June Challenge Day 15… With some rambling. 

I think my mood is best described as sullen. The week has been busy with work so far and my weekend is filling up fast. If things stay as they are right now I will be attending a party on Saturday till late, watching the game and by the time Sunday night rolls around I see myself going to bed early to compensate for the weekend. It’s also my BFF’s birthday and father’s Day but I can’t be there for those things because there’s too much going on. It’s nice to get the opportunities to go to these parties of clients but after such a busy week I just want to nap already.

That isn’t the reason for the sullen mood though. I’m back to having my strange dreams again and they leave me unsettled. I’m just really trying to figure things out though. Yes, dreams are a way for your subconscious to either let you know things or to help figure things out but it’s bad when you’re so over every little thing in your life that you actually google “How to love someone you don’t love”. Yes, I’m talking about the ex again. I’m not really sure what I’m waiting for at this point so why not? At the very least, if the saying is true, then it’s always better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them right?

I don’t even know anymore. Relationships, love, feelings… These are all things that I freely passed up for so long and now it seems like the only thing that will actually make me happy now. As much as work is crazy right now it’s where I want to be and am grateful for that. So, this seems like the one thing that I can’t seem to get a grasp of. There really is only so much praying you can do for the same thing before you just get sick of hearing yourself. It’s a sad state of affairs.

I suppose now it’s more about just finding someone that I can cohabitate with that can provide some sort of emotional stability in my life. That’s what it’s all about right? Being able to be comfortable with someone who supports you, appreciates you and values everything about you? As I said before, when you choose to love someone you are choosing to love their faults and flaws. I am not void of those things so there are many to love I guess and he is certainly willing to do so.

Sometimes I think that I’m so scared to find out if I can love him because it means an end to a life that I’ve had for the last 3 and a half years. All that would go away. I think I might be ready to let all that go away. Letting go of something or someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love and care for them, it just means that you are ready to heal. That’s what I’ve not done over these last few years, is heal. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve been open, honest and felt that way about someone to only have had them take all of those emotions and play games with them, stomp on them, chew them up and spit them out. While the feelings where never his fault because he certainly never warranted such emotions from me, the handling of them were absolutely his responsibility. Just because you don’t return said feelings doesn’t mean you still can’t be kind in return. And whatever you do, you do not use them to your advantage EVER.

After a while of this, it became less his fault than it did my own. The truth is, I’ve always known the truth, about it all. Most days I chose to ignore it. Other days I just chose to really feel the pain because I felt that I deserved it for some sort of karmic payback. “Ah, this is what those boys felt like because of me… I get it now.” So I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed that no one every make him or anyone feel this way ever again, which falls on deaf ears because you can’t stop heartbreak. It’s one of those things like death and taxes that are absolutes. Sometimes revelations come from other peoples words, messages or actions. Sometimes they just come from dreams or other silly things.

Some days I wish you guys all knew me when I cared a lot less about love. Sounds bad but this whole world was a lot different. Now with that said, I’ll move on to my challenges today.

1. Exercise – yes.
2. Water – yes.
3. Love Yourself Challenge – Do you have any creative talent and if so do that tonight: I’d like to say I’m a decent writer, painter or poet so I will try to write some later.
4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What season are you grateful for? I am grateful for winter. It encompasses family, friends and a great excuse to have a fire and snuggle.
5. 30 Day Challenge – Do you have a favorite month? Okay, so I’m going to say December because it’s during winter but also because that’s the month I see most every one that I care about AND because I get the most days off work during December. Is it wrong that that’s what I base that decision off?

So there is today’s diatribe of emotions. I’d say that “This too shall pass” however, that seems to be said all too much lately without things actually passing.

I hope you’re all having a great week.

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June Challenge Day 14

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Go to bed early and write about how you feel the next day. Well, I’m kind of cheating on this one because when I do go to bed early I usually feel like crap the next day and never want to wake up at all. So, I’m going to just assume I already know how this works out.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What sight are you grateful for today? Art from Leonid Afremov, Orchids especially blue one’s (if you find one please send it to me), lightning storms, smiles but true ones not fake smiles. I’m grateful for the sight of my friends, my niece and my paycheck. 🙂

5. 30 Day Challenge – Do I have any special talents? I used to play the piano but I’ve forgotten most of it. I’m a very good investigator in all things. I’m good at fixing other peoples problems. I have a special talent of telling people the truth without it sucking too much?…

So I wrote this whole other thing the other day about love and appreciating the lives around you. But the more and more I wrote the more angry I was getting at the state of the world. I’d posted it for about a day then drafted it because it didn’t convey what I wanted it to. I might re-do and post but in a quick summation of what my point was I just want everyone to be kinder and more appreciative of those around them. One day they might not be anymore. Life, situations or destiny has a way of taking things, people, away from us when we least expect it. Don’t take one single day, or person or action for granted. Life is precious. Life is beautiful. Just stop being afraid to do things for someone or to tell them how you feel. We can’t control everything but isn’t it better, at the end of the day, to have said, “At least I tried” and you’ll never regret that part.

This world has saddened me and it almost feels unfair to be happy. Too many people are taken away from us… It doesn’t feel fair right now. But I will paint on a smile and be kind to those around me even when it feels like I can’t breath some days.

Just, be kind to one another. It is always better to have died being loved by many than being a martyr for few. Support humans and stop segregating anyone. That’s my truth tonight. You are loved more than you know.

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June Challenge Day 13

1. Exercises – yes.

2. Water – Yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Name a poem that means a lot to you. I’ve always like Poe and I’ve written a lot myself but I don’t know any of the top of my head.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What abilities are you grateful for? I am grateful for the ability to still be ok after bad things happen. It might take a while but eventually I get there.

5. 30 Day Challenge – What is your favorite song? I can’t even pick my favorite song right now. I can tell you the ones that resonate with me currently and that’s Say Something and Wildest Dreams.

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June Challenge Day 12

Aside from a few outings and some purchases this weekend I have been an utterly useless human. Still kind of in a funk and not really sure why. I did realize that it’s been over a week of no contact from the ex ever since he dropped the “L word” and my reply was thank you. I’m pretty sure that if humans were supposed to go to a class and pass it about emotional intelligence I would have never received a diploma. But since I just really want to sleep in my bed for the first time in a few days I’ll make this a short one. And NO I don’t have any seductive dates that are the reason my bed has been empty. I’ve just been falling asleep on the couch a lot.

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Hang a picture of myself that I love and why do you love it? This is a hard one. I’ve always hated taking pictures. You know there’s an old wives tale that says every picture taken of you steals your soul a bit more. I’m not saying that’s why. I’m just remembering it. I guess I’ll pick two. There’s a pic of my BFF and I leaning on the “speak, hear, see – no evil monkey’s”. That was a fun day. The other picture I’d pic is one that was taken by an ex co-worker. He took this black and white photo of me and THE friend at this really shitty dive bar. THE friend was grabbing me from behind but it looks like we’re hugging. That’s actually the photo that my friend, the photographer said I looked beautiful in because I looked happy. He and I both knew WHY I was that happy. It’s too bad THE friend and I don’t have those moments now.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What texture are you grateful for? Anything silk, satin or flannel. It’s sexy verses comfort for me, I guess.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Where have you traveled? Even though I was born in England and lived in Saudi for a moment I’ve not really traveled nearly as much as I’d like to. Nevada, Arizona, Tennessee, Hawaii, Louisiana, Oklahoma… I think that’s it.

It’s a bit funny, my shot glass collection was supposed to be all the places that I’d traveled but once people knew I collected them it became something that they’d always bring me back from their adventures. My boss has probably gotten me the most and now they’re all in boxes somewhere because I don’t really have a great place to display them.

So that’s my weekend, boring weekend, and my challenges today. I just realized that I’ve been keeping up with these challenges everyday and writing about them and then I realized that partly it’s because I’ve not seen THE friend in two weeks. We should have gotten together two weeks ago but I felt horrible and he was going to be here late, as usual and I didn’t want to get into a fight about it so I just told him we’d do it another night. Then he’d wanted to get together a couple days later but I had to work late.

I do realize that I miss his today and that makes me uncomfortable because it’s only been two weeks. I’m not sure he’s even noticed that it’s been that long, or cares and I’m certainly sure that he doesn’t share in the missed feelings. Ugh, I feel like such a girl right now. I’m wondering if he’s even kept a promise to NOT have watched our shows until we get together. He has even less patience than I do so he’d be more likely to and that would piss me off but none of any of it matters now.

When my boss and his (now) ex-wife were going through their divorce I would always tell him that as long as there’s anger or fights it means that there’s passion or love there. There really is a fine line between hate and love but I apply that to THE friend and my’s relationship. As long as I still get angry or sad or upset then it means that I still care and love him. So, I’m trying NOT to get angry, sad or upset. Seems silly but if I’m ever going to fall out of love I have to consciously do these things. I don’t actually WANT to be in an unrecipicated relationship with anyone. So, this weekend while he was off having dalliances with what ever women he met, I was trying to forget… It’s not that easy for me. Some days I wish it was and today is one of those days.

I’ll just consider my unproductive weekend rest for my week ahead and be ok with it. Hope you all had a nice weekend and here’s to a great week.

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June Challenge Day 11

My weekend is… different. Such strange conversations. Tonight there was a great conversation about what sexy means to each of us. Some answers were generic and some where a bit weird. I’m sure mine were somewhere in between. Some of these will be regurgitated from previous posts but some might be new. The ones I shared were these…
While a man with confidence is sexy so is a man who shows vulnerability and admits weakness.
The view of his forearm pinned me down.
The hug from behind with his breath on my neck.
Putting a blanket on me when I’m cold.
Repeating something I’ve said a while back that I never intended that person to remember.
Having a great nickname for me.
Looking me directly in the eyes without flinching or looking away.
Looking out for my safety in any way.
Swiping a lone eyelash from my cheek.
Being in control.
Reading to me.
Putting them so close to me that I have to touch them.

Okay, so maybe they’re not all generic things but just the things I’ve noticed lately. All this came about because I met a guy the other day. It was because of work and I didn’t want to be there but we’d started talked and he was really nice, a Marine, going to grad school and was just down here for the night dropping so stuff off. He was attractive, well spoken, didn’t come across as immature or egocentric. After the work task was done he’d asked if I wanted to go for drinks. I said sure since it was already late and my evening was screwed up anyway.

We went to this local bar that I’ve taken so many friends to just because it’s classy and not a total shit hole. We talked about a lot of different things and I enjoyed his company but the entire time I was just thinking “He doesn’t do this” or “He doesn’t do that”. The only thing that I really found attractive was the fact that even though his phone had gone off about 20 times he never once looked at it. Aside from that I just didn’t see any spark, there was no “Oh I wish this guy would touch me!” And considering I’ve been at an all time high as far as my “excited level” I thought that was telling. As we were leaving he’d asked about a hotel that he could stay at around where we were. He’d said it in such a way that he was almost asking if he could stay at my place. I just pointed him in the direction of the closest hotel and left things at that.

The next morning, assuming I’d never see this guy again, he came knocking on the back door at work because he’d forgotten to drop off some stuff. He laughed because I was in full professional clothes the day before for a meeting but that next day I was in a t-shirt, shredded jeans and converse shoes. He said he liked the day two outfit most. I laughed in my, “Oh my God, go away laugh”. That was that.

I’ve had the opportunity to “take care” of certain needs that I have a lot lately but keep turning the invitations down. I’m done with the FWBs and the instant gratifications because that’s not what I want. I find it immature and pointless. If it’s not going to lead to something better then what’s the point. Course, with that being said, it’s been way too long. I can’t believe I haven’t spontaneously combusted at this point. I think anyway, after the age of 29, that still has random, one-night stand sex is pretty immature and just giving it away for no reason. That would probably make my sexy list too, if a guy was to say that they’ve been celibate for a while. It’s too easy to get laid… The hard part is to say no. Who wants some slutty dude anyway?

Those are my thoughts and conversations for the day and now we’re on to my challenges…

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – Yes, like a fish.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about the place you would go right now, if you could go anywhere in the world: I went to Hawaii as a kid and remember the feeling of it being very relaxed there. I think I’d go there right now.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What holiday are you grateful for? I guess Christmas and not because of the presents. It’s the one time of year that I get to see people I have seen in a while, my niece, my BFF. I also liked the last few that I got to spend time with THE friend on Christmas (except for last year). But it’s a day that is supposed to mean spending it with people that you care about and while him spending it with me was insignificant to him, to me it meant a lot. I was happy to be that person for him for that day. Who the hell knows what this year will have in store?

5. 30 Day Challenge – Name five of your weakness:
Hmmm, only five?
I am emotionally “challenged”
I go in my head way too much.
I don’t pay attention when I should.
I don’t have patience at all.
And, apparently, I fall in love with the wrong men, or man. The is a weakness right?

So there you have it… My day in words. Hope you’re having a nice weekend.

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June Challenge Day 10

The weekend has officially started off with a bang. Today has been a weird enough day. We had a guy quit on us the other day, at work. Today he came back to turn in his stuff and he’d come over to me before leaving and said that he’ll always consider that I am his sister, that I was beautiful and then kissed me on the head. Full disclaimer, I don’t actually like him much at all. He’s crazy loud, blames everyone else for his mistakes and is a huge hypocrite. So, my conclusion is that he’s just crazy.

That was probably the least crazy thing that happened today. All I do know is that I’d been asking all week “Where’s Friday!!!!!”. After it actually got here today I was just thinking about how fast 5 o’clock would get here. I didn’t even get to take my nap which should actually make me tired as hell at 3:07 am but I’m wide awake with not much to say. So, instead I’ll just sum up my challenges today.

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – Yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down one unhealthy thing that you do: Well, that would be smoking. I hate that I do it. It stinks, cost way too much and the obvious “it’s not healthy” part. I do want to quit but I don’t have any real motivation to do it. It’s a stress reliever for me, my last vice. But it also gets me away from uncomfortable situations.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What taste are you grateful for today? Water, fruit, my homemade faux mashed potatoes and mint chocolate chip ice cream.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Name five of your strengths:
Problem Solver
Intelligence
Kindness
Strength
Perseverance

So, that’s today’s (technically yesterday since it’s past midnight) and I don’t really have much more to say. I hope you have a great weekend.

WomanStrong

June Challenge Day 8

Today has been an exceptionally horrible day. In all ways. My only solace was my tiny little workout that I got in but I am determined to do this every day. It’s a good thing that my challenge this month wasn’t to find a happy thing for today because I could not. Actually that’s not true. A last minute invite to a weekend festival last weekend which I declined actually prompted two tickets to the Voodoo fest in October so I can look forward to that. It’s nice to have friend in the music business, or entertainment or whatever.

I still really haven’t gotten a chance to tell you about my meeting with my Shaman psychic friend. Just that it was more of the same stuff that she told me before all of which came true except for one thing. The BIG thing. She wants to meet up again soon for another “reading” and also to discuss a non-profit idea. That’s also something to look forward too, well the non-profit idea is. But I will just finish up my days post and relax until I, hopefully, pass out.

1. Exercise – Yes, however not high intensity. Maybe in a day or two.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about something that motivates or inspires you: Well, I guess if I didn’t mention THE friend then I’d be lying. He certainly motivates me in many ways that he doesn’t even try to, good ways. He also inspires me to write, get out of my comfort zone and be healthier. I’m sure that’s not reciprocated either but it doesn’t matter. Maybe, one day, he’ll actually articulate what all this was about for him and I’ll finally know that it wasn’t just a pit stop to somewhere, or someone else. That wouldn’t really be fair, for me.

Sadly, that’s the only thing that inspires or motivates me right now. With work as crazy as it is I don’t really have time to do a lot of other things. My ex inspires me to turn my phone on airplane mode a lot but that’s probably not a good thing so I’ll leave things at that right now.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What book are you most grateful for? So, my all time favorite book is The Greatest Salesman in the World and it’s not what you think. It’s more about spirituality and humanity. It’s probably the most worn book on my shelf. I am truly grateful for that book and should probably reread it soon.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Write about something that makes you laugh? My niece’s laugh makes me laugh and the blooper real from Friends makes me laugh. All the inside jokes that my BFF have make me laugh which includes every single time the song Pony comes on. THE friend makes me laugh when he does this “Hey, hey, hey” thing but don’t tell him that. He actually makes me laugh more than I probably care to admit when he’s not being cranky or disinterested. Olan Rogers makes me laugh A LOT. If you’ve never watched his youtube you should. Also, John Oliver makes me laugh and it’s a Sunday thing that THE friend and I do so it’s a warm and fuzzy laugh. Providing he didn’t find some other place to see it this week while I was going through some rough shit.

So, that’s my day’s challenge today. I think I say this a lot but I do realize that I write WAY TOO MUCH about someone that doesn’t reciprocate any feelings for me what-so-ever. Sometimes I even reread some of these things and think that I’m a bit too bat-shit-crazy but for me, he’s a big part of my life. I don’t see him as much as I see others but he’s got a big place in my life. There’s been so many “firsts” with him, you don’t even know and even though I would be so content with him being so many lasts in my life too I also realize that these will just become memories one day, that he’ll be gone or I’ll be gone and none of this will amount to anything other than years of future therapy that my future husband will have to pay for. The truth though is that the more I write about it here, the less I act upon and possible do something crazy, stupid or embarrassing.

I’m not sure I’ll ever find a muse that’s worth as many words as he’s been but I am open to finding that person who fills something that he doesn’t want to fill. I’ll just have to get to the psychic on board with that because “moving on” is NOT what she wants to hear and quite honestly it’s NOT what I WANT to do but it’s what I HAVE to do. There is only so much self-induced emotional abuse I can take from myself. I’m sure my quota has been met for a while now.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Is it Friday yet? Couldn’t come fast enough right now.

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