Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 15 and a talk about flirting.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My good thing about today was dinner. Of course I’ll tell you about it.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 56 minutes plus 10 more at work.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

I could tell that my GBF was getting upset with me because I kept skipping out on plans so I agreed to meet him and his sister for dinner at our usual. This would be the place where the waiter slipped me his number a few weeks ago. This was actually a blast tonight because the same waiter was half hungover and half still drunk. So, I commenced to harmless flirtation all night.

I’ve learned that you have to gauge your audience. What are they into? Do they want to hear innocent flirting, raunchy flirting or a bit of both? This guy wanted a bit of both with my usual, “You’re not going to have me anyway” speak. By the end of the night, not only did I get my meal paid for but all the wait staff including the manager was at our table. These are fun nights to have.

You see, being around “boiler room/wall street” sales men gives you an idea as to what men want. Well, what those men want and it’s easy to spot them. They are the narcissistic, entitled a-holes that have usually never had a woman say no to them. That’s pretty much the only reason that I keep their attention is because I like to say no to them. But they’re also the same type of guy that once they’ve had you, they don’t need you. This is why I’ve never fallen for one of them or ever said yes.

They’re also the same type of guy that, at the end of the day, don’t really care what your name is, what you do nor any thought in your head so the only way to keep them “interested” is to play their game. Except, they don’t win which drives them crazy. It’s fun and I’m good at it as long as I don’t really care about them. I can flirt like crazy. It’s not really a skill you can put on a resume but that’s not really what it’s about. And while I’m good at it with people I don’t care about, I’m absolutely horrible when it comes to actually caring about someone and flirting because they it just seems all awkward like someone in junior high. I’m hopeless.

Tonight it was just about some innocent fun. I put on some cute heels and just appreciated it and I realized that it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten drunk and made some really bad decisions… Maybe that’s what I’m in need of. Maybe I just really need one drunken night with some really bad decisions and that will fulfill me for a while. I just need some man to play around with. The waiter would be a good choice except something tells me while he’s very attractive, he probably has a really hairy chest. Have I told you how NOT a fan of that I am?

I have no idea what I need. For now I’m just prayer for God to do whatever he feels is the best thing for me. We shall see what that is. It’s usually never what you think it should be.

I’m off to finish my routine pantless and to go to bed, alone. Hope you’re having a great week.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 4 and today’s events.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. No complaining – I’m not going to give this to myself because my thoughts of today will probably be tied with a few complaints. We’ll see
2. No spending – Check. I do have to get my mom something for mother’s day and her birthday but that’s not really unnecessary.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 42 minutes which is more than yesterday but I think I’m still pushing myself more than I should.
4. Eat healthy – Check. Even, again, with lunch bought for me I chose wisely.
5. Follow a strict routine – half check. I’m taking a point away because I didn’t finish my routine last night which left me without breakfast this morning. Luckily I keep healthy snacks there.

My day started off busy. I mean, the company is going through some drastic changes and there’s so much that I have to do so I am power ready for all those things. I wasn’t ready for the rest of what today threw at me though. My boss came in this morning and was just upset and angry and he’d been bombarded by angry text messages from his girlfriend. You remember? The one I befriended so that I could help both of them out? So he hands me his phone and wants me to read every single text message that was sent back and forth. If you thought that the new Superman movie was long, you’d have almost wished for it after reading every single one of those texts.

By the end of it all though, and I hate to say this, he did nothing wrong. She kind of went batshit crazy on him. So, this lead to three phone calls through out the day from him asking my opinion, several emails, and even more text messages. At one point all I could think was, “You do know that each time I have to respond to you I’m not really focused on my own job right?” But instead I just placated him because he was in serious need of someone to do that for him. Even now, being at home, he’s still asking for my opinion. I appreciate the friendship that he and I have but he is going to drive himself crazy… Pot calling the kettle black there huh?

During all of this I received a request from one of my employees asking for his pay-stubs. I told him that I was just being noisy and he absolutely didn’t have to tell me what they were for but I did ask why. He’d said he was about to get a loan because he and his wife were in some financial difficulties. Pretty typical thing these days except he’s about to be let go. For the sake of business and what I’m “allowed” to say, I hold absolutely no responsibility to advise him of this what-so-ever. But since I’m not entirely a heartless bitch I gave him my opinion without telling him why and asked that the owner talk to him tomorrow before he goes through with it. Legally, I’m not supposed to have said anything but our company really has been a different set of “family” for years now and I am a compassionate person. This was hard for me.

So, in between work being crazy, the boss going through emotional turmoil and the employee about to make a mistake I received a text message from THE friend with some great news. He got this job that could turn out to be something really special. My first reaction was to tell him that I am proud of him but I’m not sure how he’d take that. I am seriously happy for him though. Of course, my mind slowly wandered to a negative space about this. I started thinking things like, “Well, we’re about to see each other a whole lot less now”, “I wonder how far down the list of people he told that I was”  and “I guess he won’t need me for things now”. It even went to, “Well, now there will be a whole new dating pool that just opened up for him and I’m sure I’ll be replaceable”.

Soon after all those thoughts rushed in my head though, I stopped. I literally said in my head, “Stop thinking about everything but what’s happening right now. Right now you are so happy for him and that’s it. All the rest will turn out like it’s supposed to.” And you know what? I stopped. I realize that I don’t have the gift of fortune telling, I don’t know what’s going to happen and it doesn’t matter right now in this very moment. In this very moment I am proud of him and it was a highlight to my day.

The lowest point, however, was when I realized that I couldn’t drive to see my family this weekend and that I would have to text my brother and let him know. Why is that stressful? Well, seeing my family is stressful first-off. They have no plans. They make no plans what-so-ever and half the time, even when I say I’ll be arriving at a certain time, they’re not there. But also it would have been a 24 hour trip which most of that time would be spent in a car driving there or sleeping. Anyway, I just realized that with all this stuff I’ve had to do lately and how stressed everything is right now I can’t do that to myself as well.

There’s also another part of this too. My parents come to my town once a month for doctors visits for my dad. I have not seen them since December. They don’t let me know they’re in town. We don’t communicate and I’m not sure that I feel the need to stress myself out when the return has not been done for me. I suppose that’s a bit spiteful and I realize that I should be more mature than that but with all that piled on of everything else, I just made the best decision for me. I’ve said this more than once, my friends are my family and there’s a saying out there that goes, “Friends are God’s apology for family”. I’ve been able to make a great family through the years and I’m happy with that.

So, there’s a ton of work to be done after I finish this post up and once I put on my spectacles I will check out of all other issues in my life or that’s around me and just focus on the task at hand. I can’t wait for some breathing room this weekend. What I’d like to do is just sit in a pool for hours until I get prune like and not think about a thing for a day or two. That really sounds like a plan so far.

Now, off to work.

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May’s ‘Make Myself Better’ Challenge… Day One. (Yesterday doesn’t count) :-)

Well, it’s a day late and I’ve already forgone one of the criteria for this months challenge but I’ve decided to do this challenge myself. I realized that I stopped filling up my “jar challenge” but not because I forgot because I didn’t have any great things to put in there that I wanted to remember. I need to change that. So I’m starting a Make Myself Better Challenge today. This is my criteria:
1. No complaining – (I realize that I already broke this after my earlier post but I’m not going to delete it). Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Now, I know that just the other day, I had said that I was going crazy about routine and I need something different. This is still true. I need some spontaneity in my life or I’ll go crazy. However, I’m fully aware that I spiral out of control if I don’t have routine and maybe it’s the routine that will actually get me to meet my goals.

I think, as of late, that the “no complaining” rule might just be the hardest but it just means that I will have to try my hardest to walk away from situations that are not conducive to my overall happiness. I realize that I can try to pull out the good in whatever I’m going through and I’m going to try that.

So, let’s see how day one went:
1. Okay, so I complained this morning because I needed to get that off my chest and now I’m done. For now. I’m not saying that come June this won’t be the angriest blog you’ve ever seen but it’s supposed to make you a happier person so I’m willing to try it. My one good thing about today is that I had a great talk about the company’s future with my boss.
2. I did not spend any unnecessary money at all. Check.
3. Exercise was good to me today. I exercised for an hour and 20 minutes and felt so great after that.
4. Eat healthy – this is usually a decent accomplishment meant with great intentions but I will say that it was an ok try for the day.
5. Follow my strict routine for the day – this has been done.

So overall the day was good. I’m making weekend plans to go see my family (for about 24 hours) and still be back in time to do a little work and maybe a bit of indulgence Saturday night. I came up with this challenge and instead of having friends join in and somehow getting derailed by their lack of interest I’m doing this by myself and I’m only sharing it with you.

I tend to find that the more people I tell about something the greater the risk of failure is. Strange but true. I’m sure there’s some form of therapy that I need to go to so I can find out how to deal with that but until then I just recognize my patterns and will stop with my bad behavior.

The only real issue that I can see hindering my progress this month is my Sunday’s. Before I start to complain about that there’s a reason that I’m writing about it first. There was once a time in THE friend and mine’s friendship that we had fun. There were no expectations and I didn’t leave each and every single time feeling like crap. I need to get back there. Why do I say that I do? Because he is a rock and I’m not referring to the strength in him. (I’m also not saying he’s strong). But what I am referring to is that he is not going to change. Out of the two of us, the only one who’s ever changed is me. He has stayed the exact same.

Some moments with us are still fun and endearing and some are trying and brutal. The later ones are the ones that I need to just walk away from and release my attachment to any form of change in him. If he chooses to not see my value in being a friend or whatever then that’s on him. He will hold the regret or guilt of that later in life. I’ve talked about karma way too much to not believe that his actions won’t come back to him in some form or another.

But, with all that being said, I will become stronger in this ‘friendship’ and my opinions will no longer be subdued by his “possible” feelings. I will no longer be the door mat that I feel he has made me into. Lastly, and this will sound strange, but I will find those emotions that made me fall in love with him in the first place again.

I’ve grown a lot since the days that I first realize where I wanted his place in my life to be and I feel like I can handle them with grace, patience and understanding. That is a place where I’ve grown the most in my life and I choose to practice what I’ve learned. I still love him vastly and unconditionally. I still pray for him and for God to do what he feels is right for both of us, in this friendship. No matter what the out come is. Hopefully, I’ll bring back some of the greatness that this whole thing started with. That is my wish.

In summation, this month is about me getting better. I’m happy about that. I’m also happy that this is something to focus on that’s not work, or a friendship or my future with whoever. I’m happy to be able to work on myself and bring myself to a better place than where I’ve been.

Wanna join me in the challenge? What would your five things be?

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Weekend expectations on my drive home… A story about worry.

The traffic has never been as bad as it has been since the floods. “Detour routes” is what they’re calling it. There’s still parts of the city that are impassable. The detoured routes happen to be right where I live so my 3 mile drive home from work has taken anywhere from 30 minutes to, like today, an hour and 45 minutes.

After work today, before I realized that my route home would equate to the reading time of War and Peace, I started on my drive. Providing I’m not rushing to get anywhere else it’s usually a calm drive.  I have my music and just a little bit of peace as I keep my phone on mute and sing along to whatever comes on. Today, however, a song came on that I couldn’t stand and I decided to turn off the radio completely. There I was sitting behind three accidents without any exit in sight with nothing but the quiet hum of my car.

I have been reading about different types of meditation to find one that’s a bit easier for me. I’m not so good at regular meditation so I did this thing where you actually train your brain to “chase away” thoughts and it’s a long winded explanation but it actually worked for a moment. So, there I was without a thought at all and my mind felt so empty and light. This was a feeling that I haven’t felt for a very long time. It was a peaceful, tranquil moment and in that very moment, when I didn’t think of anything, I felt happy. I wasn’t trying to be happy. I wasn’t doing something that made me happy. I was just happy in that moment because I wasn’t thinking about anything or anyone. For that instance, there was no deadline, contract, or proposal that had to be done. I wasn’t thinking about getting my steps in through exercise or what I needed on a grocery list or the stack of dishes that had been there for a week.

So my obvious summation of that moment was that I needed to practice some sort of meditation or request some amnesia inducing blunt force trauma soon. I realize that being in a peaceful place in my head is something that I’m not sure I’ve ever really felt. I grew up way too fast and had way too many things to think about from a young age which is partial why the appeal of drugs was so vast. Even my first true love, music, can sometimes betray me. I find myself listening to a lyric or ten and realizing that those words were ripped out of my own head or heart and for a brief moment I feel vulnerable or violated until I realize that there’s some sort of sick sadistic comfort in knowing that someone else has felt that type of pain.

But I know that silence is something that I don’t hear much and not just symbolically in my head but in reality. While I’m at work, there’s the clicking of keyboards, ringing of phones and the faint sounds of everyone else’s music co-mingled with mine. On any one of my many drives to no where of importance there’s the sound of my music or the teeth gritting noises of traffic, construction or emergency vehicles. When I’m at home there’s a grotesque sound that comes from my fridge, the background noise of the TV, upstairs neighbor or people chatting outside. While I’m in bed there’s the sounds of a beautifully hypnotic thunderstorm that is supposed to induce my sleep. Never is there nothing.

This might be why, on some of my more elaborate running away day dreams, I dream of a far off forest where I just pitch a tent and sleep under the stars far off from the noises of a city life. But, to this day, it’s just a day dream never having come to fruition. Peace… Peace of mind, heart, soul and sounds is what I am craving right now. This is why they say, “Ignorance is bliss”. If you’re ignorant to most everything then you have nothing to worry about. Me, on the other hand, worries every day. I worry about work, family, my future, my friends, my place in all of this.

My peacefulness in my drive tonight only lasted a moment, until I was ready to come back to reality. Since my reality is worrying about everything I suppose I had some catch up to do. I worry about my job. Works crazy and we’re about to go through something very big in the company and I’m worried about the other employees. I worried about my family and what we are going to do about my mothers birthday and since it’s on the same day as mother’s day it’s especially hard to come up with something new and different every year. I worry about my health because I worry about everything else so much it’s usually the last thing on my mind. I worry about friendships and the future… It’s amazing what you can worry about in such a short amount of time, if given the chance.

Being that I’m a control freak, it’s hard to just “let go and let God”. Truth is, I still don’t think he listens to me or if he does then there’s parts of my life that are for His soul purpose of making me a punch line. Okay, maybe I don’t actually believe that but this is not where I would have put myself 20 years ago.

One more thing that made me happy though is the chance for more rain this weekend. I know that sounds selfish considering there’s so much water everywhere round here but rain and thunderstorms has always given me an excuse to stay home and be sort of a bum. There’s speculation that Saturday and Sunday will bring floods again and this time I’ll probably be entertaining myself through the storms, unlike last time. I haven’t heard from my friend and not even sure he was bothered by my sleep retreat last Sunday or if he even noticed. I, of course, worried about that friendship too on my drive home. I worried that his attention span or his patience will get the best of him and he’ll find something new to do on Sunday’s now. But because I’ve thrown up my hands in defeat I’m not sure that his absence will destroy me like it has in the past. I’ve decided that whatever happens is what’s meant to happen. I’ve done all I can with us. I’ve been patience, nice, kind, loving and understanding. I think I’m just exhausted at giving a shit anymore which has always been a one way street.

We shall see what this weekend has to offer though. What I’m expecting or actually hoping for is an early rise on Saturday with coffee and then to just bundle up on the couch and watch a list of documentaries that I saw of flipboard. I’m expecting to come in and out of a sleep induced coma all day and maybe, just maybe, get a small bit for work done. I might even choose to turn off my phone starting Friday night till Monday morning. Possibly indulge in a bit of wine. I don’t know but so far, none of the requests to “do something” this weekend have filled me with near as much happy as the moment that I thought of absolutely nothing today.

Today’s drive was a blissful piece of happy that I needed. Sometimes, silence really is golden.

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Variety is the spice of life… and I am all out of spice.

My life is currently so routine that there is no spice left in it what-so-ever. We’ve all heard the phrase “Variety is the spice of life” right? I feel like the blandest dish, in the blandest restaurant, in the blandest town right now. Weekdays are as follows:
Wake up (hopefully)
Makeup/Dress
Grab breakfast
Work (fight with boss)
Home
Workout
Shower or bath
Chat
Write
Maybe dinner
Sleep

My weekends are the same bars, the same restaurants, the same clubs…. Just everything the same. I realize that my life gets chaotic when I don’t have some sort of routine but where is the spontaneity? Where is the surprise? Where is my spice? If I don’t do something new soon I’m going to run away so some far off land. This is getting ridiculous.

I was so bored working today that I decided to check out the process of getting “frozen popped” like my friend just did. I want a child anyway and if the right man isn’t going to just show up in my completely boring life then maybe my next step is to just make it happen. I checked out the cost, which (thankfully) wouldn’t be an issue. I checked out the process. Now, I realize that this decision wouldn’t be made out of boredom but rather the fact that this is a part of my life that I’m missing and I am at the point where I could make this possible.

So, as I’m thinking of all this today, I was thinking about the fact that I could just go to my ex and ask him to “donate” because he’d be more than willing to do this. He’s intelligent, very attractive and has good genes. Yes, he’s a bit crazy but in my opinion I think most people have a little crazy in them. The problem here is that while it would save me thousands of dollars, he’d want to be part of the child’s life. I can’t take that much of him so it wouldn’t be fair to ask him. I’ve said before that there’s not too many people that I can actually stand for long periods of time. That’s sad right?

Things in my life usually happen when they’re not expect and therefore me planning anything is just a waste of time. But I did finalize my thought about getting “frozen popped”. I’d decided that if I did get it from my ex and save that money then I’d go in with the boss’s millionaire friend and start a non-profit business. It all turned out perfect in my head until I realized that I didn’t actually want to have HIS kid. Wow, my brain goes crazy and wanders off in so many directions lately. Yet another by-product of being bored.

I did actually reach out to the ex the other day though. When we were dating he was mesmerized by Prince. He was his idol in some weird way. But a lot of my memories of us was sitting in the back of his car in the rain listening to Prince for hours. We’d make-out or he’d read to me or he’d just sit there with his head in my lap. We had such an age difference back then. Now, it doesn’t seem like anything but when you’re a kid it seemed like we should have been worlds apart but in those moments we were equal. I’ve said before that I was mesmerized by him as well. I never loved him but I was so intrigued by him. He looked like Johnny Depp from 21 Jumpstreet, had this long brown hair and was just a beautiful man. He was stunning to look at but I think I knew back then that my fascination with him would fade which it did.

For the longest time I never understood why he wanted to be with me. I was a kid but decades later he reveled that he thought I was the most mature, mysterious and fun person. He thought that I was smart and beautiful beyond my years and even though I was always ready to stand in the rain and get wet, even in a pretty gown he’d always thought I was a princess. Then he recalled our first kiss, which I didn’t remember until he shook my mind a bit.

He had dated my (at the time) best friends old sister. They hadn’t seen each other in years. My best friend, her sister and I were at a 24 cafe down the street from where we lived. He was there, sitting in the corner, reading. My instant reaction was that his looks almost took my breath away but then I was too ensconced into whatever silly thing we were doing at the time. The older sister and he started chatting and we had all decided to go back to her house. My best friend and I were chasing each other down the street at 2 am on a school night and he and the older sister were sitting on the porch watching us and smoking.

At around 4, I’d decided to venture back home. I started my walking route as it was just down the street but quietly behind me was his hatchback. When I stopped to ask him if he was lost he’d said no but he wanted to make sure that I got home safely and because I’d declined his offer to drive me home he was just going to follow me. This was way before the cell phone era and I wouldn’t have been able to send him a HS&S (home safe and sound) text, that I do to my friends now. I’d decided to just get in the car and let him drive me as it seemed less creepy that way. And so it started. We’d gotten to my house about 3 minutes later and just sat in the car and talked like I’d never talked with anyone before. Hours passed and I realized that my nemesis, the sun, would be up soon and I bid farewell to my new strange friend but just before I left the car he leaned in a kissed me like I’d never been kissed before.

I’d left the car that night with butterflies the size of large tigers in the pit of my stomach and that start a three year affair. For the next three years we saw each other every single day. He’d pick me up from work or school. He’d spend the night at my house. When the weekends came hours turned into days of being with each other and his strangeness just made me more intrigued by him. But then one day, on his birthday, he was sitting next to me in the back of our friends car and I looked at him looking at his own reflection in the car window and realized that I felt nothing. There was literally no emotion left. The next day became the first day that I would decline to spend time with him and days then turned to weeks which turned into years.

I’d thought about him in passing through the years but even with that beginning he never made the “love of my life” list because I never loved him and certainly was never in love with him. I feel weird to know that he still keeps a lock of my hair, still has all my cards and has written poetry about me over the years.

Love is a strange thing to me. It both pains and confuses me that we can’t choose who we fall in love with. This is also the view of someone who is completely self-diagnosed as an emotionally immature person. I have some great and wonderful spontaneous memories of our time together though and I get to cherish those. Unfortunately, for him, they will choose to stay memories and not a foreshadowing into a future which is why the better option is to fork out 10 grand on someone that I don’t knows “frozen matter” is the better decision. But who knows, maybe I’ll get drunk this weekend, go into the same bar or club or restaurant and go home with a one night stand that turns into an eighteen year commitment.

…and these are the thoughts of someone that can not get bored or they start to think weird and crazy things.

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The Unintentional Gift of Making People Cry… Again.

My initial disclaimer is that I have been drinking and on an empty stomach tonight. This was not my intention BUT I did have someone’s best interests in mind when I agreed to this. To fully understand this post you’ll need to be re-directed to another one… The Tale of Two Men… Basically this was the talk with my boss about the girlfriend that made him cry. Well, tonight (It’s actually 2:30 in the morning so I guess yesterday) was the day I met with the girlfriend.

Let me back track a bit. I’ve had very few exceptionally close friendships with females. I know, it’s shocking that my energy gravitates toward male energy for some reason but I encounter lots of females that want to be friends and I’ll do the friendly thing for a while but I know that there is only a certain type of energy that I can tolerate for long. I still have a female neighbor from ten years ago that calls only to receive my voicemail for years now. But with all that said, I wasn’t looking forward to tonight because I had a different image of who my boss’s girlfriend was. He has a tendency to paint people entirely different to serve his needs. I actually kind of looked at it as a “work job”.

Truth is, I actually enjoyed myself. We had a great conversation and there were things that came up from her that she’d never told anyone. I could tell that she’s never really had a real and true decent female friend in her life. So she talked mostly and I listened. Sometimes that’s all you have to do is listen to someone who feels taken for granted. But soon, the conversation moved quickly to the point as to why I was there. She assumed it was because I just wanted to have a drink and I knew it was more about some sort of therapy.

This part the drinking helped with a lot. She’d asked about my opinion and since my opinion has a lot to do with my situation with THE friend this meant I had to open up a lot but yet still being reserved. I started to share my story, explaining that not only did I understand her issues with my boss because he’s an asshole but also because THE friend is so much like him and we go through “shit” that’s similar.

She kept asking questions like “Does he do this?” My response, “Yes!”. This continued for about an hour. Her asking and me admitting to her and to myself that those two were so alike. Finally, and I knew it was coming, she asked the biggest question… “So why do you keep doing it? Why do you stay?” By this time I was really feeling the alcohol. I looked at her, in a completely sobering yet perplexing manner and said…

“Because I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”

Yep, that part made her tear. I did not do that on purpose and I didn’t do that to illicit any sort of reaction. It was the most honest and truthful answer that I felt, in my heart, at that moment. I realized in that very moment that this is what it all boils down to with THE friend and me and with my boss and his girlfriend. Difference is obviously those two are probably going to be together as a couple forever now. We, however, are not in the same boat. But still I had a very clear sober drunk moment, if that makes sense.

We talked about a whole lot more than just those two but I realized that information can be used for good or evil. Secrets can be used to good or evil. I could have sat their and probably convinced her (with my vast knowledge) to not leave, to not move away but I knew that it’s probably the best thing for her. At this point she needs time to breath and to live on her own for a while and to let him fix himself. When he’s ready to give up some control and when he’s shown he can grow I think she’ll be more than happy to come back and they can have their happily ever after but shit needs fixing!

That can not be said for my situation because there’s no option of a “happily ever after” with us and if I was to leave I’m not sure that it would matter near as much, if at all but not everything is the same between our situations so I’m aware of this. I think that when I said that one answer though it might have just made more sense to her than to anyone else in the world.

I enjoyed tonight and if my situation has helped in anyway then, again, it’s worth it. I was truthful to someone that I barely know and it was all to help someone who can’t understand or comprehend the blessing that God sent to him. Sometimes, all a girl needs is some appreciation that comes from the heart.

Hope you’re having a great weekend and your homework assignment for today is to show some appreciation for someone in your life that you “can’t life without” but don’t tell them as much as you should.

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