It’s officially, maybe it’s the full moon but my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. I started to put things away, then noticed my makeup was messy so I started cleaning that up which turned into needing my electric screwdriver which I can’t find anywhere. Now it’s 11 pm and I am so ampped up that it’s crazy.
I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. This weekend is the start of my birthday celebration month. Yes, I get a whole month because I want it. I’m not too excited about the actual birthday itself but I am excited that I get to see a bunch of people to celebrate it. Even if I didn’t have all these plans to look forward to my mind is in cleaning and organizing everything.
Everywhere I look either at home, in my car or at work I just want to straighten things up or throw away a bunch of stuff. I’m not sure if this is my way of cleansing for the new year or if I truly am in need of a distraction right now. However, being distracted does help curb those less than awesome feelings I was having before the year ended.
It’s the little things that I think about that make me feel sad sometimes. It’s the fact that I’m in the exact same place, same job, same home, same body as last year. I want things to change up so much. I am focused on this being a great year but so far it’s been a whole lot of routine so that I can get better. I am aware of the phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. That can be applied to a whole lot of things in my life.
The other thing that was starting to get to me was thinking about my friend that I wrote about yesterday. It’s not so much of him per say but it’s more about the sort of relationship that I want to have in my life right now. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not normal and neither are my relationships. If I was I’d have settled down by now and have that 2.5 kids, dog, husband and a white picket fence but that’s not who I am.
That’s not to say that I don’t crave normal but it’s at constant odds with my need for different. I’ve said this before but it’s the little things that I want. I want someone to bring me my coffee the way I like it in the morning after some really hot morning sex. I want someone who’s by my side encouraging me to do things that I don’t think I can do. I want someone that will use the other half of my gym membership since I’m paying for it anyway and come sweat with me after work.
See, it’s the simplistic things. If I could put all the things I’ve like about each boy in a blender I’d have the perfect guy. I’d have a guy that writes me silly little post it notes and leaves them for me to find around the house. I’d have a guy that gets frustrated with me about my silly little habits like throwing the empty toilet paper roll close to the trash can but secretly likes it because it’s a thing I do. I’d have a guy that already knows my order from our favorite restaurant. The big stuff is less important to me than the small things. Like I said, there’s little pieces of perfection in every guy I’ve known. That’s why they’ve been in my life.
That’s another part of life right now. Even though I have options, there are no men that I am romantically interested in. That feels a little empty. All the flirting is the same, all the drinks are with the same and all the jokes have already been told and re-told. This goes back to my aversion to normal but the necessity to have it in my life right now.
I’d love to cash in all my stocks and bonds and CD’s and just fly somewhere remote. I’d love to start something new right now. I need another reason to smile aside from just because I have to every morning to help start the day.
While I was writing in my gratitude journal the other day I wrote, “I’m grateful for sex”. I know, you’re shocked right? But after I wrote that I realized that it was no longer about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love that part but it’s also about the comfort and feelings that come with just an embrace or a kiss… Doesn’t even have to turn into that but I miss that part of relationships. See, another thing that I took for granted for years.
I will say this though, I’ve gotten into this calming routine right before bed which I am also grateful for. It’s really a single girl thing but it involves a cleansing ritual, a writing ritual and a bedtime ritual. While doing that tonight I’m winding down enough to calm down a bit. It’s my tiny bit of self-indulgent peace for the day. I say that as I get just a little stressed looking at my almost 600 emails that I need to go through.
I am grateful tonight for past boyfriends that gave me something to miss, of the simple things in life and of the great friends that all want to do something spectacular for my birthday. What are you grateful right now?