Something wicked this way comes…

This weekend has seriously been strange. The “I’m not ok with this” strange. A sort of “Something wicked this way comes” strange. I can’t really even describe things better than than though. Instances, occurrences and events have put me in a strange mood.

After a bit to drink last night and an enjoyable evening I came home late and wrote. I wrote first on paper so I could get it all out and it really did just keep coming all out. Then I formulated a better plan and rewrote on the computer and almost hit send… What was this life changing letter that I was writing? Well, it was my “break-up” letter to THE friend.

It occurred to me while I’m in the middle of this heartfelt, crushing, emotional letter basically saying all the things I’ve ever wanted to say but didn’t know how, I was literally ONLY writing this for an audience of one. Me. The more and more I wrote this the more and more I got angry because I realized that if he ever actually cared, I’d never have to write this. If he’d ever actually cared I’d never felt as shitty as I did in that very moment. If he ever actually cared I wouldn’t have felt like it was his favorite past time to rip out my heart whenever he could.

That’s all giving him a lot of power and I understand that it was too much responsibility. He can’t take care of himself so asking for him to take care of my heart was way too much. You know once, when I told him that I still had feelings for him his reply was, “I feel betrayed. I thought you’d taken care of that shit.” I should have know then that I couldn’t have given my heart to someone any less deserving of it.

There has always been over a thousand reasons why hanging around in this “friendship” was a terrible idea but I was so sure that WE were meant for more than we ever actually were. I’ve allowed this guy to steal my happiness when we were never really friends. Do you know how sad that is?

Things have gotten just so bad in my mind that there’s nothing to be done. I am miserable when he’s not here but I’m even more miserable when he is because he could care less that I’m the one he’s with in that moment. He’ll never treat this friendship or me even close to the way it should be. Lastly, whatever joy this relationship ever brought to me died along time ago.

I realized just how much happier I am in other circles and just how much my true self shines around others. I’m the life of the party. I’m enjoying every moment with others. I’m not questioning “why” they’re there. I’m not worried that as soon as they get something they need or want then they’re gone. I’m not worried around everyone else. My heart isn’t breaking around everyone else. I’m not left feeling like an invisible piece of shit with anyone else.

I tried to remember last night the last time I felt good about “us”. It was over three years ago. That’s way too long. Then, I tried to remember what or when it was that things changed. I can’t even point that out anymore but what did come to mind was all these moments in this “shitty movie montage” of all the times when I ended up crying or angry or just plain feeling like shit about “us” or myself or the evening or whatever.

This is the first time that I’m realizing that these roadblocks that are between us will never move, in fact, they’ll only get worse. It’s not fixable anymore and I don’t actually think that I want to fix things. I don’t think there’s enough superglue in this entire world that will fix all our broken bits together.

I don’t remember when I stopped being a strong independent woman when it came to him but when that did happen is when I should have realized that a boy should fan the flames of an independent woman and not stomp them out.

I am officially done with feeling sad or angry about something that I put so much into. I know that’s been said before but there’s been a real change. Trust me. The second job interview. The other friend and some words of wisdom from other friends have just made me realize that by attaching myself to lost causes, I’m bringing myself down and miserable. Just to be clear I do not think that HE is a lost cause, I think that WE are a lost cause.

So after all that thought went into the breakup letter and I was just about to hit send so that it slips out of my mind and into the universe to end up in his email only to be ignore as he does so many other things for week. I realized that on the off chance he did read it I didn’t want him to have a crappy weekend because of that…. WOW. I’m awesome. Course then I realized that, again, he’d still never see things through my eyes. He’d pull some bullshit and send me some angry vindictive text messages about how I suck and how everything is really my fault somehow.

None of any of that matters now. I’ve been immune to his “charm” this entire time and have only been running off some emotions that our combined energy brought into this world that others felt as well in the beginning. That was enough to bring me this far but has now finally reached empty. I told you that my weekend has been strange.

I suppose I’ll keep you all informed as to what I end up doing but by typical calculations I maybe or may not hear from him in a week or two, possible three. By then, maybe I’ll have figured out the best way to have the most need finale ever. It sucks that the most needed things to do in the world are also the hardest but I suppose those are the adult things we all have to do at some point. I just wished I wasn’t the only one that is going to hurt like hell.

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Synchronicity and secrets…

My weekend was good. It was really good. First, I didn’t stayed locked in my home as expected. I ventured out quite a bit. I saw the new guy a couple times and we had a lot of fun. There was no x-rated fun, yet but I’m looking forward to the anticipation. And seriously I’ve been on a self induced sexual hiatus for so long even if it’s bad, it’s going to be good.

I’ve talked about this before as well but being someone who’s been in situations that weren’t my fault makes it extremely hard to trust someone enough to have sex with them. I don’t know this new guy enough yet but we’re learning from each other. One thing that those close to me are is synchronized. It’s like, you get up in the morning and go to the kitchen and one goes for the bowls and the other gets the cereal. Then swap and one goes for the milk and the other gets the spoons without a word. I find that I have that with really close people in my life. Mainly my BFF, GBF and my friend I just went into business with. It’s a good feeling when you’re that close that you know what each other is thinking.

Like I said, the new guy and I are no where near that yet and I think if we were I’d probably be a bit scared since it’s not been that long. I’m ok with slow and steady wins the race though. Each time we talk or hang out I find out something new to like about him. One thing he did that I appreciated was he kept a promise. I made him promise that if I ever did anything that he didn’t like or wasn’t sure about then to bring it up. We’d discuss it and if I understood where he was coming from I’d agree to change it.

His issue wasn’t what was sweet about it though. We were in his car, just parked and he turned to me, lighting sandwiches my cheeks in his hands and said, “Babe, you asked me to bring things up that bother me. I’m about to do that, ok?” I lightly nodded my head and he said that he was bothered that he was always the one to reach out to me and he wished that I reached out to him because other wise he just feels like he’s bothering me.

Okay, so obviously I’ve heard this before. In fact, the two most succinct people in my life say it all the time, my BFF and my GBF so I’m aware that this is an issue. But this is going to take some training on my part. I’ve also had some ex’s say the same thing but I didn’t really care about it then because I knew things weren’t going to last. This time around though I want to fix it. Baby steps though… That’s all we’re looking for right now.

The next part is tricky. Because of my failure to communicate it leaves a lot of secrets in my closet. I’ve explained that there’s only two people in my life who know as much as they do about me. One is my BFF and I’ve never regretted telling her a thing. The other, is THE friend who never cared that he was trusted with my secrets so all those are regrets that I told him any of them. But the latter being what it is it makes me wary to open up again about some of that stuff. It was probably the most painful things that I trusted him with and he made me regret it so I’m really not wanting history to repeat itself BUT in the same breath I want to be open.

This is a weird predicament that I’m in right now. I feel something new for this new guy but it’s too soon to tell what that is yet and we don’t have history. We don’t have stories or anecdotes yet… It’s exciting to get to know someone on a deeper level but it’s also pretty terrifying too.

I guess I’m still in my juvenile learning curve but thankfully I’m further on than I was before. Maybe what I had with THE friend was what I needed but with training wheels and now I’ve found someone that doesn’t come with training wheels and that actually cares to learn about me, spend time with me finding things out about me and getting to a point where anything with THE friend doesn’t hurt anymore.

I’ve said before that most relationships except the really special ones have an expiration date of three years for me. Well, as much as it seems like THE friend and I have been doing our weird dance for much longer it’s about to be three years. Being able to know when he’ll cancel or why he’ll cancel only proves that I know much more about him than he’s ever know about me. I have definitely reached a point where I’m done with all the crap that we BOTH have given to each other. I’m done being the loneliest person in the world sitting right next to him. I’m done with the, “something way better came up so even though you keep our ‘dates’ I’m going to cancel on you again”. I’m done with being able to predict the bad and it always coming true.

Maybe if we make it passed the three year hump then I’ll calm down a bit but history does tend to repeat itself. I’m sure it’s about time that he tries to replace our friendship with some other woman soon. Talk about losing that lovin’ feeling. I guess my song lyrics have finally caught up with his.

Ask me on a good day if I wished things were so different with us and I’d say, “Hell yes”. Ask me on the same good day that if I had the chance to start over with THE friend my answer would also be the same. Ask me on a really really good day if I’d like the new guy and THE friend to switch positions and on a great day, I’d say absolutely but he and I haven’t shared a great, really good or even just a good day together in such a long time I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Today was a strange day on all fronts and I’m exhausted and a little school girl happy. Can’t rewrite history nor change your future or your expectations…. That’s all I know tonight.

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When parts of your life get deleted…

I came home tonight to find out that my TV service had some repair issues and my DVR was wiped out. Which strangely I don’t really care much about. But it was probably six months of crap on there. Some TV shows that I really wanted to watch but then thought, it’s only TV. Who gives a shit? This is true unless you’re someone who is going through a rough time and nothing that anyone suggests to do outside of your home feels like fun. It’s a go-to… It’s a way to stop thinking about your own troubles and think about someone else’s for a while.

The strange things you think about while watching live TV commercials right?

Here’s another piece of my history that I also thought of today which was symbolic of my DVR. I have no recollection of the entire early part of my life. I don’t remember my time in England. I don’t remember when we move here and I don’t remember much from being a young child. I tried to get hypnotized once but that didn’t work. I think that I fought it because I realized that there’s some pretty bad shit that’s happened to me that I can remember. How bad do things have to be to have forced them so far out of my memory?

With that same train of thought though how are you supposed to heal if you only know partially what you’re healing from? I guess it’s my paradox. Would you want to remember? Who you do anything you could to get all those memories back because you’ve blocked out the good with the bad?

I tend to blame a lot of my emotionally challenged self on being British, while in part that’s not the whole story. The truth is, my family has never, is not and will never be great communicators. The only emotion I ever saw growing up was anger and fear and being to young to be able to comprehend why an adult or sibling can be so angry it turned me into someone who doesn’t scream, have confrontations or say hurtful things to people. Because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of anger.

Moving past what I experienced at home, I was actually more raised by people’s parents that I became friends with. I remember when I was around 17 or so my boyfriend and I and another couple were going to the symphony. It was our first time and we’d gotten dressed like rich people with pearls and suits and flowers to start the evening. When my boyfriends Father came in to the living room to take photos of us he reached to my chest. Normally this would have made me freak out a bit, not being that comfortable around father figures and all but he was the first man that I was truly comfortable calling Pa. He was reaching to me to button my blouse and said, “No daughter of mine leaves the house like that”. It was the most comforting moment of a parental figure.

But before and after that there were others that wanted to “take care of me like their own”. I remember one couple that didn’t have kids. They lived across the street from my friend who’s mother was deaf. They had us over to their home a lot to eat dinner and do homework because her mom was always working and I had a latch-key life. They’d seen the bruises, a lot and tried to talk me into turning in whoever was doing it. When you’re a child you don’t want to be the reason that someone gets in trouble so I just stopped going over there.

It’s weird the things you remember at the oddest times. I think now, I try to overcompensate for my childhood. I hate confrontation even more which is why I just shut out the things that I feel any emotion toward. That’s why I have this blog so that I can take my feelings out here. And that’s why I buy things that I probably shouldn’t as gifts. I’ve talked about this before but presents are love. If I can’t say the words then I’ll just buy nice, pretty, shiny things for others. Does it make it any better that I’m completely aware of my behavior and still do it anyway?

I bring that up because my obligatory email to family and friends about “What five things do you want for Christmas” went out this week… And so the shopping begins. It’s early, too early but having to buy for so many makes it easier the earlier I start. Christmas isn’t about what it should be. It should be about wanting to spend time with family and friends. Catching up. Not this commercialized crap it’s become. Now, I basically stay the shortest time possible. Come home and just hibernate which is actually what sounds appealing this weekend already.

I asked for something new and got something new. I asked for a resolution to something old but didn’t get that. I think I would have rather gotten the latter. Don’t get me wrong. The first is still something that’s fun and exciting but I just don’t know how long he can stay shiny and new for me. But for tonight, I’m rebuilding my DVR and reading a weeks worth of emails with no plans in sight… I guess if I don’t do any spectacular it doesn’t matter if I don’t remember it one day.

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Getting rid of the old memories…

What was supposed to happen tonight… A nice date, with someone who’s been asking for a while. I had looked forward to it until I didn’t anymore. I was really going to try but then came another option which was to go to the beach with my GBF and his sister. She was admitted into a psychiatric hospital about a week ago and just got out so he thought it would be a good idea.

I guess I could start there. My GBF’s (Gay Best Friend) sister is a good person. She’s sweet when she wants to be. She very intelligent but like all of us she’s flawed. She has a brain condition that I can’t even pronounce which has her taking pain pills every day. I’ve also spoken about here before because she had a beautiful daughter that was murdered and that murder hasn’t been solved. That’s a whole other blog. But you can see with those things why she’s also depressed and has anxiety. She found herself really not feeling well for a couple days and finally decided to go the hospital where she somehow ended up being admitted into a psychiatric hospital but she’s out and hopefully better now. So I’d canceled the first plan to go with the second plan to show some friendly support.

But then, I woke up, on the couch this morning, and got this wild hair to start cleaning. My laundry is what really needs to be done but it’s so tedious that I decided to clean the rest of everything instead, or at least start to. I started going through boxes and binders and drawers and finding things that I’d never thought I’d throw out but realizing that maybe, something that’s holding me back is actually my lack of getting rid of things that I once found important.

By the end of my purging I was knee deep in old tapes that were carefully made for me, a few letters and some other items that I decided to get rid of. One of the most surprising things that I threw away was a recording of an old Buddhist that foretold some future that gave me hope. Actually when I first heard it, probably 20 years ago, I just shrugged my shoulders and didn’t think of it again till a few years back. That’s right after THE friend came back into my life and almost everything on that tape had become a reality except the one true thing that I wanted to.

And that’s where that story ended. I knew that the longer I held on to the tape the longer I might try to hold on to that version of the future which is total and utter bullshit now. Realistically though I know that it will take more than a materialistic purge to get rid of everything about that version of the future that I need to especially since my dreams are betraying me. I woke up this morning already upset that about a dream and I’m sure it’s part of why I did what I did. But it was a strange one…

I suppose part of this is because my boss was adults only kind of weekend and he was talking about taking ecstasy. He was joking that he was going to call me when it kicked in because he knew it was my DOC (drug of choice) back in my drug induced days. I told him to go eff himself and that I wouldn’t answer the phone if he did but it made me remember the feeling on it.

I will say this, at one point there was a very valid reason why this was a legal drug. When on it, there was literally nothing that could go wrong (aside from the obvious of overdose and all that). But the feeling on it was honest, powerful, safe, loved and happy. That’s something that I’ve not felt in a truly long time. Most of our settings were either a group of close friends or just two of us and it was just happiness on a cloud.

The dream went like this… THE friend and I were invited to go with my boss on his weekend excursion and we actually decided to go. When he got there the boss passed around the x and to my amazement THE friend wanted to take it which realistically I know he never would. I remember telling him that if he felt uneasy or anxious because he didn’t know anyone else there then to just squeeze my hand and we’d go for a walk or something. So, we sat there on a couch at a beach house and listened to everyone when I felt the tingling of my scalp and knew it was about to start. Then I felt this tremendous squeeze and knew it was time to go somewhere else.

We walked down a private beach for a while hand in hand for what seemed like ever until THE friend decided to stop and just sit on the sand. Being that he was knew to this he just started to feel everything. He felt the sand, his hair, my hair, my nose (cute but weird). This continued until he started spewing all this truth that I’ve wanted to hear in reality for way too long.

I remember feeling this weight being lifted off me and I could feel a weight being lifted off his because he was finally able to tell the truth about things that I never thought he would and everything seemed explained. I felt vindicated for every single thing for the past four years. Everything made sense. It was as if the 100 pound bolder that had been sitting on both our backs this whole like had turned into the lightest balloon that every existed. There was nothing but honestly, love and acceptance. There were no boundaries, lies or wall between us. I felt as though I could actually breath again….

Then I woke up and was just pissed because I knew that my reality would never be as good as a fucking dream and I hated that. So, I threw away the one last vestige of proof of what could have made things a better reality. Then I cleaned and rearranged my world until I just didn’t care anymore. After all of that I realized that I’d cleaned away the day and several phone calls. I then finished up with a long bath, kept my pants off and finish off my evening with a bunch of horror movies since they seem to rival my life lately.

I don’t know what life has to offer me in the future but I do know that it’s got nothing to do with a box labeled memories… and now they’re not longer staring at me wondering what the hell I’m doing.

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The Double Edged Sword of Repetition…

Repetition is great, if you’re trying to stave off a bad habit or you’re trying to start a new good habit. What I’ve realized though is that repetition in life is insanely boring. I am aware that with my personality and my current state that repetition is the only way that I’ll do things that are, for most people, simple like cleaning or exercise or grocery shopping; it’s something that I just dislike.

I hate that I have a job that’s always the same thing, during the same hours, during the same days of the week. I wake up at the same time, go through the same morning routine. Then when I get to the office that pattern starts. I unlock the door, turn on the lights, turn down the AC and make my cup of coffee. All this is done while waiting for my computer to boot up so I can check the same hundred emails the just keep repeating. At the end of the work day, the same thing. If I’m the last to leave then I’m turning up the AC, cleaning my coffee mug, logging off my computer, turning the lights off and locking the door.

I know that if things were like that I’d probably never actually make it to work so I can see the advantage of it all. However, lately, since things are a bit different at work I tend to come and go as I please. Instead of going out to eat every single weekday I actually bought groceries to make a sandwich which is really weird for me but lately this hole circle of repetition has been racing through my mind, on repeat (imagine that).

It had me thinking of a man that I dated a while back. First, it was a short lust affair and second he was less a man than he was a boy. He was much younger than me and extremely immature but he was fun. We never did the same thing twice. He once took me to race cars. We had a picnic in the rain. We camped, went fishing and drove four hours to watch a football game.

One night, he’d gotten tickets to an invitation only party and we’d decided to go because it was new and fun. When we got there, we’d realized that it was actually a private sex club. It was a scene out of Eyes Wide Shut without the weird bad acting. He was noticeably uncomfortable but we’d decided to stay for at least 30 minutes. Then if we were both in agreement we’d leave. Nothing was going to happen but I was intrigued. I wasn’t uncomfortable because no one else aside from my date was.

I remembered walking around with a flute of champagne in hand wondering if I’d see anyone that I knew. Back in those days, I’d heard that my boss and his wife were into that stuff and that was my only concern to not run into them. It wasn’t gross or perverted or Cinamax-esq. For some reason I felt as though I wasn’t old enough myself to be there and realized that he must have felt even younger so I appeased him and we left.

It wasn’t long after that that I knew dating him was fun and exciting but that he needed to be with someone a bit closer to his age or at least his maturity level. I never went back to a place like that but out of all the experiences that we had together that’s the one that stood out the most to me because I could remember exactly how it made me feel. It was a moment.

I’ve said this before but I don’t remember dates (unless there’s a five in there somewhere) but I do remember moments and the feelings that surrounded that moment. Some have been those “Movie moments” that I talk about. The one’s that end up in cheesy romantic comedies but some are just ones that leave an imprint.

That’s what’s been lacking in my life lately is the imprints, the movie moments and the new experiences. I know that I won’t wake up tomorrow and suddenly have one of those things happen and that’s the part that scares me. That those moments are over. It’s as if I’ve been hexed with the curse of boring and that someone once looked at me with envy or disdain for the happiness that I was feeling and put so much “evil eye” on me that it took away all the great moments in life. To be, it’s almost the same as taking away the air I breath and now I’m stuck.

The best way to describe this feeling is that life is just hard right now. I’m having an allergic reaction to it. I’m feeling disconnected to people, to myself. I’m uneasy. I acknowledge that things are in desperate need of changing but where do I go from here? What’s the next step? Some days, as the world is happening around me I feel like the one person standing still screaming in my own head. I need a shock to the system.

I’ve also said this before, in such a connected world that we live in today why is it so fucking easy to feel the most alone that ever before? Days like today I just really need to know that I’m not except I’m not even willing to answer to the phone to find out. I’m in need of something new, something real, something that doesn’t go away the moment I open my eyes.

I wish I had a better story for you tonight but that’s what’s on my mind…

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Seeing yourself in others…

So this next story is about a family trip. A few weeks ago my brother, sister-in-law and niece decided they wanted to come down and go to the zoo. Apparently their zoo sucks and ours doesn’t. So they got up at the butt-crack of dawn and drove 2.5 hours to meet me and off to see the lions and tigers and bears “Oh my”.

First disclosure, I actually hate the zoo. Well, maybe not HATE but dislike a lot. I’ve just never found it that interesting and it’s sad to see these animals in cages. But my niece loves all animals. A few days before my brother had asked about a couple friends to see if they’d like to come. I texted THE friend and in typical fashion he’d ignored the text as if it just disappeared into the universe without his knowledge and since I didn’t really want to hear some BS about how he never got it or some other excuse I’ve never brought it up. It’s painfully obvious that he only wants to be “secret friends” so I don’t know why I waste my energy on trying anything new. After that it discouraged me a bit so I decided to forgo asking anyone else and was just happy enough to hang with my little monkey.

They reached their first destination, my home, around 9:30 which if you know me then you know that that is to dang early for me especially on a weekend and I didn’t even get a chance to get my coffee in with fear that it might “kick in” at the wrong moment. I could already tell that my brother was agitated. Not really sure why but I didn’t care. It had been way too long since I got to hang with the coolest 3 and a half year old EVER.

She was sweet and immediately asked if I could sit next to her which was already a given. We were playing with stuffed animals the whole way there. By the time we’d actually pulled into the zoo it was already packed and hot and humid. Everyone stated where they wanted to go and what they wanted to see and so we commenced to finding appeasement for each. We saw the dinosaurs, tigers, chimpanzees and as he heat climbed so did my brothers temper. It was easy to see that he was going to explode soon and for no reason what-so-ever.

If you’ve been here, at my blog, for the long haul you’d know that my brother and I have always had a volatile relationship. He was an angry kid who chose to take it out on the most defenseless human he could. At that time it was me. I suffered years of verbal and physical trauma which finally was subdued when he went off to college and on a trip home one weekend a friend of his, whom I’d never met, caught my brothers fist mid air, right before it hit me. His friend looked at him and said, “If you want to hit something then hit me”. Mind you, his friend was a football player and much larger that he. After that, he never even attempted it again. That is another human that I owe a huge load of gratitude to.

But because of my younger years with him I knew what set him off, just how much he’d blow and how far to be back. He’s had anger issues for most of his life and he’s self-medicated about half that time with pot. I’ve always been a fan because if it wasn’t for that then I’m sure things would be much worse.

After a blow up in the car, for no reason what-so-ever his screaming was enough to almost give me a panic attack remembering all the ways he’d hurt me in my younger years. I’ve said before that the physical scars evaporated but the emotional ones never will. The moment I heard his start his screaming I went back into the 10 year old version of myself feeling invisible scabs being ripped off. Then what happened next brought me to tears.

I looked over at my carefree 3 and a half year old niece who was now playing with her new stuffed animals from the zoo and her body was frozen. Her face had the look of terror that I understood. From the look of her I could feel every single thing she was feeling in that moment because I had been there long ago and my only words for it was terrified. In that moment I wanted to ripe her out of that car seat, bundle her in a blanket and run far far away.

A few weeks after that, my friend in the Northeast and I were talking about that and I explained the version of the story that I remembered and he actually understood. He knows a lot of our history and he knows the history that my brother and I share. Growing up my friend was on my brothers side of things and now that we’re adults I’d say that he’s a much better mutual friend to both. I see him as another brother but one that I don’t have a terrible history with.

He ended up having a lengthy discussion about my brothers anger issues and situations that my friend had witnessed. None of it took away the pain that I felt for my niece and please understand that that is not a common occurrence with her around for him. It was just nice to talk to someone that knew the childhood stories of what I went through, listened to me and understood. That was exactly what I needed in that very moment and I am grateful to him for that.

The thoughts that come from the strangest places though. I knew at that moment that I would be a good mother if given the chance. But again, are my chances ruined because I’ve passed up so many. I would never be someone that would forgo the love for a man that I deserve just to have a child and I never have but does that mean that I’ve lost that part of my life? And so continues the regrets that I’ve had especially over the last few months.

These last few months have been a lot of things. I’ve seen dark days, black. I’ve been in physical and emotional pain. I’ve been depressed and bored. I’ve yearned for things that I once had and didn’t appreciate enough. But on the flip side of all of that I’ve also learned that the smallest of things can make me happy. The tiniest of deeds. The times that I’ve been the most happy were not being given luxurious gifts, expensive dinners or taken grand trips. I’m moved by things like someone taking the time to listen to me. I’m moved by the tiniest of expressions of love, caring and gratitude. I’m happy with the smallest surprises or the breaks from monotony. I smile at being the stories, the memories that others have to share. When people show loving concern. I have so many of those people in my life from my friend in the northeast who calls me and we chat away his entire 3 hour drive home, to my BFF who sends me messages that “even though you don’t want to talk I am here for you and love you”, to my GBF who calls or text every single day to see if there’s anything that I need, to my friend (the waiter that I barely know) who just paid for my entire dinner tonight.

It’s easy to be sad and depressed about the things that suck in life and the people who make you feel like less of a human than you deserve but it’s amazing when the other people in life make you feel exactly the way you want to feel at the very moment that you need to feel that. I have gratitude for all those amazing people tonight, the ones that bring me to tears in a good way.

None of that was meant to be a dig at the one person that I truly wanted all those things from. There’s lots of things that I cherish and that I am grateful for that he’s done or that we’ve done together. The times that he cleans, unknowingly with his OCD perfectionist style, I am grateful for. I miss the days that he would come to my door while I was “asleep” to (in my mind) check on me. I miss the days where he had climbed into bed, nothing sexual but maybe just to be next to someone else for a few moments. I miss the hand holding and the sweet kisses on the cheek and the hugs from behind. It feels as though it’s been an eternity since we’ve touched and probably won’t ever happen again. I miss the falling asleep together on the couch on a rainy day and having some part of his body accidentally find its way to mine to linger.

You see, all our most special moments to me are the ones that you can’t buy, measure or plan. They just happened and now, they’re all gone. It’s still a very sad place to be in when you find your heart empty and echoing the memories of yesterday. I can be grateful for all those things above and still sad that it’s come to this. God, I just wished that he’d just have paid a bit more attention to me and less to the social box inside a five inch piece of shit or to some new girl that so easily walks out of his life or that he still made the rest of the world disappear for just a few moments…

I’m not easily had and I don’t easily give. I wish he knew that this was a true, unique and meaningful gift.

Yes, things can easily be spun back to him in pretty much any story over the last few years but I will stop doing that soon enough and give him as much thought as is returned.

I give my gratitude to all those things above and the strength to move on.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 14 (Sunday) and a discussion about mistakes.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and 5 minutes today trying to sweat out emotions.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

As expected my Sunday night didn’t go as planned. The weather or a better offer was a detour for THE friend, which ever. Instead, I spoke to my ex on the phone for a long time. There’s one thing that I admire of him and that’s his insane ability to overcome his fears.

Several years ago he was in a horrific motorcycle accident in which he almost lost his leg. That accident changed the entire course of what he thought his life was going to be. He was engaged to a girl that couldn’t handle what he was going through. He was in a wheelchair for a long time and basically had to relearn everything he’d once known and took for granted. That is all part of why he feels that we’ve come back into each others lives for a purpose. He doesn’t take things for granted anymore and tries to learn from his mistakes. He just recently purchased a new bike and has looked his fear straight in it’s face and said “eff you”!

The truth is, the more I talk to him the more he wears me down about being together. But I have these effed up dreams and thoughts that are making the decision so hard. Yes, it’s true. I have feelings, strong feelings, about THE friend but it’s more than that. I have witnessed THE friend make these decisions or mistakes in his life that lead to him regretting things later and maybe in part I’m trying to hold out hope that I can save him from himself one day.

I’m still being told by these grandiose figures in life and in dreams that we’re supposed to be together. This makes sense to me. I know he doesn’t feel the same but sometimes I try to explain that because he’s scared or thinks he’ll screw something up so bad that we won’t even be friends afterward. The reality is so much different than that.

I know he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. That hurts because of what my vision is. The perfect “coupling”. Two people don’t need to be the same in fact they need to be different in a lot of ways. Puzzle pieces don’t fit together if they’re exactly the same. That’s the way I look at relationships, as puzzle pieces. I have strengths where he’s weak and vice versa. I’ve never met someone that I actually WANT to fit together like that and do until THE friend. 

My mind thinks that “if this was different about me” or “if that was different about me” then he’d want to make this work but the truth is none of that is true. if any of this was meant to be then it would be and it wouldn’t suck so bad that it’s not. I think I’m just tired and don’t want to play this game anymore. I’m okay with knowing that he knows the truth about me and my feelings and if he regrets anything about us later then that’s all on him but I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of knowing that I could be everything that he needs and yet it’s not good enough for what he wants. The sad fact is that again, all he ever had to do was try. I live with the knowledge that being with him, THE friend, would never have been a mistake.

I’ve made plans with the ex. He was set on driving to see me tonight but I convinced him that I was just too tired to see him but I promised that we’d spend time together this week. I know what spending time with him will mean. To him, it means some grand romantic gesture, candles, music, dinner, and a regurgitation of emotions that I’ve already become aware of. So it’s just my turn to define what all those mean to me, one last time. I need to take THE friend out of the equation completely because it doesn’t matter.

The difference between reality and dreams is so obvious and just when I think I know exactly what I need something comes to me to show me what I want and sometimes that’s too powerful to overcome. But again, I’ve done all I can. I’ve been here in any capacity THE friend has needed but it’s never been the capacity in which I WANTED. Not completely. At the end of all this I will know that I do not have any regrets and if he does it’s not my responsibility. 

So, I think this weekend will be me spending time with the ex to try one last time to see if there’s anything there. I’m not going to force anything and there is a lot of history with us he will not be my regret either. He’s a good man. He’s always been truthfully with me which is, at this point in my life, the most important thing with a man. He’s never asked me for anything more than I’m willing to give and has never taken me for granted. As I said, he’s a good man. I’ll have a week to think about this and see where the weekend takes me. Worst case scenario I can always back out if I know this will hurt him too much. Maybe it’ll be raining and we’ll sit outside his house and listen to Prince and I’ll remember why I was so intrigued by him so many years ago.

I’ve decided though, that if there will never be the slightest chance of THE friend and I ever being together then I shall pray that he not be in my life any longer because it’s just cruel. I’ve done all I can. This week is about having no regrets. Anything goes. At the end of everything I will at least have peace in my mind if not in my heart.

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