I did a strange thing today. Strange for me anyway. I went through all my old photos and printed some of my favorite ones out to put on my wall of pictures. While I did this I had a revelation. My revelation was that instead of ignoring, trying to forget or hiding the memories over the last few years, today was the first day I wanted to remember the good times. So I printed a few here and a few there and now my wall has some great reminders of some really great days.
Also, feeling nostalgic I guess, I went back and read some old posts on here and also realized just how angry I’ve been and just how sad I’ve been. But I can finally feel like I can breath again. I guess time does actually heal things. I also figured out that it wasn’t always about someone else’s actions that made me that way. I realized that it was more about what I wanted to be that I knew was never going to be.
Some of this is part of my therapy of 2016 so that I can reach my goals. Part of this is to understand what exactly happened on that day to make me feel the way it did and a lot of my emotions came from places that I didn’t realize at the time but am fully and completely more aware of them now more than ever.
But the most important lesson that I’ve learned is that I am still ok. After all the shitty stuff that’s happened, and not just in the last part of last year but my whole life, I’m ok. I’m still here and there’s a reason for that. I’m almost sure that the reason is not so that I can accumulate the most amount of shoes that any one’s owned and I’m also sure that I’m not here to be a human punchline for the man upstairs.
It did feel at times that there was a cosmic joke being played and I was the pawn. I guess, when you’re at your lowest, you try to blame everything one else for the sadness, anger or confusion. There were absolutely people that added fuel to the fire pit of shitty emotions but some of those didn’t even know who I was. They just wanted to take their shitty moods out on someone else.
I now know what I want out of life and how to handle situations differently. I now know that this is what being a real human adult feels like. People used to say that when you have your first big bill or car note or rent or mortgage, that’s when you feel like a real adult but I don’t think it actually happens until you get your heart broken, even by accident. That’s when you realize that this shit is real.
People also say that sometimes, when life is bad, just when you think it can’t get worse, it might actually start to get better. My history has usually proven that this is not the case. Mine usually gets worse but when things are out of your control then I suppose you just have to “roll with the punches” OR you can just live your life and throw your own punches back. I like that idea better.
It’s been a nice weekend so far, with all the memories. I’ve had a good, relaxing and contemplative weekend. I still have my Sunday left and I hope to still stay in this mood. I like this place I’m in. It’s a bit of a solitary mood but visitors are more than welcome to come in. They can stay, eat some good luck soup and watch 14 different types of streaming TV. The best part about this mood is that I can be alone, yet not lonely and if there was a visitor, we could just sit without words and I’d be ok. Not that I’m much of a talker anyway.
There’s still much to organize and even though I’m a control freak who is being driven insane with the clutter around me, I know I can’t do it all in one day. I will probably need a handy man for some of these things but it’ll get to the zen place that I picture in my mind one day. The best part about this weekend, though, is that it’s raining. I always like the rain after midnight on New Years because it feels like it helps to wash away the bad shit, cleanse and drown out the sins of the previous year. It helps everything be fresh and new again.
So, these are my ramblings at 3 in the morning. Thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a nice weekend as well.