Watching others and their choices…

This afternoon I was in the grocery store. With my tiny little cart filled with oranges, leafy greens and bottled water I waiting through the line. While it seemed like the store was overfilled for a Tuesday and the lines were already long, mine seemed to never move. In the midst of flirting with some guy via text I looked up and saw the woman in front of me. She was hunched over with a cane and I just assumed that she was aging and needed to take that extra time. The young girls behind me just made fun of her and cursed and were impatient. I just went back to my half-ass flirtation.

The cashier who was checking her out was patient, very very patient. I noted that he held much more patience than not just the young girls behind me, myself but also just about anyone in a rush to get somewhere. It was about then that I overheard the lady tell the cashier that she’d just been hit by a car, not long ago and she had just gotten out of the hospital. It was obvious that she was in a lot of pain and that she didn’t have anyone else who would have gone grocery shopping for her.

It appeared that the store was short staffed and all the customers were sacking their own groceries. I decided to leave my cart where it was and go assist the woman sacking her groceries. While doing this, I’m not sure that her mind was at full capacity but the cashier who couldn’t have even been 18 yet had more patience than I could have imagined. He listened to her. He was helpful when she couldn’t remember her pin number and assisted her writing her check.

The whole process that should have taken about 10 minutes took about 40 minutes and by the time the lady was actually being assisted out the door with her groceries I was so thoroughly impressed with the cashier that I asked him to call his manager over. He had a look on his face of being petrified. I told him, “Don’t worry. I think you handled that customer better than most people would. I want to offer a compliment to your manager for you.”

He replied with, “I don’t usually get compliments and the ones that I do get are usually bad.”

First, I quickly realized that he didn’t understand what the word ‘compliment’ actually meant but second I was surprised that he really never had anyone say anything nice about him. That part made me a bit sad. There is this young kid who, in my opinion, went above and beyond helping someone and it didn’t seem hard for him. It seemed that it was in his nature but no one ever really noticed that before?

That, right there, is why I am so over all the negativity that is everywhere. It’s on TV, social media, in discussion with strangers or even friends. I understand today more so than in a long time why someone coined the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”

After that I came home and watched a YouTube video about three women who felt ugly, unattractive and boring. An interviewer in the video told them that they were beautiful, strong women and each one cried. Two of these ladies where probably over 50 and one was around 16. It baffles me that they’d never heard that before. It almost made me cry because that’s something that almost everyone needs to hear.

Beauty doesn’t mean, to me, that someone is outwardly attractive or has a great body or whatever the latest H&M ad on TV wants us to believe is beautiful. Beauty is comprised of what is on the inside of a person. Who cares if someone offers you a bouquet of roses if inside the bouquet is a pile of shit. It doesn’t make sense to me.

If you are someone who holds in compliments or holds on to the label “beautiful” until you think you’ve seen someone’s appearance you’re missing the entire point of what we are here for and to be quite honest you’re a shitty person. If you are that type of person, I hope we don’t meet.

I am guilty of the same. It’s easier to compliment a stranger for me than to compliment someone that I see all the time but I will do better. I will choose to do better and to make a point of complimenting more. It’s amazing what a few nice words can do to someone. It’s a selfless act that doesn’t make much time at all. Something as small as telling a woman that she has a beautiful smile or telling a man that he looks nice in a shirt… Anything works.

I just finished submitting a customer comment on the grocery stores web site because that kid needs to know that he did a pretty amazing thing today. And that’s my gratitude for the day.

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For The Love of Music, and the disdain for liars.

I just got confirmation of my tickets for our big summer music festival in town. I’m actually pretty excited about this year. Violent Femmes, The National, Modest Mouse, X Ambassadors… How can I not be excited for this show? The problem with this is this, a few weeks before the show all your “friends” come out of hiding or start being extra nice to you in hopes that they can be your plus one. I thought about who I’d bring. I thought to myself, “Who’s the only person that’s never lied to me, deceived me, never broken any promise to me, never used me…” and I came up with my BFF. That would be the reason she’s my BFF.

That raises a slight problem because she has multiple sclerosis and can’t be in the heat and lucky for us this festival happens in the heat of summer in Texas. We’ll have to figure out something even if it’s getting a hotel room by the fest and just relaxing in between our favorite sets. I don’t mind the heat so much. I’m always cold so it’s nice for me. Plus, I’m probably pretty low on the vitamin D so there’s that.

I love festival season. I love to be outside with the music and the people. Being one with nature and sound seems like a pretty good place right now. In fact, I think that’s where I’m going now. Seems like a good plan. My mood is still the same but I’m trying to ignore all the disappointments in life considering that’s something that’s never going to change.

What else is never going to change? Other people and their flaws and their lies and their dishonesty. For what? What’s the reason that so many people have to lie about things? I don’t understand this. If there was absolutely no way that I could find out about someone’s lies then go ahead. Lie to me but if there’s even a remote possibility that friends who have big mouths or like to send messages on social networks could get to me then why do it?

It’s all so juvenile and it makes them a crappy human. That’s the bottom line and I hate that bottom line. If there was some sort of proof in the opposite direction I wouldn’t be so easily convinced that they were someone that can’t be trusted then I’d probably not believe the truth or whatever someone’s perception of the truth is.

I’m still done helping the people that lie to me. I’m still ok with praying for them though. I think that going to church on Easter helped renew some sort of relationships that I have with God and that helps ground me for now. I have to believe that there is a plan for each of us and just because it’s not the plan that you’ve wished for or dreamed about doesn’t mean it’s not the best plan. Everything happens for a reason right?

But about the people above, some are here for a reason and some are here for a season… That’s what people say right? The only thing that I wonder is the people that tell other peoples secrets, are they doing it because they care or because they’re jealous or for some other reason? I wish I knew what their reason is. That’s all.

Hope you’re enjoying your day.

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The Power of THAT Word… and what I need right now.

This week has been a strange one again. I’m still sad and can’t seem to fix this. It’s no one else’s place to but I do wish that I had the strength to ask for help. I’m not sure what I would be asking them for right now specifically. I do know that I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I think it’s an accumulation of a lot of things but things that I can’t articulate right now.

The week started with a long email at work from my ex. I’ve not been texting him back for a while now and he knows why but this was an emotional email. He basically said that he’d been fighting with being lonely and depressed for such a long time and didn’t see hope until he and I started talking again. He said that it felt like fate that we were back in each others lives again and then he said something that I didn’t realize that I’d longed to hear for such a long time but not from him. He’d said, “I’m still in love with you.” Right words, wrong man. 

For such a large portion of my life I’ve pushed those words away so far and it almost hurt to hear. Whether it was “I love You” or “I’m in love with you” I just couldn’t bare to have those words hit me. But for some reason, I realized that I NEED to hear those words right now. I usually don’t have much of a reply or any at all and the only person that I actually can muster the words to say back is to my BFF but I HAVE TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.

I’d realized that for a split second, those words, that word has so much power over me and I’d probably do anything for that person who says that right now. In that second, I second guessed my judgement to not give him a chance. I quickly realized that I don’t want to be with him and even suggesting it for a second would be horrible of me to do to him. I don’t want to be with him and I’m not even sure I care to have his energy in my world right now, or ever again.

People say that you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy by yourself. Well, I’ve made an art form out of being by myself. In a crowded room I can still be miles away from anyone and I’ve had to be for a very long time. That’s just been normal for me. Like this weekend, it has been a hailstorm of people from a big birthday party Friday night to a wedding tonight. Both nights I’ve been standing around people who say “I love you” all the time to me but I felt like I was in a glass bowl and they were all mingling around the outside of the bowl.

I’d assumed that I make it hard to love me sometimes but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t agree with that. Those are the things that I find myself needing to hear right now. As much as it still stings a bit, I need to hear the reasons why? Why do they love me? Why do they think I’m pretty or beautiful? Why do they care so much? Or maybe I don’t need to hear it from everyone. Maybe I just need to hear it from one person…

My life, in its entirety, doesn’t suck. I like my job (even though some of the people I deal with suck). I love my friends. I have a food, shelter and clothing and I’m grateful for all those things but what I long for is humanity and touch and words and kindness and love right now.

If I really just needed some random human touch then I have a boat load of “booty call” numbers in my phone that I could do that with but it’s so beyond that. I need someone that I can cry in front of, someone that will hold my hand for no reason at all and someone that will finally tell ME that “everything will be alright”. I guess I just realized that it’s my turn for that. Funny thing about being a human rock of strength for others, after a while people just assume that you don’t need some of that strength returned.

I do understand that I just need to open my mouth up and say that I need these things but the thing about that is, I don’t know if I can and still just hope that one day, someone will just know that I need these things and just give them to me. I know that life isn’t that easy. I know that I might never meet someone who will just know that I need these things in my life and even those closest to me don’t realize that I might just not be as strong as I appear. Someday, I pray, that someone does those things for me because they care enough and realize that I need it more than I don’t.

I realized a while ago now that life isn’t about quick fixes, one night stands or fast and fleeting friendships. It’s about the times when you’re at your worst. When you’re cowered down in the fetal position and then when you look up and see who’s left. That is when it hits you. Those people that are there when you are at your lowest point, those are the ones that are meant to be the recipients of your love, kindness and blessings. Not the fly by night ones that you find yourself trying to impress because you don’t have to impress the important ones. They’re happy with you just being who you are and nothing more. I think if I look around my life, I can see two maybe three people that are completely content and happy with me, being me at this point right now. That’s not such a great number in a crowd full of “friends” but luckily I’ve spent my weekend with those that do.

I had big plans for April, for no other reason that just because I felt like it was time. I still do but choose not to talk about them because it seems that the moment life figures out I’m happy about something is when things turn to shit. That’s why I don’t talk to anyone about my happy moments as much as I should.

So, I guess, this post finds me indifferent than where I was on my last post. I’m still sad. I still need things that I can’t ask for and I’m still a ball full of secrets but just the fact that I’m not ok with being in this place gives me the strength to get up each day and try to fix myself.

I understand that I NEED to hear the “L-word” but I NEED to hear it from someone that can say it like an arrow piercing my heart. I know that human touch is something that I need too and that sitting in silence with my secrets next to someone else is so much better than sitting in silence alone with my secrets. I just need real, true and honest right now. I hope I get that soon.

Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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Bonding Over Bondage… and Other Random Things.

Today was an unsurprising mess of male disappointment. Some men unsurprisingly not doing things they promised and others doing things that were completely unexpectedly annoying. I am so very tired of being promised things and there being no delivery. I’m sick and tired of doing my part and others don’t keep their end of the bargain. I’m so effing done with bullshit, lies and just a-hole males shits. Okay, so I’m a little pissed.

I had an old friend come by tonight and bring dinner. He’d offered to cook but his cooking tastes like ass so I declined. Instead he brought over some other crap and we just sat and talked about so much.  He’d invited me to some fetish ball. Not the first time I’ve gone, pretty interesting but I’m not really into instant gratification (part of being a grownup) so I mentally declined his offer with a “maybe”. He already knew what that meant anyway.

I feel like after yesterdays really long to-do list that I might actually get some crap done this weekend. I need to drastically clean everything in my home, do laundry, sort out some other stuff. It’s boring but it’s a must do. I figure with only half a day of work tomorrow then I can get an early start. On the complete opposite side of the coin I was also invited to church on Sunday. This feels like the better choice and one that I might just succumb to.

I feel like maybe God will listen to me if I’m actually in his house, maybe. He’s certainly not been listening to me lately. Maybe what I’ve been asking for is just too much. Maybe the fact that all I want is something that I don’t deserve right now. I don’t know. What I do know is that with all the good I’ve been putting out I’ve not gotten any of it back. Why? Because people lie, cheat and are deceitful and I’m tired of it.

Maybe all the men that have really pissed me off today and this week should be the ones going to church and asking forgiveness for their mistakes and their lies and their lack of concern for others. This is when I say karma will go into full effect. For instance, each time they trip, get a ticket or lose money they can all just assume that’s because they’ve done something to someone that was hurtful and unkind.

I shouldn’t be annoyed or surprised, well, I’m not surprised. I set myself up for this shit every single time I do something nice for someone who doesn’t give a shit at all. I also shouldn’t let one or two bad apples ruin the kindness that I give out to those who reciprocate it but I can’t help my feelings. They are real and they are valid. So, eff them. I’m done with everyone who wants something from me. They can find their assistance in some other stupid person who doesn’t mind being treated like a doormat from here on out. 

Truth is, I don’t ask much in return, EVER. But when NOTHING is given back and there’s only these “dangling of carrots” which equate to broken promises, or false sense of whatever, or the teasing of emotional baggage then there’s nothing left to do. There’s so much more to life than shitty people who use and abuse others. I’m tired of being around them all. I’m tired of looking into my mirror and seeing someone who deserves much much more than being treated as a pawn or time wasted or something else.

You know, it’s funny, I barely ever ask for things especially from others. But when I do ask for something and it’s not done it just solidifies why I don’t fucking need anyone else’s help. People can’t be trusted nor can they be counted on. People, men have really let me down today and this week and probably even longer so fuck off to them all. The only safety, comfort or truth is within me and no where else. I’m just so disappointed tonight. I didn’t think I’d be back here again. God help the next “man” that asks for a favor, help or anything from me and especially the ones that use emotions or trickery. I’ve let them knowingly get away with it for far too long. 

So, my weekend is either Church or bondage… This might have been an easier choice before I got even more mad writing this post because now I feel like beating the crap out of someone. I feel like the last true, honest, caring, non-whorish and kind male that was in my life, I lost last year and that was my last chance to be happy. That’s sad. That is my cross to bare but no one else’s crap is my cross to bare so I wish them all well. To hell with all of you crappy men. I wish just once that a guy would effing surprise me in a good way and not be an a-hole.

This too shall pass… or so I’m told. People suck today. Not all people, I still like all of you. Hope you’re having a better day than I am.

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Reading the Wrong Signs…

Almost everyday I drive past this orthodontist sign that has a guitar on it. It doesn’t make sense to me unless the dentist is somehow playing a guitar at the same time he’s drilling someone’s tooth and if that’s the case then he is one that I do not wish to go see. That’s my interpretation of that sign. I think I’ve proven to be pretty bad at interpreting anything, especially these days.

After work I went to go see a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s my Shaman friend that I’ve talked about before. She could immediately sense that I was “not right”… I’m not sure I’ve ever been right though but after a few minutes of talking about the stress of my job and my health she gave me a large amethyst rock. It’s supposed to have all these healing properties. It’s supposed to bring happiness and prosperity to those who are around it and bring peace and clarity when dealing with problems. This is astounding to me since she doesn’t even know the half of my problems but for now it’s just supposed to be around me and my loved ones. It’s pretty big though so since I’m not heaving it around anywhere they can all come here if they want some good luck, positive energy or healing. It was a nice thought though.

She also reads people, cards and signs. She’s predicted my future on many occasion and she doesn’t even know that much about me. She’s told me about my past and other things. She’s been right so far but we shall see. Mostly, I just like being around her because she has a very calming nature. From the moment I step into her house it’s as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders which today was needed.

My day started with a fight with my boss but I suppose most of my week days start like that recently. Work is stressful and it’s making me sick and he doesn’t understand that. Not to mention that he’s also an irrational child who doesn’t think about anyone but himself. His family, when he was growing up, had a phrase for him, “Stop the world he needs to get off!” That is him in a nutshell.

I’m not really sure why I’ve chosen a career world filled with selfish assholes salted all around. For once, just once I’d like someone to take care of me. I’d like for someone to look out for my needs and to just effing look out for me. That’s pretty selfish to say since I’ve had the opportunities in the past to let them but never wanted to and now I want to and it’s not there. Karma anyone? I believe this is the exact definition of it. There are actual times in my life when the voice in my head screams out, “Ask for help you a-hole!!!!!” But then I think better not too. No one needs that much of my crap.

Blah, this is residual from my day being vomited on this page. I’ll apologize for that. My day was frustrating and my night was decent so there’s that. I finished my run and got some of that out and then walked some more and got even more out, anger that is but I thought about the question, “How are you?” Such a simple question that probably gets asked millions of times a day. Out of those millions how many times does it actually, truthfully get answered? People respond with “fine” so quickly and use some sort of mask to shield their true emotions. Course, then you have those bat-crap crazy people who use the question to jump onto their soapbox filled with their hypochondriac-isms because they made the mistake of googling “what’s that thing on my knee” and now they fully believe they’re going to sprout three heads and each one filled with a different type of cancer. So yeah, we put on masks to not sound crazy. Does it even work anymore though?

I’m actually in a decent mood. Don’t let this strange post let you believe otherwise. I’m off to bed soon, I think. Better day tomorrow.

Hope you’re having a great week! How are you?

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SSB and strange addictions…

Sex and the City coined the phrase “SSB” or secret single behavior. What do you do when no ones looking? So one of my strange SSBs is that I am addicted to reading the “Missed Connections” in Craigslist. Yes, I am completely aware that the majority of these are fake or just plain stupid but that’s my secret social network addiction.

For years now, there’s been one guy that’s quoted music lyrics. He doesn’t do it often and I’m not even sure he’s putting them out to anyone specific but he always chooses great songs. But as far as the rest of the missed connections go, I’m not really sure why I like to read those. I guess it’s always nice to see others putting themselves out there and searching for something.

I guess we are all searching for something right? Even when we think our lives are great, there’s always something else out there and sometimes it might be a missed connection, or a better job, or a better “other half”. We are never satisfied which what we have which is good and bad. On one hand, never being satisfied is what challenges us to do better; however, on the other hand, always assuming there’s something better out there is why people get cheated on, don’t realize what they have until it’s gone or just plainly eff up crap in their life. This would be because they’re always look ahead instead of right next to them.

I’m guilty of the same. I think we all are. As humans we are flawed. We screw things up and we make mistakes. Sometimes, a lot of them. But lately, I’ve been really searching and talking to people about their beliefs and they feel they need to work on in themselves. One thing I’ve heard a lot is empathy, forgiveness and guilt. People tell me that they wish they could forgive people easier. They wish they could feel a bit more empathetic towards others and that they could forgive others. These happen to all be what I’ve been working on as well.

There are a lot of people that I need to forgive and I’ve worked out a lot of that lately. Some of these people are no longer on this earth so writing things out and burning those thoughts seems to help with those things. The people that are still here and that I still see are easier because their goodness now shows that they can change. The ones that I don’t see any longer, those I just pray for and wish them well.

The empathy part of me, well, as much as I’m a cold person on the outside, I’m very almost overly empathetic. That’s also an Aquarius trait. We seem cold and distant but we feel everything. I was told that as a child I would look after my teddy bears as they were people and if one fell was stepped on or thrown then I would cry. I don’t remember this but I believe it. I feel more than I should and especially lately. Which is why I’m becoming masterful at meditation.

The guilt, something we all feel about something. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over. I feel guilty about situations from my past that I can’t change. The only thing I can do now is make up for my guilt by being a good human.

What does my version of being a good human consist of these days? I’ve kind of made a mantra for myself lately that I’ve been living by and it’s been helping. Here it is:

I will donate my time and personal items to the needy.
I will not turn my back on a friend in need.
I will meditate each day and pray for those around me and myself.
I will write to help me through my confused mind.
I will try to change the things that are not healthy in me and help the good things about me grow.

Those are just a few things that I’m working on. Myself, I’m a work in progress. Change, exactly how much change is needed to being a good human? And is it acceptable to ask someone else to change as well? Well, this depends on what the person is doing. If they are doing something that is harming themselves or others then yes, this is acceptable to ask but if this is part of their makeup and it doesn’t cause harm to someone else then no. No one should be asked to change who they are and it is all part of acceptance. You have to take the good and the bad with people.

There is no one that I am changing for. I just know that I need to better myself. We are never perfect and I’m happy with who I am and if someone else isn’t that is none of my business. If someone chooses to take you for who you are, no exceptions than they are a true friend. There are lots of selfish, narcissistic and fake humans out there and a lot of times they are disguised as someone they are not. Be careful for those humans. These are the ones that continue to make mistakes, use people or don’t give themselves as they should to others but then go in and ask for forgiveness, knowing that they’ll do it all again.

I’ve known a few of these people and some have come through business channels. I used to sit back and hope that karma would come quickly but now I realize that what happens to them or how they handle their situation is none of business. In fact, I’m learning that there’s a lot of things that I really shouldn’t and don’t care to know. If people choose to tell me their stories then I will be more than happy to listen but others wise, it’s of no importance to me.

You know of my allergy to social media. It’s not just an allergy but an aversion and I get bored easily. But my real, true friends don’t even use it much anyway so it’s nice to actually catch up with people that don’t say “Didn’t you see? I posted it.” I was talking with my friend in the northeast the other day and not once did we discuss anything about what someone posted. It was all new information and catching up. We’ve been talking about him moving back to Austin next year and it might be about the same time that I do. Hopefully, we’ll be able to work full time together.

Houston has become a stagnant wasteland for me. Most of my real relationships are in Austin anyway and I think it’s just about time to move. Austin is healthier and will bring much needed change. I think this town has become toxic to me but my move is at least six months away so this still gives me time to do all the growing and changing I need to do here. Although, I can’t say that moving away to a deserted island still doesn’t have its perks.

Today is good. It might not stay that way all day but for right now, it’s good. I’m in a good place and I have purposely kept my weekend free so that I can, hopefully, not do a darn thing. I want to enjoy the thunderstorm tomorrow and not have any place that I actually HAVE to be. Hopefully, this plan will not change.

Hope you are all having a great day. 🙂
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Awkwardly horrible yet still smiling day… 

So today has had a lot of highs and lows, mostly lows, however I am not going to let any of that get me down. Someone, yet again, tried to salt my world with their lonely bitterness this morning and it made me do something that I really didn’t want to do but had too. This goes back to my post about people trying to push their shitty agendas on others because their world sucks. Blah. Some people are just assholes and I have no idea why I’ve become the recipient of their negativity.

I have been a more than kind person to a few close people in my life. This has never exhausted me nor made me regret anything I’ve done out of care but for some reason something I’ve done for one friend has obviously upset someone who had feelings for him. I think I’m pissing them off more because I’m not responding to their level of immaturity rather than engaging in it. See, I’m not a bitch but you also don’t fuck with people I care about, regardless of where we are with each other.

I really don’t understand why people choose to infect their bad moods, self-loathing or shitty disposition on other humans. When I’m in a bad mood, I’d rather shut myself away and not pass that on to anyone else. Unless I’m at work, then I usually take it out on my boss. I’d never say this to anyone but this asshole’s words affected me to the point of tears, for a third time and so I’m pretty sure I’ve made things so they can’t anymore. I teared. I fixed it. I moved on. After having two workout sessions today, seeing my friend’s beautiful baby girl and writing a bit, I feel so much better.

I think I want to start packing my stuff this weekend. My move date will come way too quickly and I have lots of stuff. The good thing is if I start now then I might be done in time 🙂 Plus I’d like to sell some stuff for extra cash, stuff I never use anyway. Then I have very early plans all weekend which is weird because I don’t do early but it’ll give me time to get a good nights rest? Who am I kidding, I’ll probably got to bed late all weekend. This is the time of year when all the concerts, charity events and parties are many. It’ll be the time to dress up, look pretty and have fun. I’m actually looking forward to them this year.

I spoke to my friend who lives in the northeast this week and he’s planning on coming here for Thanksgiving. I miss his face so that should be fun as well. Aside from all of that today ended with a cash bonus somehow and tickets to a new winter festival in town. I will miss the perks of this job for sure although I’m pretty sure I’ll still be able to get them when I’m gone. Sixteen years is a long time to work somewhere and knowing the owner for almost 20 years will help as well.

On my last note of today, I finally went to my mailbox (which I never do) and found a letter. I have no idea who the letter was from but it was very sweet and you all know how I feel about getting a hand written letter. This would be out of my normal “strange” but it’s not. I’ve said before that weird things happen to me all the time. For years I’ve gotten an anonymous gift on Valentine’s Day. No clue who those were from. I’d been given all the 50 shades of shit books left, gift wrapped on my door step, teddy bears, flowers… It’s all been a strange mystery but I’m not that inquisitive. I might actually be one of the lease noisy people ever. My thought was, “If I’m supposed to know, then I will. If not, then it’s none of my business”. You all know how much of a private person I am already so this just goes with the flow.

I’m going to go do one final workout, get ready for bed and watch a scary movie before sleeping. Have a great night.

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