Two Forward One Back… Are We Dancing Yet?

For the most part, I had a nice day. Work is stressful but busy so it makes the time go by. I was getting bombarded all day with invitations to do weird shit tonight but I had declined all offers knowing that I had plans. My day was going to be work, workout, TV or movies with THE friend and an early night. My day went work, workout, dinner with friends and an early night, maybe.

Around 7ish, when I hadn’t heard from THE friend, I’d texted him and he’d “forgotten”. Here’s the thing, my days are packed. I have work shit all over the place, meetings, appointments and friends to see and none of them nor me “forget” plans. I have the worst memory but I try to put a lot of things in my phone so that it reminds me. But since this doesn’t happen with anyone else I have to recognize my feelings about it. Forgetting plans translates to forgetting that person. Forgetting me? Well, I’m so sorry that I’m not some magically glittery unicorn that excites you enough for you to remember one day of plans.

That was my initial reaction. Then it changed a bit. My boss is a lot like THE friend and he forgets shit all the time. BUT he never forgets the fun or cool shit. That’s always the first thing he remembers. So then I start to think “Wow, I’m neither cool nor fun enough to remember. Awesome”. Then I want to cry a bit. I realize that this one instance and this one word “forgot” makes me feel so unimportant and invisible. Then I realize that this is just bringing out all my insecurities and making me realize why I can’t get emotionally invested in this friendship again.

Now, I’m not five years old so if plans had changed that’s a whole other story. I’m fine with that. Shit happens (as they say). But I was FORGOTTEN! And for some reason I feel small and insignificant to one fucking person and it changes my mood. I realize that this is stupid because I have a shitload of other people that don’t feel that way about me, that don’t forget plans with me and that make me realize my worth. So why does one person make me change those ideas? It’s bullshit and I’m pissed. I’m pissed at myself for caring, for expecting anything and because I let this bother me. I’m pissed because I give up power where he’s concern. I’m angry at myself for giving a shit.

On the drive home, I had this weird conversation in my head with his side being something like, “It’s not a big deal. I forget shit all the time. Get over it.” My side of it was trying to explain that what if we’d made plans, you were going to cook dinner and were waiting for me and I just never showed up and never texted you at all. How would that make you feel? It made logical sense to me in my mind, while having this fictional conversation. At the end of it I screamed one long loud primal scream in hopes that it would get out of my system knowing that my last resort was to capture it here to get it out of my head because God forbid a female has an emotion.

That being said, do I bring this up. Nope, because I can’t care anymore. I can’t let this shit bother me. It really is like we take two steps forward and one back except it’s not a dance and I’m not having any fun. But apparently I’m the only one who gives a shit so it’s really just my problem anyway right?

Obviously, if I didn’t get angry then I wouldn’t care but now I feel the need to distance myself and put up a wall again. My wall, in the past, has been so thick that nothing could penetrate it and only then did I not get hurt. Those were better days for pain, or lack thereof except I also didn’t let the good stuff in either. Since my life is about balance, health and getting to a better place I can’t do that again. I can’t go back there again but I also can’t keep doing this.

It seemed like a small thing but it’s not because it brings out all my insecurities and all the things that were wrong with our friendship in the past. The last time we hung out it was good. I even thanked him for trying so hard (the two steps forward) and now this. If I was to write words on a picture of me right now they’d say things like “insecure, forgettable, disrespected, not good enough, small, insignificant” but I know that those are only temporary and that I can’t allow myself to believe those things. Even if he thinks of me that way no one else does so why should I care anymore.

As I said, I was having a nice day. But now, it’s out of my system a bit so I’m going to go to bed early and forget this shit as easily as he did. I have a good busy week ahead so this is just a bump in the road, I just wish it didn’t damage my heart a bit.

Hope you’re all having a good day.




Securing Insecurities…

That is something that all humans share, insecurities. I suppose as a common denominator we should all feel some solace in that. In one of my secret affairs with tween dramas I’ve always remember a quote from One Tree Hill. It’s a bunch of girls sitting around a living room talking about what is expected of us (women).

“Don’t be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don’t be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb.

Be yourself. But make sure you fit in.”

Isn’t that how we all live these days? We’re all either too big, small, short, tall. We’re too dark or too light or too empowered or not empowered enough. It’s exhausting for both men and women. Then comes social media to show us just how insecure we are. There are these insanely beautiful women with insanely perfect bodies, hair and makeup and we’re all suppose to either jump on the bandwagon or be left in the dirt?

And lets not forget men either. The men are asked to have perfect hair, beards, have washboard abs and have ridiculously expensive cars and be able to take a woman out for a night on the town that some fictional character “Mr. Grey” would be envious of all while beating their women into submission and calling it passion?

Since when did everything become so publicized, so unnecessary, so unattainable? I perpetuate the problem as many of us do. I dress myself up in hopes of getting some sort of attention that I feel is lacking in my life. I flirt with men to boost their egos knowing that it’ll get me something that I want. I carry expensive purses out of the sheer feeling of having something that someone else might convent.

But it’s impossible. No one can be all things that they need to be and therefore it gives us all this sense of “I’m not worthy”. “I’m not worthy to be with this person.” “I’m not worthy to have this kind of love.” “I’m not worthy of this job, this family or this whatever.”

I had a guy once tell me that he never thought I was someone who was self-conscious because I appeared to be so strong and proud of who I was. It was another one of those moments in time that I remember what he was wearing. I remember what he looked like when he said it and I remember how I felt when he did. I remember telling him that all of us, everyone feels like they don’t fit in or that there’s always someone better out there but the trick was to make others believe that you do fit in and you are the best. He said I did a good job at it. I’m not sure that I have done a great job of any of that lately.

These thoughts stems from a few things. Mainly, they are based on THE friends and my friendship. It’s the strangest thing. Some days, he makes me feel warm and fuzzy and fun and loved. Some days he brings out insecurities in me that I didn’t even know were there. But in a strange turn of events, his insecurities are brought out by certain situations as well. I don’t think I bring them out in him but certain instances do. He says these horrible things about himself, things that I’ve never thought of him.

I told him that I wanted to shake him and make him see himself through my eyes but I know I can’t. Knowing these things makes me understand things a bit more but I don’t need him to feel bad so that things are clear to me. It’s a strange situation that we’re in and it still feels like there’s some sort of barrier between us. There’s some unspoken truth that I can’t see or that he doesn’t want to share. We’ve gone through a lot but there still feels like there’s so much more to get through and sometimes my words to him fall on deaf ears. Either that or his perception of himself is so low that all the truthful things that I throw at him to penetrate his walls are just bouncing off and landing back two feet in front of me.

Those are the times when I feel that all the kind words I begrudgingly share with him are just hurting him because he’s not in the right place to hear them. Which makes me feel insecure because I’ve never been that honest with anyone. So, his insecurities make me push even harder for him to hear the good things and that in turn makes him feel like crap because he doesn’t believe them. So we are in an endless cycle which can not continue.

Also, I fear that I’m just a placeholder for his next girlfriend and he fears that his actions or words will push me away… Do you see the problem here? Aside from some mutual form of therapy, I don’t know what else to do. I want to be the supportive friend but I also HAVE to know that this friendship is making a difference, in a good way. I don’t want him to worry about another thing in his life.

That’s also a reason why I choose to write about our issues here before bringing them up to him. Some of them are MY insecurities and NOT so much about him. The problem for me is that I’ve never had someone bring this crap out in me before. I’ve always had a “This is who I am, if you don’t like it go away” attitude because I like myself. I have no clue if he’s ever had a friendship like this so I couldn’t tell you what this does to him.

I do know that he has been trying so hard to make sure that everything is ok but there’s still so much that I want to say to him but in his current state it would be easier to hear bad shit which is not what this is about. So, in following up with yesterday’s post with the million dollar questions, “If I could give one thing to someone else what would it be and why?” I’d give THE friend the ability to see himself as I do. If he did he’d see someone that, even with imperfections, is a good person. Someone that has a so much to give. Someone that is so scared to love because it’s been taken away so many times or lost. He’d see someone that is worth all this and more if he just let his guard down, stopped fighting whatever it is that he’s fighting. Show some true, real, emotions aside from anger and let someone truly in his world.

I’m not sure I’ve conveyed that to him or made it even appear to be ok to do that with me. If I haven’t then I’ve failed and there again perpetuating the cycle of insecurities.

And now, to finalize, I will quote Stewart Smally. To all of you that read this, know and believe that you are good enough, smart enough and dog-gone-it people like you! Randomly tell someone close to you something nice today just because, then do what I do and punch them in the arm and call them a bitch afterward.