Worlds colliding and other oddities…

It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here and A LOT has happened. I’m not really sure why I’ve not written about it other than the fact that it’s not been helping me deal with stuff. Another reason is that I’ve managed to stretch out my birthday celebrations for about a month and a half which included dinner and ice cream tonight as my finale.

And yet another reason why I’ve not been around is because I’ve not actually slept in my own bed for a few weeks now. That sounds ominous and maybe I’ll get to that a bit more another night but tonight I wanted to reflect on the weekend before my birthday.

I was scheduled to arrive at my brothers home around 4ish on the Friday afternoon. From what I can remember it was a bit chilly but a nice drive even after I spent the majority of the ride working via hands-free calling. When I got there it all seemed a bit rushed as we immediately went to collect my niece from school.

She was so excited to see me. According to her teacher she’d been drawing me pictures all day and telling all her school mates that I was coming to see her. This reminded me of before she realized who I was and remember how shy she was and that she needed an exhausting period to warm up to me… That no longer exists with me but with most other people she doesn’t see every day.

Point was, she was happy to see me. Soon after that we went on a few errands, met my brother for dinner and went bowling Friday night for my niece to experience this for her first time. Then we went home and played a bit and before long I was ready for bed. By this time, I’m sleeping in the third different location of the week and it was only Friday.

Saturday was off to an early start. Breakfast was cooked, coffee was drank and my niece and I had already played outside, then it was off to swim lessons. After smelling the overly chlorinated water for an hour or so we went to do some more errands, met my brother for lunch and then it was back to the house. My sister-in-law and niece had already gone down for a nap when my brother and I had jetted over to his work-site to check out what he was overseeing. His project, for work, was pretty awesome and I got to wear a pink hardhat for the first time ever so I was happy.

We made it back to my brothers and the house was still asleep so he and I took the dog for a walk. I was then told that I could go take a nap but when I woke up I needed to pack my stuff up hand over my car keys… I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, not having any clue what would happen next OR that what MIGHT happen next would be that my brother would drop me off at my parents and then leave. But I went and laid down.

So fast forward a couple hours and my brother is driving my car with me as a passenger into a downtown hotel. My mind was still not really computing what was going on when he valets my car, unpacks my luggage and we retreat inside this place. After two rides in the elevator we end up at the top. After a bit of searching for the room I see my niece peak her head around the corner of a door to the Presidential suite with the inviting words, “We’re in here guys”.

I walk in and my eyes are not focusing on where I was but who was in this room. My family, extended family and friends were inside with trays of sushi, platters of steak and black and pink balloons covering the furniture. There’s bottles of liquor, gift bags, cards and a beautiful pink and black fondant iced birthday cake. I’m still surveying the room though and realizing at that very moment a few of my worlds have collided.

It was at that very moment that I realized just how segregated my worlds really are and it’s completely done on purpose for self-preservation, I suppose. There was a flurry of hugs and birthday wishes and my brother trying to explain to me that the people that were in attendance right then were part of the first party. The second party would be a younger crowd of mainly our friends.

There was a rumor that was told to me that THE friend was invited which I wasn’t actually going to believe unless I saw his face appear in that doorway because I didn’t want to be let down. My GBF was there with his sister and I knew that he was exhausted from just flying back from Denver visiting his family. My BFF was there, probably getting an earful from my mom about her lack of communication skills but knowing that she and I are not in a good place right now I understood what it meant for her to be there. What it meant for everyone to be there.

So I enjoyed the entire night and didn’t really worry that my worlds were colliding a bit that night. After a few hours the door bell went and to my shock THE friend was there in the doorway holding a handmade birthday cake that he’d brought from home on a 2.5 hour drive. It was a beautiful gesture and I was happy that he’d made it and in shock. As the night rolled on the older generation was replaced with the younger generation and more drinks were made… and more… and more. The party was actually over early though but there I was in the Presidential suite alone on my birthday with a giant garden tub, more liquor and THE friend.

I honestly wish things got juicy after that however the rest of the evening basically went like this…
Me – tub – amazing bath.
THE friend – passed out on the couch. Woke in the middle of the night to steal pillows from my giant king size bed then passes back out on the couch…

Yep, the most uneventful birthday finale ever. There was literally a moment when I stopped and thought, “How in the hell did we ever have sex with each other years ago? Was he just literally THAT bored or does he just really have to stick it in all things just once and then move on?”

I know, I KNOW! I AM grateful and so very thankful for the time and money that went into that weekend. Seriously, it was amazing but you know how you just can’t stop yourself from having those day dreams, but right before you fall asleep, of how you actually WANTED things to go?

The funny part here is that just a few days before all of this I was with a guy who I make feel the exact opposite that THE friend feels about me. This other guy can’t keep his hands off me. This other guys wants to have sex all the time which is perfectly fine with me. This other guy has absolutely NO problems telling me what he wants and what he needs and has equally no issues asking what I want or what I need. This other guy can go 24 hours without having to check out his dating app even though I’ve made it clear that we are NOT dating exclusively. This other guy doesn’t compulsively talk about ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends or future girlfriends like it some sort of competition.

That was the complaint that I heard, Oh your friends nice but he talks about girls a lot…” I wanted to reply with, “Well that’s because he wants to make sure that you ALL know that WE are JUST Friends and we will never be any thing more.” But instead I just shrugged my shoulders all three times that was mentioned and changed the subject.

It’s a bit par for the course at this point since he’s working which I am happy about but we’re back to our “Sunday appointment” nights ever couple weeks that we’re glued in front of the TV. I HATE OUR RUTS. I HATE OUR APPOINTMENT EVENINGS. AND I HATE THAT IT’S HIS GOAL IN LIFE TO PROVE HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT ME. That last part is painfully true enough without things being thrown in my face.

Why am I finally bringing this up now? Well, first, as I said I’ve had my last birthday dinner and it also came with some alcohol and second because it’s been really bothering me. And, to be honest, because I remembered something tonight that I’ve not thought about since the night after my birthday weekend.

I was coming home from another birthday dinner that Sunday night when THE friend and my mutual friend called. He lives in DC and was actually planning on flying to see me the night before which would have been amazing but work interrupted his fun life and he couldn’t. Instead, we settled for a long phone call. He and I talked about the party, a few other things and we actually discussed THE friend. I was amazed that now our “friendship” is out in the open. The cat was out of the bag, as they say. He had a couple questions for me one of which was along the lines of, “So, what’s up with the two of you? He stayed in the hotel after everyone else left?”.

This is where having a few too many drinks was probably not the best idea but I replied with a huge sigh of annoyance. “If you haven’t realized it by now WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! And we will never be anything else even though I actually want more. THE friend has made it perfectly clear in his words, his actions and every other way possible that he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me more than JUST BEING FRIENDS.”

There was also something said about having a kid together with THE friend but not actually dating him which I won’t even get into but my friend in DC basically finalized the conversation by saying, “Well, whatever, I don’t think you two are ‘JUST FRIENDS’ because there’s something else there whether you two know it or not but you do whatever you want… Just don’t wait too long to do it.”

After that conversation though, I realized that as much as I believed THE friend wanted to make sure there was some sort of arbitrary line being draw about where our relationship starts and stops, I was the one that was keeping my worlds apart just as much if not more. I also realized why. I found myself having to explain that even though there is some sort of “chemistry” or whatever between us that we are just friends. I think that I’ve been afraid that I would have to say the words, “I think I’ll always be in love with someone that I shouldn’t be” or having to explain why I’m not good enough in him mind to even be given a chance… All that scares the shit out of me.

I was not ready for my worlds to collide that weekend. I was not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in front of friends and family that weekend…. I guess I just wasn’t ready for that weekend, even though I want for nothing more than to look back at it with amazement and a feeling of being loved, and yet I’m still left with a feeling of not being good enough.

One day I hope to realize that HE’S the one that’s not good enough for me… I just can’t get there fast enough though for this not to hurt. Funny thing was, I wasn’t actually planning on seeing him this past weekend and if he’d have texted me, I would have said that I couldn’t see him but instead he just showed up which meant I couldn’t give an excuse as to why I wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair… It’s just not fair. I pray that I find a duplicate of THE friend that makes me feel all the good with NONE of the bad and that actually WANTS to have a mutually respectable, loving, intimate, romantic relationship with me.

I feel like this is a poorly written piece for being gone so long. There’s much more to tell including a home break-in, some pretty funny and fun evenings, and a little bit of drama but that will all be for a different night when I haven’t had too much to drink.

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Full moon for full emotions…

Yesterday, well over the last week or so has had a sobering effect on me. First, I am grateful for this out. My blog has saved me from saying things that some people should never know. I’m not a cold hearted person but keeping all my secrets leads me to blow up at times which is what happened yesterday. I needed the secrecy of this blog and the anonymity. As much as I am hurt beyond words, I would still never hurt him intentionally.

Today only proved that I was right though. There really is no way of working this out because he doesn’t want to and I’ve said all I needed to say. And yet with all that said I am the only one still talking about it, crying about it and being hurt over it. I guess we’ve just been broken for way too long and seeing that he’s so much happier not around me just cements this. Actually what truly cemented this is that he was never willing to work on this. I think it just all became clear over this weekend. I’m grateful for the clarity but am disgusted at how he must always prove my deepest thoughts true.

Now, with the full moon about it tends to draw everything to a head and pull out emotions that were burred for a long time. For me, that was every emotion. I’ve never been as mad, angry or upset with anyone in my life as I have with him. But you can’t love enough for two.

My journey from this point forward will be hard and I will have my breakdowns but there’s officially nothing left to do nor say at this point. I wish it never came to this so all I have left to do is take away anything that makes me think of him, any future plans are now gone and any things of his will be gone.

Just when it feels as though this world is shit you’re supposed to be able to rely on your friends to be there for you but he’ll never understand the smallest effort that he had to put in. I know for a fact that he doesn’t treat anyone else like this or he’d have no friends. I don’t even want to know why anymore. The only thing I need to do now is finish out this year and then everything changes. There will be no more posts about him. I am done. So just bare with me one last time so I can fully get things out of my system and hopefully none of this will ever be repeated again because my heart can’t take this again.

Sorry to the new guy but he’s out. And sorry to the next boy because my wall is even thicker than before. That is a coping mechanism of which I thought I’d never have to put up again but it seems as though I was wrong. I would never discourage anyone else from loving someone with their entire being, heart and soul. It appears it just doesn’t work for me. Good luck out there… We all need it.

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Ripping off the hand that fed you and ripping apart the heart that loved you…

This year is ending in almost the same way it ended last year, in betrayal. It’s so hard to believe that this is where we are at again and it’s all my fault. I should have never trusted enough to let it back again. If it was a silent betrayal it wouldn’t feel as though I was just being mocked at this point but it just proves that this is so over. It’s the kind of over that been dug up and resurrected from the grave only to have ripped apart again and again.

How many times do I need to be shown how completely insignificant this was to him? Adding insult to insult. While I ignored horrible emails from people going so far as to tell me that he’d given them an STD,  not that it mattered with us. Ignoring friends telling me that he’d just make me feel like shit and I never deserved that. People have never been accepting of whatever we were anyway and he’s never even tried to fight for a damn thing. The only things he’s ever emphasized is his lack of care and concern about me as a human and this relationships as anything but just a joke.

My masochistic phase is OVER! I’m done getting slapped in the face and kicked in the heart over and over and over again. I’ve never done a thing to him that was intentionally hurtful. You want something real and true and you fight for it. Damn me for caring… I’m so done with this bullshit. I’ve never done anything to warrant this feeling that keeps flowing through me again and again.

I want to scream so fucking loud right now. The thought that this feeling of horrific pain that he’s probably never felt is only caused by him has me writing one last thing about him to get him out of my system and then I am truly done.

Dear THE Friend,

I will never understand why you’ve turned to hate me or at the very least be apothetic which is what your actions prove to me. This whole thing was never planned by either of us but I guess I should have heed the warnings from the beginning. Just so we’re clear I ALWAYS defended you. I ALWAYS had your back. Not to mention the times that I helped you out that you don’t even know the lengths I went to to do it.

Are you aware of MY sacrifices for you? I gave you EVERYTHING and you chose to take EVERYTHING for granted. Occasionally you’d think that some sort of letter or text was sufficient enough for me to just forgive everything? YOU USED ME! YOU TREATED ME WITH THE MOST DISRESPECT. You are NOT a kind person, a giving person or a caring person. Not to me. You’ve canceled plans to be with others whom you thought to be more “worthy” and you spent money on others for pleasure when you have had obligations to me. You’ve lied repeatedly to me.

You kept us a secret from everyone, in which I can only assume was because you didn’t want our mutual friends to know who was breaking my heart at any given moment. You used my feelings for you as a stepping stone to get as much out of me as you possibly could. It’s always been your way, your time, your mood.

YOU HAVE HURT ME FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE BROKEN MY TRUST FOR THE LAST TIME. YOU HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FROM ME and the saddest part is YOU DON’T EVEN CARE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DAYS DOING THINGS THAT I’VE ASKED OF YOU AND YOU’VE IGNORED BUT GLEEFULLY DO WITH OTHERS. I HOPE YOU’VE ENJOYED THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS THAT I’VE SPENT ON YOU.

I want you to remember this for as long as you can. Remember when you had nothing, no car, no money and (your words) no one true friend) I WAS THERE FOR YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED AND YOU WANTED. What did I get in return? All your bad moods, all your shitty words and an occasional nice deed done more because you were bored than out of something that I wanted.

I have prayed for you more than myself and I can only assume that you’ve NEVER returned that favor. I got you things because YOU needed them and sacrificed things that I needed because of it and all I got was more and more requests for things. I can’t say this enough, I gave you EVERYTHING! There is not one true honest kind person on this earth that allows someone to give them everything and just keeps taking it all.

The saddest thing of all is that I’ll never get the chance to tell you how I feel but I’m not sure I would anyway because YOU DON’T CARE. One day I’ll finally be over you entirely and I’ll focus on the people in my world that care immensely about it but right now the only thing I can think about is why you chose me to be so fucking cruel too? I HAVE NEVER WRONGED YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH YOU. I was once told that you were soulless and I couldn’t have disagreed more. I stuck up for you so many times when it was never my fight and you wouldn’t have ever done the same for me.

So of the things you’ll never know… That issue at one of your last jobs was a lot more serious than you thought and I called in favors so that you’d never know or feel the repercussions. You actually had more issues with your new job than you were aware but when I found out I called in another favor to make that go away. When I was repeatedly being told by bitter people in your life some of the most horrible things I kept and will always keep them to myself because I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU! There’s a few other things that you’ll never know but remember that I did all those things plus the ones you know about because I TRULY CARED ABOUT YOU.

I have never cared what your situation was and I even tried to invest in you so you have a better future which you’ve so soon forgotten about. And by the way, I couldn’t afford to do it then and then you actually had the nerve to be upset because I couldn’t do more. Of all the nasty things that I could say about you and how you live your life and I never have to you because you’re “sensitive” even though you have absolutely no problem returning the negative comments, looks and actions.

Do you realize that I’ve had a family member physically hurt me and it felt better than all the things you’ve done to me. At least he’s apologized and actually feels hurt because of it. You don’t feel a thing do you? You are completely emotionless when it comes to me? Don’t you dare blame fear, depression or things being a “defense mechanism.” What the hell are you being defensive about? YOU DON’T CARE! That’s it plain and simple. You only care about who’s the prettiest you can spend your time with or who has more money or a better evening planned.

This person that you are now is NOT the person that I fell in love with and that hurts just the same. I’m not sorry that I fell in love with that person. I’m sorry that he’s become this person. I’m so sorry that I gave you what you asked for. That I tried everything to make sure you were sated, at a place you could call home and with someone you could trust. I’m even more sorry that none of that truly mattered to you.

I can be damn sure though that I am happy that I never changed for you because nothing makes you happy. Well, move on to your next victim. You have had more experiences in life and a greater opportunity to make a difference but instead you’ve decided to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still can’t say the “H” word to you or about you.

I’ve prayed for so many things since we’ve been “friends”. I’ve prayed for your happiness, for you to love yourself, for you to find your path in life and so many other things and when you walk into your church you don’t even think of praying for any of that for me do you?

Congratulations – you’ve lost someone who would never betray you. Never hurt you and never want anything less than you to be happy. Well, now you can be as happy as you want to be because you no longer have to pretend that this is any thing to you. You’ve wanted this to be secret for so long and now you’ve got your wish. It’s so secret that it doesn’t even exist.

I always knew why you came back this time around. It was for the one thing you said it wasn’t for which you’ll never know what it cost me to get you. I’d say have a great life and truly mean it but it appears that you already are and one that doesn’t include me in it. YOU HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO ME. I hope one day you’ll actually understand that.

Stop looking at all things from YOUR point of view since I’d spend so many years looking at things through your point of view and trying to understand and excuse everything away. Now, it’s your turn. Or maybe you’ll just gleefully walk away knowing that you got what you wanted and didn’t have to do much at all. Stop thinking about ONLY yourself and what you can get out of things. If you ever choose to look at this from my point of view you’ll realize that this is about so much more than you think it is, if you even think about it at all.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what’s happened here and maybe you never will but until you truly realize just how hurtful and painful this has been from beginning to end then it will never matter to you. Maybe you just don’t care. Turns out that being the greatest love of my life also made you into the greatest mistake of my life and nothing that I learned from being hurt by you was worth it. NOTHING.

THIS IS WHAT ITS COME TO. You are off enjoying life yet again with those that you openly care about and I’m here left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart knowing that you’ll never understand, nor care because as honest as I’ve been with you this entire time (to which you’ve mostly ignored) I will never feel like it’s acceptable to share THESE thoughts with you. Whatever I tried to fight for is gone.

If someone that you actually cared about was made to feel like this you would want to kill that person that hurt them. Why even bother making me trust men again, making me fall in love with you? Was all this just a fucking game to you? Well, congratulations… I guess you won. Because I’m the only one who’s ever cared about this enough to let it ruin me. The next time you are in need of something… Remember that you can’t ask me anymore because YOU BROKE THIS! YOU BROKE ME. Add that to your little book of secrets. YOU FUCKING BROKE ME.

Sincerely,

The girl who gave you everything and you repaid by killing her soul. NEVER AGAIN! You not only stabbed me in the back but you stabbed me in the heart. Goodbye.

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Weekend breakdown without an actual breakdown…

This post is being started before a workout and birthday dinner and finish after hopefully so I’m not sure where this will all go.

This weekend had a lot to offer with no expectations. I knew before I’d even left work on Friday that my plate was full, I just wasn’t sure what it was full of. I came home first and took a small nap then got up, showered and got ready for dinner with the new guy. This was our first real official date-like date. I wore a skirt… This does not happen that much but I felt pretty. My hair was working with me and my makeup was understated. I was under no expectation that this would go well or be anything.

He picked me up, which I usually don’t like (it’s a control thing where I like to drive). We went to a nice restaurant downtown. He brought one flower which I left in his car and wore a suit. He valeted the car and made sure he motioned to the valet to let him open my door. We went inside, sat at our reserved table and just started connecting. He’d asked how my day was and didn’t settle for “fine”. We were already, quickly making plans for the next day but I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep with him that night.

On one of our many conversations previously, I’d mentioned a tiny bit of my history and he understands. Plus, we still don’t know each other that much but I will say when it does happen with him or anyone else I’m going to insatiable and probably won’t be able to stop. It’s just getting to that point, like a comical cartoon of fireworks. It’s not that he’s not attractive nor that I’m not attracted to him but I just don’t want to rush into anything. I see how well that turned out for me in the past.

I’ve talked about this before, that most of my meaningful relationships that were sexual were actually friends first then something more. The first man I was in love with and I had no type of sexual relationship for the first six months and it built up so much that it was great when we finally did. I’m just trying not to make mistakes here.

We ended up closing the restaurant down and not realizing it. I actually felt like we were having such a great time that I didn’t want it to end but knew it had to. Can’t move too fast here so he dropped me off but by the time we were done just sitting in his car talking it was early morning. He kissed my forehead and cheek and made sure that we were going to meet “for sure” the next day (or later that day).

I came in and just immediately got undressed, took my sleeping pill and just sat in a bath for a little while, while going over the evening. Parts of it were making me smile to myself like an idiot. There’s still nothing that I don’t like yet. Some of the things he says though are just uninhibitedly amazing. Like he has no filter but it’s all good stuff. He still touches at the right time and in the right way. It’s a strange thing. Is it possible that he might be too perfect?

So the next morning I was up way too early and before I knew it we were already on our way to an Octoberfest that my work was doing something for so I was at the beach and I was happy. We walked around and ate a little, drank a little and talked about going to another festival back in town that work was doing as well but I didn’t want to leave the beach. There was a third one that was north of where we both live that was a music festival which we’d talked about but I’d gotten a call from a girl friend saying that she’d had a really bad day and wanted to see if we could get together. I felt like I wasn’t ready to have him be my festival buddy totally yet so I told him that we’d end the day so I could see to my friend. He understood and now, because he’s inquisitive, he probably knows more about her than he does me.

I came home, did a quick change and went to my friends house. Her mom was there watching her baby and she and I chatted a while while my friend got ready. When she finally came down we were off to dinner where she and I both had a drink (have seriously had more drinks this week than this whole year). She told me about her really crappy day the day before. She’s gotten into a hit and run accident in her new car. Then her doctor had told her that the chances of her having another baby were much smaller than she’d thought. I felt like saying, “some of us have the reproductive system of a 20 year old (per my doctor) but have no viable options at this moment as to bring a child into this world with”. But I didn’t. I did tell her that she should have hope and that on the off chance that she doesn’t have another child she’s already made one pretty amazing one.

After that point she’d decided that she wanted to keep drinking. Since I was driving and she was actually starting to feel better I’d agreed and we were off to a bar. The conversation was getting pretty personal on her end and she was saying how much she appreciated that whenever she felt bad I was always there to take her out and make her feel better. That was nice to hear but she kept throwing out all these nice things and for some reason it was just making me feel strange. I think it just felt nice to be needed by a friend at that moment. I’m not sure.

By the time we left there it was also early morning and she was very, very drunk but happy. We sat in her driveway for a moment and sang stupid karaoke songs that we both knew and that made us both happy. We like doing stupid kid shit together, sans the drinking sometimes. She’d thanked me repeatedly for making her feel better and by he time she was drained enough to pass out and I was on my way home I was started to feel so very tired but my brain wouldn’t shut off.

I’d had a great evening the night before on my date. I’d had a great day on another date and at the beach and I’d ended the day with a good night with a friend who needed me. But my mind was racing. It wasn’t thinking about any of that. It was thinking about someone else that doesn’t give me the same courtesy.

Seriously, why? WHY? WHY? WHY? And yes, say that in a childish voice and stomp your foot. I meet this great guy who I’m having fun with and it has potential. It has so much potential. But what’s on my mind is that I sent THE friend a truthful message days before which he’s ignored. IGNORED. And I was sure that I wouldn’t see him or hear from him on our “Sunday”… We’ll get to that later.

I woke up Sunday and realized that I was exhausted from the weekend already but I had more things to do. I went with another friend to go check out this expensive car collection and get brunch. We chatted for a bit and he was trying to make plans with me next month and my mind is still swimming back to the shallow end. I was trying to stay in the moment and enjoy but it wasn’t working. I decided to cut our day short so I could take a nap and shower and thought maybe that would help.

Instead, I took a long bath, watched a movie and then get a sudden text from THE friend that he was on his way soon. My mind went straight to, “Are you kidding me?” “Who totally ignores a written emotional cry for help for this friendship and then acts as though it never happened?” Um, him. That’s who. So I said, to myself, that I was going to enjoy the evening whether I feel like I’m doing it all alone for not.

He shows up, makes a sandwich and sits at my computer. I thought my head was going to explode so I went out for a cigarette. But he was acting like he was trying to not do or say anything wrong, on egg shells. We do this to each other way too much. But each time I wanted to say something or something was upsetting me I would just go outside for a cigarette. It’s my escape and I know that. I don’t even enjoy it anymore but it’s the only way that I felt to get out of a situation that could erupt. But maybe that’s what we need. Maybe we just need to blow up at each other. At least I’d get to see some sort of emotions from him. At least something would seem to matter to him.

I guess that’s a pretty effed up thing to think but we’re so stuck. I’ve heard of a three year itch in marriage but we’re not even anything anymore. It’s painful to watch this happen, as if I was a fly on the wall watching us. What am I even here for? There’s no communication, there’s no intimacy. It’s like two strangers sitting next to each other who just happen to be eating alone at a restaurant.

At one point he’d mentioned this line that he’d picked up from a commercial or something about the more scared someone gets the stupider the things they do are. For one moment I thought, is that your explanation? If so then what the hell are you scared about? Then I realized that was my girl-brain trying to analyze something that had nothing to do with me and I stopped. I would occasionally pick up my phone and smile about the guy that was missing me that I might find some joy with. And even less occasionally I’d write him back.

I’m so very confused because I have the opportunity to be with someone who’s has everything that I’m looking for. He’s so very happy to see me. We make each other laugh and smile. We WANT to be in each others company and all I can think about is, what the hell has happened to this relationship with THE friend that’s made this whole thing so convoluted. We spend only a few hours with each other once a week or every three weeks and I have a better relationship with my post man.

So I tried one more time to explain without anger what I’m feeling and I, again, got nothing. There’s a girl out there that he confides in, that he says good morning to, that he asks how her day was. I’m not asking to be that girl. I’m just asking to be that friend that was once worth more than ignoring, more than just a tap on the shoulder as he goes for the fridge. I’m asking to be a friend. Just because it takes only minutes for our text conversations to disappear from my view doesn’t mean they disappear from my mind. out of all the things that I could actually wish for right now, it’s to fix us but that’s pointless if I’m the only one who thinks something’s broken.

This is not me wanting what I don’t have. I’ve never “had” him but what we had used to be a lot better than this and if this is all there is then seriously, what’s the point. Why am I the only one who feels any pain because of this at all? I’m not even sure he’d notice if I moved away right now. I feel like I want to scream, “What the hell did I do to you that this is where we are?” and then I realize that I don’t have this with anyone else. And then I think if this is just this is that ok?… That’s my unanswered question this evening.

If there’s a friendship that’s dying in the woods but no ones around to hear me cry, does it actually matter? (That’s my second unanswered question this evening.)

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The Power of THAT Word… and what I need right now.

This week has been a strange one again. I’m still sad and can’t seem to fix this. It’s no one else’s place to but I do wish that I had the strength to ask for help. I’m not sure what I would be asking them for right now specifically. I do know that I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I think it’s an accumulation of a lot of things but things that I can’t articulate right now.

The week started with a long email at work from my ex. I’ve not been texting him back for a while now and he knows why but this was an emotional email. He basically said that he’d been fighting with being lonely and depressed for such a long time and didn’t see hope until he and I started talking again. He said that it felt like fate that we were back in each others lives again and then he said something that I didn’t realize that I’d longed to hear for such a long time but not from him. He’d said, “I’m still in love with you.” Right words, wrong man. 

For such a large portion of my life I’ve pushed those words away so far and it almost hurt to hear. Whether it was “I love You” or “I’m in love with you” I just couldn’t bare to have those words hit me. But for some reason, I realized that I NEED to hear those words right now. I usually don’t have much of a reply or any at all and the only person that I actually can muster the words to say back is to my BFF but I HAVE TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.

I’d realized that for a split second, those words, that word has so much power over me and I’d probably do anything for that person who says that right now. In that second, I second guessed my judgement to not give him a chance. I quickly realized that I don’t want to be with him and even suggesting it for a second would be horrible of me to do to him. I don’t want to be with him and I’m not even sure I care to have his energy in my world right now, or ever again.

People say that you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy by yourself. Well, I’ve made an art form out of being by myself. In a crowded room I can still be miles away from anyone and I’ve had to be for a very long time. That’s just been normal for me. Like this weekend, it has been a hailstorm of people from a big birthday party Friday night to a wedding tonight. Both nights I’ve been standing around people who say “I love you” all the time to me but I felt like I was in a glass bowl and they were all mingling around the outside of the bowl.

I’d assumed that I make it hard to love me sometimes but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t agree with that. Those are the things that I find myself needing to hear right now. As much as it still stings a bit, I need to hear the reasons why? Why do they love me? Why do they think I’m pretty or beautiful? Why do they care so much? Or maybe I don’t need to hear it from everyone. Maybe I just need to hear it from one person…

My life, in its entirety, doesn’t suck. I like my job (even though some of the people I deal with suck). I love my friends. I have a food, shelter and clothing and I’m grateful for all those things but what I long for is humanity and touch and words and kindness and love right now.

If I really just needed some random human touch then I have a boat load of “booty call” numbers in my phone that I could do that with but it’s so beyond that. I need someone that I can cry in front of, someone that will hold my hand for no reason at all and someone that will finally tell ME that “everything will be alright”. I guess I just realized that it’s my turn for that. Funny thing about being a human rock of strength for others, after a while people just assume that you don’t need some of that strength returned.

I do understand that I just need to open my mouth up and say that I need these things but the thing about that is, I don’t know if I can and still just hope that one day, someone will just know that I need these things and just give them to me. I know that life isn’t that easy. I know that I might never meet someone who will just know that I need these things in my life and even those closest to me don’t realize that I might just not be as strong as I appear. Someday, I pray, that someone does those things for me because they care enough and realize that I need it more than I don’t.

I realized a while ago now that life isn’t about quick fixes, one night stands or fast and fleeting friendships. It’s about the times when you’re at your worst. When you’re cowered down in the fetal position and then when you look up and see who’s left. That is when it hits you. Those people that are there when you are at your lowest point, those are the ones that are meant to be the recipients of your love, kindness and blessings. Not the fly by night ones that you find yourself trying to impress because you don’t have to impress the important ones. They’re happy with you just being who you are and nothing more. I think if I look around my life, I can see two maybe three people that are completely content and happy with me, being me at this point right now. That’s not such a great number in a crowd full of “friends” but luckily I’ve spent my weekend with those that do.

I had big plans for April, for no other reason that just because I felt like it was time. I still do but choose not to talk about them because it seems that the moment life figures out I’m happy about something is when things turn to shit. That’s why I don’t talk to anyone about my happy moments as much as I should.

So, I guess, this post finds me indifferent than where I was on my last post. I’m still sad. I still need things that I can’t ask for and I’m still a ball full of secrets but just the fact that I’m not ok with being in this place gives me the strength to get up each day and try to fix myself.

I understand that I NEED to hear the “L-word” but I NEED to hear it from someone that can say it like an arrow piercing my heart. I know that human touch is something that I need too and that sitting in silence with my secrets next to someone else is so much better than sitting in silence alone with my secrets. I just need real, true and honest right now. I hope I get that soon.

Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.

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When Is Enough, Enough? And my jumbled thoughts.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last written and my last post I was feeling pretty crappy about things. I’m not sure much has changed, in that aspect. First, the beginning of my weekend. We’ll start there cause then it might go a bit downhill after that.

My GBF’s sister’s birthday is today and he wanted to take her to Austin so she could have dinner at this place off Lake Travis. We’d made this plan. We were going to leave early Saturday drive to my brothers, hang for a while then go to the restaurant around the time the sun sets and meet up with a few other people. We’d gotten a bit of a late start but pretty much flew there and the plan went accordingly. We were all having a great time. Family, friends (new and old) and of course my niece and my BFF were there. We were all joking and playing and having a great time. The drive back was a great karaoke of 80’s hits which were being sung too loudly. We ended up getting home a bit later than expected around 11 but nothing too drastic.

I came in, changed and went to have drinks with a friend very late Saturday. He’s an old but great friend. We were telling these stories to his friends about some of our ‘good ole times’ and it was happy and fun. We were all having a blast. Towards the end of the night or I guess I should say early morning, he walked me to my car. We’d leaned against it for a bit and giggled at a few things and then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t forcefully with passion, it wasn’t in hopes of getting laid, it was just something he wanted to do right then and he did. I respect those types of actions. It lasted longer than it should have but it made me realize just how much I miss that. You know? All the Oxytocin that runs through your body after that. So, we kissed a bit more then said our goodbyes with promises to get together soon but I don’t know if I want to yet.

So, after a great Saturday, you know my “read somewhere wisdom” about getting seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day makes someone healthy? Yeah, so I was feeling pretty great. One of those days that you kind of don’t want to end but eventually I had to get to sleep. I was having THE friend come over the next day (or later that day) and he was going to make a healthy meal. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the “he forgot about me” incident but I was looking forward to it. I was going to leave the bad where it was and start fresh. No judgement, no grudges and was hoping to continue the vibe from the day before’s fun.

He came, a bit later than what I’d thought. I’d cleaned the kitchen. Bought a few things he’d requested after he bought the other half of the ingredients and I’d worked out a bit and added to my motivational wall of determination. I was ready for some more fun. He walked in with a sigh which felt like a “Ugh, I’m here again like an appointment” sigh. Went straight into the kitchen and just went to work. Talking to himself mostly. A few “where’s this” or “could you get this” sternly from him and that’s when it started…

Nothing I had was good enough. I’d bought the wrong this, or this was shitty or this was wrong. I have shitty this and that and NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH! I was trying really hard to not just walk out or scream or cry. Then when he starts out like that I start retreating into my own head and become small, so small and quiet. Then he gets mad because I don’t speak up but it’s because he’s already made me feel like shits never good enough. Then we eat and since we eat over “our TV shows” there’s no conversation. There’s no engaging.

After dinner, he was doing something on his computer which was important however, still no conversation. He does this thing when I don’t fast forward the commercials so I did it back and because he’s so into whatever he’s doing he yells at me. At this point, I’m feeling like a child that can’t seem to do anything right. I want to cry, a lot but again, why? What’s the point anymore?

On his way out the door, he’d asked about hanging out on Wednesday and I said no for two reasons. First, our last two Wednesday’s hadn’t worked out and two because HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, AGAIN. I feel like he thinks I said no because of some sort of punishment because he forgot but I’m trying so damn hard to not care anymore because this is still one sided. This is still not and never where this was in the beginning. I remember when we used to have fun and laugh and do new and exciting things but now it just feels like a chore or an appointment for him.

So, you are all asking why I keep doing this to myself right? Well, at first, there was such a strong connection that I felt toward him and yes, the whole being in love thing was a lot of it. You want to talk about Oxytocin? Even though he’s never and will never have those feelings for me he still acted with love, and care (sometimes) but he was also playful and did the hand holding and the inappropriate touching which I craved because I hated it from most others. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but it was where a lot of my good feelings about us were coming from. Being around him for one day gave me the 7 hugs, kisses (not compliments) that I needed to leave some of the bad shit behind us.

I still believe that there’s a whole lot of women out there who get to see a really great, nice and caring man that I don’t get to see. I really don’t know why HE keeps wanting to do this dance we do. On a good day it’s great but on a bad day, he makes me question myself which isn’t healthy, fair and it’s certainly NOT what I deserve. I deserve a friendship that grows and that is caring and that is helpful and NOT one that has me dripping tears in between key strokes. I am not this fragile and sensitive or at least I wasn’t. But it just makes me think about all the people who get his best and I don’t understand why I’m not on that list after what we’ve been through. This is bullshit.

The first guy that I was truly in love with, who I still work with, and I have this ritual. He usually brings his lunch and heats it up early. While he’s waiting he’ll come into my office, sit down and say, “So, ‘insert nickname here’, did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” I respond, “Yes, ‘insert nickname here’ I did such-and-such. How was yours? What did you do?” and we talk about things for a few moments. He and I have worked together for almost 17 years and known each other for almost 20. But we still have conversations, some meaningful some not so much. We ask each other questions, ask about problems that we’re going through. We still care enough about each other to TALK to each other and to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER. It’s never forced conversation. There are no other feelings there but respect and friendship but that’s how things SHOULD BE!

Maybe the oxytocin from the sex that THE friend and I shared once three plus years ago has finally worn off completely. Maybe there’s just nothing good left here. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse as they say. Maybe I should let him out of this invisible contract that I feel that he thinks he’s in. He can go forth with making all his other friends happy and sharing things with them that he can’t seem to do with me. I should tell him that he’s served his time or community service and isn’t under any obligations any longer to HAVE to spend time “working” on this friendship. I’m sure he’s got other ‘people’ he’d rather be with.

Yes, I’m well aware that all sounds horrible and probably jealous or whatever but if I felt that I got half of the nice words that others got this wouldn’t seem so futile to me. Maybe I am a masochist or maybe God is still mad at me. I have no idea because I really can’t understand why THIS makes me feel as bad as it does. Sometimes, I feel like, since he’s working on his life and he’s getting to a better place that I’m a starter friendship or that I’m the test subject. I still feels so very replaceable which is the worst word EVER to use in a friendship and I’ve never used it before for any other.

I miss those days I was a cold hearted bitch that didn’t give a shit. I miss the days when his actions didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I miss the days when he didn’t make me cry. I miss the days when it meant more to write about the boy on Saturday who WANTED to spend time with me verses the boy who just didn’t have anything else to do that night. I miss the days when I wasn’t a Sunday and half-ass Wednesday girls. I think I’m still pretty envious of the other nights of the week girls in his world.

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