Yet again, it’s all about the connection…

I think that even before I wrote that blog, last night/this morning, I’d already decided that I was done with the band. Before the band drama I was focused on myself and making myself and my life better. That went a bit to the side since meeting them. I need that piece and peace back. I’ll admit that before them and becoming so close to my friends wife my world was a lot more quiet and a bit more lonely but I felt free. Free from emotions and free from the rest of the world. That was a nice feeling.

Things have all changed since this time last year or pre-hurricane cleansing, as I call it. I was in, what seemed like, a masochistic relationship which is gone now. I was having issues at work and even wanting to just get out of bed in the morning was tough, which is gone now. I wasn’t feeling connected to my own life, that’s still a bit there but it’s better than it was. But that’s where my whole life turns… When I’m connected.

My personal life is still just crazy and after a phone call I just got it’s even crazier. Like I said yesterday, for some reason, married men are finding me to flirt with. This is a weird time for me. This has happened before and I brushed it off but now I look better and feel better physically than I have in a long time. Apparently that type of attitude is what they’re looking for. But I’m not this person that they think I am. I am done.

This really does go back to the “connection” part of life. I, so rarely, feel that with people. I get along with everyone but it’s few that peak my interest. When I feel that type of connection whether it be emotionally or sexually it’s as if I never want to let it go. But tonight all I can think about is one of my favorite movies… If you’ve been here before then you know what I’m going to quote, “There’s girls you fuck and there’s girls you marry and never the two shall meet”. I have never felt like more of the first one than I do right now.

I am not innocent, by any means, I am NOT rationalizing my behavior either. I know that I have crossed a line with ONE of them. But the other two LIED to me and have been lying to their wives this entire time. I simply can not say this enough that I am done. Fucking done with men being selfish and not realizing who their hurting. Yes, I might have been the girl you marry for several way back when but it’s not like that now and I can’t stop being angry at myself for not saying Yes to one of those guys years ago.

There is nothing worse in my world than the realization that I am partially to blame for someone else being upset, angry or any other negative emotion. That’s NOT who I am. All I want to do is make people feel better and their lives happier. I’m so sickened right now. I’m so angry at myself. You all here know that I’ve never been more honest than I am here and to write all this down makes me sick. This is just fucked up. I need to be the person I was not that long ago now. I’m done being the person I am right now and I write that in tears.

I have already delete all the things that remind me of the last few months and can only wish that new and better memories will be made soon. I’m sorry for not being the person that I should be right now and for causing any pain to ANYONE. I can only hope that tomorrow I can start to pay forward kindness instead of what I’ve been doing.

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The Affairs of Men, and I’m not referring to Shakespeare…

I’ve, as of late, been inundated with such talk of affairs and lies and secrets. They are not mine but apparently mine to keep. This is who I am and who I’m not. While I’m not a fan of marriage or monogamy for that matter, I still respect the entity.

Right now, all the married couples I know are all unhappy, cheating or otherwise engaged (for lack of a better word) in something that has nothing to do with their spouses.

My story starts on March 14th of this year, when I unknowing entered into a strange relationship with a friends wife. Our relationship quickly turned to an almost sister bond. It was an innocent night out having drinks. This one night led to another outing where it was the two of us, another woman and some guy. That night led us to a band… That’s where things got weird.

You all know my admiration for all things music and especially musicians but I was there in an innocent capacity. I was the designated driver and as such I mostly kept the conversation going but soon into the evening you could tell that these two girls never go out. They were, as the kids say, trashed within an hour or two. The friends wife, notices the keyboard player/singer and thinks he’s cute. She goes to “like” the band on FB. Quickly after he messaged her and she enjoyed the distraction for a moment.

At the end of the night I was holding the side door open, while vaping, and allowing them to load their gear with ease. I struck up a conversation with a couple of them but not really noticing anything. I was more focused on making sure my friends wife wasn’t falling over with her 4 in heels and her 8 large martini’s.

That night seemed to quickly disappear in my memory when the friend’s wife asked if I wanted to go see the band again the next weekend. I said “Sure, what the hell”. So I straightened up my newly blonded hair and put my best Carrie Underwood eyes on and dressed in my high heeled boots assumed it would become another night where I’d watch, now called just MY friend, get sloppy and having to drive her home late.

I’d actually wanted to leave the gig early because it was supposed to rain exceptionally bad that night but during around the middle of the show the drummer just started to become extremely friendly. Now, rewinding a bit, after that first night we saw them I had “liked” them on FB as well but much later that night (or early the next morning). I’d noticed that the drummer had friend requested me but I really assumed he meant to request the “other blonde” but accepted never-the-less.

So the evening went on and the drummer was getting friendlier and friendlier. I was still extremely sober at the time. The band ended their set and the guitarist and drummer wanted to hang out with us after the show. So, what the hell, I don’t answer to anyone and why not? We hung out where they played for a while and when that place closed we went on to another place and the groping was getting more and more and I didn’t actually mind. When I finally stopped for a moment and looked at him I realized that he was hot… but not for the reasons that you might think.

At the second location that night it started to rain and got freezing. While the drummer was making sure parts of me were still warm the guitarist and I were actually talking and getting to know one another. What I thought that night was that this would be the start of a beautiful friendship between the guitarist and I and the drummer would just be something fun to look at. At the end of the night the drummer walked us to my car. It must have been 3/4 in the morning. He hugged my friend and then walked over to me. I was expecting the same goodbye but before I knew it we were kissing like two horny teenagers… and it was hot. I remember having to be the one to stop because it was so late but I didn’t want to.

By the time I’d actually gotten into my car my friend was just in shock and thinking it was the coolest thing ever that we were making out all while she was just sitting having to use the bathroom. I, however, was kind of in a daze. I’ve been around musicians my whole life and I know a musicians life. I just assumed it would be a one time thing and we’d move on but that’s not how this story goes.

The next day I actually looked at the drummers FB page only to realize that he’s married and from what the posts would make me believe, happily. So again, I assumed that that was a one time thing. And it was for a while. It was exactly a month before I’d see him again. We saw the band but it was either in duo form or with a different drummer because he had something personal going on. So we fast forward to the month later and we talked a bit outside during the breaks, just some flirting and nothing else.

Meanwhile, I’d had many conversations with the guitarist. He and I talked for hours about music and history and memories. We actually had a lot in common. Now, he is also married but I felt no attraction to him at all. In fact, it was nice to just be able to talk to the opposite sex about all kinds of shit and not have to worry that it would turn into anything. So I had a mental connection with the guitarist, a physical connection to the drummer and a secret keeper for the keyboard/singer. (That, in itself, is another story which is not mine to tell). But the conversations with the guitarist became about the band and the band members. He was dishing all the secrets. I knew most of them already just from watching their behavior. I knew that the drummer was a compulsive flirt and cheated on his wife all the time. I a bunch of other things to that just made me want to go listen to them and call it a night because they are a great band.

My friend, on the other hand, wasn’t ok with just watching them. She’s new to the whole band scene and was being sucked in my the chaotic romantic notion of it all. She was being sucked in my the singer. This would not turn out well for her two weeks ago.

The guitarist, my friend and I had decided to go have breakfast after their gig, where again the drummer and I flirted with each other but he’d been rushing back home soon after gigs. We all just assumed either he got caught or there was something else going on like he realized he needed to fix his marriage. The guitarist randomly pointed out the, now famous phrase, “Vegas and lingerie” which set my friend off. This was the line that got her to like him and got them into a physical relationship. After she heard he’d done that before she went bat-shit-crazy. She texted him that he was a “piece of shit” for lying to her that she was the first. She screamed hysterical cries which had police officers running in the opposite direction from her. It was truly heart-breaking to see her like this.

The guitarist then questioned me on whether he actually saw me kissing the drummer the same night that my friend was getting friendly with the singer and my silence answered his question. He then went on to tell me these “stories” about him as well. We had no idea that the guitarist’s wife had been waiting up for him and it was almost 6 am now and the sun was peaking it’s head from the bottom of the earth. I was finally able to get her calm enough to sleep back at my place by about 7 am and thought, “we’ll deal with this when we wake up”.

It was basically a day of going back and forth between my friend and the singer before they patched things up but since I thought they were done I was unset that I still had to feel guilty about the fact that I now knew she was cheating on my friend. By the time this last weekend came around she was ready and willing to take a drive for an hour and a half to go see them play again. This time was at the beach.

The drive was cathartic. We had arranged to meet another guy out at the beach that we’d met through the band and that made me feel like I wouldn’t be bored at least. My friend tends to get drunk and dance no matter who’s watching. Both of us have gotten phone numbers and free drinks each time we’ve gone somewhere but I decline and she does not.

The drummer and I were off to a nice start even after all the things I’d heard the weekend prior because I’d already assumed those things. But it was all harmless flirting. After the gig, my friend can’t even walk down the stairs by herself, we’d decided to go to the beach and play. She and I, the male friend and the guitarist all met up on the seawall to enjoy each others company. Soon after we’d gotten there the guitarist followed me down to the water that I was playing in. He was drunk as well. Seems to be a common occurrence lately but he started divulging all this information that I was NOT privy to before.

The guitarist had admitted that he had feelings for me (who didn’t see that coming because I didn’t). He admitted that he might not have been as truthful about the drummer as he’d stated before and that the drummer actually doesn’t let things get as far as they did with me that second night we met. Then he goes on to say some shit about being in the ocean with the moon and stars above us and wanting to kiss me. At this point I’m trying to keep my distance and I’m realizing that the noise that I keep hearing is his wife calling him which he’s been ignoring for hours. I had no idea that she’d asked him if I was with him and he’d told her no.

When I was finally done listening to his emotional outbursts I started walking to my car and trying to grab my friend as well when this woman comes barreling towards us and just sucker punches him in the head twice. Yep, you read that right. I was in shock and hating violence was just disgusted. My friend and the male friend both stood by me on each side in case she came toward me. I was just in shock. That’s all I can still say days after this happened. The guitarist had texted me later asking that I got home ok and I said yes, knowing that would be the last time I would ever speak to him. I’d thought of him as a friend and going over our conversations felt betrayed. I felt betrayed that he tried to blemish others to make himself look better to me. I felt betrayed that he’d not been honest with me OR his wife.

Later on, my friend and I were talking and had decided to look at all the videos that she and I had taken of the band and it was then that it became clear… We were watching hours worth of videos from the very first meeting of this band and we saw that the singer was watching my friend, the drummer was watching me and the guitarist was watching the drummer watching me.

I feel so fucking guilty. I feel guilty for possibly ruining a band. I feel guilty for possible, unknowingly ruining a marriage and I feel guilty because there’s a connection between the drummer and I that can be felt by others. I feel guilt and remorse and used and like a whore. Once again.

While I am not a believer in marriage and monogamy I do respect it. I would never let things get further with the drummer than some flirting. I have never and will never cheat and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on. But watching those videos of just how much the drummer was watching me made me realize that I am in need of finding something like that with someone who’s available. I need to come to terms with why married men want to be with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that is making them feel like it’s ok to “try” anything with me because, and here’s the truth, there’s more than just those guys. I don’t know what to do about things yet so I don’t feel the guilt except to stop putting myself in those situations. That’s all I can do. My romantic life is a mess which makes me feel like a mess. That’s not ok.

That’s all for tonight because I’m all typed out. I’m off to bed to try to forget what’s directly in front of me. Nite xx

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Contradictory Life…

My life is a contradiction of itself. I can’t even explain it but I know that when I write about the good things, they stop happening. Today has been a rough day for several reasons. Mostly, they’re all contradictory.

I’m laughing and sad.

I’m leather and lace.

I’m velvet and blades.

I’m baby’s breath and bondage.

I’m a virgin and a whore.

I’m a rocker and classical.

I’m a blonde and a brunette.

I’m an honest lier.

I’m a tarnished shine.

I’m a dull star.

I’m a lonely socialite.

I’m a lazy overachiever.

I’m a mystery. I’m a desire. I’m exactly what I wanted that I knew I’d never be.

And none of it is good enough.

Yes, today I want to run away all over again.

For some reason this song is my only saving grace tonight. Please listen to it in case it’s yours.

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True Confessions… Time for some telling tales.

Strange things go through your mind while about to have a knife cut into you for surgical purpose, or for any purpose I suppose. For some reason from then through today my mind has been invaded by these weird confessional thoughts or maybe just some realizations about my past or present. So, it’s now time to share those wondering thoughts with all of your because, well, you all already know I’m a bit crazy.

It’s now time to pull up a chair, pour a glass of wine, turn the lights down low and…. fuck it. These will get weird. Probably.

When I was 7 my brother and I found exlax and just like kids we assumed that it was chocolate. My mother has never purchased any since that day, nor have I and I can’t blame her for that.

When I was 9 I thought that Vaseline was hair gel and before anyone else makes that mistake let me just say that it takes days of hair washing to get that shit out.

When I was 10 my brother had a friend stay over and we got along really well. I didn’t want him to leave so I thought that if I hid his shoe he’d never leave. (Kids brains are dumb at times) When he couldn’t find it his father was so angry at him. It was years later when I found out that his father was an abusive asshole and that he probably got hit for that at 12 years old. That’s the story I’ve never forgiven myself for.

My father was an alcoholic monster and my boyfriends hated him. One night, my ex peed in his gas tank. I never found out if anything happened to my dads car or not.

I’m never not in the mood 😉 There’s been times when I’m too sick to eat that I’ll still “take care of myself”… My boyfriends have never minded.

One of my biggest fantasies is having sex in the elevator of a hotel that I’m not staying at. A nice ritzy hotel.

When my BFF lived with me I was bulimic. She decided to treat me to a really fancy dinner one night but as soon as we pulled into my driveway afterward I puked everything up. That’s the day she made me get help. I still purge occasionally. No one knows that.

I racked up a large credit card bill once and took an old engagement ring to sell it thinking it was worth a few hundred dollars. It was actually worth $10,000.00. I got $8,000.00 for it and paid a lot of bills off.

My parents never cared where I was when I was younger. I would stay at friends houses when I was 14/15ish for days, weeks and they never looked for me. When my BFF moved in when she and I were both 18 they started making us “check in” at 11 every night. I was always was too fucked up so I made her do it every single night.

My “Shaman friend” has literally been right about everything so far and if that’s the case then what comes next in my life will be pretty magical, for me and for whoever gets to spend that time with me.

I still think about running away every single day. I just don’t talk about it as much these days.

When I’m really really bored I put out an ad on craigslist for men to send me their fantasies. Within hours I’ll usually get a hundred or so and most of them are so bad or boring that I wonder why I even did it.

I stopped doing my #jarchallenge because when I’d go back and read all of the post-it’s they were all about THE friend and I need to stop with all that.

Having the job I have I’m around money all the time. Lots of money but I’ve never had the desire to steal it. Even when someone drops a penny I give it back to them because I’m afraid that karma will come back ten fold.

Sometimes I think God didn’t give me the perfect body because he knew I’d be a high class escort or because he knew unless I worked my ass off for it, I’d never appreciate it. Probably the second.

Speaking of THE friend…

This whole “minor surgery thing” was not something I really told anyone about. When THE friend found out he said it bothered him that I didn’t tell him things like that. That felt good that it did but I didn’t tell him because I just assumed he’d not care. Funny how that works. And actually I wish that he’d actually articulated why it bothered him that I didn’t tell him that.

Normally, when no one is home except me, I keep the temperature around 75 but when THE friend is here I turn it down to 72 for two reasons. First, it allows me to bundle myself and my insecurities in a soft blanket that I believe to be my invisibility cloak. Second, I secretly hope that it makes him want to cuddle at some point. The latter never happens anymore.

The friend does some of the weirdest, grossest things sometimes and I wonder if he realizes that it might take a very long time for another woman to not be turned OFF by those things. Either that or I’m just terribly used to all of it by now. Yes, folks, the magic is gone… It’s left the building. There’s no trying to impress, there’s no holding back, there’s pretty much nothing left to look forward to at this point… And this is why I am moving on. Because it’s totally unfair to be that enamored by another human who feels nothing for you. Sad face.

THE friend has left his Facebook signed in on more than one occasion on my computer. When I realize that I immediately log off and delete all signs of it for two reasons. First, I very much value someone’s privacy and two because I’m terrified to find out all the other women he spends his time with that get so much more than me who’ve given him less than half of anything that I have given to him.

I probably spend 100-200 a month extra on groceries that I would never have in my house but it’s for THE friend because sometimes I think he only comes by to eat and watch TV.

There are way more weird things and secrets up in my head floating around but that’s all I can think of enough to straighten them out for human consumption. I’ve put these out so that maybe that’ll make some room in my head for other things.

Hope you’re all having a great week. P.S. I miss eating solid food.

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Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 8 and a vulnerable talk about vulnerability. (Long post warning)

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Half check. We’ll see how far that gets me through this post.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I came home from work and was going to nap until my home was empty so instead I threw on my workout clothes and did 45 minutes today.
4. Eat healthy – Everything but dinner. Turns out though that two day old Chinese food sucks so I didn’t eat a lot.
5. Follow a strict routine – Check. Even though I haven’t made it through the night yet.

I’m going to say something that probably sounds like a bad anecdote of a bloggers life but here goes: “You know you’re a blogger when you start to write a post even before you’re sitting at your computer”. This has been going on since last night because as much as I hate to admit it, THE friend is still somewhat my muse.

I’m going to start this story over two decades ago, when THE friend and I were first “introduced” to each other. I’ve said before that I don’t really remember him and I’m sure that’s an equal thought. However, what I remembered is that he was a ladies man. Some would say charming. The truth is, I remembered a older boy, friends with my brother who seemed very sure of himself.

Now, I’m going to fast forward a bit. The first night we’d hung out and out of no where he’d decided to be intimate, afterward I did something that I’d never done. I’d never done this with any of my long term boyfriends and it shocked me that I did this at all. Please hold your shock and awe until after the movie… I laid on his chest. Sounds like it really shouldn’t have been a feat for many women right? But that’s not where I’m comfortable. I remember him saying, “Awe you like to cuddle” in some cute tone except that shocked me back to life and made me realize that that’s not who I was. I’m not THE girl that cuddles with some guy after the first night. That both terrified and perplexed me beyond words. I’d felt so vulnerable that it was almost painful.

So, the intimate parts didn’t last that long but for some reason I still yearned for that closeness of feeling free enough to WANT to do that. That’s my vulnerability. After that had happen, it was just by happenstance that my BFF had sent me a TEDTALKS link that first introduced me to Brene Brown. My BFF had said for years that I needed to watch this thing and I never did but she’d sent it again out of nothing but pure manifested fate from the universe. She spoke about vulnerability as if it wasn’t shameful nor a weakness. It was such a new idea to me even though this was an elementary lesson. From the moment I pressed play I was in tears. Every single thing she’d said made sense and rung so true, again, in a painful way.

Some things that you need to understand is that I didn’t grow up in a home full of love. I grew up with a cold, drunk monster who yelled and screamed and said the worst things to both my brother and I. I grew up with a woman that allowed all this to happen. I grew up knowing that my last vestige of hope had passed when my Grandmother had passed because she was a loving, caring soul. She would have shone me how to be a loving person. She would have taught me better than what I know, even now. But instead my first four years of life were with her in a hospital bed in the middle of my grandfathers home. My first four years of life were seeing the one woman that could have taught me how to be a better person, dying right in front of me.

That’s also where I struggled with religion for so long. She was the only one who would take me to church, before she got too sick. But then she was struck by something that was eating her from the inside out. There she laid, my beautiful Grandmother who’d never done wrong was suffering in such a way that no one’s worst enemy should have to suffer. With her died my emotions, my religion and having the ability to be such a different person.

That’s how’d I’d viewed things for such a long time. Then came the story as to why my father was the way he was which is just sick and even worse than the worst after school special. But I watched all that anger and bitterness, in my father, grow into something that made him a thriving businessman. At home he was a miserable monster because he was never taught how to love, someone that scared me into thinking the worst things a child could ever think but then Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr Hyde and fascinated me in the business world. He was larger than life and memorizing. I could listen to him teach his words of great wisdom for hours and with powerful Al Pacino-like mannerisms. This man came from nothing and made something of his world by way of career.

The best part of what he did is NEVER giving me a thing. From the age of twelve I was working and buying my own toilet paper and tooth paste. I never had a free ride for a thing. I was never given a car, allowance or a big head. Even now, I never hear compliments from his mouth but through a daisy chain of mouths which finally get back to me days, months or sometimes years later. He sees me in him and I think that both makes him proud and scares the shit out of him and there’s a little bit of envy laced in there as well. We have a fucked up family dynamic.

So, he taught me to work like hell for what you want. Don’t show weakness or be vulnerable and if you have to show someone that you care for them buy them something. That’s what I learned. Which brings me to my now. I have had police with guns drawn on me standing in front of me. I have had an FBI agent show up at my bedroom door. I have had ex-football players standing in front of me yelling and all I can do IS NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. (Those stories are humorous not horrible) Even my BFF says that I don’t show her the sides I view as weakness and it drives he crazy.

This equates to me never crying in front of others. I never say I love you. I never show anyone that I need them. I am never sated emotionally because all of those lessons taught me is that I am more emotionally challenged than anyone that I know. I have never given my true self to a lover and I have never seen what being an emotionally healthy individual is… Until THE friend.

Some days, if you make it through my posts, you might wonder why I choose to stay in something that can only be described as a cluster-fuck at times. Well, I have been more vulnerable than ever before in my life. I’ve grown emotionally and from the moment, that first night, that I rolled over and rested myself on his chest I knew that he was something that I’d never had. That or this was something that I’d never had. So, a lot of my frustration is the fact that he brings out all these emotions in me and because vulnerability equals weakness (in my old mind) I just assumed that he saw me as this little mouse that he could use and walk over and treat like crap. The truth here is that’s what emotions make me feel and not always him.

Now, I’m going to move forward a bit to his birthday last year. This would have been the third year we’d spent his birthday together and I had planned, a month before, an amazing day. We were going to go skydiving, eat at his favorite restaurant (which has become a slight tradition) and I had gone out and put a lot of thought into an actual gift. I wanted so badly to give him something that showed that I cared (because that’s how I show love to someone) but I also wanted it to be something personal. I’d done my research. I’d gone to my friends Catholic church and spoken to a Priest and found this beautiful St. Michael’s pendant (which I’d had blessed by him after I bought it). I’d decided on this because first, I was told he was an arch angel of doctors, which is what THE friend is. Second, I was explained that he defeated fear and brought about courage and some other extremely personal things that I thought he needed in his life.

By the time it came to his birthday he’d already foregone this friendship for something else. I had the option to return this but because of a dream I’d decided that I would keep it. You see, his mother made a lot of appearances in my dreams. They were usually ones where he’d done something wrong and she was saying to forgive him or be patient or something of the sort. But his sister, who’s past, had also made appearances in three of them. This dream happened to be one of them and to save some time I’ll just say that the outcome was for me to keep it for a better time.

I’d felt this better time was yesterday because he’d gotten some great opportunities to advance his life but it wasn’t until lately, over the past month or so that I’d seen this other side of him. Instead of seeing a man that was out for the quick fix of things, instead of this man that was into nothing but chasing women all over the city, I’d seen a man who was stuck as a boy who was so afraid of failure or was so afraid of success that he stayed stagnant. I saw so much fear and realized that here are two people that are so afraid of different things that it’s painful. I saw two people that were only barely honest with each other because of vulnerability. And finally, I saw the reasons why we work together.

Even now as I recall this whole realization I’m tearing up but not because it’s all sad but because we work together. We fit in a way that allows the other person to grow a bit. My strengths are his weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths (which he might not even know). It’s the first time that I’ve looked at this whole thing and realized why it’s happening. Maybe why God has given us both this answer to a prayer right now. Maybe we don’t fit together the way I thought we should or how I wanted us to but it doesn’t take away the fact that there’s good stuff here. It might be buried under fear, vulnerability and scars of the past but for right now it’s what works. I can’t say that I’ll stay here forever because I know that as long as we’re in this place I won’t be able to find room for someone that truly loves and cares for me but for now this is what we have, we’ll it’s what I have I guess.

I’d have told him some of that if he had stopped to listen to the explanation for just two minutes. I’m not sure he realizes just how hard that was for me but just how meaningful that was for me to do. I’d like to assume his fear is what caused him to be weird about the gift and less about the fact that he didn’t care about it. That is what I’ll assume because that was my good moment yesterday. I can’t be angry at how he accepted a gift. I can only be happy for knowing why it was given even if he doesn’t.

So that is my long-winded talk tonight. If you want to watch the TEDTALK here’s the link TED Talk – Brene Brown and now I’m finally done for tonight. 🙂

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 5 and today’s thoughts.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining. – We’ll see how this goes after my thoughts.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour pretty late this evening but it feels great to accomplish it.
4. Eat healthy – Check. I even, finally, met up with some friends and still had a healthy dinner out.
5. My strict routine doesn’t really take effect on the weekends even though it should.

So today was a bit of a weird day. One of my nightly rituals is that I read my horoscope for the next day but I can only do this after midnight (a bit of my OCDness). Basically, it said that someone would be extra specially nice to me today for no other reason than just because even though it would seem that they would be about to ask a favor. Even though I don’t take full advice from these horoscopes it still made me be on guard all day. With every single nice thing done I kept wondering, “Is this it?” So by the end of the day I realize just how many people do really nice shit for me all the time and never expect anything. They literally do it because they want to and that’s it. Strange how you realize things like that.

By the end of the day I’d gotten my lunch and dinner paid for. I’d received a very nice piece of jewelry from a friend and I received some cash out of no where. None of this was expected and yet appreciate ten fold. If there’s one lesson that I learned from today, expect nothing and when you do get something it’s a nice surprise.

On the boss front though, after he’d texted some drunk texts to me last night about how upset he was, I’d decided to spin some thoughts into some words that formed an email to him. Since I know both him and his girlfriend enough, I wrote the email from his point of view because she had overly expressed her opinion enough to him. I’d basically said all the things that I though he SHOULD tell her, but in a form that wasn’t as bitter or angry as he was at that very moment. I texted him to check his email assuming that he paraphrase or at the bare minimum use it for some inspiration.

When he came into work today, I’d asked him about the email that I’d sent him and he laughed. He then admitted that he just out right plagiarized my entire thought process by copying and pasting into his own email and sending it to her. I laughed because if she does know him as well as she should she’d know most of those words or explanations of emotions didn’t come from his own fingers plucking at the keyboard but rather his highly intelligent and beautiful wordsmith of an employee.

There was a small bit of me that assumed he might do that last night and either way I’m fine with it because it’s brought them to a better place. For me, this seems to be the adage about “those that can’t do teach”. Well, in this scenario, “Those who don’t date, teach”. I’m happy either way if they work things out.

Another thing that I noticed today is that once I started saying, “No” to a lot of things because my plate is too full right now I started feeling so much better. I can’t be all things to everyone and I can’t do everything for everyone that asks therefore I realized today that it’s ok to say No. The best part here is that I don’t feel guilty about it either. I thought I would but I realized after stressing myself out so much yesterday that I made myself physically sick, there had to be a breaking point. Well, it turned into more of a break-through point.

After all the kindness I received today for no reason what-so-ever, after the break-through that it’s ok to say no to people and after realizing that I can’t control the world or at least I don’t have to, I am in a good mood tonight and will be able to have a nice weekend. I will be able to have a controlled, relaxed weekend which is even nicer.

There was a thought I’d had last night though that I hadn’t thought for a while. While I was an on-looker to my boss’s emotional meltdown yesterday I’d received a text from my ex who had randomly gone to New York for his job. He knows the love New York and sent me pictures all day of things all around. The last one I got was the beautiful skyline at night with a message, “Knowing that these pictures make you happy is the second best thing that I could do right before I sleep. The first would be lying next to you in this city. Good night, sleep fast and sweet dreams beautiful xx.” I give the man an A for trying so hard and it’s nice to have someone that does and says such nice things.

I was reading these and this random thought appeared to me. I was alone at the time but I wasn’t lonely. A few hours later, while I was laying in bed is when the thought came to me that that’s when I become lonely. When I’m laying in bed alone. It reminded me of this line in the HBO show Vinyl, which is awesome by the way, but Olivia Wilde’s character say’s “I’m so lonely it’s pathetic”. For some reason that line rang true to me when she said it so much it almost hurt but then I realized that I truly felt that way right before I sleep.

That’s a sad thought to me but I realize that I don’t have to feel that way. I could, realistically, jump on a plane and be in New York and not be alone or lonely lying next to someone who truly loves me and cares for me much more than I’ll ever reciprocate. But that’s the problem though. While he makes me feel loved and cared for, he doesn’t make me feel safe or comfortable. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone else that does. I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter but obviously it does. Somewhere along the way of this blog being about my dating life, it’s turned into something about a story about a boy and a girl that will never have a happy ending and she can’t seem to find someone to replace him with and he doesn’t care because everyone else and everything else is so much more important to him than she is. That’s a pretty sad reality.

Regardless of those final thoughts this was still a good day. I’m going to go watch some crappy TV and fall asleep on the couch because for some reason it feels a bit less lonely. Hope you all have a great weekend.
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