I came home tonight to find out that my TV service had some repair issues and my DVR was wiped out. Which strangely I don’t really care much about. But it was probably six months of crap on there. Some TV shows that I really wanted to watch but then thought, it’s only TV. Who gives a shit? This is true unless you’re someone who is going through a rough time and nothing that anyone suggests to do outside of your home feels like fun. It’s a go-to… It’s a way to stop thinking about your own troubles and think about someone else’s for a while.
The strange things you think about while watching live TV commercials right?
Here’s another piece of my history that I also thought of today which was symbolic of my DVR. I have no recollection of the entire early part of my life. I don’t remember my time in England. I don’t remember when we move here and I don’t remember much from being a young child. I tried to get hypnotized once but that didn’t work. I think that I fought it because I realized that there’s some pretty bad shit that’s happened to me that I can remember. How bad do things have to be to have forced them so far out of my memory?
With that same train of thought though how are you supposed to heal if you only know partially what you’re healing from? I guess it’s my paradox. Would you want to remember? Who you do anything you could to get all those memories back because you’ve blocked out the good with the bad?
I tend to blame a lot of my emotionally challenged self on being British, while in part that’s not the whole story. The truth is, my family has never, is not and will never be great communicators. The only emotion I ever saw growing up was anger and fear and being to young to be able to comprehend why an adult or sibling can be so angry it turned me into someone who doesn’t scream, have confrontations or say hurtful things to people. Because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of anger.
Moving past what I experienced at home, I was actually more raised by people’s parents that I became friends with. I remember when I was around 17 or so my boyfriend and I and another couple were going to the symphony. It was our first time and we’d gotten dressed like rich people with pearls and suits and flowers to start the evening. When my boyfriends Father came in to the living room to take photos of us he reached to my chest. Normally this would have made me freak out a bit, not being that comfortable around father figures and all but he was the first man that I was truly comfortable calling Pa. He was reaching to me to button my blouse and said, “No daughter of mine leaves the house like that”. It was the most comforting moment of a parental figure.
But before and after that there were others that wanted to “take care of me like their own”. I remember one couple that didn’t have kids. They lived across the street from my friend who’s mother was deaf. They had us over to their home a lot to eat dinner and do homework because her mom was always working and I had a latch-key life. They’d seen the bruises, a lot and tried to talk me into turning in whoever was doing it. When you’re a child you don’t want to be the reason that someone gets in trouble so I just stopped going over there.
It’s weird the things you remember at the oddest times. I think now, I try to overcompensate for my childhood. I hate confrontation even more which is why I just shut out the things that I feel any emotion toward. That’s why I have this blog so that I can take my feelings out here. And that’s why I buy things that I probably shouldn’t as gifts. I’ve talked about this before but presents are love. If I can’t say the words then I’ll just buy nice, pretty, shiny things for others. Does it make it any better that I’m completely aware of my behavior and still do it anyway?
I bring that up because my obligatory email to family and friends about “What five things do you want for Christmas” went out this week… And so the shopping begins. It’s early, too early but having to buy for so many makes it easier the earlier I start. Christmas isn’t about what it should be. It should be about wanting to spend time with family and friends. Catching up. Not this commercialized crap it’s become. Now, I basically stay the shortest time possible. Come home and just hibernate which is actually what sounds appealing this weekend already.
I asked for something new and got something new. I asked for a resolution to something old but didn’t get that. I think I would have rather gotten the latter. Don’t get me wrong. The first is still something that’s fun and exciting but I just don’t know how long he can stay shiny and new for me. But for tonight, I’m rebuilding my DVR and reading a weeks worth of emails with no plans in sight… I guess if I don’t do any spectacular it doesn’t matter if I don’t remember it one day.