New Beginnings and The standard New Years post…

New Years Eve was a blast. There was alcohol, friends and new goals put in place. It was a great night that was salted with the abundance of friends, family and loved ones texting throughout the night wishing blessing upon blessing of good luck, health and happiness in the new year. There were many toasts and many things to be happy for and about.

We also observed many traditions, some where new and some I’ve been doing for years. The first one is to write about all the things that basically sucked about the year. This is to be done before midnight and we burned the list. Forgiveness and letting go is the basic mentality. Then, at midnight, we rush to eat 12 grapes symbolizing 12 months of good luck. Do you know how hard it is to shove 12 grapes in your mouth by 12:01. I’ve got a small mouth, which was confirmed by my dentist not my friends. Then we toasted with champagne, ate round fruit, kissed whatever we could find all while wearing new, red and pink polka dotted undies. The final tradition is to eat the “Good Luck” soup recipe that I concocted several years ago from several different recipes. While we do this, we’re writing our goals for the new year. It was quite a bit to do, in the span of just a few moments but it’s all done to ensure that the luck, prosperity and love will find us in the new year.

At the end of the day, I realize that we make up our own luck. It’s not about black eyed peas, grapes or new panties. It’s about how we choose to feel, how we choose to act and the things we choose to focus on through the year. And while it doesn’t erase everything that you actually want it to it still sets the ground work for a new year. That’s my whole processes this year, to make myself the best me I can be and not for anyone else. I need to do this because I don’t like to fail. I’m a control freak and things got out of control last year. I focused a lot on what I’d lost or things that I didn’t have any control over instead of focusing on the one thing that I can control and that’s me.

This isn’t about an entire overhaul because, truth is, I like myself and if the onslaught of texts at midnight was any indication of anything, many others have me in their hearts as well. This warms my slightly chilly heart. This makes me realize that one person, not wanting me in his life right now doesn’t matter because there’s way too many others that do. It also made me realize that if he ever wants to come back into my life then there’s absolutely room because I was sad to not have heard from him at midnight. So, he’ll never know this but he was thought of and fondly. There’s no negative emotions left because I left them in the last year.

I’m spending less of this year focus on the “dreams” that others suggested and shoved in my head. The dreams that I wanted but knew, deep down, would never come to fruition. I’m letting whatever happen, happen and I’m going to be “in the moment” more than ever. Being in the moment is something that I’ve always had problems with and sometimes it was because I was trying to distract myself from the moment that I was in but mostly it’s because I got bored easily. I’ve not gotten on to social media for months and that will continue. I’m not going to be distracted by texts, emails or calls while I’m spending time with others and I’m going to give myself a break when things do go as I expected them too.

I’m also not going to expect things or have any expectations. There’s no point in setting anything up for failure but rather I’d be surprised if a situation turns into something that was unexpectedly awesome. This leads me to another tradition that was started this year. One of the things that we had to write down was our favorite memories from last year and I realized that I had a hard time remembering anything. I couldn’t think of LOL moments, great times or my happiest memories. So, the Jar challenged was born. And when I say “born” I mean that it was stolen from pinterest or borrowed.

Basically we received large mason jars and in each one were tiny post it notes and a pen. The rules are these: Each time you receive a surprise gift, accomplish a goal, find the beauty in nature, have an actual LOL moment, a memory that you want to remember, a blessing or anything that made you smile you write it down on the post it and put it in a jar and you read them back next New Years Eve instead of focusing on the bad. I like this idea because it will remind me that my life isn’t as negative as I think it is or that good things happen to whether they are far between or not.

So, all in all, it was a great way to spend the end of an old year and the beginning of a new year. Now, my living room is full of clothes to go through. My wunderlist is full of to-do’s and my heart is full of love. I’m a big ball of fuzzy love today, which is actually the 2nd right now. I figure, you’ve got one day to recover from the year before and the 2nd is where it all starts.

I also need to focus on the fact that I can’t control anything else, that instant gratification is for immaturity and that I’m allowed to not be perfect. The people around me are not perfect and I love them just the same. But I do love the idea of revamping everything around me that I can control.

So, that’s my New Years day post. My wish is that you had an amazing night and that you were safe yet had a blast as well and if not, even if you had a low key night or even spent the evening with you, it doesn’t mean that your year will be filled with the same. No matter how you spent your night I send you all a blessing of a great new year, great memories and may your Jar project be overflowing with some of the greatest memories of your lifetime. I have extra jars and extra good luck soup if you need it.

Have a great night!

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Letter to my future husband… (That I’ve not met yet)

There are things that I’ve realized over the last few weeks, there’s love, care and concern all over the place, if you choose to look for it. Just when you least expect it, when someone is at their worst, people gather and prove what it is to be great. Sometimes it’s sad that it has to be when someone hits rock bottom but still amazing to see nonetheless. As I’m watching and witnessing all this love around me I started to write this letter in my head. It’s to a man that I’ve not met yet.

Dear future Husband,

My first disclaimer is that regardless of my track record, if I love you and you ask, I will say yes this time. I ask that you be an honest, caring and compassionate person. You put others needs in front of your own. You need not be rich nor the most handsome man on the planet. You will need to be tolerant of my bitchiness in the morning, my need to watch porn and my need for morning sex. You need to drag me out of my head at times. You’ll need to tell me what you need from me as I’m not that observant. You must communicate with me, tell me your wants, needs and desires. Tell me what you like and don’t like & be supportive and challenge me. Be tolerant of my lack of communication skills and my aversion to reaching out but call me out on it if needed.

You must love dogs and kids. (Sorry, no cat men.) You must love music, not always the same kind as me but have a love of cinema, culture and like to try new things. You must like to surprise me, unannounced midnight visits, be educated, worldly and understand sarcasm. Fight with me. Argue with me. Show your passionate side. Prove to me there’s a reason things never worked out with anyone else. Must like TV marathons in the middle of a rainy day. Must likes sports, cooking and pampering.

No need to be perfect or even close. Show me your flaws. Show me your tears. Show me your truth. Just show me something real. Know things about me from watching me, not from me telling you. Be inquisitive and pull things out of me. Don’t let me shut down, retreat or push you away. You’ll need to be my strength sometimes and I’ll return the favor.

I’ll return all this to you in kindness, love and care. I’ll make you believe that everything will be ok because I’ll make everything ok. I’ll let you know how important you are and I’ll take care of you. Also, in return, I’ll let you pick your side of the bed, the temperature in the room and which game we watch. I’ll give up control when you need me to or take over when you’re weak. I promise to be the best woman I can be, with your help. I promise to help you be the best man, with my help.

If you have a dream, I will not rest until you achieve it. If you need a purpose I will not rest until you’ve found it. If you have a goal I will be by your side to accomplish it. As long as we have all of that nothing else matters. I don’t need a big house, expensive car or even a nice ring. I just need to know that you’ll be there when I need you, even when I don’t think I need you. I need someone to take over my ship for a while. I’ve been sailing far too long without help.

Sincerely,

Your Future Wife.

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I’m tired of doing all this alone. That’s the truth and probably the most honest thing I could say right now. I’ve never had to do it alone but it’s only recently that I’ve realized that it’s far better to go forth with support and be with someone who brings you up. I guess, when you’re ready, you’re ready. I have a plan and I’m happy now that September is over. This month has never been a great month for me. I’ve got a new outlook, a fresh start, a different train of thought. Good things really can come out of bad situations. If you challenge your view of it all. Better and new is what October has in store for me.

Hoping you all are having an awesome day. 🙂

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Ten Questions asked by others…

I’ve always thought these were kind of fun and it makes it so I don’t have to think that hard. I’m so tired of thinking or over-thinking I should say. Over the course of having this site, each time I start fresh, I usually always get new questions. Most I’ll email back but some, especially if I get asked the same question a few times, I’ll just post about them. So that is tonight’s post. Feel free to ask anything you like. It’s easy when we don’t really know each other.

1 When did you start blogging or writing and why? I think I’ve had this site for five maybe six years. I think I initially wanted to actually make a difference but now it just seems to be an online journal. I’ve been writing my whole life though. Poems, short stories, business plans. I’ve always like the process. I’m much more a fan of the written word but leaving trails of thoughts around my home never really appealed to me. If you look in the deepest, darkest corners of where I live you’ll find some really weird shit I’m sure.

2 Last movie you’ve watched? Okay, I was called out earlier this month for not really being a true Brit because I’d never seen all the Harry Potter movies. I was given them as a gift but like many movies in my home, I’d never watched them so I finally did. Between Friday through Monday I watched all eight movies. They weren’t bad. I feel my secretly hidden British accent coming out more with each and every movie. This is the great part about a break-up. You have an excuse to hunker down in your own space and watch whatever you want.

3 Is there any music that you don’t like? What’s your favorite? I like all music. I have everything from rock, pop, new age, country, rap, Spanish. I am not hardcore into rap or country but I can appreciate the talent. My absolute favorite really depends on the mood. When I’m trying to relax in a bath I love listening to anything with a violin, classical or meditation music. When I’m pissed I like Disturbed, In This Moment or something trashingly hardcore. When I’m sad, I’ll through out a melancholy mix of acoustic or indie.

4 Can you name all the concerts you’ve seen? Probably not. I’m sure my memory will fail me but there goes… Tori Amos, Dave Matthews, Sting, Elton John, Bastille, Blue October, 30 Foot Fall, Pennywise, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Amos Lee, Arcade Fire, Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson, Bush, No Doubt, Goo Goo Dolls, Arctic Monkeys, Foo Fighters, Peter Murphy, Ministry, Beck, Black Crows, The Black Keys, Boy & Bear, Bright Eyes, Clint Black, Citizen Cope, Lords of Acid, Counting Crows, The Cranberries, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Daft Punk, M83, Florence and the Machines, Deadmau5, Sarah McLaughlin, Garbage, Garth Brooks, George Clinton, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Gipsy Kings… Okay I just made it through the first part of my iTunes and I can’t go on… Let’s just say there was a lot! I’m pretty sure I’m missing some big ones too.

5 Biggest lessons you’ve learn? I’ve learned that you can’t replace people with others and get the same effect. I’ve learned that a drunk truth confession is better than 100 sober lies. I’ve learned that what you ask God for, he had a funny way of giving that to you. I’ve learned that there is always a chance for forgiveness and second chances. I’ve learned that self worth isn’t about “likes, tags, posts, emoticons, it’s about being there, in the moment for each chance you get. I’ve learned that even though they days seem long that life is short and you shouldn’t always assume that that opportunity, that person or that experience will always be there. I’ve learn to always repay my debts whether they be financially or otherwise and lastly I’ve learned to never take anyone for granted, EVER.

6 What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a lawyer, more than anything. I’d read all these books, researched cases and even when an summer interned with a friend of my parents but due to a very long story (which I won’t get into) I wasn’t able to go to the school that I wanted to. I still believe that I’m still growing up though so I could change this at any moment.

7 What annoys you the most? I’m going to sound like a broken record with some of these but here goes… I HATE when people don’t give you the thank you wave after you’ve let them in traffic. It annoys me when people don’t clean up after themselves. I hate excuses. I hate blatant disrespect. I don’t like shouting. People who assume blame on others to take it off themselves annoy me. I hate people invading my personal space before I’ve even learned their name. That’s enough of that for now.

8 What things do you love? I love mix CD’s or flash drives. I love the rain. I like naps on Saturday afternoons especially when it rains. I love surprises. I love drunk show-ups after midnight. I’m a real fan of kissing, even when it doesn’t lead to anything else. I love a mans forearm, smooth chest and eyes that can’t be taken off you or when they’ve watching you when you least expect it. I love being woken up to freshly brewed coffee. I love that first sip of water after you’ve just workout like a crazy person and the soreness you feel the next day which reminds you you’ve done something. I love the beach and orchids (of course) and (of course) the color blue and how it looks good on a man. There’s so much more than that.

9 What do you hope to accomplish in the next five years? Well, first, I hope to still be breathing. I’d like to say the standard, “have a husband and family” but we see how that’s worked out so far. I’d like to be healthier and happier but I don’t really know anymore. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

10 What happened with all the proposals? Why’d you say no? This question I got a lot and I’m not sure they’re all easy answers but here goes. The first two proposals I was young and at least smart enough to know that neither were any good for me. I think that in both cases we just clicked really well and I wasn’t a crazy girl and it didn’t matter much where they were or what they were doing when we weren’t together. I’m the girl that doesn’t ask questions. The third wasn’t about love at all. It was about possession. He was a trust fund baby and had everything he wanted. I wasn’t that spectacular (don’t get me wrong, I think I’m awesome) but because I tend to give off this “You’ll never have me” persona (that goes for the soul and mind, less the body) his entitled self thought that he would mark his territory. I was at a very strange place in my life where drugs, sex and rock n roll were the most important things so I’d actually said yes for about five minutes. Then I don’t him I just wasn’t comfortable with him and it wouldn’t work. We’d broken up but during September 11th he’d gone through a lot of stuff. He lost family and was very distraught so he ended up given the ring to me as a thank you. That was a weird reminder. Then, the fourth was my ex that I lost in a car accident this year. I’d written about that before but that didn’t feel right either. This last time, with my ex, I’d always told him that I wasn’t serious about him and that it wouldn’t be anything but fun but he took things way too fast and I just never really felt comfortable with him either.

I’ve not had great luck in the love department. I’ve loved two men unconditionally but none of the one above were those two. My dreams, lately, have been vivid exerts from a chapter in my life that’s not been written yet. I do believe everything happens for a reason and I believe in honesty with myself and the men I’ve dated. If I don’t see a future then I’ll tell them but there again is fate, waiting anxiously for you to move in one direction so something out of no where can be thrown your way. I don’t know, maybe life is really like one of those movies and that boy that you fought with as a child, the one that pulled your pig-tails and pushed you down maybe that’s the one you meet in a bar years later and that’s the one who you end up with, although I never had a childhood boy like that. We shall see.

I’m feeling better than I was earlier though, which is good. I hope this feelings lasts. Hope you’re all having a great day and week. Good Night!

Our Story By: Graham Colton