June Challenge time… and maybe some random thoughts.

May wasn’t a perfect month for my challenge but I’m ok with that. Since then I’ve been pinning the crap out of any “30 day challenge” that I find. I’ve told you my slight pinning addiction before right? Well, these are the things that I’ve come up with for June:

1. Exercise – This I’m going to try to do 30 minutes at minimum every day. On most days I don’t have a problem with this but when THE friend is here I just realize how much I want to lounge and spend time with him. However, if he wants this to be more of a roommate type of situation then I need to find the time to do my routines with him here or not. I did manage to do five times a week for a month so adding two more days won’t be much more. Since I’m not training for a marathon anytime soon who needs a rest day?

2. Water Intake – I’ve been feeling dehydrated for a while now and had the worst muscle spasm the other night. So I will be upping my water intake. Since it’s usually the only thing I drink aside from my morning cup of coffee I don’t think it SHOULD be hard but obviously it has been before.

These next three are ones that I’ve found online. The first is the “Love Yourself Challenge”, the second is the “30 days of Gratitude Challenge” and the fifth is the random “30 day Challenge”. Those are the three that I found on pinterest. So I’ll finish with those toward the bottom.

There’s a few reasons why these are so good for me. I get so caught up in work sometimes that I find myself making these random “to-do” lists before I go to sleep. This is why I need to knock myself out with some form of a sleep inducing something whether it be a tea, a pill or the sound of rain. I also feel like I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes for doing the things that make others feel better. I started to realize that it’s none of my business what others feel, just me.

You all know how I feel about those “seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day” to make you an emotionally healthy person. Well, maybe I can give some of those to myself. Not the kisses cause that would just be weird and probably the hugs too.

I guess, for now, this blog will become my hub for my monthly challenges because it’s turned out that my dating life isn’t really much to write about. Now, with that said, I’ve also decided that aside from the daily challenges I will also add five things to do within the month. My five things are:
– Do one thing I’ve never done before.
– Be more open and loving.
– Spend time with the ex at least twice.
– Take an online class for something that I want to learn.
– Donate another lot of clothes that I don’t wear anymore.

So those are just things that will randomly happen within the month. I will sum up my challenges today, so far.

1. Exercise – I did 41 minutes and I did not think that was going to happen. First, my trek home was impeded by a large fallen tree which blocked off my street then I got caught by the government census guy. But he was actually coo and invited me to a charity event on Saturday. That might be a thing I take the ex to because I don’t really like going to those things by myself.

2. Water – I’ve drank my appropriate water for the day and now I feel like a fish.

3. Write about yourself – include physical characteristics. Well, as most of you know I’m a British girl living in a Texas world. I was literally born inside of a pub. We moved to Saudi Arabia for a short time then to the states. I like my heritage. I don’t have an accent but I wish I did. However if I tried to I’d just sound like an even worse version of Madonna and no one wants that. My first passion is music. I work in a mans world and can hold my own. My sarcasm is salted throughout all my good deeds so I seem like a cold hard bitch. I’ve had some pretty shitty things happen in my life and they screwed me up for some time but I grew and I learned who I was and tried to use those experiences to improve myself. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m in love with a boy from my past that’s become my present and I can only hope that he’s part of my future but if it wasn’t for him I think this blog might be entirely different.

As for my physical characteristics I tell you about the parts of me that I like. I like my legs, my eyes and lips and I like my butt. Nothing about me will ever be perfect but I can appreciate things about me that have not only gotten the most compliments but that I like about myself. I also like that I’m tall and on a good day, I like my hair.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What smell are you grateful for today? The word smell to me has somewhat of a negative connotation after spending a few days with THE friend and his wicked gas. There was actually a moment while we were buried in a blanket on the couch and after he’d proceeded to rapid fire the after-shocks of what happens when he eats dairy that I accidentally dutch oven’ed myself trying to hid under the blanket for cover.

However, when I think of nice smells I think of vanilla, lavender and strawberries. I think of freshly washed sheets or towels. Vanilla, if you weren’t aware is an aphrodisiac smell and since it’s my favorite smell I try not to have those candles burning when THE friend is here because there’s really no reason for me to get more turned on when the payout is separate beds at the end of the night. I also really like the smell of fresh cilantro. At the top of all of that though is the Noel Vanilla bean candle from Bath and Bodyworks and Johnson’s baby bedtime lotion. I could live with those two smells for the rest of my life. Lastly though, and this might be gross but after THE friend has been here and if I’m feeling especially sad or something I like to sleep with the blanket that he’s used because it smells like him. Someone else just said it smelled like body odor but apparently I really am attracted to his pheromones.

5. Put your playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs that play and if you have any memories about them – this should be interesting I’ve got lots of weird things but I will not cheat.
1. New Years Day By: Abandon
2. Valerie Loves Me By: Material Issue
3. 503 By: Joshua Bell & Hans Zimmer
4. La Mer By: Nine Inch Nails – So many concerts and such great memories.
5. X Amount of Words By: Blue October – I was friends with Justin before they got big and we used to hang out at this coffee shop downtown. His songs remind me of a different time when I was a different person. That’s as far as I’ll take that memory for now.
6. Strange By: Tori Amos – Tori and the organizations that she supports got me through some really tough times in my life. Years later, it led me to offer my volunteer services to someone else to help them get through their worst moments of life as well. I will always remember that.
7. Over By: A Perfect Circle – A great concert in the rain right after a breakup.
8. Biting Down By: Lorde
9. Kissing You By: Nellee Hooper
10. Black Beauty By: Lan Del Rey

And those are my thoughts and challenges for today. I thank you for sticking by and indulging in my thoughts, words and memories. Some days I feel like I’m a broken record and then realize that this is me, right now. If you have any challenges you’re into let me know. I’d love to keep this up.

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Points of Clarity That I Wish I Didn’t See…

This last week has been strange. While contemplating it last night, I was up till almost 5 am then awake again at 9 this morning. I was exhausted but looking forward to spending some more time with THE friend because Game of Thrones was back on tonight and it’s one of our many shows that we watch. However, things did not go as planned.

To say his moods are all over the place isn’t fair. Mine are as well and they’re usually dictated by his. I assumed (which you should never do) that after an text “argument” the other day that things would feel a little different tonight. I suppose more so that I wished they’d have been different. He still holds the reward for the person that I’ve been most honest with ever. Things may not get worked out the moment they happen but we usually discuss things after the fact. They might change for a moment or two but they usually go back to where they were. This used to be ok.

Over the last week while he was here, which I was happy about, I had some issues. Clean up after yourself. Don’t eat things that I ask you not to because they’re for my breakfast and a few other points. I admitted to him that he made me feel invisible and that it always feels as though he never really wants to be here. Those words hurt the worst to admit because I’ve never felt that before. I thought with his response of “that really bothers me that I make you feel that way” that things would change. Again, that’s what I get for assuming.

I have many friends that I see more often than him and that I speak to more often than him and yet we always find things to talk about. We put our phones away and just talk about anything. Tonight, however, there was a moment when there was 37 minutes of silence because he was buried in his phone. 37 minutes is a long time when all you want is for someone to prove to you that they actually want to be here. So, I went into my room to charge my phone and lied down for a moment. The next thing I know I’m waking up about an hour later to a dark house.

I don’t blame him for leaving but in a funny twist of fate I wonder if he realizes that that’s what it’s like to be around him. Here’s the other funny part. I live my life, with him, in two sections. The first being how I feel and how he makes me feel. The second is why he does the things he does and how he feels about things. I never want to upset him. I never WANT to argue with him and I NEVER want to make him feel like he makes me feel. Why? Because it fucking sucks.

On the way home the other night, when I knew he was still at my home, my mom decided that would be a great time to call me and tell me that my dad is going blind. My family has a strange way of breaking bad news. When I got home I thought that would have been a nice time to “let him in” and tell him and maybe have him help me inventory my feelings about that except he was passed out in what looked to be a depressed slumber so I decided not to ruin his night and decided to forgo what might have turned in to an emotion conversation.

That’s the thing. I think about his feelings. I try to step lightly on egg shells ALL THE TIME. Half my grocery list is things that he likes, or wanted, or mentioned in passing. I think about him way more often than I should and I suffer for it. He can’t see what he’s doing to me because he can’t see outside of his own self. He has no idea what goes through my head and this next part is the part that would hurt him beyond what I’m ever willing to do. He has no idea how hard it is to be his friend. The next part is the hardest for me to admit to myself and that’s I often wonder how the hell I’m still in love with him but I am. Through all the shitty conversations that we’ve actually had, through the shitty things he does and says and through all HIS tough times it is still the hardest decision in my life to leave him even though I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about this friendship. He takes me for granted all the time and sometimes, I think he manipulates my feelings to see what I’ll do. Or what’s worse than that is that I am more terrified to realize that he doesn’t think about me at all. That would be the worst case, I think.

For some reason, he knows the emotional me. No one else really knows that. I thought about this the other night. I’d gone out with some friends to our usual Friday night spot and was flirting with the very young waiter. I was being who I usually am around others. By the end of the night he’d slipped me his phone number and said we should hang out which is pretty much any young man’s code for lets get nasty. I thought about that tonight because THE friend and I don’t have that type of relationship. There’s so much crap mixed in everything. There’s emotions, favors and secrets. Not so much secrets between us but I think we hold a lot back from each other. Maybe we don’t. Short of some sort of miracle or intervention I can’t see this getting any better. As much as I talk about it on here I think I can already write our ending which might just be coming way too soon. I think I always knew our story never had a happy ending but I wished that there was so much more happy in the middle.

What I need from this “ship” is to know that he actually wants to spend time with me. That I make a positive difference in his life. I need to know that this isn’t a friendship of convenience for him or that this is his last resort. I need him to not make me feel like an invisible piece of shit and I need to know why I can’t “quit him”.

It’s a bit funny that I try to give all the worst parts of this relationship to my therapists and they’ve all had some sort of insight that goes way beyond what I’ll ever understand or believe. I explain to them all the shitty parts of this and how I feel so completely unappreciated yet they always have come back with some insight as to where his feelings might actually lie. So the therapists, the fortune tellers, the shamans and my own best friend all betray me with the impression that he does actually care and have feelings that he might not even know he’s got. I hear all that and want to act like a child by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE ARE NO FEELINGS! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! AND HE CERTAINLY DOESN’T LOVE ME!”.

It boils down to this… You can say anything you want. It doesn’t matter. If your actions don’t backup those words then you’re just lying. Bottom line. You can’t say, “I love you and care about you” and then treat me, my home and my words like they don’t matter. Life doesn’t work like that. But instead of screaming, fighting and saying things that could hurt him, I just fall asleep in a dark cold room 20 feet away because sitting next to him in 37 minutes of silence, while he desperately seeks out the rest of the world and shows me that every one else is more important was the easier thing to do.

I would love to know why he feels the need to take the harshness this world has bestowed upon him out on me, the one who’s been here with everything that he needs, wants and could ever have for three plus years now. Where the fuck is my happy ending and if I don’t get one then what’s the point in all of this anyway? About a month after we starting spending time together, three plus years ago, he once told me that he felt I was an angel that came to him. I wish that his actions made me actually believe that because it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. That seems like such a long time ago now. The trouble with memories is that you can always remember a time that was better than it is right now.

I can’t believe I’m crying over him again. When will I use up my tears on this one boy? Why will my tears not dry up? I’m sick of crying over someone that’s never cried over me.

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Hopes verses Fears… My Thoughts Tonight.

There’s a fine line between hopes and fears and sometimes you can hope and fear the same things. Hope for love but fear getting it because then there’s something to lose. Hope for independence but fear for it because someone might not be there to catch you when you fall. Hope for a different place than where you are but fear that place might be worse. It’s a tough thing.

I read an article the other day about people who stay in a deep dark places because they don’t feel that there’s anywhere further down and in hopes that they don’t lift themselves up only to be let down again, they are (for lack of a better word) happy to be at their worst.

Over the last few weeks, months and possibly years I’ve felt like I’ve let so many things go in my life out of fear but I gift wrapped my decisions by saying that if it was meant to be then it would be. Some days I still feel that is the case but others I feel like I just effed up.

I think that it all boiled over this week, starting on Sunday then just got progressively worse until I finally saw someone. I decided to go back to my therapist because my dark side was starting to spill over into others worlds and it wasn’t fair. Of course, the first question begins, “So what brings you back here, again?”. My answer or what I could muster is that I was afraid that who I was spilling on to will get sick of it and leave but then again, maybe I was pushing him away anyway.

So, all the things I’ve talked about that I want and need in my life right now are here in this blog and it’s a long list of sometimes normalcy and sometimes specific but all these things I was getting. From someone that has no expectation to give them to me. It started to get worse because the more and more I wanted certain things in my life the more and more he’d do these things but the real problem here? We’re not a couple. We’ve never dated and it was hard to see him as just a friend because he was checking all the boxes of things that I NEEDED but without the intimacy. It was starting to drive me crazy.

I’m tell the therapist about this, him and m close friends, and work. She’d asked why I didn’t talk or bring up my family. Then came out the truth there. We have never all been close and because of some certain reasons I don’t even speak to my parents much aside from the normal “Happy Birthday” here and there. I explained to my therapist that I’ve made up my own “family” through the years and it consists of a few really close friends. People do say that friends are Gods apology for family anyway.

We talked about my job and how stressful it is to work for two men that hate each other. Why I’ve stayed as long as I have and to be honest it’s because I can be myself there and because I feel like that company that I work for is mine too. I was there when it started and I helped it grow. Because of some very poor decisions on the owners parts it’s in trouble now but has strangely always been able to survive going through rough times. I could easily accept any one of the jobs that have been offered to me but I feel like I’d be giving up on this company that seems to have a life all on it’s own.

I explained to her that I’m no where I thought I’d be at this age. I want a family and I felt like I’d given up on all those dreams because I gave up on all those men. So she asked what it was about the one man. I’d realized that on one of my last post I’d said just how much I crave to hear the words, “I love you” or “I’m in love with you”. They are both entirely different to me. But when I was leaving Monday morning and he was half asleep on the couch he mumbled “I love you” and in my emotionally challenged world I realized that that actually helped, hurt and confused all in the same breath.

It helped because I need to hear it. It hurt because it just solidified that those words will never mean the same to him as they mean to me. And it confused me because hearing those words made me want to cry for all the times that I couldn’t say it back, just like then. I stood there with my back to him, grabbing my keys and tears gathering in my eyes inside this dark, what felt like the tiniest room ever and just walk out the door saying what felt like a millions words of silence.

He’d later sent me a text saying that he was so hurt and felt horrible because I wouldn’t talk to him. Which reading at work, in the bathroom, had tears streaming down my face. I could recall everything about that morning. I literally felt like someone who was awake during anesthesia. I wanted to scream, or just say SOMETHING but nothing would come out except in my head. I was saying all those things inside my head. I was screaming to be heard but all in silence. 

It’s not fair and it’s not his fault. These are my flaws and these are my issues to fix. Exercise only works so much before something else has to happen to. There’s a lot of fixing things on my end that I need to do. There’s a lot of secrets that are inside my head that need to be dealt with and I’m working on that and some of that has to do with the look I saw on his face out of the corner of my eye when I rejected his touch and his help. That broke my heart.

It’s obvious that I need to take time to try to repair things in my life so that when I get to a happier place I can still say that I’ve gone through all of this for a purpose. The only upside to being sad is that it doesn’t make you hungry and you exercise like a crazy person so my pants are a lot looser right now.

I am never going to stop wishing that his “I love you” meant more than it did but I’m also so very thankful for it. I’m never going to be okay at this place that I’m in right now which gives me the strength to get up and move somewhere. I have a lot of grief and things that I need to deal with but at least I have a starting point now. At least I have a goal. Who knows who will be there at the end but all I can do until then is to make myself better so that there are good, decent and loving people there at the end.

So, I’m not great and maybe not even good but I’m getting there. I hope you are having a blessed week and that there is someone there to tell you they love you even if it’s too painful to hear. You might realize one day that it’s the one thing that has saved you from yourself.

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For The Love of Music, and the disdain for liars.

I just got confirmation of my tickets for our big summer music festival in town. I’m actually pretty excited about this year. Violent Femmes, The National, Modest Mouse, X Ambassadors… How can I not be excited for this show? The problem with this is this, a few weeks before the show all your “friends” come out of hiding or start being extra nice to you in hopes that they can be your plus one. I thought about who I’d bring. I thought to myself, “Who’s the only person that’s never lied to me, deceived me, never broken any promise to me, never used me…” and I came up with my BFF. That would be the reason she’s my BFF.

That raises a slight problem because she has multiple sclerosis and can’t be in the heat and lucky for us this festival happens in the heat of summer in Texas. We’ll have to figure out something even if it’s getting a hotel room by the fest and just relaxing in between our favorite sets. I don’t mind the heat so much. I’m always cold so it’s nice for me. Plus, I’m probably pretty low on the vitamin D so there’s that.

I love festival season. I love to be outside with the music and the people. Being one with nature and sound seems like a pretty good place right now. In fact, I think that’s where I’m going now. Seems like a good plan. My mood is still the same but I’m trying to ignore all the disappointments in life considering that’s something that’s never going to change.

What else is never going to change? Other people and their flaws and their lies and their dishonesty. For what? What’s the reason that so many people have to lie about things? I don’t understand this. If there was absolutely no way that I could find out about someone’s lies then go ahead. Lie to me but if there’s even a remote possibility that friends who have big mouths or like to send messages on social networks could get to me then why do it?

It’s all so juvenile and it makes them a crappy human. That’s the bottom line and I hate that bottom line. If there was some sort of proof in the opposite direction I wouldn’t be so easily convinced that they were someone that can’t be trusted then I’d probably not believe the truth or whatever someone’s perception of the truth is.

I’m still done helping the people that lie to me. I’m still ok with praying for them though. I think that going to church on Easter helped renew some sort of relationships that I have with God and that helps ground me for now. I have to believe that there is a plan for each of us and just because it’s not the plan that you’ve wished for or dreamed about doesn’t mean it’s not the best plan. Everything happens for a reason right?

But about the people above, some are here for a reason and some are here for a season… That’s what people say right? The only thing that I wonder is the people that tell other peoples secrets, are they doing it because they care or because they’re jealous or for some other reason? I wish I knew what their reason is. That’s all.

Hope you’re enjoying your day.

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The Power of THAT Word… and what I need right now.

This week has been a strange one again. I’m still sad and can’t seem to fix this. It’s no one else’s place to but I do wish that I had the strength to ask for help. I’m not sure what I would be asking them for right now specifically. I do know that I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I think it’s an accumulation of a lot of things but things that I can’t articulate right now.

The week started with a long email at work from my ex. I’ve not been texting him back for a while now and he knows why but this was an emotional email. He basically said that he’d been fighting with being lonely and depressed for such a long time and didn’t see hope until he and I started talking again. He said that it felt like fate that we were back in each others lives again and then he said something that I didn’t realize that I’d longed to hear for such a long time but not from him. He’d said, “I’m still in love with you.” Right words, wrong man. 

For such a large portion of my life I’ve pushed those words away so far and it almost hurt to hear. Whether it was “I love You” or “I’m in love with you” I just couldn’t bare to have those words hit me. But for some reason, I realized that I NEED to hear those words right now. I usually don’t have much of a reply or any at all and the only person that I actually can muster the words to say back is to my BFF but I HAVE TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.

I’d realized that for a split second, those words, that word has so much power over me and I’d probably do anything for that person who says that right now. In that second, I second guessed my judgement to not give him a chance. I quickly realized that I don’t want to be with him and even suggesting it for a second would be horrible of me to do to him. I don’t want to be with him and I’m not even sure I care to have his energy in my world right now, or ever again.

People say that you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy by yourself. Well, I’ve made an art form out of being by myself. In a crowded room I can still be miles away from anyone and I’ve had to be for a very long time. That’s just been normal for me. Like this weekend, it has been a hailstorm of people from a big birthday party Friday night to a wedding tonight. Both nights I’ve been standing around people who say “I love you” all the time to me but I felt like I was in a glass bowl and they were all mingling around the outside of the bowl.

I’d assumed that I make it hard to love me sometimes but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t agree with that. Those are the things that I find myself needing to hear right now. As much as it still stings a bit, I need to hear the reasons why? Why do they love me? Why do they think I’m pretty or beautiful? Why do they care so much? Or maybe I don’t need to hear it from everyone. Maybe I just need to hear it from one person…

My life, in its entirety, doesn’t suck. I like my job (even though some of the people I deal with suck). I love my friends. I have a food, shelter and clothing and I’m grateful for all those things but what I long for is humanity and touch and words and kindness and love right now.

If I really just needed some random human touch then I have a boat load of “booty call” numbers in my phone that I could do that with but it’s so beyond that. I need someone that I can cry in front of, someone that will hold my hand for no reason at all and someone that will finally tell ME that “everything will be alright”. I guess I just realized that it’s my turn for that. Funny thing about being a human rock of strength for others, after a while people just assume that you don’t need some of that strength returned.

I do understand that I just need to open my mouth up and say that I need these things but the thing about that is, I don’t know if I can and still just hope that one day, someone will just know that I need these things and just give them to me. I know that life isn’t that easy. I know that I might never meet someone who will just know that I need these things in my life and even those closest to me don’t realize that I might just not be as strong as I appear. Someday, I pray, that someone does those things for me because they care enough and realize that I need it more than I don’t.

I realized a while ago now that life isn’t about quick fixes, one night stands or fast and fleeting friendships. It’s about the times when you’re at your worst. When you’re cowered down in the fetal position and then when you look up and see who’s left. That is when it hits you. Those people that are there when you are at your lowest point, those are the ones that are meant to be the recipients of your love, kindness and blessings. Not the fly by night ones that you find yourself trying to impress because you don’t have to impress the important ones. They’re happy with you just being who you are and nothing more. I think if I look around my life, I can see two maybe three people that are completely content and happy with me, being me at this point right now. That’s not such a great number in a crowd full of “friends” but luckily I’ve spent my weekend with those that do.

I had big plans for April, for no other reason that just because I felt like it was time. I still do but choose not to talk about them because it seems that the moment life figures out I’m happy about something is when things turn to shit. That’s why I don’t talk to anyone about my happy moments as much as I should.

So, I guess, this post finds me indifferent than where I was on my last post. I’m still sad. I still need things that I can’t ask for and I’m still a ball full of secrets but just the fact that I’m not ok with being in this place gives me the strength to get up each day and try to fix myself.

I understand that I NEED to hear the “L-word” but I NEED to hear it from someone that can say it like an arrow piercing my heart. I know that human touch is something that I need too and that sitting in silence with my secrets next to someone else is so much better than sitting in silence alone with my secrets. I just need real, true and honest right now. I hope I get that soon.

Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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Staring Into The Soul… And Thinking of Other Things.

I went out on a date the other day. I haven’t really found the words for it till today but he was nice, cute, sweet and all the other things that someone else said he’d be. We’d met at the restaurant because I’m a control freak and needed that control. I looked nice, well, nicer than usual. I’d curled my hair, went extra sultry on the eyes and sprayed the expensive perfume lightly. First rule, I’d put my phone away. Second rule, I’d not think about anything else during dinner. Third rule, to stop reciting rules in my head.

I already felt a bit uneasy because he was pretty, nice body and good hair. I wasn’t going to show that side though. We already knew what each other looked like so that was just my mind getting the best of me. He asked how my day was. I’d responded with the usual “Fine”. It’s to early to explain the weirdness that my job has to offer me. I returned the question. His response was much more invasive. I noted in his reply that he was nervous. Really? That was interesting to me.

The waiter came over to take our drink orders. My date had asked me if I wanted a mixed drink or wine. I remembered “Mixed drinks make me excited but wine makes me sleep”… So my response was quickly, “Wine, please”. He picked out some red French mess. I remembered that red wine gives my mom migraines and had the thought that if I got a migraine that maybe it was a sign. We continued the standard first date inquiries. The conversation flowed. We had some similar interests, music, movies and a few other things.

In the corner of the restaurant I’d noticed that a friend of my boss’s was on what appeared to be a bad Tinder date. I remembered the time when he’d been given my number and somehow found it appropriate to send me a d*ck pic. I then, quickly, shook my head back to the present and returned to the current conversation. He was telling me about his college experiences. I found it interesting until he mentioned something about his hair and I remembered that I have a hair appointment soon and thought long and hard about going back to blonde for the summer.

“Damn it, Stay in the moment!” I screamed in my head. Then the evening seemed to drag on. I, at one point, remember looking at him directly in the eyes and wondering, “I wonder if he’d just donate his sperm to me?” “We’d just have to have one night of passion and then we’d never have to see each other again.” It was around that time that I was awoken from my day dream by him saying something about, “They’re coming to concert here. Would you like to see them?” I replied with a smile and a maybe because that’s all I could muster after realizing that, No, he’s not the one night stand type of guy. That’s a plus.

I’ll fast forward through all the rest of the monotony. Basically, I remembered this Letter To My Future Husband and I realized that he’s not that person. I’m not sure that anyone I meet in the future is that person. Basically, we had a nice evening. It was pleasant but there were no sparks. I couldn’t wait to get back home to my fortress of solitude. I tried, I really tried but I’m not sure you should HAVE to try that hard.

Then, Friday night came and I had a great time with my boss’s girlfriend and I forgot about the date. Then, Saturday came and I had a great time with THE friend. Then, Sunday came and I had a great time with THE friend again even though he was acting strange. Then Sunday night came and THE friend was leaving and I got sad. I got sad because even in his weird, secretive grumpy cat mood he was still better company than the date. I really am going to be old and grey living with my best friend with a ton of dogs.

I’ve had a strange month already. Not bad but different even tonight was weird. I don’t really know where my head is at. I think it’s somewhere between confused, sad and feeling cheated or maybe that’s my heart. I don’t know anymore. Can I just give up? I think I just give up. I will resign to my fate and leave all this “force-able future” alone. But I can’t say I didn’t try.

The date called and texted. I hate that our society is such a “need an answer right now” kind. What do I tell him? “Sorry you’ve not left enough of an impression to replace the impression of someone else that’s already in my heart.” That seems cold. That’s too cold right? Blah, I can already see that this will be one of those unsurprising weeks that make me want to scream into a pillow or smother myself with it by the end.

…And those are my thoughts. I really planned on writing a whole other something tonight. Not in the mood. Hope you’re having a great week.

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Forgiveness Is Easy… It’s The Forgetting That’s Hard.

Yep, I was so angry yesterday and still am today because as of right now, about 24 hours later, he’s still not remembered that we had plans. Because I’m so emotionally “challenged” sometimes, when I’m really feeling angry, I have to do an emotions check with my BFF. Sounds silly right? Well, I know that being a female and sometimes that coming with hormones makes me a little crazier than normal. So she and I balance each other out.

I sent her an “need an emotional check” texted and explained the situation. First, she did what any best friend would do and that’s to say, “I’m sorry your hurting and upset and I’m sorry that happened. Do you want the bestie answer or the her answer.” Then she’d asked me to explain what happened and exactly how I felt. I told her I felt pissed, disrespected, like I’m not good enough to remember plans with and like our plans are insignificant. Then I told her I’d felt so bad that I think I needed both.

This is the bestie version: “Fuck that guy. I hate that he causes you so many upsetting evenings. Even though there is good with you guys the bad makes me angry for you and I don’t like it!!!***stomps foot*** I wanna punch him!!!”

That is what besties are for. I love her for that but I don’t want her to hate him which is why I barely share the bad things with her and because they are our fights to deal with. So immediately I felt loved but also I felt bad that this gave her a bad opinion of him. Then I felt like defending him but stopped. These are my emotions and I feel like crap right now because of his actions. So then came the “her” answer. This one stung a bit but it wasn’t anything new…

“For a long time I expressed to you that when you don’t share your life wit me it makes me feel like you don’t trust or respect me enough to be vulnerable with me. Like you only share selective things because you want to show me the best version of yourself. This is not reality just how I felt. In contrast, I share most tings with you and if you wanted to hear more I’d probably tell you more. So I felt like I was giving more than I received in that department. But over the years I have learned that you need to come to things in your own time and that this is ok. So I no longer take it personally because I understand that this is you and I love you unconditionally. But that didn’t come without a lot of growing pains on my end. I think the same can be applied with the kid. He is who he is. And he will improve at times like you have in this area. For example, you just texted me to check in on your emotions. This is huge growth from my perspective from where you were years ago. I think he will grow in very small increments. it is all about how much you are willing to compromise yourself to adapt to his ways and it will take major work on your part not to take it personally. If he is truly important to you, all things can be worked through. Especially if you believe he cares.”

That’s the thing, I do love him unconditionally but I’ve never felt that unconditional love returned so everything she said is true and I do want to work on things and it feels like we do work on things. Things get better for a week then it’s something else that’s fucked up. I don’t share things with her that are his cross to bare because it’s not my business to share. Just like I’d never share things with our mutual friend. The things that happen between us are just that, well and you guys here.

Also, I am willing for forgive so much more with him than any other man in my life but I also got the question, “Did you remind him?” My answer is that I am not his mother, wife or girlfriend and therefore I shouldn’t have to remind him but I have to let go of any expectations with him and that includes even the slightest bit of a remembrance. I’ve never wanted to be just a day of the week friend and I want this “ship” of ours to work but for that to happen we BOTH need to put in 50/50. So you see my issue. I’ve still NEVER been explained what this friendship means to him and I need that. Being told that “No, it’s not an ‘in case of emergency’ friendship to me” isn’t good enough. If it’s not making a difference to him in any positive way then it’s not worth the pain I have to go through when things fuck up. It’s just that simple.

But to address my BFF’s response, I’ve know for a long time that my lack of communication is a problem and further down she wrote that it’s a trust and vulnerability issue for us and once we share something from our past with someone that means they’re in the “circle of trust”. It’s hard as hell to get in there but I’d put THE friend in there and I’m not sure he’s ever appreciated that or known just how difficult it is for me to open up about anything, even to my BFF. He knows things that only one other person in my life knows and you have to earn that. Maybe I gave him early access for the wrong reasons but he’s had it.

So there is my crapload of thoughts for tonight. So forgiveness is being worked on and would come a lot fast if he even realized that he forgot me. It would also come a lot fast if he actually admitted that he gave a shit. I do love him unconditionally and I think that I always will. It’s just hard to know if he’ll still be in my life while I feel that for him.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Does anyone else feel something in the air?? There’s something strange going on…

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