Waiting… yet again, for something we all deserve.

This week has been a strange one already. Aside from work driving me crazy, my ex that I work with and I have had to do a bunch of personal stuff for my boss who’s on his millionth vacation this year. At least him being away gives us the power to come and go as we please. That takes away a bit of stress. But next week he’s going to have a shock to the system when we (my ex and I) both go in to his office and demand a difference.

His favorite phrase since this whole new change at the office is “Wait till the smoke clears. Everything will be great.” Problem with this is, not only has the smoke not cleared but it feels like Hiroshima. I even went as far as making a humor t-shirt that depicted the boss drinking a margarita saying everything will be fine on the front while on the back was an actual picture of Hiroshima and the quote “While in the real world” above. We presented it to him before his vacation and instead of understanding our point he just narcissisticlly smiled at the fact that he now had a t-shirt with his photo on it. I really need less narcissistic people in my life.

Aside from that I also had another go in the surgical chair for three and a half hours. That is way to long to be awake at all for something that painful and again against everyone else’s better judgement I drove home afterward. I really shouldn’t have but when I got here THE friend was here making himself at home. That made me feel better except when I thanked him for staying he promptly stated that he really only stayed cause he was lazy and it had nothing to do with me… Yet again proving that my company doesn’t make a difference. That’s one he really could have just lied about.

Today I’d decided I was going to call an old friend to see if he could get me tickets to Guns N Roses this Friday. I’d been planning on going for a while but never got around to getting tickets assuming they’d just fall into my lap if I was meant to go. When I did, I realized I hadn’t talked to him in a while and of course he wanted to “get together”. I told him that wasn’t a good idea because I’m not doing that with just anybody anymore and if that was his caveat then I’d just miss the show. The moment I said no he seemed to have lost all sweetness because he said, “I thought we had a good thing”. (Please read that in a dopey voice). All I could think of saying was, “Are you kidding me? Is getting your rocks off that important to you cause that’s all it was”. However, I didn’t say that at all. I could have also said, “Look you little f*cker! I helped start your business, and did a shitload for you and this is how you repay me.” But I didn’t say that either.

The point is I’m tired of being around selfish, narcissistic assholes that honestly can’t see any other wants or needs than their own. I’m tired of making sure everyone else is taken care of and that everyone else has what they need before I get anything. I’m tired of getting treated as an ATM, a grocery store or a whore. That’s the bottom line. Is anyone else capable of doing something that isn’t somewhat selfish? While it’s possible that I’m in pain, in a mood and hormonal it is also possible that these are the times that I speak the most truth.

My friend, the Shaman, always said to write out what I want in that moment so that the universe hears me. So here is my “want” right now. I want someone to wake up to that sweet, kind and gives a shit about my feelings, my desires and MY wants. I want someone in my life who speaks in honesty, with kind words and who leaves beautiful footprints on my soul and not shoe scuffs on my heart. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have someone actually treat me like a princess for just one evening. I’m not delusional enough to want that every single day but once in a while is deserved.

It seems as though the most honest, loyal and mutual relationship I have is with my ex that I work with. He’s the first boy that I was ever in love with and we have a great relationship. We joke with each other, confide in each other, truth each other and have each others back. We give each other honest but kind advice. There’s fun sexual banter thrown around but it’s harmless and we respect each other. I don’t want anything else from him and vice versa.

Now, if I could duplicate that type of relationship with the comfort I feel with THE friend and find someone who treats me the way I should be treated, then I’d have the perfect boy. The problem is I’ve got all these assholes in the path to finding something better. When I ask for surprises, and hugs and kisses it’s never too much to ask. And it’s also not like I’m out there in the real world obsessed in finding someone but I’m almost at the point where I’d rather be completely alone that feel lonely in others company.

I don’t know who else to phrase the same prayer that I need someone in my life to make me feel something other than shit. I need some sort of a sign that things will get better other than a psychic friend who tells me things that I no longer yearn to hear because it’s all shit. It’s all false hope and I’m done today. I’m aware that if you all had a $1.00 for each time I said I was done then you’d all be rich right now but you have no idea how close I am to this. Life would just be a little sweeter with someone that I can be with that gets to be treated the way that I want to treat them. There’s so much more kindness, love and compassion and fun in me to show the right person.

So, I guess I leave one more prayer tonight: I pray that God show me a sign that there is someone that’s been worth the wait and that there has been a reason why it’s never worked out with anyone else and that it’s not my fault that I passed up some pretty amazing men in my past. I pray that he just bring a man that treats me even better than I think I deserve to be treated.

And that’s all folks, for tonight.
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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 15 and a talk about flirting.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My good thing about today was dinner. Of course I’ll tell you about it.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 56 minutes plus 10 more at work.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

I could tell that my GBF was getting upset with me because I kept skipping out on plans so I agreed to meet him and his sister for dinner at our usual. This would be the place where the waiter slipped me his number a few weeks ago. This was actually a blast tonight because the same waiter was half hungover and half still drunk. So, I commenced to harmless flirtation all night.

I’ve learned that you have to gauge your audience. What are they into? Do they want to hear innocent flirting, raunchy flirting or a bit of both? This guy wanted a bit of both with my usual, “You’re not going to have me anyway” speak. By the end of the night, not only did I get my meal paid for but all the wait staff including the manager was at our table. These are fun nights to have.

You see, being around “boiler room/wall street” sales men gives you an idea as to what men want. Well, what those men want and it’s easy to spot them. They are the narcissistic, entitled a-holes that have usually never had a woman say no to them. That’s pretty much the only reason that I keep their attention is because I like to say no to them. But they’re also the same type of guy that once they’ve had you, they don’t need you. This is why I’ve never fallen for one of them or ever said yes.

They’re also the same type of guy that, at the end of the day, don’t really care what your name is, what you do nor any thought in your head so the only way to keep them “interested” is to play their game. Except, they don’t win which drives them crazy. It’s fun and I’m good at it as long as I don’t really care about them. I can flirt like crazy. It’s not really a skill you can put on a resume but that’s not really what it’s about. And while I’m good at it with people I don’t care about, I’m absolutely horrible when it comes to actually caring about someone and flirting because they it just seems all awkward like someone in junior high. I’m hopeless.

Tonight it was just about some innocent fun. I put on some cute heels and just appreciated it and I realized that it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten drunk and made some really bad decisions… Maybe that’s what I’m in need of. Maybe I just really need one drunken night with some really bad decisions and that will fulfill me for a while. I just need some man to play around with. The waiter would be a good choice except something tells me while he’s very attractive, he probably has a really hairy chest. Have I told you how NOT a fan of that I am?

I have no idea what I need. For now I’m just prayer for God to do whatever he feels is the best thing for me. We shall see what that is. It’s usually never what you think it should be.

I’m off to finish my routine pantless and to go to bed, alone. Hope you’re having a great week.

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27 Days of Music – The W’s… and some rambling.

It seems as though, tonight, God might have answered my prayers. I feel myself slipping away from the connection that my friend and I shared. The problem with answered prayers? They’re not always what you expect, in fact they’re rarely what you expect. I just didn’t feel anything tonight. I didn’t feel that same connection that started a little over three years ago. Maybe this IS where he’s been the whole time. Maybe that’s the answer. Or maybe none of this is the answer. If this has been where he’s at this whole time I can understand why it was so easy for someone to break this. I’m tired of being a placeholder because while he’s out looking for the love of his life, I’m putting his feelings before everything else. I refuse to hold a place for anyone because I’m worth so much more than he’ll ever understand.

My friend, from the Northeast has offered me to work full time for him in the future. This will allow me to move wherever I need to go. There will be nothing keeping me here aside from a few close friends that will make the trek to wherever I go to see me and vice versa. So, I could move to Austin with family and watch my niece grow up. All I know is that I’m too old for what I’m doing now.

My brother sent me this video last night of my niece. It was her brushing her teeth, flossing and putting everything strategically back. I’m reminded of my OCD when I watched this. People say that she reminds them of me, a lot. She’s barely three and has these little traits that I have. It’s really unbelievable. My point it that I want that. I don’t want to do this effing waiting around any longer for some stupid meaningless connection which doesn’t seem possible with anyone any longer.

I hate feeling like this. It’s an empty space feeling inside and it’s not some chemical imbalance. It’s the realization that my life could be entirely different if I’d just chosen either one of those guys or a different job or just a different life. My life choices seemed so trivial when I was making them and arbitrary but now they make me feel like I’m in the wrong life.

I deserve to have what I want. I deserve to have a family and I deserve to be happy and in a life where things didn’t turn out like this. No, my life doesn’t suck it’s just disappointing to me and my vision. I refuse to be around my younger friends, who are either playing around like children or happily married and share these thoughts. I refuse to be around my older friends who are divorced and unhappy and share these thoughts.

My birthday is a week away and I am smart enough to know that spending nights out, with random people is immature and spending my nights in being sad is unacceptable. I’m not sure where that leaves me right now. I used to look forward to my friend and my’s little outings until I realized that I might just be the first one on this list that replied. There’s nothing special any longer.

Am I sad that the connection is fleeting, this time, so fast with my friend? I don’t even know the answer to that. For such a long time, it’s felt like the only real thing that I’ve had. I could always count on feeling that way. It had become a sort of tether that would bring me out of these moods but I also knew that it was only time. I knew that those feelings, just like everything in life, had an expiration date and I also knew that if that ash wasn’t flamed that it would die out and I also knew that if I wasn’t explained by him what the hell this all was to him then I’d realize it was time to not keep doing this. I was just hoping that what was left after the ash died wouldn’t be an unrecognizable mess of typical. He and I really and truly have NOTHING that is just ours, not any more. That statement wasn’t said by someone who has/had feelings for someone else. It’s was said by someone that wants something special with each and every one of her close friends and I have that with all except him. This isn’t something but to pass the time with.

I really need an answered prayer right now but I don’t even know what my question is anymore. I don’t think I’m ok right now and of course, I’ve ignored all the texts and phone calls for the past few hours as to shut myself off from the world because that’s the only thing that I know how to do really, really well.

My hope is that I wake up tomorrow and this is all just a mood that I’m in but my fear is that it’s not. Maybe this friendship kept me here three years longer than it should or just proved to me what I really wanted and needed but right now it’s only lesson is one of sadness and a realization of a feeling that I’ve never had before slipping away so fast.

You know, I’ve never been one that expected to be saved nor blissfully happier than anyone else that I knew. But I expected to find someone that kept me grounded, had meaningful conversations with and shared some sort of intimacy that I’d never had before. What I ask for, and what I deserve is nothing extraordinary. Where the hell is he????? I’m so tired of waiting.

I’m off to have a drink on a empty stomach with someone that I probably shouldn’t. We’ll see just how horrible this turns out tomorrow. So much for the full moons greatness this weekend. So much for emotions cause today they are useless.

Is this the end?

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27 Days of Music – The V’s… and some rambling thoughts.

We’re almost at the end of this melodic alphabetic journey. I suppose that will give me an excuse to not write my thoughts out until they explode again. That’s never good. I’m feeling very strange tonight. It’s possible that it’s the full moon but since I’ve not been on speaking terms with the stars lately, I’m not sure that’s the problem.

I’ve been very antsy today and possibly lonely. I’m not sure. I can feel lonely with a room full of people so I don’t even know if that’s the issue today. It might be that I just washed down my sleeping pill with a soda, which I usually never drink.

A big, clean and cold sky that’s full of stars and a great big full moon. That’s supposed to bring on something, strange or great or different. I wish for different. I always wish for different. I’m so tired of doing the same things lately. I am really in a weird funk right now with not much of a reason for it either. I guess I keep waiting for the “other shoe to drop” as they say. Just not sure which aspect of my life it’s going to fall from.

“God, tonight I ask for something new and great to come into my life and for you to take this uneasy feeling away. I’d like to be happily surprised by something that could actually be life changing soon. The stars aren’t listening to me and I’m hoping you don’t have me on mute either. Amen”

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27 Days of Music – The S’s… and some rambling.

Good Evening. I’ve just gotten back from dinner with some friends and they decided to have a “talk” with me about dating or I should say my lack of dating lately. This is such an effed up topic for me lately for a few reasons. First, my ex still texts me randomly but stupid things. I forwarded one of these texts to my GBF the other night and he said, “Because he made that joke? That’s what guys do. You’re being over critical but it’s your choice”. I wanted to punch him. It was a weird foul joke that could have been better received by a male friend of his so I ignored him. I should probably just stop interacting with him all together because he’ll get the wrong idea otherwise but my GBF (Gay Best Friend) does have a point, which I’ll detail later.

Second, I met a guy a few weeks ago and have been doing the whole “get to know you” chatting since then. He’d asked me what my favorite movies were and as you can tell from my music choices, one of them is Red Shoe Diaries. His reply was “if it’s the one I’m thinking you’re a bit of a wild child”. I’m sure by “wild” he meant slutty which is far from the truth. But I’m already over that guy. He’s a bit boring.

So I have an excuse to not date four different guys in my life right now. To me they are just not what I’m looking for at all. I don’t feel entirely comfortable. They don’t make me smile. They do things that completely gross me out and lastly, even thought they are all very good-looking, I’m not sexually attracted to them, regardless of how very aroused I have been lately.

This brings me to the next portion of this program. You’ve all read, probably numerous times (sorry not sorry for that), what I want, need or cherish in a man right? So, my friend (the one who went MIA for a while) DOES EXACTLY THAT! We went and saw Star Wars last night. After that, came home. I didn’t think he would have stayed, assuming he had many stops on his nightly tour but he did. I had one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a while (he slept on the couch). Then I thought he’d be gone by the time I got home and not only was he still here, which made me happy, but he’d gotten rid of all the Goodwill bags, washed the dishes and was working out after reading a book… We also act like kids with each other.

My point in all this is that he really does check a lot of those effing imaginary boxes and it’s totally and completely unfair because he will never see us as anything other than friends. :-\ So what do I do with all this pent-up emotions, sexual tension and continual thoughts that I’ll never find someone who makes me feel like he does? Well, as of right now, all I can do is write about them here.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew how hard this was for me, would he still do any of it? I know, in my mind, that he’s just being a friend and being helpful and I can separate these things from the reason that I wish he was doing them for but it doesn’t make it any easier. Then, there’s also another reason as to why I can’t let myself fully and completely just enjoy the friend again. I think I’ll always be afraid that the next girlfriend that comes along, he’ll be gone again. I don’t understand this. This doesn’t happen with me, not when I have true friendships. They are the last thing to go, ever. But this last girl who came into his life, he tossed this friendship aside without a second thought, without feeling a thing and without any regret what-so-ever.

I sent him an email the other night. Not sure if he’ll ever read or acknowledge it but I told him that I needed him to tell me what this whole relationship we have meant to him one day. I’ll need him to articulate what this was. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that answer from him nor from God either, who has heard me pray about my friend more than anyone else.

I realize that, in a friendship, where only one has feelings for the other it’s hard and I know that he never asked for this to happen. In fact, I can only imagine that he sits back stunned sometimes that it did. I’ve said this before but if these feelings weren’t here I’m not sure we’d have made it this far and the truth is, we almost didn’t, several times. This time I see him trying so hard to put his life on track and I’m so happy for that. I just really need some proof that while he’s gaining speed to get where he needs to go that he doesn’t leave me on the side of the road again, under a sign that says, “Replaceable”.

There was a whole other part that I was going to write too but I’ll leave that for another day. Hope you’re all having a great week. Regardless of my tone, I’ve had a good week. I’m reserving great for now but good is what I’ll take.

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Finally time to rest, for a minute or two.

I’ve officially finished shopping, wrapping and buying anything for a while. I’m so happy to be done with it all. I like to buy things but I’m not a fan of the whole shopping experience especially when there’s so much retail bitchiness out there. I’ve witness two fights over parking spots, tug of war over the last item on a shelf and people stealing. Since when was all that supposed to be in the Christmas spirit? I think next year I’ll suggest that we all just send each other photos of the things that we WOULD buy for each other and then share a phone call or two instead. It’s not that I’m not in the spirit this year, actually I am more than the last several. I’ve “Olaf’ed from Frozen” my nails for my niece. I’m bringing games and I will cook something.

Speaking of games, I broken down and purchases Cards Against Humanity and have to say that while playing this today, I almost peed twice. It’s absolutely a game that I got into but I’m a pretty competitive person so I can get into anything as long as there is a winner. I’ll be off soon on my three day, two night excursion and the one thing I can say is that with all the crap I have to pack and take with me, I miss my old car a bit however, my new one has total new energy in it so it’s an even trade for less trunk space.

I’ve already been given a few things like makeup, jewelry, cash and oils but there’s still things that I really, really want that no one knows about. I still need my dished done, my laundry done and my home a bit cleaner. Those are the things that I would tell Santa to bring me if he could. I might even skip the request for a husband if I could get a housekeeper instead. Okay, that’s not true but if he could bring me one that cleaners, cooked and massaged my very soar shoulders that would be the best gift ever.

I digress. I went to a friends house earlier and her little girl was upset and crying. I think she’s four. Right before I left she handed me this yellow gemstone, out of no where. I found it appropriate since the gemstones means the following, “Clarity for decision making, relief from burnout, panic nervousness, exhaustion, protection from lethargy and depression during dull weather.” I think it’s probably something that we could all use around this time of year but I do have to say that I’m pretty bummed that it won’t be snowing this year or even coming close. Alright, I don’t ever actually expect it to snow here but I would like weather that warrants gloves, boots and thick sweaters and not shorts and t-shirts. If I wanted a warm winter, I’d go vacation on an island somewhere with my Christmas cash. Saying that above makes me feel guilty that I never made it to Goodwill or somewhere to donate my overflowing garbage bags full of donations. I had every intent to do that before I left. That will be first on my to-do list when I get back.

So on to traditions. My family used to have this crazy tradition where we’d open each gift separately from stocking to tree. It would take hours. Once, we were doing it till 3 in the morning. Friends would come over throughout the day and just sit back and watch what we’d do and in normal British tradition we’d have mini-breaks to smoke, refill drinks or eat sausage rolls or minced pies (gross). Then, my brother married into a family that was a lot different than that and for years we’ve had a combined Christmas where we eat at my brother’s mother-in-laws house on the eve then on Christmas day would either be at my parents or brothers. Now it’s at my brothers since his house is huge and everyone opens one gift separately and the rest you just tear open. Our tradition was tedious but they’re is hectic. I’m sure somewhere in between is a compromise.

That’s something that I say a lot. I like the idea of a tradition. My parents, brother and I still have a few British traditions like crackers, brandy butter (yum) and cheese and port afterward but I’d like to start my own with my own family. I guess I have one and that’s with my BFF. She and I usually have our Christmas the day after on Boxing day. That’s about it though. I like things that I have that are just mine and one other. I like the idea that there’s some sort of structure or routine that’s just ours. I like tradition, what can I say…

There is one little gift that I’m super excited about though. It’s one for just my brother and I. I bought a snowball shooter, or two of them for us to play shoot each other with, with extra snowballs. Yep, there’s a lot about me that’s still a kid. I don’t ever want to lose that child-like quality about myself. Whether it’s snowball fights, water gun fights or just being a bit silly I want to have all those things with someone that I can start traditions with too. Is that too much to ask?

Ok, so this diatribe of holiday spirit has gone on way too long. I’m going to finish a bit of clearing up, pray for things that I might never get and sleep. Hope you are all enjoying this time.

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Social Media boycott and other useless things…

I just, finally, got a chance to think for a while and realized that I hadn’t been on here for sometime. My world has been crazy and strange as usual but I’ve also been boycotting social media as I’ve been going through a lot. After reading an article and talking to a friend of mine we’d discussed how much better it feels to not be on any site but rather out in the real world. The article was stating the obvious, that people are happier, healthier and more mentally stable when they are not on social media and the ones that aren’t on there are often more intelligent and well grounded. I do understand that this site is considered social media but I look at it more as an online journal. I deleted some site profiles and facebook will be dumped as soon as I can switch over the admin rights to my business site.

But it started me thinking that I was supposed to be going sky diving in a few days. Which made me think of my friend that I’ve talked about so much on here. We’ve not seen or spoken to each other in months. I’m not really sure how I feel about that but I do know that I can read this as God answering my prayer. My last prayer for him was that if my friend truly loved and cared for me as he said he did then he’d find a way to reach out to me without any asterisk or reason but if my “friend” was just using me and never really cared about our friendship then I wouldn’t hear from him. Well, I’ve not heard from him. I’ve been so wrapped up in some really bad stuff that I’ve not had time to process this much but it makes me sad that this will be his first birthday in a few years that someone else will get to make sure he gets pampered. Since God might have answered my prayers, it’s possible he never really cared that it was me that was making sure his day was what he wanted anyway. I miss his face, our time together and I miss our weird relationship but as I’ve said many times before, I guess this had an expiration date. It didn’t have to but he has had no drive to reach out once he found someone else to spend his time with. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths again and maybe one day I’ll realize why this happened.

But moving on passed that bit of sadness, it’s now the time for giving. I’ve been doing a lot of volunteer work lately and trying to, at the very least, make others happy. Truth is, and please don’t spread this, but I’m actually a very nice and kind person. I’m just wrapped in an icy package. If you can break through that then there’s hope for you.

I’m not sure I’m ready to write about the bad stuff that’s been going on lately but only because I’m trying to sort it all out. I’m not so good at the communication or the emotional stuff. This is where I need help, always have. I’ve still not had any time to just sit and watch TV for months now. My DVR queue is doubling by the day and I don’t really even have much desire to care about it. Three of my favorite shows started in the past couple months and I’ve not watched any of it.

Soon we’ll be doing the Thanksgiving thing with family and friends and not long after that it’ll be Christmas. I can’t even think about that let alone be reminded every time I walk into any establishment. People are already asking what I want for Christmas and the things I really want I can’t ask for or don’t know how. This would be my list:
I want to be able to be emotionally healthy.
I want bad things to stop happening to the people I care about and me.
I want a redo on a few things.
I want someone to realize that I need things that I’m not willing to ask for and just help anyway.
I want to have not been right about a lot of things lately.
I want my world to stop spinning so fast for just a little while.
I want some happy in my life.
I want all the stupid, fake, simple and hurtful people to just go away, far far away from me.

That’s my list. Should all be easy to do right? Not so much but I have been going to church and meditating a lot lately. That helps, both do. My music is still there which helps. Today, apparently, I was supposed to spend my time driving listening to the Velvet Underground and Nico. Not such a bad idea, iTunes music. Thank you. But what I’m really in need of is some good or even great surprises. I need this to happen sooner than later or I’m going to go off the deep end. I’m so tired of the same, simple, shitty expectations being met. Even the boys that are around me are the same, simple and shitty. Well, that’s not true. They’re not shitty. They are, however, boring. There’s just no spark. I don’t waste my time without a spark anymore. There’s just no reason too.

Blah, I wish I had something perfectly amazing to write about but not lately, I don’t. Maybe I’ll have better luck this weekend. I have no idea why. Too many things to do when all I want to do is sleep.

I hope you all are having a amazing and blessed day. What’s on your Christmas list?

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