Strange things and memories…

I did a strange thing today. Strange for me anyway. I went through all my old photos and printed some of my favorite ones out to put on my wall of pictures. While I did this I had a revelation. My revelation was that instead of ignoring, trying to forget or hiding the memories over the last few years, today was the first day I wanted to remember the good times. So I printed a few here and a few there and now my wall has some great reminders of some really great days.

Also, feeling nostalgic I guess, I went back and read some old posts on here and also realized just how angry I’ve been and just how sad I’ve been. But I can finally feel like I can breath again. I guess time does actually heal things. I also figured out that it wasn’t always about someone else’s actions that made me that way. I realized that it was more about what I wanted to be that I knew was never going to be.

Some of this is part of my therapy of 2016 so that I can reach my goals. Part of this is to understand what exactly happened on that day to make me feel the way it did and a lot of my emotions came from places that I didn’t realize at the time but am fully and completely more aware of them now more than ever.

But the most important lesson that I’ve learned is that I am still ok. After all the shitty stuff that’s happened, and not just in the last part of last year but my whole life, I’m ok. I’m still here and there’s a reason for that. I’m almost sure that the reason is not so that I can accumulate the most amount of shoes that any one’s owned and I’m also sure that I’m not here to be a human punchline for the man upstairs.

It did feel at times that there was a cosmic joke being played and I was the pawn. I guess, when you’re at your lowest, you try to blame everything one else for the sadness, anger or confusion. There were absolutely people that added fuel to the fire pit of shitty emotions but some of those didn’t even know who I was. They just wanted to take their shitty moods out on someone else.

I now know what I want out of life and how to handle situations differently. I now know that this is what being a real human adult feels like. People used to say that when you have your first big bill or car note or rent or mortgage, that’s when you feel like a real adult but I don’t think it actually happens until you get your heart broken, even by accident. That’s when you realize that this shit is real.

People also say that sometimes, when life is bad, just when you think it can’t get worse, it might actually start to get better. My history has usually proven that this is not the case. Mine usually gets worse but when things are out of your control then I suppose you just have to “roll with the punches” OR you can just live your life and throw your own punches back. I like that idea better.

It’s been a nice weekend so far, with all the memories. I’ve had a good, relaxing and contemplative weekend. I still have my Sunday left and I hope to still stay in this mood. I like this place I’m in. It’s a bit of a solitary mood but visitors are more than welcome to come in. They can stay, eat some good luck soup and watch 14 different types of streaming TV. The best part about this mood is that I can be alone, yet not lonely and if there was a visitor, we could just sit without words and I’d be ok. Not that I’m much of a talker anyway.

There’s still much to organize and even though I’m a control freak who is being driven insane with the clutter around me, I know I can’t do it all in one day. I will probably need a handy man for some of these things but it’ll get to the zen place that I picture in my mind one day. The best part about this weekend, though, is that it’s raining. I always like the rain after midnight on New Years because it feels like it helps to wash away the bad shit, cleanse and drown out the sins of the previous year. It helps everything be fresh and new again.

So, these are my ramblings at 3 in the morning. Thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a nice weekend as well.

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Holiday Dreams and New Years Wishes…

Last night I had a dream. I was sitting on the floor next to a fireplace and I was wrapping my In-laws gifts. My other half was sitting on the couch halfway watching TV and we were making jokes, laughing and sharing stories of our past Christmases. This is weird to me because I’ve never done that with any man I’ve dated. I, kind of, made it a point to check out a few days before the holidays so I wouldn’t have to deal with the holiday as a couple. Ironic, since this years it’s all that’s been on my mind.

I spent the evening packing, cleaning up a bit and doing a mental inventory of what I needed to remember tomorrow. I was taking care to wrap my skin care and makeup so it doesn’t leak everywhere and being bombarded with texts. Everyone with the question, “Hey, what are you doing? Do you have time to get together?” I guess I needed some alone time. But I’ll have plenty to do when I get back.

I’ve been inundated with “peaceful and meditative” gifts. Lots of art items, coloring books & pencils, essential oils and a diffuser, book and other things. In theory, when I get back, I have all the elements to be a zen master. We shall see. I’ve got the board games, the Christmas coffee cake and a few surprise items that I ONLY have because I will be entertaining my niece. That, I am happy about.

I realized that this will be the first year in a couple that I won’t have a surprise guest at my home upon my return. I kind of thought that might have become some sort of a tradition. I suppose that wish has expired. I wish I could say that something more substantial and more meaningful has replaced that but it has not. This is the time of year to make amends, to be thankful or to right the wrongs but all I can do is just state that I miss what I’ve had for the last two years and it’s hard to not have it this year. Again, this must be where “Everything happens, happens for a reason”. Sometimes I want to throat-punch the person who came up with that phrase, other times I just nod my head and say, “Yep, of course it does”.

I will say that I am still in the holiday spirit, even though it might not sound like it. I have my Snoopy and Elf Christmas shirts packed with my red chuck all stars. I have all things ready to be moved into my car and hopefully a decent start off in the morning. Before I leave though I wanted to say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you all. I wanted to thank you for reading these weird, boring, sometimes comical parts of my life.

I hope that you are all surrounded by loved ones, happy and content. Be grateful for what you have, right now, today. One day it might not be there and you’ll wish it was taken care of better. Hugs to you all (and I’m not even a hugger). More later. Good night.

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Weekend’s Nurturing Nature…

I’ve, at this moment, decided against the music festival, unless absolutely coerced tomorrow. I had this horrible nightmare that I’d be out there in the cold and probably catch the flu, right before having to travel for Christmas. This did not appeal to me at all. That’s not to say that my weekend, or at least my Saturday still instant booked like crazy though. At this point I’ll be running around like a mad woman tomorrow and then come home to just chill out for the rest of the weekend. Maybe some cooking, cleaning or something nurturing is in the cards. Apparently, “they” say that right before women ovulate (sorry guys) they start to nest or organize or rearrange and that is all kicking in full force right now, for some reason.

While I spent my day at work, doing a bit of running around after, I’ve been really focused on chunking crap away. But here’s where my OCD comes in. I pulled out all the Christmas wrapping paper from the back of the closet, brought it to the living room and went back to organize the closet. Then I started going through shoes which soon turned into folding my t-shirts which made me realize that I’d inadvertently purchased a shirt for my friend that I don’t see anymore. That made me sad so I refolded and stuffed in the back of the drawer.

That made me a bit sad that we will end this year not having seen each other for three / four months and that might just lead to forever. But then I realize that I’d prayed to God and asked that if my friend not be in my life for the right reasons then to not have him in my life at all. Then that made me sad that if my prayers were actually answered it was because I’d feared the worst and it came true. But then I started cleaning again, and wrapping and keeping busy to not think about it at all because I’m tired of being sad. 

It’s gotten easier to have not seen him but it still makes me miss the fun we used to have. It might actually be the hardest thing I’ve done, to stay away and not reach out, knowing that I’m going to always have feelings for him. It would probably be horrible for him to know that of all the boys and out of the two loves of my life he was the biggest or most profound. I still have no idea why either. Just something that I felt, connected or intimate. Regardless, that’s an old chapter that’s been read over and closed for a while now. On to other less intense things now.

So, I’m almost done wrapping and have a few stops left on this crazy “getting ready for Christmas” journey but I feel good about it this year. Even though I’ve stayed busy with people, shopping and other crap I’ve still managed to have “me” time. I’m sure by the time it’s all over I’ll just collapse in my bed for at least a day.

One thing that’s on the agenda, over the holiday, is that my BFF and I are going to sit down and come up with some life goals or try to fix each others lives a bit. These WILL NOT be resolutions. They will be permanent changes. I’m ready for some permanent changes in my life, whether it’s a move, a job change or something. Stagnation is not acceptable for me and I’ve been stagnant for too long. I have a feeling it’ll be a long conversation between the two of us. Our lives have been pretty effed up lately.

So that’s my rambling tonight or I should say morning since it’s 3:30 in the am on Saturday. I’ve got some more wrapping to do tonight then up at 10 to start my day. Hope you are all having a great weekend.

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Missing things and feeling like a kid…

My neighbors that just moved in next door are so cute. They argue like siblings but they are obviously completely in love with each other. Their relationship makes me miss that type of relationships. The one where you can argue, wrestle, scream and then laugh and hug and kiss. It’s been way too long since I’ve had a fun, bonding relationship like that. That makes me miss it way too much. They are enviably too cute. I can almost not remember the days when I had fun like that. Most of the men I’ve been around and dated just wouldn’t understand that type of “thing”. Obviously I’ve spent too much time with the wrong ones.

I’ve put myself on a sabbatical again to try to get away from the negative crap and that comes from others. The men and their need to dominate in all things and chase dreams of money and power is just something I’m not into and find so terribly unappealing. If I have to have another dinner with someone talking about their stocks and 3rd quarter earnings I’m going to just go throat punch them all. I’m also so tired of trying to have a discussion about good music and then they bring up something so mainstream you assume that the first song that plays on their music playlist is Adele’s Hello. It’s a great song but come on people there’s so much more music out there and if I hear that song one more time I’m going to just scream. When someone says they’re a “music lover” or their library must have something other than top 40, the Weeknd and Adele… Just staying an annoyance here. But moving on…

I’m not really sure what I’m going to replace that time with, since it was a lot of my free time but something healthy. Obviously travel is in the near future for the holidays but I really do want just one weekend to be free, a kid again and my craving for unpredictability is overwhelming. I’m a slave to routine but am needing to have something shock me. People don’t shock me, especially men. Sometimes, on these dates, I felt like I could have been one of those pull string toys that have about 10 preset responses. Pull my string and any one of my replies would be acceptable because NOTHING shocks me anymore.

That’s why it’s nice to have a carefree, feeling like a kid again weekend. Al though it seems like every time I’m around my family, which is a lot lately, I resort back to this teenager. I’m the youngest one there who’s still single and I feel like everyone has to check to make sure I’m eating properly, if my school work is getting done or if I need a few extra bucks allowance. I almost want to eat at the kids table during the holidays just so it feels right.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate it all but it’s a contrast of not having much of a childhood and now feeling like I’ve never left it. Strange place to be and even harder to explain. I’m pretty sure that if I’m not in some sort of a relationship where I don’t mind bringing my date to the family next year, I’m going to just take a two month cruise or trip somewhere else instead.

That’s a strange thought. I’ve never actually taken anyone to my holidays, not intentionally anyway. There’s only one guy I would have ever brought and I think I asked him once but other than that my family never usually gets to meet my dates. That’s not true, they usually get to meet them accidentally. That’s a whole other story but for another night.

I’ve actually completed my adult tasks for the day, dishes, work and I’ll be finishing up my exercise soon then it’s meditation and some sort of TV that will be on in the background as I play around on my computer not paying any attention to it what-so-ever. I don’t actually remember the last thing I watched and actually paid attention to.

It was an early post for me tonight in hopes of doing something predictably important later. Hope you’re all having a wonderful week.

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Feeling like a drunk monkey without the alcohol…

I’m sitting here and my A.D.D. has kicked into high speed. I’ve got the TV on, watching some crap I’m sure I’ve seen before, with my iPad in my lap doing stuff on there, my iPhone next to me replying to people in between phone conversations and typing my post for tonight. I guess you could say I’m trying to keep my mind busy.

I’ve had a weird week. I sit here, alone (yet not lonely) mid-week and the most exciting part of my week is after my workouts, after my dinners out, after parties, to just put on my Flashdance shirt and relax completely soberingly sober. I thought about having a glass of wine but decided against it. I’m not one to drink alone. Part of my weird week is because I’ve been asked out three times this week by all different guys and I have absolutely no interest in any of them. I’m so over this dating crap.

I’m much more interested in my workout challenge that’s going pretty well so far. What I have learned though is that I have the balance of a drunk monkey. I’d love to be someone who’s awesome at yoga but the truth is, I have no effing balance what-so-ever. I honestly don’t know how I became a cheerleader or how I was ever in dance. Somewhere along the way my equilibrium has gotten twisted or something. So, I’m doing these challenges and thanking the man upstairs that I’m doing them alone because otherwise I’d look like an idiot to any other human. I’m slightly embarrassed for myself. BUT I’m trying which is what they’re all about.

The challenge consists of 2 miles a day and it’s been three days but I’ve already almost done ten miles. I’m excited about that and the fact that I’ve still had a social life the whole time too. In years past, I’ve worked so late that it’s either a workout day or a go eff off day but never both. Now, I’ve decided that I’m not working for the man past five o’clock anymore. In fact, as of 5:01 it’s my time! By then there’s a me shaped hole in the front door cause I can’t leave fast enough. Then I’ve been coming home, changing, working out, then going out. Granted it’s only been three days but I’m happy about it so far.

My family has been really up my ass about going to visit them. They’re only 2/3 hours away but oh I hate that drive, especially alone. It’s so boring and by the time I leave work I’m so not in the mood for that but I do know that’s something I need to do sooner than later. I’d gotten tickets to the ACL festival there but that didn’t work out as planned 😦 so I’m going to have to sell them or find someone that can take off three days. There’s some really great bands there too and of course I miss my little niece. She’s such a tiny adult it’s so weird. I really should get or have one of those little tiny adults soon or a puppy. I’d much rather have a kid though.

I’m in a bit of a weird mood tonight as you can tell. My mind is everywhere and I have to keep checking to see if there’s a full moon out. Somethings happening up there in the stars. That’s all I do know. I’m not sure if it’s for the good or bad but somethings brewing. It’s it too late to think about taking my Friday afternoon nap? I feel like my thoughts are exhausting me right now. They’re jumping from one thing to another, from one person to another. I am obviously feeling much better after last weekend and the shitty shit I had to deal with. Still not quite 100 percent but getting there or as close to it as I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my sleeping pill is no where close to kicking in and even though it’s almost 11:00 I have a strange desire to go take a walk outside. Probably not the best idea but I seem to have some residual energy that needs to find it’s way out of me soon.

I’m still not entirely sure that I’m not bipolar or a bit crazy. I really am all over the place right now, like I’ve had too much coffee but I know that’s not it. Hell, I have no idea. I am just happy I’m not crying or in pain in this very moment. I am feeling quirky though. We’ll see where this mood leads me tonight… Good night 🙂

This will probably be one of those posts I read later and think “WTF!”. I promise you though I’m mind numbingly sober right now. Maybe I shouldn’t be. Maybe I’m just trying to keep my mind of other things or people.

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Better day I suppose…

Well, there’s been no crying yet, which is good and I heard from him once today. It was a tiny little text. They still make me smile and I’m reminded that he’s thought of me in that moment and then it becomes two weeks and nothing. So, I try not to care too much. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it a lot. My mood has been up and down today, all day. Also, whether it’s because of the depression or the medication to help quit smoking I’ve lost ten pounds in 7 days. I guess that’s a plus.

It’s just hard when I look over this stupid fucking pattern we have. I hate this pattern and it’s all his. He’ll be around for days then off with another for weeks, then back again for a few days then off again with another. For someone who’s had a lot of bad luck in his life I hope he realizes that he’s gotten to do a lot of things that others haven’t. He’s gotten to reap rewards that people choose to bestow on him. His situation sucks, I’m sure a lot of the time but I’ve always been concerned that if his situation wasn’t what it is then we would have never had this friendship at all.

Looking over the last couple years though, we’ve had some special occasions. I’ve spent the last two of his birthdays treating him and making sure his birthday was whatever he wanted. We spent Christmas together the first year and Thanksgiving together the second year. And we got into huge fights after both those holidays… That just made me laugh. We’re stupid and weird but sometimes we’re awesome and sometimes we suck. Right now we suck and he doesn’t even know there’s anything wrong.

This is where he would say “Don’t shut me out. Fucking tell me if there’s something wrong”. Except for the fact that I hate sounding like a broken record. I think, right now, I just need to have one nights sleep where his mother isn’t in my dreams. That would help so much. I’ve never even met the woman because he didn’t want me to. He gave some BS about her being mean and he didn’t want her to hurt my feelings or make me cry but I think it had more to do with the fact that he didn’t want her to think we were anything more than just friends. Not to mention the irony that HE’S the ONLY person that hurts my feelings or makes me cry. Mostly because his opinion matters to me, which is a one way street.

I will share a funny story though, kind of. When my GBF came over the other day and I finally unloaded everything on him he had his own special opinion of what I should do. Basically, I told him about the ex and about the friend and how all this was just making me sad because I could be married and starting a family right now but I don’t want to with my ex. So, my GBF suggested that I ask for my friends sperm. 😐 He said that it would be like him paying me back for all the favors and I’d get to have a child and not have to deal with a relationship. My response was, “He’s been saying he wants to share custody of a dog with me for two years and that’s never happened. Are you kidding me?” The saddest part was I wasn’t opposed to the idea. Blah, the silly things we think about when we’re sad.

All I know is that tomorrow is Friday and I’m so very happy about that. Work, then early dinner and drinks and hopefully home without pants by 10:00 pm. Then maybe I’ll sleep till Monday morning. I really haven’t felt this sad or hurt in a very long time and sometimes it feels so stupid and sometimes I realize that my feelings are not silly, they’re valid and it’s ok that I’m sad. I just don’t want to stay here for too long. Whether we work all this out or not, whether he continues to be in my life or not I need to learn to be ok soon because I hate this feeling. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Still today, I prayed for him and a happy life for him and I asked God to take care of him, not that he doesn’t have swarms of women that do that as well but maybe some guidance. What the heck do I know? But I did sneak in a few requests from God for myself as well. I asked that I be happy soon and I asked him to show me proof that my friend is meant to be in my life or if I was just here to help him this far and my job is over. That sounds bad. He was never a job. Still love this kid, apparently that doesn’t just go away and apparently it will never go away.

So that’s where my mind is tonight. It’s not bad nor good but somewhere in between. Today was better than yesterday and hopefully not as good as tomorrow. I found these two quotes today that seemed to sum up how I feel in this moment. And on a completely girly note, I’m also putting up my favorite artist, Leonid Afremov and for some reason this particular print makes me think of me and my friend… Oh, how I wish I would stop thinking like a girl with him. He wants to wrestle and I want to cuddle. I’ve never been that girl before IN MY LIFE! Blah, Good Night!

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