When parts of your life get deleted…

I came home tonight to find out that my TV service had some repair issues and my DVR was wiped out. Which strangely I don’t really care much about. But it was probably six months of crap on there. Some TV shows that I really wanted to watch but then thought, it’s only TV. Who gives a shit? This is true unless you’re someone who is going through a rough time and nothing that anyone suggests to do outside of your home feels like fun. It’s a go-to… It’s a way to stop thinking about your own troubles and think about someone else’s for a while.

The strange things you think about while watching live TV commercials right?

Here’s another piece of my history that I also thought of today which was symbolic of my DVR. I have no recollection of the entire early part of my life. I don’t remember my time in England. I don’t remember when we move here and I don’t remember much from being a young child. I tried to get hypnotized once but that didn’t work. I think that I fought it because I realized that there’s some pretty bad shit that’s happened to me that I can remember. How bad do things have to be to have forced them so far out of my memory?

With that same train of thought though how are you supposed to heal if you only know partially what you’re healing from? I guess it’s my paradox. Would you want to remember? Who you do anything you could to get all those memories back because you’ve blocked out the good with the bad?

I tend to blame a lot of my emotionally challenged self on being British, while in part that’s not the whole story. The truth is, my family has never, is not and will never be great communicators. The only emotion I ever saw growing up was anger and fear and being to young to be able to comprehend why an adult or sibling can be so angry it turned me into someone who doesn’t scream, have confrontations or say hurtful things to people. Because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of anger.

Moving past what I experienced at home, I was actually more raised by people’s parents that I became friends with. I remember when I was around 17 or so my boyfriend and I and another couple were going to the symphony. It was our first time and we’d gotten dressed like rich people with pearls and suits and flowers to start the evening. When my boyfriends Father came in to the living room to take photos of us he reached to my chest. Normally this would have made me freak out a bit, not being that comfortable around father figures and all but he was the first man that I was truly comfortable calling Pa. He was reaching to me to button my blouse and said, “No daughter of mine leaves the house like that”. It was the most comforting moment of a parental figure.

But before and after that there were others that wanted to “take care of me like their own”. I remember one couple that didn’t have kids. They lived across the street from my friend who’s mother was deaf. They had us over to their home a lot to eat dinner and do homework because her mom was always working and I had a latch-key life. They’d seen the bruises, a lot and tried to talk me into turning in whoever was doing it. When you’re a child you don’t want to be the reason that someone gets in trouble so I just stopped going over there.

It’s weird the things you remember at the oddest times. I think now, I try to overcompensate for my childhood. I hate confrontation even more which is why I just shut out the things that I feel any emotion toward. That’s why I have this blog so that I can take my feelings out here. And that’s why I buy things that I probably shouldn’t as gifts. I’ve talked about this before but presents are love. If I can’t say the words then I’ll just buy nice, pretty, shiny things for others. Does it make it any better that I’m completely aware of my behavior and still do it anyway?

I bring that up because my obligatory email to family and friends about “What five things do you want for Christmas” went out this week… And so the shopping begins. It’s early, too early but having to buy for so many makes it easier the earlier I start. Christmas isn’t about what it should be. It should be about wanting to spend time with family and friends. Catching up. Not this commercialized crap it’s become. Now, I basically stay the shortest time possible. Come home and just hibernate which is actually what sounds appealing this weekend already.

I asked for something new and got something new. I asked for a resolution to something old but didn’t get that. I think I would have rather gotten the latter. Don’t get me wrong. The first is still something that’s fun and exciting but I just don’t know how long he can stay shiny and new for me. But for tonight, I’m rebuilding my DVR and reading a weeks worth of emails with no plans in sight… I guess if I don’t do any spectacular it doesn’t matter if I don’t remember it one day.

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Getting rid of the old memories…

What was supposed to happen tonight… A nice date, with someone who’s been asking for a while. I had looked forward to it until I didn’t anymore. I was really going to try but then came another option which was to go to the beach with my GBF and his sister. She was admitted into a psychiatric hospital about a week ago and just got out so he thought it would be a good idea.

I guess I could start there. My GBF’s (Gay Best Friend) sister is a good person. She’s sweet when she wants to be. She very intelligent but like all of us she’s flawed. She has a brain condition that I can’t even pronounce which has her taking pain pills every day. I’ve also spoken about here before because she had a beautiful daughter that was murdered and that murder hasn’t been solved. That’s a whole other blog. But you can see with those things why she’s also depressed and has anxiety. She found herself really not feeling well for a couple days and finally decided to go the hospital where she somehow ended up being admitted into a psychiatric hospital but she’s out and hopefully better now. So I’d canceled the first plan to go with the second plan to show some friendly support.

But then, I woke up, on the couch this morning, and got this wild hair to start cleaning. My laundry is what really needs to be done but it’s so tedious that I decided to clean the rest of everything instead, or at least start to. I started going through boxes and binders and drawers and finding things that I’d never thought I’d throw out but realizing that maybe, something that’s holding me back is actually my lack of getting rid of things that I once found important.

By the end of my purging I was knee deep in old tapes that were carefully made for me, a few letters and some other items that I decided to get rid of. One of the most surprising things that I threw away was a recording of an old Buddhist that foretold some future that gave me hope. Actually when I first heard it, probably 20 years ago, I just shrugged my shoulders and didn’t think of it again till a few years back. That’s right after THE friend came back into my life and almost everything on that tape had become a reality except the one true thing that I wanted to.

And that’s where that story ended. I knew that the longer I held on to the tape the longer I might try to hold on to that version of the future which is total and utter bullshit now. Realistically though I know that it will take more than a materialistic purge to get rid of everything about that version of the future that I need to especially since my dreams are betraying me. I woke up this morning already upset that about a dream and I’m sure it’s part of why I did what I did. But it was a strange one…

I suppose part of this is because my boss was adults only kind of weekend and he was talking about taking ecstasy. He was joking that he was going to call me when it kicked in because he knew it was my DOC (drug of choice) back in my drug induced days. I told him to go eff himself and that I wouldn’t answer the phone if he did but it made me remember the feeling on it.

I will say this, at one point there was a very valid reason why this was a legal drug. When on it, there was literally nothing that could go wrong (aside from the obvious of overdose and all that). But the feeling on it was honest, powerful, safe, loved and happy. That’s something that I’ve not felt in a truly long time. Most of our settings were either a group of close friends or just two of us and it was just happiness on a cloud.

The dream went like this… THE friend and I were invited to go with my boss on his weekend excursion and we actually decided to go. When he got there the boss passed around the x and to my amazement THE friend wanted to take it which realistically I know he never would. I remember telling him that if he felt uneasy or anxious because he didn’t know anyone else there then to just squeeze my hand and we’d go for a walk or something. So, we sat there on a couch at a beach house and listened to everyone when I felt the tingling of my scalp and knew it was about to start. Then I felt this tremendous squeeze and knew it was time to go somewhere else.

We walked down a private beach for a while hand in hand for what seemed like ever until THE friend decided to stop and just sit on the sand. Being that he was knew to this he just started to feel everything. He felt the sand, his hair, my hair, my nose (cute but weird). This continued until he started spewing all this truth that I’ve wanted to hear in reality for way too long.

I remember feeling this weight being lifted off me and I could feel a weight being lifted off his because he was finally able to tell the truth about things that I never thought he would and everything seemed explained. I felt vindicated for every single thing for the past four years. Everything made sense. It was as if the 100 pound bolder that had been sitting on both our backs this whole like had turned into the lightest balloon that every existed. There was nothing but honestly, love and acceptance. There were no boundaries, lies or wall between us. I felt as though I could actually breath again….

Then I woke up and was just pissed because I knew that my reality would never be as good as a fucking dream and I hated that. So, I threw away the one last vestige of proof of what could have made things a better reality. Then I cleaned and rearranged my world until I just didn’t care anymore. After all of that I realized that I’d cleaned away the day and several phone calls. I then finished up with a long bath, kept my pants off and finish off my evening with a bunch of horror movies since they seem to rival my life lately.

I don’t know what life has to offer me in the future but I do know that it’s got nothing to do with a box labeled memories… and now they’re not longer staring at me wondering what the hell I’m doing.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 14 (Sunday) and a discussion about mistakes.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and 5 minutes today trying to sweat out emotions.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

As expected my Sunday night didn’t go as planned. The weather or a better offer was a detour for THE friend, which ever. Instead, I spoke to my ex on the phone for a long time. There’s one thing that I admire of him and that’s his insane ability to overcome his fears.

Several years ago he was in a horrific motorcycle accident in which he almost lost his leg. That accident changed the entire course of what he thought his life was going to be. He was engaged to a girl that couldn’t handle what he was going through. He was in a wheelchair for a long time and basically had to relearn everything he’d once known and took for granted. That is all part of why he feels that we’ve come back into each others lives for a purpose. He doesn’t take things for granted anymore and tries to learn from his mistakes. He just recently purchased a new bike and has looked his fear straight in it’s face and said “eff you”!

The truth is, the more I talk to him the more he wears me down about being together. But I have these effed up dreams and thoughts that are making the decision so hard. Yes, it’s true. I have feelings, strong feelings, about THE friend but it’s more than that. I have witnessed THE friend make these decisions or mistakes in his life that lead to him regretting things later and maybe in part I’m trying to hold out hope that I can save him from himself one day.

I’m still being told by these grandiose figures in life and in dreams that we’re supposed to be together. This makes sense to me. I know he doesn’t feel the same but sometimes I try to explain that because he’s scared or thinks he’ll screw something up so bad that we won’t even be friends afterward. The reality is so much different than that.

I know he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. That hurts because of what my vision is. The perfect “coupling”. Two people don’t need to be the same in fact they need to be different in a lot of ways. Puzzle pieces don’t fit together if they’re exactly the same. That’s the way I look at relationships, as puzzle pieces. I have strengths where he’s weak and vice versa. I’ve never met someone that I actually WANT to fit together like that and do until THE friend. 

My mind thinks that “if this was different about me” or “if that was different about me” then he’d want to make this work but the truth is none of that is true. if any of this was meant to be then it would be and it wouldn’t suck so bad that it’s not. I think I’m just tired and don’t want to play this game anymore. I’m okay with knowing that he knows the truth about me and my feelings and if he regrets anything about us later then that’s all on him but I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of knowing that I could be everything that he needs and yet it’s not good enough for what he wants. The sad fact is that again, all he ever had to do was try. I live with the knowledge that being with him, THE friend, would never have been a mistake.

I’ve made plans with the ex. He was set on driving to see me tonight but I convinced him that I was just too tired to see him but I promised that we’d spend time together this week. I know what spending time with him will mean. To him, it means some grand romantic gesture, candles, music, dinner, and a regurgitation of emotions that I’ve already become aware of. So it’s just my turn to define what all those mean to me, one last time. I need to take THE friend out of the equation completely because it doesn’t matter.

The difference between reality and dreams is so obvious and just when I think I know exactly what I need something comes to me to show me what I want and sometimes that’s too powerful to overcome. But again, I’ve done all I can. I’ve been here in any capacity THE friend has needed but it’s never been the capacity in which I WANTED. Not completely. At the end of all this I will know that I do not have any regrets and if he does it’s not my responsibility. 

So, I think this weekend will be me spending time with the ex to try one last time to see if there’s anything there. I’m not going to force anything and there is a lot of history with us he will not be my regret either. He’s a good man. He’s always been truthfully with me which is, at this point in my life, the most important thing with a man. He’s never asked me for anything more than I’m willing to give and has never taken me for granted. As I said, he’s a good man. I’ll have a week to think about this and see where the weekend takes me. Worst case scenario I can always back out if I know this will hurt him too much. Maybe it’ll be raining and we’ll sit outside his house and listen to Prince and I’ll remember why I was so intrigued by him so many years ago.

I’ve decided though, that if there will never be the slightest chance of THE friend and I ever being together then I shall pray that he not be in my life any longer because it’s just cruel. I’ve done all I can. This week is about having no regrets. Anything goes. At the end of everything I will at least have peace in my mind if not in my heart.

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Life Lessons In Unlikely Places…

Coming home from a pleasant evening with friends tonight and on the drive home I decided to play my “Sexy” playlist on Spotify. Regardless of how unsexy I must have looked dancing and singing in my car on the way home, at least I felt a bit. Then, once home, I started flipping through channels in hopes that something would grab my attention. I stopped on HBO and caught the last 30 minutes of the Magic Mike 2 movie.

I’m going to defend myself here. These were both so so stupid movies. However, those dance scenes where hypnotic. It’s also become a joke with m BFF and I and I’ll tell you a bit of the back story to this now.

When she and I both turned eighteen, we decided to venture into LaBare. Which, for those of you that don’t know, is a strip club for women. We were initially shocked at how insane these women got when the men came out and shook their asses. First, back then, there was no “Magic Mike” dance scenes so it was mostly just gyrating groins on these tall, tan, muscular slick stallions but we were never impressed. While almost all the women would jump up and clamor toward the stage at the first three seconds of “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, we would just be sitting in our chairs and appreciating the music. We’d mostly make friends with the waiters which were almost always better looking so that we could drink before the law abiding age. Now, because we didn’t come off as these crazy females, we’d actually be pretty popular by the end of the night so we ended up making friends with the dancers and managers or whoever. Fast forward a few years and the business that I’m in made it very easy to be invited to a strip club, almost weekly whether it be a male or female one it never mattered.

During this time of frequent stops at these clubs it became such a common experience to show up around 1 am, drink a bit and end up hanging out with everyone till the sun came up. While doing this I soaked in the infinite stripper wisdom and let me tell you something, it was very worth while. Do you know how easy it became to have an actual conversation while sitting either on a man’s lap with only a “c–k sock” on or sitting next to a woman who was topless. After a while you become desensitized to someone actually trying to hit on you for the right reasons because the lessons I’ve learned from both Wall Street sales boys and strippers makes it very easy to just assume everyone is out to get something in their own best interest.

But, I can’t say that I didn’t use what I was taught. The first lesson was eye contact. This is so important for both men and women. But here’s what you do. There’s a point when you know the other person is looking at you, whiling staring at the floor you slowly raise your vision directly into theirs and don’t look away while having a tiny curl of your lip as if it was about to become a devious smile. Hold it as long as you can. I still do that when I’m flirting and it’s never failed.

The next lesson was the touching. All the magazines say you’re supposed to touch a man on his arm, or leg as much as possible to flirt with him or to let him know you’re interested but what they taught me was to take the ring finger on either hand and just lightly run it down a man’s arm, almost as soft as a whisper. That usually works too.

Lastly, was the whisper itself. Now, this goes for any man or woman and especially when someone does this to me. Oh Wow! I’ll go crazy. But you lean in, especially when your out at a club or bar and it’s loud, whisper something, anything, but make it so that your lips graze against their ear and they can feel your breath. Drives me crazy! Did I mention that?

There was a lot of other things they taught all by accident because it was really just me observing a lot but that would turn this post into a rate R so I’ll leave those for another night but I think being around that world and yes, it’s a world all on it’s own, got me so jaded about dating and sex and money. The things that would or should normally turn me on are not the things that do. I usually go for the opposite of what those strippers tried to do because they made it all so fake but humorous never-the-less.

Truth is though, lately, I’ve not really tried any of those tricks or any real type of romantic or sexual serenade. While I crave some sort of intimate human interaction and while it’s easy for me to pull a “booty call number” from my phone it’s all so immature and fake. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger but now i crave something different, something better.

I crave jazz on a Sunday afternoon and cuddling so good that it makes me not want to go to work the next morning. I want something more than a 20 minute bang and then I get up and leave. I want a man that makes me want to stay and makes me want to cook breakfast for him the next day.

My ex (that I work with) and I would do this thing where we’d go to bars and see who could get the most phone numbers from suitors. It was a joke to us. We’d do a lot of stupid shit which would probably make other partners jealous but to us it was fun. But there was this one night, after a strip club, that a guy I’d known had come to the table. I guess my ex got a bit jealous and out of no where he told the guy that we were married. Which we weren’t even close to but it was the first time that I’d seen jealousy in his eyes and it kinda turned me on a lot. There was this guy who was totally secure in almost every way and he was so unsure of himself that he felt like he needed to take ownership of property at that very moment. That was probably one of the best nights of sex for us.

But those are the weird things that turn me on. I don’t want obvious “this is on page 3 of my playbook” moves. Tell me something honest, true, cry about something real, blue, wear the color blue I don’t know why. Bare feet with jeans is so sexy, laughing, looking into my eyes but without the pretense of “hey lets f*ck”. Whisper something to me. Give me a hug that you mean, not a half ass, side hug. Music, music, music. Order for me at a restaurant. Take me somewhere that I’ve never been and surprise me. Give me something of yourself even just for a moment.

My life has certainly made it hard to trust and to date especially when I’m not looking for a “right now” It’s tough. So maybe strippers never really taught me anything but maybe they jaded and ruined me. They did help me read people which I’m pretty good at. They help me understand that attaining perfection is a lie and that appearances don’t matter as much. Do I want the 6ft 3in, dark and handsome guy who sold his soul a long time ago and can’t muster the car note he’s got on his souped up Jaguar even though he makes well over six figures a year? If I wanted that, I’d have had that a long time ago and I can promise you that I would have left that by now. I’d give up the numbers to all those guys for the right guy now who didn’t posses any of that. I’m just not sure I’ve even met him yet.

So long ago were the nights spent with exotic dancers till the sun rose and even though it was fun back then and there’s an occasional fun night out at a club these days where I get to practice my skills I have no desire to go back into that realm. Wow, that felt like a different life ago, a different body ago and just a much different time. I’m not sure if this is growing up or growing old. Man, the stories I could tell.

So that’s my story tonight about a life lived long ago. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. I’m doing nothing for the rest of this weekend, or that’s my plan of no plans.

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My Lesson For Today…

You remember those little classes that I take when I get bored or stagnant? Well, I’m still in the process of taking one. It’s the one that homeworked me to write a letter to each of the people in my life that meant something to me and tell them what they mean. Of course, I never actually sent it out because that wasn’t part of the assignment and that would have meant showing actual feelings or whatever. You know how I’m allergic to those darn feelings. Well, tonight, it’s asked something else of me and that’s to share what each person close to you has taught you.

This exercise not only makes you realize that not all the bad is actually bad but makes you think about the lesson in every moment. So, being the good little student that I never was I thought I’d do that here, again. That way it’s in the universe but without the acknowledgement that I’ve actually had to share these feelings outwardly. Here we go again:

To my BFF – She’s taught me that no matter what prognosis you receive there is always a life that you’ll have to lead during and after. You HAVE to chose life and keep going, even when your mind has told you there’s no point. She’s taught me that people can argue and disagree but that’s ok and it’s not the end of the world or the relationship. Most thankfully though, she’s taught me what a real sibling sister relationship is. She came to live with our family for a while back in High School and she had a job that took her out of the running for a lot of the weekend hi-jinks that I used to get myself into. She worked as a waitress and by the time she was getting home from work, I was getting home from partying (I had a day job). I’d go wake her up out of her deep sleep and tell her all about he evening. By the time I was done she’d be awake and I’d be ready for bed. We’d always laughed that that’s how that went. Even now, when we get in our gab sessions on the phone I still do that to her. It’s the little things in life.

To my GBF – He’s taught me to accept the things I can not change and to try to stay positive through out it all. He’s also taught me that even when you think there’s nothing left to give, there’s always just a bit more juice at the bottom. When I first met him we were both working for one of the largest oil companies, in the customer service department. There had been a huge problem with racism and some of the higher ups of the company hadbeen recorded saying some of the most horrible things about Black people. We’d had customer calling from both sides of the coin. Some were just absolutely outraged and wanted nothing to do with the company, their gas or their credit cards. The other side were these racist a-holes that would freely use the n-word at the drop of a hat. Well, my GBF is a black man and one day he was training me which meant that I was basically listening in on phone calls that he took. Towards the end of the training session, he’d taken one call from a racist, stupid redneck who spewed the n-word as easy as saying “Hi”. He was applauding the company for doing what they were doing and said that they had his full support. My GBF sat there. Listened to this man and responded with nothing but kindness, understanding and poise. This was a long tirade from the man on the phone and I was offended. I would not have lasted as long as my friend but after the call, he asked for a moment, gently put his headset down and left. I still, to this day, don’t know what he did after that but I’ve never seen someone be so calm or collected in a situation that would have well warranted none of his patience. I appreciate being able to tell that story because I witnessed compassion for the first real time in my life.

To THE friend – I’ve learned a LOT from this one. I’ve learned patience, understanding, love and strength. I’ve also learned to put the knives down in the dishwasher 🙂 I’ve been able to witness, lately, a transformation of a person that had the will to live even though it was buried deep down but who’s forcing it to the surface, finally. He’s taught me what I want out of life and he’s taught me to be a better human. He’s also taught me that gifts don’t have to be monetary in order to count. For such a long time I’ve been around people that show you your self-worth by giving you things that others would convent. My dad started that when we were children. Instead of ever using the L-word, he’d just buy expensive gifts and that was his way. I suppose I found that in men, later in life as well. This might just be one of the most valuable gifts because you see the thought in a note, an email, a cooked dinner. The cleaning and organizing of something and these actions mean so much more. It’s tough to look at someone who has such low self-worth and who thinks that their best isn’t good enough and to make them believe that it’s not only good enough but it’s far better than anything else they or anyone else could have done. I know that I don’t do a good job conveying those thoughts to him. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed in making him understand how amazing he is but then I have to stop myself and realize that he’ll get there when he needs to get there and that if my words help at all then maybe they’ll be tiny little stepping stones for him to use to get to a higher self. This doesn’t mean we’re perfect. I still have my insecure moments that think, “He’ll leave any day now” or that “I’ll be replaced soon enough” but I can no longer focus on those “if’s”.

And the homework is done for tonight. It wasn’t even that hard to think of all that because it’s always in the back of my mind. These are why these people are in my life. Every person has a purpose and for me, those reason are that. Plus, it’s always nice to say something nice about someone close to you even if they don’t ever see it. Also, I had a bit of a negative evening and this has taken me out of the negative space that I was in. It wasn’t even about me. It was about someone else’s negativity. But I digress.

That is my post for tonight. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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The Winds of Change are coming…

The winds of change are coming, or so my horoscope would have me believe. Even though I put much less stock in them as I used to they are still part of my “getting ready for bed routine”. Basically they’ve been saying that with my birth month here, the new moon and a few other things, my world will start to change in both career and love. Since I’m leaning more toward skeptical and jaded lately, I am not such a believer this time around.

Some idiot, somewhere in history once said that if your career is going well then your love life is shit (paraphrasing of course) or if your love life is fruitfully growing then your career is in the toilet. Apparently, his (or her) life was half great at one point and someone decided to write that quote down. Idiots.

I say that because what if both your career and your love life feel like they are floating in a commode with no end in sight? What’s the third part of your life that’s suppose to be great if all else fails? Don’t ask me this as I have no effing clue. I can barely muster the strength to get out of bed, go to work and not punch someone in the throat most days.

Regardless of all of that my thoughts have been racing today, about everything. Then I come home tonight with the intent to go have drinks with a friend and completely pass out. I don’t usually do that on a school (work) night because it screws with my sleep so we’ll see how tonight’s going to go.

There seems to be a cloud of despair around those close to me right now and for some unknown reason, some have come here looking for some sort of help. They assume I can deliver some sort of profound astronomical insight that will make their lives fall back into place or at least land in a better space. Where they got the idea that my life isn’t about my choices and therefor I know something they don’t has me dumbfounded. Granted, I have been know to give good advice yet very seldom take it, but no where near enough to navigate someone else to their happy place.

I think my happy place went into foreclosure somewhere along the way. I hope that the new buyer is choosing to do something worth while with it or has found some solace in what was once a place that I resided. That was back in the day that I was so blissfully unaware what it was like to be a true adult while being powdered in “nights in white satin” (as they say).

I do tend to bring up my hazy days of my drug induced adolescence a lot but it’s not because I want to go back there. It’s because those days held so much hope. Granted we were all so young, dumb and full of fun 🙂 but we were true, honest and there was a lot of innocence. Amazingly enough, we actually ALL made it out alive. I’ll never understand that part of it but am blessed to have.

We used to do these stupidly, innocent, strangely entertaining things. We’d go to this local dam and sit there asking stupid questions of each other for hours like “If you could give one human emotion to someone who would it be and why?” Or “If you could leave one thing as a legacy what would it be?” We’d come up with some poetic answer that seemed like God himself had come down from the heavens and answered it. They became known as “The Million Dollar Questions”. And I’d be asked to bust them out at all the ragers.

Our parties would normally be either at someone’s house that someone’s parents had forgotten to parent or a hotel room. There would be a low lit living room with some sort of Hooverphonics or Lords of Acid playing and girls dancing like they were all chasing moonbeans. Then there would be a few occupied bedrooms. There would usually be some strangely going on in the kitchen like playing tag with spray cans of whip cream, which usually ended up in the bedrooms. Lastly, there would be a group of people that were all synced together in their haze of consciousness. One or two people would be playing acoustic guitar, a few would be singing but we’d all be together and loving and truthful. There would always be someone there to catch you when you were falling from your state with some other pill that would soften the blow of sobriety. Then, morning would come too quickly and we’d all gather around at the park and continue the acoustic serenade and no one cared that we’d not showered or that our “Robert Smith” eyeliner was everywhere but where it was supposed to be.

Those were some memorable times. Well, they were times that should have been remembered if it wasn’t for the self induced amnesia performed by illegal substances. Those were much simpler times of course we were all hiding the parts of ourselves that we didn’t like, our insecurities, our losses, our pain and for those moments we were all equal and loved.

I reread all of that and think I should have been a hippy but it was a much more subconscious plane than that. Whether is was all actually real or not I chose to believe that what we all went through got us all to where we are now. When I speak to those old friends there’s a lot of “I miss those times” or “I miss what we all had”. But I guess we all had to grow up sometime.

I would have had drinks with one of them tonight. Apparently, I didn’t need the trip down memory lane even though I just went there anyway.

Those are my thoughts and memories tonight. Hope you’re having a great week.

milla-dazed

27 Days of Music – The J’s… with some ramblings.

My week has been strange but strange is my normal so, there’s that. My emotions have been all over the place, I’ve gotten pampered a bit (by a tiny Asian lady) and I’ve gotten little sleep. Between work, private client work and dreams my sleep is not even close to being where it needs to be. I should put an ad out: “Needed – warm man’s body to sleep next to for a night, do some manly things around the house and possible more.” Cold weather and crappy sleep absolutely makes me miss having another person to spend the evenings with that can cuddle, play and just sit next to me.

I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching lately and I’m shocked that I ever had any man stay as long as they did, in a relationship. I’m not forthcoming with the “L-word”, I don’t physically show affection and I feel pretty awkward most of the time. It’s hard, coming from a family that doesn’t or didn’t show emotion so I’ve never really been taught much. I’m not one to initiate anything and never have been but that doesn’t mean I don’t need things.

The things I need is probably, not only laundry list of stuff, but also not much different than anyone else. I’ve said before that I heard somewhere that people need seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to be emotionally healthy. The compliments I get. The other, the hugs and kisses, I don’t get and it’s my own fault. I’ve visualized that actions or what I wanted to act on but just don’t do it. I don’t know if it’s more to do with fear of reject but rather fear of reaching out into an unknown. I’m sure many an ex would have said that I was never affectionate enough and if they thought that they really should have said that. If there’s a game plan in place, if I know what needs to happen or what someone needs then I can do that but when it comes down to a guessing game type of situation I suck at it.

I remember, in high school, there was this boy. He was in a coupled relationship with a friend of mine for years. I always assumed they’d be married but I don’t think they are. Anyway, he’d called me one night and out of no where he said, “Every time I’m around you I just want to kiss you.” I was always flattered by this and always remembered it but never knew what to do with it. I remembered saying thank you and that he’d never know what that was like because I’d never kiss him back because of my friendship with the girl. It was a strange thing that I remember because it happened a lot but that made me feel both sexy, unattainable and uneasy in the same breath. It’s kind of like those situations where someone tells you that they’ve always wanted to have sex with you and you know that once they do the chase is over so you don’t do it with the knowledge that, secretly, they’ll always want to and you had the power to change that but decided to keep that power anyway.

That would be the reason that one night stands don’t work for me much and the fact that I put my pants on before the guy has time to make a sandwich or that’s what I’ve done in the past. This is where my past stays there and my future or present makes things different. I want different things now and I want to try to be the girlfriend that someone needs and wants.

I was making fun of my ex today, at work, because his wife doesn’t do any housework, cook, clean or anything outside. He said he did everything. I know he loves her anyway but I wouldn’t want that type of relationship. I’m all about the equality. This is not about gender roles but about the compromise of equal work.

It’s as if I’ve taken all the bad from all the past relationships and have put in place some sort of manifesto for the next one, so it’s on point. So all my thirty something years has taught me what’s good, what’s bad and what needs work. The next guy needs to know that this will have taken years of research to try to get it right. But, with that said, there is no pressure to make things work out forever because I don’t expect that. Going into a new year with no expectations absolutely has its privileges, for me and the next guy.

Those are my, bit tipsy, words tonight. Hope you’re having a great week.

Enjoy the music:

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