Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.



Dinner and a Movie night… It’s not a date night.

First, I must state that I’m much more tipsy than I realized about an hour ago. I’m not sure what that will lead to on here. But it’s nice to know that even tipsy, I still got my run in. I came in immediately from the movie, while taking the pants off at the door and put on my workout clothes, then proceeded to workout. I got my steps in so ha!

THE friend and I went to see Deadpool and have dinner tonight, as you already know by the title it wasn’t a date night and don’t worry not every event that we share together has to be some monumentally emotional roller-coaster for me either. I will mention these two things though and then move on. Sometimes, I hate that he knows me like he does and I try NOT to acknowledge that he does. The first instance was when we were in the movie before it started and he asked if I was cold and assuming he was about to chunk his jacket at me, I said no but I was freezing. He knows I’m always cold. Second, withthe “Are you ok to get home?” Of course I said yes. What the hell would he have done anyway? But I realized that maybe I hadn’t eaten enough during the movie.

Those may seem like little trivial insignificant details; however, they are not. Because every once in a while I realize that he pays attention, sometimes. Trust me, we still have our battles of some things that are small and some that are huge but at least we’re working on them better?! I guess, now that I’ve said that there is sure to be a slip up at my expense. I usually curse things where I say something nice.

Okay, so moving on from that. While I was waiting for him prior to the movie my ex was texting me weird things. Yes, I still talk to him but not nearly as much as he talks to me. Some conversations are a week of him texting randomly and me responding when I have nothing else to do or when THE friend is on his phone. But tonight he was going off about going to bed early and missing someone sleeping next to him. As much as he is someone pretty to cuddle up to I knew where he was trying to go with this so I just changed the conversation. He’d ended up saying that he was renting a beach house for a week and wanted me to go with him. How many times can you tell someone you’re not interested and make it clear? THE friend told me that he wasn’t and I’ve understood since day one but no… This ex just keeps expecting something that I’m have no desire to give him. Again, this is my karma.

On to the movie. I am a fan of Ryan Reynolds because of his comedic delivery. His sarcasm would probably be enough to give me an orgasm. So, I wanted to go see this because of him and because there were NOT supposed to be any romantic undertones. So I as wrong. Again. I’ve stated my dislike for romantic movies in the past and my reasons are because they fill girls and women with false senses of what things are really like. I mean seriously, what do you think really happens after, “And they lived happily ever after.” The rest of that is, “Until there was no passion left to argue and the princess cheats because her husband is boring and the prince lets his mother run his life too much so they divorce and they’re both on their third marriage.”

So you understand my point. There is no such thing as a “Happily ever after” because nothing is perfect and who wants to live up to those standards anyway. Who wants to live in the normalcy that fairy tales create with the man saving the woman and then, soon after they have a bouncing baby college fund. But in all honesty the other reason I don’t like romantic movies is because they make me miss being in a relationship. I miss the cuddling and the sexual exploration when you’re comfortable enough with someone to tell them what you like and vice versa. And again, when it was there for the taking, I didn’t take it because I wasn’t there yet.

Dealpool was not a classic romantic movie but he gets the girl in the end and she gets her man. So if my life was a romantic comedy then I guess my ex would get me, I’d get THE friend and THE friend would get whoever his Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday girl is. Well now, there’s no room for a happily ever after there then for anyone.

Yes, I suppose in some twisted sense of fate I can always bring anything back to THE friend and I. Do they still lobotomize patience? Just curious. I mean it wouldn’t be the worst thing for me to try. I have literally tried everything else to get to the same place that THE friend is with me, with him. I’ve prayed so many times, “Dear God, please make my feelings for “insert name here” be the same as what his are for me (or lack thereof)”. Nothing, nothing has worked. Twisted bitchy fate, I suppose. Maybe I should ask what the Friday and Saturday girls do to get their prime spot?

I wonder if I’ll come back tomorrow and read this with a totally sober mind and just say, “WTF, again? SHUT UP!” Can I unsubscribe to myself? I have no idea. Anyway, it’s off to watch the X-Files finale and then to bed. I hope you are all having a great week and remember to do the little things and be grateful for the little things that someone does for you. 🙂


Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.






Making a deposit in the Karma bank…

I had a really good weekend. I’ve said before that it’s not when I write here that you should worry, it’s when I’m not writing that I’m either getting in good trouble or really bad trouble. 🙂 Although my home looks like a disaster. I’m running out of dishes and laundry. I really should have spent my Sunday doing that stuff but was not in the mood for mundane tasks, even if for necessity.

I’m happy on a Monday and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Just woke up that way. I’ll take it where I can get it. After a pretty stressful few weeks, it’s nice to wake with a smile. I will say that over the last few stressful weeks I have learned a few things, whether they be about me or about others but here’s what I’ve learned…

I hate all things pumpkin and could care less that it’s now the season for all things pumpcrap.

I absolutely can not stand when people, especially educated people, speak or type as if they have never seen one day of school. This bothers the shit out of me. Double negatives, horrid slang and especially when this is coming from an older person. This just sounds so extremely stupid.

Lastly, I’ve witnessed that some people are surrounding themselves with people that not only bring them down but keep them down for their own purpose. This is a horrible thing especially because it’s as if they are praying on those that are in less than stellar predicaments already but these pariahs either see that they don’t feel as bad with someone who’s has worse luck or they don’t feel alone in their misery. I want to punch those people in the face.

We’ve all been at a low point in our lives. If I didn’t have the positivity around me that I do or have in the past then I don’t know where I’d be. This is why, I have supported my BFF moving to California even though I’d miss her like crazy. I’ve supported another friend who’s having a baby by herself by choice. I might not agree with how she did it but I support her anyway. No matter what the outcome is for me, if what the people around me are doing will better their lives then I fully support them. That’s what a true friend is. Surrounding yourself with stupidity and negativity will only bring you down.

I would love to say that, as a human race, we all look out for each other but that’s not true. We all have the capacity to look out for each other but not everyone does  things that are selfless and for the good of others. I’ve said that this was the year that I was going to be more selfish but the truth is, I don’t want to be selfish. I want to give kindness and make people happy. (Don’t tell anyone that I know, that I said that). I still do believe vastly in karma and when I am no longer needed on this earth I plan to have an overflowing karma bank.

Again, going back to the last few weeks, I realize that there’s a lot of things some people do that can never be paid back by others. It’s not my intent to have these things paid back but paid forward. If I can see that someone else will benefit from the positivity that’s been put out in the world, that I might have contributed to, then my work is done.

As I said, I’m in a good mood today and have been all weekend, for no reason what-so-ever. I would love to say that this is a common occurrence but it is not. So I choose to enjoy it and eventually I’ll do my laundry and my dishes. This will come sooner than later as I’ve run out of coffee cups and almost all my underwear.

So that is my rambling for today. Hope you all had a great weekend as well and here’s to a great week – remember to fill your karma bank this week.



Karma is a great gift and other things I’m grateful for…

A week or two ago I realized that my business credit card, with my bosses name on it, had been stolen, or the number had been. I let the bank know to cancel the card, charge back any transactions and to send me over the affidavit for my boss to sign. A side-note to know about him is that my boss has the capacity to be a very generous, giving individual at times but when someone’s done him wrong, even in the slightest he has a vindictive personality like no one I’ve ever seen. I was moderately pissed at the situation but he was livid. One of the perks of being in the business I’m in is that we have a lot of friends/Customers that are in law enforcement. So after getting all the things done with the bank my boss then decided to send it all over to his friends and they, not only figured out who it was but will be issuing a warrant and possibly an arrest this week. I think he’d finally reached his capacity of sitting by and watching people break the law to get something they should have worked for. When asked if I wanted to see who this a-hole was, I declined. I said I’m not that curious and don’t really care. I know that, eventually, karma takes over and that person gets what they deserve. Nothing is owed to anyone unless it’s earned, so by taking something that doesn’t belong to you gives you some bad effing karma. The cop said that he’d give us one last chance tomorrow or Thursday to see if we still wanted to prosecute whoever it was but I’m pretty sure that he’s not going to change his mind unless there’s some major convincing.

All this comes back to my spirituality. I’ve been asked many times what religion I am and my response is this, “While I believe in God, I am not religious. I pray. I believe that religion is like a buffet and that you should take all the best pieces of each set of beliefs and hold those to be true. Some of those basic principles are these: be honest, treat everyone with kindness, payback all your karmic debts, don’t break another ones heart or hurt their feelings (intentionally), don’t take what isn’t yours, don’t do things out of malice, don’t use people and finally don’t take people for granted. Those, to me, are simple principles and if you follow those rules then your “karma bank” will be full and plenty but don’t do those things if and ONLY if that is your soul purpose. I am grateful to live by these rules and I firmly believe that this is why I do have some great luck or should I say Karma, in my life.

My life isn’t perfect, by any means but sometimes I don’t mind. I have some great friends that show great kindness to me. I have a job that I like (maybe not the people all the time), I have a roof over my head and money in the bank. I’ve had some great loves in my life, whether I realized it at the time or later, I am still grateful for them. I’ve had some great experiences in life and I don’t need to share them with the tweet-insta-snap world. Even on the simplistic nights where there’s just a great song playing in a car with a good friend and we’re being silly it’s enough to capture a memory that we’ll smile about for years.

I suppose it’s a bit hypocritical for me to hate social media when that’s exactly what this blog is. I’ve always felt that if there’s something important to say or to share then do it with the people that matter. Plus reading about all the issues that come up because of social media about how people become more depressed, or feel more lonely being more socially connected to the world than ever before. It’s making relationships, sex and connections feel like fleeting things from the past. If you’re lonely or need some sort of recognition then pick up your phone and call someone. That’s all it takes. I think I’d realized that I was done with it all when my Dad joined Facebook. So I got off. I was on twitter but got off that. I was on instagram and got off that. After a very long sabbatical from Facebook I’d gotten a notification one too many times that I had messages and decided that I’d log on one last time. There were a few dates or boys that were trying to get in touch with me, for one reason only. There were men that I didn’t know that had messaged me. Lastly, some of my family and friends had messaged me about really stupid shit. I was done and after one glance at all the people that were listed as “friends” on my account there two things I’d realized. First, none of the most successful people that I know are on any type of social media and by successful I also mean happiest. Second, I realized that I had one last purge to do for something that I’d been dreading for a while.

Since the beginning of this year I’d been getting rid of past memories or mistakes by way of burning letters or deleting emails, texts, voicemails and other things from the past that I didn’t care to remember. So, when I logged in to my account I’d seen some really personal and really girl brained messages that I’d sent to one person. It’s only ever been one person but I realized that I hated every last bit of honesty that I’d ever show through my emotions and have vowed to never do that again with him. Not only was I more vulnerable than I’d ever been by saying some of these words but I was putting him in a position to use them against me later, if he chooses to. My heart comes and goes where he’s concerned and eventually I believe that any kindness I offer will dry up because of his lack of reciprocation, not of feelings, I’ve never expected that but of kindness. This has always been something in the back of my mind, while I love giving and giving I’ve never been around someone that didn’t do this back equally. I don’t expect the same to be delivered back to me and certainly not by way of monetary value but the simplicity of a note, card or even something as simple as a cooked dinner. He did this a few times but has become complacent with my kindness and I’ve had it. I’ve reached the break. These feelings have come up before and they usually go away but this is different. There’s not as much left in my heart to forgive as fully when someone consistently uses their flaws to be magnified as their excuses. Eventually, we all have to grow up. We all have to be accountable for ourselves and pay back other people and again, I don’t mean monetarily. It’s not his fault fully. It’s mine. I do wish though that this realization had come way before now but I let it all go and focus on people that aren’t as selfish. Remember, if you take the kindest people for granted you will lose them and one day you’ll really need them in your life. So don’t and pay back kindness in any way possible. I’m as easily distracted as the next person when something new and shiny comes along but I will never do something for someone new that I haven’t done to payback a friend first. It’s simple logic and by way of a mutual friend, I’m not the only one this has happened to, although I didn’t share my experience, the mutual friend just offered up his secrets freely. Pretty sure he shouldn’t have done that. It amazes me that while I have kept our issues secret that so many others feel it their responsibility to share their thoughts. I find it tacky and useless and it makes them look shitty. I don’t pay any attention to them and tell them to shut up most of the time. He’s not a bad person but he does have blinders on, the worst I’ve ever seen.

None of this matters now though because this is a new chapter for me and he’s no longer a recurring person in it. It’s too bad because things are getting pretty interesting for me and by interesting I mean exciting. I’ve had a good day today and I’m looking at better days to come, much better. Hope you all had a great day. Good night. x

Tonight’s song…
Karma Police By: Radiohead