My mind in music tonight… Cause that’s all I got.

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The end to the weekend I should have expected…

I don’t know why I still assume that we’ll still this relationship… THE friend and I. I wish I knew the trick to stop being disappointed by his lack of concern about this ship. If someone out there knows the secret please I beg you to tell me how not to give a fuck anymore. It’s not even fair that I’m not there yet and he’s probably been there for, oh, three years or just under.

I’m pissed and hurt and this should not be unexpected at all. Fuck this… I refuse to be the only one that gives a damn anymore. I’m so mad at myself for putting myself in this damn place every single time. I put myself out there and get hurt every single time. Every single time, Sundays basically end with me crying and realizing that this is a hopeless cause. We are a hopeless cause.

There’s never been a “we” or an “us” anyway. Just another thing that I’ve been delusional about. I’m so damn tired. I was having a great day seeing friends and playing with their little baby and I knew that I should have just not expect a thing about tonight. If two completely truthful texts hadn’t been answered with even a fucking peep why would tonight be any different. At one point I did say shrew this and went out and had dinner with friends but then I just couldn’t take it.

I couldn’t sit there and take the mediocrity of the conversation while I knew that he was intentionally breaking my heart over and over again because he could. It’s sad that no matter how joyous the day was the night makes me feel like absolute utter shit for believing that this is something it’s not. For believing that he is someone that he’s not. For believing that we are/were something that we’re not and have never been. I pray that one day someone tells me what the fuck I did to have to go through this.

I don’t know how many times that life proves to me that I don’t mean a damn thing to him for me to believe it but I get it…. Right now. In this moment I get it totally and completely. Thanks again for showing me just how stupid I’ve been this entire time. Thanks for proving yet again just how fucking unimportant this is. I hope she or it was worth it.

I. Don’t. Deserve. This.

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Lost moments and pointless arguments…

I’m just getting back from dinner with friends. I’d actually canceled plans with them earlier because I was feeling tired and sick but decided to go ahead and go anyway. It was fun. We laughed and joked with the waiter who gave me free dessert. Not a bad night. I figure it was balancing my night from the day before because it wasn’t as fun.

You all know me, I never really reach out to people because I always feel that if they want to spend time with me then I’ll make the time. I’d decided, since we’d watched all the other debates together, that I’d ask THE friend if he wanted to watch. He’d said yes and we agreed on dinner, drinks and debates. I was looking forward to it.

I’d ordered the food, bought two bottles of recommended wine and came home to shower the shitty work day off me. I’d changed into my pajamas because I just wanted a chill night to relax. While I was waiting for him I’d gone out on my patio and the door locked behind me… I really should have taken that as a precursor to the rest of the evening. I then became someone who had to ask for someone else’s help. I had to wait till THE friend showed up just to get back in my home.

After the moment of “Wait let me get some embarrassing photo’s first of her then I’ll let her in” he immediately went to the kitchen and grabbed food, placed his stuff in a pile on my desk and preceded to sit there for the rest of the night on my computer, his TWO phones and not even engaging in the moment.

At first, I could tell that I was getting mad but I was trying to be calm and just relax. So, I had one glass of wine. Dinner then came and he was still on my computer and his TWO phones and still not engaging, so I had another glass of wine. Now, the debate is over, dinner is over, I’m on my third glass of wine (and I don’t drink) and I try one more time to have a conversation trying to tell a story that he only had to listen to for two maybe three minutes and he never even started to listen.

At this point in the evening, I’m a bit tipsy which should have been fun but I’m so upset that I just shut down. There’s nothing more to do on my end ever again. He knows I’m pissed and I hope that whatever captured his attention was worth it because then I just grabbed my stuff and went to bed, early, in my own fucking home.

I wake this morning probably feeling physically better than I should have but emotionally I just want to fucking scream. HE DOESN’T GET IT. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK! But even though I’m still upset I’m trying to get ready so quietly so I don’t wake him up.

A few hours later, I’m at work and receive an apology text. I replied with pure emotion and didn’t even wait till I thought out what I wanted to say. I had an emotional purge which was long overdue. I basically told him all the things that I’ve said here. I told him that he keeps apologizing for doing the same thing but he keeps doing the same damn thing which makes the apology useless. I told him that the little amount of time we spend together and all I ever asked for were small things, never too much nor anything that I don’t think he can actually handle. Maybe I’m wrong there. I also told him that he makes me feel like the loneliest person on earth while he’s sitting right next to me. Then I apologized for not being bright or shiny or new anymore but he needed to start showing me that he cares even the tiniest amount.

Basically, yet again, I was the most honest with him than I’ve been with anyone and explaining that all I want to do is get some semblance of a connection of what we used to have. I ripped myself open and showed my vulnerability again and what did I get in return… NOT A FUCKING WORD.

Literally not one more thing was said after that. I didn’t get an apology, an explanation, a “fuck off”. I got nothing. What’s the worst thing that you can say to someone who’s just been completely honest with you? NOTHING.

I’m disgusted with myself for trying, caring or even assuming that things could actually get better between us. The saddest part of all of this is that I would be his greatest ally, his loudest cheerleader, his best friend if he could just do the smallest of things. I wouldn’t question our friendship, requests nor favors if it actually seemed like it wasn’t all just for killing time for him.

The worst part was I actually brought up money. I basically said I’d spend almost $100.00 on an evening that I was ignored the entire time. I hate that. 2-3 years ago I would have NEVER looked at things like that but his complacency has me doing that. I needed him to understand and see things from my perspective. But then I got home, knowing he was still here because he’s lost my key, and realizing that he had ever opportunity to response to another vulnerable conversation but he chose to be on my computer and his two phones the entire day.

Out of all the things I’ve tried to ignore or work through internally or fight for with us and I am not even worth listening to or responding to. This is not a fault or flaw of my own. This is entirely on him and why he feels the need to either push away or smash me in to the ground so far that I end up only crying over my stupid decisions. NO ONE DESERVES THAT TYPE OF HATRED OR DISRESPECT FROM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING WHO’S BEEN KIND, LOVING AND CARING TO THEM. NO ONE!

All I do know at the end of this day is that I love myself way too much to do this ever again. There is literally no amount of love that you can give someone enough to make them love you back even in the smallest of ways. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

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This is a 2% happy post and 98% something else…

First I’ll get to the good stuff. The new guy and I have been chatting and flirting and it’s been so great. He says stuff that just makes me smile immediately. I loved that he was in a meeting today and just couldn’t stop texting me and he was leading it. We haven’t gotten to make plans yet and that’s on me because, honestly, I’m scared. And here’s where I’ll be as honest as hell with you all… I’m scared to death of being hurt, of hurting him or of it turning out like THE friend. That’s where this turns from the great to making me cry, again.

I honestly thought that, first, THE friend would forget about our “appointmented Sunday’s” and I wouldn’t see him yesterday which I would have been pissed about but am used to that. Then I assumed that my happy mood would be enough to carry me through if THE friend did anything upsetting. He didn’t forget and just showed up which wasn’t a “first thought pop by” so not on my list because I basically thought that I’d be doing something different last night as an alternative plan. I was happy to see him until the exact same stuff happened.

He walked in, went straight to the kitchen and then got on his phone. I swear it literally wouldn’t make a different if I was here or not. In fact, here are our statistics. Out of the time he’s at my home we spent maybe 25% of that together. The rest of the time I’m either asleep or at work. Out of that 25% he spends 23% of that on his phone talking to EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD but the one sitting right next to him and out of that last 2% that he might actually be speaking to me he’s saying insulting things 1.5% of the time. And not one single time that I’ve brought this up has he EVER looked at things from my perspective Which I have tried to do so many times.

Then he has the nerve to bring up other things he does with other people that actually entail him having fun, talking without his phone cemented in his hand and him spending money on things that don’t really seem as important as other things in his life.

So, way back when between mutual friends of ours and a few callous emails from an anonymous source I was warned. I was warned that he’d use me, throw me away like yesterday’s trash when someone else came alone and would never repay his words or keep promises. I was told that, “chances are he’ll never really care about you”. I was also told that he didn’t keep good company most of the time. Was always focused on the next piece of ass he could get and that he would never take any responsibility for any hurt he causes what-so-ever.

First, every single time someone we mutually knew said these things I’d tell them to go eff themselves because I didn’t believe he was like that. I believed that he was in a bad place and wasn’t going to just write him off because of how others viewed him. That wouldn’t have been fair, then or now. I ignored the emails from whoever was bitter enough to try to spreed their hate. I was also told, at one point, that the person I was speaking with actually gained some respect for him because he and I were friends and because I wasn’t like some of the “friends” that he usually spent his time with.

The only thing those words ever did was make me feel worse about myself or make me want to help him to prove his “friends” wrong about who they thought he was. Even now, that I feel some of those things I would still never spew hate or talk badly about him because regardless of what they thought or think they don’t know “us”. They don’t know the times that he actually clean up after both of us. The times when I was important enough to just randomly send a nice text to. The times that he made a mix CD never being asked. The times that he brought and made dinner. The times when he actually thought outside the box. The times when staying over, sleeping on my couch, eating all my food and ignoring me was never even thought about.

This time around he couldn’t even have cared to put on a shirt that wasn’t stained or torn. He, so intricately placed all of his items down as if he’s done this at hundreds of women’s home except… They don’t get ignored. They get the nice side of him. I literally feel as though he saves every last breath of horrible crap to take out on me so that he can save the good stuff up for every other person in his life.

I’m pissed because NO ONE should EVER make you feel like this. This is wicked and horrible and I’m so tired of caring about it especially when I know that I’ve NEVER done anything to him that would have ever hurt him even a tiny bit like this. I’ve NEVER treated him so bad that it’s made him cry. He has never acted like he’s cared as little as he does right now. If he was standing in front of me I’d probably push him or scream or something that’s out of character for me because I’m so angry. I’m angry that I still care way more than he ever has. I’m angry because I’m not worth a fucking thing to him. I feel like I’m that annoying layover flight before you get to where you actually want to go. WHO THE FUCK MAKES PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THAT?

Here’s the thing. I’ve said this so many times before but this has NEVER been about feelings that he so obviously was never going to reciprocate it’s always and is only about how you treat people that you “claim” to care about and that are supposedly like “family” to you. We don’t even fight anymore because there’s nothing left to fight for.

So here I am with a double edged sword. It’s obvious that I still love and care for him and unlike him when I’m angry the first thing I don’t do it spew out “fuck you. why even do this anymore if you can’t just get over shit”. (I’m paraphrasing a previous argument). Instead, I’m realizing that because of this new guy and how he’s handling things, even when I say I JUST want to be friends right now, is completely different than anything that THE friend has ever done.

THE friend was too embarrassed to introduce me to any of his friends or family. The new guy is nice when he knows there’s no reason to be except because he’s actually just nice. I’m not trying to intentionally compare the two because every single relationship is different but, as someone who’s a friend, I know what I deserve out of any relationship.

I know that a week ago I was ready to help THE friend out in a way I knew I’d never be paid back for. That was just a week ago. I know that six months ago I was so happy that we’d found our way back to each other again after a hiatus that HE took. I know that two years ago I was ready to live with him, put him on insurance and do other things that I’ve never considered before.

Lets turn the tables… What do I know about him and his feelings towards me? I know that he ONLY reaches out to me when he might need help. I know that he shows up when he hasn’t found something else to occupy his time. I know that he must treat every other person in his life better than this and that he doesn’t have any problems hanging out with others, their family and their friends. I know that his priorities are no where close to where mine are with our relationship.

I also know that I’ve been praying a lot and what I have prayed for is to be made for certain that he cares because his action don’t show that to me at all and I was sent an opportunity to meet someone that acts truly different when we’re talking or around each other. So my interpretation is that instead of THE friend showing me how he feels, I was sent someone who shows me what I deserve.

I’m not a victim. I could at any point say I’m done and be done. I could go on with the rest of my life knowing that I did everything that I could do and that should have been enough and that you can’t please everyone especially when your “new and shiny appeal” wears off. I would miss him and what we USED to be but I would be ok. But I also know that because I’m still pissed about it and because I’m still crying over it that I still care.

He wasn’t the first man that I was ever in love with but for the longest time I wished that he would be the last one that I found. He was the first man that I said those words too ever. He was the first man that I’ve let share my space. He was the first man that I ever gave a key to which he’s lost which is a bit symbolic I guess. I know that I’ve passed up a lot of opportunities in my life over these last years because of him. I’ve given up relationships, jobs, moving out of this town and many nights or memories with a lot of other people because I’ve put him first above and beyond anything else and the irony of it all is that he’s done NONE of that for me. He’s never given up a thing.

Being fair he’s never asked me too but I’m pretty sure he’s know it. The last vestige of this relationship was the “secret” time we spend on his appointment Sunday’s which he shows up ever few weeks to now and he can’t even muster enough strength to be nice to me in the 2% of time that he actually has to charge his phone and possibly converse with me. That makes me feel pretty low right now and that’s so fucking sad. I remember a time that he’d say something crappy and realize later that it was wrong and he’d actually apologize for it and I believed it. But now, it’s passed in the wind as if nothing wrong was done on his part. I’ve never even considered saying things half as bad to him because I actually DON’T want to hurt him. Why does it feel like he has to take everything out on me?

Since my prayers, I suppose, have been answered I have no idea what to pray for next. I do know that regardless of how I feel right now which is so fucking horrible that I still sing his praises to every one else. BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ASSHOLE! I’m sure that it matters even less right now as I won’t see him for weeks again.

I honestly felt like THE friend could have been the “new guy” in my life for a long time or ever and I’m sad that I don’t feel that at all right now. I wish things were different with us more than anything else in my life right now. I wish that his action mirrored his, once long ago words, about how important I was. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just sent him this site and make him understand what he does whether knowingly or not. I wished he’d understand my perspective as much as I’ve tried to understand his situation. I wish he gave a shit… That’s all.

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Love is… and other fairy tale lies.

We are living in an era that doesn’t allow for big movie moments any longer. No grand gestures of showing up in the rain, grabbing a hold of someone’s face and kissing them as though they are the last person on this earth. While I have had my experiences of movie moments I fear that they are long gone now. People no longer have the attention span to love someone so unconditionally that they are willing to work on their faults or flaws and to show the other person that they matter. It’s a sad state of affairs.

This is just the thing that has caught the attention of my mind at this very moment. My mind has actually been reeling since last night. My friend from the northeast was on one of his long drives which is when he likes to catch up. His first question is always, “So how’s life?”. I tend to actually tell him the truth so my response was, “I’m having an allergic reaction to life right now.”

After a bit of discussion about what’s been going on we then moved on to family, friends and strangely zodiac signs after a small dabble with politics and the economic temperature. That might be why he and I get along so well. We’re both Aquariuses. We share a lot of the same thoughts and sentiments about the same things. It’s nice to debate at times but it’s also nice to be on the same page as someone who not only shares your thoughts but agrees with stances.

I suppose it was a conversation that I needed to have with someone. We’re extremely honest with each other but there is one thing that we don’t agree on. At this time in our lives we share one singular commonality with opposing beliefs. So, we had a long conversation about this one commonality and I realized that I was still fighting for someone else.

It’s not and has never been my responsibility to explain someone else’s faults and I don’t know why I still feel the need to. The worst part of it is that (and you all knew this was coming) THE friend has no idea how much I am on his side. At this point, if things haven’t changed with us, they are never going to and I understand that. However, I just wished he knew that he might never find another human who has been someone so understand that I feel it my “job” at times to never betray him. Loyalty, you’ll find, is a true rare trait that is so underrated.

I don’t assume that there will be any life altering event that will happen to him when I am no longer in his life that will make him understand just who I’ve been to him and I’ve gotten to the part in the story that I’m starting to no longer care. Yes, I care enough to write about it but no longer to discuss it.

The basic fact is I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of defending someone that doesn’t even have the smallest decency to fulfill the smallest of promises. I wish things had stayed the way they were in the beginning. We were carefree. We had fun. I didn’t know all these little stories that people divulge without me asking.

I wish I never fell for the boy who both hates himself too much and takes his poor choices out on others. I don’t really know at what point this whole thing turned but I used to blame it on falling in love. That’s never been the reason though. It was the reason I stayed and it was the reason why he might have thought he could abuse this relationship but that’s not what turned things from fun to whatever this had become. I’m not sure where this blame lies…

That is only part of the hail storm of shit that’s being dropped in my life right now but for some reason that’s what I focus on. Most of the other things I’ve chosen to adjust my feelings about. For instance, one bad thing happens and after the initial shock of it all I start to think of what was good about that. It’s a bit like when they say, “If you ask God for patience does He give you patience or does He give you situations where your patience is tested?”.

That’s true. I do believe that God gives us lessons and it’s up to us to decipher to code. I’m getting better at that and I’m learning to understand the moral of each story. However, this story, without much of a chance for any sort of happy ending, is the hardest one to decode. Yes, there’s lessons within this relationship that’s taught me things but nothings come to fruition. Yes, it’s taught me patience, understanding and kindness but what has it taught him? What’s the point of this relationship for him except to practice the ways NOT to do things with others.

I don’t give up on things very easily but I am sure that this hasn’t been easy at all. At what point is it over? At what point have I learned enough lessons to stop being hurt, lied to and used by the same person? It’s not as though I’m not aware of EVERYTHING at this point. There’s nothing that shocks me anymore and sadly it’s usually the bad stuff.

I’m sure at one point I asked God to bring me someone to love, to care for and to be kind too. It’s too bad that THE friend didn’t ask for the same things and if he did I’m sure she’s the happy one right now, not me.

As I said, things are not going extremely well right now and he’s not all to blame, however, he is not someone who should be making things worse. People are supposed to be in your life to make it better. I’m beginning to understand that the reason he could never articulate what I meant to him was that it was never that important to him, or I wasn’t. It’s hard to articulate, “Well, I’m happy that you let me do these things and that we don’t actually have to talk when we’re together and that you’re a secret.” None of those things could be said about me, from any other persons mouth, in my life.

It’s a sad state of affairs that even after all those thoughts about him I still have fight in me to prove he’s a good and kind person to everyone else or maybe I fight so hard because I’m trying to convince myself.

… And on that note, I think I’ve found the perfect quote for tonight while listening to the rain fall.

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Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.

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When Is Enough, Enough? And my jumbled thoughts.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last written and my last post I was feeling pretty crappy about things. I’m not sure much has changed, in that aspect. First, the beginning of my weekend. We’ll start there cause then it might go a bit downhill after that.

My GBF’s sister’s birthday is today and he wanted to take her to Austin so she could have dinner at this place off Lake Travis. We’d made this plan. We were going to leave early Saturday drive to my brothers, hang for a while then go to the restaurant around the time the sun sets and meet up with a few other people. We’d gotten a bit of a late start but pretty much flew there and the plan went accordingly. We were all having a great time. Family, friends (new and old) and of course my niece and my BFF were there. We were all joking and playing and having a great time. The drive back was a great karaoke of 80’s hits which were being sung too loudly. We ended up getting home a bit later than expected around 11 but nothing too drastic.

I came in, changed and went to have drinks with a friend very late Saturday. He’s an old but great friend. We were telling these stories to his friends about some of our ‘good ole times’ and it was happy and fun. We were all having a blast. Towards the end of the night or I guess I should say early morning, he walked me to my car. We’d leaned against it for a bit and giggled at a few things and then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t forcefully with passion, it wasn’t in hopes of getting laid, it was just something he wanted to do right then and he did. I respect those types of actions. It lasted longer than it should have but it made me realize just how much I miss that. You know? All the Oxytocin that runs through your body after that. So, we kissed a bit more then said our goodbyes with promises to get together soon but I don’t know if I want to yet.

So, after a great Saturday, you know my “read somewhere wisdom” about getting seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day makes someone healthy? Yeah, so I was feeling pretty great. One of those days that you kind of don’t want to end but eventually I had to get to sleep. I was having THE friend come over the next day (or later that day) and he was going to make a healthy meal. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the “he forgot about me” incident but I was looking forward to it. I was going to leave the bad where it was and start fresh. No judgement, no grudges and was hoping to continue the vibe from the day before’s fun.

He came, a bit later than what I’d thought. I’d cleaned the kitchen. Bought a few things he’d requested after he bought the other half of the ingredients and I’d worked out a bit and added to my motivational wall of determination. I was ready for some more fun. He walked in with a sigh which felt like a “Ugh, I’m here again like an appointment” sigh. Went straight into the kitchen and just went to work. Talking to himself mostly. A few “where’s this” or “could you get this” sternly from him and that’s when it started…

Nothing I had was good enough. I’d bought the wrong this, or this was shitty or this was wrong. I have shitty this and that and NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH! I was trying really hard to not just walk out or scream or cry. Then when he starts out like that I start retreating into my own head and become small, so small and quiet. Then he gets mad because I don’t speak up but it’s because he’s already made me feel like shits never good enough. Then we eat and since we eat over “our TV shows” there’s no conversation. There’s no engaging.

After dinner, he was doing something on his computer which was important however, still no conversation. He does this thing when I don’t fast forward the commercials so I did it back and because he’s so into whatever he’s doing he yells at me. At this point, I’m feeling like a child that can’t seem to do anything right. I want to cry, a lot but again, why? What’s the point anymore?

On his way out the door, he’d asked about hanging out on Wednesday and I said no for two reasons. First, our last two Wednesday’s hadn’t worked out and two because HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, AGAIN. I feel like he thinks I said no because of some sort of punishment because he forgot but I’m trying so damn hard to not care anymore because this is still one sided. This is still not and never where this was in the beginning. I remember when we used to have fun and laugh and do new and exciting things but now it just feels like a chore or an appointment for him.

So, you are all asking why I keep doing this to myself right? Well, at first, there was such a strong connection that I felt toward him and yes, the whole being in love thing was a lot of it. You want to talk about Oxytocin? Even though he’s never and will never have those feelings for me he still acted with love, and care (sometimes) but he was also playful and did the hand holding and the inappropriate touching which I craved because I hated it from most others. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but it was where a lot of my good feelings about us were coming from. Being around him for one day gave me the 7 hugs, kisses (not compliments) that I needed to leave some of the bad shit behind us.

I still believe that there’s a whole lot of women out there who get to see a really great, nice and caring man that I don’t get to see. I really don’t know why HE keeps wanting to do this dance we do. On a good day it’s great but on a bad day, he makes me question myself which isn’t healthy, fair and it’s certainly NOT what I deserve. I deserve a friendship that grows and that is caring and that is helpful and NOT one that has me dripping tears in between key strokes. I am not this fragile and sensitive or at least I wasn’t. But it just makes me think about all the people who get his best and I don’t understand why I’m not on that list after what we’ve been through. This is bullshit.

The first guy that I was truly in love with, who I still work with, and I have this ritual. He usually brings his lunch and heats it up early. While he’s waiting he’ll come into my office, sit down and say, “So, ‘insert nickname here’, did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” I respond, “Yes, ‘insert nickname here’ I did such-and-such. How was yours? What did you do?” and we talk about things for a few moments. He and I have worked together for almost 17 years and known each other for almost 20. But we still have conversations, some meaningful some not so much. We ask each other questions, ask about problems that we’re going through. We still care enough about each other to TALK to each other and to GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER. It’s never forced conversation. There are no other feelings there but respect and friendship but that’s how things SHOULD BE!

Maybe the oxytocin from the sex that THE friend and I shared once three plus years ago has finally worn off completely. Maybe there’s just nothing good left here. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse as they say. Maybe I should let him out of this invisible contract that I feel that he thinks he’s in. He can go forth with making all his other friends happy and sharing things with them that he can’t seem to do with me. I should tell him that he’s served his time or community service and isn’t under any obligations any longer to HAVE to spend time “working” on this friendship. I’m sure he’s got other ‘people’ he’d rather be with.

Yes, I’m well aware that all sounds horrible and probably jealous or whatever but if I felt that I got half of the nice words that others got this wouldn’t seem so futile to me. Maybe I am a masochist or maybe God is still mad at me. I have no idea because I really can’t understand why THIS makes me feel as bad as it does. Sometimes, I feel like, since he’s working on his life and he’s getting to a better place that I’m a starter friendship or that I’m the test subject. I still feels so very replaceable which is the worst word EVER to use in a friendship and I’ve never used it before for any other.

I miss those days I was a cold hearted bitch that didn’t give a shit. I miss the days when his actions didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I miss the days when he didn’t make me cry. I miss the days when it meant more to write about the boy on Saturday who WANTED to spend time with me verses the boy who just didn’t have anything else to do that night. I miss the days when I wasn’t a Sunday and half-ass Wednesday girls. I think I’m still pretty envious of the other nights of the week girls in his world.

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