Good Day… The kind you “wink” after ;-)

I’ve had one of those really good days. The kind you wink after saying it was a good day. I had a good late night visitor though and it had me up at 4:55 am. I’m not sure I’ve ever been up that early. However, after being woken up the best way possible, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So what does one do when one can’t go back to sleep? They workout early, after another really good workout 🙂 .

I thought I was going to just pass out at some point today but I didn’t. I felt myself slowing down and then just had another cup of coffee. Then, after leaving work early I went to pick up groceries, came home, worked out some more and went out to a nice dinner. It’s around 11 now and I feel like I should be able to just pass out later. At some point in the day I even managed to wash the dishes.

This weekend is my brothers birthday so I plan on staying with him till Monday and enjoying the hell out of that two. We have three things that none of us have ever done before on the schedule so seriously excited about that. Plus I’m going to talk to my brother’s neighbor about the job opportunities that he’s been talking about for me.

So it’s been two really good days. It seems like I’m just that much closer to something different which I what I’ve been asking for for some time now and I’m excited about it. I’m so excited, in fact, that I brought boxes home today to pack. That might not be the best thing to look forward to but all I have to see at the end of the rainbow is the end game which is me, not here, not in this unhappy place.

It’s weird. I think that my birthday this year and the month before and month after made me realize a lot of things that I’d been wrestling with before. Plus, I started getting healthy for myself, for real this time. Then I started seeing someone casually who’s awesome, fun, and enjoys my insatiability.

Things still feel slightly weird though because I’ve spent the last three years thinking about a completely different future, one which I finally realized it was nothing to hold on to and it was hurting me more than anything else. This time when I said I was done, I really meant it and it actually feels good.

I have my Sunday’s back from being miserable and lonely. I have someone that loves to be with me in any capacity and I don’t worry anymore that I’m being used by a “friend”. I feel good. I feel like my badass self, like I used to feel years ago.

I know this is still a new, old feeling, and it might not stay for long periods of time but I’m eating healthy, I’m working out and I quit smoking. I did all that for me. I know I keep saying the same thing but keep in mind that I’ve been up since 4:55 and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

The quote from Tiny Buddha Site that resonated with me today was, “When you let go you create space for something better”. I like that. That makes things seem less like a scary, “your hearts broken” emptiness rather a moment that you’ve given yourself to allow the greatness in that you didn’t have room for before.

So that’s my rambling tonight. It’s a good night’s rambling and a good night. I have about another hour to keep myself awake before I can pass out and give gratitude for what I have right now in this very moment which is peace. I hope you have the same.

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OCD overdrive and other rambling thoughts…

It’s officially, maybe it’s the full moon but my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. I started to put things away, then noticed my makeup was messy so I started cleaning that up which turned into needing my electric screwdriver which I can’t find anywhere. Now it’s 11 pm and I am so ampped up that it’s crazy.

I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. This weekend is the start of my birthday celebration month. Yes, I get a whole month because I want it. I’m not too excited about the actual birthday itself but I am excited that I get to see a bunch of people to celebrate it. Even if I didn’t have all these plans to look forward to my mind is in cleaning and organizing everything.

Everywhere I look either at home, in my car or at work I just want to straighten things up or throw away a bunch of stuff. I’m not sure if this is my way of cleansing for the new year or if I truly am in need of a distraction right now. However, being distracted does help curb those less than awesome feelings I was having before the year ended.

It’s the little things that I think about that make me feel sad sometimes. It’s the fact that I’m in the exact same place, same job, same home, same body as last year. I want things to change up so much. I am focused on this being a great year but so far it’s been a whole lot of routine so that I can get better. I am aware of the phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. That can be applied to a whole lot of things in my life.

The other thing that was starting to get to me was thinking about my friend that I wrote about yesterday. It’s not so much of him per say but it’s more about the sort of relationship that I want to have in my life right now. I think I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not normal and neither are my relationships. If I was I’d have settled down by now and have that 2.5 kids, dog, husband and a white picket fence but that’s not who I am.

That’s not to say that I don’t crave normal but it’s at constant odds with my need for different. I’ve said this before but it’s the little things that I want. I want someone to bring me my coffee the way I like it in the morning after some really hot morning sex. I want someone who’s by my side encouraging me to do things that I don’t think I can do. I want someone that will use the other half of my gym membership since I’m paying for it anyway and come sweat with me after work.

See, it’s the simplistic things. If I could put all the things I’ve like about each boy in a blender I’d have the perfect guy. I’d have a guy that writes me silly little post it notes and leaves them for me to find around the house. I’d have a guy that gets frustrated with me about my silly little habits like throwing the empty toilet paper roll close to the trash can but secretly likes it because it’s a thing I do. I’d have a guy that already knows my order from our favorite restaurant. The big stuff is less important to me than the small things. Like I said, there’s little pieces of perfection in every guy I’ve known. That’s why they’ve been in my life.

That’s another part of life right now. Even though I have options, there are no men that I am romantically interested in. That feels a little empty. All the flirting is the same, all the drinks are with the same and all the jokes have already been told and re-told. This goes back to my aversion to normal but the necessity to have it in my life right now.

I’d love to cash in all my stocks and bonds and CD’s and just fly somewhere remote. I’d love to start something new right now. I need another reason to smile aside from just because I have to every morning to help start the day.

While I was writing in my gratitude journal the other day I wrote, “I’m grateful for sex”. I know, you’re shocked right? But after I wrote that I realized that it was no longer about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love that part but it’s also about the comfort and feelings that come with just an embrace or a kiss… Doesn’t even have to turn into that but I miss that part of relationships. See, another thing that I took for granted for years.

I will say this though, I’ve gotten into this calming routine right before bed which I am also grateful for. It’s really a single girl thing but it involves a cleansing ritual, a writing ritual and a bedtime ritual. While doing that tonight I’m winding down enough to calm down a bit. It’s my tiny bit of self-indulgent peace for the day. I say that as I get just a little stressed looking at my almost 600 emails that I need to go through.

I am grateful tonight for past boyfriends that gave me something to miss, of the simple things in life and of the great friends that all want to do something spectacular for my birthday. What are you grateful right now?

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Is chivalry dead or just hiding…?

A couple weeks ago, during the whole holiday hustle, I got to see an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. Our relationship quickly fizzled years back but it was important to stay friends with him for some reason. I never really understood what that reason was until a couple weeks ago.

I’ll start off by saying that I am a strong independent woman. There has never been much that I’ve needed from anyone else. It’s both a fault and a strength. That being said though I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a man stand up for me. Knowing my history, you’ll understand that I never got that growing up and therefore grew up not needing it. I had boyfriends and male friends in the past want to “right the wrongs” in my past for me and in turn that would have “wronged the rights” in my opinion. The way I looked at my past is that it was mine to fix and mine alone. But most of that is for another night.

This story starts when my friend and I went out to a local bar. This would be the same establishment that I take most of my close friends to. We’d been there slowly sipping for about an hour and a half when, in rare form at this place, a fight broke out. First, without any sort of hesitation, my friend jumped up from across the table and moved me out of harms way. This was instinct for him. After a few moments of him making sure I wasn’t hurt, even though one of the neanderthals had managed to tap me on the back of the head with their elbow, my friend went and broke up the fight.

At that point the owner of the place came over, because we know each other, and had made sure I was ok as well. The owner then turned around to assess the damage which amounted to a few chairs misplaced and a drink or two spilled. My friend was talking to both the guys and separating them with his palmed arms stretched as much as he could.

I can’t say this entire incident had fazed me that much. It was an initial shock of the loud noise but the fighting was acknowledged as two drunk idiots ranting about something. What did shock me is that after my friend was done speaking with them, then the owner had decided to kick them both out, they were both directed to me to offer an apology.

That’s the point that I remembered why I needed him in my life AND why I was initially sexually attracted to him. He’s a strong man, in stature and strength but he uses his head first. Whatever he’d said to those guys was enough to get them to stop fighting and to apologize for not only smacking me on the back of the head but for also interrupting our evening. I don’t remember the last time a man was that concerned with my safety or my well being.

To be fair it’s not as if I’d opening admit that I needed a man’s help on something but he never cared what I was willing to admit. He just knew. That’s why we stay friends to this day. Aside from him, there’s mainly two types of men that I know, that we all know. They would be either the ones to jump into the fight or to run from the entire situation. He’s a rare breed. He was never required to fight for my honor but the fact that he chose to says more about his character than anything.

At the end of our evening together I kissed him. I kissed him with no intent or expectation but only to say “Thank you”. At the end of our evening together he kissed me back with no intent or expectation but only to say “You’re welcome”. I guess my assessment is that chivalry isn’t dead but it is hiding. A girl might not need a white knight but that’s not to say she doesn’t want one.

Tonight I am grateful for chivalrous men that actually care to make the right decisions with someone else in mind other than themselves. Far too many people are far too selfish these days, I am grateful for the ones that aren’t.

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Awesome Day 3 and still counting…

Today is day 3 of this awesome year so far. Work was exceptional. I got to catch up with an old friend even though we missed each other over the holidays. Lastly, I did something today that will forever change me and my health in such a good way. I’m not ready to tell you that part yet but I will one day.

Years ago I came across “The Secret” By Rhonda Byrne. I don’t even remember how this came into my world but it seemed to be at the exact moment that I needed it. I’m sure most of you know what this is by now. It’s a basic theory that whatever you want you can attract by the power of your mind, thoughts and actions. Seems stupidly simplistic right? Well, if it was then I’d have had a better year last year.

Truth is, when it first fell into my life and I practice what they preached it worked. If I wanted a guy I’d get him, if I wanted money I’d get it or if I just wanted small things I’d get those things as well. My good friend, who I lovingly call asshat, also did it and he got everything he wanted at that time as well.

It was around this time that someone in my life’s health started failing and I got distracted but I’ve recently started to focus on this again. Some of you might say that if things are that easy to get then why don’t I ask to win the lottery or have THE friend fall in love with me or something monumental. Well, I believe in things being returned 10 fold.

If I was to ask to win the lottery but it was supposed to go to someone else instead then I’d have done something bad. If I want money then it’s more about things like starting a business or getting a raise. Things that directly affect only me. Same with love. If I asked that someone who doesn’t or hasn’t already fallen in love with me do it then maybe I’d miss out on who I’m supposed to be with. So I don’t ask for things that might change other people’s outcomes.

If you listen to the movie, audiobook or read the actual book then you’ll understand just how powerful your thoughts are. For instance, have you ever woken up and immediately tripped after getting out of bed? A typical first thought would be, “Oh, it’s going to be that kind of day.” Then you get to work, spill coffee, have someone ding your car or realize that you’ve just missed the due date on a bill. Well, what if you just brushed off the initial trip and still said to yourself that you were about to have a fantastic day and that nothing is going to change that…

Want to punch me yet? Trust me I don’t blame you. It just doesn’t sound right except it works. And I haven’t even mastered 10% of the power of this yet. In my world, I needed a bit of extra cash so I started manifesting these thoughts and low and behold I came in to some extra cash and by extra I mean a lot. So I used some of that for the purpose that I needed it for but after that I made an investment in my health which is the best investment I could possibly make.

Recently though, I read that there’s three things you should keep to yourself if working “The Secret”. These items are: “Your love life, your income and your next move”. I’m not entirely sure that those came about from the secret but people seem to live by those items.

I shared those items with my brother over the holidays when we were having a “moment”. He and I actually had several moments over the last few months which is strange for us but appreciated since I miss real, true and meaningful moments. They were few and far between. Which led me to another one of my New Years resolutions (for lack of a better term). I want to be more honest with the people around me, the people I love. I want to give more compliments and do more things for those around me. As much as I’m going to make this year more about me than ever before it doesn’t mean that I can’t pass on kindness to those in my life that deserve it.

I’m tired of having silent moments or moments of just wasting time. Those things are changing for the better and I couldn’t be happier. Being able to catch up with my long time brother (from another… you know), tonight, and having him share some private life moments and private thoughts just made me realize that even though he and I don’t get to see each other much when we do get a chance to talk or catch up, it makes those moments so much more appreciated. He’s awesome and I love him. We never have a wasted moment between us. So, finishing up, I might be less inclined to speak of my love life, my finances and my ‘next move’ but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything to say.

Last year I spent most nights taking sleeping pills so that I would get to bed and just pass out because I didn’t want to face my own life. I take them now because I have too many ideas and great thoughts going through my mind to fall asleep. What a difference a day makes right?

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Year end review of the good stuff…

Okay, so last night was a fluffy of new years goals, lists of different things and a recap of last year. I’d already posted about the bad things that happened to entertainment last year but what I haven’t done is recap my year.

I’ve said enough bad things about it but it wasn’t to do with anyone else really. Most of what was bad about it was just a feeling of depression and being lonely in a room full of people. I wrestled with a lot of my own demons and it wasn’t until toward the end of the year that I really started to feel better. But before that I’d lost my momentum on my jar challenge.

If you remember, the jar challenge was recreated at the beginning of last year and it involved me writing on a slip of paper the good moments, the LOL moments and the happy moments of life. It’s not that they stopped but I just stopped writing them. So, in predictable fashion I’m going to tell you some of those now.

Spending the day with THE friend at our downtown aquarium and being able to enjoy the day.

Going to a concert on July the 4th with THE friend (there might be a lot of these in these) and going afterward to get ice cream floats.

Realizing that both my niece and THE friend do this forehead thing where they just put their forehead on mine. He’s not done it in a while though.

Having a heart-to-heart with both my boss and his girlfriend and their thanks afterward.

At the beginning of the year when THE friend reached out, apologized and we started to form a relationship again.

My GBF’s birthday party… It’s was so much fun!

Going to a friends wedding and meeting a guy we called “pony” and having him request and dance to some crazy shit.

Going to my GBF and I’s favorite restaurant and meeting a waiter who had a crush on me and always gave me free meals and drinks.

Changing direction with the career I have. Gaining a better position and officially being a business owner with less hours and a little less stress.

Going to see a bunch of movies.

Watching Oscar night with THE friend.

Spending a birthday weekend with my BFF and starting our fictional band, me as the singer and air drums and her on guitar and bass… I don’t it sounds silly but it totally rocked. We also had this whole Magic Mike thing AND a sexy photo shoot and a lip-sync battle thing.

Going to my BFF’s and my restaurant and having a seriously drunk guy buy us drinks all night.

My GBF and my BFF hanging out together for the first time.

Going through a ton of clothes at the beginning of the year with the help of my GBF and his sister who kindly took it all to Goodwill for me.

The party for me the night before my birthday.

Hanging out with another one of my best girl friends and her new son.

Meeting the “new guy” who just made me realize that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone falling in love with me. It’s an amazing and powerful things.

Spending time with my ex and realizing, again, that I AM good enough and the feeling of someone still being in love with me even with all my flaws.

All the occasions that THE friend actually had a compliment to give. I remember and smile.

My old boss realizing just what he lost when I no longer worked for him and his numerous apologies.

THE friend turning into the most beautiful OCD hulk and cleaning and organizing my kitchen.

Getting in exercise when I truly didn’t feel like doing it. This will be better this year though.

Coming up with hilarious reasons for my BFF as to why she couldn’t have sex with someone. They were outrageous and insane.

More than one sexy photo shoot was had and they were so much fun to do.

Our new years eve party last year 2015-2016 was pretty amazing.

Seeing an old friend that I hadn’t seen in twenty years and him remembering me as a young teenager.

Becoming friends with my boss’s girlfriend who I actually have a lot in common with.

Getting hugs and kisses from THE friend.

One particular blogger which I’ve gotten to know this year who has absolutely made my day on more than one occasion. Being able to call her a friend. Thank you DLJ!

Getting flowers and a gift from THE friend when both were truly unexpected.

THE friend cleaning the bathroom.

Spending all the good holidays with THE friend: Easter, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and my birthday even though he didn’t actually know it was my birthday.

Having THE friend make a birthday cake for me, and awesome pancakes.

There were so many other moments that didn’t make it into that jar and I fear that they will be forgotten but I’m glad that I have those moments that I can cherish. Instead of doing the jar challenge this year I’ve decided to have a Gratitude journal instead. As much as I like typing on my blog I also, very much enjoy the lost art of physically writing something.

While I stare at a large pile of streamers from last night and wondering how they made it this far without being swept up in the cleaning I’m reminded that each year I resolve to have better cleaning habits. That is changing this year. What I mean by that is I’m not making any resolutions or goals. I’m going to enjoy life a bit more and do a lot more things for myself.

There will be things that I want to accomplish and I will attempt those but I will not be killing myself or getting my feelings hurt if it wasn’t accomplished. I want to try new things and meet new people but still cherish the people that are already in my life.

While I will probably always want to be in a more meaning role in THE friends life I have no expectations and have let go of any hope for the better. I have resigned to the fact that I will never be the girl that will make him happy no matter how hard I try. This means I stop trying so hard and just be myself and that’s not a bad place to be.

So far this year has already been great. I hope you are having a great year as well and it continues to stay that way. Care to share any of your great moments of last year?

It’s now 1 am January 2nd and I am too excited to sleep so I feel like cleaning. Nite all.

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What to do when it’s over…

I’m speaking of the holiday’s, I think, when I title this post. But I guess that they’re not entirely over until after the New Years parties right? I’m not sure and I still haven’t decided what I’m doing for new years yet. So indecisive…

But what about the Christmas holiday? Well, it was great. That wasn’t sarcasm either. I got there early Friday morning and my niece was so excited to see me. However, I was so excited to see a coffee mug first. Yes, it was that early. We played around then went out to shop a bit, came back and played some more. A few hours later my sister-in-laws brother got there so there were two single adult children to play with my niece.

She’s an amazing little ball of energy and, I know this is said all the time, but she’s so crazy smart. I carry on conversations with her as if she were my intellectual equal. There’s no baby talk in the house and she’s treated very adult like but able to act like a kid which is something that I probably envy a bit. After a long night and a bit of drinking, a lot of laughing and just being exhausted I finally fell asleep without much help from my sleeping pills.

Saturday came around and it was up early, coffee (of course) and a lot more playing. My brother is building her a real life castle playhouse in the backyard so there’s a lot of mud, sand and all other things that make laundry a much needed thing, much quicker than normal. Then my parents got to my brothers house early, like super early. So the passive aggressive remakes came out a lot quicker about why I never visit them. That part was awesome (yes that WAS sarcasm) but we quickly shot that down by playing a few games of poker.

Poker is my dad’s game but after a few bad hands I think he realized that I inherited his luck or skill for the game. I was taking his money quickly and that was fun. After an hour or so of this it was time to get ready for the sister-in-laws family Christmas eve dinner. There were a lot of people there but aside from my niece I was the youngest. So she and I played a lot trying to ignore the adult conversations around the room.

My sister-in-laws grandparents are still alive and well in their 90’s. Both, once, strong roll models but now are wither away quickly. They’ve both fought a long hard battle with sickness, struggles and copious amounts of things that we’ll never know but I found out some things about her grandfather which left me in awe but also saddened at the fact that I would never get to speak with him in the prime of his life. He is a doctor and one of the first that helped the victims of the Holocaust. He also testified at the Nuremberg Trials. He has some amazing knowledge in his mind which is getting hazier each day.

Those are stories that he’d rather forget which is understandable. However, they are part of history and he was on the good side. He was/is an amazing brilliant man that has turned into a shell of someone who is so very ready to let go of his physical self. He and his wife are ready to go and from what I heard it’s a bit like The Notebook. I’d say yuck to the reference if I wasn’t so in awe of his knowledge.

So after the party we all went back to my brothers house where we watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and went to bed a bit earlier mostly due to the fear that my parents would be showing up before the requested time that we offered. But to our amazement they all landed at the house at the same time. One car pulled in, then another, and another… The stockings went quickly and then it was time to open presents from under the tree. I am usually less excited to open mine because I’m more excited to see others open mine.

I got each person exactly what they asked for. That’s always the fun part for me is getting them what they want. I got all the things I’d asked for as well but I tended to be practical. Silk sheets, towels, electronics… those types of things. After that I started packing to make sure I left on time. As I said the other day, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted to stay more than I wanted to come home. I had no desire to come home to a lonely cold home.

Before I left though there was one more gift to open. I’d addressed it to the “kids at heart” and to the “adult children”. I’d purchased four snowball guns and a lot of boxes of LED lighted snowballs. Once opened it was open season on anyone who got in our way. We were loud, running everywhere and having a blast. My niece was running around finding all the snowballs and then loading her gun first then offering them to me. As my brother was loading his she stood in front of me saying, “You can’t hit her… She’s my best friend”. Which yes, even with a stone cold heart made me feel like the grinch at the end of the movie.

Most times, when I leave there is not a big deal made about it from my niece. She’s usually the one saying she’s tired and wants to nap so it’s a quick hug and a “bye!”. This was the first time that she cried. She cried so much that it tore my heart up. There was tears and snot and holding on for dear life… It was a scene that is stuck in my mind right now and has been. No one said, “suck it up” or “you’ll be fine”. It was acknowledged, she was told that she could feel whatever she wanted to and then I left. I left happy that she wasn’t told to hide her feelings or to ignore them. They are teaching her to FEEL! That’s a luxury that I never got and I couldn’t be happier for her.

My drive home was nice. I thought about the weekend and was talking to my ex most of the way. He’d asked me to go with him to San Francisco. He’s traveling there for work and spent most of the conversation saying exactly the things that I wanted to hear. How he loved me, cared so much for me and was just excited to get the opportunity to see me and treat me to something. He literally said every single thing I NEEDED to hear before I was about to arrive at my quiet lonely home.

We left the conversation by me saying, “I’ll think about it seriously. I promise”. Which I am. However, when I got home there was a car in my parking spot and I knew that for the moment that I walked in my home I wouldn’t be alone. But I also knew that there was no telling how long I’d have some companionship.

I walked in and THE friend was here. He’d been here since Friday and I was happy to know that he was in a place that someone appreciated him in. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Treading on thin frozen water because I know he hates the holidays I didn’t really say anything about my trip but then again he didn’t ask either. I then took a nap and woke up a little delighted the he was still here.

That’s always the problem when he stays. I usually feel myself already being disappointed because I know that he could decide to get up and leave at any given moment. That some girl will text or call him wanting to see him and then he’d leave. This time went a bit different though. I stayed in the moment and just engaged when he wanted to and didn’t when he was off in another world, or another person. We are so far in the “friendzone” that it’s disgusting.

The good thing is that I no longer worry that my hairs perfect, that I have matching underwear on or that my legs are shaved because to him, it never mattered. So I get to just relax and act as though he’s just some girl friend or gay friend that’s here. I change with the door open. I sleep with no pants on and I no longer wait for him to crawl into bed just to be next to some warm body.

Since I know that this is all he wants out of us, I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to be the one that he turns to for everything or that we don’t have to have some talk or argument that might just change the way everything turns out. I’m not as offended when he says stupid mean shit. I am better at not getting upset that I know he’s wishing he was next to any other girl than me. There are still times that I say things that are probably out of jealousy but also because I know he’s better than he acts.

Things no longer feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Does this mean that I’m no longer in love with him? Does it mean that I’m no longer a masochist? Or does this mean that I’m just so used to him at this point that nothing he does surprises me? I’m not really sure about any of that right now and the difference is that not having those answers no longer keep me up at night…

There was a time not long ago that I still help out hope that he would surprise me in a grandiose way. Some huge sign that this was always meant to be something more than a normal friendship but that is also gone now. I think that I am a bit sad about the fact that he’ll never surprise me in a good way again. But I guess that’s all part of getting over it all. Strangely all I wanted for Christmas was a few nice kind words from him and I’d have been the happiest I’ve been in a long time about us.

I came home tonight and figured out that he’d left about five minutes before I got home. Again, no surprise there but I wasn’t as sad as I usually am to find him gone. I was able to “take care of myself”. Take a nice long shower and write here. Those are things that are great home alone things to do even though I’d brought him something that he needed. That’s what I get for trying to please someone that can’t be pleased or doesn’t want to be. Not really sure when I’ll see him again. We shall see especially since I only saw him by accident this weekend. I actually think he was disappointed that I came home when I did. I think he welcomes being in my home more when I’m not in it.

So, those are some of the tales of my Christmas holidays. It’s time to start thinking about the new year, to a healthier, happier New Year. Hopefully I’ll get one with some good surprises from someone else this year. I’m so crazy tired right now that it’s all I can do to finish this. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I appreciate all of you for your kind words and for listening to me on these crazy ramblings.

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Early year end summation…

I was reminded, accidentally, that I hadn’t been here for a while. I didn’t want to feel like I was ignoring this blog because it’s helped so much but also hindered a bit which is my fault… I’ll explain.

First, for a brief synopsis of whats gone on while I’ve been gone. There’s been lots of shopping, dates, music, entertainment and some major breakthroughs. There’s been a few set backs, some new people and some new discoveries. The biggest of all is the transformation from being angry and bitter to something new, someone better.

As always I believe, truly, that all things happen for a reason. After my last angry blog rant I needed to get away and sort out my feelings once and for all. I needed to get back to me and to let go of other things. I had no idea where to start. Then, by fate, an old friend came back into my life. We’d lost touch a few years back and in the interim of us not talking she’d been diagnosed with Lupus. I knew her as this vibrant, energetic, sparkling amazing person but she fallen off the face of the planet.

One day, out of no where I got a message on social media from her. It had just happened to be a day after my last rant on here. She’d asked how I was and I wasn’t in the mood for the usual, “I’m ok. How are you?” So I was honest and said I was doing pretty shitty. She then gave me some amazing advice. She’d told me about her illness and that she was in a deep depression and that she felt her life needed to change as she was having a horrible time in her marriage and a lot of other things. One thing that resonated with me about my situation was her number one rule. She said she started feeling better when she stopped trying to make everyone else feel better. When she stopped worrying what others thought of her and when she just stopped “trying”.

It sounded so simple. After another fight THE friend and I had gotten into, the realization that I felt he would always be the first guy on my list while I would always be the last girl on his. Finally the point that I realized he would always have another woman to spend his time with made this so necessary. I had to just stop trying, stop worrying and just stop feeling.

I was going to bed and dreaming about him. After every single gift I got for music, sports, or some sort of entertainment he was always the first person I thought of taking. I’d go to the grocery store and think “what would he want” or I’d see something randomly while shopping and pick it up to purchase… I was acting as though he WAS my other half. I was putting him first and that was no ones fault but mine.

I finally realized that while I don’t care about social media, that he did and that I’d never be a feature in that to him. I realized that if he had an extra ticket to something I’d never be the one he’d offer it to. Lastly, I finally realized that I didn’t want to argue about anything anymore with him because people who are only friends shouldn’t fight as much as we did. So I needed to change.

I wasn’t planning on this being easy but I started to look at things differently. I started spending time with men who treated me the way that I should be treated. Like my ex, he knows that I don’t have feelings for him and he knows that I was ‘going through something’ but he was more than happy to be right there with me. We started hanging out a lot, going to do things that I’d always reserved for THE friend and at first I felt strange but soon it felt amazing. He was hugging me all the time, holding my hand and kissing me and giving me the seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to help me be emotionally healthy AND it was all platonic.

After that, during Thanksgiving, I was at my family’s. My family has always had an open door policy for anyone who didn’t have anywhere to go. A few friends had all asked if they could come and I said “Absolutely”. It made me think of the time when I’d asked THE friend to come but instead he stayed at my home alone. I’d always been resentful about that because it always seemed like he was saying no because he didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about us, which would have never been the case and yet there I was over the Thanksgiving break with ex’s, friends new and old and family and no one had the wrong idea about anyone there.

There was a new guy there that I’d met the night before at my brothers poker night and we were outside right before the meal and he was thanking me for my family being so open to him being there. I didn’t know his story until later but he’d been married for over 20 years and suddenly came home and his wife had moved out with no explanation. This would have been the first Thanksgiving in over 20 years he’d have been alone but my parents weren’t having it. He’d thanked me for being so friendly and said that he was just happy he wasn’t alone this year. That melted my heart a bit and he gave me a welcoming huge hug before he left. I’m a lot more open to human touch now apparently.

It was about then that I was focusing so much on the things that I would never have from THE friend when all I should have been doing is focusing on all the things in my life that I did have and all the people that NEVER put me last. I still stumble a lot and I have a long way to go with this but that’s where stopping this blog for a while came in. I realized that focusing on THE friend all the time and how upset he made me only amplified my emotions instead of just giving me an outlet.

Even as soon as this weekend when we saw each other he was complaining why he’s single and my first thought was, “Fuck you. Even with everything I know about you I’d still love you till the end of time and you couldn’t care less.” My second thought was, “and this is why you still have women around all the time. Always a new one. Never even care. It’s not that you can’t find a woman, it’s that the one who loves you is invisible to you.” But right when I started feeling those thoughts I’d gotten a text from someone who said that they missed my face and that they couldn’t wait to stand under the mistletoe with me and I stopped my negative thoughts and focused on the men and friends that are amazing to me.

As I said, it’s a process and I’m still working on things. My first priority is to stop thinking of him as my other half. I stopped making him a priority. I stopped assuming the world would end if I stopped being in love with him… Guess what? I stopped trying. It never mattered to me that there were other girls in his life, new ones all the time or old ones reappearing. It only mattered that all the other girls came first, and that they got his smiles. That part was hard to get passed. I tried so hard to make him happy but every other girl got his happy except me.

One of the guys in my life right now wrote something on a dry erase board in my bedroom that says, “Peace, love and don’t give a shit”. Strangely it’s some of the best advice I’ve gotten second to “stop trying”. Whenever he or someone does something that pisses me off, upsets me or makes me feel like shit I think of that. I realize that there are amazing men out there that would drop anything for me, to be with me. I also know that I’m fucking awesome and someone who can’t see me that way isn’t worth the time I was more than willing to give. I got his “grumpy, I hate my life, sleepy bad moods”. I didn’t deserve those.

All that being said, I’m not sad, bitter or angry anymore. I know you can’t change anyone. I know that you can’t make someone feel or do something. If that means that THE friend’s relationship with me fades into a dark night then I’ve come to understand that that is ok and that is how things were meant to happen. I’ve said it before that I never wanted to be a day of the week to anyone. I never wanted to be a secret for someone to keep. That’s not who I am but that’s what I let happen which is strange because it happened at the hand of someone that I cared more deeply for than anyone in my life. How insane is that? Fuck being a secret. Fuck being just a day of the week. Fuck being the one that only gets to see him in his most unhappiest state. I’m not that person anymore and never should have been. The assumption that THE friend and I could even go back to what we had in the beginning is gone. A friendship with benefits was a happier time but it’s obvious that that went off the table long ago to him. That part stings a bit even now but I’ll get over that too soon.

The quicksand that I thought I was drowning in earlier this year is depleting and my self worth is back. No one will ever take that away again. I no longer dream of things that I can’t have. I no longer focus on the negative. I still have my bad days but they are far, far less. There’s things that I have planned for the new year that I’m focusing on. It’s going to be a lot more ME and much less anyone else. I’m not focusing on a romantic relationship with anyone but it’s comforting to know that there are options there if I feel the need. I’m going to make the next year a very selfish year. It’s been three years of thinking of someone else first. I’m done with that.

This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I wasn’t looking forward to coming home more than I was looking forward to staying with family. It was a great time. Now, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Spending time with my niece, new friends and maybe some surprises too. I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here till the new year because I don’t want to focus on the negative. It’s always an option that this will become some sunny, motivating blog which is what it was intended for in the beginning.

I’m off to clean the kitchen, wrap some presents and paint my nails. It’s a beautiful night to spend doing some much needed things without pants. I have no last words of wisdom for any of you. Okay, maybe a few… Just follow your heart, stop trying to make everyone else happy and remember that YOU ARE AWESOME and don’t let anyone else dim your light. Yep, I just said that shit. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Happy holidays and tell someone that you love them because, just maybe it’s what they need to hear.

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