Rainy, metal ballet and other thoughts…

Well, Houston, we have a problem. Again. The last couple days have been water weighted and weird. This city was under water today, again. While my heart goes out to anyone that has lost anything in this flood I have a strange fondness for Natural Disaster movies and it kind of felt like one today.

I’ve had a discussion several times with one of my best friends and my brother about why those movies are so fascinating to me. My opinion is the coming together of everyone in those movies. I think that’s my reason. I don’t know what theirs is.

So most of my morning was texting people back letting them know that I was ok and where I lived wasn’t flooding much. After that my power flickered throughout the day so I decided to take the day off. I unintentionally fell into a YouTube hole. I got lost in metal ballet. I watched hours worth of ballet to metal music. I realized just how much I love contrast.

I’ve said before I’m leather and lace, velvet and blades but truth is I really am. I like the ying and yang in life, the beauty and the beast, the hot and the cold. I absolutely LOVE orchestral music in metal songs. I love violin in metal songs. I like my formal dress with combat heeled boots. I like my blonde hair with my gothic lip or eyes.

My mom always said I was the darkest, most uncheery cheerleader she’d ever known and that’s the truth. I’d cheer with my pompoms during the week and when the weekend came around I would be goth from head to toe and dancing at a local club here usually high on something. I don’t regret any of that. I’ve always been like that. I like soft and rough.

I certainly have my dark side which to some seems more like a Halloween version of myself but to me it’s a daily thing. I’d always said if I’d ever gotten married I’d want to be in a black dress with a tiny bit of white and a lot more red. Not because it would be a dark day but because that’s part of who I am. I like the macabre. I like the interestingly dark. I like metal and industrial with a side of soft and soothing.

Now, with all that said, I like the light. I love sunsets and silk and cups of tea and acoustic songs and dressing up in my work attire and acting like a girl that likes talking with the boys. I like flirting and makeup and high heeled boots and short skirts and winged liner and expensive perfume. I like candles and incense and bubble baths and vanilla everything.

Some days I am 100% sure of who I am and some days I’m not. I am, as most of us are, a contradiction. I know from the quality of the men in my life that I am a pretty awesome person. I know by the quality of my friends that I am a pretty awesome person. What I have trouble with is when I come across a man that I want that doesn’t feel the same as I do or vice versa. Then today, I had an ah-ha moment.

I’d fallen down the rabbit hole of youtube videos and my mind drifted off into what it was about this last dude that I just couldn’t be with. I think that I realized he was, to me, one dimensional. I can’t handle a one dimensional man. He’s the type of man that listens to one genre of music and watches the “it” shows on TV and doesn’t go out of his comfort zone.

For some reason I’m reminded of a funny story. My crazy friend and I were driving around town shopping one evening when she dropped a bomb on me. She told me this insane lie that someone had told about me. If you care to scroll I think I told this story last year but I’ll sum up. So, her Mister had a band. This is the same band that the drummer was in. Their guitarist had gotten in trouble for some shit with his wife and to get himself out of trouble he’d told his wife that my crazy friend AND I were sleeping with her Mister.

There’s so many things wrong with this story aside from the fact that it’s just disgusting to me to think about her Mister like that. BUT, the night she told me that she said she’d heard it from another friend of ours. So not only was this lie out in the world but my friends heard it… Fuck that. I was so so pissed because at the time I had been keeping so many secrets and had been a good friend to people and I was just livid.

My outlet, that night, was to listen to some hard core metal in the car. I knew my crazy friend hated that music but it was kind of her fault all this was happening so I didn’t care. After an hour or so she’d asked if she could plug in her phone to charge it and I replied, “Fine but I need to hear some hard shit cause I’m pissed”. She went through her phone and found the hardest music she had… Black Eyed Peas. Not kidding about that.

We all have different tastes and I can handle that. I don’t expect anyone else to like the exact same things as I do. However, do I think that listening to Disturbed and then to Enigma is a huge stretch… No. I don’t.

It’s not that I assign every single guy I’m dating, about to date or dated a strict set of musical guidelines but there is something to be said about someone’s musical tastes. Of course I consider other things. I ask other questions but it all boils down to a feeling and a lot of times, for me, that feelings comes from song. I really can describe all of the men that have come in and out or are still in my life through either a song, a band or a genera.

As I said, there are other things I look at. Literally, their eyes. I need to be able to look at their soul through their eyes and feel like they’re doing the same thing. Most people look away after you’ve looked in their eyes for a while. I do that to everyone though. Just to see their reaction. I like to see how long they can keep eye contact. Most of the time, if you ask them a question and they either feel uncomfortable about answering or they’re lying they’ll look away then. I do like to see if I can make someone uncomfortable though. Is that wrong?

I’m in a weird mood tonight. I’m happy and giddy but for no reason what-so-ever. I think I enjoyed my trip around the city tonight and my relaxing day off work. I’m sure tomorrow will be busy but then it’s the weekend and I get to do whatever the hell I want. Not that I don’t do that anyway.

I also wanted to answer some questions that came in. Most of these were asked more than once so that’s where I’ll start:

  1. You said THE friend and his gf broke up… What does that mean for you? Uh, nothing. I explained in several previous posts that I was never truly in love with him. We are friends. ONLY friends. Not FWB’s. I only want a platonic relationship from him.
  2. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like you really want to date anyone. Do you? Actually, yes. I have for a long time. Years ago I wanted to be in a relationship because I was lonely. That’s changed. I love my alone time and I like being single but I truly want to find someone to share my world with. Not all the time. Maybe once a week, sometimes more and sometimes less. I don’t want to be in a life sucking relationship that a lot of people I know are in. I want something that makes us both grow equally together. I want to be a blessing not a bother in someone else’s life. I want equal parts laughter, music, happy, beauty, peace, excitement, passion, friendship, growth, dark and light. I want the ying to my yang or vice versa which ever is the female version of that.
  3. You haven’t talked about the drummer in a while… ? He’s not been around for a while. I miss him but I can never get comfortable with him because I expect he’s either gone back or will go back to his wife or he’s off being single. In truth there’s not a whole lot about him that I didn’t like. However, I’ve always known that he has never truly appreciated me like he should, even just as a friend. I know that it’s a bad thing when I just don’t expect to hear from him and I’m ok with that. I think he’s treated ME poorly as a friend but I still think he’s a good person. I’ve spent several months of this year going to see him, doing what he wanted and making sure HE was happy. That was never reciprocated. But maybe his chapter in my book is over. No regrets.

… and weirdly those have been the most asked questions lately. Now it’s off to watch some crap TV for a couple hours before I slide into bed to have some great dreams. Nite xXx…

download

Following the Full Moon and Other Intentions…

I need to find a new word for strange or weird as descriptives for my life. It’s different though. Different from so many others. The fact that I often see 2, 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning baffles some people. I guess it’s the gift of childless or bored humans as myself. Who knows… To be honest, most of my week was boring. However, boring to me is strange. I don’t do boring well.

After I’d told you all the tales of the “new guy” something happened, and quickly. He’d asked if he could see me the next night. I was busy. He’d asked if he could see me the night after. I said I was busy. Neither of my excuses either of these nights were true. There was just something holding me back from saying yes. Finally on Tuesday I’d agreed to see him.

We’d sat talking for a while and I tried. I really really tried. Soon I began to realize that you can NOT force a feeling, a spark, an attraction. I’m cursed. There was this beautiful man with a kind soul and bleeding heart and I could not feel anything. I found my mind wandering while he was talking, a lot. I found myself sitting further and further away and dreading the kiss that I knew would come at the end of our “date”.

There I stood, wedged in between my car door and my car seat with the “way out and away” just seconds from me. I could have just slid in the car and closed the door and left him with this look on his face of betrayal or at least mild curiosity or I could just try it. I could just let him kiss me and see if I felt anything at all.

How did I get here? Days ago I sat in a chair, at a bar listening to him and thinking, I could like this guy. I’m open for it. We had a great conversation. He was, is and will probably always be a gentleman. He’s smart and so attractive. Now, I stand here yearning to just escape.

Somewhere between the wine bar and where I was right at that moment I had lost all expectations that he would be anything but a tale on my blog. A tale to tell you all. There was no passion. There was no spark. There was no connection that I felt and emphatically HAVE to feel to even kiss a man or let him kiss me.

How is it possible for me to feel like one of the most sexual beings on this planet and yet I choose so carefully who my sexual partners are. Most, without giving them a second chance, a second date or even a second kiss… I just don’t understand. I just don’t believe in forcing anything and I feel like without that chemistry or connection you can’t move forward. I’m not someone who thinks things will change over time. I think if it’s there and you feel it then it’s real.

So, it happened. He tried to go in for a kiss but I’m sure he could sense what I was putting out there and he went in with caution. Too much caution so I shut it down. I told him that we could be friends but that I just wasn’t feeling connected to him. Maybe it’s just me but who wants to hear the whole, “It’s not you it’s me” bull shit. He sighed, looked at his feet and said he understood. Then he said that in the three times we’ve met he’s always thought that my mind was miles away and maybe my heart too. I replied that I agreed with the mind part, just wasn’t sure about the heart part.

I don’t know where my heart is or even if it’s just decided to leave me completely at this point. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to love someone. Well, to be fair, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be IN love with someone. Again, maybe this heart of mine isn’t meant to have a companion. Maybe I’m not meant to have a happy ending. If that’s true, what am I supposed to do with that?

He reached out once since that night and asked how I was doing. I replied with a typical generic answer. Then I left the conversation knowing that it would be quite sometime before we speak again and even longer till I see him again, if ever.

I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m apathetic. I think that’s the worse thing I could be is apathetic but I am. I think I’m more upset about being numb than actually feeling the numbness. It’s a story too old in my book. The good ones, the ones who could love me I feel nothing for. Those are the ones that could give me all the things that I need in this life. Except, I want the ones that do not love me, do not want to spend time with me, do not appreciate me or do not respect me. In all my years of living and the only constant in my life is music and the knowledge that I will probably, most likely, not have a romantic partner in my corner that I feel equal parts passion, a connection and a feeling of comfort, safety and respect.

Immediately after seeing him, I do what I usually do and just ignore what just happened. On Wednesday THE friend had bought us tickets to go see The National play. I was excited to see them as I haven’t before. The show was great. We’d met a couple there that we spent time talking to which I thought was nice. The show was over pretty early and we’d gotten some dinner after and he’d asked to stay at my place that night. This was fine as I was tired and as soon as we’d got home I went into my room, shut the door and past out. I assume he did the same on my couch but have no clue.

After that I was feeling drained and distant. I attributed my emotions to the full moon. I’d been feeling a push and pull type of energy. I’d been feeling disconnected to everything and felt very silent in nature. There were days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but if I’d stayed in bed I would have just been laying wide eyes and the outline of the fan and daydreaming.

I’d been pretty low-key until tonight when I went shopping and took my GBF’s sister out to dinner. We drove around after that and chatted and chased the moon. I like my car rides for hours but for some reason tonight I wanted someone else there and she didn’t mind so she went along for the ride.

The moon guided my (our) journey this evening and I thought it better than sitting on my couch alone watching TV. By “watching” I mean having it on in the background and reading articles on my phone. My day wasn’t exceptional but it was better than nothing.

So, in summation, “new guy” is now “never even started guy”. I’ve emotionally drained this week and blaming it on the moon and I’ve been so completely unproductive this entire week. I’m feeling apathetic about the relationship that never was. I’m feeling numb to the fact that I am disconnected again and, as always, I’m horny as hell with no physical male outlet. Sunday is a new day. Lets see if I get better this week. I’m going to leave you tonight with a live video and lyrics of my favorite The National song called The Pull Of You. Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Nite xXx

The Pull of You By: The National (Because it has personal meaning right now)

Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we’re ever far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
I know, I get it
I’m either at the bottom of a well
Or spinning into somebody’s outdoor glass furniture
Is this how I lose it?
Everything at once?
Carried to space by a dolphin balloon?
Whatever magical thinking you need to hang around your neck, right?
Maybe we’ll end up the ones eating chocolate chip pancakes next to a charity swimming pool
The next time I see you will probably be in some quote, unquote, “Upscale tropical funeral”
I dreamed that’s what Nina Simone said to her lover-
Maybe we’ll talk it out inside a car
With rain falling around us
We all know this rain is hard to take
I know I can get attached and then unattached
To my own versions of others
My view of you comes back and drops away
Just that I’m still here
And there’s still everything you don’t know
Oh, how often I dream about you
You don’t know how I need you
You got me all wrong
If I said I was sorry for always being underwater, would you stay?
You can take me
There’s no difference between you and me
Tell me what you would say if I said that to you
I get you, you’re not like anyone
Do you hear me? Just be here
Don’t let me get in the way of you finding everything
What was it? The story you told me?
Why am I so hard to be around?
Here at the approach of the end of everything
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here half the time
Sometimes I don’t think I’m really around here at all
Something’s leaving me behind
It’s just a feeling in my mind
What was is it you always said?
We’re connected by a thread
If we ever get far apart
I’ll still feel the pull of you
83c3b3411e744a960ef765f651d1d5a2

Dates, selfishness and my current world…

There’s actually been a lot of stuff that’s happened over the last week but I’ll start with my today. I actually went on a date. Now, I kind of cheated since I asked that it be an afternoon date so there would be no question about the “after dinner hook-up” but it was really nice.

A few weeks ago I’d gone to my dad’s best friend’s son’s bar and while we were there having a drink his friend showed up. He’s very attractive and seemed really sweet. The day after we’d met he Facebooked me. I have never actually accepted his friend request but I did start chatting with him on messenger. He’d asked a few times if I’d like to go out but said he wasn’t sure because I didn’t seem that interested to talk to him on messenger and I replied that I hate social media and I hate texting. People always misconstrue conversations. Men always read women’s texts in their “bitchy women’s voice” and women always read men’s texts in “stupid caveman voice”. I’d told him I was interested to have a conversation in person.

We went and met at a nice wine bar that a friend of mine used to play acoustic sets at but I hadn’t been there for years. I had told him that I had plans this evening so I couldn’t be out too long and while that’s true, my plans were to come home and pamper myself on my Saturday night. We had a great conversation for over three hours. I actually really like him.

Even though I’d said we would both be completely casual he showed up in a nice shirt and jeans. Not my favorite outfit, you all know that the white button down shirt and black pants is my favorite, but he looked nice. His hair is  long, but not too long and he’s got just the perfect amount of facial hair… I do love facial hair on a man. I’ve always found jewelry on a man sexy too and he had on this really nice chain with something on it. I actually didn’t ask what it was. Maybe next time.

He’d actually made it there before me and when I got there gave me a really nice hug. He’d asked what I wanted to drink and ordered for me which I like. Then we just chatted. We actually chatted about all kinds of things. He’s actually a little younger than I am and I was older than he thought I was. Neither of us were bothered by our ages though.

There was just the right amount of eye contact and light grazes with the fingers and all that stuff. The good thing here is that I was actually totally ok with him touching me. Usually, especially if I don’t know a man well, I’m thinking, “Get your fucking hands off me”. I’m very peculiar about human touching. He, also, genuinely, made me laugh a few times. That scores points.

A few other good points:

  • I am a human bullshit meter and it actually didn’t go off on him except for once. He had actually lied about something very personal but instead of calling him out on it I let it go. Everything else he said was actually pretty honest.
  • Openly admitted how long it had been since he’d had sex and wow. I am so absolutely in like with this guy even more for being THAT honest and telling me why also. Most guy brag about all their women but he wasn’t like that.
  • He gave genuine compliments knowing that they wouldn’t lead to anything afterwards. He already knew there was going to be no intimacy.
  • He was also very into what I was saying. He’d noticed that after I’d start telling a story that I’d just stop and summarize it to get it over with and he’d asked me not to do that. I told him I was just used to the people around me monopolizing the evening with their stories and just never really cared to finish mine.
  • One thing you might not know about me is that I’m a weird bit of a germaphobe. I can’t stand to have people drink something that I’m drinking (from my glass) and if they do I’d just give it to them. I’m very particular about shit like that. He’d asked if I wanted to try his wine and I actually did. I was comfortable there too.
  • He likes music but not nearly close to how much I LOVE music but that’s ok.

So those were the points that stood out to me. It’s not like I have a mental checklist or anything, but I just remember all those things. I was honest with him about what I’m looking for in a relationship and while he appreciated it I think he wants something deeper and quicker than me. Well, that’s not fair to say, I’ve said before that I actually want to be in a relationship but it usually takes me a while to warm up to someone.

While I’d give him 7 out of 10 and our date a 6.5 I’m a tough grader and there’s a massive curve. He does fit several of the things that I’ve put in my intention setting jar for a guy that I want a relationship with. He’s already said that he’d want to see me a couple times a week which is nice. He wants to take me, next weekend, to this really fancy restaurant that I’ve been dying to go since it opened but I did explain to him I’m not looking for someone to buy me extravagant things, dinners or trips anywhere. I’m a firm believer in paying my own way and just because he’s the man it doesn’t mean he always has to pay but he’s actually a real gentleman. I’ve not come across one of those for far too long.

One thing that I see as a difference is that he is very Catholic. I’m used to that, most of my ex’s are Catholic but he’s actually a practicing one. I’ve explained before that it’s not that I’m not a believer but I’m more spiritual and I have such a different belief system than someone like him.

It was just a far different conversation than I had last weekend with my friend at the bar who told me that I was a natural born witch and I don’t mean in the bitch sense. But that brings me to the fact that my friend from last weekend, well, I was actually wrong and yes he was hitting on me. Even though he is in love with his girlfriend I think he can see the writing on the wall and was “making future arrangements” with me in case it didn’t work out. That brought out a whole new conversation that he and I had which was that I was not and never going to be a placeholder for his next relationship or anyone else’s.

I’m not a placeholder. I’m not a layover and I’m not a crash test dummy to come back to when shit doesn’t work out with someone else. I know that I’ve put myself in these situations because I’ve been so against exclusive relationships in the past but no more. I’ve past up way too many men who wanted me to be their final destination except not in a creepy bad horror movie way but a romantic way and I’m just sick of being a stand in. I’m not the mistress… I’m not the whore… I’m not anything but a priority. Period.

Yes, those passive aggressive statements are being made out loud for the first time since I got some really tacky news from a friend on Facebook about my current, no longer, FWB. While I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt what our mutual friend said was just too much for me to sweep under the rug. It’s possible that he might realize one day that what he’s done to me is shitty but if he never figures it out then he is just as bad as our mutual friend said, AND I still stuck up for him all over again and just waited until now, on here to say anything to anyone. I just fucking hate being lied to, manipulated and treated like shit by selfish people.

That brings me to my “selfish part” of this post. In the last few weeks everyone’s selfishness has just been amplified. I don’t know if this is why I’m so far the opposite or what but I just can’t take it anymore. That’s probably part of the reason that I found this guy today so nice because he’s so different than the people around me lately. I just don’t really remember the last time that I was treated as equally as kind as I’ve treated someone else.

I’m tired of going out of my way, going where they want to go, driving to them. I’m tired of not being able to get a sentence out before I’m interrupted. I’m tired of my evening being ruined by their selfishness. I’m tired of not getting my own happy because I’m too busy making sure they get their happy…. Done. Even when I say I’m going to be more selfish I can’t make it work because I interact with the most selfish people I’ve ever known. I can’t remember before this afternoon when the last time someone asked me “How are you?” and not only wanted me to answer but actually wanted the truth.

Apparently the kinder I become the more I attract the assholes that don’t deserve my kindness yet it’s happening all day, everyday. This is why I go MIA for days at a time. I need to reboot from the people around me. They always come back wondering where I’ve gone, why am I not around, they miss me. No, they don’t miss ME. They miss what I can do for them or how I treat them. Well, fuck that. It actually takes someone who’s pretty great to see what I’ve been missing. There’s my lesson in life I guess.

I don’t know when I’ll see him again, new guy, because here’s the fuck up thing about me… I’ve never healed from my childhood trauma so in the back of my mind all I can think is, “I’m not good enough for this guy”. See my fucked up logic? But I know that I’m pretty fucking awesome and I know what I deserve and I deserve to be treated well, respected and appreciated. I don’t expect to be treated like a princess even though I’m called a princess a lot but I deserve a whole lot better than what I allow myself.

The last thing that this new guy did, which is huge in my book, he wants me to hang out with him and a friend of his that’s coming to town in a couple weeks. If a guy wants you to meet his best friend, it’s kind of a big deal. I think that’s a bit too fast since we’ve known each other less than a month BUT it’s a big deal and I get that. Hell, there’s been guys that have asked me to marry them and I never introduced them to my best friend, mostly because I knew she’d think they weren’t good enough for me which is why she’s my best friend and why I miss the hell out of her.

The only guy that my best friend actually met was THE friend but that wasn’t even because of me. My brother threw me a surprise birthday party a couple years ago and he’d invited both of them to the party but that’s a whole other story.

So the last thing I’ll say tonight is that as much as I like hearing someone’s history and their backstories I also have a weird need to hear the really crazy fucked up shit they’ve done. That’s people’s truths. I mean, what weird shit do they do when no one is looking? For instance, I could stare at my pores in a magnifying mirror for hours while I pluck my eyebrows to perfection. I walk in place while I brush my teeth to get in extra steps. I have literally lied on my couch and stared at the ceiling and listened to music for hours while my phone is on airplane mode. These are quirks. For some reason I’m obsessed with knowing people’s weird quirks.

… and on that note I’m done for now. It was a good day, a strange week and slightly upsetting month already but then again, September has never been a good month for me. I hope you’re weekend is amazing. Nite xXx

Deserve-first-to-stay-in-my-lifetumblr_mwyiod9tgP1rjvyyzo1_400

My Friday Night at 4 am on Saturday…

I am completely sober, home and writing at 4 am after getting home about an hour ago. This was long enough for me to take my pants off, eat an egg for dinner and try not to peel my sunburned skin off. I’ve had a good night, a strange night. I finally got to spend some time with my friend who freaked out a couple weeks ago and it wasn’t all weird and sad.

We’d had plans to go see the drummer at a show except I got the dates mixed up. We went ahead and decided to drive almost to the beach to one of my clients and watch a show there. Most of the drive there was him talking about things going on in his world. He’d “kind of” made up with his girlfriend and is just taking things day by day which is great for him. By the time we’d gotten to the bar I thought he’d have been talked out but he wasn’t.

We sat at the bar and for some reason lots of people wanted to come up and just start talking to us. These are all people that neither of us knew but we played along anyway. At one point there was this woman and her mother-in-law who were there celebrating the woman’s husbands birthday. The younger lady (who is actually my age) started getting very close, close talking, very touchy-feely and I kept trying to back up but my friend was behind me and I wasn’t trying to back up into him either.

This lady and her mother-in-law just kept coming back and each time they were a bit more friendly and toward the end of the evening the woman my age convinced me to go dance which I hadn’t done all night because my friend isn’t a dancer.

The band was good but I hadn’t really looked at the band members till I was up there dancing and one of the singers/keyboardist was actually really really attractive. At one point during one of the songs he’d jumped off stage and came and put his arm around me and the mic up to my mouth… Apparently he thought I could sing. He actually left both his arm and the mic on me for a bit longer than he should have.

After the band stopped he tried to get my attention twice but I just went back to my friend and we left soon after that. I did a little stalking when I was on the way home and turns out that hot singer is a model and thankfully lives in another city than I do. However, he did message me and asked if I was the beautiful green eyed girl that sang with him tonight. I have no responded yet and probably won’t but damn he’s sexy and also probably in his twenties. I have no time for that.

It’s weird though. I was really looking forward to seeing the drummer tonight and the whole time I was watching this other band I felt like I was cheating on him. However, I was watching with intent. I kept thinking “Oh I like how they did that.” Or “My man does THAT better.” It was like I was taking notes instead of actually enjoying the music which is stupid because the drummer and I aren’t like that. I’m not his and he’s not mine and I feel even more disconnected to him than I have in a long time.

I feel like he’s going through something right now. I don’t know if that’s true at all but I just really get the feeling like there’s some heavy shit he’s dealing with and maybe that’s why we’ve not seen each other for a couple weeks. I want to reach out and ask if everything is ok and tell him I am here if he needs to talk except we’re not like that. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that we’re better friends than we actually are. I have fooled myself into thinking that the loyalty and the support that I have for him is returned.

It’s weird because he felt a connection between us before I did but I think I felt a friendship before he did. If that makes any sense. Now, anything bad that happens to me he’s certainly not the person I reach out to and for some reason I’m hurt that I’m not his when he’s got much closer friends and family than me. It’s completely illogical but I understand that it is and just move on. I don’t know that we’ll ever be “those people” to each other. I’m not even sure that we’ll ever be anything more than an occasional distraction for each other and if that is the truth then that’s a bit sad to me. I have always wanted a deeper friendship with him and I don’t know why that is so important to me.

He’d asked me a week ago if I wanted to meet him and a friend of his at the same bar I went to tonight and since I was going out and doing stuff in the city I had agreed but then never actually heard from him again that night. When I’d asked him about it the next day it was as if he’d just totally forgotten and he wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he’d forgotten which I was actually a bit bother by. But like most things I acknowledged my feelings and then moved on. I realized that I was disappointed that I’d not gotten to see him and that he’d, well, forgotten me. Which he did. But again, if only one of you is actually bothered by something then I guess it was never that important.

I met a gorgeous musician tonight and all I can write about is the drummer… I get that. I had a great time with my friend tonight and all I can write about is the drummer. This is just annoying to me. I really do feel this absolute loyalty to him and I don’t understand that. I’ve said before but anyone talks shit about him and I’m jumping down their throats. I’ve told more clients about him and his amazing talent and even strangers. I found myself handing out a few of his business cards that I’d gotten from him at the last show because I’m so proud of him. That’s fucking weird.

I just don’t understand myself sometimes. Tonight on the way home I guess it was my time to talk. You all are going to think I’m even more weird than before but my friend that I went and hung out with tonight can see auras. He can look at almost any person and see what’s going on in their lives, if they are a good person and how they’re feeling. It’s a gift. He’s like part Cherokee Indian or something and while I’ve always known he could do this he and I have never really talked about it before tonight.

I, all of a sudden, asked can you tell by someone aura if they are in love. How many of you eye rolled just then? I think I made myself eyeroll. He said he could. Then he went around the room of this bar and picked out a few people and explained their auras to me. I, then, just said “What does mine tell you?” He chuckled and said “Mostly that you’ve confused and not happy but there’s some weird comfort there too”. He delved a bit more into detail and without me going into detail he just said, “Love isn’t confusing. You are not in love but you are loved immensely. But the love you’re questioning is distorted.”

On the car ride home I asked him what he meant by “distorted”. He went into this crazy detail about stuff but then said, “… at the end of the day. If you and I were together and even if it was just before the ‘falling in love’ I’d want to see you every day. I’d want to talk to you every day. I’d want to know that you are ok, today and every day. If it’s not that it’s not the love you deserve. You will never feel good enough to be loved but you are more than you’ll ever know. You just have to be open to getting hurt in order to be open to receiving love”.

No, he’s not sending me messages. My friend is not in love with me. We are just really great friends and he’s completely in love with his girlfriend plus I don’t feel like that with him and never have. What I do know is that he asked me to open myself up to the possibilities of love and if things don’t go right then he promised he’d be there to pick up the pieces if I needed. If nothing else he made me feel like I could try and be ok if things didn’t work out. Top that off with what my Shaman friend sent me even after I’d asked her not to then I might actually believe that love is about to enter my life like it hasn’t before. But again, these are the moments that I have no expectations so there’s no disappointment.

Now, it’s almost 5 in the morning and I have nothing else planned this long weekend except sleep. I need sleep. So on that note, hope you all have an amazing weekend. xXx

Short Quote About Music Life Quotes Musicians Quotesgram

Short Quote About Music Life Quotes Musicians Quotesgram – Daily Quotes Of the Life

 

My Life’s Journey is Off Course…

Why is it that some of the best conversations delve around love? Is it because it’s powerful? Is it because it’s the only thing that matters? Or is it because it’s the only thing we all want? What happens if we don’t get it? Just so many questions and maybe why I’m in a mood today.

I have always had a shitty recognition of my life prior to about 13 or so. I just don’t remember much at all. Whether it be trauma or life choices or something else that blocks out most of my childhood I guess it doesn’t matter. I just don’t remember. However, I can remember the feelings for each man that I’ve loved, not been in love with, but loved. I can remember what we were doing when I thought I loved them and I can remember what we were doing when I realized that I didn’t love them any longer or that I never did. In my mind that means that I’ve never really been in love.

All this stems from yet another conversation that I had with a friend the other night. We’d gone out to dinner and the waiter and a guy at the bar had both hit on me and I’d blown both of them off. My friend asked me why I wasn’t really into either of them. The waiter was kind of nerdy cute but the guy at the bar was the type of guy that I used to date because I knew I wouldn’t ever fall for him. Attractive, nice suit and tie, business professional waiving around money. None of that interests me. It never really has and certainly not now.

What I told my friend was that, that night I wasn’t feeling very attractive or sexy. This is still my mood today. But above that these guys just look for conquests and I have no desire to be that. I’ve said numerous times here that I AM looking for love. I am looking for a lasting relationship. I’m worth way more than a one-night-stand or even a FWB’s. I know this. I also know that I really shouldn’t be messing around with the drummer any more because it’s really only going to lead to heart-break if we keep doing this.

See, I’m super cautious about love and aware of my situation. I know what could happen and how things are right now. I am under no delusion that this is more than what it is or that it will ever be more than what it is. Which is why it’s a good idea for me to probably distance myself from him. He’s not looking out for my best interests. He’s given me all the warnings. This is just what I need to do to save myself. I don’t have the love yet but as I stated the other night because we do have such a great time, great conversations and understand each other this is the moment that I run because I can already see the end of this chapter of my book and it doesn’t end well for me.

My friend seems to think that I’ve never “fallen in love” because I’m scared and without risks there is no reward. I’m sure he’s right. When I do start to feel anything I step back and go into witness protection. I understand that I can’t keep blaming things on my flaws but it is what it is. Of course, my friend has been married three times already so my assumption is that he falls in love too easily.

Couple all that above with the fact that I really am not feeling comfortable in my own skin today I am in such a mood. It’s not sad, angry or depressed. I just think I’m being seriously realistic and very aware of my own current situation. Maybe I play things too safe. Maybe I’m too logic or realistic but I also know what I need to do to protect myself. That is what it is.

I will probably go into hibernation for a little while and do another challenge in September. I know that this month has kind of slipped through the cracks as far as my challenge but there’s been something strange in the air. It’s like, the more men are attracted to me the more I feel “not good enough”. The more I go out the more I feel like I need to stay home. The more I want something the more I feel like I won’t get it. It’s like my energy flow is fucked up and I’m not sure why. I’ve put some good energy out there in the last few weeks but not really feeling it come back to me.

It appears my mind, body, soul and heart are all in different places and I am not whole. I laid in bed the other night and just watched horror movie after horror movie. I don’t get the chance to do that much since half the people I watch movies with can’t stand horror movies but for some reason they were comforting in my current state.

I’ve been in this mood before but it’s been a while. Again, I’m not really sure where this is coming from except the logical dissection of my life right now. I’m not happy. I know that and I don’t know what will get me back to that happy place I was at just a few months ago. It’s no one else’s responsibility than my own to get myself there.

I just felt the need to get something out today. I’m not even sure I’m making sense right now but maybe someone who reads my diatribes of “feelings” will email some great piece of advice or some song that will just help my mood. Until then I think I’m going MIA for a little while.

I hope you’re all doing well. xXx

its-your-road-and-yours-alone-others-may-walk-it-with-you-but-no-one-can-walk-it-for-you-quote-1

Marching to the beat of no ones drum…

I’m sitting, working today and listening to some hard core music. It’s not really because I’m mad. I’m just really feeling some metal shit today. It may have something to do with the fact that as of today it’s been 2 months since I’ve seen the drummer. I have mixed feelings about this.

I’ve never had a FWB’s go this long so it’s over, like way over which makes me mad that he’s lied to me by telling me that he’d tell me when it’s over. I’m an easy person to make happy. Don’t lie, be respectful and be appreciative if I do anything that’s helpful. That’s all. So I can only assume that after 2 months he’s moved on or over it. There really is just no other reason. I wish guys just had the balls to say “Hey I’m seeing someone” or “I’m trying to make it work with my wife again” or “hey you just don’t interest me anymore” instead of ghosting someone. That’s just immature bullshit. But unlike most women out there I’m not going to post passive aggressive shit on social media. I’m not going to send some long message. I’m just going to disappear like we never knew each other.

I’m a bit sadder than I thought I’d be because I really enjoyed spending time with him. He’s fun and has great taste in music. But I don’t beg, question and I’m not really inquisitive so I won’t reach out to find out what’s gone on. If he doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I realize that he’s not as great as I once thought he was which means this is probably a blessing and not anything more serious.

The other part that sucks, he never really wanted the “F” part of this relationship. He was fine having the “WB” part on his terms but I wanted the friends part. I trusted him. I let him in as the friend I thought he could be and none of that means anything. I have been loyal, trusting, supportive and completely had this guys back since the first day I’ve ever met him and that was before knowing him at all because I felt he was a good man. I literally couldn’t stand anyone to talk shit about him. I don’t know why I assumed that role since day one.

I’m glad that I never let him in my heart. That’s for sure. I never expected this to go anywhere and I heeded his warnings the entire time but we were supposed to be FRIENDS… I told him in the beginning of all of this that this was going to be on his terms because he had so much more going on than I do. I’ve never NOT been looking for love but I knew it wasn’t with him because he told me it wasn’t. I’ve also not been “waiting” for something different to happen over these last two months. I think I knew it was over after a month.

I’m a numbers girl. I’ve always liked numbers which is why I do accounting. I’m obsessed with dates and could name the most ridiculous dates that no one else would ever remember. That’s why I noticed today that it’s been 2 months exactly.

At first I blamed my crazy friend because the moment she finds out about anything it gets ruined. Then I blamed myself with the basic “I’m not good enough” crap that we all tell ourselves when things don’t work out. Then I got pissed and now I’m just disappointed at myself for caring.

I was pissed because I did make him a priority for a while while I should have just kept him as an option. I did cancel plans to go see him on occasion and I think I’ve always given him more of myself than he deserved. All my fault but all things I would have done for any friend. That’s where guys usually mistake things. He might have thought that I was “falling for him” when I was doing things for the friend in him. As I’ve said before that if I started “falling for him” he’d probably never have seen me because I knew he was never a good idea. That chemistry though, didn’t care about any of it.

Everything happens for a reason… I really hate that phrase when I have to use it. Ugh, I hate feeling anything. Like I said this sucks more than expected and I’ll have to figure out why since I knew this wasn’t a “forever” thing. It’s not that I can’t just move on to another FWB at this point but I don’t like to “replace” people either. I need to feel this, figure out my thoughts and then be completely single for a little while with no FWB’s. I just hate that I have to “move on” from a friend.

Anyway, this is not a poetic post by any means and I really just needed to get my thoughts out of my head so maybe this will help.

… and now on to your regularly scheduled Friday. Mine is a nice dinner with friends and maybe a movie night. Who knows. Hope you’re having an amazing Friday. xXx.

In-order-to-be-free-we-must-learn-how-to-let-go.-810x405

Better single days ahead…

Since the last time I posted my Father had been able to go home. My boss’s son was able to go home. My boss and I “kind of” worked things out. The drummer and I chatted. But since this is a blog about my dating life the only thing I need to vent about is one thing. You guessed it, the drummer.

I have always been told that my style of dating is strange and weird and not easily understood. Whether I’m dating someone, FWB or in a serious relationship I typically need to go MIA for a while. I like my alone time, sometimes. I like hanging out with my friends. I don’t HAVE to be with someone 24/7. This is why I’ve never really lived with anyone.

When I’m in a FWB’s relationship I understand that to some it seems like a dating scenario because I’m not with anyone else at the same time. But here’s where my fellow humans seem to misunderstand shit. In my FWB’s situation I don’t care what the other person is doing. They can be out on 50 dates in a week with other women, they can be on dating sights, they can flirt and do whatever. I, however, am not for a few reasons. First, because of today’s technology and Tinder and all the other dating apps everyone is just out there banging who and whatever. That’s gross to me. I don’t find it appealing and there’s too much shit that can go wrong with dating a lot of people at the same time. Second, I HAVE to have a connection with someone to be physical with them. I am picky. Extremely picky. Therefore out of the potential 10 guys interested in me, I might not actually have chemistry with any of them. It’s really hard to find one that I do.

Lastly, I spend way too little time with one man and don’t focus enough on them. Imagine if I was seeing 2 or 4 at a time. I’d never see any of them. But with all that being said, I am a very sexual person and need physical contact quite often. So, after not hearing or seeing from the drummer in a month I did what seemed logical to me. I basically said, “Hey dude, if this is over let me know so I can move on to the next one”. What I got back… PISSED ME OFF!

He basically accused me of “falling for him” or “tripping” and just suggested that I relax and have fun and don’t look at him like THAT? You want to talk about seeing red… Are you kidding me? I have NEVER gone this long without being physical but was reaching out before I just moved on with out talking to him first. Apparently, I should have just moved on and not thought twice about it.

The problem now is that the more and more I think about it and this situation the more pissed I get. It’s as if he’s emotionally bipolar. One minute he’s saying these “I love you’s” and other crap and next he’s “Chill, calm down, we’re not like that”. So the explanation here is that he’s either a total and complete asshole or…. Nope just an asshole. So, I decided to write about it, get my anger out and then move on.

One thing that women do a lot of is keep their text messages to re-read and go back to which makes them overthink all kinds of shit. The majority of my text messages are deleted because I never want to be a woman that says, “OMG, on June 27, 2018 you said this to me”. I am constantly deleting shit but his messages I kept because there was other information that I wanted to keep. But recently I did go back and read all our shit. What I noticed is that I was the one saying, “We’re just friends.” “Don’t treat me like your normal chicks cause I’m a FRIEND ONLY”.

Now, it can appear that some of my “kindness” can be misconstrued as something other than or that I had feelings because most people aren’t used to people being kind to them without an agenda. You want to go with the flow though? Here’s an idea, when an Aquarius tells you that she only looks at you like a friend… Believe her. If you don’t YOU WILL lose out on a great friendship with no expectations.

But also, DO NOT tell me to relax when I ask a simple question, “Is this over cause if so I’ll move to the next FWB’s?”. This was asked without any emotions but because of his reply not only has he lost this FWB’s even though he said it wasn’t over but he’s lost the true deep benefits f having me as a good friend which is what I’ve always WANTED to be.

I think that I tried really hard to keep this “friendship” alive for a lot of reasons. I did feel that connection with him that allowed me to be sexually open. I think he’s amazingly talented and deep down I think he’s a good person but has a lot of issues. I thought that I could be a friend that allowed him to be honest, true to himself and relax in a friendly environment. What I’m learning is that you can’t force a friendship, a sexual relationship and that some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you might want them there.

I guess that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them” is true except I saw many different version of him. So, honestly, I have no idea which him he really is. He’s a different person in person verses text. I know that I’ve always wanted to keep our FWB’s a secret, totally private, I’ve told him don’t say dumb shit like “I love you” and “Let’s ride off into the sunset together”. I’ve also explained that NOTHING I’ve ever done for him has been anything but for a friend. Then you pull that shit on me?

So, he was NEVER my only option but for a while he was my first choice because I didn’t want the stress of dealing with bullshit dating but wanted to be sexual. It seemed perfect and it also seemed like the perfect relationship for a guy who’s just out of a long term marriage. I guess I was wrong entirely about the whole situation. My bad. I don’t think he’s mature enough to ever understand or realize why he might have made any mistake here what-so-ever. But I also don’t think that he cares enough to try either which is another reason why I’m not even the least bit sad that this is over on my end. I also don’t even care enough at this point to explain why to him. I think part of this, or the problem, was that HE treated this like dating while I treated this like a friendship with benefits. Just because MY version of a relationship doesn’t fit into a mold doesn’t mean it’s not meant for some people, mostly me.

I still think he’s a good man with amazing qualities and I will be his friend but the part I liked, that I enjoyed is gone. Again, my decision this time. I will not speak ill of him, I will be kind to and about him but I’m done with mind games or any games with him. You don’t play games with friends. Period. Maybe the universe put us together for such a short amount of time to show me what I really need and want and what I will NOT tolerate anymore.

I do feel like some of this is probably THE Friends fault. Not directly but because of him and what I went through with him I find it easier to stop dealing with bullshit and drama. Maybe, ten years ago I would be more forgiving but now I’m over shit way more quickly and thankfully never got my heart involved.

Todays moral of the story is this… Appreciate, understand and move on quickly if things aren’t working out. Don’t waste your time. Life is actually short even though some days are long. People say, “There’s time” but there really isn’t. I’ve lost way to many friends, this year alone and almost lost more to be stuck with someone who can’t appreciate the FRIEND in me. LIVE kindly. Don’t fuck around with peoples emotions. Don’t be mean or cruel to future people because of your past. They didn’t create your situation. As I said before, I am grateful for the time he and I have spent together and I will not regret that.

And on that note, stay true to yourself, don’t take people for granted and always be kind. xXx

ashlinn_dec_blog