Emotional breakdown with a side of reality…

I had finally reached my breaking point yesterday. I just physically broke down. So, in an attempt to be a true friend, my GBF came over today with tissues in hand. I literally look as though someone has punch both my eyes. They are both swollen and red and I’ll need to come up with a great excuse as to why they look so bad for work tomorrow. But the GBF succeeded in pulling out all the information from the last couple of months. I think he was more shocked at the information rather than the intended resolution I’d come up with yesterday. He also had a completely different outcome in mind.

You see, my GBF has always been a huge advocate of “my friends” saying that he really does care and a lot of other BS that I always rolled my eyes at. So, even with the knowledge of my ex, my GBF is still on his side 100%. But these are the facts, as I see them. Has my friend lied to me? Yes, does it matter that I think that it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt me? Maybe. That’s such a huge thing to me, the lying. But aside from that I sat and thought about writing a “Dear John” letter today but knowing that he wouldn’t read it if I did. One thing you have to understand is that I’ve never had a friendship like this before. I’ve never questioned why a friend or a boyfriend has been by my side but his situation is so different.

Just to get it out of my system I’ll let you read the letter…

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend to just be your friend. My feelings for you won’t go away so I need to not have you in my life because it hurts too much. I turned down a marriage proposal not that long ago because I knew I’d never feel about him the way that I feel about you.

You emotionally effect me more than anyone I’ve ever known and I think that you manipulate me because of my feelings. I think that you use me when no one else is around to keep your attention, and I think that you don’t care because you think I’ll always be around, as a last resort to your boredom. I deserve a better friend. I never expected you to love me back but I did expect respect, compassion and someone that I could count on. You said that “X” needs you more right now and that’s why you spend time with him and because I don’t need you at all. I did need you but you never wanted me to actually need you, that was too much responsibility for you.

I can’t get passed the disregard of monetary payback. It’s as if you’ve forgotten about the 520.00 for the application fees that you’ve never attempted to pay back. In this entire time we’ve been friends I’ve spent thousands on you and yes, you didn’t ask for a lot of it but things like the app fees and the tow haven’t even crossed your mind and then you choose to tell me of things you’ve bought your friends, outings, gifts and a new bike, all that became more important than paying back a favor or several. You told me of these gifts and outings without any regard to my feelings, as if you did it with malice.

You DO treat others better than me. You’re kinder, show more concern and you have this charming side with them that I’ve never seen from you. You take your anger out around me, you disregard my feelings and you drop me at a moments notice when someone else comes along. You acknowledge their existence in your life freely but I’m some sort of secret.

I prayed every night that nothing came about with your work stuff and I was fully prepared to help you out no matter what the cost until I realized that I can’t do this to myself anymore because you are not and have never been my responsibility. I have always treated you as someone in my life that you’ve never been. I treated you like a boyfriend when I was getting treated like a piece of trash in return. I deserve better from you.

This pains me to type this because I do love you so much and I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you accidentally have broken my heart over and over again and you’ll keep doing it because I let you. You have more than enough people, especially women, in your life that this won’t effect you at all. It might even take you a long time to notice that I’m gone. I will never be replaceable and one day I need you to acknowledge that I wasn’t. I need to be around friends that I’ve never questioned their love. I never knew that there was a point where you could love someone too much. Maybe I was loving you for the both of us.

If you choose to reply please do not do so in anger. This is not an angry message. it’s a painful one and anger does not help. This doesn’t take away the appreciation I have for the things that you have done, but I have just become aware of what you could have done, how you could have treated me and that others who’ve given you less have gotten more from you.”

And there you have it folks the most honest truth that I can give right now. It’s never been his fault that I could see a future with us, kids, a good life. I would never tell him that because he’s just too jaded to hear that. I’ve loved beyond words and have been hurt beyond comprehension. Short of a miracle this is actually it for us. I can’t keep putting myself in the position to have my heart broken over and over again.

I hope to feel better soon. Good Night.


Ten Questions asked by others…

I’ve always thought these were kind of fun and it makes it so I don’t have to think that hard. I’m so tired of thinking or over-thinking I should say. Over the course of having this site, each time I start fresh, I usually always get new questions. Most I’ll email back but some, especially if I get asked the same question a few times, I’ll just post about them. So that is tonight’s post. Feel free to ask anything you like. It’s easy when we don’t really know each other.

1 When did you start blogging or writing and why? I think I’ve had this site for five maybe six years. I think I initially wanted to actually make a difference but now it just seems to be an online journal. I’ve been writing my whole life though. Poems, short stories, business plans. I’ve always like the process. I’m much more a fan of the written word but leaving trails of thoughts around my home never really appealed to me. If you look in the deepest, darkest corners of where I live you’ll find some really weird shit I’m sure.

2 Last movie you’ve watched? Okay, I was called out earlier this month for not really being a true Brit because I’d never seen all the Harry Potter movies. I was given them as a gift but like many movies in my home, I’d never watched them so I finally did. Between Friday through Monday I watched all eight movies. They weren’t bad. I feel my secretly hidden British accent coming out more with each and every movie. This is the great part about a break-up. You have an excuse to hunker down in your own space and watch whatever you want.

3 Is there any music that you don’t like? What’s your favorite? I like all music. I have everything from rock, pop, new age, country, rap, Spanish. I am not hardcore into rap or country but I can appreciate the talent. My absolute favorite really depends on the mood. When I’m trying to relax in a bath I love listening to anything with a violin, classical or meditation music. When I’m pissed I like Disturbed, In This Moment or something trashingly hardcore. When I’m sad, I’ll through out a melancholy mix of acoustic or indie.

4 Can you name all the concerts you’ve seen? Probably not. I’m sure my memory will fail me but there goes… Tori Amos, Dave Matthews, Sting, Elton John, Bastille, Blue October, 30 Foot Fall, Pennywise, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Amos Lee, Arcade Fire, Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson, Bush, No Doubt, Goo Goo Dolls, Arctic Monkeys, Foo Fighters, Peter Murphy, Ministry, Beck, Black Crows, The Black Keys, Boy & Bear, Bright Eyes, Clint Black, Citizen Cope, Lords of Acid, Counting Crows, The Cranberries, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Daft Punk, M83, Florence and the Machines, Deadmau5, Sarah McLaughlin, Garbage, Garth Brooks, George Clinton, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Gipsy Kings… Okay I just made it through the first part of my iTunes and I can’t go on… Let’s just say there was a lot! I’m pretty sure I’m missing some big ones too.

5 Biggest lessons you’ve learn? I’ve learned that you can’t replace people with others and get the same effect. I’ve learned that a drunk truth confession is better than 100 sober lies. I’ve learned that what you ask God for, he had a funny way of giving that to you. I’ve learned that there is always a chance for forgiveness and second chances. I’ve learned that self worth isn’t about “likes, tags, posts, emoticons, it’s about being there, in the moment for each chance you get. I’ve learned that even though they days seem long that life is short and you shouldn’t always assume that that opportunity, that person or that experience will always be there. I’ve learn to always repay my debts whether they be financially or otherwise and lastly I’ve learned to never take anyone for granted, EVER.

6 What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a lawyer, more than anything. I’d read all these books, researched cases and even when an summer interned with a friend of my parents but due to a very long story (which I won’t get into) I wasn’t able to go to the school that I wanted to. I still believe that I’m still growing up though so I could change this at any moment.

7 What annoys you the most? I’m going to sound like a broken record with some of these but here goes… I HATE when people don’t give you the thank you wave after you’ve let them in traffic. It annoys me when people don’t clean up after themselves. I hate excuses. I hate blatant disrespect. I don’t like shouting. People who assume blame on others to take it off themselves annoy me. I hate people invading my personal space before I’ve even learned their name. That’s enough of that for now.

8 What things do you love? I love mix CD’s or flash drives. I love the rain. I like naps on Saturday afternoons especially when it rains. I love surprises. I love drunk show-ups after midnight. I’m a real fan of kissing, even when it doesn’t lead to anything else. I love a mans forearm, smooth chest and eyes that can’t be taken off you or when they’ve watching you when you least expect it. I love being woken up to freshly brewed coffee. I love that first sip of water after you’ve just workout like a crazy person and the soreness you feel the next day which reminds you you’ve done something. I love the beach and orchids (of course) and (of course) the color blue and how it looks good on a man. There’s so much more than that.

9 What do you hope to accomplish in the next five years? Well, first, I hope to still be breathing. I’d like to say the standard, “have a husband and family” but we see how that’s worked out so far. I’d like to be healthier and happier but I don’t really know anymore. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

10 What happened with all the proposals? Why’d you say no? This question I got a lot and I’m not sure they’re all easy answers but here goes. The first two proposals I was young and at least smart enough to know that neither were any good for me. I think that in both cases we just clicked really well and I wasn’t a crazy girl and it didn’t matter much where they were or what they were doing when we weren’t together. I’m the girl that doesn’t ask questions. The third wasn’t about love at all. It was about possession. He was a trust fund baby and had everything he wanted. I wasn’t that spectacular (don’t get me wrong, I think I’m awesome) but because I tend to give off this “You’ll never have me” persona (that goes for the soul and mind, less the body) his entitled self thought that he would mark his territory. I was at a very strange place in my life where drugs, sex and rock n roll were the most important things so I’d actually said yes for about five minutes. Then I don’t him I just wasn’t comfortable with him and it wouldn’t work. We’d broken up but during September 11th he’d gone through a lot of stuff. He lost family and was very distraught so he ended up given the ring to me as a thank you. That was a weird reminder. Then, the fourth was my ex that I lost in a car accident this year. I’d written about that before but that didn’t feel right either. This last time, with my ex, I’d always told him that I wasn’t serious about him and that it wouldn’t be anything but fun but he took things way too fast and I just never really felt comfortable with him either.

I’ve not had great luck in the love department. I’ve loved two men unconditionally but none of the one above were those two. My dreams, lately, have been vivid exerts from a chapter in my life that’s not been written yet. I do believe everything happens for a reason and I believe in honesty with myself and the men I’ve dated. If I don’t see a future then I’ll tell them but there again is fate, waiting anxiously for you to move in one direction so something out of no where can be thrown your way. I don’t know, maybe life is really like one of those movies and that boy that you fought with as a child, the one that pulled your pig-tails and pushed you down maybe that’s the one you meet in a bar years later and that’s the one who you end up with, although I never had a childhood boy like that. We shall see.

I’m feeling better than I was earlier though, which is good. I hope this feelings lasts. Hope you’re all having a great day and week. Good Night!

Our Story By: Graham Colton