Something wicked this way comes…

This weekend has seriously been strange. The “I’m not ok with this” strange. A sort of “Something wicked this way comes” strange. I can’t really even describe things better than than though. Instances, occurrences and events have put me in a strange mood.

After a bit to drink last night and an enjoyable evening I came home late and wrote. I wrote first on paper so I could get it all out and it really did just keep coming all out. Then I formulated a better plan and rewrote on the computer and almost hit send… What was this life changing letter that I was writing? Well, it was my “break-up” letter to THE friend.

It occurred to me while I’m in the middle of this heartfelt, crushing, emotional letter basically saying all the things I’ve ever wanted to say but didn’t know how, I was literally ONLY writing this for an audience of one. Me. The more and more I wrote this the more and more I got angry because I realized that if he ever actually cared, I’d never have to write this. If he’d ever actually cared I’d never felt as shitty as I did in that very moment. If he ever actually cared I wouldn’t have felt like it was his favorite past time to rip out my heart whenever he could.

That’s all giving him a lot of power and I understand that it was too much responsibility. He can’t take care of himself so asking for him to take care of my heart was way too much. You know once, when I told him that I still had feelings for him his reply was, “I feel betrayed. I thought you’d taken care of that shit.” I should have know then that I couldn’t have given my heart to someone any less deserving of it.

There has always been over a thousand reasons why hanging around in this “friendship” was a terrible idea but I was so sure that WE were meant for more than we ever actually were. I’ve allowed this guy to steal my happiness when we were never really friends. Do you know how sad that is?

Things have gotten just so bad in my mind that there’s nothing to be done. I am miserable when he’s not here but I’m even more miserable when he is because he could care less that I’m the one he’s with in that moment. He’ll never treat this friendship or me even close to the way it should be. Lastly, whatever joy this relationship ever brought to me died along time ago.

I realized just how much happier I am in other circles and just how much my true self shines around others. I’m the life of the party. I’m enjoying every moment with others. I’m not questioning “why” they’re there. I’m not worried that as soon as they get something they need or want then they’re gone. I’m not worried around everyone else. My heart isn’t breaking around everyone else. I’m not left feeling like an invisible piece of shit with anyone else.

I tried to remember last night the last time I felt good about “us”. It was over three years ago. That’s way too long. Then, I tried to remember what or when it was that things changed. I can’t even point that out anymore but what did come to mind was all these moments in this “shitty movie montage” of all the times when I ended up crying or angry or just plain feeling like shit about “us” or myself or the evening or whatever.

This is the first time that I’m realizing that these roadblocks that are between us will never move, in fact, they’ll only get worse. It’s not fixable anymore and I don’t actually think that I want to fix things. I don’t think there’s enough superglue in this entire world that will fix all our broken bits together.

I don’t remember when I stopped being a strong independent woman when it came to him but when that did happen is when I should have realized that a boy should fan the flames of an independent woman and not stomp them out.

I am officially done with feeling sad or angry about something that I put so much into. I know that’s been said before but there’s been a real change. Trust me. The second job interview. The other friend and some words of wisdom from other friends have just made me realize that by attaching myself to lost causes, I’m bringing myself down and miserable. Just to be clear I do not think that HE is a lost cause, I think that WE are a lost cause.

So after all that thought went into the breakup letter and I was just about to hit send so that it slips out of my mind and into the universe to end up in his email only to be ignore as he does so many other things for week. I realized that on the off chance he did read it I didn’t want him to have a crappy weekend because of that…. WOW. I’m awesome. Course then I realized that, again, he’d still never see things through my eyes. He’d pull some bullshit and send me some angry vindictive text messages about how I suck and how everything is really my fault somehow.

None of any of that matters now. I’ve been immune to his “charm” this entire time and have only been running off some emotions that our combined energy brought into this world that others felt as well in the beginning. That was enough to bring me this far but has now finally reached empty. I told you that my weekend has been strange.

I suppose I’ll keep you all informed as to what I end up doing but by typical calculations I maybe or may not hear from him in a week or two, possible three. By then, maybe I’ll have figured out the best way to have the most need finale ever. It sucks that the most needed things to do in the world are also the hardest but I suppose those are the adult things we all have to do at some point. I just wished I wasn’t the only one that is going to hurt like hell.

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Worlds disappearing after the collision…

It’s been a little while since my birthday weekend and all that came up about that. Still think about the bad things occasionally but I try to think about the good of it all much more. I have actually been thinking about a whole lotta stuff lately.

So there’s one thing that I’ve not told anyone yet. I had my second phone interview today with an owner of a business in another city. While I typically get asked at least once a month if I’d like to work somewhere this one is different. First, a friend of my brothers had been asking me if I’d like to worth with him and that kind of led me to this other job. Which is kind of how all my jobs have fallen into place.

I don’t want to jinx it so I won’t tell you too much but I’ve never been so serious about leaving here as I am right now. I am tired of so much bullshit here from my boss to THE friend. It’s all I can do to not pack my shit right now and leave.

Currently, my boss is worse than he’s ever been. I found it hard to believe that his narcissism could have actually gotten worse but it did and I’m sick of it. I can not wait for the day that I can tell him to go eff himself for good. It will probably be one of the most satisfying acts I’ll ever accomplish.

THE friend, well he’s done nothing more than just be himself which is kind of the last straw. I’m so sick and tired of pining for someone that is just so fucking clueless as to the rest of the world aside from him and his little bubble of dating addiction. I think that it would actually take him the longest out of anyone to realize that I don’t live here anymore. One day when he realizes that he’s not eaten, charged his phone, or watched a show or two he’ll remember “that chick that used to give him stuff one a month so he could continue on with the rest of his world without her in it until he runs out again.”

I do realize that in THE friend and my relationship I don’t really give him much in the way of emotions, trust or anything concrete anymore. There was once a time long ago that I think I did but after realize just how many times he’s actually had me questioning my sanity when it comes to my emotions there’s not really any reason why I want. However, with that said, there’s so much that I don’t let him in on because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed without even trying.

So on the day my actual birthday rolls around everyone and their brother had been texting me… Except, you guessed it, THE friend. So not even a peep or a two word text did I get… NOTHING. I realize that, in his mind we did the whole birthday thing the weekend before but it would have been nice to have been actually acknowledged on the actual day. Regardless, I had plans the night of my birthday to go out with the guy I’ve been seeing for fun. I was starting to feel really bad, I was coming down with the flu, and told him that I wanted to take a nap first.

Well, since I’d passed out for such a long time and didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls in a timely manner he showed up to check on me. We ended up just staying at my place and celebrating in a rather fun way. We passed out though and woke up around 3 am to someone trying to break in to my bedroom window. My friend jumped up and took off outside in his underwear with bare feet. After calling the cops and waiting most of the night for the maintenance men to “fix” the window by covering it with cardboard it was around six before things settled down again or enough to try to sleep.

At this point, there was glass inside the window, a cold chill and no replacement window coming until the next day. My friend asked if I wanted to try to sleep again but I couldn’t in the bedroom so we went on my couch and he managed to maneuver us in such a way he actually held me until I feel asleep for a few solid hours. What was more impressive is that I let him.

There was no way that I was going to go to work until my window had been fixed so I told my boss I wasn’t coming in. His response was that he’d pay to have it fixed because he couldn’t lose me for one day. It would have been a great reaction if it wasn’t entirely self-serving. So fucking sick of self-serving people in my life. But there I was with a friend that had also called in sick and we spent most of the day chilling on the couch twisted up together because he could visually see that I wasn’t ok.

That’s another thing about him that I like, every time he sees me “space out” or can see my mind wondering he brings me back with the best kisses ever. He’s a good guy. I’m not supposed to talk about things that are working well because it’s possible that that causes things to fuck up. I don’t know where I heard that but I tend to believe that now. I’d miss him I think. Him and my GBF I’d miss.

But moving on… So since that happened I haven’t slept in my own bedroom. I haven’t really eaten well and my mind has just been fucked up basically. I haven’t let my friend stay here since then but I have stayed with him. I like his place better because it’s not mine. The other reason I like staying with him is because we always get up and go to the gym on the weekends. Maybe I’ll get him to walk a trail with me soon.

I also like just being out in the world with him. We go to these dive bars around town and listen to new bands. We’ve gone to restaurant openings. We’ve gone to two concerts that I would have normally taken THE friend to but I realized a while ago that even just on a friend level we’ll never be even, THE friend and I.

There was certainly a moment when I was cozy on the couch with my friend that I wished it was THE friend and the same thing happened at the concerts, festivals and a couple other things too except I just remembered that on nothing but a friendship level THE friend can’t even compare to my friend.

A typical evening with THE friend includes feelings of inadequacies, feeling lonely right next to him, feeling like every other person in the world matters in spades more than I do. I am constantly feeling as thought which ever girl he’s talking to in that moment will be the one that he replaces our time with… again. He makes me feels as though our time together is just a means to an end to get something that he needs in order to make himself better for someone else. FUCK THAT…

A typical evening with my friend is feeling loved, happy and important. I never feel used or that I’m a placeholder to something or something else. He makes me feel like the only person that matters in that moment that we’re together. He actually asks questions that he WANTS to know the answers to and his actions are never hurtful. His words are always kind and positive. He doesn’t wait seven hours to reply to me. He doesn’t reach out only for some self-serving reason. There’s no underlying reason for his kindness EVER.

Now that THE friend has gotten something that he needed from me, it will be another 2, 3 or even 4 weeks before I see him again. It’s literally like clockwork. Every single time. I’m not sure when I thought any of his actions were a reason for me to stay around. I honestly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is actually really fucking lucky to have me in his life and yet he has no clue to this. How quickly things fade away for him. Maybe one day I’ll be so drunk that I’ll share all of this with him and also tell him that his friends talk… a lot. Maybe one day I’ll tell him just how fucking horrible he makes me feel and just how little he actually had to do to not… He will miss me when I’m gone. That is for sure, but he’ll get the chance to see that sooner than later. I’m so fucking done.

They say that true love and loyal friends are two of the hardest things to find. THE friend had both in me and he never actually treated the love or the friendship the way he should of. The end of this has never been my fault.

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Grace, denial and other thoughts swimming in my head tonight…

Compliments… They are a necessary thing or they should be. When I meet a new person I try to compliment at least one thing to make them feel good. It’s actually a sales technique. Tonight, sitting with friends for dinner, we were on the last part of the evening. I was being embarrassed by compliments. I was being told that I was graceful and had some sort of old time elegant and right at that moment I spilled my ginger ale all over myself, the table and the floor. If that’s not irony I’m not sure what is then.

But that’s mostly my life. Just when there’s something good happening it is usually followed by something at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Like the new guy. This is a perfect example. Just when I decide to move things along and to commit, he’s has to stay in California longer. This concludes me to the following thoughts: First, I am now completely aware as to why he’s single. Second, I now understand why the friend that was required for us to meet was so meticulous in telling me about how the new guys work consumes him. Is this my red flag? Another week to dwell on my thoughts instead of jumping right in? What exactly does fate have in store?

His vocal conversations with me are still appreciated and I’ve shared as much (or as little) as I care to prior to seeing him again. I am also a big fan of following your dreams and helping others follow theirs. For the people I hold the closest to me I would travel the world to help with whatever they needed. He’s no yet in that circle but we shall see.

The conversation last night was nice. We talked about music a lot. I explained to him that music was the first love of my life and it never hurt me. Nothing could really follow that. Of course that brought up the other loves our lives conversation and that’s where I chose to be a bit more silent. You can impress me with your knowledge of LP, Velvet Underground or Sonic Youth but don’t ask questions that you’re not willing to know the answers to yet. That is just my thoughts.

On another note, yesterday was supposed to be THE friend and my “weekly night”. We’d skipped the week before for his reasons and if you read my posts you’ll see that I wasn’t happy about it. I’ve said this before as well, I don’t mind canceling plans. Things change, shit happens. What I mind is how it was done but that’s a story for another night.

So this time around he’d actually texted quite a bit early than normal which I appreciate but I declined the offer. The reasons I told him were all true. I WAS planning on sleeping early and I did wake up feeling like I’d French kissed a freight train. But I knew as the day went on that I’d feel better. My reasoning also had nothing to do with the night before… Well, I’m not sure if it did.

I feel like there’s so much between us that’s unresolved, like there’s just this wall. I knew that I didn’t have the energy to sit there and try to ignore the fact that he would be ignoring me again or that we have those unresolved things between us. I also knew that we wouldn’t talk about them because even on the ONE occasion that HE wanted to get together to come to some sort of compromise he’d came over and still completely ignored the issues. I can’t do that nor can I sit idly by while he was laughing with friends over social media all while not even acknowledging my presents.

And here’s the thing. I knew that I’d be sad to have not seen him but later on my GBF had sent me a text and said, “So do you have company there?” My GBF has never met him, of course, but he knows that there is someone here on Sunday’s. I’d replied to him by saying “No I told him another night”. He also knows that THE friend and I are going though ‘something’ Because this is several Sunday’s in a row that I’ve chosen that night to go out to dinner with my GBF instead of not making plans so I could get in the right frame of mind to see THE friend.

Since my GBF doesn’t know much of our story he’s always rooted for THE friend and I to work things out. The GBF knows that THE friend used to make me so very happy that he liked that in him. So after a little bit of encouraging “you’ll work things out” messages I said, “the kid wants easy. Apparently I’m not easy enough.” Then to follow it up I also said something that I realize is an epiphany that I’ve subconsciously know for a long time. I said, “I’m happier alone tonight than if he was sitting right next to me ignoring me.”

That was one of those things that I was so afraid of admitting to myself. I was always scared to break plans knowing that I’d be the one who was upset and crying at the end of the night because it was more important to just have him in my space at that very moment. See, there’s that damn fear again stopping me from doing something that needed to be done.

But now, I realize that he can have his Sunday’s back to give to another girl who he can actually talk to. Who he doesn’t ignore and who he treats so much better than me. I have finally released him from any obligation that he seems to think he has. He no longer has to feel as though he has to keep an appointment with someone that he so obviously has nothing to say to.

In a very deep space inside my heart I felt like he would feel the tension between us and realize that we are broken. Not me but the ship we’ve have together is broken but I felt like if it truly mattered then he’s fight. He’d fight for it like I used to fight for it. There’s a reason why people say that they need to spend “quality time” together and not just time. Just showing up is no longer good enough.

The entire thought of this brings tears to my eyes because there’s nothing left in me to fight and there was never any in him to fight. I barely have the energy to breath on some days let alone hold on to a failing relationship when the other person has always, already had both feet out of it. I’m not the girl that chases after you. It’s just that simple. And now I realize that being alone is always better than being with someone and being ignored. It’s come to this. That is sad because I would still do anything for THE friend who thought of me as nothing.

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Early weekend posting, just some thoughts…

For some reason I had the desire to write something in the middle of my Saturday. It’s going to be a busy weekend. There’s three festivals that are going on and I’m going to all plus it should be a late night and I’m looking forward to each and every single bit of it. There will be lots of things to do, lots of places to go and lots of friends to see.

Whiling planning my weekend I was still a bit upset over the happenings of what happened the other day with THE friend until I realized something. I’d still not gotten a reply to my emotional heartfelt text I’d sent but about 12 minutes after I’d sent that his conversation was so far down on my texts because so many others had sent messages about getting together, having dinner, making plans or just to see what was up and how my day was going, that I didn’t even see it any longer. Didn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about it but still realizing that I was giving it way more thought that he was so what’s the point.

Then, after just having complained that all he does is come over eat my food and ignore me, I see his shopping list for me. Um, no. So let me get this straight… You couldn’t care less to text me back. You ate my last of everything that I like to eat. You don’t want to do anything but stair at my TV or computer. You never want to do anything fun, keep any promise you’ve said to me or even consider me enough of a friend to have a fucking conversation with…. After what I’ve done and keep doing. Are you serious?

So it literally comes down to this. He’d rather spend time with others making some sort of social media memories but when it comes to this friendship he treats it the absolute worst that I’ve ever been treated and then he still expects me to buy his groceries, keep him fed and I’m the only one that’s remotely bothered, upset or emotional about it.

It is official. I have finally reached my limit. I have finally realized that this one sided friendship does absolutely nothing for me any longer. I’ve never been as honest with another human being as I have with him. I’ve never been as forgiving and kind with another human being as him and for some stupid reason I’ve assumed that his lack of care and concern for me was because I actually didn’t do enough. I’d taken his feelings into consideration so many times and thought them more important than my own thinking, at some point, things would change. I’d excused his actions away so many times but it just hit me like a brick that he treats everyone else better than he does me. That’s is a maddening fact to actually start to realize and yes it’s hurtful. When I think about it too much I feel like my heart is being ripped open or stabbed.

I’m sure I need to asked my therapist why this was so important to me to believe that there was a point to this and that I wasn’t just done with it all so long ago when I realized that this meant nothing to him. I’m still not a person who believes it’s ok to speak badly about someone to our mutual friends and if they ever ask about him I will still give them all the same answer, “I don’t know. You’d know more than I would”.

We’ll be done, he’ll get to walk away from this relationship that he treats so poorly with a cash bonus of anything that I’ve ever done and he’s never paid back and he’ll have his once a month appointment open again to go find some other woman that he can treat better than me. I’ll stop feeling like I’ve not done enough, like I’m not good enough and I’ll stop feeling like I don’t matter because I’m the only one crying over this shit or ship.

Now that is out of my system I’m going to finish getting ready, put on a smile and go be out in the world with friends that matter. I’m looking forward to a full weekend with true friends, good times and days that don’t end in me in my bedroom with the door closed crying over someone that was the most important to all while being the least important thing to him.

This blog was never supposed to be about the man who repeatedly broke my heart. It was always about me finding a man that held it love and care. That’s all about to change now. I am at peace with my decision and will finally break this cycle. I’m off to have a blessed weekend.

If you take nothing else from this, please treat EVERYONE with love, care and importance. Even when someone treats you poorly just smile, pray for them and move on. It certainly feels like a different day today. Maybe my horoscope was right this morning.

I couldn’t actually choose just one quote to post so I’m posting the one’s the hurt the most.

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