Making myself better challenge… Day 24 (Wednesday)

1. One good thing: My workout tonight was the best part of my day.

2. Spending: No spending on useless things today.

3. Exercise: Yes, at an hour and 1 minute and you bet you ass I’m going to count that 1 minute.

4. Eat healthy: Yes.

5. Routine: Yes. This is a preemptive yes right now.

I’m already thinking of my next “Challenge” for June. I’m thinking of maybe volunteering somewhere new, taking a new class or doing one thing that I’ve never done before. I’m not sure yet. If you have any ideas please send them to me. I’ll probably keep the healthy stuff around but I’ve been able to accumulate some extra cash and therefore want to focus on something fun.

Maybe finding something enjoyable is what I need to distract me from the things that aren’t going to right in my life. You remember my five pillars of life? Family, finance, friends, career and love. Well lets take some stock… Family is mediocre. Finance is good. Friends are great. Career is good. Love is non-existent. 😦 It doesn’t have to be but it is.

I could, like so many others get back on Tinder but I really only used it to pass the time. I’d get these guys that were just into hooking up and I’d practice my dirty talk then when they got too stalker-ish I’d block them. It was entertaining for about five minutes but it’s a desperation app for the classless people, in my opinion.

Meh, instead I will just continue to focus on myself and offer to everyone else great dating or relationships advice because, well, I don’t need it. Yes, I’m sounding a bit negative about the situation and it’s mainly just because I’m exhausted. Wondering what I should do, how I should be, who should I be with. I should just stop looking or caring but that seems impossible at times. I just don’t want it to be so exhausting anymore. That’s all.

This whole time I’ve been texting with my BFF some really great advice. I guess those who don’t date teach right? It’s not that I can’t date it’s that it’s just not that appealing to go out and find someone new who I don’t feel an automatic connection too and waste their time. So my options at this very moment are, date the ex, date a new guy, bitch and moan because the only one I WANT to be with is too interested in flirting with the rest of the city or just do me for a while and say screw everyone else? Right now, my BFF and I are talking about moving to another country because neither of us really have a reason to stay here. Maybe it is time for a total change of everything. I’m keeping that thought in the back of my mind to use when I really need it which feels like it might come very soon.

I haven’t really had a bad day but it has been very thought provoking. Maybe it’s time to consult the stars again… Just kidding they have lied so much to me about what my future is supposed to hold that it’s become a joke. I think I’m gonna go for another walk now to clear my head, maybe wish upon a star and get lost in some music instead of my own thoughts.

Nite x

shootstar1PM1

Advertisements

Making myself better challenge… Day 21 (Sunday)

1. One good thing: THE friend was still here all day.

2. Spending: I splurged on dinner again but well worth it.

3. Exercise: No 😦

4. Eat healthy: no. 😦

5. Routine: nope. Yes.

THE friend came over late Wednesday night to watch shows. I was a bit annoyed that it became so late assuming that he’d be leaving that night but he stayed. He actually stayed through Monday but because I’ve not been great at posting these every day it’s now Monday and I’m writing about Sunday. Actually I’m writing about the whole weekend because it’s a bit hard to write about someone when they’re sitting two feet from you. Plus he contorts my thinking.

I’d decided to not give him shit about coming so late because he’s been trying to hard and the last thing he needs is a nagger. I also realized that it was my “emotions” that we wouldn’t get to spend more time together than the actual time he showed up. So, keeping my feelings in check we enjoyed so shows together and I went to bed. That’s seems like ages ago now.

Friday, he does a thing with friends so I assumed he’d be gone when I got home but he wasn’t. There’s always this weird junior high like feeling I get when I come home and see his car here but then have to check myself and say, “He’s probably leaving when I get there so… don’t like it too much”. With that though blaring in my head I came in and went straight to my bed in hopes of getting in my Friday afternoon nap before going to meet the ex. We’d planned for Friday night so my big plan was nap, shower, paint my face pretty and go see where the night took us. I had that thought but with a disclaimer that if something came up then it wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, something came up, or better said, someone else was more important.

I couldn’t fall asleep at all so I finally came out and he made a reference to playing a game which I was so super excited about. I really like to play games but knowing that he wasn’t that into it I tried to hide my excitement. We played for a couple hours until he just couldn’t do it anymore, not physically. I could tell he was just not that into it but he tried so that was good enough for me.

We watched some TV and acted like immature children for a while then started to both fall asleep on the couch. Strangely his face was butt level to me and yet completely comfortable in that position. Occasionally he would poke me in the butt for fun and I just internally rolled my eyes knowing that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing to me.

Saturday I woke up earlier than him and had my coffee and granola shake that was left in the bag for me in my room trying not to wake him up. Then, something happened. This is the weird part for me because while it was only a few days ago, I don’t really remember just how we got there. The next image I have is of him cleaning, like deep deep cleaning my kitchen. There were parts in that kitchen that hadn’t seen light since they were probably manufactured that came out for a good spray and wash. I was enamored, confused and awkward.

I was enamored by him and the way that he meticulously cleaned every single thing. I was enamored by the fact that even his yelling at me for not cleaning was out of his weird way of saying that I deserve better than living like that. I was enamored by his absolutely attention to detail where it was never his responsibility to do a thing.

I was confused because he’d been lying on the couch for so long and yet found the energy to combat all the dust in my home. I was confused that it was never an issue that he’s picked up my dirty underwear and I felt absolutely comfortable about that. I was confused that he at his dirtiest moments, while he was sweaty and not showered and he was in the throws of demolishing any and all dirt in my home that I could look at him and think that he’s probably the most beautiful man, soul that I know. It had nothing to do with appearance or a smooth chest or anything else. It was just him, in that very moment, which was probably followed by some blatant comment about some truth I didn’t need to hear but I have chosen to forget that part.

I was awkward because I felt like he shouldn’t be doing it alone but knew that he has a way that’s my way would obviously not have been good enough for. I was awkward because I was realizing that these are just more traits to check off in the man I want and NEED in my life. I was awkward because what I wanted to do was walk over and kiss him but knew that’s not and never been what it was about.

He shared things all weekend and I got lost in his stories or his knowledge but it probably appeared to him that I wasn’t listen or that I was checked out but I hear every word he says, including the ones that are said in his sleep and the ones that are mumbled under his breath and finally the passive aggressive things that shouldn’t be coming out of HIS mouth.

He mumbles things in his sleep that are too good to be true. They confuse the situation and I have to forget that I heard any of these things. It’s unfair that his subconscious mind is more on my level than his conscious mind. It’s also frustrating. But because those things are not said out loud, I try to pay no attention to them at all.

Lastly, about this weekend, he did one more thing that just… Well, I don’t even know how I feel about this. A while ago I’d written a post about how I wanted someone to have their own tooth brush. I have one of those electric interchangeable one’s and I’ve never felt the need to WANT to let a man have their own. He’d asked if he could and I immediately thought about that post and the fact that all the things on my list are getting checked off by this man that we have everything going for us except the sexual chemistry. That’s the part that leads me to need a man in my life.

And now we’re back to my ex. So, I’d made up some excuse about why we couldn’t meet on Friday, then Saturday and by Sunday he was telling me that he had purchased two plane tickets to Virginia so we could go see the Edgar Allen Poe museum. The sad thing there is that the first thing to come to mind was, “Oh, I can get laid. That would be awesome”. But I realized, yet again, that I’d rather spend time with THE friend on his worst day than with the ex on his best day.

I know THE friend doesn’t do these favors of labor with any intent rather than to thank me for things I’ve done. There’s no underlying tone in his actions and there’s no “read between the line girl speak” happening here. I get where we are and where we aren’t but it doesn’t change the fact that, if given the chance, THE friend and I would be in a relationship when we’re together and he’d get all the benefits that every other man that I’ve been with had wanted plus he’d get something that understands him, tries to pamper him with what he needs or wants and someone that wouldn’t leave his side on his worst days. He’d get someone that was devoted to him, loyal and that would try, with every last breath to help him finish his dream to start his life. He’d get someone that would give up the flirting, the other men in her life and would treat him like a king (however, I’d still be a princess) 🙂

I don’t HAVE to be here. I know that. I WANT to be here or better, there. I WANT to be in that place with him where I start my day out trying to be better for both of us and getting healthy, quitting smoking, learning new things. I’d love to be that couple where I’d get to surprise him with a holiday trip to Spain to see his parents. I’d love to be in a couple with him where he’d be on my insurance so I wouldn’t have to worry about something happening to him. But, as friends, we are not there and will not be. That’s where my brain has to stop my heart from going overboard.

We won’t always have weekends like this and I appreciate it even more because of that fact. He could decide tomorrow that he’s ready to leave this town and I could decide tomorrow that I’m tired of waiting for a future that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen. I could turn around and say “Yes!” to my ex because I’m done with false hope and realize that maybe, just maybe he’s the one that will give me the intimacy that I am such in need of. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll walk out tomorrow and get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, I had a great time with THE friend over the course of the last few days. I realize that I would be fine if he moved in and never left. But seriously, if he wasn’t willing to do anything intimate I’d have to ask him to leave for at least 30 minutes every single day. 🙂 I wish we could spend more “weekends” together like that, not so much the cleaning, but just spending time together.

It scares the shit out of me to know just how much I love his stupid ass. I know that I can not compromise my future for a wish or a dream. It sucks to know that he holds my happiness a lot and he’s never even asked for it. I’m sure that’s way too much responsibility to give someone out loud which is why I choose to stay silent even when my heart is screaming.

I overcompensated my emotional self today by being extra bitchy at work which just shows me that I probably needed a hug at some point. There are these moments when we’ll be lying next to each other or sitting and he’ll touch my foot, knee or something and just hold it there. What would seem like a scolding, unwanted action by anyone else just seems to be too short of an intimate action from him. These are still just new thoughts and feelings for me.

Lastly, there was a moment when he closed the patio door and I’d asked him to lock it. He declined and said that if anyone wanted to “get to me or hurt me” then they have to go through him first. It was the first time I’ve ever looked at a man and actually felt comforted by that line. I probably rolled my eyes and said something snarky but felt as though the world should stop spinning in that very moment because it was beautiful even if it was made in jest.

I’d have to say that this weekend, I wasn’t mad at God for bringing THE friend back in to my life one single second but then quickly had to remind myself that he’s not mine to keep, to hold or to be mine in any capacity. I won’t have a choice but to let him go one day. After all, it’s probably not the best dating line to say, “Yes, I’m single but I have a friend that is allowed to do whatever, whenever he wants but when he’s busy, I’m all yours”.

I’m in love with a loveless man that is the most beautiful person I know, right now, in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I’d totally ok with it all.

Good night. x

03adb89c15ccb939f3f37c49047fd81b

76122cd833acf5343b71781233a8297a

tumblr_nfrxa3xIdn1sn9t5zo1_1280

Unrequited-love-poems-5-300x300

unrequited-love-quotes-in-spanish

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 16.

1. No complaining. I’m changing this to just finding one thing about today was the best part.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. My one good thing today was talking to my BFF for about two hours.
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and five minutes.
4. Eat healthy – Check however I did eat a cookie but I’m ok with that. It was just one.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

Today, I’m in a bit of a strange mood. I was perfectly fine after work but then I talked with my BFF about what’s going on in her life. I feel bad that I can’t fix the bad parts for her. I guess if I’m not perfect I’ll try my hardest to fix everyone else around me. I know I can’t do that either.

Some days I feel like Dorthy who needs to take all my friends to the wizard to get “fixed”. I’d take my BFF to get healthy. I’d take my GBF to get a normal relationship of equal love and care. Lastly, I’d take THE friend to get courage. I’m not sure what I’d ask for… love, a soulmate, maybe nothing. Right now the only thing that I want is a rainy day, someone to cuddle with and someone that asks me how my day was and actually wants me to answer that.

Actually, I think right now, I just want a secret relationship. My friends would probably say that I have those a lot but I haven’t had one in a while. I want to be with someone that’s with me when they’re with me and when we’re not it doesn’t matter. What we’d have is just ours for those moments we’re together. Why is that so intriguing to me? I do love my secrets. There’s some sort of intimacy about something being between just two people and no one else knowing… I like that. Call me crazy.

So I guess that’s what I’d ask for from the wizard right now. That would bring me some happiness. What would you ask for? Where would your yellow brick road lead you?

19f4bf136b92aea6e660f97548b989d6

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 15 and a talk about flirting.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My good thing about today was dinner. Of course I’ll tell you about it.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 56 minutes plus 10 more at work.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

I could tell that my GBF was getting upset with me because I kept skipping out on plans so I agreed to meet him and his sister for dinner at our usual. This would be the place where the waiter slipped me his number a few weeks ago. This was actually a blast tonight because the same waiter was half hungover and half still drunk. So, I commenced to harmless flirtation all night.

I’ve learned that you have to gauge your audience. What are they into? Do they want to hear innocent flirting, raunchy flirting or a bit of both? This guy wanted a bit of both with my usual, “You’re not going to have me anyway” speak. By the end of the night, not only did I get my meal paid for but all the wait staff including the manager was at our table. These are fun nights to have.

You see, being around “boiler room/wall street” sales men gives you an idea as to what men want. Well, what those men want and it’s easy to spot them. They are the narcissistic, entitled a-holes that have usually never had a woman say no to them. That’s pretty much the only reason that I keep their attention is because I like to say no to them. But they’re also the same type of guy that once they’ve had you, they don’t need you. This is why I’ve never fallen for one of them or ever said yes.

They’re also the same type of guy that, at the end of the day, don’t really care what your name is, what you do nor any thought in your head so the only way to keep them “interested” is to play their game. Except, they don’t win which drives them crazy. It’s fun and I’m good at it as long as I don’t really care about them. I can flirt like crazy. It’s not really a skill you can put on a resume but that’s not really what it’s about. And while I’m good at it with people I don’t care about, I’m absolutely horrible when it comes to actually caring about someone and flirting because they it just seems all awkward like someone in junior high. I’m hopeless.

Tonight it was just about some innocent fun. I put on some cute heels and just appreciated it and I realized that it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten drunk and made some really bad decisions… Maybe that’s what I’m in need of. Maybe I just really need one drunken night with some really bad decisions and that will fulfill me for a while. I just need some man to play around with. The waiter would be a good choice except something tells me while he’s very attractive, he probably has a really hairy chest. Have I told you how NOT a fan of that I am?

I have no idea what I need. For now I’m just prayer for God to do whatever he feels is the best thing for me. We shall see what that is. It’s usually never what you think it should be.

I’m off to finish my routine pantless and to go to bed, alone. Hope you’re having a great week.

flirting_old_photo_600x369

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 13 (Saturday) And a Thank You for seven years as a blogger.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My one good thing is that most of the day I spent pantless.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – No rest day.
4. Eat healthy – Not really but I kind of miss not eating healthy now when I don’t.
5. Follow a routine – no. It’s still the weekend.

Today has been a weird day. One that was supposed to be spend relaxing and waxing and coloring and such but it became a bit more than that. It became a day of conversations and remembering. I guess it needed to happen a bit.

This all started on Friday. We were chatting at work about different things and of course relationships made the course schedule. My ex was talking about how there was a lot of being my boyfriend that he really liked. Again, this type of thing is weird to hear years and years later but in his list were things like; I wasn’t needy. I didn’t blow his phone up. I didn’t try to change him. I let him pick what he wanted to do (most of the time). He knew when I was being nice or kind that it was genuine. I’d let him pick which ever side of the bed he wanted. I never complained when he left the seat up. I didn’t “bitch and moan” and if I did have a complaint it was probably valid.

These are all great things to hear. I was an awesome girlfriend. We had a great three years together and are better friends now than we ever were anything else. But with all the good things did come some complaints about me as well because you can’t have any of the good without the bad too. These came in the same sort of list; I was never jealous. (I actually probably was a bit I just realized that those were my own insecurities and tried to not bleed them out on him.) I didn’t communicate as much as he wanted. (Seriously a guy WANTS to you talk more. That’s a change.) I seemed to check out a lot. (I still do.) I never wanted him to meet my family, although he did through some weird universal incidents. I never said the “L” word to him. That’s true.

I’m not sure this list did anything but reminded me of what to do that’s different the next time around. I mean, aren’t relationships usually the better opportunities than the ones before? Or shouldn’t they be? I did love him but those words haven’t passed my lips but to one man and they were sort of screamed at the time. Yep, THE friend is the only one that I’ve said, well, I said “I’m IN love with you”. I’ve never verbally said “I love you”. At this place that we’re in right now I’m not sure it matters much to him if I do or not.

But some of that conversation spilled into my day today. I haven’t talked with my BFF in length in a while and my GBF is getting upset with me. Works driving me insane but it’s probably just being used as a distraction anyway. Life doesn’t suck right now but it’s mundane. I said this the other day, there’s no passion in it. I want something different, something fun, something that’s not been there for a long time. I just don’t know what that is.

Instead of worrying what the next thing is, I’m going to say up a bit later (it’s already 2 am), watch so weird show I just found and sleep. Hopefully, I won’t fall asleep on the couch like I did last night. I’ll wake up, exercise, have brunch with some friends. Come home and clean a bit and wait to see if THE friend will come over. I feel like he might have found something else to do instead which is fine. If he does show up then we’ll have a fun time but I’m not expecting anything. Sometimes the best things happen when you don’t expect a thing.

On a different note though, today is my 7 year anniversary on wordpress. I’ve been writing this blog for 7 years now except I’ve gotten frustrated a few times and deleted a lot of posts. I’m wondering if I regret that now. It would be weird to see some of those posts. Keep in mind that THE friend wasn’t there for the first 4 years that I had it. It’s been fun though and I’ve met some great people on here so I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s read this weirdness that is my life. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

941901b058f0f9033c9f3792411f67c1

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

music-expresses-that-which-cannot-be-said-and-on-which-it-is-impossible-to-be-silent-music-quote.png

0553f0499b0badfb5b0f439a79eb0b10

Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 7

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome (Sunday):

  1. No complaining – Not checked. Pretty sure I complained about stuff today but I’ll discuss this more later after today’s posts.
  2. No spending money – Check. I didn’t not spend anything that I wasn’t supposed to.
  3. Exercise – Nope. Another of my rest days. Thankfully.
  4. Eat healthy – Nope. Which is ok because I get to splurge a bit on my weekends especially since my weekdays are doing so well.
  5. Follow a strict routine – Half check. I didn’t make my breakfast which I should have but Sundays are a bit tricky. We’ll have to see how I can make them better.

I will have more to say later today but wanted to play catch up. I’ll leave you with my thoughts today, about yesterday, in quotes.

Instead-of-telling-yourself-300x245