Year end review of the good stuff…

Okay, so last night was a fluffy of new years goals, lists of different things and a recap of last year. I’d already posted about the bad things that happened to entertainment last year but what I haven’t done is recap my year.

I’ve said enough bad things about it but it wasn’t to do with anyone else really. Most of what was bad about it was just a feeling of depression and being lonely in a room full of people. I wrestled with a lot of my own demons and it wasn’t until toward the end of the year that I really started to feel better. But before that I’d lost my momentum on my jar challenge.

If you remember, the jar challenge was recreated at the beginning of last year and it involved me writing on a slip of paper the good moments, the LOL moments and the happy moments of life. It’s not that they stopped but I just stopped writing them. So, in predictable fashion I’m going to tell you some of those now.

Spending the day with THE friend at our downtown aquarium and being able to enjoy the day.

Going to a concert on July the 4th with THE friend (there might be a lot of these in these) and going afterward to get ice cream floats.

Realizing that both my niece and THE friend do this forehead thing where they just put their forehead on mine. He’s not done it in a while though.

Having a heart-to-heart with both my boss and his girlfriend and their thanks afterward.

At the beginning of the year when THE friend reached out, apologized and we started to form a relationship again.

My GBF’s birthday party… It’s was so much fun!

Going to a friends wedding and meeting a guy we called “pony” and having him request and dance to some crazy shit.

Going to my GBF and I’s favorite restaurant and meeting a waiter who had a crush on me and always gave me free meals and drinks.

Changing direction with the career I have. Gaining a better position and officially being a business owner with less hours and a little less stress.

Going to see a bunch of movies.

Watching Oscar night with THE friend.

Spending a birthday weekend with my BFF and starting our fictional band, me as the singer and air drums and her on guitar and bass… I don’t it sounds silly but it totally rocked. We also had this whole Magic Mike thing AND a sexy photo shoot and a lip-sync battle thing.

Going to my BFF’s and my restaurant and having a seriously drunk guy buy us drinks all night.

My GBF and my BFF hanging out together for the first time.

Going through a ton of clothes at the beginning of the year with the help of my GBF and his sister who kindly took it all to Goodwill for me.

The party for me the night before my birthday.

Hanging out with another one of my best girl friends and her new son.

Meeting the “new guy” who just made me realize that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone falling in love with me. It’s an amazing and powerful things.

Spending time with my ex and realizing, again, that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone still being in love with me even with all my flaws.

All the occasions that THE friend actually had a compliment to give. I remember and smile.

My old boss realizing just what he lost when I no longer worked for him and his numerous apologies.

THE friend turning into the most beautiful OCD hulk and cleaning and organizing my kitchen.

Getting in exercise when I truly didn’t feel like doing it. This will be better this year though.

Coming up with hilarious reasons for my BFF as to why she couldn’t have sex with someone. They were outrageous and insane.

More than one sexy photo shoot was had and they were so much fun to do.

Our new years eve party last year 2015-2016 was pretty amazing.

Seeing an old friend that I hadn’t seen in twenty years and him remembering me as a young teenager.

Becoming friends with my boss’s girlfriend who I actually have a lot in common with.

Getting hugs and kisses from THE friend.

One particular blogger which I’ve gotten to know this year who has absolutely made my day on more than one occasion. Being able to call her a friend. Thank you DLJ!

Getting flowers and a gift from THE friend when both were truly unexpected.

THE friend cleaning the bathroom.

Spending all the good holidays with THE friend: Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and my birthday even though he didn’t actually know it was my birthday.

Having THE friend make a birthday cake for me, and awesome pancakes.

There were so many other moments that didn’t make it into that jar and I fear that they will be forgotten but I’m glad that I have those moments that I can cherish. Instead of doing the jar challenge this year I’ve decided to have a Gratitude journal instead. As much as I like typing on my blog I also, very much enjoy the lost art of physically writing something.

While I stare at a large pile of streamers from last night and wondering how they made it this far without being swept up in the cleaning I’m reminded that each year I resolve to have better cleaning habits. That is changing this year. What I mean by that is I’m not making any resolutions or goals. I’m going to enjoy life a bit more and do a lot more things for myself.

There will be things that I want to accomplish and I will attempt those but I will not be killing myself or getting my feelings hurt if it wasn’t accomplished. I want to try new things and meet new people but still cherish the people that are already in my life.

While I will probably always want to be in a more meaning role in THE friends life I have no expectations and have let go of any hope for the better. I have resigned to the fact that I will never be the girl that will make him happy no matter how hard I try. This means I stop trying so hard and just be myself and that’s not a bad place to be.

So far this year has already been great. I hope you are having a great year as well and it continues to stay that way. Care to share any of your great moments of last year?

It’s now 1 am January 2nd and I am too excited to sleep so I feel like cleaning. Nite all.

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The Double Edged Sword of Repetition…

Repetition is great, if you’re trying to stave off a bad habit or you’re trying to start a new good habit. What I’ve realized though is that repetition in life is insanely boring. I am aware that with my personality and my current state that repetition is the only way that I’ll do things that are, for most people, simple like cleaning or exercise or grocery shopping; it’s something that I just dislike.

I hate that I have a job that’s always the same thing, during the same hours, during the same days of the week. I wake up at the same time, go through the same morning routine. Then when I get to the office that pattern starts. I unlock the door, turn on the lights, turn down the AC and make my cup of coffee. All this is done while waiting for my computer to boot up so I can check the same hundred emails the just keep repeating. At the end of the work day, the same thing. If I’m the last to leave then I’m turning up the AC, cleaning my coffee mug, logging off my computer, turning the lights off and locking the door.

I know that if things were like that I’d probably never actually make it to work so I can see the advantage of it all. However, lately, since things are a bit different at work I tend to come and go as I please. Instead of going out to eat every single weekday I actually bought groceries to make a sandwich which is really weird for me but lately this hole circle of repetition has been racing through my mind, on repeat (imagine that).

It had me thinking of a man that I dated a while back. First, it was a short lust affair and second he was less a man than he was a boy. He was much younger than me and extremely immature but he was fun. We never did the same thing twice. He once took me to race cars. We had a picnic in the rain. We camped, went fishing and drove four hours to watch a football game.

One night, he’d gotten tickets to an invitation only party and we’d decided to go because it was new and fun. When we got there, we’d realized that it was actually a private sex club. It was a scene out of Eyes Wide Shut without the weird bad acting. He was noticeably uncomfortable but we’d decided to stay for at least 30 minutes. Then if we were both in agreement we’d leave. Nothing was going to happen but I was intrigued. I wasn’t uncomfortable because no one else aside from my date was.

I remembered walking around with a flute of champagne in hand wondering if I’d see anyone that I knew. Back in those days, I’d heard that my boss and his wife were into that stuff and that was my only concern to not run into them. It wasn’t gross or perverted or Cinamax-esq. For some reason I felt as though I wasn’t old enough myself to be there and realized that he must have felt even younger so I appeased him and we left.

It wasn’t long after that that I knew dating him was fun and exciting but that he needed to be with someone a bit closer to his age or at least his maturity level. I never went back to a place like that but out of all the experiences that we had together that’s the one that stood out the most to me because I could remember exactly how it made me feel. It was a moment.

I’ve said this before but I don’t remember dates (unless there’s a five in there somewhere) but I do remember moments and the feelings that surrounded that moment. Some have been those “Movie moments” that I talk about. The one’s that end up in cheesy romantic comedies but some are just ones that leave an imprint.

That’s what’s been lacking in my life lately is the imprints, the movie moments and the new experiences. I know that I won’t wake up tomorrow and suddenly have one of those things happen and that’s the part that scares me. That those moments are over. It’s as if I’ve been hexed with the curse of boring and that someone once looked at me with envy or disdain for the happiness that I was feeling and put so much “evil eye” on me that it took away all the great moments in life. To be, it’s almost the same as taking away the air I breath and now I’m stuck.

The best way to describe this feeling is that life is just hard right now. I’m having an allergic reaction to it. I’m feeling disconnected to people, to myself. I’m uneasy. I acknowledge that things are in desperate need of changing but where do I go from here? What’s the next step? Some days, as the world is happening around me I feel like the one person standing still screaming in my own head. I need a shock to the system.

I’ve also said this before, in such a connected world that we live in today why is it so fucking easy to feel the most alone that ever before? Days like today I just really need to know that I’m not except I’m not even willing to answer to the phone to find out. I’m in need of something new, something real, something that doesn’t go away the moment I open my eyes.

I wish I had a better story for you tonight but that’s what’s on my mind…

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The Marrying Kind… Or Not?

I’m exercised, bathed and pantless and I am happy. Today was a quiet day. I had a lot to do and still do but it was still quiet. I slept well and had a nice weekend. Sunday I had brunch with my friend who just had the baby. It was the first baby’s outing. The table was my friend, her cousin, baby and me. It was like brunch and a show because we all just couldn’t stop watching him. You could feel the tug of our own uteruses each time he smiled.

There’s also something about the warm and comforting looks you get while holding a child. It reminds me of when my niece was still a baby. She was sensing her parents arguing, it was one of their biggest. At this point, I’d taken it upon myself to take her outside amongst the trees, the wind and all the passers-by which assumed she was mine. We did kind of look a like, being family and all. I had at least two dozen people, even men, come up and just say, “What a beautiful child you have!” and at first, explaining she was my niece but after the first few just giving up the explanation and offering a thank you.

But moving on, it was a nice start to the morning; however, after losing the hour of sleep or partying the night before I had gotten to the exhausted portion of the afternoon quickly. I was having a long talk with my old boss, while laying on the couch and at some point during the conversation, I completely fell asleep for about an hour. Hopefully she didn’t take offense to this. But then woke up to THE friend knocking on then opening the door. I thought I was dreaming at first but realized quickly that not only was I not dreaming but I was wearing shorts… These British pales legs haven’t seen sunlight in about six months so I quickly went to change. Not that he could actually care less what I look like though, it was more for me.

We’d had a nice or pleasant night. I do fear us falling into this rut though but it got me thinking. Now that my arm candy is having a baby, two close girl friends are getting married and one of my closest guy friends just got married, I’ve lost all my “go to’s” for outings. The thing is, with my job, I get invited out to different things probably a few times a week. This is not a bragging statement, trust me. Most of the guys are creeps which is why I usually took other guys with me and we’d just act like we were together but some of these things are really nice. The charity gala’s, art openings and a few concerts are actually worth it and great experiences. However, they should have made it in my jar challenge but they didn’t because I was faking it. I’m not great at faking it which is where the wine comes in. The wine, makes it easier to fake things or to put me to sleep. The liquor makes me excitable. That’s why on my fake dates I stay away from liquor. 🙂

So, a few of these events came up today. My ex and I were talking about them and for some reason we’d gotten on to the “marriage” subject and he’d asked if I would have ever married him. Just so we’re all clear, he’s a happily married man so this wasn’t flirtation but more inquisitive. I’d recalled that as far as we’d gotten in our relationship, we’d talked about not getting married but buying a small house and adopting a lot of dogs. We’d both felt like marriage was a path that neither of us wanted to go down… Oh how things change. I’m telling you, this is the curse of “You always want what you can’t have.” When I could have been I didn’t want it and now there’s no one that’s interested that I would consider.

I guess the reason I bring this up is because THE friend is the closest I’ve had to a male roommate and could be the best possible “fake date” to take to all these shindigs except I’m not really interested in going with someone who would probably try to get every single girls number there. That would be missing the point but me pointing that out would make him think that I’m doing it for other reasons and then we’d fall into this cycle.

We’d gotten over or past the whole “forgetting an evening together” thing that I was so pissed about. He’d explained and I listened. Still made me mad but not everything has to be a huge fight. That’s one thing we’re kind of getting good at, and that’s communicating. He’s been sharing a lot more of his childhood than he has in the past and I find it beautiful. I love seeing his little face with the cheeks when he was a kid. So add that to the checkbox list. Ugh, it’s getting ridiculous. Check, Check, Check, Check. God and I need to have a serious talk because he is just being cruel to me now. Still considering the lobotomy thing… Really.

But moving on, the ex and I kind of went into a long conversation about the whole marriage thing. It was a bit weird and unexpected. I guess it is wedding season. That’s probably why I’m trying to get in shape quickly because I’ll have to go to another shitload of them this year. I have donated so many dresses that I’ve had to wear. The only thing I like about it is the dressing up part. I used to do makeup for brides and that was always fun plus the money wasn’t half bad either. Alright, now I’m just rambling. I’m going to curl up on the couch pantless and watch some TV or do something else that’s completely unproductive. I hate that I’m so predictable lately. I hate predictable.

Hope you’re having a great week. It’s funny to me that sometimes, I don’t even get to the best parts of my day or week. I just start going off on a tangent. Oh well. That’s predictable too.

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Making Changes… For the Sake of Love.

Today was an interesting day. I won’t even go into the work stuff. Blah, don’t want to think about that but I will say that my boss and I (the asshole) will be competing against each other in the gallon of water a day challenge. Once I explained to him that liquor doesn’t count I think he thought that he might just not win this one.

After work though, on the way to dinner, my “arm candy” man called. I talked about him before in another post (Arm Candy Post) basically he was this hot rich dude that I would take to charity benefit things mostly because he’d donate a crap load of money if I’d ask him to. We’ve not spoken in a while but he’d called to update me on his life. He is having a baby and this is completely unexpected. I was happy for him but he’d explained that he didn’t really get along with the mother of his soon to be child. Obviously, they got on well enough.

Fighting or arguing, is passion to me. Well, it depends on who it’s with I guess but he’s just a really laid back guy and she’s apparently crazy but not his brand of crazy. So I’d asked what it was that he didn’t like. He named off a few good points but a few were pretty trivial, like he was just trying to pick out stuff he didn’t like. Then he said, “I can’t ask her to change can I?”. Hmm, good question. My response was, “Yes, depending on the issue”. Then he’d ask me what would be acceptable.

So I broke it down like this… If someone wanted me to change something about myself that was harming to me then I would do it. For instance, if they asked me to quit smoking, I would do it for a man I was serious about. But if they wanted me to change my clothes or hair or something like that, that’s just shitty. I’ve never dated a guy and said “If you’d only wear this or grow your hair out or shave your chest”. But I have said “Hey you need to stop drinking so much, doing drugs or eat better.”

There’s a line that is allowed to be crossed when you’re with someone like that. It goes beyond a friendship and into a potential partnering. Proving you’re not dating for sport, anyone you date could or should be someone that you see yourself sharing a life with. Sharing a life means they get to know the intimate details of your health problems, maybe sharing a credit card or bank account and at the very least knowing a password or two. So, yes, I went on to explain if I was serious about someone then I’d willing change whatever I needed to.

This news apparently shocked him. Which is funny since it’s the second time that I’ve said that this month and shocked someone. My friend from the northeast believes that whoever is able to “lock me down” might just be the strongest, greatest man on earth. That’s going a bid overboard and I think he’d had too much to drink when he said that but it is nice to know that someone feels that way.

We’d ended the conversation while I was out having dinner and then continued it when I was on my way home. I had basically just reiterated everything I’d said before and told him that maybe, just maybe this was his opportunity to change for the better. There was never much wrong with him, except for the fact that he was a playboy, he’d even been to the actual Playboy mansion, to prove my point. That’s the reason I never hooked up with him. He’d been around the block way too many times. Actually he never went around the same block twice for what it’s worth, except for this one.

I’m not sure I changed his mind at all or made him understand anything new but I’m hoping my assistance helped him. It’s crazy the things you’ll do for love. The changes you’ll do for love. I realized when I got home that he was the owner of one of my favorite shirts. It’s a huge Polo jeans shirt which I wear to bed and I never remembered where I’d gotten it till now. In that moment, that specific moment, I realized how sad it was that I didn’t have any real thing in my home that came from someone that I loved. I’ve always made such a point to give forgotten or left items back that I’m left with nothing of someone else’s. I mean, I have gifts from men but nothing that belongs to them that I have. For some reason that seems sad to me tonight.

Well, that was the most interesting part of my night I guess. Even with the solar eclipse tonight, there’s been no earth shattering event. I guess that’s good or not. I don’t even know anymore. It’s late. I’m going to run and then, hopefully, fall into a dream state that I won’t want to be woken from.

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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27 Days of Music – The Q’s…

I was thinking today, that it’s been a long time since I’ve had a “John Hughes 80 movie moment” in my life. I’m beginning to miss those a lot. The passion, the surprises and the moments that end up in the front of your mind forever. I’m still having fun and enjoying myself but there’s been nothing that’s happened lately that I think about in the middle of the day and just smile like an idiot for a reason only I know. Maybe I used all my movie moments up? That would be sad if I did.

Enjoy today’s music.

GrungeBG

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27 Days of Music – The N’s… and some rambling.

The fun is officially over, for now. My BFF has been here since Wednesday and we’ve had some stupid, awesome fun. We went to our usual spot for dinner one night and got free drinks. We made up an air band where she plays air base and guitar and I sing and play air drums. We watched strippers and enjoyed screwing with men for pleasure for a while and took some cool photos.

But now she’s gone and while we were getting snippy with each other I miss the company. I did, however, go to a movie with another friend tonight after she left. That was fun also but he’s in a place where all I want to do is throw out a lifeline but that’s hard to do when you know that person doesn’t  want to catch it.

He fulfills my need to want to take care of someone except he won’t let me take care of him.  On the same token I’m not sure he feels comfortable enough to be able to ask for the help that he might need. I’ve never, in my life, wanted so badly to make sure someone is ok.

With that statement above being said, this is where my heart, head and mouth do not see eye to eye. It’s been a dysfunctional relationship with those three parts of my body since as long as I can remember. My head says, “Be honest. Tell him something real and helpful”. My heart says, “reach out and just put your hand on his and let him know that he’s going to be ok. You’ll make sure of it.” My mouth says something like, “Ok well, don’t be an asshole, stupid and let me know if you need anything.”

This reminds me of what I’m supposed to say or do in these situations, per my therapist. I was told that if there was something that I wanted to say or something I wanted to do to at least write it down and help get my jumbled thoughts out and arranged in some semblance of logical thought then, if it doesn’t leave your head after that then consider telling that person what it is you want to say.

That is difficult on so many levels. First, I fear that the help I want to give him is more than a “friend” should and I don’t want him to think that I can’t separate myself from my feelings. Second, it seems as though he wants to stay in this weird, playful, friend-zone so I’m trying not to be all “girly” with my actions or words to not make him feel uncomfortable. Lastly, I’m just not sure he can handle all of the truth that I have bottled up inside me.

This is all probably why ecstasy was my drug of choice. When my friends and I were doing it there was “nuttin’ but love baby”. We were all honest, to a fault, with each other and there was so much love taken in and equally thrown out. I never looked at it as a drug induced illusion because it was all truth. But, I’ve grown up and out of the drug phase of my life which has left me with this secretive, hold everything in persona. My BFF has this issue with me all the time. She thinks I’ve gotten better through the years but it’s still not where it should be.

So, in honor of my therapist tonight, I thought I’d write out my letter to my friend as these words will, likely, never pass my lips to him.

“Another fun night out with you. To spend time with you, in any capacity, is worth it. We, I feel, share a bond that has been tested and tested and is still there. Some days it hangs by a string and other days it feels unbreakable. There’s a sense of nurturing emotions that flood through me when you say some of the things you do. Some days, I feel like laying your head in my lap, letting you cry every last tear you have and stroking your head just so you realize that no matter how bad it gets you’ll have someone by your side. I don’t care if your glasses are lop-sided, if you can only wear your fat pants or that you can’t muster the strength to get out of bed some days. I will be there, if you ask. I don’t care if you’re grumpy, angry or lethargic. I will be there, if you ask. The worst day with you, is still better than some of the best days with other boys. Some days I want to apologize that I fell in love with you, although I couldn’t and can’t control it but most days, I realize that you’ve still given me the one thing that none of them could ever give me. You gave and continue to give me comfort, and full, complete and unapologetic love. I will probably always fear that you’ll be gone one day, for good. It’s always in the back of my mind but it won’t stop me from living in the moment, as long as our moments are real. No jealousy. No lies. No censoring.

I know how you feel about yourself but the truth, in my eyes, is that any man I’ll be with since seeing you again, will always be second place, in my heart. I will have to, eventually, be in a relationship with someone that will remind me of what we have. It won’t be the same. It won’t be perfect but I know that all these thoughts are only shared by me. I still believe in fate and I still believe that you have a much greater purpose on this earth, but until you figure out what that is, I think you might have saved me. You saved one person, at least.

One day, I’ll need you to actually tell me what this was to you, what I am to you. I’ll need to hear that because I deserve that. Hopefully, the day will come that will allow you to articulate what this whole relationship is to you because I need to know that it’s made a difference. That it’s helped. I don’t want to continue thinking that I am just a distraction from reality for you. I actually want to be able to have repaid some of these emotions back to you.

With all that said, I still love you, completely.”

Well, apparently, that needed to come out in some way. I feel better but I’m sure this is the part where someone says “You should really tell him that”. I’m sure that’s not the case right now.

Today is my Saturday, since I’m off on Monday and I need to get used to my quiet home. I liked having my BFF here when I got home and I like having someone that I’m so succinct with. I have that with two people. One, my BFF, who doesn’t even live in the same city as me and the other the friend I wrote about above who doesn’t even live in the same galaxy as I do sometimes. I gotta say, life is strange and hard and wonderful and trying and beautiful. You just have to know where to look for the beauty. Sometimes, it’s in the poke of a friend during a movie, or a moment when something real stumbles out of someones mouth, or it’s in the air drumming/guitaring while shopping at midnight. Sometimes, it’s in the truth of a tear, a hug or an ‘I Love You’.

I feel like I should have been drunk to write all that but I wasn’t. Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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27 Days of Music – The M’s…

Still having too much fun to write much but tomorrow will be much slower, I think. Hope you’re having a great weekend!

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