Worlds colliding and other oddities…

It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.

And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.

I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.

She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.

Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.

Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.

We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.

So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.

I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.

It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.

There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.

So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.

I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…

Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”

I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?

The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.

That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.

It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.

Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.

I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.

This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”

There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”

After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.

I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.

One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.

I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.

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Secrets and lies… Which is worse?

This weekend didn’t go as expected at all. In fact it took a turn for the worst yesterday evening. The weekend was going well. I was having fun and but in one single moment Saturday night, things went spiraling down after a one worded answer.

I know that sounds vague but it’s someone else’s truth and not mine to tell but it was something that brought back a world of secrets from last year. I hadn’t actually planned on telling anyone what happened last year that brought me to my lowest point ever but in a moment of pure emotion it just came out.

It should have been a happy moment but in truth it just reminded me of the things that I don’t have in my life. It brought back pain and a terrible feeling of just how alone I felt last year and that I’m not much further than I was this time last year. Have I really boxed myself in so deep that nothing will penetrate this anymore?

So do I just put it on another list of things that I need to work on? Is it possible to get passed all the past? Is it likely that I will actually let someone in ever again? Did things get so messed up that I just feel like I’m entirely alone? On the other side of the coin, if this is how I’ve operated my entire life is it ok for someone to be angry with me because I have my secrets? There mine to tell or not to tell right?

I’ve tried to talk about stuff whether in therapy or to someone and it’s never made things better in my opinion. In fact, most times it just makes it worse because then whoever you tell just is allowed to reference that whenever they want or ask questions about things.

These are the romantic relationship moments where I’d be crying and telling my “other half” about what went wrong and they’d be listening intently and at the end of it all they’d know to either offer their opinion or to just shut up and hold me tight. I need a mature and strong man to be with to help me through the moments like I’m having now.

I tried to go out tonight and take my mind off things, which it did for a moment. But then I come back home and it’s the reminisce of the beginning of the weekend that just make me feel more alone and sad. I then took a long shower that boiled my skin just to feel something else, did my skincare routine and sat down at the computer to type except I found myself googling jobs in other cities, in other states. I’m well aware that leaving behind a city doesn’t allow you to leave behind your problems but it’s something new. It’s a start.

I’m not even sure, at this point, that I care where I end up. Any city in any other state would make me happy right now or at least in my mind it will. There is nothing left for me here. I could get another job anywhere else. I don’t have any romantic connections here.

I actually submitted my resume to some places that I never thought I’d move to. Maybe one day I’ll actually run away and find something happy, something that I haven’t found in a very long time. I am one hundred percent sure that my time here is done. Coming to the realization that there’s nothing left here for me is a hard truth to accept but maybe one that I’ve needed to realize for a very long time.

Oh what a boring, lonely, mess I’ve made for myself with no idea how to clean things up. There’s only one thing that would make me stay and that’s finding some comfort and safety in someone. Problem with that is that there’s none in sight for even just a brief glimmer of hope on that front.

Tonight I am thoroughly convinced that I’m living someone else’s life. If this was a movie we’d be at the part where I’d find some worth while meaning helping someone else, or I’ve meet a man in the grocery store, or I’d cut my hair, change my name and move to some remote town in Utah as if I was being witness protection plan relocated. Except it’s not a movie. This is my life right now and I’m entirely unsure what to do next or where things went wrong.

Is there such a thing as a male order groom? That seems cruel to say where there’s one man in my life that’s never given up on me and wants to make me happy but he’s never been my comfort or my safety but he does treat me with some amazing respect.

I have new skills that will help me from staying in this dark hole that I’ve just been thrown back into so maybe that’s why I’m not too worried about getting myself back out into the light but I have to say that there’s a strange comfort is feeling like this again. I suppose it’s primarily because I’ve been here before but also because it feels like maybe I deserve it again.

I’m unsure which direction to go in because I have no map and nothing that even resembles direction. Today I’m having a hard time believing in fate or karma or anything that tells me I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what I believe right now, if anything at all. I just wish I didn’t feel this entirely alone.

It’s way too quiet in here tonight and all it does is leave me with thought which just make me sad. Hopefully sleep will be some sort of medication that I need. We shall see. This is the part, in my movie, where I drop to my knees and ask God for some sort of sigh that will lead me to the next part of my life with the next person in my life. The difference this time is that I know my prayers will be unanswered.

It’s a gloomy night tonight which actually fits right in with my emotions. I hope someone in this universe is listening tonight and if you are sad and feeling alone maybe it’ll be some sort of comfort to you that I feel the exact same way right now so I guess we can both feel alone together.

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Weekend’s Nurturing Nature…

I’ve, at this moment, decided against the music festival, unless absolutely coerced tomorrow. I had this horrible nightmare that I’d be out there in the cold and probably catch the flu, right before having to travel for Christmas. This did not appeal to me at all. That’s not to say that my weekend, or at least my Saturday still instant booked like crazy though. At this point I’ll be running around like a mad woman tomorrow and then come home to just chill out for the rest of the weekend. Maybe some cooking, cleaning or something nurturing is in the cards. Apparently, “they” say that right before women ovulate (sorry guys) they start to nest or organize or rearrange and that is all kicking in full force right now, for some reason.

While I spent my day at work, doing a bit of running around after, I’ve been really focused on chunking crap away. But here’s where my OCD comes in. I pulled out all the Christmas wrapping paper from the back of the closet, brought it to the living room and went back to organize the closet. Then I started going through shoes which soon turned into folding my t-shirts which made me realize that I’d inadvertently purchased a shirt for my friend that I don’t see anymore. That made me sad so I refolded and stuffed in the back of the drawer.

That made me a bit sad that we will end this year not having seen each other for three / four months and that might just lead to forever. But then I realize that I’d prayed to God and asked that if my friend not be in my life for the right reasons then to not have him in my life at all. Then that made me sad that if my prayers were actually answered it was because I’d feared the worst and it came true. But then I started cleaning again, and wrapping and keeping busy to not think about it at all because I’m tired of being sad. 

It’s gotten easier to have not seen him but it still makes me miss the fun we used to have. It might actually be the hardest thing I’ve done, to stay away and not reach out, knowing that I’m going to always have feelings for him. It would probably be horrible for him to know that of all the boys and out of the two loves of my life he was the biggest or most profound. I still have no idea why either. Just something that I felt, connected or intimate. Regardless, that’s an old chapter that’s been read over and closed for a while now. On to other less intense things now.

So, I’m almost done wrapping and have a few stops left on this crazy “getting ready for Christmas” journey but I feel good about it this year. Even though I’ve stayed busy with people, shopping and other crap I’ve still managed to have “me” time. I’m sure by the time it’s all over I’ll just collapse in my bed for at least a day.

One thing that’s on the agenda, over the holiday, is that my BFF and I are going to sit down and come up with some life goals or try to fix each others lives a bit. These WILL NOT be resolutions. They will be permanent changes. I’m ready for some permanent changes in my life, whether it’s a move, a job change or something. Stagnation is not acceptable for me and I’ve been stagnant for too long. I have a feeling it’ll be a long conversation between the two of us. Our lives have been pretty effed up lately.

So that’s my rambling tonight or I should say morning since it’s 3:30 in the am on Saturday. I’ve got some more wrapping to do tonight then up at 10 to start my day. Hope you are all having a great weekend.

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Each passing day…

With each passing day of silence, I’m remind as to why I’m done. It’s better to hurt now than later. Get over with the pain like ripping a band-aide off. I’ve been trying to rip this band-aide off for a while now but I’m a masochist. Apparently, I like the pain. I’d felt so numb for so long this was all a shock to the system.

I assume he’s found my worth in someone else, something else or has just become better without it. One day, hopefully, he’ll understand my worth wasn’t in dollars, pills or presents. I’ll still get sad. There’s too much that will remind me of him. What a nice final gift for him to know that the only thing I needed or loved was him without any extras and in his current state. I wish the feelings were returned.

He was never discarded for another. He was never used for sport. He was never ignored or meant to feel anything less than important. Again, I wish all of that was returned. I’m much less angry now but sometimes I wonder just how many addresses he actually has? Just how many of those housed his heart?

I fucking hate this hole that’s left. Time may mean nothing to him but it means a great deal to me. He said I never needed him? Well, fuck him because he never asked. He didn’t want me to need him anyway… Too much responsibility. All I wanted from him was some fucking real emotions. Something aside from anger. This was never shit to him anyway, just a waste of time and space.

So what! He did so many things that I loved in my perfect man, except the one thing that I needed and that was to love back just a little bit. Okay, so I’m a bit mad still. I’m sick of thinking about him when I’m not even a passing thought. I’m sick of dreaming about him when I’m not even a supporting role in his dreams. I’m sick of giving a shit… When does all this fucking shit go away?

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… and that’s how I’m feeling right now. Luckily, this is before my workout so maybe I’ll get some of this anger out. I pray every single night for all the people that I love, for Him to watch over them and I always ask him to prove to me that my friend is supposed to be in my life. So far, he’s made his point very clear this week. I’ve been told that when you pray, not getting an answer isn’t the same as getting one but what do I know about this stuff?

I honestly have no idea anymore why this matters. I should treat this like he does, without a thought in the world. Maybe that’s what I’ll pray for. “Dear God, please make me see this friendship as importantly as he does.” Maybe then I’ll never think about him or care anymore. It really feels like I saved up all my emotions from all my years and shoved them into this… whatever it was.

There is seriously so much more than this going on in my life right now. I can’t take this much longer. I’m going undercover this weekend… Literally, I’m going to get under the covers after work and not come up for air ever… Okay, maybe that’s not how my weekend will go. I’ll try to meditate and each time I think about him I’ll pinch myself. I have a feeling I’ll be black and blue by the time the weekends over.

Call me a broken record all you want but this is getting ridiculous. How is it possible to be so angry, upset, sad and used from one person and yet still feel the love you have for them. Being a fucking chick sucks sometimes. I just want to KNOW WHY!!!!! Why him? Why now? Why this hard? Why can’t it be easy? When will it stop hurting?

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Answered Prayers and Altered Realities…

Why is it that when I pray about or for someone else God seems to hear me but when I pray about myself, nothing seems to change? Now that I’ve asked that I’ll ask this. Who do you pray for and what do you pray about? This is a strange topic for me, being that I’m not religious but I’ll answer those latter questions that I’ve asked of you. I pray for world peace. Just kidding. Beauty contestants do that enough for all of us. I pray for my BFF, that she stay well, be happy and make the right decisions in her life. I pray for my niece, that she be healthy, happy and safe. I pray for my friend that seems to always be on the wrong path of life. I pray that he finds peace, happiness and that he finds acceptance with his state of mind and that he lives a great life. That being said, I prayed for a few different things for him last night and at least one of them appears to have come to fruition today. Not sure I had anything to do with it but still. I always wonder what they all pray for. It’s always seemed a bit strange that right before you go into bed, you kneel, clasp your hands together and talk to someone that you can only have faith is listening to you. I suppose it brings comfort and some sort of clarity once the words pass your lips but it’s still strange none-the-less.

Today has been strange in all parts. My ex was being a bit of a brat today. We watched John Wick over the weekend and there’s a scene in there with a puppy. If you’ve seen it then you know what I’m talking about but it had me crying like a broken water faucet. Here’s the thing, I don’t cry. Very few people have witnessed this and I didn’t think I would have but it came out and he’s not let me forget it since. Any normal human should have cried over that. But regardless, he’s annoyed me and we were supposed to watch the meteor shower Thursday but I told him I couldn’t because I had to work. That seems to be my “go-to” excuse these days when I’m just not feeling it. Instead, I’d still like to watch it but I’m in need of having something let me sleep a few hours, wake me at 3 in the morning so we can watch for a few hours then go back to sleep for a while and wake me back up with a lot of coffee. I need to be rich so I can afford to pay someone to do that. I don’t usually stay mad for long so he might get to take me out Sunday, to the movies, like we’d planned. We shall see.

Even before all that annoyance though I was woken up by my “brother from another mother” who lives in the east coast, DC, New York, I don’t even know anymore but he was asking when I was coming to visit him. He’s offered an expense paid vacation and I really need to go see him. It’s a business expense for him so that’s a bonus but I need to get the hell outta here for a while. Go somewhere. Do something new. This town and these people are boring me so much right now. I’m not looking forward to anything and that’s a problem. When that happens I tend to get antsy and start looking for homes and jobs in random cities. One day I’ll actually do it. I don’t think there’s anything left here for me. It would be different if some of the extremely vivid dreams I’ve been having would come true but they are not and my mind feels heavy. I feel the need to have someone perform a trepanation on me. As they say, this too shall pass, I hope.

After that this morning, I found out my ex FWB went to save a friend of his that was getting beaten her boyfriend and they got into this fight where he (the ex FWB) actually didn’t hit back. His daughter was in the room and he didn’t want her to see that side of him. He’s a tall, buff guy. Back in the day he used to be a fighter and could probably take on anyone but he’s grown up and realized that he never wanted his daughter to meet that side of him. I have much respect for him for so many things that happened last night and now the poor guy is staying in a hotel because he’s new third wife is insane and he’s probably going to get a divorce, again. What a weird set of events that occurred for him. He’s a really sweet guy, never was too terribly smart though but he seems to have grown up a lot from the guy I met years ago. Good for him.

There’s a bunch of other stuff that happened that brings the scale of weird way past where it should be but the truth is, I’m so tired tonight I don’t even want to rehash it all. I guess you could say that I’m in a weird mood tonight. I will say this though, after seeing the temperature earlier and the “feels like” at 115 it’s nice to hear the pitter-patter of the rain drops tonight. It’s a bit comforting. Apparently comfort is what I’ve been searching for lately as I’m not getting it anywhere. I’m not sure I’ve ever really had it much. I’ve also never really confided in anyone. Well, not the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Who actually wants one person to know that much about you though? It seems like such a weapon that you hand over, freely. Maybe that’s the wrong approach. I don’t know anymore. I told you I was in a weird mood today, tonight. This blog is my outlet and hopefully it won’t use any of my truth against me at a later time.

I’m going to, hopefully, go to sleep soon as my dreams are much better than my reality right now. Hope you all had a great day. Maybe I’ll bathe this mood off me. Good Night.

Sleep To Dream By: Fiona Apple