Making myself better challenge… Day 24 (Wednesday)

1. One good thing: My workout tonight was the best part of my day.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, at an hour and 1 minute and you bet you ass I’m going to count that 1 minute.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: Yes. This is a preemptive yes right now.

I’m already thinking of my next “Challenge” for June. I’m thinking of maybe volunteering somewhere new, taking a new class or doing one thing that I’ve never done before. I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please send them to me. I’ll probably keep the healthy stuff around but I’ve been able to accumulate some extra cash and therefore want to focus on something fun.

Maybe finding something enjoyable is what I need to distract me from the things that aren’t going to right in my life. You remember my five pillars of life? Family, finance, friends, career and love. Well lets take some stock… Family is mediocre. Finance is good. Friends are great. Career is good. Love is non-existent. 😦 It doesn’t have to be but it is.

I could, like so many others get back on Tinder but I really only used it to pass the time. I’d get these guys that were just into hooking up and I’d practice my dirty talk then when they got too stalker-ish I’d block them. It was entertaining for about five minutes but it’s a desperation app for the classless people, in my opinion.

Meh, instead I will just continue to focus on myself and offer to everyone else great dating or relationships advice because, well, I don’t need it. Yes, I’m sounding a bit negative about the situation and it’s mainly just because I’m exhausted. Wondering what I should do, how I should be, who should I be with. I should just stop looking or caring but that seems impossible at times. I just don’t want it to be so exhausting anymore. That’s all.

This whole time I’ve been texting with my BFF some really great advice. I guess those who don’t date teach right? It’s not that I can’t date it’s that it’s just not that appealing to go out and find someone new who I don’t feel an automatic connection too and waste their time. So my options at this very moment are, date the ex, date a new guy, bitch and moan because the only one I WANT to be with is too interested in flirting with the rest of the city or just do me for a while and say screw everyone else? Right now, my BFF and I are talking about moving to another country because neither of us really have a reason to stay here. Maybe it is time for a total change of everything. I’m keeping that thought in the back of my mind to use when I really need it which feels like it might come very soon.

I haven’t really had a bad day but it has been very thought provoking. Maybe it’s time to consult the stars again… Just kidding they have lied so much to me about what my future is supposed to hold that it’s become a joke. I think I’m gonna go for another walk now to clear my head, maybe wish upon a star and get lost in some music instead of my own thoughts.

Nite x

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Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 16.

1. No complaining. I’m changing this to just finding one thing about today was the best part.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. My one good thing today was talking to my BFF for about two hours.
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and five minutes.
4. Eat healthy – Check however I did eat a cookie but I’m ok with that. It was just one.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

Today, I’m in a bit of a strange mood. I was perfectly fine after work but then I talked with my BFF about what’s going on in her life. I feel bad that I can’t fix the bad parts for her. I guess if I’m not perfect I’ll try my hardest to fix everyone else around me. I know I can’t do that either.

Some days I feel like Dorthy who needs to take all my friends to the wizard to get “fixed”. I’d take my BFF to get healthy. I’d take my GBF to get a normal relationship of equal love and care. Lastly, I’d take THE friend to get courage. I’m not sure what I’d ask for… love, a soulmate, maybe nothing. Right now the only thing that I want is a rainy day, someone to cuddle with and someone that asks me how my day was and actually wants me to answer that.

Actually, I think right now, I just want a secret relationship. My friends would probably say that I have those a lot but I haven’t had one in a while. I want to be with someone that’s with me when they’re with me and when we’re not it doesn’t matter. What we’d have is just ours for those moments we’re together. Why is that so intriguing to me? I do love my secrets. There’s some sort of intimacy about something being between just two people and no one else knowing… I like that. Call me crazy.

So I guess that’s what I’d ask for from the wizard right now. That would bring me some happiness. What would you ask for? Where would your yellow brick road lead you?

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 5 and today’s thoughts.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining. – We’ll see how this goes after my thoughts.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour pretty late this evening but it feels great to accomplish it.
4. Eat healthy – Check. I even, finally, met up with some friends and still had a healthy dinner out.
5. My strict routine doesn’t really take effect on the weekends even though it should.

So today was a bit of a weird day. One of my nightly rituals is that I read my horoscope for the next day but I can only do this after midnight (a bit of my OCDness). Basically, it said that someone would be extra specially nice to me today for no other reason than just because even though it would seem that they would be about to ask a favor. Even though I don’t take full advice from these horoscopes it still made me be on guard all day. With every single nice thing done I kept wondering, “Is this it?” So by the end of the day I realize just how many people do really nice shit for me all the time and never expect anything. They literally do it because they want to and that’s it. Strange how you realize things like that.

By the end of the day I’d gotten my lunch and dinner paid for. I’d received a very nice piece of jewelry from a friend and I received some cash out of no where. None of this was expected and yet appreciate ten fold. If there’s one lesson that I learned from today, expect nothing and when you do get something it’s a nice surprise.

On the boss front though, after he’d texted some drunk texts to me last night about how upset he was, I’d decided to spin some thoughts into some words that formed an email to him. Since I know both him and his girlfriend enough, I wrote the email from his point of view because she had overly expressed her opinion enough to him. I’d basically said all the things that I though he SHOULD tell her, but in a form that wasn’t as bitter or angry as he was at that very moment. I texted him to check his email assuming that he paraphrase or at the bare minimum use it for some inspiration.

When he came into work today, I’d asked him about the email that I’d sent him and he laughed. He then admitted that he just out right plagiarized my entire thought process by copying and pasting into his own email and sending it to her. I laughed because if she does know him as well as she should she’d know most of those words or explanations of emotions didn’t come from his own fingers plucking at the keyboard but rather his highly intelligent and beautiful wordsmith of an employee.

There was a small bit of me that assumed he might do that last night and either way I’m fine with it because it’s brought them to a better place. For me, this seems to be the adage about “those that can’t do teach”. Well, in this scenario, “Those who don’t date, teach”. I’m happy either way if they work things out.

Another thing that I noticed today is that once I started saying, “No” to a lot of things because my plate is too full right now I started feeling so much better. I can’t be all things to everyone and I can’t do everything for everyone that asks therefore I realized today that it’s ok to say No. The best part here is that I don’t feel guilty about it either. I thought I would but I realized after stressing myself out so much yesterday that I made myself physically sick, there had to be a breaking point. Well, it turned into more of a break-through point.

After all the kindness I received today for no reason what-so-ever, after the break-through that it’s ok to say no to people and after realizing that I can’t control the world or at least I don’t have to, I am in a good mood tonight and will be able to have a nice weekend. I will be able to have a controlled, relaxed weekend which is even nicer.

There was a thought I’d had last night though that I hadn’t thought for a while. While I was an on-looker to my boss’s emotional meltdown yesterday I’d received a text from my ex who had randomly gone to New York for his job. He knows the love New York and sent me pictures all day of things all around. The last one I got was the beautiful skyline at night with a message, “Knowing that these pictures make you happy is the second best thing that I could do right before I sleep. The first would be lying next to you in this city. Good night, sleep fast and sweet dreams beautiful xx.” I give the man an A for trying so hard and it’s nice to have someone that does and says such nice things.

I was reading these and this random thought appeared to me. I was alone at the time but I wasn’t lonely. A few hours later, while I was laying in bed is when the thought came to me that that’s when I become lonely. When I’m laying in bed alone. It reminded me of this line in the HBO show Vinyl, which is awesome by the way, but Olivia Wilde’s character say’s “I’m so lonely it’s pathetic”. For some reason that line rang true to me when she said it so much it almost hurt but then I realized that I truly felt that way right before I sleep.

That’s a sad thought to me but I realize that I don’t have to feel that way. I could, realistically, jump on a plane and be in New York and not be alone or lonely lying next to someone who truly loves me and cares for me much more than I’ll ever reciprocate. But that’s the problem though. While he makes me feel loved and cared for, he doesn’t make me feel safe or comfortable. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone else that does. I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter but obviously it does. Somewhere along the way of this blog being about my dating life, it’s turned into something about a story about a boy and a girl that will never have a happy ending and she can’t seem to find someone to replace him with and he doesn’t care because everyone else and everything else is so much more important to him than she is. That’s a pretty sad reality.

Regardless of those final thoughts this was still a good day. I’m going to go watch some crappy TV and fall asleep on the couch because for some reason it feels a bit less lonely. Hope you all have a great weekend.
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May’s ‘Make Myself Better’ Challenge… Day One. (Yesterday doesn’t count) :-)

Well, it’s a day late and I’ve already forgone one of the criteria for this months challenge but I’ve decided to do this challenge myself. I realized that I stopped filling up my “jar challenge” but not because I forgot because I didn’t have any great things to put in there that I wanted to remember. I need to change that. So I’m starting a Make Myself Better Challenge today. This is my criteria:
1. No complaining – (I realize that I already broke this after my earlier post but I’m not going to delete it). Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Now, I know that just the other day, I had said that I was going crazy about routine and I need something different. This is still true. I need some spontaneity in my life or I’ll go crazy. However, I’m fully aware that I spiral out of control if I don’t have routine and maybe it’s the routine that will actually get me to meet my goals.

I think, as of late, that the “no complaining” rule might just be the hardest but it just means that I will have to try my hardest to walk away from situations that are not conducive to my overall happiness. I realize that I can try to pull out the good in whatever I’m going through and I’m going to try that.

So, let’s see how day one went:
1. Okay, so I complained this morning because I needed to get that off my chest and now I’m done. For now. I’m not saying that come June this won’t be the angriest blog you’ve ever seen but it’s supposed to make you a happier person so I’m willing to try it. My one good thing about today is that I had a great talk about the company’s future with my boss.
2. I did not spend any unnecessary money at all. Check.
3. Exercise was good to me today. I exercised for an hour and 20 minutes and felt so great after that.
4. Eat healthy – this is usually a decent accomplishment meant with great intentions but I will say that it was an ok try for the day.
5. Follow my strict routine for the day – this has been done.

So overall the day was good. I’m making weekend plans to go see my family (for about 24 hours) and still be back in time to do a little work and maybe a bit of indulgence Saturday night. I came up with this challenge and instead of having friends join in and somehow getting derailed by their lack of interest I’m doing this by myself and I’m only sharing it with you.

I tend to find that the more people I tell about something the greater the risk of failure is. Strange but true. I’m sure there’s some form of therapy that I need to go to so I can find out how to deal with that but until then I just recognize my patterns and will stop with my bad behavior.

The only real issue that I can see hindering my progress this month is my Sunday’s. Before I start to complain about that there’s a reason that I’m writing about it first. There was once a time in THE friend and mine’s friendship that we had fun. There were no expectations and I didn’t leave each and every single time feeling like crap. I need to get back there. Why do I say that I do? Because he is a rock and I’m not referring to the strength in him. (I’m also not saying he’s strong). But what I am referring to is that he is not going to change. Out of the two of us, the only one who’s ever changed is me. He has stayed the exact same.

Some moments with us are still fun and endearing and some are trying and brutal. The later ones are the ones that I need to just walk away from and release my attachment to any form of change in him. If he chooses to not see my value in being a friend or whatever then that’s on him. He will hold the regret or guilt of that later in life. I’ve talked about karma way too much to not believe that his actions won’t come back to him in some form or another.

But, with all that being said, I will become stronger in this ‘friendship’ and my opinions will no longer be subdued by his “possible” feelings. I will no longer be the door mat that I feel he has made me into. Lastly, and this will sound strange, but I will find those emotions that made me fall in love with him in the first place again.

I’ve grown a lot since the days that I first realize where I wanted his place in my life to be and I feel like I can handle them with grace, patience and understanding. That is a place where I’ve grown the most in my life and I choose to practice what I’ve learned. I still love him vastly and unconditionally. I still pray for him and for God to do what he feels is right for both of us, in this friendship. No matter what the out come is. Hopefully, I’ll bring back some of the greatness that this whole thing started with. That is my wish.

In summation, this month is about me getting better. I’m happy about that. I’m also happy that this is something to focus on that’s not work, or a friendship or my future with whoever. I’m happy to be able to work on myself and bring myself to a better place than where I’ve been.

Wanna join me in the challenge? What would your five things be?

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Weekend expectations on my drive home… A story about worry.

The traffic has never been as bad as it has been since the floods. “Detour routes” is what they’re calling it. There’s still parts of the city that are impassable. The detoured routes happen to be right where I live so my 3 mile drive home from work has taken anywhere from 30 minutes to, like today, an hour and 45 minutes.

After work today, before I realized that my route home would equate to the reading time of War and Peace, I started on my drive. Providing I’m not rushing to get anywhere else it’s usually a calm drive.  I have my music and just a little bit of peace as I keep my phone on mute and sing along to whatever comes on. Today, however, a song came on that I couldn’t stand and I decided to turn off the radio completely. There I was sitting behind three accidents without any exit in sight with nothing but the quiet hum of my car.

I have been reading about different types of meditation to find one that’s a bit easier for me. I’m not so good at regular meditation so I did this thing where you actually train your brain to “chase away” thoughts and it’s a long winded explanation but it actually worked for a moment. So, there I was without a thought at all and my mind felt so empty and light. This was a feeling that I haven’t felt for a very long time. It was a peaceful, tranquil moment and in that very moment, when I didn’t think of anything, I felt happy. I wasn’t trying to be happy. I wasn’t doing something that made me happy. I was just happy in that moment because I wasn’t thinking about anything or anyone. For that instance, there was no deadline, contract, or proposal that had to be done. I wasn’t thinking about getting my steps in through exercise or what I needed on a grocery list or the stack of dishes that had been there for a week.

So my obvious summation of that moment was that I needed to practice some sort of meditation or request some amnesia inducing blunt force trauma soon. I realize that being in a peaceful place in my head is something that I’m not sure I’ve ever really felt. I grew up way too fast and had way too many things to think about from a young age which is partial why the appeal of drugs was so vast. Even my first true love, music, can sometimes betray me. I find myself listening to a lyric or ten and realizing that those words were ripped out of my own head or heart and for a brief moment I feel vulnerable or violated until I realize that there’s some sort of sick sadistic comfort in knowing that someone else has felt that type of pain.

But I know that silence is something that I don’t hear much and not just symbolically in my head but in reality. While I’m at work, there’s the clicking of keyboards, ringing of phones and the faint sounds of everyone else’s music co-mingled with mine. On any one of my many drives to no where of importance there’s the sound of my music or the teeth gritting noises of traffic, construction or emergency vehicles. When I’m at home there’s a grotesque sound that comes from my fridge, the background noise of the TV, upstairs neighbor or people chatting outside. While I’m in bed there’s the sounds of a beautifully hypnotic thunderstorm that is supposed to induce my sleep. Never is there nothing.

This might be why, on some of my more elaborate running away day dreams, I dream of a far off forest where I just pitch a tent and sleep under the stars far off from the noises of a city life. But, to this day, it’s just a day dream never having come to fruition. Peace… Peace of mind, heart, soul and sounds is what I am craving right now. This is why they say, “Ignorance is bliss”. If you’re ignorant to most everything then you have nothing to worry about. Me, on the other hand, worries every day. I worry about work, family, my future, my friends, my place in all of this.

My peacefulness in my drive tonight only lasted a moment, until I was ready to come back to reality. Since my reality is worrying about everything I suppose I had some catch up to do. I worry about my job. Works crazy and we’re about to go through something very big in the company and I’m worried about the other employees. I worried about my family and what we are going to do about my mothers birthday and since it’s on the same day as mother’s day it’s especially hard to come up with something new and different every year. I worry about my health because I worry about everything else so much it’s usually the last thing on my mind. I worry about friendships and the future… It’s amazing what you can worry about in such a short amount of time, if given the chance.

Being that I’m a control freak, it’s hard to just “let go and let God”. Truth is, I still don’t think he listens to me or if he does then there’s parts of my life that are for His soul purpose of making me a punch line. Okay, maybe I don’t actually believe that but this is not where I would have put myself 20 years ago.

One more thing that made me happy though is the chance for more rain this weekend. I know that sounds selfish considering there’s so much water everywhere round here but rain and thunderstorms has always given me an excuse to stay home and be sort of a bum. There’s speculation that Saturday and Sunday will bring floods again and this time I’ll probably be entertaining myself through the storms, unlike last time. I haven’t heard from my friend and not even sure he was bothered by my sleep retreat last Sunday or if he even noticed. I, of course, worried about that friendship too on my drive home. I worried that his attention span or his patience will get the best of him and he’ll find something new to do on Sunday’s now. But because I’ve thrown up my hands in defeat I’m not sure that his absence will destroy me like it has in the past. I’ve decided that whatever happens is what’s meant to happen. I’ve done all I can with us. I’ve been patience, nice, kind, loving and understanding. I think I’m just exhausted at giving a shit anymore which has always been a one way street.

We shall see what this weekend has to offer though. What I’m expecting or actually hoping for is an early rise on Saturday with coffee and then to just bundle up on the couch and watch a list of documentaries that I saw of flipboard. I’m expecting to come in and out of a sleep induced coma all day and maybe, just maybe, get a small bit for work done. I might even choose to turn off my phone starting Friday night till Monday morning. Possibly indulge in a bit of wine. I don’t know but so far, none of the requests to “do something” this weekend have filled me with near as much happy as the moment that I thought of absolutely nothing today.

Today’s drive was a blissful piece of happy that I needed. Sometimes, silence really is golden.

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