The Final Finale of the Ex… and other things.

“Close your eyes. Imagine you wake up inside a box. The box is thick and leaves no room for movement. You’re stuck. The box is either too hot or too cold. It’s hard and unforgiving. It’s constricting. It’s claustrophobic. During the daylight you’re confined to see the world through cracks and at night you dream. You dream about being a child and running and jumping and playing only to wake up and remember that you’re living a nightmare and you feel like this will be your coffin. Now open you’re eyes and realize that your body is that boxed coffin.”

About a year ago, I started to write that above with the thought that my BFF would no longer be able to work due to her illness (multiple sclerosis). That she’d need a way to pay bills and thought about doing some sort of “Go Fund Me” page or something. She would have never let me, realistically because she’s too proud to ask for help. This is a commonality that we both share. However, this is either proud or stupid.

The way my brain works is that it shuts out everyone and pushes them all away when I feel like I might just need them the most. I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism or if it’s to prove that they actually truly care. Sometimes I think that if they can break down my walls then they’re meant to be here and if they don’t or can’t then maybe they’re not. This past weekend was a fine example of all of that. There was bad news, after bad news, after bad situations that kept occurring and by the time Monday rolled around I’d decided that I was no longer going to answer my phone, check my mail or remove myself from my bed. Well, I made the mistake of moving and actually went to work. After the weekend of some bad news, a lot of pain physically and a small argument I decided that maybe work would be best to change my opinion of things.

That actually didn’t work and put me in bed the next day. All day. Avoiding everything that came my way. I did, however, come to the conclusion that the man that saves me from myself one day will probably be the one I’m meant to be with and the ex wasn’t cutting it at all.

It’s funny. My BFF and I have this movie that we watch all the time because it reminds us of each other. The Sweetest Thing. I am Christina Applegate and she is Cameron Diaz. In the movie Christina’s character says, “Don’t name the puppy” speaking of men. You’re not supposed to name them, that’s when things get serious. I find that I do the opposite though. I named the ex and now he’s is so far behind in the rear view mirror it was almost funny how fast it went.

He probably dodged a bullet, in my opinion. The truth is, he annoyed me. I knew it was happening the moment I wrote the last post. You can’t force fate, love or anything really. I suppose this might just mean that I won’t get any sort of ending at all, whether it be happy or not. His downfall was of no fault of his own. He was just being him and to me that’s not what I wanted in a forever. I could probably pick out three friends that I could see him with before me and that should have been a sign.

I haven’t seen him since his birthday and I won’t again. I think I get some sort of clarity when I’m just about to drift off to sleep. That’s when I tend to see things clearly and then again, reiterated in my dreams. There’s a sort of comfort that comes from having guest appearances in my dreams by people I’ve never met but somehow know.

Right now I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of wondering “What’s next”. I’m tired of being proved right about things that I wish I wasn’t right about. Do you know how hard it is to find a selfless man out there? Do you know how hard it is to find someone that can see past their own needs, wants and desires for just a few moments to understand that maybe, it’s time to actually pay back some kindness and not monetarily?

If I could teach my niece a few things about love I’d tell her this…

Don’t fall for the man who uses people like you use things.
Don’t fall for a man who doesn’t know your worth.
Don’t fall for a man who promises things and doesn’t deliver.
Don’t fall for a man that lies to you because you’ll never trust him again.
Don’t fall for a man who only wants sympathy and compassion but never gives it in return.

One of my most favorite quotes is from Bob Marley and to me, it goes both ways. Love isn’t easy and it takes work but the reason why you work so hard should be for the person not the benefits. I’m not suggesting that there’s a huge great love out there for everyone but there has to be better that what I’ve seen. I honestly don’t think that I ask too much at all and I won’t do with anything less.

I know my thoughts are jumbled and might not make sense but hopefully they will soon. Hopefully everything will make sense soon.

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June Challenge Day 9

1. Exercise – Yes, barely got it in but yes.

2. Water – Yep

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down a quote that motivates or inspires you: Well, if you come here a lot you already know that I like my quote graphics to sum up the day but out of all the one that I like the most is “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”. I don’t always follow that but I try to.

Some days it seems like all I do is try to make the best out of bad situation. I think I deserve to have a great situation. Of course, that’s just my opinion. It’s bad enough to want what you can’t have but lately I think that thought is getting to me more than it has before.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What place are you most grateful for? Some days I’m most grateful for my bed. Other days I have no clue where I’m thankful for.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Write about something you wish you were good at: Oh there’s so many things I wish I was good or better at…

I wish I was a better singer
I wish I could communicate better
I wish I knew how to roller skate
I wish I was a faster runner
I wish I was emotionally mature
I wish I was in love with someone that was also in love with me
I wish I was healthier
I wish I was a better writer
I wish I had more patience
I wish I felt appreciated more
I wish I… This could go on forever.

So this post is a bit down today. Mostly because of work but some not so much. My weekend is full and yet all I need to to chill and not do anything which doesn’t seem possible right now. The promise of better days at work has not come to fruition yet so I’m still waiting for that pass. But I’m still trying to learn how to “dance in the rain” while I’m waiting.

Life is partly made up of a lot of waiting. You’re waiting for a bottle, a ride, the weekend, to be 21, to be young again, for a husband or a lover. You wait for dinner, or a movie or in traffic. Now matter how you look at things you’re always waiting.

I wish the wait for things was over though… What do you wait for?

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 13 (Saturday) And a Thank You for seven years as a blogger.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My one good thing is that most of the day I spent pantless.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – No rest day.
4. Eat healthy – Not really but I kind of miss not eating healthy now when I don’t.
5. Follow a routine – no. It’s still the weekend.

Today has been a weird day. One that was supposed to be spend relaxing and waxing and coloring and such but it became a bit more than that. It became a day of conversations and remembering. I guess it needed to happen a bit.

This all started on Friday. We were chatting at work about different things and of course relationships made the course schedule. My ex was talking about how there was a lot of being my boyfriend that he really liked. Again, this type of thing is weird to hear years and years later but in his list were things like; I wasn’t needy. I didn’t blow his phone up. I didn’t try to change him. I let him pick what he wanted to do (most of the time). He knew when I was being nice or kind that it was genuine. I’d let him pick which ever side of the bed he wanted. I never complained when he left the seat up. I didn’t “bitch and moan” and if I did have a complaint it was probably valid.

These are all great things to hear. I was an awesome girlfriend. We had a great three years together and are better friends now than we ever were anything else. But with all the good things did come some complaints about me as well because you can’t have any of the good without the bad too. These came in the same sort of list; I was never jealous. (I actually probably was a bit I just realized that those were my own insecurities and tried to not bleed them out on him.) I didn’t communicate as much as he wanted. (Seriously a guy WANTS to you talk more. That’s a change.) I seemed to check out a lot. (I still do.) I never wanted him to meet my family, although he did through some weird universal incidents. I never said the “L” word to him. That’s true.

I’m not sure this list did anything but reminded me of what to do that’s different the next time around. I mean, aren’t relationships usually the better opportunities than the ones before? Or shouldn’t they be? I did love him but those words haven’t passed my lips but to one man and they were sort of screamed at the time. Yep, THE friend is the only one that I’ve said, well, I said “I’m IN love with you”. I’ve never verbally said “I love you”. At this place that we’re in right now I’m not sure it matters much to him if I do or not.

But some of that conversation spilled into my day today. I haven’t talked with my BFF in length in a while and my GBF is getting upset with me. Works driving me insane but it’s probably just being used as a distraction anyway. Life doesn’t suck right now but it’s mundane. I said this the other day, there’s no passion in it. I want something different, something fun, something that’s not been there for a long time. I just don’t know what that is.

Instead of worrying what the next thing is, I’m going to say up a bit later (it’s already 2 am), watch so weird show I just found and sleep. Hopefully, I won’t fall asleep on the couch like I did last night. I’ll wake up, exercise, have brunch with some friends. Come home and clean a bit and wait to see if THE friend will come over. I feel like he might have found something else to do instead which is fine. If he does show up then we’ll have a fun time but I’m not expecting anything. Sometimes the best things happen when you don’t expect a thing.

On a different note though, today is my 7 year anniversary on wordpress. I’ve been writing this blog for 7 years now except I’ve gotten frustrated a few times and deleted a lot of posts. I’m wondering if I regret that now. It would be weird to see some of those posts. Keep in mind that THE friend wasn’t there for the first 4 years that I had it. It’s been fun though and I’ve met some great people on here so I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s read this weirdness that is my life. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 8 and a vulnerable talk about vulnerability. (Long post warning)

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Half check. We’ll see how far that gets me through this post.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I came home from work and was going to nap until my home was empty so instead I threw on my workout clothes and did 45 minutes today.
4. Eat healthy – Everything but dinner. Turns out though that two day old Chinese food sucks so I didn’t eat a lot.
5. Follow a strict routine – Check. Even though I haven’t made it through the night yet.

I’m going to say something that probably sounds like a bad anecdote of a bloggers life but here goes: “You know you’re a blogger when you start to write a post even before you’re sitting at your computer”. This has been going on since last night because as much as I hate to admit it, THE friend is still somewhat my muse.

I’m going to start this story over two decades ago, when THE friend and I were first “introduced” to each other. I’ve said before that I don’t really remember him and I’m sure that’s an equal thought. However, what I remembered is that he was a ladies man. Some would say charming. The truth is, I remembered a older boy, friends with my brother who seemed very sure of himself.

Now, I’m going to fast forward a bit. The first night we’d hung out and out of no where he’d decided to be intimate, afterward I did something that I’d never done. I’d never done this with any of my long term boyfriends and it shocked me that I did this at all. Please hold your shock and awe until after the movie… I laid on his chest. Sounds like it really shouldn’t have been a feat for many women right? But that’s not where I’m comfortable. I remember him saying, “Awe you like to cuddle” in some cute tone except that shocked me back to life and made me realize that that’s not who I was. I’m not THE girl that cuddles with some guy after the first night. That both terrified and perplexed me beyond words. I’d felt so vulnerable that it was almost painful.

So, the intimate parts didn’t last that long but for some reason I still yearned for that closeness of feeling free enough to WANT to do that. That’s my vulnerability. After that had happen, it was just by happenstance that my BFF had sent me a TEDTALKS link that first introduced me to Brene Brown. My BFF had said for years that I needed to watch this thing and I never did but she’d sent it again out of nothing but pure manifested fate from the universe. She spoke about vulnerability as if it wasn’t shameful nor a weakness. It was such a new idea to me even though this was an elementary lesson. From the moment I pressed play I was in tears. Every single thing she’d said made sense and rung so true, again, in a painful way.

Some things that you need to understand is that I didn’t grow up in a home full of love. I grew up with a cold, drunk monster who yelled and screamed and said the worst things to both my brother and I. I grew up with a woman that allowed all this to happen. I grew up knowing that my last vestige of hope had passed when my Grandmother had passed because she was a loving, caring soul. She would have shone me how to be a loving person. She would have taught me better than what I know, even now. But instead my first four years of life were with her in a hospital bed in the middle of my grandfathers home. My first four years of life were seeing the one woman that could have taught me how to be a better person, dying right in front of me.

That’s also where I struggled with religion for so long. She was the only one who would take me to church, before she got too sick. But then she was struck by something that was eating her from the inside out. There she laid, my beautiful Grandmother who’d never done wrong was suffering in such a way that no one’s worst enemy should have to suffer. With her died my emotions, my religion and having the ability to be such a different person.

That’s how’d I’d viewed things for such a long time. Then came the story as to why my father was the way he was which is just sick and even worse than the worst after school special. But I watched all that anger and bitterness, in my father, grow into something that made him a thriving businessman. At home he was a miserable monster because he was never taught how to love, someone that scared me into thinking the worst things a child could ever think but then Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr Hyde and fascinated me in the business world. He was larger than life and memorizing. I could listen to him teach his words of great wisdom for hours and with powerful Al Pacino-like mannerisms. This man came from nothing and made something of his world by way of career.

The best part of what he did is NEVER giving me a thing. From the age of twelve I was working and buying my own toilet paper and tooth paste. I never had a free ride for a thing. I was never given a car, allowance or a big head. Even now, I never hear compliments from his mouth but through a daisy chain of mouths which finally get back to me days, months or sometimes years later. He sees me in him and I think that both makes him proud and scares the shit out of him and there’s a little bit of envy laced in there as well. We have a fucked up family dynamic.

So, he taught me to work like hell for what you want. Don’t show weakness or be vulnerable and if you have to show someone that you care for them buy them something. That’s what I learned. Which brings me to my now. I have had police with guns drawn on me standing in front of me. I have had an FBI agent show up at my bedroom door. I have had ex-football players standing in front of me yelling and all I can do IS NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. (Those stories are humorous not horrible) Even my BFF says that I don’t show her the sides I view as weakness and it drives he crazy.

This equates to me never crying in front of others. I never say I love you. I never show anyone that I need them. I am never sated emotionally because all of those lessons taught me is that I am more emotionally challenged than anyone that I know. I have never given my true self to a lover and I have never seen what being an emotionally healthy individual is… Until THE friend.

Some days, if you make it through my posts, you might wonder why I choose to stay in something that can only be described as a cluster-fuck at times. Well, I have been more vulnerable than ever before in my life. I’ve grown emotionally and from the moment, that first night, that I rolled over and rested myself on his chest I knew that he was something that I’d never had. That or this was something that I’d never had. So, a lot of my frustration is the fact that he brings out all these emotions in me and because vulnerability equals weakness (in my old mind) I just assumed that he saw me as this little mouse that he could use and walk over and treat like crap. The truth here is that’s what emotions make me feel and not always him.

Now, I’m going to move forward a bit to his birthday last year. This would have been the third year we’d spent his birthday together and I had planned, a month before, an amazing day. We were going to go skydiving, eat at his favorite restaurant (which has become a slight tradition) and I had gone out and put a lot of thought into an actual gift. I wanted so badly to give him something that showed that I cared (because that’s how I show love to someone) but I also wanted it to be something personal. I’d done my research. I’d gone to my friends Catholic church and spoken to a Priest and found this beautiful St. Michael’s pendant (which I’d had blessed by him after I bought it). I’d decided on this because first, I was told he was an arch angel of doctors, which is what THE friend is. Second, I was explained that he defeated fear and brought about courage and some other extremely personal things that I thought he needed in his life.

By the time it came to his birthday he’d already foregone this friendship for something else. I had the option to return this but because of a dream I’d decided that I would keep it. You see, his mother made a lot of appearances in my dreams. They were usually ones where he’d done something wrong and she was saying to forgive him or be patient or something of the sort. But his sister, who’s past, had also made appearances in three of them. This dream happened to be one of them and to save some time I’ll just say that the outcome was for me to keep it for a better time.

I’d felt this better time was yesterday because he’d gotten some great opportunities to advance his life but it wasn’t until lately, over the past month or so that I’d seen this other side of him. Instead of seeing a man that was out for the quick fix of things, instead of this man that was into nothing but chasing women all over the city, I’d seen a man who was stuck as a boy who was so afraid of failure or was so afraid of success that he stayed stagnant. I saw so much fear and realized that here are two people that are so afraid of different things that it’s painful. I saw two people that were only barely honest with each other because of vulnerability. And finally, I saw the reasons why we work together.

Even now as I recall this whole realization I’m tearing up but not because it’s all sad but because we work together. We fit in a way that allows the other person to grow a bit. My strengths are his weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths (which he might not even know). It’s the first time that I’ve looked at this whole thing and realized why it’s happening. Maybe why God has given us both this answer to a prayer right now. Maybe we don’t fit together the way I thought we should or how I wanted us to but it doesn’t take away the fact that there’s good stuff here. It might be buried under fear, vulnerability and scars of the past but for right now it’s what works. I can’t say that I’ll stay here forever because I know that as long as we’re in this place I won’t be able to find room for someone that truly loves and cares for me but for now this is what we have, we’ll it’s what I have I guess.

I’d have told him some of that if he had stopped to listen to the explanation for just two minutes. I’m not sure he realizes just how hard that was for me but just how meaningful that was for me to do. I’d like to assume his fear is what caused him to be weird about the gift and less about the fact that he didn’t care about it. That is what I’ll assume because that was my good moment yesterday. I can’t be angry at how he accepted a gift. I can only be happy for knowing why it was given even if he doesn’t.

So that is my long-winded talk tonight. If you want to watch the TEDTALK here’s the link TED Talk – Brene Brown and now I’m finally done for tonight. 🙂

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 7

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome (Sunday):

  1. No complaining – Not checked. Pretty sure I complained about stuff today but I’ll discuss this more later after today’s posts.
  2. No spending money – Check. I didn’t not spend anything that I wasn’t supposed to.
  3. Exercise – Nope. Another of my rest days. Thankfully.
  4. Eat healthy – Nope. Which is ok because I get to splurge a bit on my weekends especially since my weekdays are doing so well.
  5. Follow a strict routine – Half check. I didn’t make my breakfast which I should have but Sundays are a bit tricky. We’ll have to see how I can make them better.

I will have more to say later today but wanted to play catch up. I’ll leave you with my thoughts today, about yesterday, in quotes.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 4 and today’s events.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining – I’m not going to give this to myself because my thoughts of today will probably be tied with a few complaints. We’ll see
2. No spending – Check. I do have to get my mom something for mother’s day and her birthday but that’s not really unnecessary.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 42 minutes which is more than yesterday but I think I’m still pushing myself more than I should.
4. Eat healthy – Check. Even, again, with lunch bought for me I chose wisely.
5. Follow a strict routine – half check. I’m taking a point away because I didn’t finish my routine last night which left me without breakfast this morning. Luckily I keep healthy snacks there.

My day started off busy. I mean, the company is going through some drastic changes and there’s so much that I have to do so I am power ready for all those things. I wasn’t ready for the rest of what today threw at me though. My boss came in this morning and was just upset and angry and he’d been bombarded by angry text messages from his girlfriend. You remember? The one I befriended so that I could help both of them out? So he hands me his phone and wants me to read every single text message that was sent back and forth. If you thought that the new Superman movie was long, you’d have almost wished for it after reading every single one of those texts.

By the end of it all though, and I hate to say this, he did nothing wrong. She kind of went batshit crazy on him. So, this lead to three phone calls through out the day from him asking my opinion, several emails, and even more text messages. At one point all I could think was, “You do know that each time I have to respond to you I’m not really focused on my own job right?” But instead I just placated him because he was in serious need of someone to do that for him. Even now, being at home, he’s still asking for my opinion. I appreciate the friendship that he and I have but he is going to drive himself crazy… Pot calling the kettle black there huh?

During all of this I received a request from one of my employees asking for his pay-stubs. I told him that I was just being noisy and he absolutely didn’t have to tell me what they were for but I did ask why. He’d said he was about to get a loan because he and his wife were in some financial difficulties. Pretty typical thing these days except he’s about to be let go. For the sake of business and what I’m “allowed” to say, I hold absolutely no responsibility to advise him of this what-so-ever. But since I’m not entirely a heartless bitch I gave him my opinion without telling him why and asked that the owner talk to him tomorrow before he goes through with it. Legally, I’m not supposed to have said anything but our company really has been a different set of “family” for years now and I am a compassionate person. This was hard for me.

So, in between work being crazy, the boss going through emotional turmoil and the employee about to make a mistake I received a text message from THE friend with some great news. He got this job that could turn out to be something really special. My first reaction was to tell him that I am proud of him but I’m not sure how he’d take that. I am seriously happy for him though. Of course, my mind slowly wandered to a negative space about this. I started thinking things like, “Well, we’re about to see each other a whole lot less now”, “I wonder how far down the list of people he told that I was”  and “I guess he won’t need me for things now”. It even went to, “Well, now there will be a whole new dating pool that just opened up for him and I’m sure I’ll be replaceable”.

Soon after all those thoughts rushed in my head though, I stopped. I literally said in my head, “Stop thinking about everything but what’s happening right now. Right now you are so happy for him and that’s it. All the rest will turn out like it’s supposed to.” And you know what? I stopped. I realize that I don’t have the gift of fortune telling, I don’t know what’s going to happen and it doesn’t matter right now in this very moment. In this very moment I am proud of him and it was a highlight to my day.

The lowest point, however, was when I realized that I couldn’t drive to see my family this weekend and that I would have to text my brother and let him know. Why is that stressful? Well, seeing my family is stressful first-off. They have no plans. They make no plans what-so-ever and half the time, even when I say I’ll be arriving at a certain time, they’re not there. But also it would have been a 24 hour trip which most of that time would be spent in a car driving there or sleeping. Anyway, I just realized that with all this stuff I’ve had to do lately and how stressed everything is right now I can’t do that to myself as well.

There’s also another part of this too. My parents come to my town once a month for doctors visits for my dad. I have not seen them since December. They don’t let me know they’re in town. We don’t communicate and I’m not sure that I feel the need to stress myself out when the return has not been done for me. I suppose that’s a bit spiteful and I realize that I should be more mature than that but with all that piled on of everything else, I just made the best decision for me. I’ve said this more than once, my friends are my family and there’s a saying out there that goes, “Friends are God’s apology for family”. I’ve been able to make a great family through the years and I’m happy with that.

So, there’s a ton of work to be done after I finish this post up and once I put on my spectacles I will check out of all other issues in my life or that’s around me and just focus on the task at hand. I can’t wait for some breathing room this weekend. What I’d like to do is just sit in a pool for hours until I get prune like and not think about a thing for a day or two. That really sounds like a plan so far.

Now, off to work.

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