Music and what it means to me…

You all know that I am in love with music. In fact, Music is the first love of my life and no man will ever replace that. There’s a comfort in knowing that, no matter how you feel, there’s a piece of music out there to fit your needs. It’ll never leave you, hurt you or not understand you. Music will explain and describe how you feel when you don’t even have the words. It’s like having a best friend whenever, wherever you need one.

Music is peace, love, light, joy, understanding and it’s my everything.

With all that said, it’s only fair that one of my favorite movies is Almost famous. If you’ve never seen it, or even heard of it you must go right now and watch it, especially if you love music. It explains so much. Also, if you are in love with music as much as I am then you’ll get so many references that are hidden to the average person. Almost each and every single line, action or shot in the movie can be traced back to history in music.

And yes, at times, I have felt like Penny Lane. It goes way beyond the fact that I have been told that I looked like Kate Hudson. I have showed many a girl the lives of “musicians” and explained to them that, “Just because they show interest doesn’t mean that it’s real”. There’s a high that musicians get when they have “fans” and by flirting it’s their version of marketing and networking. It’s a job. That’s not to say that they won’t like you in some way, shape or form but it takes me to a great line in the movie, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, if ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends”. Perfect line!

I have met and meet musicians all the time and most are married. I think I’ve always had this dream to be with a musician in a relationship because I don’t want a full time man, sometimes. I’m ok with the idea of them going out and being with their “fans” and allowing them their freedom when it comes to a relationship. I already have dating ADD anyway so this would be perfect. I don’t want to be the “mistress” but I would be ok with being the wife or girlfriend and letting them do their thing as long as they came home to me. Is that weird?

Part of that is because I’ve just never felt like “wife” material but mostly it’s because I understand the lifestyle. Don’t strangle a man with the rope but give him some slack and it tends to be a happy relationship which is apparently what is lacking in all the marriages that I am around lately. If way “A” doesn’t work, what’s wrong with trying way “B”. Nothing has to be set in stone. There are no “rules”. Make them up as you go. Just my thoughts for the day on that subject.

Next fantastic line that stands out, “So Russell… What do you love about music” “To begin with, everything”. That’s probably the most true and relatable line in the movie. That’s the truth. There’s nothing NOT to love about music. Even if you don’t like the song in it’s entirety you can still appreciate the talent that it takes to build the song. I tried to explain this the other day after my friend was saying how terrible this one song was. I said, “Take it apart. Listen to the guitar. Do you hear the talent that it takes to sound like that? Now take the bass. Do you hear how perfect that bass line is? Now, take the drums. Can you hear how precise and dominant they and how they carry the song? Lastly, even though you don’t like the singers range do you understand how hard that is to pull off? Do you understand that takes practice? See, so even if you don’t like the song you can still enjoy the structure and the talent and the expertise that it takes to put it all together.”

I guess that’s where I love the movie so much. It explains why I am NOT a groupie or a fan. I love the idea of being called a “Band Aid” and here’s why, “We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids”. I’ve been with my share of musicians in many forms but it’s never about that. How can you not be around those feelings when the music is playing and not have some sort of connection to the people playing it. The emotions spill out. They spill out onto the people who are being catalysts for the songs. It’s an inevitable outcome.

“They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” I have felt this. Just the other day I had to explain this. There’s a band that I go see a lot and I’ve become friends with the musicians that play in the band. The lead-singer was going through my videos and photos and she asked, “Why do you keep recording the same stuff. I don’t even like us that much”. I explained that it wasn’t just about the songs but that I loved music so much and it will allow me to remember the song, the moment and the night if I can relate it to a recording. So what if it’s the same piece of music that I’ve recorded fifteen times.”

That was this past Friday, on the full moon, which made me do things that I probably shouldn’t have BUT I have NO regrets. Regrets are for the weak and I believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a weekend of music, the beach and of setting intentions and relaxation. I haven’t had my home to myself in over a week but the moment that it is mine again I will take my pants off and watch Almost Famous again and again. Because that’s what I do. Now, I’m going to go back to my “Full Moon setting intensions” post and see where things went wrong, if they even did. Again, everything happens for a reason.

Music is my religion, my spirit and my faith. Music is my lover and my friend and my family. Music is my everything.

What’s your favorite movie about music? It’s always possible that I’ve no seen it.

I am grateful for music, the beach and for having sexual chemistry that would blow your mind, with someone. 🙂

Yet again, it’s all about the connection…

I think that even before I wrote that blog, last night/this morning, I’d already decided that I was done with the band. Before the band drama I was focused on myself and making myself and my life better. That went a bit to the side since meeting them. I need that piece and peace back. I’ll admit that before them and becoming so close to my friends wife my world was a lot more quiet and a bit more lonely but I felt free. Free from emotions and free from the rest of the world. That was a nice feeling.

Things have all changed since this time last year or pre-hurricane cleansing, as I call it. I was in, what seemed like, a masochistic relationship which is gone now. I was having issues at work and even wanting to just get out of bed in the morning was tough, which is gone now. I wasn’t feeling connected to my own life, that’s still a bit there but it’s better than it was. But that’s where my whole life turns… When I’m connected.

My personal life is still just crazy and after a phone call I just got it’s even crazier. Like I said yesterday, for some reason, married men are finding me to flirt with. This is a weird time for me. This has happened before and I brushed it off but now I look better and feel better physically than I have in a long time. Apparently that type of attitude is what they’re looking for. But I’m not this person that they think I am. I am done.

This really does go back to the “connection” part of life. I, so rarely, feel that with people. I get along with everyone but it’s few that peak my interest. When I feel that type of connection whether it be emotionally or sexually it’s as if I never want to let it go. But tonight all I can think about is one of my favorite movies… If you’ve been here before then you know what I’m going to quote, “There’s girls you fuck and there’s girls you marry and never the two shall meet”. I have never felt like more of the first one than I do right now.

I am not innocent, by any means, I am NOT rationalizing my behavior either. I know that I have crossed a line with ONE of them. But the other two LIED to me and have been lying to their wives this entire time. I simply can not say this enough that I am done. Fucking done with men being selfish and not realizing who their hurting. Yes, I might have been the girl you marry for several way back when but it’s not like that now and I can’t stop being angry at myself for not saying Yes to one of those guys years ago.

There is nothing worse in my world than the realization that I am partially to blame for someone else being upset, angry or any other negative emotion. That’s NOT who I am. All I want to do is make people feel better and their lives happier. I’m so sickened right now. I’m so angry at myself. You all here know that I’ve never been more honest than I am here and to write all this down makes me sick. This is just fucked up. I need to be the person I was not that long ago now. I’m done being the person I am right now and I write that in tears.

I have already delete all the things that remind me of the last few months and can only wish that new and better memories will be made soon. I’m sorry for not being the person that I should be right now and for causing any pain to ANYONE. I can only hope that tomorrow I can start to pay forward kindness instead of what I’ve been doing.


Bland days and my OCDness…

Today has been an utterly bland day. Nothing crazy at work, came home after, watched a bit of TV, worked out. Absolutely nothing of any importance happened today. Sometimes my horoscope just makes me laugh. It’s a lot like the weatherman, mostly wrong but strangely interesting to listen to. Well, actually it said something about ‘if you choose to stay home today that’s ok but if you don’t you might just met the next love of your life’ or some other BS. And shockingly, I still stayed in.

One main reason that I stayed home tonight is because my body has been betraying me lately. I’m not sure if it’s because my sleep sucks, my change in health habits or emotional stress but it’s not been feeling right for a few days. I do notice that when I am under emotional stress, anger, sadness or pain my OCD goes crazy or crazier.

I don’t really remember being this OCD about things as a kid. It’s gotten worse through the years and it mainly focuses on numbers. I suppose that’s why I became an accountant, sort of (one of my many hats). My number is five. Someone told me once that this is a God number. I don’t really know what that meant but she said it was good. This started out to be a volume thing. If the TV or radio had a number volume it had to be on something divisible by five. But lately, I’ve been counting my steps a lot. If I’m at work and go outside for a bit I have to walk 500 steps. If I’m sitting at home I have to get up and walk 1,000 steps every hour.

It usually happens only when I’m alone and I’m sure there’s some sort of therapy to learn from this but if I don’t do those things I don’t go crazy or anything. I don’t really have any other OCD moments. I don’t have to turn the knob 4 times or check the stove 8 times or anything. I am usually paranoid that I’ve left my hair straightener on but I assume that’s a fear that a lot of women probably have.

Even feeling let down by my body today, I still ran and I do feel better now. While I was running I remembered that the Oscars are this weekend. This will be a year that I’ve seen more of the Oscar nominated movies than ever before and I’ve seen them with THE friend. He’s the only person I go to the movies with. Some of the movies were great and some not so much. I’m usually someone who has to have things blowing up or lots of sex in a movie to keep my attention but that’s one thing that he’s done for me. I’ve entertained seeing a lot more movies that I might never have seen if it weren’t for him.

One of those movies that kind of stuck with me and for some reason I think about a lot is Anomalisa. At first, I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. It kind of struck a nerve in me for some reason but I understood the main character. It also kind of reminded me of THE friend too. There’s a guy with a mundane life who sees everyone as the same person, there’s no quality that makes them different than the next. Then he meets a girl, thinks she’s amazing but she becomes just like everyone else after a while. It’s a movie that’ll might make you think. Again, for some reason it’s stuck with me.

If my body feels the way it does right now I think I’ll take this weekend to watch some of the rest of the Oscar movies and just melt into my couch for a while. I thought about thinking up some drinking game to watch the award show to but then I realize that drinking never really goes well for me lately so that’s probably not a great idea. Maybe I’ll do something else to entertain myself.

So, boring post tonight. I’d apologize but sometimes I just need to have a boring night or two to even things out so I’m ok with it. There’s still and hour and 20 minutes left of tonight. Maybe that ‘love of my life’ horoscope thing will still come true. Ha, kidding.

Hope you’re all having a great week.


Ten Questions asked by others…

I’ve always thought these were kind of fun and it makes it so I don’t have to think that hard. I’m so tired of thinking or over-thinking I should say. Over the course of having this site, each time I start fresh, I usually always get new questions. Most I’ll email back but some, especially if I get asked the same question a few times, I’ll just post about them. So that is tonight’s post. Feel free to ask anything you like. It’s easy when we don’t really know each other.

1 When did you start blogging or writing and why? I think I’ve had this site for five maybe six years. I think I initially wanted to actually make a difference but now it just seems to be an online journal. I’ve been writing my whole life though. Poems, short stories, business plans. I’ve always like the process. I’m much more a fan of the written word but leaving trails of thoughts around my home never really appealed to me. If you look in the deepest, darkest corners of where I live you’ll find some really weird shit I’m sure.

2 Last movie you’ve watched? Okay, I was called out earlier this month for not really being a true Brit because I’d never seen all the Harry Potter movies. I was given them as a gift but like many movies in my home, I’d never watched them so I finally did. Between Friday through Monday I watched all eight movies. They weren’t bad. I feel my secretly hidden British accent coming out more with each and every movie. This is the great part about a break-up. You have an excuse to hunker down in your own space and watch whatever you want.

3 Is there any music that you don’t like? What’s your favorite? I like all music. I have everything from rock, pop, new age, country, rap, Spanish. I am not hardcore into rap or country but I can appreciate the talent. My absolute favorite really depends on the mood. When I’m trying to relax in a bath I love listening to anything with a violin, classical or meditation music. When I’m pissed I like Disturbed, In This Moment or something trashingly hardcore. When I’m sad, I’ll through out a melancholy mix of acoustic or indie.

4 Can you name all the concerts you’ve seen? Probably not. I’m sure my memory will fail me but there goes… Tori Amos, Dave Matthews, Sting, Elton John, Bastille, Blue October, 30 Foot Fall, Pennywise, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Amos Lee, Arcade Fire, Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson, Bush, No Doubt, Goo Goo Dolls, Arctic Monkeys, Foo Fighters, Peter Murphy, Ministry, Beck, Black Crows, The Black Keys, Boy & Bear, Bright Eyes, Clint Black, Citizen Cope, Lords of Acid, Counting Crows, The Cranberries, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Daft Punk, M83, Florence and the Machines, Deadmau5, Sarah McLaughlin, Garbage, Garth Brooks, George Clinton, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Gipsy Kings… Okay I just made it through the first part of my iTunes and I can’t go on… Let’s just say there was a lot! I’m pretty sure I’m missing some big ones too.

5 Biggest lessons you’ve learn? I’ve learned that you can’t replace people with others and get the same effect. I’ve learned that a drunk truth confession is better than 100 sober lies. I’ve learned that what you ask God for, he had a funny way of giving that to you. I’ve learned that there is always a chance for forgiveness and second chances. I’ve learned that self worth isn’t about “likes, tags, posts, emoticons, it’s about being there, in the moment for each chance you get. I’ve learned that even though they days seem long that life is short and you shouldn’t always assume that that opportunity, that person or that experience will always be there. I’ve learn to always repay my debts whether they be financially or otherwise and lastly I’ve learned to never take anyone for granted, EVER.

6 What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a lawyer, more than anything. I’d read all these books, researched cases and even when an summer interned with a friend of my parents but due to a very long story (which I won’t get into) I wasn’t able to go to the school that I wanted to. I still believe that I’m still growing up though so I could change this at any moment.

7 What annoys you the most? I’m going to sound like a broken record with some of these but here goes… I HATE when people don’t give you the thank you wave after you’ve let them in traffic. It annoys me when people don’t clean up after themselves. I hate excuses. I hate blatant disrespect. I don’t like shouting. People who assume blame on others to take it off themselves annoy me. I hate people invading my personal space before I’ve even learned their name. That’s enough of that for now.

8 What things do you love? I love mix CD’s or flash drives. I love the rain. I like naps on Saturday afternoons especially when it rains. I love surprises. I love drunk show-ups after midnight. I’m a real fan of kissing, even when it doesn’t lead to anything else. I love a mans forearm, smooth chest and eyes that can’t be taken off you or when they’ve watching you when you least expect it. I love being woken up to freshly brewed coffee. I love that first sip of water after you’ve just workout like a crazy person and the soreness you feel the next day which reminds you you’ve done something. I love the beach and orchids (of course) and (of course) the color blue and how it looks good on a man. There’s so much more than that.

9 What do you hope to accomplish in the next five years? Well, first, I hope to still be breathing. I’d like to say the standard, “have a husband and family” but we see how that’s worked out so far. I’d like to be healthier and happier but I don’t really know anymore. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

10 What happened with all the proposals? Why’d you say no? This question I got a lot and I’m not sure they’re all easy answers but here goes. The first two proposals I was young and at least smart enough to know that neither were any good for me. I think that in both cases we just clicked really well and I wasn’t a crazy girl and it didn’t matter much where they were or what they were doing when we weren’t together. I’m the girl that doesn’t ask questions. The third wasn’t about love at all. It was about possession. He was a trust fund baby and had everything he wanted. I wasn’t that spectacular (don’t get me wrong, I think I’m awesome) but because I tend to give off this “You’ll never have me” persona (that goes for the soul and mind, less the body) his entitled self thought that he would mark his territory. I was at a very strange place in my life where drugs, sex and rock n roll were the most important things so I’d actually said yes for about five minutes. Then I don’t him I just wasn’t comfortable with him and it wouldn’t work. We’d broken up but during September 11th he’d gone through a lot of stuff. He lost family and was very distraught so he ended up given the ring to me as a thank you. That was a weird reminder. Then, the fourth was my ex that I lost in a car accident this year. I’d written about that before but that didn’t feel right either. This last time, with my ex, I’d always told him that I wasn’t serious about him and that it wouldn’t be anything but fun but he took things way too fast and I just never really felt comfortable with him either.

I’ve not had great luck in the love department. I’ve loved two men unconditionally but none of the one above were those two. My dreams, lately, have been vivid exerts from a chapter in my life that’s not been written yet. I do believe everything happens for a reason and I believe in honesty with myself and the men I’ve dated. If I don’t see a future then I’ll tell them but there again is fate, waiting anxiously for you to move in one direction so something out of no where can be thrown your way. I don’t know, maybe life is really like one of those movies and that boy that you fought with as a child, the one that pulled your pig-tails and pushed you down maybe that’s the one you meet in a bar years later and that’s the one who you end up with, although I never had a childhood boy like that. We shall see.

I’m feeling better than I was earlier though, which is good. I hope this feelings lasts. Hope you’re all having a great day and week. Good Night!

Our Story By: Graham Colton