Correcting a misinterpreted mistake…

I think that one of the words that would most be used to describe me, from my friends, would be flirtatious but with no intent. Sometimes, what I think is just honest or fun turns out to be flirty with the wrong interpretation on the other end.

Let me explain. I haven’t been to Austin since the weekend before my birthday but for some reason my brothers neighbor has had a reason to text me almost on a daily basis. I think I’ve actually met this guy maybe four or five times total, as in in person. The very first time I met him he spent the entire night touching me all over my face, arms, back. This had nothing to do with sex but he had heard that I hated to be touched and therefore took it upon himself to do it all night.

I’ve talked about him before but he’s a trust fund baby but he’s not a total d-bag about it. You can just tell that there’s not a lot of things in his life that he’s had to do without. In the same breath I’m not sure he’s ever NOT gotten something he’s wanted either.

At first, these texts and calls had to do with a business that he wanted to open and he wanted info. Then it soon turned into a prank that he wanted to play on my brother. Then tonight it turned into something else that he needed.

I’m fine with doing things for others. That’s not a problem but I really hope that he’s not taking any of my “playfulness” to heart. I still don’t want him to touch me, I still don’t want him to kiss me and he is just a friend of my brothers.

In a really weird way I’d love to go there and say, “Oh I’m seeing someone blah blah blah” just to make a point that even though he might want me to want him that he’s no where on that list for me. Read what I said, I did NOT say that he wants me. I said that he wants me to WANT HIM. It’s completely different for rich guys. These are guys I’ve known all my life AND dated. It’s never ever that they like you that much it’s just about “having” or “getting” you.

With this particular guy though, he’s been nicknamed silver spoon, it’s tough because I’m not going to censor myself but I also don’t want him to get the wrong idea. What’s also disconcerting is that the more I get to know him the less attractive he actually gets. The more I get to know him I realize just how little confidence he has. It’s strange and in him it’s really unattractive. I don’t find that to be true to all men though.

Hopefully I won’t see him this weekend at all thought, when I go to my brothers. What I do hope to do this weekend is get a little happy drunk, not work at all and just have some fun. That’s not too much to ask right? I am in desperate need to decompress after this shitty week and it’s only Wednesday. Way too much stress for this week.

That’s enough of my rambling tonight. I’m still in a strange mood which might have something to do with the coming full moon or the opening of two friends new clubs soon or something else entirely… Any other city still looks better than this one right now… It’s off to bed.

I think I’ve found a new name for something I have tonight…

Tears From The Moon…

She left one who was essentially oblivious to anything outside his wifi’ed world to reply to another that only wanted her in his whole world. 
But at that very moment, what did she want? She wanted the one that didn’t exist. She wanted the one who looked and felt like the one she was with but had the emotions for her as the one that wanted her to be his world. 
Things are shifting in a direction that things were never supposed to go. 
She wondered how it was possibly that she felt more alone in the presence of the one she loved than when she was actually alone. 
She wonders why just the thought of leaving him brings salted tears to her cold eyes. 
There is nothing more to do here but to run. In to the arms of another? Or just away from it all. There’s literally nothing left. 
She tries to grasp at memories from the beginning of all this but his occasional verbal outbursts bring her to the now and she’s reminded that it really doesn’t matter to him who the warm body is next to him. 
This has become a sick and twisted version of her self abuse. Is this what it’s like to be an emotional cutter? 
She has a humorous thought and wondered how long it would take to notice if she’d just replaced herself with someone else. Anyone else. Would he notice? Ever? 
He calls this state passive aggressive but what he doesn’t know is that this silence is the only way to stop from crying. It’s her trying to grab ahold of what she thought they used to be. 
The music in the background, the smell of what would have been a nice dinner, the sense that this night could have gone totally different if he knew how to live in the moment and not attached to a world of others that aren’t there right now. 
She screams, in her head, “I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!” But he has made for certain that that promise will not end in forever. 
It’s painfully obvious that she needs to be done. So. Very. Done. 
She never asked him to reinvent the wheel, to do something he couldn’t do or to be someone he wasn’t. 
She just wanted him to see her, right then. To be acknowledged for being her. She had to know in that very moment that it was her smile, her eyes, her being that he actually wanted to be around and not her surroundings. 
It seems like the smallest thing in the world. It seems like something that should have never been taken for granted. 
She realizes that she’ll never get that because he’ll never understand. Because he’s never tried to understand. Because he’s never actually seen her. 
Full moons are supposed to be great and tonight’s is supposed to be even better than that. But it’s hard to see the moon through tears. 
The more she loves him the more she realizes she’s not broken but he might be more than she ever thought. 

I wonder if he’d care that it was so easy for someone else to see everything she has that’s great and to want all that. I wonder if he’ll ever have appreciated it.