There are two kinds of women in this world…

So this whole new world order at work isn’t really working out for anyone except my boss right now. He seems to be the one taking all the vacations, time off and coming in late. The remaining two of us, myself and my ex, that still work there are about to form a cou d’eta. But that all has me stressed out.

When I get this stressed I like to confide in my shaman friend (the psychic) because she always has wise words for me and we are friends plus it’s fun to play with her daughters. The last time we saw each other she’d asked how my love life was going. That’s her code for asking about “someone” not really my whole love life. I just kind of gave her a run down of the interested parties, which didn’t include the one she wanted it to. I think she was a bit sad. Not my fault HE’S not interested.

But as I was explaining about the few guys that were, I’d told her about the mechanic. She asked if he was a potential and so I let her read his texts. They basically started off nice but toward the end he was basically asking if I wanted to be FWB’s (friends with benefits). You see, a while back now (and I think I deleted it) but I’d written a post about how I came to have the name of this blog. Since it was either way too long ago or I deleted then I’ll tell the story again…

When I was young, like 12-14ish my parents owned video stores and in those stores they had regular blockbuster movies but they also had these tiny rooms in the back for the non-Disney lovers… Yes, I mean porn. All that was freely available in my home growing up. My parents never had “the talk” with my brother or I (Thank God!) about the birds and the bees but there was more than enough wrong education there anyway. Among these were some very close to X rated movies, basically called “soft-core” porn and I started to watch Red Shoe Diaries which made me interested in the director Zalman King which led me to Wild Orchid. This finally led me to Wild Orchid 2.

I will say this, I’ve watched that same movie recently and it will probably NEVER be as great as the first time but it stuck with me. The main star was this girl named Blue who was a whore. She’s sitting in the living room with a bunch of other women, also in the same profession, and one of them says, “There’s girls you marry and girls you fuck… Never the two shall meet”. Because of situations that I was put in I’d never felt like the girl you marry. I’d always felt the other. It wasn’t a pleasant place to find yourself in. Especially since it’s so far from the truth about me.

While I’ve dated a lot of men, the list of sexual partners is so much less than you could imagine. It bothered me for a long time when I’d meet a guy and all he wanted was sex or he was super nice until he’d realize that I wasn’t about to sleep with him. Most times we’d just turn into friends but it was always in the back of my mind. I even think for a while, in my 20’s I’d just resorted to feel as though I wouldn’t be the one thought of as a wife… Until I was. Then it kept happening and something in me realized that, “Hell yeah! I am good at this if I wanted to be”. Obviously the problem with that is that I never wanted to be wife material to the ones that wanted that.

But moving on back to my friend. When she was done reading the texts she’d said, “Okay, so I need you to do an exercise for me. I need you to write out on a sheet of paper the things you want in a husband or the traits you want to see in someone you’re dating”. Diligently, Friday night, I came late and decided I was in the right frame of mind to write this list. Of course you get to read it and here it is…

Kind, loving, strong yet vulnerable, fun, pampering, caring, religious, honest, looks out for me, asks me how my day was, is generous with words and emotions, spontaneous, thoughtful, passionate, likes to cuddle, is a good hugger and kisser, leaves sweet notes, takes care of me, sings, dances, notices the small things, surprises me, cries in front of me, tells me things that he’s not told anyone, someone who is straight-forward with their thoughts and feelings, shares his day freely, respectful, compassionate, likes music, imperfect, grateful… a beautiful soul.

No where in there was rich, handsome or perfect. I don’t need someone to financially take care of me, I’ve been doing that my whole life. I need someone to look out for my best interests. I want someone who will notice the little things that I do without me having to point them out. That list was actually a whole lot bigger than that but those are the important things.

I then gave her my list later in the weekend and she did some sort of prayer and blessing with an amethyst that she gave me and it’s supposed to bring this person to me, or in my life or something like that. What happened after that though was something unexpected. I finally just gave in to it all. I relaxed and I ended up having a nice weekend AND let loose a bit and became more… myself. I wasn’t this freakishly wound up girl who has all these expectations and it’s as if I really didn’t care anymore. Not that I didn’t “CARE” but more that I was just in the moment and not waiting for a moment to happen.

I get that all sounds strange but I really did just let go. It was a cathartic experience and one that I hope carries on. I just don’t want to be waiting for something to come along, something better, something more than what that exact moment has to offer. Because of all that I really did have a good weekend. If iPhones could capture a moment and not picture then I’d keep that feeling for future reference. But since it doesn’t I have a memory and a few photos that I will use to commemorate the better way of doing things right now. I can be happy with that and if a man chooses to show up, when I least expect it, and marks off most of those items then I’ll be happy and grateful to my shaman friend, or the universe.

So, my lesson for you today is to put your phones down, stop what you’re doing and appreciate the moment that you’re in right now. Appreciate the people that are in that moment with you. Just, pay attention to your life. It’s happening right now, right here, right in front of you.

I hope you all had a nice weekend as well. Enjoy your moments. To commemorate my weekend moments I leave one of my favorite things… Fireworks. I might not have had any fireworks lately but I will rejoice when the sparks fly.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day Two.

The Challenge:

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. I didn’t complain – Check. I have had several good moments today. First, I’ve got tickets to four concerts in the next few months which I’m so excited about. Second, something that I was dreading wasn’t that bad at all. Lastly, the weather was beautiful today.
2. No spending money unnecessarily – Check. Saving up for my “running to somewhere” fantasy. 🙂
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour today until I almost fell down from weak legs. That makes me happy.
4. Eat healthy fives days a week – Half Check – I need to improve on this drastically but it wasn’t horrible. It just wasn’t as healthy as I’d like. I’ll get there though.
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week – Check. I have actually declined invitations knowing that I wouldn’t be able to get in my workout so I can absolutely check this off today.

So, today was a decent day that ended on a higher note than expected. That might be because I’m not complaining about anything. For the remainder of the evening I am going to finish up some other “to do” list that I’ve created, watch some TV and shop for a Mother’s Day gift and mom’s birthday since they are on the same day this year.

Here’s my final thought for the day though… Secrets. Is it possible to have a secret that some might consider so big and not tell anyone even though you think about it a lot? I had this one secret that I hated to have kept and for some reason I told my friend in the northeast the other day. I think I’d just reached a point where it had to come out. It was about a boy from a long long time ago and we were talking about growing up together and the people we knew. The funny thing there is that THE friend wasn’t brought up at all. It’s as if we talked about everyone except. I’m not sure why that is. He and I never discuss THE friend though. It’s almost as if he’s a taboo topic which neither of us dare bring up or because he has no idea that we even spend time together. The latter might be the case more so.

But back to secrets. So the one I told my friend the other night was something that had always bothered me. It was basically an innocent action of a young girl that had a horrible effect on an older boy. I realize that sounds ominous but I’m not sure that I’m ready to have that action here forever yet. But that’s not even my biggest secret. The one that I hold affects no one but me. Actually that’s probably not true. It would affect a lot of people but it’s an extremely personal one.

So, I guess my question is this. If you have a secret that you feel guilty over or one that you think about a lot. Is it ok to keep in inside your own head? Do you have to share it? I think that I’d shock a lot of people with it but it would also explain a lot of things about me… To keep or not to keep. That is the question. Maybe it’s a thing that I should only tell my therapist and no, I wasn’t born a man and I’m not harboring dead bodies. It’s nothing like that.

Oh well, that’s a whole other conversation about a whole other thing. My day will soon be complete. Good night to you all.

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May’s ‘Make Myself Better’ Challenge… Day One. (Yesterday doesn’t count) :-)

Well, it’s a day late and I’ve already forgone one of the criteria for this months challenge but I’ve decided to do this challenge myself. I realized that I stopped filling up my “jar challenge” but not because I forgot because I didn’t have any great things to put in there that I wanted to remember. I need to change that. So I’m starting a Make Myself Better Challenge today. This is my criteria:
1. No complaining – (I realize that I already broke this after my earlier post but I’m not going to delete it). Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Now, I know that just the other day, I had said that I was going crazy about routine and I need something different. This is still true. I need some spontaneity in my life or I’ll go crazy. However, I’m fully aware that I spiral out of control if I don’t have routine and maybe it’s the routine that will actually get me to meet my goals.

I think, as of late, that the “no complaining” rule might just be the hardest but it just means that I will have to try my hardest to walk away from situations that are not conducive to my overall happiness. I realize that I can try to pull out the good in whatever I’m going through and I’m going to try that.

So, let’s see how day one went:
1. Okay, so I complained this morning because I needed to get that off my chest and now I’m done. For now. I’m not saying that come June this won’t be the angriest blog you’ve ever seen but it’s supposed to make you a happier person so I’m willing to try it. My one good thing about today is that I had a great talk about the company’s future with my boss.
2. I did not spend any unnecessary money at all. Check.
3. Exercise was good to me today. I exercised for an hour and 20 minutes and felt so great after that.
4. Eat healthy – this is usually a decent accomplishment meant with great intentions but I will say that it was an ok try for the day.
5. Follow my strict routine for the day – this has been done.

So overall the day was good. I’m making weekend plans to go see my family (for about 24 hours) and still be back in time to do a little work and maybe a bit of indulgence Saturday night. I came up with this challenge and instead of having friends join in and somehow getting derailed by their lack of interest I’m doing this by myself and I’m only sharing it with you.

I tend to find that the more people I tell about something the greater the risk of failure is. Strange but true. I’m sure there’s some form of therapy that I need to go to so I can find out how to deal with that but until then I just recognize my patterns and will stop with my bad behavior.

The only real issue that I can see hindering my progress this month is my Sunday’s. Before I start to complain about that there’s a reason that I’m writing about it first. There was once a time in THE friend and mine’s friendship that we had fun. There were no expectations and I didn’t leave each and every single time feeling like crap. I need to get back there. Why do I say that I do? Because he is a rock and I’m not referring to the strength in him. (I’m also not saying he’s strong). But what I am referring to is that he is not going to change. Out of the two of us, the only one who’s ever changed is me. He has stayed the exact same.

Some moments with us are still fun and endearing and some are trying and brutal. The later ones are the ones that I need to just walk away from and release my attachment to any form of change in him. If he chooses to not see my value in being a friend or whatever then that’s on him. He will hold the regret or guilt of that later in life. I’ve talked about karma way too much to not believe that his actions won’t come back to him in some form or another.

But, with all that being said, I will become stronger in this ‘friendship’ and my opinions will no longer be subdued by his “possible” feelings. I will no longer be the door mat that I feel he has made me into. Lastly, and this will sound strange, but I will find those emotions that made me fall in love with him in the first place again.

I’ve grown a lot since the days that I first realize where I wanted his place in my life to be and I feel like I can handle them with grace, patience and understanding. That is a place where I’ve grown the most in my life and I choose to practice what I’ve learned. I still love him vastly and unconditionally. I still pray for him and for God to do what he feels is right for both of us, in this friendship. No matter what the out come is. Hopefully, I’ll bring back some of the greatness that this whole thing started with. That is my wish.

In summation, this month is about me getting better. I’m happy about that. I’m also happy that this is something to focus on that’s not work, or a friendship or my future with whoever. I’m happy to be able to work on myself and bring myself to a better place than where I’ve been.

Wanna join me in the challenge? What would your five things be?

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Cleaning Up and Reinventing the Normal. 

One of the guys from work was nice enough to bring in a stomach bug from one of their kids and pass it on to me. I’ve been a mess for two days now and finally starting to feel better now. Being sick gives you time to do nothing, which usually I hate. Today it gave me time to work on my to-do list. Problem is I’m great at making the list but not so good on the follow through.

I started with something small, like cleaning up my phone. This is the first time ever that I’ve kept all text messages without deleting them. I still kept them today but it makes me feel like my phones a mess. Some people like to keep conversations so that they can come back to them later and say, “See, I told you I said that”. I hate to be the “I told you so” person so I have no reason for keeping them. I went to my “favorites” for some reason. I never use that feature but there’s only four people there. My BFF, my boss, brother and my GBF. I should probably actually put more of my favorite people in that list but I don’t really care about it. I’d put THE friend in there because he is one of my favorite people but I think I’m still scared that he won’t stick around so I don’t.

Other things that made it to my to-do list? I want to actually clean my patio and make it a nice sitting area so that I’ll stop smoking in my place. I know that’s gross but I walk around so frequently without pants on I can’t really step outside the front door. Every once in a while I’ll go out there and watch the stars or the moon or rain. I like to be one with nature and for some reason, lately, I’ve really wanted to go camping or on a hike or something. Some would say that they could never see me doing that stuff but I actually like it. I’d leave my flat iron at home and take a walk in the wild for a day or two. Just as long as it’s not the normal. You know how I hate boring.

Truth is, there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do that doesn’t really seem like me but I don’t really have many adventurous friends. They’re all settled with family and those days are past. I like being spontaneous. THE friend is spontaneous, like this past weekend. I had fun doing things I hadn’t done before. Problem there is, in my mind, he’ll leave again and then I’ll be left with all these ideas of stuff we COULD have done. I don’t want that again. So I’m cautions in my planning. I wish I could be relaxed about us and just enjoy each moment. Easier said than done. There’s nothing tethering us to each other so there will always be that possibility. In my mind he’s always off trying to find someone new to occupy his time with and I’m trying to find someone to replace him when he leaves. That’s kind of shitty huh?

I really need to take a good hot bath but don’t have the energy. Being sick takes a lot out of ya. I feel like I’m always sick though. To add to my future husband list, I’d like him to get me healthy or at least help me get healthier. It’s amazing, I’ve dated three personal trainers in my life and I’m still not close to where I want to be. It’s a lot harder than you think it is. I’d also like to add personal grocery shopper to that list and someone who records movies for me to watch later. Apparently being sick makes me think of all the things I want in a man. I just looked at the weather and it makes me a little happy to know that it’s going to rain. I really love the rain. I’m going to try to walk a trail tomorrow night, even in the rain. I’ve missed it. Walking and running are my meditation.

It’s weird when I think of all these things that go into my future husband list and with each item I also think about the things that I’d do for him as well. I read this article the other day about “flipping the switch” and the man being a stay at home ‘whatever’ and the woman working. It talked about social norms and how things are so much different now. Just as all ‘ab-normal’ relationships intrigue me so does this. I’ve always been an independent woman and the idea of not working freaks me out. If my other half did all the things that the past female role was for then I’d be ok with that. Even with having kids, he’d provide the ingredients, I’d cook he bun and he’d nurture it, I’d be ok with that too. I just that’s why I’d always dated these dominant assholes that believed in the barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen roles because I always knew I’d never fall for it. No, I want those things and the tables turn. I hate cooking and cleaning but I like to work. See how that works?

The things I think about as I’m living in the bathroom for two days. Oh well, one can wish. I’ve just been invited to another wedding in a few weeks. Those are always fun without a date but my BFF will be there so we can eff off and do stupid shit together. Who knows, maybe we’ll actually find some decent men to hang around for the night.

Okay, so all that was a bunch of random crap I felt like writing tonight. I have no real words that are coming up anymore. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Life Lessons In Unlikely Places…

Coming home from a pleasant evening with friends tonight and on the drive home I decided to play my “Sexy” playlist on Spotify. Regardless of how unsexy I must have looked dancing and singing in my car on the way home, at least I felt a bit. Then, once home, I started flipping through channels in hopes that something would grab my attention. I stopped on HBO and caught the last 30 minutes of the Magic Mike 2 movie.

I’m going to defend myself here. These were both so so stupid movies. However, those dance scenes where hypnotic. It’s also become a joke with m BFF and I and I’ll tell you a bit of the back story to this now.

When she and I both turned eighteen, we decided to venture into LaBare. Which, for those of you that don’t know, is a strip club for women. We were initially shocked at how insane these women got when the men came out and shook their asses. First, back then, there was no “Magic Mike” dance scenes so it was mostly just gyrating groins on these tall, tan, muscular slick stallions but we were never impressed. While almost all the women would jump up and clamor toward the stage at the first three seconds of “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, we would just be sitting in our chairs and appreciating the music. We’d mostly make friends with the waiters which were almost always better looking so that we could drink before the law abiding age. Now, because we didn’t come off as these crazy females, we’d actually be pretty popular by the end of the night so we ended up making friends with the dancers and managers or whoever. Fast forward a few years and the business that I’m in made it very easy to be invited to a strip club, almost weekly whether it be a male or female one it never mattered.

During this time of frequent stops at these clubs it became such a common experience to show up around 1 am, drink a bit and end up hanging out with everyone till the sun came up. While doing this I soaked in the infinite stripper wisdom and let me tell you something, it was very worth while. Do you know how easy it became to have an actual conversation while sitting either on a man’s lap with only a “c–k sock” on or sitting next to a woman who was topless. After a while you become desensitized to someone actually trying to hit on you for the right reasons because the lessons I’ve learned from both Wall Street sales boys and strippers makes it very easy to just assume everyone is out to get something in their own best interest.

But, I can’t say that I didn’t use what I was taught. The first lesson was eye contact. This is so important for both men and women. But here’s what you do. There’s a point when you know the other person is looking at you, whiling staring at the floor you slowly raise your vision directly into theirs and don’t look away while having a tiny curl of your lip as if it was about to become a devious smile. Hold it as long as you can. I still do that when I’m flirting and it’s never failed.

The next lesson was the touching. All the magazines say you’re supposed to touch a man on his arm, or leg as much as possible to flirt with him or to let him know you’re interested but what they taught me was to take the ring finger on either hand and just lightly run it down a man’s arm, almost as soft as a whisper. That usually works too.

Lastly, was the whisper itself. Now, this goes for any man or woman and especially when someone does this to me. Oh Wow! I’ll go crazy. But you lean in, especially when your out at a club or bar and it’s loud, whisper something, anything, but make it so that your lips graze against their ear and they can feel your breath. Drives me crazy! Did I mention that?

There was a lot of other things they taught all by accident because it was really just me observing a lot but that would turn this post into a rate R so I’ll leave those for another night but I think being around that world and yes, it’s a world all on it’s own, got me so jaded about dating and sex and money. The things that would or should normally turn me on are not the things that do. I usually go for the opposite of what those strippers tried to do because they made it all so fake but humorous never-the-less.

Truth is though, lately, I’ve not really tried any of those tricks or any real type of romantic or sexual serenade. While I crave some sort of intimate human interaction and while it’s easy for me to pull a “booty call number” from my phone it’s all so immature and fake. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger but now i crave something different, something better.

I crave jazz on a Sunday afternoon and cuddling so good that it makes me not want to go to work the next morning. I want something more than a 20 minute bang and then I get up and leave. I want a man that makes me want to stay and makes me want to cook breakfast for him the next day.

My ex (that I work with) and I would do this thing where we’d go to bars and see who could get the most phone numbers from suitors. It was a joke to us. We’d do a lot of stupid shit which would probably make other partners jealous but to us it was fun. But there was this one night, after a strip club, that a guy I’d known had come to the table. I guess my ex got a bit jealous and out of no where he told the guy that we were married. Which we weren’t even close to but it was the first time that I’d seen jealousy in his eyes and it kinda turned me on a lot. There was this guy who was totally secure in almost every way and he was so unsure of himself that he felt like he needed to take ownership of property at that very moment. That was probably one of the best nights of sex for us.

But those are the weird things that turn me on. I don’t want obvious “this is on page 3 of my playbook” moves. Tell me something honest, true, cry about something real, blue, wear the color blue I don’t know why. Bare feet with jeans is so sexy, laughing, looking into my eyes but without the pretense of “hey lets f*ck”. Whisper something to me. Give me a hug that you mean, not a half ass, side hug. Music, music, music. Order for me at a restaurant. Take me somewhere that I’ve never been and surprise me. Give me something of yourself even just for a moment.

My life has certainly made it hard to trust and to date especially when I’m not looking for a “right now” It’s tough. So maybe strippers never really taught me anything but maybe they jaded and ruined me. They did help me read people which I’m pretty good at. They help me understand that attaining perfection is a lie and that appearances don’t matter as much. Do I want the 6ft 3in, dark and handsome guy who sold his soul a long time ago and can’t muster the car note he’s got on his souped up Jaguar even though he makes well over six figures a year? If I wanted that, I’d have had that a long time ago and I can promise you that I would have left that by now. I’d give up the numbers to all those guys for the right guy now who didn’t posses any of that. I’m just not sure I’ve even met him yet.

So long ago were the nights spent with exotic dancers till the sun rose and even though it was fun back then and there’s an occasional fun night out at a club these days where I get to practice my skills I have no desire to go back into that realm. Wow, that felt like a different life ago, a different body ago and just a much different time. I’m not sure if this is growing up or growing old. Man, the stories I could tell.

So that’s my story tonight about a life lived long ago. Hope you’re all having a great weekend. I’m doing nothing for the rest of this weekend, or that’s my plan of no plans.

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25 Random Facts from my Rambling Brain…

1 – My hair has been every color of the rainbow and then some. It’s going back to some semblance of my original color, if I can remember what this is but I miss my blonde hair. It was empowering.

2 – I hate social media with a passion because it brings about insecurities in me that I don’t like. People choose to show you what they want to show you and not much is actual reality. I, however, am addicted to pinterest and flipboard yet knowingly pin and flip things that I know I’ll never do which in turn perpetuates the cycle of me not finishing things that I want to.

3 – My father owned a chain of video stores in the 80’s and 90’s and I have yet to see the majority of the classics because I was too into watching some weird avant garde movie.

4 – Most days, regardless of the fact that I like who I am, I feel disconnected in my own skin. I wake up feeling “unpretty” or worn out through life’s experiences. I wake unsure that this was the life that was planned out for me and often wonder if my Grandmother would be disappointed in my choices.

5 – I do business in two ways. I either flirt my way into getting something that I want or I become the strong woman that I know I am. Logically I know that the latter is better; however, the first is more fun. While doing the flirting I usually flirt myself exhausted and end up not giving a shit about flirting on date nights.

6 – I hate messes and disarray yet my home is a disaster. I’d like to become a minimalist but I like shoes, makeup and jewelry way too much. And I keep strange reminders of time. Napkins, matchbooks and movie ticket stubs fill my memory box so I can remember the moment not the movie later.

7 – I hate authority figures and being told what to do. Yesterday, my boss yelled at me “in email form” for not doing something he’d asked me to do. So I yelled back at him, same form, because I thought his way was stupid and he apologized to me. I felt a sense of power and pride about that. I was never really “parented” when I was young so being told what to do now just feels strange.

8 – On the weekends I don’t charge my phone overnight. I let it die then watch as the texts or calls come in all in unison as I finally charge my phone sometime the next day. I got tired of hearing bad news or receiving “booty call” texts at 3 in the morning. There’s usually nothing good that comes from a text or phone call after midnight.

9 – I went to modeling school when I was an early teenager. I did one print ad for some long gone retailer when I was around 12. This was around the time I was a cheerleader. None of that was what I wanted to do. A friend of my parents wanted me to so I did. I still felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and it didn’t last longer, certainly not as long as the drugs. Regardless of how I feel in my own skin, I never want to be a stick figure. I’d strive for a Marilyn figure verse a Barbie figure any day.

10 – I was also in band, choir, Spanish, French, on the tennis team, on the volleyball team, in dance and theater when I was in school. My parents didn’t know any of that. They never saw a play, a game or concert I was in.

11 – I can’t roller skate or ice skate. I have horrible balance and it shocks me that I can wear the shoes I do sometimes without falling on my ass.

12 – My ex boyfriend made me a mix flash drive months ago but I won’t go get it because I’m afraid that I’ll just be so exhausted that I’ll say “yes” to him because I’m so tired of waiting or because I’m afraid that he’ll drug me and I’ll be his captor for years until I escape and end up 60 Minutes one day.

13 – My favorite part of me is my eyes. I love their color, green and I like what they’ve seen through the years. I also like that, with 99% of people, they can stare right into a persons soul.

14 – I drive, endlessly, some nights when I don’t want to be home alone. I take the same course and listen to music loudly. I ignore texts and calls so that I can be alone, on a dark road with my thoughts.

15 – I hate when people “infer” or “hint” at things. Come out and say what’s on your mind, what you want or what you need. There’s no harm in asking but be honest.

16 – I don’t have a real and true “in case of emergency person”. My best friend is my beneficiary but she’s 2.5 hours away. If something bad was to happen to me right now, I have no idea who I’d call.

17 – I hate that the art of letter writing is dead and that I have contributed to that. There’s nothing more special than a hand written note, card or even scrap of paper to show someone that you care.

18 – I am allergic to amoxicillin, a variety of pesticide that is used in Saudi Arabia and human emotions. I like to deflect feelings with sarcasm, humor and by going deaf for a short amount of time.

19 – I hate smoking but I do it anyway. It’s an escape from stressful situations, it gets me out of feeling uncomfortable and it’s a habit. If I woke up one day and never had the urge again, I’d be happy. It tastes disgusting, smells worse and of course there’s the unhealthy habit part also.

20 – My favorite time of day is around midnight especially when it’s raining during that time of year when it’s warm with a cool breeze during the day but cold at night.

21 – I don’t take near enough pictures as I should. I usually think I don’t look good enough to remember years from now and because I don’t always like to remember how I felt when the picture was taken. I’ll go to my grave with my memories not my photos.

22 – I’ve never met half my family. I found out when I was an early adult that I even had more family than I thought I’d had. I’ve never met my father’s father but have wanted to send him a strongly worded letter telling him he’s a piece of shit for years.

23 – I think people are way too dependent on instant gratification. We expect everything right now and our way. There’s a lost art of courting, romance and getting to know someone because social media has made it too easy to just “jump right on in there”. No one leaves anything to the imagination and it’s made true relationships a mess of passive aggressive, trivial, jealous bullshit.

24 – I yearn for a relationship based on trust, honesty, a bit of romance, thinking outside the box and of mutual respect. I want someone to come home to, to tell my day to. Someone that asks questions and waits for responses. A guy who can say “God bless you” after a sneeze, open a door and make you believe you’re pretty even when you feel like crap. A man that betters you, shows you that things will be ok and that wants to make plans with you for the future. A man with an old soul but a childlike self. Someone with the strength that you find wilted in yourself. Someone that can kiss your forehead with care, kiss your lips with passion and kiss your cheek with purpose.

25 – I secretly like to share all kinds of random things with all of you.

Hope you’re having a great weekend. Share some things of yourself.

-marks

66ac

Exes and Sexes…

I was going through a memory box the other day that I’d had hidden and found an envelope that my ex’s mother had sent me. He’s the one who past away last year. Inside were some of his CD’s of concerts that we’d gone to. There were also some notes or letters that he’d written me that I guess he’d never expected to send. I get that. I do that myself but his were all nice and loving.

Sometimes, I think that I could never have been with him entirely because I didn’t deserve to be loved, not that greatly. That wasn’t the truth though. The truth was that we were never that compatible. We never fought or argued. There wasn’t any passion. I wouldn’t ever let him touch me in public. I believe that couples should argue, it’s part of passion and the fact that he was Spanish, I always assumed that he was suffocating himself and his emotions. I was more of the man in that relationship because I was just numb and didn’t care.

In the looks department though, he was absolutely my type. I like tall men but the truth is just under 6 foot is perfect for me. I’m a tall girl and standing eye to eye with a man (in boots) is kinda sexy. He had dark hair. These kind eyes that I would stare into and wonder what the hell he was doing in this loveless relationship with me. He had a nice body but chest hair which I do not find sexy.

He never met my family. I’d met his. He’d never met my best friend. I’d met his. He was barely ever at my home. We were always at his. He was so proper and a gentleman which is great sometimes but I also want a guy who has a hair out of place, has clothes with holes that he wears to do shit around the house in. I want a guy that doesn’t always have to be perfect.

He never knew my history. He never knew my favorite flower, color or what I’m scared of. We never had intimate conversations with secrets being spilled because I felt so comfortable. He wasn’t spontaneous. He wasn’t adventurous. He wasn’t ever loved, by me. That sounds harsh and cold but that wasn’t a secret. I told him the truth about how I felt, or didn’t feel and it didn’t matter. He saw something he wanted and thought he could have it. He was wrong.

The last conversation we’d had was pleasant. There were no hurt feelings and it ended the way it should have and from what his mom had said, he was happy. I was angry after I’d found out about his death because I felt like he’d wasted his time on being in love with me when he should have been making someone else happy that deserved him but I’m at peace with everything now. I believe in the domino effect and that everything still happens for a reason.

There’s also a reason why I still work with the first guy I was ever in love with. He knows me enough to know when to have a conversation with me about something and he gives good advice all while still looking out for my best interests as well. He’s happily married and I really like his wife so there’s nothing there and hasn’t been for a very long time. I actually remember the day I fell out of love with him because he was never my forever. But regardless, we work well together.

Some boyfriends or dates might be jealous about that but it doesn’t matter who the first love of your life is. It only matters who the last one is. This goes the same for relationships and sex, to me. It doesn’t matter about all the others. It only matters about the one your with right now. That’s why I don’t really ask too many questions about previous relationships. After each on, the slate is wiped clean and you get to start over. While everyone still has their “patterns” on what they do with dates, it’s all about the new experience with that person.

Do they worry about the intricate details? Do they take time to plan something special? Do they take into account your needs, wants or desires? When they touch you, is it a soft graze, a playful slap or a rough passionate pull? Do they anticipate the things that they secretly know you like? Do they look you in the eyes when they speak to you? Do they pull out the information they’re looking for? Are they a gentleman when they need to be but take control where they should?

For me, it’s always gone beyond holding a door open for a lady, putting the toilet seat down or pulling a chair out for me to sit. It’s about those small little things that I notice. Do they say “God bless you” after a sneeze? Do they wipe that tiny little eye lash from under your eye? Do they slowly kiss your cheek right above your lip, then pause and kiss you ever so tenderly on the lips?

Hmmm, so it seems I’ve gone off on a tangent and I’m really not sure why. I guess traveling down memory lane but imagining an entirely different memory is what’s going on. This whole thing started to let go of my ex, for good, which is why I burned his letters. Seems cold right? It’s actually cathartic for me. It’s symbolizes the finality of all of it for me. I’m finally of clear mind. This will only assure the next real relationship doesn’t come with relationship baggage from my side. I’ve never really been into bringing past relationships into new ones anyway.

I’ll leave you with two of MY favorite songs from the CD’s in his box. He hated them both but I always liked them.

Hope you’re off to a great weekend.

Couple dancing tango

Couple dancing tango