man being able to sense that we don’t want anything long term. They assume we’re just “fun” and they enjoy talking to us, spending time with us and essentially they are choosing “Us” as the ones that ensure their cocks aren’t lonely on those nights when they’re feeling less than perfect about their own lives.

In a way, I suppose, it’s some sort of a compliment or a standing ovation (if you will) for the women that we are. The problem with this is that a lot of these woman that they go after ARE looking for something bigger and better than a one night stand or to be the “side-chick” to their Mister’s lives and then it becomes true to script , as in He’s Just Not That In To You, that WE are mostly made up of women that are the rule and NOT the exception to the rule. As the rule and not the exception there are no romantic notions that they will leave their lives and proceed with anything with their mistresses.

The point here is that I knew there would be nothing going on with my friend above but somehow he took it further in just what his intentions WOULD have been. I had this brief moment of pain in my stomach that was more about losing a friend over what “might” have happened. It’s weird. Then in essentially the same day, I realized that I wanted to move the drummer from whatever weird place we’d left things over to just friend territory. So I offered my help with something. Now, he and I are in this weird space of, “well, we both want to fuck each other but that’s never going to happen so lets turn this into a weird friendship/business relationship”. And when the first “business like exchange” came through I felt weird about that because I realized that the other part of our relationship is over. A very short lived, don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, massive sexual tension filled banter, is over.

I feel like I’m forcing some sort of relationship with him now, whether it’s a friendship or a business relationship it’s not coming organically and I can feel that. It’s uneasy and I don’t like it. I don’t like things that are not easily connected or organic and in my mind it’s because he was one of those guys who I spoke about above that was just trying to make sure his cock wasn’t lonely on those nights we got “friendly”.

But helping the drummer above led me to another guy that I’ve not spoken to for a year and a half. This other guy and I used to talk a lot and again for hours. See, these are the friendships that just happen. They are never forced. But I’d reached out to this guy to ask a favor for the drummer and he’d exclaimed that he’d lost everything including his home, belongings, and had several family members die or get sick in the last year. After all of what he’s gone through he’d admitted that he was depressed as well. Since that day I’ve been checking up on him and he said that he was so appreciative and felt so much better since we’d been talking. We have plans to go out soon but because of recent events all I could think is, “What if this guy goes in for a kiss” and for some reason that scared the shit out of me. Because he’s damaged? No, because we all are. Because he’s needy? No but because he’s single… Yep, get it now?

The friend above didn’t scare me because his advances were just drunken thoughts.

The drummer doesn’t scare me because he’s unavailable.

The kid didn’t scare me because he doesn’t even know how to love himself.

None of those situations above scared me because they were non-existent, rules and not the exceptions, situations. I had other emotions about them but none were because they scared me. So, now that I know all this, I need to figure out WHY love scares the hell out of me? Is it from the things that might come with love? The hurt, pain and damage? Is it easier to just be in a shell that lets no one in so I don’t crack?

Humans seem simple until you start dissecting them. Emotions are these intricate woven lines of roads inside ones mind and soul. One leads to the head, the next to the heart and lastly to the groin… We’re complicated and basic and these feelings and emotions make us dumb and smart and loyal and hurt and broken. There’s no rationalizing emotions because they’re not rational. I feel anger when I should feel flattery and I feel sadness when I should feel excited. Maybe my woven emotional highways are closed for construction. Who knows… that’s all I have now. Nite xxx

19577-no-road-is-to-long-if-it-leads-me-to-you

Stagnation and Boredom…

Remember the phrase, “Careful what you wish for”? Well, apparently it’s true. Not that I really had any doubt BUT this is just too much. Or I can consider this the ebbs and flows of life… Not sure yet. Yes, I’ve gone out here and there but nothing enough to write about. I’ve not seen live music in almost two months and that part is driving me crazy. I’ve been supplementing my addiction by watching concerts on TV. Not at all the same but it’s become the replacement for now.

I’ve not seen my friends wife for about as long too. In fact, I basically sent her a “Dear Jane” letter via text the other day. Her relationships with men had just become more than I could deal with. It’s a weird situation because her “first Mister” I blocked out my feelings about the whole affair but when I was not on watch of her there became another and another and another and I finally told her that I could not be around that and continue to have a work relationship and friendship with her husband because it broke my heart every – single – time. I suppose I’d continue to “let shit happen” if I didn’t know her husband but I told her that whatever she was looking for in each of these men she wasn’t going to find because it’s something that’s missing in her and I’d help her find it but I wasn’t going to be a-party to the infidelity anymore.

Prior to all that she’d been blowing up my phone to “hang out” but I was just an escape for her, an excuse so she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of what she’d done. I’ve done a lot of thinking about all of this year a LOT lately. It’s been fucked up and fun and emotional and sexual and musical and poetic and disappointing and new and contemplative and confusing.

I know that I struggled in the beginning of this because I wanted to continue going to all these live music shows and she was my partner in crime but at the end of the day I knew that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m better than that. There’s being selfish and then there’s being destructively selfish. I was being the latter knowing that she wasn’t able to make the best decisions.

I became quickly aware that finally making the right decision meant I probably would never see my “drummer” again would be a huge possibility and so far that parts true. I was also aware that if we both stopped going to shows I’d get “harassed” by the singer. He tried to contact me a few times but I’ve ignored him for reasons that mostly have to do with why he’s not talking to my friend anymore. But basically, with all this going on or stopping, I guess, it’s left me a lot more time for contemplative drives to clients across town.

I have one client on the other side of town which is dangerously close to the beach. I find myself going to see him late at night and then just have this terrible urge to just keep driving. But instead I’ve just finished up business then driven back home listening to my “Instrumental Playlist”. There’s eight songs in there without words that just allow me to feel the music and still think about all the things and people around me. I’m in my head a lot lately. So this helps. Two of those songs though are the most amazing songs I’ve ever heard and ironically at the moment that the drums come into both these they make me cry.

Some girls have cry movies. Some girls like chick flicks. Me, I have cry songs. It’s not about sadness or anger or hurt… It’s just literally about the way those songs make me feel at that very moment when you hear those drums come in. So, I’m going to share these two with you and I want you to do me a favor. I want you to listen to both of them and close your eyes when you do.

The first is The Still By: Blue October and while I love Justins voice and think he’s a brilliant poet I also love this song. It’s the only time in my life that I can ever have that Demi Moore one tear beautiful cry from Ghost. Right before the drums kick in the you hear the build up I close my eyes and open them as that first drum beat hits and there goes a single tear down my face and a smile on my lips. It might actually be a beautiful thing to watch if I didn’t think I probably look stupid but I don’t care.

The second is a song I’ve posted a lot on here called Running to the Rain By: Peter Gabriel. He actually wrote it for the soundtrack to a movie called Rabbit-Proof Fence (Long Walk Home) and won a Golden Globe for it in 2002. I’d downloaded by accident while looking for another song and just fell in love with hit. Years later I’d heard it on The Walking Dead and was just so happy. It gave new life to this beautiful song.

Both of these songs give me “the feels” though. They are my “chick-flick movies”. They help me medicate and contemplate and again, I couldn’t be more grateful for music. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that’s been in love with music as much as I am and maybe that’s why I am still single. Well, that and the fact that I’m catnip for married men lately. That’s also a huge turnoff to dating. That is another story for another night.

Tonight I leave you with my two favorite songs right now. These would absolutely be in the soundtrack to my life. Enjoy them as I do. Feel them as I do. I hope you love them as I do too.

Nite xxx, from my fortress of solitude and my boring life.

music_is_what_feelings_sound_like-4953

The Anniversary post… about masochism.

So I missed the anniversary of my total life change, the flood last year. But I’m choosing to write about another anniversary first. I have been with my boss (in a work relationship) for almost two decades… Do you realize just how long that is? Most people can’t even make their own marriages last that long. He didn’t. But because of this, he and his girlfriend got into a huge fight over it.

So, the first thing to understand is that my boss is a narcissistic douche and I tell him that every chance I get BUT I love my job and my customers, plus I’m good at it. There’s also some sort of poetic justice that I’m able to cuss out my boss, tell him to fuck off on a daily basis, scream and yell and then five minutes later go back like nothing happened. He’s terrible though. He’s uncaring, selfish, pathological. So why am I still there really? Does this go back to me being a masochist? That’s the real question.

Let’s go over my history… Do you know how many men in my life and wanted a “forever” with me and I’ve turned them all down? Lots. I’ve got engagement rings in a safety deposit box to prove it. Yes, more than one. So there’s many men that wanted to love me, take care of me and be there for me but instead I say no. Instead, I opt for men that are completely unavailable. Knowing they’re unavailable I still choose to spend time with them and some I get feelings for some I don’t but deep down I know it’ll never be anything meaningful. Then, I work for some horrible asshole, knowing that there’s a lot to this job that he can’t do or doesn’t want to so we have what we jokingly, sadly, refer to as a work marriage. I’ve actually told him that when I do leave his ass, finally, he’ll owe me alimony.

 

Masochism: the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation.

If these things above are true, which they are, then my definition I am a masochist. I suppose it would be easier to just take the healthy route and find a lover to just spank the shit out of me right? I don’t even know at this point. Or, and here’s a better option, I’m just stuck in a rut. A very long, very real rut.

I like to learn, a lot. If I don’t know about something I’ll try to figure it out on my own. So, reading up on why people tend to lean toward the pain side of things there’s a lot that comes up. First, abuse, or having other shitty things happen to you as a child. Check. Next, just the inclination of pain itself that doesn’t actually have to have anything to do with anything. You just like it. Maybe it’s all the above or maybe it’s something that I’m not even thinking about yet. I don’t even know.

I wrote a post a few back about getting in touch with an old music producer/friend of mine and he was shocked that I wasn’t in the music industry. I think that made things worse in my head. Especially when he said that out of this whole group of kids he’d known back then it was only me and one other that he thought would truly “have made it”. It’s kind of a back-handed compliment but he didn’t mean it like that. Even today he said, “almost 20 years… really?”.

Aside from all that, I’ve gone out on three dates over the last couple weeks knowing that there was absolutely NO connection or chemistry. Why? Okay, so the answer to all these questions, in case you hadn’t figured it out is I’M A MASOCHIST! I usually know within about five minutes of meeting someone if there is something there or not. Of course, lately, I’ve had to ask them first if they are single and NOT married. The last guy I had chemistry with I’m not even sure I’ll ever actually see or talk to again but is married. The one before that I think I fell for the idea of loving him to save him knowing that it wasn’t even real. It’s strange the realizations that you have AFTER the fact, when the smoke has cleared and that person isn’t standing in front of you staring at you with lust in their eyes. I tend to think clearly away from those situations. Still NEVER felt that much sexual tension before and I do that all over again because I’m a masochist. I’d get all sweaty with a guy that I have absolutely NO future with. See, I need to find a way to break these patterns. It’s getting fucking ridiculous. I can find a rhyme or reason for everything that I do but these patterns need to STOP.

One of the dates that I had was commenting on how he thought I’d make a great wife. Don’t be freaked, we’ve know each other for a while. He was naming off all these really great qualities about me and I’m not going to disagree with anything he had to say. I would make an awesome wife… For the right man. BUT where is the right man? At this stage in my life I’m going to move to a small town, change my name and just get a dog, maybe have someone knock me up so that I can raise a kid who has better luck than I do. I swear, on my good days, I’m much more poetic than this but it’s been a crappy couple of weeks.

Back to my original story though, my boss’s girlfriend basically said to him, “Seriously, she’s been there for you for almost 20 years and you couldn’t even get her flowers?”. This started a huge fight and him screaming at her to mind her own business and then I just felt like shit because they’re fight was about me. I mean realistically it’s not about me but something deeper but it started because of me and I feel like shit because of that. It really sucks to be empathetic sometimes. I’d much rather go through life apathetic but we don’t get to chose.

Those are my thoughts tonight. As I said, none of which are poetic at all. I think I’m just voicing my frustration out. That is all… xxx

images