This week has been a strange one already. Aside from work driving me crazy, my ex that I work with and I have had to do a bunch of personal stuff for my boss who’s on his millionth vacation this year. At least him being away gives us the power to come and go as we please. That takes away a bit of stress. But next week he’s going to have a shock to the system when we (my ex and I) both go in to his office and demand a difference.
His favorite phrase since this whole new change at the office is “Wait till the smoke clears. Everything will be great.” Problem with this is, not only has the smoke not cleared but it feels like Hiroshima. I even went as far as making a humor t-shirt that depicted the boss drinking a margarita saying everything will be fine on the front while on the back was an actual picture of Hiroshima and the quote “While in the real world” above. We presented it to him before his vacation and instead of understanding our point he just narcissisticlly smiled at the fact that he now had a t-shirt with his photo on it. I really need less narcissistic people in my life.
Aside from that I also had another go in the surgical chair for three and a half hours. That is way to long to be awake at all for something that painful and again against everyone else’s better judgement I drove home afterward. I really shouldn’t have but when I got here THE friend was here making himself at home. That made me feel better except when I thanked him for staying he promptly stated that he really only stayed cause he was lazy and it had nothing to do with me… Yet again proving that my company doesn’t make a difference. That’s one he really could have just lied about.
Today I’d decided I was going to call an old friend to see if he could get me tickets to Guns N Roses this Friday. I’d been planning on going for a while but never got around to getting tickets assuming they’d just fall into my lap if I was meant to go. When I did, I realized I hadn’t talked to him in a while and of course he wanted to “get together”. I told him that wasn’t a good idea because I’m not doing that with just anybody anymore and if that was his caveat then I’d just miss the show. The moment I said no he seemed to have lost all sweetness because he said, “I thought we had a good thing”. (Please read that in a dopey voice). All I could think of saying was, “Are you kidding me? Is getting your rocks off that important to you cause that’s all it was”. However, I didn’t say that at all. I could have also said, “Look you little f*cker! I helped start your business, and did a shitload for you and this is how you repay me.” But I didn’t say that either.
The point is I’m tired of being around selfish, narcissistic assholes that honestly can’t see any other wants or needs than their own. I’m tired of making sure everyone else is taken care of and that everyone else has what they need before I get anything. I’m tired of getting treated as an ATM, a grocery store or a whore. That’s the bottom line. Is anyone else capable of doing something that isn’t somewhat selfish? While it’s possible that I’m in pain, in a mood and hormonal it is also possible that these are the times that I speak the most truth.
My friend, the Shaman, always said to write out what I want in that moment so that the universe hears me. So here is my “want” right now. I want someone to wake up to that sweet, kind and gives a shit about my feelings, my desires and MY wants. I want someone in my life who speaks in honesty, with kind words and who leaves beautiful footprints on my soul and not shoe scuffs on my heart. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have someone actually treat me like a princess for just one evening. I’m not delusional enough to want that every single day but once in a while is deserved.
It seems as though the most honest, loyal and mutual relationship I have is with my ex that I work with. He’s the first boy that I was ever in love with and we have a great relationship. We joke with each other, confide in each other, truth each other and have each others back. We give each other honest but kind advice. There’s fun sexual banter thrown around but it’s harmless and we respect each other. I don’t want anything else from him and vice versa.
Now, if I could duplicate that type of relationship with the comfort I feel with THE friend and find someone who treats me the way I should be treated, then I’d have the perfect boy. The problem is I’ve got all these assholes in the path to finding something better. When I ask for surprises, and hugs and kisses it’s never too much to ask. And it’s also not like I’m out there in the real world obsessed in finding someone but I’m almost at the point where I’d rather be completely alone that feel lonely in others company.
I don’t know who else to phrase the same prayer that I need someone in my life to make me feel something other than shit. I need some sort of a sign that things will get better other than a psychic friend who tells me things that I no longer yearn to hear because it’s all shit. It’s all false hope and I’m done today. I’m aware that if you all had a $1.00 for each time I said I was done then you’d all be rich right now but you have no idea how close I am to this. Life would just be a little sweeter with someone that I can be with that gets to be treated the way that I want to treat them. There’s so much more kindness, love and compassion and fun in me to show the right person.
So, I guess I leave one more prayer tonight: I pray that God show me a sign that there is someone that’s been worth the wait and that there has been a reason why it’s never worked out with anyone else and that it’s not my fault that I passed up some pretty amazing men in my past. I pray that he just bring a man that treats me even better than I think I deserve to be treated.