Since I’ve never really distanced myself from a friend before I don’t know what to expect but I hear it’s like a real and true loss because, well, it is. When going through this you actually go through all the stages of grief. Right now, it seems that I am at anger. I was trying to forget all the reminders of him from this morning and then this afternoon I get another reminder and another reminder. Finally, when I got home tonight I just started to get pissed.
I’m pissed about so many things and here’s the list:
I’m pissed that I’m the only one of us that’s shed an effing tear over this friendship.
I’m pissed that I’m the only one who misses the other in this friendship.
I’m pissed that he doesn’t even know any of this and if he did he wouldn’t give a shit.
I’m pissed that a lot of my favorite future plans were with him.
I’m pissed that I can’t go to the grocery store without buying shit for him unintentionally.
I’m pissed that I wasn’t something more than a distraction for a day or two.
I’m pissed that I’m the only one who’s been 100% honest in this friendship.
I’m pissed that this seems like it’s because of money but that’s only the small piece. It’s so much more than that.
I’m pissed that this seems like it’s because he never loved me back. I was always aware that he didn’t and my love for him kept this going for as long as it’s been.
I’m pissed that we have a mutual T-shirt and he’s got it.
I’m pissed that I’ll never be able to hear some of my favorite bands without remembering that he went to the concert with me.
I’m pissed that because I couldn’t care less about social media then I got to know less of him.
I’m pissed that I gave him as much of myself as I did.
I’m pissed that he’s the only man I’ve ever given a key to and he’ll never use it again.
I’m pissed that all this has come up right after he’s done something so nice for me and it seems like I’m ungrateful but I’m not.
I’m pissed that I just got his birthday present in the mail.
I’m pissed because I never really had any “just with her” moments from him.
I’m pissed because every time my door bell rings it’s not him. I’m pissed because I miss him.
I’m pissed because all this anger means that I still care immensely.
I’m pissed because it’s never been acknowledged that I cared enough to learn about his issues and look past them or at least saw from both sides.
I don’t even know what I am anymore. I know that my stomach hasn’t been in this much pain in a long time and it’s all because I’m stressing myself out. I know that it’ll probably be at least 30 days before he figures out that he’s not seen me in a month. I’m pissed that I can’t seem to get happy right now. And lastly I’m pissed that I still want nothing less than to help him out and make sure he’s happy. Blah… Fucking emotional bullshit is what this is.