Good Day… The kind you “wink” after ;-)

I’ve had one of those really good days. The kind you wink after saying it was a good day. I had a good late night visitor though and it had me up at 4:55 am. I’m not sure I’ve ever been up that early. However, after being woken up the best way possible, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So what does one do when one can’t go back to sleep? They workout early, after another really good workout 🙂 .

I thought I was going to just pass out at some point today but I didn’t. I felt myself slowing down and then just had another cup of coffee. Then, after leaving work early I went to pick up groceries, came home, worked out some more and went out to a nice dinner. It’s around 11 now and I feel like I should be able to just pass out later. At some point in the day I even managed to wash the dishes.

This weekend is my brothers birthday so I plan on staying with him till Monday and enjoying the hell out of that two. We have three things that none of us have ever done before on the schedule so seriously excited about that. Plus I’m going to talk to my brother’s neighbor about the job opportunities that he’s been talking about for me.

So it’s been two really good days. It seems like I’m just that much closer to something different which I what I’ve been asking for for some time now and I’m excited about it. I’m so excited, in fact, that I brought boxes home today to pack. That might not be the best thing to look forward to but all I have to see at the end of the rainbow is the end game which is me, not here, not in this unhappy place.

It’s weird. I think that my birthday this year and the month before and month after made me realize a lot of things that I’d been wrestling with before. Plus, I started getting healthy for myself, for real this time. Then I started seeing someone casually who’s awesome, fun, and enjoys my insatiability.

Things still feel slightly weird though because I’ve spent the last three years thinking about a completely different future, one which I finally realized it was nothing to hold on to and it was hurting me more than anything else. This time when I said I was done, I really meant it and it actually feels good.

I have my Sunday’s back from being miserable and lonely. I have someone that loves to be with me in any capacity and I don’t worry anymore that I’m being used by a “friend”. I feel good. I feel like my badass self, like I used to feel years ago.

I know this is still a new, old feeling, and it might not stay for long periods of time but I’m eating healthy, I’m working out and I quit smoking. I did all that for me. I know I keep saying the same thing but keep in mind that I’ve been up since 4:55 and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

The quote from Tiny Buddha Site that resonated with me today was, “When you let go you create space for something better”. I like that. That makes things seem less like a scary, “your hearts broken” emptiness rather a moment that you’ve given yourself to allow the greatness in that you didn’t have room for before.

So that’s my rambling tonight. It’s a good night’s rambling and a good night. I have about another hour to keep myself awake before I can pass out and give gratitude for what I have right now in this very moment which is peace. I hope you have the same.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 10 accompanied by some randomness.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Umm, I feel like I did a lot of yelling today, at stupid people who seem to be everyone I work with so I’m not going to give myself this one. My good thing that happened I will write about below. 🙂
2. No spending – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did another 55 minutes today. Love the sweat from working out! Is that gross?
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Routine – Check.

So I was woken from my blissful dream filled sleep at 6:28 this morning from my boss. If you read me, then you know I’m not a morning person. But since he knows me, somewhat, he knows that as well and decided that requesting a favor was more important than his life. He’d said he was up all night “being sick” and needed me to come by his house and pick stuff up that needed to be at the office. This would be one downside of living five minutes away from him.

I pulled up and got outside of the car to wait for his “sick (hung over) self and I was looking at my texts from last night that I’d missed. I saw one from THE friend about something that he’d lost. My first instinct was to go ahead and give his something to replace that but then I stopped myself and thought, “Why would I do that? I already do enough. If we were dating this would be a totally different response. I would have given without question.” This thought is somewhat of a breakthrough because it’s the first time that I’ve actually seen that someone that I was dating would receive preferential treatment over someone who’s just a friend.

I’ve never before thought this way but I realized soon after that this might be a grownup thought. Because he and I are not in an intimate relationship though I knew that there needed to be some sort of boundaries of what I would do. To be fair, he didn’t ask for anything but it seemed like a precursor.

Soon after going through these series of thoughts my boss walked out from his home and my immediate reaction was, “Damn, you look like shit!” I’d really like to blame my frequent out-bursting opinions on something like aspergers but the truth is I just don’t care. I suppose that I was just lucky he wasn’t in his robe. At least he’d put clothes on, sans putting a brush through his hair though.

I’d gotten his stuff and was off to the office. Waiting patiently in traffic while listening to some of my favorite songs right now, I stopped for some much needed coffee. When I got to the “first window please” and had my payment ready the cashier had told me that it was paid for already. This happens quite a bit. So I did what I always do and paid it forward. Then during an excursion at lunch time I’d gone to purchase something that I needed and there was a representative from the company standing behind me who was handing out coupons for 50% off what I was buying without any strings. Um, yes please and thank you!

These strange but awesome occurrences happen to me quite frequently and I believe it’s karma or a bit of The Secret. For everything that’s good that happens I thank the universe. I pass on kindness and it gets returned, sometimes in the strangest ways but this is in part why people should keep a gratitude journal. It works! I promise.

Then, on my way back to the office my phone lit up with wordpress notifications and I was so happy to see that they came from one of my most favorite bloggers. She’d requested the most awesome thing ever! She’d asked her readers to send a letter to her daughter who is turning one on the 13th and I had nervously but excitedly sent her a letter. She posted this today and the mistake that I made was to read it while I was sitting in a business meeting. It brought tears to my eyes which were quickly excused away with the good old “allergies” excuse but I was blessed to be included in this beautiful project. If you’d like to read here’s the link. She’s an amazing writer and to see her description of me and this blog was both scary and sweet and vulnerable and great. DearLilyJune I also realized that I talk way too much about a boy that I’m not even dating… and I’d probably be mortified if he EVER knew half of this.

So, among all my good today, my great was my friend’s blog. Thank you again for letting me be a part of that. I hope you are all having a great day and find your gratefulness today, especially for the small things in life and one day try paying for the person behind you, unless it’s a soccer mom’s van full of kids. I would not suggest that.

I decided to post the five songs that are ringing so true to me right now. Each one of these are painfully stinging lyrics, in a good way. I hope you find one that you like as well.

These songs remind me of THE friend and me, at this moment right now. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad or neither.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day Two.

The Challenge:

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s outcome:

1. I didn’t complain – Check. I have had several good moments today. First, I’ve got tickets to four concerts in the next few months which I’m so excited about. Second, something that I was dreading wasn’t that bad at all. Lastly, the weather was beautiful today.
2. No spending money unnecessarily – Check. Saving up for my “running to somewhere” fantasy. 🙂
3. Exercise – Check. I did an hour today until I almost fell down from weak legs. That makes me happy.
4. Eat healthy fives days a week – Half Check – I need to improve on this drastically but it wasn’t horrible. It just wasn’t as healthy as I’d like. I’ll get there though.
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week – Check. I have actually declined invitations knowing that I wouldn’t be able to get in my workout so I can absolutely check this off today.

So, today was a decent day that ended on a higher note than expected. That might be because I’m not complaining about anything. For the remainder of the evening I am going to finish up some other “to do” list that I’ve created, watch some TV and shop for a Mother’s Day gift and mom’s birthday since they are on the same day this year.

Here’s my final thought for the day though… Secrets. Is it possible to have a secret that some might consider so big and not tell anyone even though you think about it a lot? I had this one secret that I hated to have kept and for some reason I told my friend in the northeast the other day. I think I’d just reached a point where it had to come out. It was about a boy from a long long time ago and we were talking about growing up together and the people we knew. The funny thing there is that THE friend wasn’t brought up at all. It’s as if we talked about everyone except. I’m not sure why that is. He and I never discuss THE friend though. It’s almost as if he’s a taboo topic which neither of us dare bring up or because he has no idea that we even spend time together. The latter might be the case more so.

But back to secrets. So the one I told my friend the other night was something that had always bothered me. It was basically an innocent action of a young girl that had a horrible effect on an older boy. I realize that sounds ominous but I’m not sure that I’m ready to have that action here forever yet. But that’s not even my biggest secret. The one that I hold affects no one but me. Actually that’s probably not true. It would affect a lot of people but it’s an extremely personal one.

So, I guess my question is this. If you have a secret that you feel guilty over or one that you think about a lot. Is it ok to keep in inside your own head? Do you have to share it? I think that I’d shock a lot of people with it but it would also explain a lot of things about me… To keep or not to keep. That is the question. Maybe it’s a thing that I should only tell my therapist and no, I wasn’t born a man and I’m not harboring dead bodies. It’s nothing like that.

Oh well, that’s a whole other conversation about a whole other thing. My day will soon be complete. Good night to you all.

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Home is where the mortgage is…

Ever since my ex asked me to move in with him months ago, actually way before that, I’ve wanted a small house. I knew it would never be with him so I just assumed I’d be “apartment living” for a very long time. Today, I drove past this adorable little house in a nice neighborhood that is probably cheaper than my rent here. I’m considering this a lot.

I’ve been talking about “getting the eff out of this town” but the truth is, I actually like it here. I like this town. I’m completely aware that my instinct to move is mostly due to the fact that I have gone through a lot this year but am well aware that no matter where I move, my problems would follow me there as well. So, I’m a lot more at peace with things or situation that have happened. Now, I need to relocate from my current address.

My friend, who’s very spiritual, made me realize that instead of looking at my new car as just another car payment, I should look at it as new energy. This made me think just how much crappy energy is in the place where I live. There’s past boyfriends, there’s bad times, there’s hard situations. Now, I’m not going to discard the fun, memorable times I’ve had here but everyone could do with some new energy right?

I think, when you get to a certain age, you should have something that’s your own. There’s something so appealing to me about having paint in my hair, tools in my hand and all for a place that I call my own and even with all my years of it just being me, I wouldn’t give up the opportunity to share this with a roommate, boyfriend or maybe, one day, something even more substantial than that.

Being around my brother and sister-in-law makes me kind of want that type of situation but with my quirky spin on things. Even though they were stressed and fighting with each other they are still very succinct and they are amazing at compromise. I felt a little guilty being in the middle of some of their fights everything has it’s ebbs and flows so I’m pretty sure once the holiday craziness wore off and the family all left then they would find their normal ground.

My brother actually did it. He broke the cycle of being a crappy father. You know, a lot gets blamed on your family. If the daughter is crazy, it must be the mother or if the son is an a-hole then it must come from the father. We had a crappy childhood. It was filled with screams, curses and an absent father, which at the time was probably best. We were terrified of him when he was there so the alternative would always have been better but I don’t have a great relationship with him now. Not at all. He comes to town once a month and I’ve never seen him while he’s here. When he went in for open heart surgery, we didn’t exchange the “L word” or hug. We just nodded to each other like a “hey bro” nod. But like I said, my brother has broken that mold and makes it a point to watch and document all of his daughter’s first, to be present as much as possible and to go the extra mile to ensure that his daughter ALWAYS trust, confides and relishes their time together.

I’d probably never tell him all that above but maybe one day. Sometimes you think to yourself that you’re destined to screw something up if you have a child and sometimes that fear outweighs the amazingness of what can be. I think that may have been why, for such a long time, that I wasn’t where others were with having a child. I just assumed that I’d royally eff it up but I have much more faith in myself now which is something that I work on every single day. Being able to realize that is a step in the right direction I suppose and only to grow every day as well.

So I, kind of, find myself getting used to the idea of 2.5 kids, a husband and a white picket fence although not in that order and maybe not exactly. I think, as long as two people love and respect each other, there’s a chance than anything can happen. It’s never going to be picture perfect but I can always start with a small home that I can call my own. This is just something I will go into the new year thinking about. If the saying is true, “Home is where the heart is”, then I’m not really sure where my home is right now but I’m willing to search for it.

Hope you all had a wonderful day.

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