OCD overdrive and other rambling thoughts…

It’s officially, maybe it’s the full moon but my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. I started to put things away, then noticed my makeup was messy so I started cleaning that up which turned into needing my electric screwdriver which I can’t find anywhere. Now it’s 11 pm and I am so ampped up that it’s crazy.

I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. This weekend is the start of my birthday celebration month. Yes, I get a whole month because I want it. I’m not too excited about the actual birthday itself but I am excited that I get to see a bunch of people to celebrate it. Even if I didn’t have all these plans to look forward to my mind is in cleaning and organizing everything.

Everywhere I look either at home, in my car or at work I just want to straighten things up or throw away a bunch of stuff. I’m not sure if this is my way of cleansing for the new year or if I truly am in need of a distraction right now. However, being distracted does help curb those less than awesome feelings I was having before the year ended.

It’s the little things that I think about that make me feel sad sometimes. It’s the fact that I’m in the exact same place, same job, same home, same body as last year. I want things to change up so much. I am focused on this being a great year but so far it’s been a whole lot of routine so that I can get better. I am aware of the phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. That can be applied to a whole lot of things in my life.

The other thing that was starting to get to me was thinking about my friend that I wrote about yesterday. It’s not so much of him per say but it’s more about the sort of relationship that I want to have in my life right now. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not normal and neither are my relationships. If I was I’d have settled down by now and have that 2.5 kids, dog, husband and a white picket fence but that’s not who I am.

That’s not to say that I don’t crave normal but it’s at constant odds with my need for different. I’ve said this before but it’s the little things that I want. I want someone to bring me my coffee the way I like it in the morning after some really hot morning sex. I want someone who’s by my side encouraging me to do things that I don’t think I can do. I want someone that will use the other half of my gym membership since I’m paying for it anyway and come sweat with me after work.

See, it’s the simplistic things. If I could put all the things I’ve like about each boy in a blender I’d have the perfect guy. I’d have a guy that writes me silly little post it notes and leaves them for me to find around the house. I’d have a guy that gets frustrated with me about my silly little habits like throwing the empty toilet paper roll close to the trash can but secretly likes it because it’s a thing I do. I’d have a guy that already knows my order from our favorite restaurant. The big stuff is less important to me than the small things. Like I said, there’s little pieces of perfection in every guy I’ve known. That’s why they’ve been in my life.

That’s another part of life right now. Even though I have options, there are no men that I am romantically interested in. That feels a little empty. All the flirting is the same, all the drinks are with the same and all the jokes have already been told and re-told. This goes back to my aversion to normal but the necessity to have it in my life right now.

I’d love to cash in all my stocks and bonds and CD’s and just fly somewhere remote. I’d love to start something new right now. I need another reason to smile aside from just because I have to every morning to help start the day.

While I was writing in my gratitude journal the other day I wrote, “I’m grateful for sex”. I know, you’re shocked right? But after I wrote that I realized that it was no longer about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love that part but it’s also about the comfort and feelings that come with just an embrace or a kiss… Doesn’t even have to turn into that but I miss that part of relationships. See, another thing that I took for granted for years.

I will say this though, I’ve gotten into this calming routine right before bed which I am also grateful for. It’s really a single girl thing but it involves a cleansing ritual, a writing ritual and a bedtime ritual. While doing that tonight I’m winding down enough to calm down a bit. It’s my tiny bit of self-indulgent peace for the day. I say that as I get just a little stressed looking at my almost 600 emails that I need to go through.

I am grateful tonight for past boyfriends that gave me something to miss, of the simple things in life and of the great friends that all want to do something spectacular for my birthday. What are you grateful right now?

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Taking my mind off things…

For days now I’ve been attempting to take my mind off what’s going on outside my bubble. My tiny little home bubble. Dates didn’t work, working out only worked while I was doing it, movies barely. So the last couple days I’ve been diving into cleaning and organizing and fixing shit.

This little endeavor which actually seemed a lot less a few days ago probably started from me pinning something on some site that made me think “Oh, that should be fun”. That actually led me to dump all my clothes out on the floor and start going through all of them again to donate. Then, because I have OCD and ADD and I’m sure a bunch of other acronymed crap, makes me move on to a thousand different things at once.

But anyway, the point is I’m actively looking for something to de-stress, de-clutter and blur my mind for a moment or two. One other thing that I started to do is to make Christmas lists for people I’m buying for. I know this seems a bit too early but I’ve a giver… I like to give good gifts. One of my ideas this year is to bundle so stuff from the year they were born like movie, record, candy, magazine and book. Sounds almost cool right? Well it was until I got to my niece. I searched for the most popular book from 2012 and came up with (drum roll please) Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m not giving my niece that book. It’s bad enough that I’ll have to admit to her one day that I actually read that diatribe of crap.

But it’s still a fun process of looking for the best thing to give each person. I’ve said this before but in my family, that’s how we either show we care OR we show the other person just how much we don’t know about them by buying them the most horrible stuff. Moving on though…

So even at work I was tired of getting all these news stories that were depressing and Taylor Swift’s life is not anywhere near breaking news to me so I came home at lunch, changed into my workout clothes and went back to work to move a bunch of heavy shit around that wasn’t even my job but I was tired of seeing chaos all around me. It’s typically human nature to try to fix things that are broken or chaotic around you, or at least it is with me. I just want to fix shit, people, things… What ever is around.

I’m also trying to take my mind of a mini-little surgery I’m having on Friday. I have a shard of bone, from a previous injury (long sad story) that is stabbing my nerve in my mouth… All that sounds awesome right? So I’m going in Friday afternoon to have this done. Now, a normal person would probably ask someone for help. They’d probably say, “Hey I need you to pick me up and take me home and just randomly check to make sure I haven’t swallowed my tongue or something but who ever said I was normal? Why is it so freaking hard for me to ask for help?

The only people that know I’m doing this is my BFF because she’s my beneficiary in case anything happens and my boss because he’d wonder where I was if he ever showed up. Sometimes I wish I could just be more girly, not that that is a girly thing but that is the main reason why I need a man that will force me to take care of myself or he will for me. I need someone who will always look out for my best interests because apparently I have a hard time doing that for myself. I have no problem doing that in return but it’s the whole, “asking for help” thing.

Blah, broken record anyway. By the time the “one” I’m supposed to be with shows up I’ll be too tired for him anyway. I’d probably say “Seriously, it’s taken you this long to find me? Lets just have sex and then you can go”. Come on now, I still know what’s most important 🙂

So apparently all I have on my mind is cleaning, organizing and sex now. But instead of cleaning up my bedroom, that I’ve trashed, for some fun, I’ll be cleaning it up so I don’t trip on anything in my post-surgery coma I plan to be in. But you know me, my weekends never go as planned. We shall see. I really just want something completely unexpectedly awesome to happen because now I feel like I’m just cheating all of you with boring thoughts lately… I wish I had fireworks.

That’s all folks…

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Bland days and my OCDness…

Today has been an utterly bland day. Nothing crazy at work, came home after, watched a bit of TV, worked out. Absolutely nothing of any importance happened today. Sometimes my horoscope just makes me laugh. It’s a lot like the weatherman, mostly wrong but strangely interesting to listen to. Well, actually it said something about ‘if you choose to stay home today that’s ok but if you don’t you might just met the next love of your life’ or some other BS. And shockingly, I still stayed in.

One main reason that I stayed home tonight is because my body has been betraying me lately. I’m not sure if it’s because my sleep sucks, my change in health habits or emotional stress but it’s not been feeling right for a few days. I do notice that when I am under emotional stress, anger, sadness or pain my OCD goes crazy or crazier.

I don’t really remember being this OCD about things as a kid. It’s gotten worse through the years and it mainly focuses on numbers. I suppose that’s why I became an accountant, sort of (one of my many hats). My number is five. Someone told me once that this is a God number. I don’t really know what that meant but she said it was good. This started out to be a volume thing. If the TV or radio had a number volume it had to be on something divisible by five. But lately, I’ve been counting my steps a lot. If I’m at work and go outside for a bit I have to walk 500 steps. If I’m sitting at home I have to get up and walk 1,000 steps every hour.

It usually happens only when I’m alone and I’m sure there’s some sort of therapy to learn from this but if I don’t do those things I don’t go crazy or anything. I don’t really have any other OCD moments. I don’t have to turn the knob 4 times or check the stove 8 times or anything. I am usually paranoid that I’ve left my hair straightener on but I assume that’s a fear that a lot of women probably have.

Even feeling let down by my body today, I still ran and I do feel better now. While I was running I remembered that the Oscars are this weekend. This will be a year that I’ve seen more of the Oscar nominated movies than ever before and I’ve seen them with THE friend. He’s the only person I go to the movies with. Some of the movies were great and some not so much. I’m usually someone who has to have things blowing up or lots of sex in a movie to keep my attention but that’s one thing that he’s done for me. I’ve entertained seeing a lot more movies that I might never have seen if it weren’t for him.

One of those movies that kind of stuck with me and for some reason I think about a lot is Anomalisa. At first, I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. It kind of struck a nerve in me for some reason but I understood the main character. It also kind of reminded me of THE friend too. There’s a guy with a mundane life who sees everyone as the same person, there’s no quality that makes them different than the next. Then he meets a girl, thinks she’s amazing but she becomes just like everyone else after a while. It’s a movie that’ll might make you think. Again, for some reason it’s stuck with me.

If my body feels the way it does right now I think I’ll take this weekend to watch some of the rest of the Oscar movies and just melt into my couch for a while. I thought about thinking up some drinking game to watch the award show to but then I realize that drinking never really goes well for me lately so that’s probably not a great idea. Maybe I’ll do something else to entertain myself.

So, boring post tonight. I’d apologize but sometimes I just need to have a boring night or two to even things out so I’m ok with it. There’s still and hour and 20 minutes left of tonight. Maybe that ‘love of my life’ horoscope thing will still come true. Ha, kidding.

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Weekend’s Nurturing Nature…

I’ve, at this moment, decided against the music festival, unless absolutely coerced tomorrow. I had this horrible nightmare that I’d be out there in the cold and probably catch the flu, right before having to travel for Christmas. This did not appeal to me at all. That’s not to say that my weekend, or at least my Saturday still instant booked like crazy though. At this point I’ll be running around like a mad woman tomorrow and then come home to just chill out for the rest of the weekend. Maybe some cooking, cleaning or something nurturing is in the cards. Apparently, “they” say that right before women ovulate (sorry guys) they start to nest or organize or rearrange and that is all kicking in full force right now, for some reason.

While I spent my day at work, doing a bit of running around after, I’ve been really focused on chunking crap away. But here’s where my OCD comes in. I pulled out all the Christmas wrapping paper from the back of the closet, brought it to the living room and went back to organize the closet. Then I started going through shoes which soon turned into folding my t-shirts which made me realize that I’d inadvertently purchased a shirt for my friend that I don’t see anymore. That made me sad so I refolded and stuffed in the back of the drawer.

That made me a bit sad that we will end this year not having seen each other for three / four months and that might just lead to forever. But then I realize that I’d prayed to God and asked that if my friend not be in my life for the right reasons then to not have him in my life at all. Then that made me sad that if my prayers were actually answered it was because I’d feared the worst and it came true. But then I started cleaning again, and wrapping and keeping busy to not think about it at all because I’m tired of being sad. 

It’s gotten easier to have not seen him but it still makes me miss the fun we used to have. It might actually be the hardest thing I’ve done, to stay away and not reach out, knowing that I’m going to always have feelings for him. It would probably be horrible for him to know that of all the boys and out of the two loves of my life he was the biggest or most profound. I still have no idea why either. Just something that I felt, connected or intimate. Regardless, that’s an old chapter that’s been read over and closed for a while now. On to other less intense things now.

So, I’m almost done wrapping and have a few stops left on this crazy “getting ready for Christmas” journey but I feel good about it this year. Even though I’ve stayed busy with people, shopping and other crap I’ve still managed to have “me” time. I’m sure by the time it’s all over I’ll just collapse in my bed for at least a day.

One thing that’s on the agenda, over the holiday, is that my BFF and I are going to sit down and come up with some life goals or try to fix each others lives a bit. These WILL NOT be resolutions. They will be permanent changes. I’m ready for some permanent changes in my life, whether it’s a move, a job change or something. Stagnation is not acceptable for me and I’ve been stagnant for too long. I have a feeling it’ll be a long conversation between the two of us. Our lives have been pretty effed up lately.

So that’s my rambling tonight or I should say morning since it’s 3:30 in the am on Saturday. I’ve got some more wrapping to do tonight then up at 10 to start my day. Hope you are all having a great weekend.

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