Waiting… yet again, for something we all deserve.

This week has been a strange one already. Aside from work driving me crazy, my ex that I work with and I have had to do a bunch of personal stuff for my boss who’s on his millionth vacation this year. At least him being away gives us the power to come and go as we please. That takes away a bit of stress. But next week he’s going to have a shock to the system when we (my ex and I) both go in to his office and demand a difference.

His favorite phrase since this whole new change at the office is “Wait till the smoke clears. Everything will be great.” Problem with this is, not only has the smoke not cleared but it feels like Hiroshima. I even went as far as making a humor t-shirt that depicted the boss drinking a margarita saying everything will be fine on the front while on the back was an actual picture of Hiroshima and the quote “While in the real world” above. We presented it to him before his vacation and instead of understanding our point he just narcissisticlly smiled at the fact that he now had a t-shirt with his photo on it. I really need less narcissistic people in my life.

Aside from that I also had another go in the surgical chair for three and a half hours. That is way to long to be awake at all for something that painful and again against everyone else’s better judgement I drove home afterward. I really shouldn’t have but when I got here THE friend was here making himself at home. That made me feel better except when I thanked him for staying he promptly stated that he really only stayed cause he was lazy and it had nothing to do with me… Yet again proving that my company doesn’t make a difference. That’s one he really could have just lied about.

Today I’d decided I was going to call an old friend to see if he could get me tickets to Guns N Roses this Friday. I’d been planning on going for a while but never got around to getting tickets assuming they’d just fall into my lap if I was meant to go. When I did, I realized I hadn’t talked to him in a while and of course he wanted to “get together”. I told him that wasn’t a good idea because I’m not doing that with just anybody anymore and if that was his caveat then I’d just miss the show. The moment I said no he seemed to have lost all sweetness because he said, “I thought we had a good thing”. (Please read that in a dopey voice). All I could think of saying was, “Are you kidding me? Is getting your rocks off that important to you cause that’s all it was”. However, I didn’t say that at all. I could have also said, “Look you little f*cker! I helped start your business, and did a shitload for you and this is how you repay me.” But I didn’t say that either.

The point is I’m tired of being around selfish, narcissistic assholes that honestly can’t see any other wants or needs than their own. I’m tired of making sure everyone else is taken care of and that everyone else has what they need before I get anything. I’m tired of getting treated as an ATM, a grocery store or a whore. That’s the bottom line. Is anyone else capable of doing something that isn’t somewhat selfish? While it’s possible that I’m in pain, in a mood and hormonal it is also possible that these are the times that I speak the most truth.

My friend, the Shaman, always said to write out what I want in that moment so that the universe hears me. So here is my “want” right now. I want someone to wake up to that sweet, kind and gives a shit about my feelings, my desires and MY wants. I want someone in my life who speaks in honesty, with kind words and who leaves beautiful footprints on my soul and not shoe scuffs on my heart. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have someone actually treat me like a princess for just one evening. I’m not delusional enough to want that every single day but once in a while is deserved.

It seems as though the most honest, loyal and mutual relationship I have is with my ex that I work with. He’s the first boy that I was ever in love with and we have a great relationship. We joke with each other, confide in each other, truth each other and have each others back. We give each other honest but kind advice. There’s fun sexual banter thrown around but it’s harmless and we respect each other. I don’t want anything else from him and vice versa.

Now, if I could duplicate that type of relationship with the comfort I feel with THE friend and find someone who treats me the way I should be treated, then I’d have the perfect boy. The problem is I’ve got all these assholes in the path to finding something better. When I ask for surprises, and hugs and kisses it’s never too much to ask. And it’s also not like I’m out there in the real world obsessed in finding someone but I’m almost at the point where I’d rather be completely alone that feel lonely in others company.

I don’t know who else to phrase the same prayer that I need someone in my life to make me feel something other than shit. I need some sort of a sign that things will get better other than a psychic friend who tells me things that I no longer yearn to hear because it’s all shit. It’s all false hope and I’m done today. I’m aware that if you all had a $1.00 for each time I said I was done then you’d all be rich right now but you have no idea how close I am to this. Life would just be a little sweeter with someone that I can be with that gets to be treated the way that I want to treat them. There’s so much more kindness, love and compassion and fun in me to show the right person.

So, I guess I leave one more prayer tonight: I pray that God show me a sign that there is someone that’s been worth the wait and that there has been a reason why it’s never worked out with anyone else and that it’s not my fault that I passed up some pretty amazing men in my past. I pray that he just bring a man that treats me even better than I think I deserve to be treated.

And that’s all folks, for tonight.
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There are two kinds of women in this world…

So this whole new world order at work isn’t really working out for anyone except my boss right now. He seems to be the one taking all the vacations, time off and coming in late. The remaining two of us, myself and my ex, that still work there are about to form a cou d’eta. But that all has me stressed out.

When I get this stressed I like to confide in my shaman friend (the psychic) because she always has wise words for me and we are friends plus it’s fun to play with her daughters. The last time we saw each other she’d asked how my love life was going. That’s her code for asking about “someone” not really my whole love life. I just kind of gave her a run down of the interested parties, which didn’t include the one she wanted it to. I think she was a bit sad. Not my fault HE’S not interested.

But as I was explaining about the few guys that were, I’d told her about the mechanic. She asked if he was a potential and so I let her read his texts. They basically started off nice but toward the end he was basically asking if I wanted to be FWB’s (friends with benefits). You see, a while back now (and I think I deleted it) but I’d written a post about how I came to have the name of this blog. Since it was either way too long ago or I deleted then I’ll tell the story again…

When I was young, like 12-14ish my parents owned video stores and in those stores they had regular blockbuster movies but they also had these tiny rooms in the back for the non-Disney lovers… Yes, I mean porn. All that was freely available in my home growing up. My parents never had “the talk” with my brother or I (Thank God!) about the birds and the bees but there was more than enough wrong education there anyway. Among these were some very close to X rated movies, basically called “soft-core” porn and I started to watch Red Shoe Diaries which made me interested in the director Zalman King which led me to Wild Orchid. This finally led me to Wild Orchid 2.

I will say this, I’ve watched that same movie recently and it will probably NEVER be as great as the first time but it stuck with me. The main star was this girl named Blue who was a whore. She’s sitting in the living room with a bunch of other women, also in the same profession, and one of them says, “There’s girls you marry and girls you fuck… Never the two shall meet”. Because of situations that I was put in I’d never felt like the girl you marry. I’d always felt the other. It wasn’t a pleasant place to find yourself in. Especially since it’s so far from the truth about me.

While I’ve dated a lot of men, the list of sexual partners is so much less than you could imagine. It bothered me for a long time when I’d meet a guy and all he wanted was sex or he was super nice until he’d realize that I wasn’t about to sleep with him. Most times we’d just turn into friends but it was always in the back of my mind. I even think for a while, in my 20’s I’d just resorted to feel as though I wouldn’t be the one thought of as a wife… Until I was. Then it kept happening and something in me realized that, “Hell yeah! I am good at this if I wanted to be”. Obviously the problem with that is that I never wanted to be wife material to the ones that wanted that.

But moving on back to my friend. When she was done reading the texts she’d said, “Okay, so I need you to do an exercise for me. I need you to write out on a sheet of paper the things you want in a husband or the traits you want to see in someone you’re dating”. Diligently, Friday night, I came late and decided I was in the right frame of mind to write this list. Of course you get to read it and here it is…

Kind, loving, strong yet vulnerable, fun, pampering, caring, religious, honest, looks out for me, asks me how my day was, is generous with words and emotions, spontaneous, thoughtful, passionate, likes to cuddle, is a good hugger and kisser, leaves sweet notes, takes care of me, sings, dances, notices the small things, surprises me, cries in front of me, tells me things that he’s not told anyone, someone who is straight-forward with their thoughts and feelings, shares his day freely, respectful, compassionate, likes music, imperfect, grateful… a beautiful soul.

No where in there was rich, handsome or perfect. I don’t need someone to financially take care of me, I’ve been doing that my whole life. I need someone to look out for my best interests. I want someone who will notice the little things that I do without me having to point them out. That list was actually a whole lot bigger than that but those are the important things.

I then gave her my list later in the weekend and she did some sort of prayer and blessing with an amethyst that she gave me and it’s supposed to bring this person to me, or in my life or something like that. What happened after that though was something unexpected. I finally just gave in to it all. I relaxed and I ended up having a nice weekend AND let loose a bit and became more… myself. I wasn’t this freakishly wound up girl who has all these expectations and it’s as if I really didn’t care anymore. Not that I didn’t “CARE” but more that I was just in the moment and not waiting for a moment to happen.

I get that all sounds strange but I really did just let go. It was a cathartic experience and one that I hope carries on. I just don’t want to be waiting for something to come along, something better, something more than what that exact moment has to offer. Because of all that I really did have a good weekend. If iPhones could capture a moment and not picture then I’d keep that feeling for future reference. But since it doesn’t I have a memory and a few photos that I will use to commemorate the better way of doing things right now. I can be happy with that and if a man chooses to show up, when I least expect it, and marks off most of those items then I’ll be happy and grateful to my shaman friend, or the universe.

So, my lesson for you today is to put your phones down, stop what you’re doing and appreciate the moment that you’re in right now. Appreciate the people that are in that moment with you. Just, pay attention to your life. It’s happening right now, right here, right in front of you.

I hope you all had a nice weekend as well. Enjoy your moments. To commemorate my weekend moments I leave one of my favorite things… Fireworks. I might not have had any fireworks lately but I will rejoice when the sparks fly.

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A Wish and a Prayer…

I’ve felt no urgency to write for a few days except when my emotions had gotten the best of me. I am human and therefore am prone to mistakes and flaws. Some days I’d say my one true flaw was falling in love with a boy that couldn’t love himself. On those days I’ve assumed that my love was enough to mend him and me. On most any day I could go through and choose 10,000 things that are wrong with us. But as long as there’s one thing that’s right, then it works for me.

I feel like we are a diluted idea of what we could be. We’ve settled into an old married couple sort of relationship which is no wonder why we’re in a rut. I get so emotional at the fact that I can’t see his true emotions. In the same breath though, I realize that mine are mostly covered as well. I suppose this is done for self preservation.

I noticed yesterday that during the day, while at work, I can be the most hardcore bitch and stand my ground and fight for things that I believe in. While these things are not really important in the actual grand picture it’s just who I’ve been. I’ve also been like that in relationships with the vast majority of them failing for me to actually give a fuck. It was always me who was non-caring or mentally or emotionally absent. That’s just the way things were.

I suppose a true sense of maturity or at least of some-what grown up behavior is realizing these things and attempting to be better than them. So, looking back, it shouldn’t be so difficult to better my relationships. However, that might not be the case.

Sitting next to him the other night and feeling like an invisible piece of dust on a shelf made me become passive, quiet and emotional. I found myself doing an emotional check, “How do you feel – invisible, unimportant, forgotten”. “Why do you feel like that – because everyone else in his world seems to be more important to talk to or to joke with.” “Have you brought this issue up – yes, many times”. “Is it possible to change – at this point no.”

So, options became this, 1. Tell him it’s not ok, again. 2. Tell him that if he can’t focus on something other than some social media crap for 90 minutes then maybe he shouldn’t be here. 3. Have a huge blow up fight about things where you both might say things that you can’t take back. 4. Go to your room, shut the door and just let him do whatever he wants to do since he isn’t swayed by my presence in any way, shape or form.

I chose the latter. I felt as though I was a prisoner in my own home. Option 1 had already been done. Option 2 scared the crap out of me because it’s his home now too. That’s unfair. Option 3 is never an option for me. I choose to NOT say all the things that just happen to pop into my head out of respect. Option 4… Just seemed the best.

I woke up yesterday and was still angry but sad in the same breath. I was angry because nothing had been resolved and because I knew it wouldn’t be. I was angry that it wouldn’t matter anyway to him what I thought, felt or cared about. I was sad because everything seems like such a finality… He won’t change, this won’t change, I won’t change… Oh wait, but I have.

Carrying on with my day I just knew he’d have been gone from the home when I got there because if, at the very least, he might have just felt uncomfortable. After work I knew that I needed some sort of distraction because no matter how we are in that moment it was always better than an empty apartment. But hours later, I pull in to find his car there and with a slight sigh of relief even though the mood would be unknown at that moment, I walk inside.

The place was dark, blankets and pillows around but no body was entangled in them. I walked to my room to see his blanketed bundled self asleep with absolutely no idea that it was 12 hours after the first slam of the front door in the morning. But instead of being angry or upset I was scared. It scared the shit out of me to know that he was probably in a depressive-sleep coma. My instant reaction was to walk over, sit on the side of the bed and lightly touch his arm, or to hug him, or to just crawl into bed and put my forehead on his and ask him what’s wrong.

I would have put a few of my biggest fears aside. I would have faced the possibility that he would have rejected my care or concern. I would have ignored the possibility that another woman had made him upset. I would have discontinued my anger for his actions the day before to just sit with him and let him talk, cry or just be silent. It didn’t matter.

Then it just became clear… We can’t keep doing this circle. I treat him as though he’s the most important man in my life, which on most days, he is. But that position should actually be reserved for someone who is entirely with me out of choice and NOT out of necessity or lack of options. I would sacrifice things for him that he would never consider sacrificing for me. I would do anything to ensure that he’s ok.

I let the fact that HE doesn’t want to be with me set the tone for way too many things. Knowing that there’s men that actually want to date, marry or just be in my company voluntarily, is actually started to penetrate my insanely hard head. The fact that he can’t even try is finally starting to sting a little less each day as I try to move on.

The truth is that I will, most likely, never be with someone that makes me feel the way he does, without even trying, but then again I realize that the better the good the worst the bad. We seem to be running out of the good lately and it has nothing to do with what he might think it does. I realize that he thinks of himself in such the worst way, using words that I would never describe his as but what I see is completely different. I see a MAN, that has the capacity to love more and to be what, at least, one woman wants entirely but in the same breath she’d (I’d) help him be better every day. The only thing that I’d want in return is to know some truthful, honest, great emotions. I need that articulation. I need to know why… I need to know that it’s not all for nothing.

I am not immune to true emotions and right now they are truly lacking.

… and that is how I’m feeling right now.

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June Challenge Day 14

1. Exercise – Yes.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Go to bed early and write about how you feel the next day. Well, I’m kind of cheating on this one because when I do go to bed early I usually feel like crap the next day and never want to wake up at all. So, I’m going to just assume I already know how this works out.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What sight are you grateful for today? Art from Leonid Afremov, Orchids especially blue one’s (if you find one please send it to me), lightning storms, smiles but true ones not fake smiles. I’m grateful for the sight of my friends, my niece and my paycheck. 🙂

5. 30 Day Challenge – Do I have any special talents? I used to play the piano but I’ve forgotten most of it. I’m a very good investigator in all things. I’m good at fixing other peoples problems. I have a special talent of telling people the truth without it sucking too much?…

So I wrote this whole other thing the other day about love and appreciating the lives around you. But the more and more I wrote the more angry I was getting at the state of the world. I’d posted it for about a day then drafted it because it didn’t convey what I wanted it to. I might re-do and post but in a quick summation of what my point was I just want everyone to be kinder and more appreciative of those around them. One day they might not be anymore. Life, situations or destiny has a way of taking things, people, away from us when we least expect it. Don’t take one single day, or person or action for granted. Life is precious. Life is beautiful. Just stop being afraid to do things for someone or to tell them how you feel. We can’t control everything but isn’t it better, at the end of the day, to have said, “At least I tried” and you’ll never regret that part.

This world has saddened me and it almost feels unfair to be happy. Too many people are taken away from us… It doesn’t feel fair right now. But I will paint on a smile and be kind to those around me even when it feels like I can’t breath some days.

Just, be kind to one another. It is always better to have died being loved by many than being a martyr for few. Support humans and stop segregating anyone. That’s my truth tonight. You are loved more than you know.

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June Challenge Day 7

1. Exercise – yes. While working late I had this strange desire to jump up from my chair and run around my boss a few laps but I did not. I did wait till I got home to finish my walk. Still not at a normal pace, a bit slow but that’s ok.

2. Water – yes.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about what makes you truly happy: Happiness… Actually a topic of conversation tonight with my BFF. Some days I feel like nothing will make me happy. Other days everything does. I guess that’s being a woman. But I’ll list a few that come to mind right now:
Having no pants on, at home, makes me happy. I hate pants.

Listening to one of those songs that you’ve not heard in a while. When the song comes on your smile to yourself and maybe close your eyes for a moment or two.

Apparently pancakes make me happy with freshly squeezed orange juice.

Getting someone else to laugh or be happy.

Watching any John Hughes film.

Rereading some of the things I’ve put in the “jarchallenge” makes me happy.

Kissing, especially in the rain, makes me happy.

My BFF makes me happy.

THE friend makes me happy.

Getting a sexy pair of shoes that don’t make my feet hurt makes me happy.

Listening to a child laughing makes me happy.

Thunderstorms, cold nights and warm days both make me happy.

Listening to vinyl or any music.

Going to concerts.

The act of falling in love and still being there makes me happy on a good day.

My Sunday’s make me happy, when THE friend is here or any day that he’s here.

Now that I’ve started I guess I could go on for a while but I won’t.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What memory are you grateful for? There’s actually a lot. I’m grateful for all the times with my BFF, my niece, THE friend. Even on the days that seem to suck, I’m still grateful for all of them. Every memory that I have holds something whether it’s a great memory or something that I need to learn from. I’m grateful for them all.

5. 30 Day Challenge- What do you wear to bed? If I’m alone then usually just a t-shirt but if THE friend, or someone else is here then shorts, pj’s and a t-shirt. Sometimes I’ve woken up the next morning without a sock on but one still on. That’s always interesting. I’ve also woken up without pants on. No, not on a drunken night but I think it’s just a subconscious thing.

Us humans do weird things sometimes. I’m ok with my weirdness. Being quirky is literally a trait of an Aquarius so I’ll just have to find a man that can tolerate it.

What makes you happy? What memories do you cherish?

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June Challenge Day 6

Today has been a day of lots of rest. Feeling bad enough to stay home during a tumultuous time at work is probably a horrible decision and one I’ll pay for during the rest of the week, but it was needed I guess. Not only am I feeling physically bad, it’s also mental or emotional or both. These are the times when having someone by my side to MAKE me tell them what’s wrong would probably be the best thing but I do not.

Some days, I feel like I’m a million miles away with no hope of coming back. Today is one of those days. Part of this came about because of yesterdays “forgive yourself” thing and while I’ve forgiven myself for my ex that passed away I’m just now realizing that I miss that type of relationship. I miss the sweet drunk texts. I miss the random show ups. I miss the cuddling, not that I let him do that much. I miss knowing that I could call up someone at any time and he’d have come over for no real reason what-so-ever. I miss spending money on someone that I call something other than just a friend. I miss the kissing… Oh, I miss the kissing the most, even over the other stuff sometimes. So, I guess I’m just sad right now. Blah, so over “girl brain” right now. So I’ll just jump right into today’s challenges.

1. Exercise – kind of. While I still got a very very slow 30 minutes in today I did not push myself at all.

2. Water – Yes, it’s all I’ve had today.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write about one thing that you feel you are really good at and why? I’m an exceptional problem solver when it comes to everyone else problems but my own. It is so important to me that people in my life have good lives and I try to think of all the ways that can happen. Sometimes it means that I give a bit too much of myself and on most days I don’t mind. These last couple days; however, I’ve been feeling a bit ‘taken for a ride’ and I hope that will pass at some point. All I can do is pray and try to not let other peoples truths bother me.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge – What in nature are you grateful for? When the weather is just right, there are no mosquitoes and I’m feeling stronger there’s a path by my home that I like to walk. There’s a stream next to it (I’m going to call it a stream). There’s flowers and trees and dogs and squirrels. It’s probably one of the most therapeutic walks that I take. So, I guess I like most things about nature. Some days it seems like I can’t be away from my lipstick or my hot iron but I like my walks, camping or hiking. Everything about nature is awesome, so far.

5. 30 Day Challenge – What animal would you love to have as a pet? A dog. I love dogs. They really are a person’s best friend. I’m just not sure I’m ready yet for another pet. As mush as it would probably help me right now, I’m just not home enough and that’s unfair.

That’s as much as I can articulate today. Hope you’re having a great week.

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June Challenge Day 4

1. Exercise – I got an hour and a half today. In such a fun way.

2. Water – Check… Both drinking and all over me from the rain.

3. Love Yourself Challenge – Write down on thing that you need to forgive yourself for and then forgive yourself: It’s kind of funny. As I sit here I’m going through the Rolodex of mistakes that I’ve made in my life and there’s a lot of things that I need to forgive myself for. I’m weighing each one to see which has had the most effect on me and which I still think about a lot. Have I hurt someone else from my actions? Have I hurt myself by my actions? Has something stuck with me and maybe changed me in a bad way?

I think the one that I’m going to choose today is my ex, Stephen. He and I dated for three years and he’d fallen in love but I didn’t. He’d asked me to marry him and I’d said no but I’d always been honest with him about my feelings. I’d always thought we were just having fun. After a long breakup which lasted way past THE friend and I becoming friends again he’d tried to get back together a lot. He’d moved a couple times, started a business and went on a family vacation to Spain. One he’d asked me to go on after quite some times of trying to be just friends. While he was away he’d died in a car accident. I’d received a call from him Mom telling me the news.

I’d felt guilty for a long time because there was a great man who’d offered me everything I could need but it was nothing that I wanted, from him. There’s was so much that I felt like I never really wanted from a relationship and it wouldn’t be for years passed that I realized I did with someone else. So, I forgive myself for not loving him back and realize that it’s was all out of my control.

4. 30 Days of Gratitude – What food are you most grateful for? That’s a touch one. I’d probably say steak but I’m not sure. THE friends pancakes might actually make that list of top five now. But also on that list is the steamed artichoke from a local restaurant that my BFF always go to eat at. We have literally driven 30 miles out of our way just to go have the artichoke, a drink and then to a concert.

5. 30 Day Challenge – Who or what can’t you life without and why? My BFF for sure. She’s gotten me through almost every bad thing that’s happened in my life since we met and I hope that I’ve returned that favor as well. We’ve seen each other through boyfriends, breakups, drug addictions, medical problems and we are each others first priority but last resort. She might just be the one person in my life that I can always count on.

I had an amazing dog once that I thought I couldn’t live without. I’d always grown up around big dogs but I didn’t think it’d be fair to have a large dog in an apartment so I went with my old boss to get a dog for her and this little runt chihuahua kept follow me around. I’d always rolled my eyes at those tiny little things assuming they looked like rats and I had no desire to be like any socialite that carried her dog anywhere but he’d just wouldn’t stop following me.

Fast forward an hour and there I am driving back home with him little 3 lb self sitting next to me in my car. I’d named him Cosmo after the drink and instantly fell in love with this little guy. From the moment I’d brought him home though he was proving to be the runt of the litter. He was born with heart issues, eye problems and a luxated patella, in layman’s terms a trick knee. I’d spent thousands of dollars on him and he just kept ticking away.

He was amazing. He’d come to work with me. He’d travel to all the family gatherings and everyone loved him because even grown up he was only 5lbs but he acted like a big dog. He’s sense danger and walk his tiny little body in front of mine and woof like a big dog. He hated whistles, loved pupperoni and tolerated me putting sweaters on him because he was always cold.

After a great nine years I came home and he was going into heart failure. I drove to the emergency clinic and they rushed him in, even with a long line of people, so I knew it was serious. After a moment they took me into their “back room”. That was probably the worst I’ve ever cried. I’d made the decision to put him down without anyone there. It would be days before I’d even tell my BFF or my family that he’d died. My boss didn’t find out until almost six months later.

That’s just one of the many things in my life that I chose to handle emotionally by myself. But after that I realized that people and pets always leave. Some out of choice and some out of death. But after a while I knew that I would be ok without him. Maybe I should act as though I can’t live without more people in my life but history always repeats itself so I try NOT to get too close to anything. Maybe I should forgive myself for that? Maybe I should learn to let someone in. Maybe that should be a challenge I put myself up to.

So this became an emotional post out of accident and I didn’t even get to talk about my day. I hope you are all having a great weekend though. Learn from my mistakes. Tell someone that you’re close to that you love them, and maybe that they make your life better. It might be just what they need to hear today.

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