So this whole new world order at work isn’t really working out for anyone except my boss right now. He seems to be the one taking all the vacations, time off and coming in late. The remaining two of us, myself and my ex, that still work there are about to form a cou d’eta. But that all has me stressed out.
When I get this stressed I like to confide in my shaman friend (the psychic) because she always has wise words for me and we are friends plus it’s fun to play with her daughters. The last time we saw each other she’d asked how my love life was going. That’s her code for asking about “someone” not really my whole love life. I just kind of gave her a run down of the interested parties, which didn’t include the one she wanted it to. I think she was a bit sad. Not my fault HE’S not interested.
But as I was explaining about the few guys that were, I’d told her about the mechanic. She asked if he was a potential and so I let her read his texts. They basically started off nice but toward the end he was basically asking if I wanted to be FWB’s (friends with benefits). You see, a while back now (and I think I deleted it) but I’d written a post about how I came to have the name of this blog. Since it was either way too long ago or I deleted then I’ll tell the story again…
When I was young, like 12-14ish my parents owned video stores and in those stores they had regular blockbuster movies but they also had these tiny rooms in the back for the non-Disney lovers… Yes, I mean porn. All that was freely available in my home growing up. My parents never had “the talk” with my brother or I (Thank God!) about the birds and the bees but there was more than enough wrong education there anyway. Among these were some very close to X rated movies, basically called “soft-core” porn and I started to watch Red Shoe Diaries which made me interested in the director Zalman King which led me to Wild Orchid. This finally led me to Wild Orchid 2.
I will say this, I’ve watched that same movie recently and it will probably NEVER be as great as the first time but it stuck with me. The main star was this girl named Blue who was a whore. She’s sitting in the living room with a bunch of other women, also in the same profession, and one of them says, “There’s girls you marry and girls you fuck… Never the two shall meet”. Because of situations that I was put in I’d never felt like the girl you marry. I’d always felt the other. It wasn’t a pleasant place to find yourself in. Especially since it’s so far from the truth about me.
While I’ve dated a lot of men, the list of sexual partners is so much less than you could imagine. It bothered me for a long time when I’d meet a guy and all he wanted was sex or he was super nice until he’d realize that I wasn’t about to sleep with him. Most times we’d just turn into friends but it was always in the back of my mind. I even think for a while, in my 20’s I’d just resorted to feel as though I wouldn’t be the one thought of as a wife… Until I was. Then it kept happening and something in me realized that, “Hell yeah! I am good at this if I wanted to be”. Obviously the problem with that is that I never wanted to be wife material to the ones that wanted that.
But moving on back to my friend. When she was done reading the texts she’d said, “Okay, so I need you to do an exercise for me. I need you to write out on a sheet of paper the things you want in a husband or the traits you want to see in someone you’re dating”. Diligently, Friday night, I came late and decided I was in the right frame of mind to write this list. Of course you get to read it and here it is…
Kind, loving, strong yet vulnerable, fun, pampering, caring, religious, honest, looks out for me, asks me how my day was, is generous with words and emotions, spontaneous, thoughtful, passionate, likes to cuddle, is a good hugger and kisser, leaves sweet notes, takes care of me, sings, dances, notices the small things, surprises me, cries in front of me, tells me things that he’s not told anyone, someone who is straight-forward with their thoughts and feelings, shares his day freely, respectful, compassionate, likes music, imperfect, grateful… a beautiful soul.
No where in there was rich, handsome or perfect. I don’t need someone to financially take care of me, I’ve been doing that my whole life. I need someone to look out for my best interests. I want someone who will notice the little things that I do without me having to point them out. That list was actually a whole lot bigger than that but those are the important things.
I then gave her my list later in the weekend and she did some sort of prayer and blessing with an amethyst that she gave me and it’s supposed to bring this person to me, or in my life or something like that. What happened after that though was something unexpected. I finally just gave in to it all. I relaxed and I ended up having a nice weekend AND let loose a bit and became more… myself. I wasn’t this freakishly wound up girl who has all these expectations and it’s as if I really didn’t care anymore. Not that I didn’t “CARE” but more that I was just in the moment and not waiting for a moment to happen.
I get that all sounds strange but I really did just let go. It was a cathartic experience and one that I hope carries on. I just don’t want to be waiting for something to come along, something better, something more than what that exact moment has to offer. Because of all that I really did have a good weekend. If iPhones could capture a moment and not picture then I’d keep that feeling for future reference. But since it doesn’t I have a memory and a few photos that I will use to commemorate the better way of doing things right now. I can be happy with that and if a man chooses to show up, when I least expect it, and marks off most of those items then I’ll be happy and grateful to my shaman friend, or the universe.
So, my lesson for you today is to put your phones down, stop what you’re doing and appreciate the moment that you’re in right now. Appreciate the people that are in that moment with you. Just, pay attention to your life. It’s happening right now, right here, right in front of you.
I hope you all had a nice weekend as well. Enjoy your moments. To commemorate my weekend moments I leave one of my favorite things… Fireworks. I might not have had any fireworks lately but I will rejoice when the sparks fly.