It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.
And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.
I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.
She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.
Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.
Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.
We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.
So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.
I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.
It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.
There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.
So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.
I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…
Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”
I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?
The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.
That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.
It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.
Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.
I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.
This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”
There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”
After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.
I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.
One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.
I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.
I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.