Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 16.

1. No complaining. I’m changing this to just finding one thing about today was the best part.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. My one good thing today was talking to my BFF for about two hours.
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour and five minutes.
4. Eat healthy – Check however I did eat a cookie but I’m ok with that. It was just one.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

Today, I’m in a bit of a strange mood. I was perfectly fine after work but then I talked with my BFF about what’s going on in her life. I feel bad that I can’t fix the bad parts for her. I guess if I’m not perfect I’ll try my hardest to fix everyone else around me. I know I can’t do that either.

Some days I feel like Dorthy who needs to take all my friends to the wizard to get “fixed”. I’d take my BFF to get healthy. I’d take my GBF to get a normal relationship of equal love and care. Lastly, I’d take THE friend to get courage. I’m not sure what I’d ask for… love, a soulmate, maybe nothing. Right now the only thing that I want is a rainy day, someone to cuddle with and someone that asks me how my day was and actually wants me to answer that.

Actually, I think right now, I just want a secret relationship. My friends would probably say that I have those a lot but I haven’t had one in a while. I want to be with someone that’s with me when they’re with me and when we’re not it doesn’t matter. What we’d have is just ours for those moments we’re together. Why is that so intriguing to me? I do love my secrets. There’s some sort of intimacy about something being between just two people and no one else knowing… I like that. Call me crazy.

So I guess that’s what I’d ask for from the wizard right now. That would bring me some happiness. What would you ask for? Where would your yellow brick road lead you?

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My Day of Nothing…

Well, as predicted, I didn’t do anything today and mostly because my body didn’t want to but around 9ish pm I started to stare at my Fitbit. It was giving me this disappointed look. So, I got up from my computer and started walking. Then, that started to turn into a run. Then, before I knew it I was done with 10,000 steps and more, sweating beautifully and thankful that my body didn’t give out on me.

Since I’m a “routine girl” I usually get my workouts in over the week. It’s easier that way and most of the time my weekends have me running around doing all kinds of things that I don’t even need to think about “getting in m exercise” but today was going to be a lazy day, a recuperating day. I’m glad it ended up not being one of those days.

Now, I realize that my day, even at 11ish pm should be close to being over but it’s not. I’m trying to decide whether I should go meet friends or just stay in. I want to feel like I did something this weekend before he mundane week starts. But I’m sweaty, would need to shower and get ready and by the time I do all that it would be midnight. Blah, I have the social life of someone in their 20’s sometimes.

I have no idea what’s in store for tomorrow but all I ask is that it be a fun, relaxing and no expectations kind of day. I’m not sure if I’ll be watching the Oscars with THE friend since I’ve not heard from him but as I said, I’m having a no expectations day tomorrow. Course, ask me that again tomorrow night and see if that’s the same carefree answer.

Here’s a nice little story for you though. The sweat pants I started running in almost a month ago, feel off me tonight as I was running. Yep, that’s a good thing but what’s an even better thing is that they didn’t fall off when I was at the gym. That would not have been a pretty sight. Just saying…

On a completely different note. Over Christmas, my friend from the northeast had sent me some money. It was kind of a thank you for doing some work for him on top of a monthly payment. It was unexpected and very appreciated however, it’s been sitting in my wallet since then. A tiny little plastic card with my name on and lots of money. I wanted to do something fun with it and not just piss it away on something stupid but I can’t seem to think of what I want to use it for. I thought about taking a trip with it, buying something nice or paying for just a really fun day of something that I would remember. I have no idea what I want to do with it. Any ideas?

Anyway, I just wanted to write something. I guess I have to quickly decide what the rest of tonight will have in store for me. Hope you’re all having a great weekend.

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Bland days and my OCDness…

Today has been an utterly bland day. Nothing crazy at work, came home after, watched a bit of TV, worked out. Absolutely nothing of any importance happened today. Sometimes my horoscope just makes me laugh. It’s a lot like the weatherman, mostly wrong but strangely interesting to listen to. Well, actually it said something about ‘if you choose to stay home today that’s ok but if you don’t you might just met the next love of your life’ or some other BS. And shockingly, I still stayed in.

One main reason that I stayed home tonight is because my body has been betraying me lately. I’m not sure if it’s because my sleep sucks, my change in health habits or emotional stress but it’s not been feeling right for a few days. I do notice that when I am under emotional stress, anger, sadness or pain my OCD goes crazy or crazier.

I don’t really remember being this OCD about things as a kid. It’s gotten worse through the years and it mainly focuses on numbers. I suppose that’s why I became an accountant, sort of (one of my many hats). My number is five. Someone told me once that this is a God number. I don’t really know what that meant but she said it was good. This started out to be a volume thing. If the TV or radio had a number volume it had to be on something divisible by five. But lately, I’ve been counting my steps a lot. If I’m at work and go outside for a bit I have to walk 500 steps. If I’m sitting at home I have to get up and walk 1,000 steps every hour.

It usually happens only when I’m alone and I’m sure there’s some sort of therapy to learn from this but if I don’t do those things I don’t go crazy or anything. I don’t really have any other OCD moments. I don’t have to turn the knob 4 times or check the stove 8 times or anything. I am usually paranoid that I’ve left my hair straightener on but I assume that’s a fear that a lot of women probably have.

Even feeling let down by my body today, I still ran and I do feel better now. While I was running I remembered that the Oscars are this weekend. This will be a year that I’ve seen more of the Oscar nominated movies than ever before and I’ve seen them with THE friend. He’s the only person I go to the movies with. Some of the movies were great and some not so much. I’m usually someone who has to have things blowing up or lots of sex in a movie to keep my attention but that’s one thing that he’s done for me. I’ve entertained seeing a lot more movies that I might never have seen if it weren’t for him.

One of those movies that kind of stuck with me and for some reason I think about a lot is Anomalisa. At first, I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. It kind of struck a nerve in me for some reason but I understood the main character. It also kind of reminded me of THE friend too. There’s a guy with a mundane life who sees everyone as the same person, there’s no quality that makes them different than the next. Then he meets a girl, thinks she’s amazing but she becomes just like everyone else after a while. It’s a movie that’ll might make you think. Again, for some reason it’s stuck with me.

If my body feels the way it does right now I think I’ll take this weekend to watch some of the rest of the Oscar movies and just melt into my couch for a while. I thought about thinking up some drinking game to watch the award show to but then I realize that drinking never really goes well for me lately so that’s probably not a great idea. Maybe I’ll do something else to entertain myself.

So, boring post tonight. I’d apologize but sometimes I just need to have a boring night or two to even things out so I’m ok with it. There’s still and hour and 20 minutes left of tonight. Maybe that ‘love of my life’ horoscope thing will still come true. Ha, kidding.

Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.

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Both The Downside and the Upside of Being Healthier…

I’ve talked about my “paleo journey” before and how I always feel better while eating clean but there’s a few downsides to getting healthier as well. I’ll put up with them but I just want you to know that it’s not all sunshine and Rocky type glory over here.

First, I’m reading The Wild Diet By: Abel James He’s great and I’ve been following him for years but I also downloaded the audiobook because I knew I’d have better luck listen to it in the car. He talks A LOT about getting a healthier sex drive. Um, pretty sure that’s impossible for me. If my sex drive was any healthier I’d probably start humping random men in line at the grocery store buying my pasteurized, farm fresh, organic whatever.

Next, it’s actually a bit more expensive for me. That’s not much of a problem but so many of my friends assume that the only quality time we can spend together is going out to dinner. So, I give in and then I’m left trying to eat 7 pounds of kale and 8 pounds of wild catch salmon in one sitting which defeats the purpose. This means that I have to retrain social time. So, eating out less SHOULD compensate the difference or even save me money.

However, just to be on the safe side, I canceled my kickboxing class which was almost $500.00 a month. That’s a lot right now. I still have my gym membership and when I feel strong enough to go lift like a boss or have someone that can train me then I’ll back to that instead. But I do love my kickboxing and in the interim I have my Wii… Don’t judge me. The Wii is awesome. You can run, do yoga, dance AND kickbox. It is like a little trainer inside a little box.

How crazy do you all think I am now? Well, I know what’s worked for me in the past and I just need the motivation to keep this going forever now instead of the excuse that “Life got in the way”. Guess what? Life is the way. Yeah, seems like a simplistic thing to remember but I seem to forget that a lot.

But I went grocery shopping tonight. Worked out with my Wii. I took a nice relaxing shower and now the rest of the evening is mine, until someone breaks the silence and by someone I mean any one of my friends and because I’m scared of being un-zen’ed I’ve turned off my phone for the night.

The problem with getting healthier is that your friends are usually NOT on the same schedule as me which means they’ll be chugging soda, eating cake and loafing when I’m trying not to do any of those things. You can try to explain your situation but some just don’t get it. That’s why it’s nice to have at least one person in your life that’s kind of on the same path as you. You can eat the same foods, talk about the latest zen thing you’re into and maybe get healthy together.

So this was my early boring post tonight so that I can eat some hummus, strawberries with coconut whip cream and go to bed early… I never say that. Well, I might have said that but it usually NEVER happens. I usually always see the backside of midnight at the earliest. I also have a few things to put in my #jarchallenge. I have no idea why I hashtag that. I promise I’m not an asshole.

Hope you are all having a great week and I promise to not turn into one of those crazy paleo health nut bloggers, not that there’s anything wrong with that but this is more about my dating or lack of a dating life than anything.

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Inappropriate conversation day… with some randomness.

If you can think of the most inappropriate conversations you’ve ever had, multiply them by ten and that’s what’s happened today. Luckily, I’ve got some sick and twisted friends which are awesome. One of the most important things to me is that a friend be a bit off, have a sense of humor and be fun. Sure we can have serious talks but there is nothing better than the type of laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach and your cheeks hurt afterward. I have a bit of a twisted mind so anything goes. That’s the rule and there are no rules.

That’s probably another thing I should ad to my list for a man. If he can make me laugh, even just a little bit, he’s got me. I find it much easier to be the joke teller or the sarcastic responder than the one who someone can make laugh. It was always my goal at family gatherings to get my father or brother to laugh because that meant something was really funny.

Today was a nice break from my normal crapfest during tax season. It’s such a bland, boring yet important time of the year and I usually go a bit bat-shit crazy but not this year. I’m looking forward to so many things and focusing on those things instead of numbers, which is weird cause I’m a numbers gal. I’m looking forward to spending time with my friend tomorrow night. Looking forward to an evening at the spa on Friday night because I damn well deserve it. Then I’m looking forward to the weekend and not just because it’s Superbowl but because it should be a really fun time too.

The only problem I foresee is this. First, one of my app addiction is flipboard. It’s the only way I get my news nowadays. One of the article on there today was about how alcohol makes you horny… (such a stupid word). I suppose the adult version is “alcohol gets you excited”. This is such a bad thing. I’m already overly excited half the time (most of the time) now so with alcohol in me???? That’s just going to make it ever so hard. I’m attracted to my friend and he and I have gone down that path before so I might have to either not drink that much OR fib my way into disregarding my own personal safety and going home that night. He doesn’t want us there so I will not be the instigator.

The last thing I would want to do is make him feel awkward at this stage. He’s been great lately and while it wouldn’t change things for me, he might start to pull away after so there’s that. It’s only a small thing on my mind which I’ll file under “no need to worry about stuff that won’t happen” folder. However, it would be fun.

The one thing that I really need to focus on and soon is getting back into my fitness and healthy eating routine. Going out for a month long birthday celebrations has it’s drawbacks and I feel so unmotivated. It’s weird. I was doing so well toward the end of the year then people visiting and partying. I need to start going back to the gym immediately after work and preparing my meals ahead of time. For a while there, I wasn’t eating much, if anything, at all and had recently lost 12lbs by accident but I wasn’t complaining. If I could just do it the healthy way. This is why I need a personal trainer and chef. There was a time when I was almost at my goal and I felt great, looked good and realized that I really could do anything with the right motivation. Maybe I’ll pretend that I’ll be walking down the aisle in a few months and need to get into the most beautiful dress ever. I’ll have to put that one my vision board to see if that helps.

Well, that’s my random rambling tonight and now it’s back to numbers for a few hours. Hope you’re having a great week. More rambling to come, I’m sure.

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