Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.

holiday-candy-canes

peace-and-love-holiday-card_cd7187_z

Advertisements

Happy Halloween… with my rambling.

First, Happy Halloween. There was no party tonight only dinner out with friends. Halloween on a Monday kinda stinks. Not sure I would have been in the partying mood anyway. I think I’ve just had some sort of emotional hungover kind of day.

Luckily, I was the only one at work so I came and went as I pleased while listen to my music very loud. I feel like there was an appropriate mix of Rage Against the Machine and Social Distortion that I got to listen out my anger a bit. Music is my saving grace and my happy place. That’s probably why I’m not sure I want to make the new guy part of that just yet.

But speaking of the new guy, since I was at work alone today we talked on the phone for a while. He’s still in California and his stay just got extended for another week because of some crisis as his company. He told me all about it but my attention span was about 15 seconds which is longer than usual but not long enough to actually retain what he’d said.

I feel like the moment I said, in my head, “Okay, lets do this thing” with the new guy something happens so that we can’t get there. It would be different if there was another option and then the signs would make sense but there’s not so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I think I might have just found out that he doesn’t really want kids. It’s possible that if that is the case then it might not be a deal breaker but really?

This is what fate does to me… Give me a sexy, nice, smart guy with a hairless chest but he doesn’t want kids. Or give me someone that I can truly love completely and he doesn’t love me at all… You can understand why I get angry a lot about fate or at fate. Or I find a guy who likes kids but doesn’t really enjoy music. I really can’t win EVER! So, instead of a boyfriend, a kid or a dog… Right now I have a tiny little plant named blue.

So basically from this point on forward for the next two months it’s “holiday season”. I’m not so much a grinch as I am someone who just thinks that the whole point of the season is lost now. Not to mention that it’s usually done best with big families and I don’t have that.

I remember growing up I always wanted a big family that I could spend the holidays with but it was always just four of us. As we grew older it became the four of us and my brother and my closest friends. So I don’t have any family close to me, well 2 hour drive I guess is close but when our holiday comes it’s usually my drive to someone’s house to stay as little as I possibly can so I can be back home with my friends. Truth is it sucks that everyone’s coupled. So I just feel like I should be sitting at the kids table. It sucks to be single during the holidays…

I guess that’s my point which is another reason why I’m not so keen on starting something with the new guy. I’ve only ever asked one person if they’d like to come with me during my holiday chaos and that was… wait for it… THE friend and of course he said no but I was asking as a friend and nothing more. As I said our family’s holidays have always had our friends included and my brother likes him. He thinks he’s a good guy and wanted to hang out with him. What stupid ideas I have.

Well, I’ve got a little bit of time left for some cardio and then I’m off to bed. I’m going to leave you with my favorite Halloween song though… Enjoy.

Holiday Dreams and New Years Wishes…

Last night I had a dream. I was sitting on the floor next to a fireplace and I was wrapping my In-laws gifts. My other half was sitting on the couch halfway watching TV and we were making jokes, laughing and sharing stories of our past Christmases. This is weird to me because I’ve never done that with any man I’ve dated. I, kind of, made it a point to check out a few days before the holidays so I wouldn’t have to deal with the holiday as a couple. Ironic, since this years it’s all that’s been on my mind.

I spent the evening packing, cleaning up a bit and doing a mental inventory of what I needed to remember tomorrow. I was taking care to wrap my skin care and makeup so it doesn’t leak everywhere and being bombarded with texts. Everyone with the question, “Hey, what are you doing? Do you have time to get together?” I guess I needed some alone time. But I’ll have plenty to do when I get back.

I’ve been inundated with “peaceful and meditative” gifts. Lots of art items, coloring books & pencils, essential oils and a diffuser, book and other things. In theory, when I get back, I have all the elements to be a zen master. We shall see. I’ve got the board games, the Christmas coffee cake and a few surprise items that I ONLY have because I will be entertaining my niece. That, I am happy about.

I realized that this will be the first year in a couple that I won’t have a surprise guest at my home upon my return. I kind of thought that might have become some sort of a tradition. I suppose that wish has expired. I wish I could say that something more substantial and more meaningful has replaced that but it has not. This is the time of year to make amends, to be thankful or to right the wrongs but all I can do is just state that I miss what I’ve had for the last two years and it’s hard to not have it this year. Again, this must be where “Everything happens, happens for a reason”. Sometimes I want to throat-punch the person who came up with that phrase, other times I just nod my head and say, “Yep, of course it does”.

I will say that I am still in the holiday spirit, even though it might not sound like it. I have my Snoopy and Elf Christmas shirts packed with my red chuck all stars. I have all things ready to be moved into my car and hopefully a decent start off in the morning. Before I leave though I wanted to say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you all. I wanted to thank you for reading these weird, boring, sometimes comical parts of my life.

I hope that you are all surrounded by loved ones, happy and content. Be grateful for what you have, right now, today. One day it might not be there and you’ll wish it was taken care of better. Hugs to you all (and I’m not even a hugger). More later. Good night.

funny-christmas-cards-vqszk7pg

funny-christmas-cartoon-pictures-agqzoxrd

Funny-Christmas-Joke-092

funny-christmas-pictures-26

Funny-Christmas-Quote-051

Finally time to rest, for a minute or two.

I’ve officially finished shopping, wrapping and buying anything for a while. I’m so happy to be done with it all. I like to buy things but I’m not a fan of the whole shopping experience especially when there’s so much retail bitchiness out there. I’ve witness two fights over parking spots, tug of war over the last item on a shelf and people stealing. Since when was all that supposed to be in the Christmas spirit? I think next year I’ll suggest that we all just send each other photos of the things that we WOULD buy for each other and then share a phone call or two instead. It’s not that I’m not in the spirit this year, actually I am more than the last several. I’ve “Olaf’ed from Frozen” my nails for my niece. I’m bringing games and I will cook something.

Speaking of games, I broken down and purchases Cards Against Humanity and have to say that while playing this today, I almost peed twice. It’s absolutely a game that I got into but I’m a pretty competitive person so I can get into anything as long as there is a winner. I’ll be off soon on my three day, two night excursion and the one thing I can say is that with all the crap I have to pack and take with me, I miss my old car a bit however, my new one has total new energy in it so it’s an even trade for less trunk space.

I’ve already been given a few things like makeup, jewelry, cash and oils but there’s still things that I really, really want that no one knows about. I still need my dished done, my laundry done and my home a bit cleaner. Those are the things that I would tell Santa to bring me if he could. I might even skip the request for a husband if I could get a housekeeper instead. Okay, that’s not true but if he could bring me one that cleaners, cooked and massaged my very soar shoulders that would be the best gift ever.

I digress. I went to a friends house earlier and her little girl was upset and crying. I think she’s four. Right before I left she handed me this yellow gemstone, out of no where. I found it appropriate since the gemstones means the following, “Clarity for decision making, relief from burnout, panic nervousness, exhaustion, protection from lethargy and depression during dull weather.” I think it’s probably something that we could all use around this time of year but I do have to say that I’m pretty bummed that it won’t be snowing this year or even coming close. Alright, I don’t ever actually expect it to snow here but I would like weather that warrants gloves, boots and thick sweaters and not shorts and t-shirts. If I wanted a warm winter, I’d go vacation on an island somewhere with my Christmas cash. Saying that above makes me feel guilty that I never made it to Goodwill or somewhere to donate my overflowing garbage bags full of donations. I had every intent to do that before I left. That will be first on my to-do list when I get back.

So on to traditions. My family used to have this crazy tradition where we’d open each gift separately from stocking to tree. It would take hours. Once, we were doing it till 3 in the morning. Friends would come over throughout the day and just sit back and watch what we’d do and in normal British tradition we’d have mini-breaks to smoke, refill drinks or eat sausage rolls or minced pies (gross). Then, my brother married into a family that was a lot different than that and for years we’ve had a combined Christmas where we eat at my brother’s mother-in-laws house on the eve then on Christmas day would either be at my parents or brothers. Now it’s at my brothers since his house is huge and everyone opens one gift separately and the rest you just tear open. Our tradition was tedious but they’re is hectic. I’m sure somewhere in between is a compromise.

That’s something that I say a lot. I like the idea of a tradition. My parents, brother and I still have a few British traditions like crackers, brandy butter (yum) and cheese and port afterward but I’d like to start my own with my own family. I guess I have one and that’s with my BFF. She and I usually have our Christmas the day after on Boxing day. That’s about it though. I like things that I have that are just mine and one other. I like the idea that there’s some sort of structure or routine that’s just ours. I like tradition, what can I say…

There is one little gift that I’m super excited about though. It’s one for just my brother and I. I bought a snowball shooter, or two of them for us to play shoot each other with, with extra snowballs. Yep, there’s a lot about me that’s still a kid. I don’t ever want to lose that child-like quality about myself. Whether it’s snowball fights, water gun fights or just being a bit silly I want to have all those things with someone that I can start traditions with too. Is that too much to ask?

Ok, so this diatribe of holiday spirit has gone on way too long. I’m going to finish a bit of clearing up, pray for things that I might never get and sleep. Hope you are all enjoying this time.

6e903f70ccf29ea022569b1c25d6fb67

two-kids-having-snowball-fight-18897591

What’s your normal?

I was having dinner with a friend the other day and we were discussing what the “normal” is. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My two closest female friends have just done something that might be considered abnormal. The first, my BFF, got married to a guy she barely knows. Part of the reason was that she’d known her first husband for a while and that didn’t work out so why not try this (as I said that was only part of the reason). My other friend just had a baby without a father. She went, picked out the frozen pop and months later she’s starring at a bouncing baby boy. Neither of those situations were normal but what is normal these days?

My new mother friend had said after the conversation that I seemed sad and that she didn’t like it and I was to not be sad anymore. Ah, if it was just that easy. BAM, and I’m no longer sad… Well, I’m not sure that’s even the truth. I think I’m just craving normal. Hence the title. I’ve never really and truly had normal but I’d like something that’s real, true and mine that’s not jaded by judgement or ignorance. Does that make sense? I want something that is not out of the ordinary but that’s extraordinary.

It’s alright, I confuse myself a lot as well. After that dinner above, I was having drinks with another friend, a male friend. We hadn’t seen each other in a while but he’d just decided to drive down for the night. We had several conversations about several things. The last time we’d seen each other was last year around this time. He said I seemed much happier last year. By this time I want to scream. “If bad shit would stop happening to me I’d be an eff load happier people!” But I politely told him to go eff off. We laughed about other stupid crap and moved on.

At this point, I’m actually a lot more content than I have been and that’s just because of sheer force. I’ve started to realize that it’s best that I ignore the dreams I have, no matter how vivid they are. I start to realize that people are not going to read my mind and come to my aide no matter how much I scream at them to in my mind. I realize that this, right now, is my now. It’s not next Monday or on the weekend or after the new year. Lastly, I realize that some of the things that I want right now in this very moment may never happen. No matter how badly I now realize that I’ve counted on them happening.

Some of this came about from the dinner with my chick friend. We’d spent last New Years together and we did this thing where we both wrote down a full page of things that we wanted, wanted to change or wanted to fix or forgive. Each of our lists started with this heading…
“Things that we want, wish for and hope for. Things that we’d like to change and things that will make us better in 2015.”
First on her list was have a baby.
First on my list was have a mutually loving relationship.
If this was a contest she’d have won and I tried. I dated. I had no idea he’d turn into a psycho ex. Twice.

I just burned my list. That’s my romantic fire in my fireplace this year. I’ve burned a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish because with 15 days left of this year, there’s no way I’m checking my list off. I’m not sad about that. I am great at making lists thought and usually I’m great at checking everything off my list but that was not one that has worked for me at all.

To be fair to myself, some of that list did get checked off. It just might have been wasted on the wrong person that didn’t care that I made those changes which is probably why you should never change for anyone but yourself. He never asked me to either so it’s not his fault. There’s no blame on him nor me. It’s all still a learning curve or curse, whichever.

I’m not sure if I’ll make a new list this year or just surprise myself. I don’t know if I want any type of expectation going into a new year. Right now, it sounds like too much pressure. I’m stressed enough, including having to attend a music festival this weekend, all weekend. Being that the low is around 39 I’m sure that I’ll slip away at some point because hanging out with New Order and Kendrick Lamar in the (almost) freezing cold, isn’t my idea of fun. Heck, I don’t even know what I’m doing an hour from now, plans change so much.

So I guess right now I’m somewhere better than sad but not close enough to happy as I’d like to be. Introspective a bit and curious why things happen the way they do. That’s all. If this mood continues you’ll find me under the covers by midnight on New Years day and not in a good way.

That’s my reality right now. Hope you’re closer to happy than me.

14834

quote-the-only-difference-between-a-happy-ending-and-a-sad-ending-is-where-you-decide-the-andrew-kaufman-43-81-63

Missing things and feeling like a kid…

My neighbors that just moved in next door are so cute. They argue like siblings but they are obviously completely in love with each other. Their relationship makes me miss that type of relationships. The one where you can argue, wrestle, scream and then laugh and hug and kiss. It’s been way too long since I’ve had a fun, bonding relationship like that. That makes me miss it way too much. They are enviably too cute. I can almost not remember the days when I had fun like that. Most of the men I’ve been around and dated just wouldn’t understand that type of “thing”. Obviously I’ve spent too much time with the wrong ones.

I’ve put myself on a sabbatical again to try to get away from the negative crap and that comes from others. The men and their need to dominate in all things and chase dreams of money and power is just something I’m not into and find so terribly unappealing. If I have to have another dinner with someone talking about their stocks and 3rd quarter earnings I’m going to just go throat punch them all. I’m also so tired of trying to have a discussion about good music and then they bring up something so mainstream you assume that the first song that plays on their music playlist is Adele’s Hello. It’s a great song but come on people there’s so much more music out there and if I hear that song one more time I’m going to just scream. When someone says they’re a “music lover” or their library must have something other than top 40, the Weeknd and Adele… Just staying an annoyance here. But moving on…

I’m not really sure what I’m going to replace that time with, since it was a lot of my free time but something healthy. Obviously travel is in the near future for the holidays but I really do want just one weekend to be free, a kid again and my craving for unpredictability is overwhelming. I’m a slave to routine but am needing to have something shock me. People don’t shock me, especially men. Sometimes, on these dates, I felt like I could have been one of those pull string toys that have about 10 preset responses. Pull my string and any one of my replies would be acceptable because NOTHING shocks me anymore.

That’s why it’s nice to have a carefree, feeling like a kid again weekend. Al though it seems like every time I’m around my family, which is a lot lately, I resort back to this teenager. I’m the youngest one there who’s still single and I feel like everyone has to check to make sure I’m eating properly, if my school work is getting done or if I need a few extra bucks allowance. I almost want to eat at the kids table during the holidays just so it feels right.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate it all but it’s a contrast of not having much of a childhood and now feeling like I’ve never left it. Strange place to be and even harder to explain. I’m pretty sure that if I’m not in some sort of a relationship where I don’t mind bringing my date to the family next year, I’m going to just take a two month cruise or trip somewhere else instead.

That’s a strange thought. I’ve never actually taken anyone to my holidays, not intentionally anyway. There’s only one guy I would have ever brought and I think I asked him once but other than that my family never usually gets to meet my dates. That’s not true, they usually get to meet them accidentally. That’s a whole other story but for another night.

I’ve actually completed my adult tasks for the day, dishes, work and I’ll be finishing up my exercise soon then it’s meditation and some sort of TV that will be on in the background as I play around on my computer not paying any attention to it what-so-ever. I don’t actually remember the last thing I watched and actually paid attention to.

It was an early post for me tonight in hopes of doing something predictably important later. Hope you’re all having a wonderful week.

quote-without-music-to-decorate-it-time-is-just-a-bunch-of-boring-production-deadlines-or-dates-by-which-frank-zappa-204133

quote-it-s-like-being-at-the-kids-table-at-thanksgiving-you-can-put-your-elbows-on-it-you-don-t-have-john-hughes-88890

Creativity is a miss… and time passing by.

Lately, I’ve lost my muse. I have no capacity for any creativity what-so-ever. I used to be good at this, at things. Painting, writing, poetry was all my go to for enjoyment. But lately, it seems that all I can do is start to color in my adult coloring books with no interest in finishing. I’m not really sure where it’s all gone.

I suppose I get in a bit of a funk after seeing my little niece because I don’t get to see much of her growing up as I’d like to. It seems with each passing moment she’s a bit bigger. It makes you think about time a bit and how it’s taken for granted. How many times have you said these things…?

I’ll call them tomorrow.
I’ll just see them this weekend.
I’ll start next week.
I’ll take care of that later.

With as many people passing away in my life as they did this year, you start to realize that we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. Heck, we’re not even guaranteed the moment that’s beyond this moment right now. I know it sounds morbid but the truth is, this is suppose to help us live our lives each moment to moment. Don’t wait for an hour, a day, a week or when something else happens. Do what you need to and what you want to now.

The Lord knows that I am guilty of doing all those above. I’ve waited and I don’t know what for. If I feel sad or depressed at that very moment I try to ask myself, “What is wrong is this very moment?” Most of the time my answer is nothing so I try to change my outlook. It doesn’t always work but I try.

No, this doesn’t make me want to reconnect to any of my exes or go back in time and change anything but it just makes you think that there’s not much of a point in waiting for things to happen. If I feel like going to get ice cream on a chilly day or drive to another town to watch a movie or just drive around aimlessly and sing to GNR then I’m doing it or at least I’ll try to do it.

But in the interim of all this, I’m still looking for my muse, my creative flair that I’ve lost along the way. If it happens to be tied to my dreams then I suppose it’ll be back soon as my dreams have come back to me. I’d lost those for a while as well. I wasn’t really sad about them leaving for a while as they were telling me things that aren’t true. My dreams were lying to me. That didn’t seem fair at all. Now, they’re back and they’re starting from where they left off. I’d say I’m sad that they’re back but I’m not. They are a bit of colorful entertainment that I’ve been missing for a while now.

I’ll be seeing my little niece soon enough and that’ll be fun. There’s nothing better than a tiny adult child to make you want to live life a bit more and enjoy it. It’s an envious thing when you realize that she gets to relive all her first that you did. I wouldn’t change any of my firsts. They are mine to own alone.

I didn’t stay grounded at all this weekend and I’m ok with that. I probably should have turned my phone off but I didn’t and the enticement outings was beckoning too loudly. Even with all the outings my life is still pretty dull, to my standards anyway. There’s nothing enticing or entertaining for me right now. I’m not sure I mind the bland but I do miss things, a lot of things.

The next thing on my calendar of Christmas events is my wrapping tradition. I like to get into my festive PJ’s, watch Christmas movies and wrap all the gifts. It’s better to do it with someone else but I’ll be ok if it’s just me this year. It’s a sad time of year to not be coupled but if this is the way it’s supposed to be right now then I’ll just have to make the best of it.

Hope you’re all having a great week so far.

IMG_4141