My world only calmer today…

Today has been a strange day. It’s actually felt calm for the first time in a while. I still slept like crap and not in my own bed. I was still dwelling on things that I need to just let go of but I got a lot accomplished, for me.

Work was good because I was left to my own devices which is how I like it most days. I get more accomplished and I can workout when no ones looking. I enjoyed myself. Then I left to go run some errands and ended up at this hiking trail close to my office. With my headphones in I walked in the sun and listened to my music. I kept feeling the urge to run but know that I’m still not 100% after having the flu so I just walked it.

After being one with nature for a moment I came home, chatted a bit with a couple people and started to do some strength training which I haven’t done in a while. Then I read and wrote and wrote some more. I found my entire day very cathartic. Maybe it was letting shit out yesterday on here that helped or maybe I really just don’t care anymore about it. I feel like I’m in a place that I’ve not been before and while it’s a bit scary I also know that I need to be in this “I honestly don’t care anymore” phase. It’s the only way I can get out from this hole that I’ve gotten myself into with THE friend.

I started this written journal which is kind of a messy bible to health and a better life. It already looks like one of those notebooks you had in junior high that you’d have doodled someone’s name with little hearts around it. That’s kind of the point though. Not to doodle some dudes name with hearts but to personalize it just like my journey. That’s exciting.

I thought about chronicling my journey via this blog or another one but I’m not sure I’m willing to be THAT open just yet. I might journal when I’m done with most of it but we shall see. Everything will be an evolution but this is where I need to realize that my perfectionist ways will not help me right now.

On a different note though, I realized just how attracted I am to a man that I can be witty and succinct with. It’s not that easy to do. To find someone that not only “gets you” but understands your humor and volleys a succinct conversations with you it’s so freaking hard. I have found that in my friend and it’s enough to keep me entertained on a long phone call with him while we discuss nothing.

Another of his better qualities is that he always has me learning new things and doing new things and going to new places. You all know just how bored I get. I like that we go to the gym together and that we just do all kinds of weirdly awesome stuff. I’m sure we will eventually run out of stuff to do but until then I will relish in the “new”. There is no routine here. That makes me smile.

I think my next real goal is to truly let go of a lot of things that I’ve been holding on too. Letting go and forgiving is something that’s been so hard for me when it comes to some pretty bad shit in my life. I also find it even harder to let go and forgive those that I have been the closest to in my life, the ones that I’ve let in the most. The pain that I’ve felt whether it have been on purpose or not is more excruciating the deeper my emotions were to that person.

So if anyone has the perfect solution to “Let go and forgive” please share… It doesn’t even have to be perfect. The worst part here is that part of the letting go, the release is the actual act of letting a person go completely and fully. I can’t have 9 toes out the door if one toe just won’t budge. I’m about to do something hard again… I wish I didn’t have to but I know that I can’t move on without it. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I do know that if I can accomplish the above then it’ll take a load off my soul, heart and my head. Those are the benefits. For the longest time though, the benefits never outweighed having those people in my life. They were always more important. But I realize what good is having someone in your life if it only makes you miserable which means that I’m either holding on to a memory or a “might happen one day” and neither of those are appealing anymore. I can actually say all of that and it not make me cry which is also another first. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

I guess it isn’t so bad just yet.

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Signs of maturity and other things I’ve learned…

As I grow older there’s things that show signs of growing up, not just growing up but maturing. The first and foremost thing is the acceptance of responsibility. Basically owning up to your wrongs without hesitation and without excuses and apologizing. I you eff up, say you’re sorry and prove it from that point on that you are sorry. Don’t make the same mistakes twice. Another sign of maturing is letting go of anger, resentment, jealous and realizing what is right in front of you and what you actually have instead of coveting someone else’s anything.

In the same token you also have to be willing to understand others, understand their flaws, accept them for who they are and move on. This does not mean that you have to keep them in your life especially if they’ve harmed you in anyway but you can at least learn to let go of the negativity. Don’t judge anyone. Don’t speak badly of anyone and don’t flaunt yourself or your belongings with the intent to make others want your life. I think all that is shallow and leaves no room for a true existence.

I thought about all this today because someone sent me this… “The older you get, the more you realize that it isn’t about material things, or pride or ego. It’s about our hearts and who they beat for.” This quote couldn’t be any more true today. I’m not perfect and I have a hard time letting go of the things that hurt me the most. It’s true. I’m working on that. I’m also working on making amends for the things that I’ve done wrong and no I’m not in some 12-step anything. I just figure that I can complain about my life and where it is right now if I don’t change anything in it.

I’ve had another eye-opening predictable weekend. But I suppose that predictable is good because as much as there were no good surprises, there were also no bad ones either. It’s been very low-key. But it’s been the weekend that I needed. A busy week ahead with half of it planned out already, I really hope that my new normal starts to feel ok soon.

I hope you’ve all had a great weekend and have a great week. Good night.

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