Love is… and other fairy tale lies.

We are living in an era that doesn’t allow for big movie moments any longer. No grand gestures of showing up in the rain, grabbing a hold of someone’s face and kissing them as though they are the last person on this earth. While I have had my experiences of movie moments I fear that they are long gone now. People no longer have the attention span to love someone so unconditionally that they are willing to work on their faults or flaws and to show the other person that they matter. It’s a sad state of affairs.

This is just the thing that has caught the attention of my mind at this very moment. My mind has actually been reeling since last night. My friend from the northeast was on one of his long drives which is when he likes to catch up. His first question is always, “So how’s life?”. I tend to actually tell him the truth so my response was, “I’m having an allergic reaction to life right now.”

After a bit of discussion about what’s been going on we then moved on to family, friends and strangely zodiac signs after a small dabble with politics and the economic temperature. That might be why he and I get along so well. We’re both Aquariuses. We share a lot of the same thoughts and sentiments about the same things. It’s nice to debate at times but it’s also nice to be on the same page as someone who not only shares your thoughts but agrees with stances.

I suppose it was a conversation that I needed to have with someone. We’re extremely honest with each other but there is one thing that we don’t agree on. At this time in our lives we share one singular commonality with opposing beliefs. So, we had a long conversation about this one commonality and I realized that I was still fighting for someone else.

It’s not and has never been my responsibility to explain someone else’s faults and I don’t know why I still feel the need to. The worst part of it is that (and you all knew this was coming) THE friend has no idea how much I am on his side. At this point, if things haven’t changed with us, they are never going to and I understand that. However, I just wished he knew that he might never find another human who has been someone so understand that I feel it my “job” at times to never betray him. Loyalty, you’ll find, is a true rare trait that is so underrated.

I don’t assume that there will be any life altering event that will happen to him when I am no longer in his life that will make him understand just who I’ve been to him and I’ve gotten to the part in the story that I’m starting to no longer care. Yes, I care enough to write about it but no longer to discuss it.

The basic fact is I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of defending someone that doesn’t even have the smallest decency to fulfill the smallest of promises. I wish things had stayed the way they were in the beginning. We were carefree. We had fun. I didn’t know all these little stories that people divulge without me asking.

I wish I never fell for the boy who both hates himself too much and takes his poor choices out on others. I don’t really know at what point this whole thing turned but I used to blame it on falling in love. That’s never been the reason though. It was the reason I stayed and it was the reason why he might have thought he could abuse this relationship but that’s not what turned things from fun to whatever this had become. I’m not sure where this blame lies…

That is only part of the hail storm of shit that’s being dropped in my life right now but for some reason that’s what I focus on. Most of the other things I’ve chosen to adjust my feelings about. For instance, one bad thing happens and after the initial shock of it all I start to think of what was good about that. It’s a bit like when they say, “If you ask God for patience does He give you patience or does He give you situations where your patience is tested?”.

That’s true. I do believe that God gives us lessons and it’s up to us to decipher to code. I’m getting better at that and I’m learning to understand the moral of each story. However, this story, without much of a chance for any sort of happy ending, is the hardest one to decode. Yes, there’s lessons within this relationship that’s taught me things but nothings come to fruition. Yes, it’s taught me patience, understanding and kindness but what has it taught him? What’s the point of this relationship for him except to practice the ways NOT to do things with others.

I don’t give up on things very easily but I am sure that this hasn’t been easy at all. At what point is it over? At what point have I learned enough lessons to stop being hurt, lied to and used by the same person? It’s not as though I’m not aware of EVERYTHING at this point. There’s nothing that shocks me anymore and sadly it’s usually the bad stuff.

I’m sure at one point I asked God to bring me someone to love, to care for and to be kind too. It’s too bad that THE friend didn’t ask for the same things and if he did I’m sure she’s the happy one right now, not me.

As I said, things are not going extremely well right now and he’s not all to blame, however, he is not someone who should be making things worse. People are supposed to be in your life to make it better. I’m beginning to understand that the reason he could never articulate what I meant to him was that it was never that important to him, or I wasn’t. It’s hard to articulate, “Well, I’m happy that you let me do these things and that we don’t actually have to talk when we’re together and that you’re a secret.” None of those things could be said about me, from any other persons mouth, in my life.

It’s a sad state of affairs that even after all those thoughts about him I still have fight in me to prove he’s a good and kind person to everyone else or maybe I fight so hard because I’m trying to convince myself.

… And on that note, I think I’ve found the perfect quote for tonight while listening to the rain fall.

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Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 15 and a talk about flirting.

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Check. My good thing about today was dinner. Of course I’ll tell you about it.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I did 56 minutes plus 10 more at work.
4. Eat healthy – Check.
5. Follow a routine – Check.

I could tell that my GBF was getting upset with me because I kept skipping out on plans so I agreed to meet him and his sister for dinner at our usual. This would be the place where the waiter slipped me his number a few weeks ago. This was actually a blast tonight because the same waiter was half hungover and half still drunk. So, I commenced to harmless flirtation all night.

I’ve learned that you have to gauge your audience. What are they into? Do they want to hear innocent flirting, raunchy flirting or a bit of both? This guy wanted a bit of both with my usual, “You’re not going to have me anyway” speak. By the end of the night, not only did I get my meal paid for but all the wait staff including the manager was at our table. These are fun nights to have.

You see, being around “boiler room/wall street” sales men gives you an idea as to what men want. Well, what those men want and it’s easy to spot them. They are the narcissistic, entitled a-holes that have usually never had a woman say no to them. That’s pretty much the only reason that I keep their attention is because I like to say no to them. But they’re also the same type of guy that once they’ve had you, they don’t need you. This is why I’ve never fallen for one of them or ever said yes.

They’re also the same type of guy that, at the end of the day, don’t really care what your name is, what you do nor any thought in your head so the only way to keep them “interested” is to play their game. Except, they don’t win which drives them crazy. It’s fun and I’m good at it as long as I don’t really care about them. I can flirt like crazy. It’s not really a skill you can put on a resume but that’s not really what it’s about. And while I’m good at it with people I don’t care about, I’m absolutely horrible when it comes to actually caring about someone and flirting because they it just seems all awkward like someone in junior high. I’m hopeless.

Tonight it was just about some innocent fun. I put on some cute heels and just appreciated it and I realized that it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten drunk and made some really bad decisions… Maybe that’s what I’m in need of. Maybe I just really need one drunken night with some really bad decisions and that will fulfill me for a while. I just need some man to play around with. The waiter would be a good choice except something tells me while he’s very attractive, he probably has a really hairy chest. Have I told you how NOT a fan of that I am?

I have no idea what I need. For now I’m just prayer for God to do whatever he feels is the best thing for me. We shall see what that is. It’s usually never what you think it should be.

I’m off to finish my routine pantless and to go to bed, alone. Hope you’re having a great week.

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Bonding Over Bondage… and Other Random Things.

Today was an unsurprising mess of male disappointment. Some men unsurprisingly not doing things they promised and others doing things that were completely unexpectedly annoying. I am so very tired of being promised things and there being no delivery. I’m sick and tired of doing my part and others don’t keep their end of the bargain. I’m so effing done with bullshit, lies and just a-hole males shits. Okay, so I’m a little pissed.

I had an old friend come by tonight and bring dinner. He’d offered to cook but his cooking tastes like ass so I declined. Instead he brought over some other crap and we just sat and talked about so much.  He’d invited me to some fetish ball. Not the first time I’ve gone, pretty interesting but I’m not really into instant gratification (part of being a grownup) so I mentally declined his offer with a “maybe”. He already knew what that meant anyway.

I feel like after yesterdays really long to-do list that I might actually get some crap done this weekend. I need to drastically clean everything in my home, do laundry, sort out some other stuff. It’s boring but it’s a must do. I figure with only half a day of work tomorrow then I can get an early start. On the complete opposite side of the coin I was also invited to church on Sunday. This feels like the better choice and one that I might just succumb to.

I feel like maybe God will listen to me if I’m actually in his house, maybe. He’s certainly not been listening to me lately. Maybe what I’ve been asking for is just too much. Maybe the fact that all I want is something that I don’t deserve right now. I don’t know. What I do know is that with all the good I’ve been putting out I’ve not gotten any of it back. Why? Because people lie, cheat and are deceitful and I’m tired of it.

Maybe all the men that have really pissed me off today and this week should be the ones going to church and asking forgiveness for their mistakes and their lies and their lack of concern for others. This is when I say karma will go into full effect. For instance, each time they trip, get a ticket or lose money they can all just assume that’s because they’ve done something to someone that was hurtful and unkind.

I shouldn’t be annoyed or surprised, well, I’m not surprised. I set myself up for this shit every single time I do something nice for someone who doesn’t give a shit at all. I also shouldn’t let one or two bad apples ruin the kindness that I give out to those who reciprocate it but I can’t help my feelings. They are real and they are valid. So, eff them. I’m done with everyone who wants something from me. They can find their assistance in some other stupid person who doesn’t mind being treated like a doormat from here on out. 

Truth is, I don’t ask much in return, EVER. But when NOTHING is given back and there’s only these “dangling of carrots” which equate to broken promises, or false sense of whatever, or the teasing of emotional baggage then there’s nothing left to do. There’s so much more to life than shitty people who use and abuse others. I’m tired of being around them all. I’m tired of looking into my mirror and seeing someone who deserves much much more than being treated as a pawn or time wasted or something else.

You know, it’s funny, I barely ever ask for things especially from others. But when I do ask for something and it’s not done it just solidifies why I don’t fucking need anyone else’s help. People can’t be trusted nor can they be counted on. People, men have really let me down today and this week and probably even longer so fuck off to them all. The only safety, comfort or truth is within me and no where else. I’m just so disappointed tonight. I didn’t think I’d be back here again. God help the next “man” that asks for a favor, help or anything from me and especially the ones that use emotions or trickery. I’ve let them knowingly get away with it for far too long. 

So, my weekend is either Church or bondage… This might have been an easier choice before I got even more mad writing this post because now I feel like beating the crap out of someone. I feel like the last true, honest, caring, non-whorish and kind male that was in my life, I lost last year and that was my last chance to be happy. That’s sad. That is my cross to bare but no one else’s crap is my cross to bare so I wish them all well. To hell with all of you crappy men. I wish just once that a guy would effing surprise me in a good way and not be an a-hole.

This too shall pass… or so I’m told. People suck today. Not all people, I still like all of you. Hope you’re having a better day than I am.

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27 Days of Music – The W’s… and some rambling.

It seems as though, tonight, God might have answered my prayers. I feel myself slipping away from the connection that my friend and I shared. The problem with answered prayers? They’re not always what you expect, in fact they’re rarely what you expect. I just didn’t feel anything tonight. I didn’t feel that same connection that started a little over three years ago. Maybe this IS where he’s been the whole time. Maybe that’s the answer. Or maybe none of this is the answer. If this has been where he’s at this whole time I can understand why it was so easy for someone to break this. I’m tired of being a placeholder because while he’s out looking for the love of his life, I’m putting his feelings before everything else. I refuse to hold a place for anyone because I’m worth so much more than he’ll ever understand.

My friend, from the Northeast has offered me to work full time for him in the future. This will allow me to move wherever I need to go. There will be nothing keeping me here aside from a few close friends that will make the trek to wherever I go to see me and vice versa. So, I could move to Austin with family and watch my niece grow up. All I know is that I’m too old for what I’m doing now.

My brother sent me this video last night of my niece. It was her brushing her teeth, flossing and putting everything strategically back. I’m reminded of my OCD when I watched this. People say that she reminds them of me, a lot. She’s barely three and has these little traits that I have. It’s really unbelievable. My point it that I want that. I don’t want to do this effing waiting around any longer for some stupid meaningless connection which doesn’t seem possible with anyone any longer.

I hate feeling like this. It’s an empty space feeling inside and it’s not some chemical imbalance. It’s the realization that my life could be entirely different if I’d just chosen either one of those guys or a different job or just a different life. My life choices seemed so trivial when I was making them and arbitrary but now they make me feel like I’m in the wrong life.

I deserve to have what I want. I deserve to have a family and I deserve to be happy and in a life where things didn’t turn out like this. No, my life doesn’t suck it’s just disappointing to me and my vision. I refuse to be around my younger friends, who are either playing around like children or happily married and share these thoughts. I refuse to be around my older friends who are divorced and unhappy and share these thoughts.

My birthday is a week away and I am smart enough to know that spending nights out, with random people is immature and spending my nights in being sad is unacceptable. I’m not sure where that leaves me right now. I used to look forward to my friend and my’s little outings until I realized that I might just be the first one on this list that replied. There’s nothing special any longer.

Am I sad that the connection is fleeting, this time, so fast with my friend? I don’t even know the answer to that. For such a long time, it’s felt like the only real thing that I’ve had. I could always count on feeling that way. It had become a sort of tether that would bring me out of these moods but I also knew that it was only time. I knew that those feelings, just like everything in life, had an expiration date and I also knew that if that ash wasn’t flamed that it would die out and I also knew that if I wasn’t explained by him what the hell this all was to him then I’d realize it was time to not keep doing this. I was just hoping that what was left after the ash died wouldn’t be an unrecognizable mess of typical. He and I really and truly have NOTHING that is just ours, not any more. That statement wasn’t said by someone who has/had feelings for someone else. It’s was said by someone that wants something special with each and every one of her close friends and I have that with all except him. This isn’t something but to pass the time with.

I really need an answered prayer right now but I don’t even know what my question is anymore. I don’t think I’m ok right now and of course, I’ve ignored all the texts and phone calls for the past few hours as to shut myself off from the world because that’s the only thing that I know how to do really, really well.

My hope is that I wake up tomorrow and this is all just a mood that I’m in but my fear is that it’s not. Maybe this friendship kept me here three years longer than it should or just proved to me what I really wanted and needed but right now it’s only lesson is one of sadness and a realization of a feeling that I’ve never had before slipping away so fast.

You know, I’ve never been one that expected to be saved nor blissfully happier than anyone else that I knew. But I expected to find someone that kept me grounded, had meaningful conversations with and shared some sort of intimacy that I’d never had before. What I ask for, and what I deserve is nothing extraordinary. Where the hell is he????? I’m so tired of waiting.

I’m off to have a drink on a empty stomach with someone that I probably shouldn’t. We’ll see just how horrible this turns out tomorrow. So much for the full moons greatness this weekend. So much for emotions cause today they are useless.

Is this the end?

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27 Days of Music – The V’s… and some rambling thoughts.

We’re almost at the end of this melodic alphabetic journey. I suppose that will give me an excuse to not write my thoughts out until they explode again. That’s never good. I’m feeling very strange tonight. It’s possible that it’s the full moon but since I’ve not been on speaking terms with the stars lately, I’m not sure that’s the problem.

I’ve been very antsy today and possibly lonely. I’m not sure. I can feel lonely with a room full of people so I don’t even know if that’s the issue today. It might be that I just washed down my sleeping pill with a soda, which I usually never drink.

A big, clean and cold sky that’s full of stars and a great big full moon. That’s supposed to bring on something, strange or great or different. I wish for different. I always wish for different. I’m so tired of doing the same things lately. I am really in a weird funk right now with not much of a reason for it either. I guess I keep waiting for the “other shoe to drop” as they say. Just not sure which aspect of my life it’s going to fall from.

“God, tonight I ask for something new and great to come into my life and for you to take this uneasy feeling away. I’d like to be happily surprised by something that could actually be life changing soon. The stars aren’t listening to me and I’m hoping you don’t have me on mute either. Amen”

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Weekend’s Nurturing Nature…

I’ve, at this moment, decided against the music festival, unless absolutely coerced tomorrow. I had this horrible nightmare that I’d be out there in the cold and probably catch the flu, right before having to travel for Christmas. This did not appeal to me at all. That’s not to say that my weekend, or at least my Saturday still instant booked like crazy though. At this point I’ll be running around like a mad woman tomorrow and then come home to just chill out for the rest of the weekend. Maybe some cooking, cleaning or something nurturing is in the cards. Apparently, “they” say that right before women ovulate (sorry guys) they start to nest or organize or rearrange and that is all kicking in full force right now, for some reason.

While I spent my day at work, doing a bit of running around after, I’ve been really focused on chunking crap away. But here’s where my OCD comes in. I pulled out all the Christmas wrapping paper from the back of the closet, brought it to the living room and went back to organize the closet. Then I started going through shoes which soon turned into folding my t-shirts which made me realize that I’d inadvertently purchased a shirt for my friend that I don’t see anymore. That made me sad so I refolded and stuffed in the back of the drawer.

That made me a bit sad that we will end this year not having seen each other for three / four months and that might just lead to forever. But then I realize that I’d prayed to God and asked that if my friend not be in my life for the right reasons then to not have him in my life at all. Then that made me sad that if my prayers were actually answered it was because I’d feared the worst and it came true. But then I started cleaning again, and wrapping and keeping busy to not think about it at all because I’m tired of being sad. 

It’s gotten easier to have not seen him but it still makes me miss the fun we used to have. It might actually be the hardest thing I’ve done, to stay away and not reach out, knowing that I’m going to always have feelings for him. It would probably be horrible for him to know that of all the boys and out of the two loves of my life he was the biggest or most profound. I still have no idea why either. Just something that I felt, connected or intimate. Regardless, that’s an old chapter that’s been read over and closed for a while now. On to other less intense things now.

So, I’m almost done wrapping and have a few stops left on this crazy “getting ready for Christmas” journey but I feel good about it this year. Even though I’ve stayed busy with people, shopping and other crap I’ve still managed to have “me” time. I’m sure by the time it’s all over I’ll just collapse in my bed for at least a day.

One thing that’s on the agenda, over the holiday, is that my BFF and I are going to sit down and come up with some life goals or try to fix each others lives a bit. These WILL NOT be resolutions. They will be permanent changes. I’m ready for some permanent changes in my life, whether it’s a move, a job change or something. Stagnation is not acceptable for me and I’ve been stagnant for too long. I have a feeling it’ll be a long conversation between the two of us. Our lives have been pretty effed up lately.

So that’s my rambling tonight or I should say morning since it’s 3:30 in the am on Saturday. I’ve got some more wrapping to do tonight then up at 10 to start my day. Hope you are all having a great weekend.

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Payback kindness…

You should never do any kindness and expect anything to be paid back to you. That’s not how this whole thing works. Today, though, I’m feeling like I’d like to take a bit of payback for some good that I’ve done in the past.

I woke up feeling sad, just sad. I can’t shake this mood. I can’t talk myself into feeling anything different. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel like I need to talk to someone but don’t know who. I feel like I should figure out a way to shake this but nothing is working.

I just wish someone could help without me having to ask because we all know just how much I stink at that. I’d say I don’t want to feel this way but that seems obvious. I’m not sure anyone WANTS to feel sad but I just don’t know where this is coming from. I was hoping to get it out here and that way it will leave a bit but I’m not sure that is going to do it.

I just need a nice surprise, a bit of a karmic payback blow through my life right now. I need a sense of hope or a bit of a sign that God hasn’t forgotten me right now. Blah, this sucks right now. I feel like hiking to the top of a hill and screaming but I’m afraid that nothing will come out.

I think I need a purpose… Hope your day is better than mine right now.

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