Making Myself Better Challenge… Day 8 and a vulnerable talk about vulnerability. (Long post warning)

1. No complaining. Think of one good thing that happened.
2. No spending money on unnecessary things
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I’ve been so focused on every single day that I’ve changed it to five days a week.
4. Eat healthy five days a week
5. Follow a strict routine during the work week

Today’s Outcome:

1. No complaining – Half check. We’ll see how far that gets me through this post.
2. No spending money – Check.
3. Exercise – Check. I came home from work and was going to nap until my home was empty so instead I threw on my workout clothes and did 45 minutes today.
4. Eat healthy – Everything but dinner. Turns out though that two day old Chinese food sucks so I didn’t eat a lot.
5. Follow a strict routine – Check. Even though I haven’t made it through the night yet.

I’m going to say something that probably sounds like a bad anecdote of a bloggers life but here goes: “You know you’re a blogger when you start to write a post even before you’re sitting at your computer”. This has been going on since last night because as much as I hate to admit it, THE friend is still somewhat my muse.

I’m going to start this story over two decades ago, when THE friend and I were first “introduced” to each other. I’ve said before that I don’t really remember him and I’m sure that’s an equal thought. However, what I remembered is that he was a ladies man. Some would say charming. The truth is, I remembered a older boy, friends with my brother who seemed very sure of himself.

Now, I’m going to fast forward a bit. The first night we’d hung out and out of no where he’d decided to be intimate, afterward I did something that I’d never done. I’d never done this with any of my long term boyfriends and it shocked me that I did this at all. Please hold your shock and awe until after the movie… I laid on his chest. Sounds like it really shouldn’t have been a feat for many women right? But that’s not where I’m comfortable. I remember him saying, “Awe you like to cuddle” in some cute tone except that shocked me back to life and made me realize that that’s not who I was. I’m not THE girl that cuddles with some guy after the first night. That both terrified and perplexed me beyond words. I’d felt so vulnerable that it was almost painful.

So, the intimate parts didn’t last that long but for some reason I still yearned for that closeness of feeling free enough to WANT to do that. That’s my vulnerability. After that had happen, it was just by happenstance that my BFF had sent me a TEDTALKS link that first introduced me to Brene Brown. My BFF had said for years that I needed to watch this thing and I never did but she’d sent it again out of nothing but pure manifested fate from the universe. She spoke about vulnerability as if it wasn’t shameful nor a weakness. It was such a new idea to me even though this was an elementary lesson. From the moment I pressed play I was in tears. Every single thing she’d said made sense and rung so true, again, in a painful way.

Some things that you need to understand is that I didn’t grow up in a home full of love. I grew up with a cold, drunk monster who yelled and screamed and said the worst things to both my brother and I. I grew up with a woman that allowed all this to happen. I grew up knowing that my last vestige of hope had passed when my Grandmother had passed because she was a loving, caring soul. She would have shone me how to be a loving person. She would have taught me better than what I know, even now. But instead my first four years of life were with her in a hospital bed in the middle of my grandfathers home. My first four years of life were seeing the one woman that could have taught me how to be a better person, dying right in front of me.

That’s also where I struggled with religion for so long. She was the only one who would take me to church, before she got too sick. But then she was struck by something that was eating her from the inside out. There she laid, my beautiful Grandmother who’d never done wrong was suffering in such a way that no one’s worst enemy should have to suffer. With her died my emotions, my religion and having the ability to be such a different person.

That’s how’d I’d viewed things for such a long time. Then came the story as to why my father was the way he was which is just sick and even worse than the worst after school special. But I watched all that anger and bitterness, in my father, grow into something that made him a thriving businessman. At home he was a miserable monster because he was never taught how to love, someone that scared me into thinking the worst things a child could ever think but then Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr Hyde and fascinated me in the business world. He was larger than life and memorizing. I could listen to him teach his words of great wisdom for hours and with powerful Al Pacino-like mannerisms. This man came from nothing and made something of his world by way of career.

The best part of what he did is NEVER giving me a thing. From the age of twelve I was working and buying my own toilet paper and tooth paste. I never had a free ride for a thing. I was never given a car, allowance or a big head. Even now, I never hear compliments from his mouth but through a daisy chain of mouths which finally get back to me days, months or sometimes years later. He sees me in him and I think that both makes him proud and scares the shit out of him and there’s a little bit of envy laced in there as well. We have a fucked up family dynamic.

So, he taught me to work like hell for what you want. Don’t show weakness or be vulnerable and if you have to show someone that you care for them buy them something. That’s what I learned. Which brings me to my now. I have had police with guns drawn on me standing in front of me. I have had an FBI agent show up at my bedroom door. I have had ex-football players standing in front of me yelling and all I can do IS NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. (Those stories are humorous not horrible) Even my BFF says that I don’t show her the sides I view as weakness and it drives he crazy.

This equates to me never crying in front of others. I never say I love you. I never show anyone that I need them. I am never sated emotionally because all of those lessons taught me is that I am more emotionally challenged than anyone that I know. I have never given my true self to a lover and I have never seen what being an emotionally healthy individual is… Until THE friend.

Some days, if you make it through my posts, you might wonder why I choose to stay in something that can only be described as a cluster-fuck at times. Well, I have been more vulnerable than ever before in my life. I’ve grown emotionally and from the moment, that first night, that I rolled over and rested myself on his chest I knew that he was something that I’d never had. That or this was something that I’d never had. So, a lot of my frustration is the fact that he brings out all these emotions in me and because vulnerability equals weakness (in my old mind) I just assumed that he saw me as this little mouse that he could use and walk over and treat like crap. The truth here is that’s what emotions make me feel and not always him.

Now, I’m going to move forward a bit to his birthday last year. This would have been the third year we’d spent his birthday together and I had planned, a month before, an amazing day. We were going to go skydiving, eat at his favorite restaurant (which has become a slight tradition) and I had gone out and put a lot of thought into an actual gift. I wanted so badly to give him something that showed that I cared (because that’s how I show love to someone) but I also wanted it to be something personal. I’d done my research. I’d gone to my friends Catholic church and spoken to a Priest and found this beautiful St. Michael’s pendant (which I’d had blessed by him after I bought it). I’d decided on this because first, I was told he was an arch angel of doctors, which is what THE friend is. Second, I was explained that he defeated fear and brought about courage and some other extremely personal things that I thought he needed in his life.

By the time it came to his birthday he’d already foregone this friendship for something else. I had the option to return this but because of a dream I’d decided that I would keep it. You see, his mother made a lot of appearances in my dreams. They were usually ones where he’d done something wrong and she was saying to forgive him or be patient or something of the sort. But his sister, who’s past, had also made appearances in three of them. This dream happened to be one of them and to save some time I’ll just say that the outcome was for me to keep it for a better time.

I’d felt this better time was yesterday because he’d gotten some great opportunities to advance his life but it wasn’t until lately, over the past month or so that I’d seen this other side of him. Instead of seeing a man that was out for the quick fix of things, instead of this man that was into nothing but chasing women all over the city, I’d seen a man who was stuck as a boy who was so afraid of failure or was so afraid of success that he stayed stagnant. I saw so much fear and realized that here are two people that are so afraid of different things that it’s painful. I saw two people that were only barely honest with each other because of vulnerability. And finally, I saw the reasons why we work together.

Even now as I recall this whole realization I’m tearing up but not because it’s all sad but because we work together. We fit in a way that allows the other person to grow a bit. My strengths are his weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths (which he might not even know). It’s the first time that I’ve looked at this whole thing and realized why it’s happening. Maybe why God has given us both this answer to a prayer right now. Maybe we don’t fit together the way I thought we should or how I wanted us to but it doesn’t take away the fact that there’s good stuff here. It might be buried under fear, vulnerability and scars of the past but for right now it’s what works. I can’t say that I’ll stay here forever because I know that as long as we’re in this place I won’t be able to find room for someone that truly loves and cares for me but for now this is what we have, we’ll it’s what I have I guess.

I’d have told him some of that if he had stopped to listen to the explanation for just two minutes. I’m not sure he realizes just how hard that was for me but just how meaningful that was for me to do. I’d like to assume his fear is what caused him to be weird about the gift and less about the fact that he didn’t care about it. That is what I’ll assume because that was my good moment yesterday. I can’t be angry at how he accepted a gift. I can only be happy for knowing why it was given even if he doesn’t.

So that is my long-winded talk tonight. If you want to watch the TEDTALK here’s the link TED Talk – Brene Brown and now I’m finally done for tonight. 🙂

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Principles to Live by, even when others don’t…

I’m getting back into running which is something I’ve loved to do for a long time but, as I’ve said before “Life got in the way”. But since I’m so very focused this time around on getting to a better place in my life then it’s part of my journey. I want to get back to doing the things I love and miss. It seemed like my #jarchallenge was filling up pretty quickly at the beginning of the year but has vastly taken a back seat to the crap that happens. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a jar for the crappy things in life, it might be winning right now.

My main focus is getting back into a paleo lifestyle which is where I found my best self. Back then, I’d also been going to this Buddhist meditation on Monday’s because I found there to be some solace in the temple. The Buddhist Monk that spoke focused on five things: wisdom, kindness, compassion, karma and love. Even in my most cold hearted times of life I tried to focus on all those things. A lot of my kindness, love or compassion was done in secret or with sarcasm so as not to show my true colors.

The main thing I knew and still believe with every fiber of my being is karma. I believe that for every kind and loving action or word you give to someone else you also receive but that’s also true with the bad. So when something bad happens, even something as simple as tripping and falling down, I start to evaluate my life and the things I’ve done. I try to suss out what I’ve done wrong. If someone says something mean or uncaring to me I wonder if I’ve said something about someone else and that’s why it’s coming back. If I spill my coffee I wonder if I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have.

The reason I bring this up is because of my last two posts. I’ve said so many times that I wanted to focus on the good things and not go back and remember the bad; however, THE friend makes me question all the things I’ve done in my past but, in a strange twist of fate, I’ve never been more compassionate, kind or giving to another human than I have with him and yet I feel that all the negativity has got to be some form of punishment for something I’ve done in my past.

That’s what my running has me doing. It acts as my meditation but so does this blog as well. So what I was thinking is that I pray, I volunteer, I am kind, I work hard and I try to be a better person than I was the day before. But for some reason it’s never good enough in this particular friendship. Why is that? Why is my best not good enough when I’ve never been better to anyone else? Then I try to say things like, “Let go and let God”. Maybe I’ll be shown the light at the end of the tunnel soon but what if I’m not? What do I do then?

I fear that I may never know the truth and that I may never get what I deserve in this friendship but I continue to be kind, caring and loving. I try to not harp on the bad things and I try to consider the fact that someday, somewhere, someone will come along and pay me back the karma that I’ve given to THE friend in some amazingly blessed form. I don’t stick around because I feel that I HAVE to and I don’t stick around because of some guilt or because I’m stupid. I’m still here because I feel like there’s purpose to it all. He’s someone that I truly love and care about and you don’t just abandon people when things aren’t perfect.

That’s the part I struggle with too though because that’s exactly what he did. He abandoned this relationship and it still stings every time I realize that when the going gets good in his life, he leaves this friendship. I’ve still never actually been explained why he is friends with me. That sounds strange to say but I’ve asked him to articulate this relationship and what it means to him but he’s never truly done that. I’m sure he’s afraid that once he puts a label on it or defines his terms of what this is then I’ll feel like it’s not as special as I think it is or whatever. Truth is I never actually know what he thinks or feels so I have absolutely no idea and one day, I might just realize that that’s not ok anymore.

I’ve said a lot that he makes me feel as though I’m not good enough but the truth is, I know that I am for everyone else but him. There’s things that happen daily from others actions, words or other things that help me to realize that I am. He literally makes ME feel like I’M NOT good enough for him and I’m starting to realize that even if that never changes in his mind then I have to accept that and he’s only one star in a sky full of them that oppose his thoughts. It’s never jaded my opinion of who I think he is and maybe it should but life isn’t about being mean or judging someone just because they do that to you. It just makes me want to love them more instead, at least with him anyway.

This will be the last thing I write about him for a while because I don’t have much to write that makes me feel great. The one thing that I wish and pray for a lot is that no one ever makes him feel the way that he makes me feel sometimes because it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve felt before but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I’m hoping more than ever that that is the case.

Hope you’re all having a great week. Be nicer to the people in your life if even just for today.

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My Lesson For Today…

You remember those little classes that I take when I get bored or stagnant? Well, I’m still in the process of taking one. It’s the one that homeworked me to write a letter to each of the people in my life that meant something to me and tell them what they mean. Of course, I never actually sent it out because that wasn’t part of the assignment and that would have meant showing actual feelings or whatever. You know how I’m allergic to those darn feelings. Well, tonight, it’s asked something else of me and that’s to share what each person close to you has taught you.

This exercise not only makes you realize that not all the bad is actually bad but makes you think about the lesson in every moment. So, being the good little student that I never was I thought I’d do that here, again. That way it’s in the universe but without the acknowledgement that I’ve actually had to share these feelings outwardly. Here we go again:

To my BFF – She’s taught me that no matter what prognosis you receive there is always a life that you’ll have to lead during and after. You HAVE to chose life and keep going, even when your mind has told you there’s no point. She’s taught me that people can argue and disagree but that’s ok and it’s not the end of the world or the relationship. Most thankfully though, she’s taught me what a real sibling sister relationship is. She came to live with our family for a while back in High School and she had a job that took her out of the running for a lot of the weekend hi-jinks that I used to get myself into. She worked as a waitress and by the time she was getting home from work, I was getting home from partying (I had a day job). I’d go wake her up out of her deep sleep and tell her all about he evening. By the time I was done she’d be awake and I’d be ready for bed. We’d always laughed that that’s how that went. Even now, when we get in our gab sessions on the phone I still do that to her. It’s the little things in life.

To my GBF – He’s taught me to accept the things I can not change and to try to stay positive through out it all. He’s also taught me that even when you think there’s nothing left to give, there’s always just a bit more juice at the bottom. When I first met him we were both working for one of the largest oil companies, in the customer service department. There had been a huge problem with racism and some of the higher ups of the company hadbeen recorded saying some of the most horrible things about Black people. We’d had customer calling from both sides of the coin. Some were just absolutely outraged and wanted nothing to do with the company, their gas or their credit cards. The other side were these racist a-holes that would freely use the n-word at the drop of a hat. Well, my GBF is a black man and one day he was training me which meant that I was basically listening in on phone calls that he took. Towards the end of the training session, he’d taken one call from a racist, stupid redneck who spewed the n-word as easy as saying “Hi”. He was applauding the company for doing what they were doing and said that they had his full support. My GBF sat there. Listened to this man and responded with nothing but kindness, understanding and poise. This was a long tirade from the man on the phone and I was offended. I would not have lasted as long as my friend but after the call, he asked for a moment, gently put his headset down and left. I still, to this day, don’t know what he did after that but I’ve never seen someone be so calm or collected in a situation that would have well warranted none of his patience. I appreciate being able to tell that story because I witnessed compassion for the first real time in my life.

To THE friend – I’ve learned a LOT from this one. I’ve learned patience, understanding, love and strength. I’ve also learned to put the knives down in the dishwasher 🙂 I’ve been able to witness, lately, a transformation of a person that had the will to live even though it was buried deep down but who’s forcing it to the surface, finally. He’s taught me what I want out of life and he’s taught me to be a better human. He’s also taught me that gifts don’t have to be monetary in order to count. For such a long time I’ve been around people that show you your self-worth by giving you things that others would convent. My dad started that when we were children. Instead of ever using the L-word, he’d just buy expensive gifts and that was his way. I suppose I found that in men, later in life as well. This might just be one of the most valuable gifts because you see the thought in a note, an email, a cooked dinner. The cleaning and organizing of something and these actions mean so much more. It’s tough to look at someone who has such low self-worth and who thinks that their best isn’t good enough and to make them believe that it’s not only good enough but it’s far better than anything else they or anyone else could have done. I know that I don’t do a good job conveying those thoughts to him. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed in making him understand how amazing he is but then I have to stop myself and realize that he’ll get there when he needs to get there and that if my words help at all then maybe they’ll be tiny little stepping stones for him to use to get to a higher self. This doesn’t mean we’re perfect. I still have my insecure moments that think, “He’ll leave any day now” or that “I’ll be replaced soon enough” but I can no longer focus on those “if’s”.

And the homework is done for tonight. It wasn’t even that hard to think of all that because it’s always in the back of my mind. These are why these people are in my life. Every person has a purpose and for me, those reason are that. Plus, it’s always nice to say something nice about someone close to you even if they don’t ever see it. Also, I had a bit of a negative evening and this has taken me out of the negative space that I was in. It wasn’t even about me. It was about someone else’s negativity. But I digress.

That is my post for tonight. Hope you’re all having a great week.

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Starting Hibernation Mode…

First, I hope that you all had a great holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not it’s still a time to see people, have some fun and see pretty lights all around. I’ve, actually, had a blast with some salted in drama throughout the days. For a change of pace, since I usually write depressing or sad stuff, I’ll tell you about some of the good things…

First, I made the journey in record time. I shouldn’t be proud of this but I was shocked at how fast I made it to my brothers place. Then we pissed around for a while and I got to play with my niece. It is exhausting to chase after a 3 year old but so much fun. She’s addicted to Olaf from frozen and Buzz Lightyear. Which made Christmas shopping for her so easy and I believe I have mastered their voices now. A bit later in the day, Christmas Eve, we got dressed up and went to have Christmas Eve “fancy dinner” at my sister-in-laws mothers home, which is right down the street. There was about 15 people there or so. This is where we fill the “assigned stocking” of whoever they were picked to fill on Thanksgiving. Someone thought it would be funny to make me be the “stocking fairy” this year which basically meant that I decided who got who for the stocking.

When I moved back in the room and called each person in one by one to fill someones stocking I basically just stood back, helped when needed and secretly rolled my eyes about how uncomfortable my shoes where. Well, my sister-in-law is lucky enough to still have her Grandmother around. Her grandmother is a very classy, smart and witty woman, even though she’s well into her 90’s. She still has most of her mental capacity, memories and, the part I love, her sarcastic responses. Well, I had chosen someone who I thought would fill her stocking with care. Because of some hiccups, that was changed and the person who actually filled her stocking was a sort of dimwitted cheap woman. She’s only in the family by marriage but she thought that it would have been appropriate to put naughty panties in this elderly woman’s stocking. While we all have a great sense of humor, imagine if someone would have given some slutty panties to the Queen or Jackie O… Yep, so this became a laughing point and they were discarded but at least we will always have a story to tell. I wish I was able to convey the look that everyone got on their faces when they found this out. It was of both shock and disgust. The only phrase that comes to mind is, “People, know your audience!”

Moving on… After that whole debacle, my niece was becoming a bit overwhelmed inside with all the people, drinking, talking and just general chaos of the holiday, so in our nice Eve outfits, I took my niece outside and we laid in the grass, we ran down the street and played with sticks. Sometimes, having a conversation with a three year old is much more entertaining than 15 adults. Actually, every time. We then got to go home and relax for a little and I’ve actually forgotten what we all did. But then it was finally time to sleep.

I woke the next morning, on Christmas Day, to an onslaught of text and calls all wishing a good day with family. My first mission was to forgo the nice clothes and makeup and just snake my way through the crowd to the coffee maker where I was greeted with a great big knee hug from my niece. She was probably thinking, “Finally, someone who acts more my age!” Then it was on to stockings, paper being thrown out everywhere, giggles and sharing. I had realized that my niece and sister-in-law where wearing matching jammies but it was just cute until I saw my brother in his matching set too… That had me on the floor. I couldn’t catch my breath. It was the funniest yet grossly cutest thing, I think he’s ever had to do by force.

After that, we then hand out all the gifts to their owners. This process is not a small feat with 15 plus people. Then we all opened everything in about 20 minutes. Tearing through, showing everyone, ripping open another one. This is one of the first years that I can say I liked everything that was given but as every year, I had much more fun seeing everyone open my gifts.

See, being British means that we don’t openly show emotions. We don’t say the “L word” and we’re not, or at least I’m not, a hugely physical person when it comes to hugs and kisses. So, in our own fashion, we just buy expensive gifts. That’s our way to say, “Ok, I kinda like you now don’t touch me”. I’ve done this my whole life. I got this from my dad. But that gets passed down to whoever is in our “inner circle”. My BFF gets to reap the rewards of our inability express our emotions, my sister-in-law does too and if I EVER bring a boy with me, he will also get to reap these rewards too and the best part is, this never has to be reciprocated. Since I’ve spared them, this long, from my failed relationships, they will be so happy when I do bring someone that they’ll probably buy him a car or house or something. I am very well aware that the gifts, themselves, really shouldn’t matter and they don’t but it’s our process. This is how we do things in our weird, jumbled, family.

My brother actually thought that I’d be bringing a friend to Christmas and I understand why he’d think that since I don’t tell him what’s going on in my life. He doesn’t know that the friend he thought I’d bring and I don’t speak anymore. It’s a nice thought to know that he’d have been fully welcomed there without question and would have gotten his own room to sleep in too. As I said before, our Christmases are made up of many a friend, family and stray. Anyone is welcome.

After that there was a lot of sleepy chatter, mindless grazing and playing with snowball shooters that I didn’t realize would have been such a hit. I’d originally gotten them for my brother and I to have a “snowball fight” with but by the end of the day one of the shooters had been abused so much it broke and there were tiny snowballs EVERYWHERE! That was a blast because we all got to act like kids.

Then it kind of wound down for a while until all the younger adults started drinking and we decided to play Cards Against Humanity… The alcohol loosened up most to allow them to say some of those things. That was funny to see. Grown men, who attend church and give Christian books as gifts reading some of those answers. Luckily, I don’t get embarrassed so I was having a ball.

Boxing day, which is the day after Christmas, was a lot less crazy. I’d left my brothers and (tears) my niece, to go to my BFF’s and her new husbands new house with all her family. She and I exchanged gifts and I got to tell her that she’s coming with me to New York as my gift to her. My friend from the northeast is sending me there as a gift and I am paying it forward. I’m not sure I’d want to see that city with anyone but my BFF. It just wouldn’t be the same. Now, we have something to look forward to and plan.

I should have probably posted a bit each day rather than bombard you with everything all at once and this wouldn’t be so crazy long but I literally passed out each night. I didn’t even do my nightly rituals. Now, for the rest of this weekend and hopefully, the rest of this week, I am hibernating. I am in need of some r&r. When I got home today, after I’d dropped my stuff off and then gone to meet friends for dinner, I’d come home and put all my new things away, neatly and for the first time in days I’d gotten a chance to sit and I realized that I can no longer move. My muscles are sore. My back is hurting and my feet hate me but I wouldn’t have changed a thing over these last few days. I enjoyed myself more than I ever thought I would.

It’s almost 2 a.m. Sunday morning and can’t believe my eyes are still open. I’m going to sleep soon until I just can’t sleep anymore. I hope you all had a wonderful time and I’m sorry but not for this long post. This is one that I want to remember. More later.

Weekend’s Nurturing Nature…

I’ve, at this moment, decided against the music festival, unless absolutely coerced tomorrow. I had this horrible nightmare that I’d be out there in the cold and probably catch the flu, right before having to travel for Christmas. This did not appeal to me at all. That’s not to say that my weekend, or at least my Saturday still instant booked like crazy though. At this point I’ll be running around like a mad woman tomorrow and then come home to just chill out for the rest of the weekend. Maybe some cooking, cleaning or something nurturing is in the cards. Apparently, “they” say that right before women ovulate (sorry guys) they start to nest or organize or rearrange and that is all kicking in full force right now, for some reason.

While I spent my day at work, doing a bit of running around after, I’ve been really focused on chunking crap away. But here’s where my OCD comes in. I pulled out all the Christmas wrapping paper from the back of the closet, brought it to the living room and went back to organize the closet. Then I started going through shoes which soon turned into folding my t-shirts which made me realize that I’d inadvertently purchased a shirt for my friend that I don’t see anymore. That made me sad so I refolded and stuffed in the back of the drawer.

That made me a bit sad that we will end this year not having seen each other for three / four months and that might just lead to forever. But then I realize that I’d prayed to God and asked that if my friend not be in my life for the right reasons then to not have him in my life at all. Then that made me sad that if my prayers were actually answered it was because I’d feared the worst and it came true. But then I started cleaning again, and wrapping and keeping busy to not think about it at all because I’m tired of being sad. 

It’s gotten easier to have not seen him but it still makes me miss the fun we used to have. It might actually be the hardest thing I’ve done, to stay away and not reach out, knowing that I’m going to always have feelings for him. It would probably be horrible for him to know that of all the boys and out of the two loves of my life he was the biggest or most profound. I still have no idea why either. Just something that I felt, connected or intimate. Regardless, that’s an old chapter that’s been read over and closed for a while now. On to other less intense things now.

So, I’m almost done wrapping and have a few stops left on this crazy “getting ready for Christmas” journey but I feel good about it this year. Even though I’ve stayed busy with people, shopping and other crap I’ve still managed to have “me” time. I’m sure by the time it’s all over I’ll just collapse in my bed for at least a day.

One thing that’s on the agenda, over the holiday, is that my BFF and I are going to sit down and come up with some life goals or try to fix each others lives a bit. These WILL NOT be resolutions. They will be permanent changes. I’m ready for some permanent changes in my life, whether it’s a move, a job change or something. Stagnation is not acceptable for me and I’ve been stagnant for too long. I have a feeling it’ll be a long conversation between the two of us. Our lives have been pretty effed up lately.

So that’s my rambling tonight or I should say morning since it’s 3:30 in the am on Saturday. I’ve got some more wrapping to do tonight then up at 10 to start my day. Hope you are all having a great weekend.

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Creativity is a miss… and time passing by.

Lately, I’ve lost my muse. I have no capacity for any creativity what-so-ever. I used to be good at this, at things. Painting, writing, poetry was all my go to for enjoyment. But lately, it seems that all I can do is start to color in my adult coloring books with no interest in finishing. I’m not really sure where it’s all gone.

I suppose I get in a bit of a funk after seeing my little niece because I don’t get to see much of her growing up as I’d like to. It seems with each passing moment she’s a bit bigger. It makes you think about time a bit and how it’s taken for granted. How many times have you said these things…?

I’ll call them tomorrow.
I’ll just see them this weekend.
I’ll start next week.
I’ll take care of that later.

With as many people passing away in my life as they did this year, you start to realize that we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. Heck, we’re not even guaranteed the moment that’s beyond this moment right now. I know it sounds morbid but the truth is, this is suppose to help us live our lives each moment to moment. Don’t wait for an hour, a day, a week or when something else happens. Do what you need to and what you want to now.

The Lord knows that I am guilty of doing all those above. I’ve waited and I don’t know what for. If I feel sad or depressed at that very moment I try to ask myself, “What is wrong is this very moment?” Most of the time my answer is nothing so I try to change my outlook. It doesn’t always work but I try.

No, this doesn’t make me want to reconnect to any of my exes or go back in time and change anything but it just makes you think that there’s not much of a point in waiting for things to happen. If I feel like going to get ice cream on a chilly day or drive to another town to watch a movie or just drive around aimlessly and sing to GNR then I’m doing it or at least I’ll try to do it.

But in the interim of all this, I’m still looking for my muse, my creative flair that I’ve lost along the way. If it happens to be tied to my dreams then I suppose it’ll be back soon as my dreams have come back to me. I’d lost those for a while as well. I wasn’t really sad about them leaving for a while as they were telling me things that aren’t true. My dreams were lying to me. That didn’t seem fair at all. Now, they’re back and they’re starting from where they left off. I’d say I’m sad that they’re back but I’m not. They are a bit of colorful entertainment that I’ve been missing for a while now.

I’ll be seeing my little niece soon enough and that’ll be fun. There’s nothing better than a tiny adult child to make you want to live life a bit more and enjoy it. It’s an envious thing when you realize that she gets to relive all her first that you did. I wouldn’t change any of my firsts. They are mine to own alone.

I didn’t stay grounded at all this weekend and I’m ok with that. I probably should have turned my phone off but I didn’t and the enticement outings was beckoning too loudly. Even with all the outings my life is still pretty dull, to my standards anyway. There’s nothing enticing or entertaining for me right now. I’m not sure I mind the bland but I do miss things, a lot of things.

The next thing on my calendar of Christmas events is my wrapping tradition. I like to get into my festive PJ’s, watch Christmas movies and wrap all the gifts. It’s better to do it with someone else but I’ll be ok if it’s just me this year. It’s a sad time of year to not be coupled but if this is the way it’s supposed to be right now then I’ll just have to make the best of it.

Hope you’re all having a great week so far.

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Grounding myself, yet again…

I realized that when my 80 year old neighbor says, “Haven’t seen you in a while. I was beginning to think you’d moved.” It’s probably time to ground myself. There’s plenty to do around the home anyway. Laundry, dishes, cleaning… Nothing really and truly fun but necessary anyway. This might actually be the last free weekend I have until the new year anyway. So, I’ve decided to go ahead and ground myself. I’ll have time to actually sit and watch TV for the first real time in forever. It might be nice.

Most of my shopping, this year has been online. I’d decided that a while ago when I realized that everyone was moving way too slow for me and it was just annoying me. I find myself trying to find a zen zone a lot lately. Luckily, I’ve had some very generous clients this year from sports tickets, concert tickets to lots of extra cash. This allows me to really find some nice gifts for others this year. I’m not really one for treating myself to something extravagant although, I did purchase some very nice 1800 count sheets which I plan on passing out in this weekend. Aside from that I splurge on makeup but that’s about it. It’s not that I can’t be a snob, because I can be but I’d rather buy things that my friends or family wouldn’t usually buy.

For years now, I’ve sent out an email to close family and friends and asked them for their top five gifts that they want. I usually try to buy 3 or 4 items each. This tradition started because I realized that without lists, you just really start to see how much your family (especially) really doesn’t know about you at all. So instead I thought it would be a lot better to just say this is what I want or need now you tell me your list. It’s worked out much better but there’s still things that I’d put on my list that no one has gotten me or that I’ve never done.

I’ve always wanted to see a drive in movie, never have.
I want another puppy but I realize that it’s mean right now because I’m never home.
I want one weekend away, anywhere, where I don’t have to do a thing.
I’d like someone to help me finish my book.
I’d like free personal training FOREVER!
I’d like a family, a man and a child of my own… It’s weird to say that now because for so long I pushed this notion away probably because none of the boys I knew were the ones I wanted in my “ever after”.

Those are just a few but I’d settle for the practical things right now like, someone coming and hauling all my donations to Goodwill or my laundry or my dishes… See, I’m not hard to please 🙂

The last one on my “non-practical list”, this one my friend and I talked about at dinner the other night. He seems to think it’s totally appropriate to just go into some bar and get knocked up by some random. I have absolutely no desire to just get injected by someone that I don’t even know. A friend, I’d consider but not a no one. The only things he’s right about on this one is that it would be easy to do but that’s not my style. If I’m going to co-parent, I at least need to respect that person and care for that person. We don’t have to actually be “together” either. Aside from the fact that I’m easily annoyed, I also have people A.D.D. so I’d need space, a lot.

I’m not actually sure how serious he was about all that but it was an interesting conversation anyway and a strange one at that since he’s more like my brother than a friend. But I move on… This is probably the part in life when I’m supposed to just give up, and give in to whatever destiny or fate has to offer. I’ll see how that works.

I’m kinda looking forward to my grounding. 🙂 We’ll see how far that gets.

Hope you’re all having a great day.

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